Original subtitles

Thank you so much for joining us. We are back, both in a studio for the first

time in 18 months, and with a new set. We have a new set and a small,

vaccinated, masked audience, one of whom, and I'm not saying who, has a

breakthrough case, not of COVID, though, relax, of smallpox, so it's completely

fine.

And we're gonna dive straight in tonight with Texas, a state so big it has three

official state mammals, two of which can go fuck themselves, and exactly one of

which is the armadillo, which is the perfect animal. For starters, it looks

like a possum who works at Medieval Times.

Plus, armadillos can roll up in a ball whenever they are scared. Plus, they

sleep for 16 hours a day, which, you know, relatable.

And some scream like this to scare off predators.

You tell them!

Sadly, though, tonight cannot be all fun armadillo facts, because Texas is

currently reeling from an incredibly draconian new abortion law.

Abortion providers in Texas have started turning away patients as the state's new

abortion law took effect at midnight.

The Texas law bans abortion after about six weeks of pregnancy, when a so-called

fetal heartbeat is detected, a controversial term because of how

undeveloped the embryo is at that stage.

or incest. The new Texas law does not allow state officials to enforce the

ban. Instead, it lets private citizens sue anyone who helped a woman violate

the law for $10,000.

Yeah, it's true. Private citizens can now sue others for aiding in an

abortion, whether they're a doctor, a clinic worker, or even an Uber driver

who took someone to the clinic, meaning that this law has somehow managed to do

the impossible and make being an Uber driver even worse.

Hey, you don't get health insurance, people are gonna be assholes to you, and

now you might also have a cash bounty on your head. Now get out there and beg for

stars.

After the law went into effect last week, the Supreme Court, in a major

step, took a pass on intervening, something that was such a huge piece of

news, even TMZ had to weigh in.

The Supreme Court could have blocked this, because if any law seems counter

to Roe versus Wade, it would seem to be this. The fact that they were completely

silent on this just...

speaks volumes. It speaks volumes, and the real-world impact of this in Texas

is 85 to 90% of abortions in Texas happen at the six-week or later mark.

Most women don't know they're pregnant within the six-week period. Right, and

the way that, you know, Roe worked was, it was about viability of the fetus. It

was 22 to 24 weeks. That's a massive period of time in which women were

having legal abortions. Now in Texas, if you get sued under this law and you

lose, they can...

shut down your clinic. They shut down the clinic, that's right. They shut the

clinic down.

What the fuck?

Congratulations, Texas. I think you just broke TMZ.

They shouldn't be having to cover this story. They should be doing what they do

best, gathering around in a circle of America's worst bachelor and

bachelorette party attendants while Harvey hydrates from a large container.

And they all dissect something like whether or not Katherine Heigl's dog got

butt implants.

You know, what they're good at. That guy in shorts shouldn't be having to talk

about fetal viability.

But you know what? I guess if he's doing my job, I get to do his and spend the

rest of tonight asking you which hot Hollywood hunk has these summer-ready

abs. And guys?

Guys? Guys?

Guys? It's Wallace Shawn.

You know what? This is better.

It's a better, better show.

This law will have catastrophic effects. Providers say that it would have

prevented at least 85% of the procedures previously completed in the state. And

when Governor Abbott was pressed on why he signed a bill that would essentially

force survivors of rape or incest to carry a pregnancy to term, his response

was something.

Let's make something very clear.

Rape is a crime.

And Texas will work tirelessly to make sure that we eliminate all rapists from

the streets of Texas by aggressively going out and, uh, arresting them and

prosecuting them and getting them off the streets.

Oh, fuck off. Just fuck right off. Set aside your announcing, we'll arrest

rapists, like it's a brand new idea when you're Tim Cook unveiling a new iPhone.

We could talk about how Abbott clearly doesn't understand that it's not just

scary, faceless criminals on the street perpetuating rapes, but most often it's

actually someone known to the victim. We could talk about how arresting rapists

doesn't actually fix the problem of women needing legal, safe abortions. We

could even talk about the myriad of reasons women get abortions and how

framing the issue around the most horrific situations just further

demonizes the procedure. But honestly, it might really just be quicker to say,

fuck off, Greg, as shorthand for all the other stuff we don't have time to get

into. Now, thankfully, people are pushing back hard. On Thursday, the DOJ

announced that it was suing Texas, calling the law an unprecedented scheme

to evade judicial review, which it very much is. And when a pro-life group set

up a website where people could report violations of the new law, people

started quickly flooding it with tips like claiming the fictional characters

in Marvel's Avengers were apparently seeking abortions, which, at the very

least, is a hell of a pitch for an episode of What If?

And some... went with an even blunter approach.

