Original subtitles

Last week tonight, I'm John Oliver. Thank you so much for joining us. Just

time for a quick recap of the week, which saw world leaders gather for the

UN General Assembly, major elections in Germany and Canada, and The View thrown

into chaos after two of its hosts tested positive for COVID mid-show, leading to

this incredible moment.

I need the two of you to step off for a second. Okay. Anna and, uh... and Sonny

have to leave. And we'll tell you why... More information later. It's a tease.

We'll tell you why in a couple of minutes.

So shall I introduce the vice president? Yes.

Okay. So, vice president... No.

Okay.

Wow.

That does not look great. Filming a television show is basically like

raising a toddler. It's unpredictable, occasionally frustrating, and if you

ever find yourself having to scream, no, someone's about to walk into a deadly

situation.

But the week has been dominated by the events in Del Rio, Texas, where

thousands of migrants, mostly Haitians, attempted to cross the border were met

with this response.

Images surface of Border Patrol agents on horseback, appearing to use their

horses' reins like whips. As one group tried to pass, an agent said this.

Hey, you use your women as it's why your country... Really?

You're gonna call their country shit?

because they just got here, and you're not making a great case for this one.

So far, 100% of their experience in America has involved a belligerent man

dressed as a Party City park ranger screaming at them on horseback. You're

not doing much for our fucking brand.

And when asked to respond to those images, the Biden administration fell

back on one of their greatest hits.

What did the president say? How did he feel when he saw them?

He also felt they were horrific and horrible. I don't know anyone who could

watch that video and not have that emotion.

I think it's important for people to know this is not who we are. That's not

who the Biden-Harris administration is.

Well, hold on there.

Because saying this is not who we are about white people chasing black people

on horses is a bit of a stretch.

Historically, we've been yes-anding that idea since 1619.

If you listed the top three things that make America, America, it'd be regional

sandwich differences, flyovers at half time, and white people chasing black

people while on horseback. I'm not saying that's what made America great,

just what made America, America.

As for this is not who the Biden-Harris administration is, are you absolutely

sure about that. Because from an immigration standpoint, there's not a

ton of evidence that you are anything else yet.

This administration's record on immigration, particularly on the

southern border, has been deeply underwhelming. And this week, they've

been all over the map. Because while many Haitians were released into the US,

we also sent...

thousands back to a nation that's recently suffered an earthquake and a

presidential assassination with no clear rationale for how those decisions were

made. And it's not great when our process for deciding who gets released

and who gets expelled is as haphazard as the process for finding the new host of

Jeopardy. And by the way, great job so far, guys.

You dodged giving that dude the job permanently, and right now we've got

someone absolutely free of controversy, Mayim Bialik, a person I think is great,

because I don't have Google.

And the reason we've been able to expel over 2,000 Haitians so quickly is the

Biden administration is using one of Trump's most infamous immigration

policies, Title 42, a bullshit move that lets you turn away asylum seekers under

the guise of public health. It is such bullshit.

A federal judge in Washington said its use is... in this manner is likely

illegal. So it is no wonder the special envoy for Haiti, Daniel Foote, resigned

this week, refusing to be associated with what the Biden administration is

doing. And it is hard to blame him when you consider what some of these people

have gone through, not just in order to get here, but in the process of being

expelled. Just listen to this man who was put on a plane back to Haiti

describing how he was treated.

They chained us like animals.

They chained our hands, feet, and waist.

Once we arrived, they made us stay inside the plane until they unchained us

so the journalists wouldn't see what they did.

That is despicable.

And just as an aside, I would love to know who made the PR judgment that

showing Haitians in chains was unacceptable, but charging them on

horseback was a-okay.

Because that person clearly knows they're going to hell, but I'm not sure

they grasp just how deep.

It feels that the Biden administration is far more focused on seeming better

when it comes to immigration than actually being better. Something driven

further home when just days after her This Is Not Who We Are comment, Jen

Psaki once again said that the images from Del Rio were deeply troubling to

the president and unveiled this big policy move.

The secretary also conveyed to civil rights leaders earlier this morning that

we would no longer be using horses in Del Rio. Uh, so that is something, a

policy change that has been made in response.

Hold on.

Are you implying it was all the horsies' fault?

Because... If I may quote myself after watching Burberry's recent ad, if you're

only focusing on the horses, you are missing a lot.

I'm not going to say anything about it. I promised him that this joke was

finished, but I can think about it, and I can ask you to look right into my eyes

while I do that.

Look, the Biden administration promised a big shift when it comes to how we

treat migrants at the border, but eight months in, where is it?

And all of this is emblematic of a much larger confusion with one White House

official even saying, I don't know what our immigration strategy is at all, but

we badly need one, and right now.

Because we're currently sending vulnerable people back into harm's way,

and it is past time for this administration to stop simply telling

people who we are and start fucking showing them. And now, this.

And now, local news anchors announce the changing of the seasons the only way

they know how.

Well, today is officially the first day of fall.

I'm sorry, that's not how you usually say it. It's fall, y'all. Thank you. It

is fall outside. It is fall, y'all.

Happy fall, everybody.

It's fall, y'all. Fall, y'all. It's fall, y'all. It's fall, y'all. I would

say happy fall, y'all. Happy fall, y'all. Happy fall, y'all.

Not ready for that, were you? No.

It's the first day of fall, y'all. First day of fall, y'all. It is the first day

of fall, y'all. Today is a brand new day. It's the beginning of fall, so we

should say gourd morning to you.

Yeah. I was waiting for you to say, it's fall, y'all. I'm waiting for everyone to

say, happy fall, y'all. I know.

So we have a couple of weather headlines for you, and I'm really proud of this

first one.

Okay?

Okay.

Let me show you. Here it is.

Weather headlines. Okay.

Happy fall, y'all. Although summer ain't leafing.

Isn't that good?

That is good.

I'm really proud of that one.

Moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns voting.

It is the subject of countless election PSAs, which are always basically the

same. Celebrities essentially begging you to vote. But in 1988, there was a

strikingly different one. All I'm gonna say about this is there is a surprise at

the end, and also at the beginning.

A hundred years ago, the Constitution of the United States suggested a very

simple way to keep fools like these out of our government.

A reminder from Members Only.

Holy shit!

What are you doing, Members Only?

That is a bold move, putting your name so close to Hitler. Although, you know

what? I will say, it does actually fit pretty well, considering that Members

Only would have been a perfect slogan for the Nazis.

But I want to talk to you about voting, because as you undoubtedly know, the

latest attack on voting rights in America is well underway.

A new report from the Brennan Center shows that between January and July,

these 18 states passed 30 laws that restrict voter access.

They include crackdowns on mail-in and early voting, harsher voter ID

requirements, and voter roll purges.

Yeah, it's true. All those states passed laws that make it harder for people to

vote. And if anyone is surprised to see New Hampshire up there, let me just

remind you, it's a state that's 88% white with a Republican governor and no

adult seat belt law. Sure, they present themselves as charming, but deep down,

they are basically just Florida with foliage.

That is it.

And some of the biggest efforts to undermine voting rights have been

concentrated in the closest states in last year's election, especially these

three, where Biden's combined margin of victory was less than 43,000 votes.

If they had gone the other way, Trump would still be president right now,

meaning COVID would be even worse, we'd be at war with, I don't know, let's say

Luxembourg, and we'd all be living under Attorney General My Pillow Guy.

I know things are bleak right now, but depressingly, it's also important to

remember... this is technically the better timeline.

And I know that those pushing these bills claim that critics of them are

completely distorting what is inside them, and that any objections could

simply be cleared up with a basic step.

I would encourage people to actually read the bill, find out what the facts

are. It's time to take a chill pill, folks.

It's time to read the bill.

Read the bill. There is no voter suppression.

Read the bill and show me one person who's eligible to vote that will not be

able to vote. You can't find it. It's a lie.

It's just not there.

All right, well, if that is your criteria, then you obviously win.

Of course, nobody's going to find a bill that literally says, this specific

person should not be allowed to vote.

Even though we all know there is someone who shouldn't be allowed to vote, and

it's this guy.

His name is Brandon Caruso.

His favorite pizza topping is no sauce.

His favorite season of The Wire is I haven't watched it yet. And his list of

celebrities he'd have sex with outside of marriage is exclusively five times

the wheel from Wheel of Fortune.

Not Vanna, not Pat, the wheel.

Five times. One, two, three, four, five.

Brandon. But the thing is, if you do actually read these bills, you quickly

find they absolutely make it harder to vote, and particularly for certain

people. So tonight, we thought we would take a look at the attack on voting

rights and how best to fight it. And let's start with what is in these bills,

because it's a lot.

For instance, in Texas, where, remember, that guy claimed you can't find a single

instance of voter suppression, One thing their bill does is roll back a lot of

the innovative measures put in place during the pandemic that made voting

more accessible. Among other things, it gets rid of 24-hour and drive-through

voting, both methods that Harris County implemented last year. And as the county

clerk who oversaw that election points out, when you look at the precincts

where those methods were most popular, it's clear that the harm is pretty

targeted.

Why are we taking 24-hour voting away?

Because 56% of voters in November who used 24-hour voting were people of

color. And they know that. Why are we taking drive-thru voting away? Because

53% of those voters in 2020 were people of color.

Yeah, it's pretty obvious who is being targeted there. They may as well say,

you can't arrive at a polling place exhibiting a face in the Fenty 300s or

higher. Sure, you're not... saying people of color, but we all know what

the fuck is happening.

And it's not just drive-through voting.

Texas and all these other states have added new barriers to voting by mail.

Coincidentally, just a year after elections in which the percentage of

black people who voted by mail surged past white voters. Meanwhile, all these

states have put harsher voter ID requirements in place, even though

federal court cases found black and Latino voters in states with harsh laws

disproportionately lacked access to the types of voter IDs required to vote. So

already... When you do read these bills, you quickly find some shit in plain

view. It's like a second grader playing hide and seek.

You're bigger than the coffee table, bud.

I can see your feet, hands, full face, and you're giggling very loudly.

You didn't do a good job at hiding.

And some of those pushing these bills, like this state representative from

Georgia, even argued that if a law does make it harder to vote, that's not

necessarily a bad thing.

I do believe that voting in this country is a privilege.

It's a right. And it's a right as well. But it ought to mean enough where you

can put forth a little bit of effort in trying to cast your ballot.

Okay, except something can't be a right and a privilege that you need to work

for, because those are two completely different things. For instance, it is a

right for Brandon Caruso to imagine what hot, tawdry sex with the Wheel of

Fortune would be like. To imagine climbing on top of it and taking her all

in. To think about the crowd watching him. Yeah, that's right, the studio

audience is there. And they're rooting for him, because he did it. Brandon

finally did it. He's finally fucking the Wheel.

Imagining how good that'd feel is Brandon's right, but actually getting to

grab those pegs and give the wheel a spin, that is a privilege that should

take years of effort.

And look.

None of this is anything new. Republicans have been pushing

restrictive voting laws for years.

Back in 2013, North Carolina crafted a law that made it so the only acceptable

forms of voter ID were the ones disproportionately used by white people

in a bill a federal appeals court later said targeted African American voters

with almost surgical precision.

Which has to be the second worst context in which to hear that phrase, topped

only by surgery.

Look, ma'am, your husband's surgery was...

We got in there with almost surgical precision.

My team's not 100% yet, but we were really close on this one.

And frequently, these laws have been helped along by well-funded groups like

the Heritage Foundation, whose co-founder, Paul Weyrich, famously

admitted, I don't want everybody to vote. And whose former president, Jim

DeMint, once approvingly said, in the states where they do have voter ID laws,

you've actually seen elections begin to change towards more conservative

candidates. Pretty much giving the whole game away there.

And Heritage is very much still at it. Just this year, the executive director

of their sister organization, Heritage Action, actually bragged about their

role in... pushing this year's new bills.

We're working with these state legislators to make sure they have all

of the information they need to draft the bills. In some cases, we actually

draft them for them.

Iowa's huge victory, Governor Reynolds signed the bill on March 8th. Little

fanfare, honestly, nobody even noticed.

My team looked at each other and were like, it can't be that easy.

Like, it can't be that easy.

Well, hold on there, TJ Maxx Ivanka Trump, because anyone saying it can't be

that easy to do anything other than sneaking their own snacks into the

movies absolutely must be stopped.

The point here is, this has been a concerted, organized effort over many

years. But the reason it now has a much higher chance of working has to do with

a pair of Supreme Court decisions that gutted the landmark 1965 Voting Rights

Act, which prohibited racial discrimination in voting.

The first decision, Shelby County versus Holder, basically released these areas,

which had a prior history of discriminatory voting laws, from having

to run any new ones past the federal government first before they took

effect. And the second... Brnovich versus DNC, essentially found that even

if a voting restriction has a discriminatory impact, that in itself

doesn't necessarily violate the Voting Rights Act.

Those two decisions basically made it easier for some states to pass

discriminatory laws, while at the same time making it much harder for anyone to

challenge them.

And given that one of the dwindling ways that you can still successfully sue

under the VRA is by demonstrating a bill is racially motivated, it is hardly

surprising that those passing these new laws have been quick to shut down any

discussion of their racial impact.

In fact, in Texas, in the midst of debating their new bill, there was this

incredible moment.

Members, this is a reminder to everyone to be civil and respectful of our

colleagues. as we debate SB1.

The chair would appreciate members not using the word racism this afternoon.

Look, look.

If the word you don't want people to use is racism, I hate to break it to you,

but you're doing a racism.

Someone might have told you that sooner, but in fairness, you told them they're

not allowed.

A constant theme in debates over these bills is black elected officials

pointing out their impact and their white colleagues telling them to be

quiet. In Arizona, back in April, they were debating a bill that makes it hard

for many voters to receive an early ballot in the mail. But watch what

happened when one lawmaker started pointing out the disproportionate

impacts that that would have.

The effect of this bill will make it harder for independent voters.

seniors, Native Americans, black, brown, and low-income people to vote.

To each of you. Point of order.

In 2022.

Point of order. I have 12 words for you. Point of order.

Show up.

Point of order. Show out. Point of order.

And vote.

Okay, you should never shout someone down when they only want to say 12

words, unless, of course, those 12 words are, his testicles became swollen, his

friend was weeks away from getting married.

And look, and look, I know that obviously does not look good, but wait

until you see that man's colleague read from the rule book to explain his point

of order.

In accordance with Rule 19A, no member shall be permitted to indulge in

personalities, use language personally offensive, arraign motives of members,

charge deliberate misrepresentation, or use language tending to hold a member of

the House or Senate up to contempt. And I feel personally that...

motives were arraigned of members including myself with regards to colored

people black people whatever people this individual wants to single out in their

ability to vote and i i don't think it's correct and i think he should be sat

down and he shouldn't be allowed to speak

Oh, fuck all the way off. I do not care what the situation is. The very second

someone starts reading you the rules from a weird, tiny book, they can just

fuck right off into the sun. Also, for the record, if you say the words colored

people and it is not immediately preceded by National Association for the

Advancement of, you are officially in time out.

But Republicans cannot.

Just claim that they are not being racist in pushing these bills. They do

still need a reason for them. So what exactly is that reason?

Well, for years, they claimed that there was an epidemic of voter fraud, despite

the fact actual instances of that are incredibly rare. So they have now

shifted their justification from something measurable, what people are

doing, to something much less tangible, what they are feeling.

Just listen to the Lieutenant Governor of Texas making that exact pitch.

I've been asked why this bill is needed.

Very simple.

The bill is needed because Americans no longer trust the system.

And a country where voters do not trust the system is a country in peril.

Yeah, okay, but you still need a reason to legislate against something.

You can't just do it based on a feeling. If that were the case, I would propose a

bill to outlaw Tilda Swinton.

Why? Too creepy.

She looks like a ghost who knows exactly how and when you will die, but won't

tell you because it's more fun for her that way.

But look... I will say, despite the fact state and local officials found the last

election to be the most secure in American history, the truth is many

Republicans don't trust the system. But the reason for that might be that people

like Dan Patrick spent all of last year calling voting by mail a scam by

Democrats to steal the election and saying shit like this.

Look, when you have an opportunity to steal a vote, the Democrats will take

advantage of it. You can swing the balance easily, Ed. I could give you ten

scenarios, but I won't, because I don't want to give anyone ideas how you could

easily steal thousands of votes.

Oh, come on, Dan.

I can give you ten scenarios, but I won't is just such an obvious lie.

It's right up there with, I have a girlfriend, she goes to a different

school, you wouldn't know her. Or, I'm five minutes away.

Or, I've never sexually fantasized about lobsters. Come on, we've all done that.

It's natural. They're stoic and terrifying.

The perfect sexual combination.

What are we looking for if not someone who knows what they want, but also hates

you? That's lobsters, buddy. We want their claws pinching our earlobes. Not

too hard, but honestly...

Hard. You know, like when the dentist says, does this hurt? And you say, no,

but you mean yes, because you're kind of curious what this dentist can do when

pushed. Do you know how many legs a lobster has? I'll tell you, a sex

amount. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk. That many.

Fuck me, stupid, you weaponized ocean bitch.

Here is four hit reasons why it'd be cool to fuck an adult-sized lobster on

holiday. They live a long time, meaning that they know what they're doing. Their

backs are incredibly strong and responsive. I shouldn't have to explain.

why that's good sexually. They're incapable of racism, and they can't talk

and ruin the mood. We ask, is this good? And they just sort of wobble their

horrible black eyes around.

My point here is, we all think about having sex with burdened, unhappy

lobsters all the time, even in winter, and that is why we should not listen to

Dan Patrick, or honestly, whoever it was I was talking about earlier, I don't

remember. But here is the real thing.

There is a reason that Patrick can give you ten scenarios for Democrats stealing

elections but no evidence, and that is because despite saying he would pay up

to a million dollars for evidence of voter fraud, he has, to put it mildly,

not paid out.

And local election supervisors themselves will tell you that these

bills make no sense.

The Florida supervisors of elections strongly opposed their state's new bill,

with one Republican supervisor telling a reporter, it's stupid, okay?

It was a solution looking for a problem.

But it's actually one step worse than that. Because these are solutions to

problems that have been deliberately and strategically manufactured. And the game

is pretty obvious here. Use bullshit claims to stir up baseless fear to pass

unnecessary restrictions. targeting particular groups.

Just look what happened this week.

The nonsense audit in Arizona came to a humiliating conclusion that failed to

show yet again that Trump was cheated of victory. But its organizers still

recommended the legislature tighten up the election process to provide

additional certainty going forward. Because of course they fucking did.

It's all a shameless attempt to get to the same place.

So what can we do?

to fight all of this. Well, the good news is there is proposed legislation

that addresses many of the problems that you've seen tonight.

The John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act would restore parts of the VRA the

Supreme Court gutted, and more substantially, there is the Freedom to

Vote Act, which would, among other things, make voting by mail available

for every voter, make Election Day a public holiday, and make automatic voter

registration a national standard.

It is great.

Unfortunately, Mitch McConnell has announced that he will filibuster any

attempt to... to get either of those acts passed. So, if we want to protect

the ballot, which we absolutely should, we need to end the filibuster. And you

would hope that every national democratic politician would be

absolutely screaming about this, but some are doing the exact opposite.

Joe Manchin has consistently defended the filibuster. And when Joe Biden was

asked if he supports doing away with it to specifically protect voting rights,

this was his maddening answer.

What I don't want to do is get wrapped up right now in the argument whether or

not this is all about the filibuster or... Look, the American public, you

can't stop them from voting.

We tried last time.

More people voted last time than any time in American history in the middle

of the worst pandemic in American history. More people did.

And they showed up.

They're gonna show up again.

They're gonna do it again.

Sure, Joe.

Maybe, or maybe they'll show up and get turned away because of everything that

we've been talking about here.

Biden's White House even reportedly told voting rights groups that it is possible

to out-organize voter suppression.

But the problem is, it isn't. It just isn't. That is what voter suppression

is. As activists and actual organizers will tell you.

I'm very upset with President Biden because I feel like he's not advocating

for us in this moment.

What I want him to see is to stop saying to out-organize voter suppression.

I want him to support the elimination of the filibuster. I want him to support

and endorse the For the People Act because he needs to step up to the

plate. We are at a crossroads. We need federal assistance immediately.

If he's incapable of that, he needs to be quiet and go.

Yeah, he's right. The solution to voter suppression cannot be to just vote for

the same reason that the solution to being locked out of your home can't be

to tell someone, just go inside and get the keys.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm locked out.

How are you not understanding this situation?

All of this is to say to Joe Biden, Manchin, and any other Joe who wants to

skip doing anything significant and instead rely on the perseverance of the

American spirit, stop fucking around and fix this.

I know it is tempting to bang the optimistic drum that more Americans

showed up last year than ever before, and by gum, they'll do it again.

But here is the thing. The Republicans know that that might happen. That is why

they're doing this.

And anyone unwilling to do what it takes to actually tackle this problem should,

and I cannot believe I'm going to borrow this quote, really be sat down and not

allowed to speak.

And now, this.

And now, the utterly spectacular dramatic pauses of ESPN's Stephen A.

Smith. I'm gonna tell you the winners and losers for this summer

already.

Houston, you have a...

Speaking of problems.

I'm pretty ticked off.

How am I ticked?

To put it mildly, I am having a very bad...

So what happens?

Not one?

Not one? Not one?

Not bad?

Not bad?

I'll tell you something.

Before we go tonight, a quick word about the outdoors.

It's home to lakes, trees, and the candy witch who lures children to their doom.

It's great.

Specifically, though, I want to talk about one way to conserve the precious

nature that the outdoors contains, and that is duck stamps.

If you've never heard of them, I'll let this charmingly stilted 1990s video

explain it to you.

The majority of stamps are sold to waterfowl hunters who, by law, must have

a federal duck stamp in their possession while hunting.

Increasingly, others, young and old, are voluntarily buying federal duck stamps

as an effective, direct way to help conserve our nation's waterfowl and

other wildlife.

Now, I know that looks sweet, but to be fair, what you didn't see there is the

screaming that happened as soon as those two kids got home. What are these?

Duck stamps?

I sent you to the store for medicine!

Listen to me, your sister is about to die because she keeps spending all of

her insulin money on bird stickers!

But it is true. Every year, the federal government issues a duck stamp, which

isn't a postage stamp, but it's effectively a kind of permit for

hunters. They currently cost $25, and they've actually been a huge success

story for conservation, with 98 cents of every dollar that they make going to

protecting wetlands. Since 1934, the stamps have raised more than a billion

dollars to protect over six million acres of wetlands habitat.

And that is partly because...

Non-hunters like to collect these duck stamps too, and you can see why. There

have been some beauties in the past, like this 1960s stamp featuring a family

of redhead ducks, this 1980s one showcasing a majestic snow goose, and

this mottled duck from the 2000s who is absolutely ripped.

Check out the definition on that back.

Quick question, does this stamp come with Mooshu pancakes?

Because that duck is shredded.

But the best thing about the duck stamp... is how each year's is chosen,

because it's an annual nationwide art competition, and the judging of it is no

joke. The judges independently vote on each entry. They consider not only the

visual impact of the art and how it might look as a stamp, but also whether

it is anatomically accurate.

Yeah? It's true. Ducks must not only be beautiful, but also anatomically

accurate. An especially fun requirement, given that you're painting an animal

that has, as we've mentioned on this show before, a long corkscrew-shaped

penis. It is a fact that drove us to create this image of Donald Duck that,

as of taping, Disney has not yet sued us over.

And once you start looking into the duck stamp contest, it is not long before you

find some drama.

There are big names, like the Hotman Brothers, an actual duck dynasty, who

go... going into this year's competition, had collectively won it 13

times. They truly are the duck goats.

And there's also been a heated rivalry between one of the regular traditional

duck artists, Tim Taylor, and his more avant-garde rival, Rob McBroom, who Tim

Taylor has no time for.

Rob McBroom is a guy who enters the duck stamp every year, and every year, he

violates the rules.

He breaks every rule of the contest.

And he's really just an intention seeker. He's found this contest that

people take very seriously, and the contestants work really hard on their

entries, and he mocks it. He does paintings that mock it. Yeah, to be

fair, he does kind of do that. He submitted paintings to federal and state

contests that clearly go against the desired aesthetic, like this one of two

cartoonish ducks, and whatever the fuck this is.

Also... Rob McBroom is very much aware of Tim Taylor's criticism and trolled

him for years, even taking previous Taylor paintings and parodying them.

This is about as close as you can get to Tim's original without actually knowing

the size, and it's completely built from scratch.

This is the piece of work that Rob McBroom took off of the Internet to

abstract. The little bits I've learned about him, I'm like, okay, he obviously

hates... Barack Obama, and he hates communism, so I decided to load it up

with imagery with that.

Here's Barack Obama's birth certificate that he released.

Here's the eye of the duck, which is the communist symbol.

There's other things in here, like he was holding a baby at a christening, and

then I put Lenin's head on top of it.

Wow. That is petty.

Honestly, if I were Tim, I might back off at this point, because...

If this man made a communist duck out of your personal photographs, just think

what else he's capable of.

Here's another one, Tim. The feathers are made out of bank statements I fished

out of your trash, and the beak is from a photo of you I took while you were

sleeping. But by all means, keep talking shit.

The point here is, the duck stamp competition is intense.

Last year, there were some incredible entries, like this one of a duck somehow

tripping in midair. And this one, which I would argue, is actually a dog stamp.

A dog...

to a leather bar while a duck happened to be passing.

I'm not saying that as a criticism, I'm just saying that is what it is. But the

overall winner was this objectively wonderful, very anatomically accurate

painting of a lesser scalp drake by artist Richard Clifton. And hiding the

duck's coily dick underwater was a very smart move there, Richie. You can't see

it, but you know it's down there swirling away.

Quick, fun side note. That duck call in the corner is only there because under

the Trump administration, there was suddenly a rule that all entries had to

feature hunting imagery, which many people, understandably, did not really

like. Thankfully, that rule will be gone next year, which is good, because

potentially driving people away from the duck stamp is a really terrible idea.

Stamp sales are already down, and as you now know, that means less money for

conservation. What clearly needs to happen is for more people to be

driven... to collecting these things, and for that to work, you really need

this year's entry to be an absolute doozy.

And that is where we come in, because the fact is, anyone can enter this

contest, and I'm happy to announce that this year, this anyone did.

We commissioned... We commissioned a painter to create this gorgeous oil

painting of a blue-winged teal flying...

in the Nintendo game Duck Hunt, meeting their ridiculous hunting requirements.

This is a real, beautifully detailed painting that took months of work, but

I'm sorry to say...

it was actually disqualified because of, and I quote, the rule against having any

numbers or lettering on the entry, which is a truly ridiculous requirement. It's

like if they said no duck stamp is allowed to feature cans of SpaghettiOs

or Paul Sorvino.

What happened in past contests that prompted that regulation?

So that is the bad news.

The good news is we actually had a second entry. Specifically, this

painting of ducks judging the duck stamp art contest.

Unfortunately, we fell victim to the same bullshit number rule, and this was

disqualified too.

So, you can probably imagine just how relieved we were to suddenly remember

that we'd actually entered three other paintings as well. All of which, I'm

happy to say, did qualify for this weekend's contest. So let's take a look

at them. First, there is this one of a redhead duck hunting a hunter, hunting

another duck.

Behold the ominous...

quietly maniacal look in that duck's eyes. He's about to pull the trigger.

It's a haunting yet triumphant image. So let's see if the duck stamp judges liked

it. Please vote.

It's out.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Not one of you judges voted for that?

Ridiculous. Simply ridiculous.

All five of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

But you know what? You know what?

It's fine. Because remember...

we still had two others. Next up was this entry, duck with a pearl earring,

which I would argue is exquisite.

It makes the original Vermeer look like a complete pile of shit. That girl

doesn't even have any feathers, or a beak, for that matter. What a waste of

paint. So surely, surely, the judges loved this one.

Please vote.

It's out.

Oh, come on!

These judges are fucking clowns!

They don't know shit about art, they don't know shit about ducks, and they

certainly don't know shit about duck art.

And look, I'm not alone in being shocked by this. The people watching the

contest's livestream were very into this entry, writing, And

of course they do. What cultured

duck art lover would not want that?

So at this point, I admit, we were getting...

Luckily, our final painting was guaranteed to blow everyone away because

it is this masterpiece depicting a giant duck brokering peace between longtime

duck art rivals Tim Taylor and Rob McBroom. No one in their right mind

would not put this through at least to the second round, right?

So, judges, it's over to you.

Please vote.

It's out.

Fuck yourself straight to hell!

I'm sorry, the federal duck stamp contest just lost all of its integrity,

although I do admit the judges were not actually the only ones who did not care

for that entry. Tim Taylor himself actually replied to the painting in the

chat with, I don't know why anyone painted that.

Really, Tim?

You don't? I know why someone would paint that. It's because one, we paid

them to, and two, it's fucking awesome. That's why.

So, sadly, none of our entries made it past the first round of voting, and

eventually, the prize went to this entry.

Now, for the winner of the 2022-23 Duck Stamp Contest, with the painting of a

red head,

Mr. Jim Houtman from Chaska, Minnesota.

It's his sixth win.

Get the fuck... You know what? You know what?

I have to say, that's a beautiful duck painting. I do kind of get why the

Hoffman brothers keep winning this contest. That said, personally, I do

still prefer our duck hunt one. It's funnier and better and would have been a

cooler stamp.

But look, I am obviously disappointed.

that we not only did not win the duck stamp art contest this year, we didn't

even get a single vote from any judge.

Although I do think that says more about them than it does about our paintings,

because if any of us had won, they could have helped raise a bunch of money for a

very good cause. And the good news is, they actually still can. Please, come

with me.

Because I'm proud to say that we've decided to auction off each of these

absolute masterpieces.

with 100% of the proceeds going to the federal duck stamp program. And you know

what that means? That means that you, yes, you, have the chance to hang any of

these originals in your home. You can get rid of your stupid family portrait

and replace it with something much, much better. All you have to do is go to

bestduckingstamps.com and bid on whichever piece speaks to you the most.

You can bid until Friday at 10.30 p.m. And I'm now proud to say, ladies and

gentlemen... The bidding starts now.

That is our show. Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you next week. Good

night.