I found this website for, like, anonymously snitching on people who

break the Texas Heartbeat Act. You can attach any file you want to it.

So I, uh, I just sent them a bunch of Shrek porn.

Yeah.

TikTok users bombard anti-abortion websites with Shrek porn.

It's one of those sentences I never thought I'd have to say. Like, everyone

needs to stop talking about Kim Jong-un's sexy bod, and Ben Affleck

looks so happy right now.

Look. Fucking with pro-lifers on TikTok is clearly funny, but it's not going to

roll back this law.

And Texas seems to be facing few consequences for what it's done. When

Greg Abbott was asked whether he worried that the law would deter investment in

the state, he said, you need to understand that there's a lot of

businesses and a lot of Americans who like the social positions that the state

of Texas is taking. And the thing is, so far...

Much of corporate America has decided to not weigh in on this, a stark contrast

with their recent willingness to speak out on racial justice, voting rights,

and other social issues. And it's not just silence here. A major donor to the

sponsors and co-sponsors of this bill is a political action committee belonging

to AT&T, who, pending approval of our sale to Discovery, are still technically

our business daddy. So, we asked them to comment on this, and they told us...

AT&T has never taken a stance on abortion.

An amazing sentence.

And employee PAC contributions to Texas legislators went to both supporters and

opponents of the Texas legislation. And listen, not taking a stance on this

issue right now is taking a stance.

And both sides-ing abortion isn't really the PR slam dunk.

than they seem to think it is, although it is certainly on brand for them. AT&T

clearly likes their public statements the same way that they like their cell

signal, hilariously fucking weak.

And look.

The fight to undermine the constitutional right to abortion is not

just happening in Texas.

The Supreme Court will hear arguments about a Mississippi anti-abortion law

later this year that is a direct challenge to Roe v. Wade. This is not a

hypothetical debate, but the latest escalation in the ongoing attack on

reproductive rights. And I don't really have the words to express how

infuriating that is right now. But maybe this sums things up best.

Yeah, well said, buddy.

And now this.

And now, yet again, it's that time of year.

Well, a fan favorite at Starbucks is back. Whether you like it or not, the

coffee chain is bringing back its pumpkin spice latte.

It's back!

The season of spice grows longer and more fragrant each year!

Eric said if pumpkins are just coming into season now, what is being used as

that pumpkin spice flavor?

You know, for the last three, four weeks.

And my response to him was, I don't care.

Yes! Shut up, Eric!

Nobody cares!

Eric, you fucking nerd!

I don't like them. I don't either. I think they're terrible. I love pumpkin.

I love coffee. Me too. I would have them together, but don't stick them in each

other. Right.

Rah! You stick them in each other!

Stick the coffee in the pumpkin!

Jam the pumpkin in the milk!

Shove it all into my wretched lungs so that I might breathe deliciously!

Check it out. Now Bud Light is rolling out a pumpkin spice hard seltzer. Wait,

what?

Actually, can we cut for a second?

Bud Light?

Bud Light seltzer?

Why would you do that?

I don't understand.

This isn't fun anymore.

You ruined it!

It was perfect and you ruined it.

Moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns Belarus.

And I know you might be expecting me to play that game where I tell you that's

not actually Belarus, it's somewhere else. But here's the thing.

That game was supposed to encourage you to learn some basic geography. And

honestly, I started to get the sense that some of you just grew to enjoy

being humiliated by it.

Which is why those particular people will be happy to know that that's not

actually Belarus, that's Belarus.

Happy now, you freaks?

Specifically, we'd like to talk about Belarus's president and autocratic

leader, Alexander Lukashenko, who has had quite a year. In fact, you might

have noticed stories about Belarus popping up with increasing regularity,

especially since last August, when they had a highly contested election which

made international headlines.

Thousands of people unleashing their fury in the capital city of Minsk and

elsewhere also around the country.

Mr. Lukashenko, who has ruled for nearly three decades, has faced a wave of anger

over his handling of the coronavirus pandemic and the economy as well.

Despite that, official state-approved exit polls gave him an overwhelming

majority of 80%. It's true. They claimed Lukashenko won with 80% of the vote,

which was immediately fishy.

for a couple of reasons. One, the massive protest that followed, and two,

the idea that any man could still be popular after nearly three decades in

the public eye.

I've only had this show for eight years, and even I can barely stand the sight of

me.

And Belarusians aren't just furious at Lukashenko for his handling of the

coronavirus, although from the beginning of the pandemic, his mismanagement of it

was incredibly reckless.

At first, he called the virus a psychosis and said it was treatable with

vodka and saunas.

And at a crowded hockey game, he denied its existence.

I don't understand.

There are no viruses here. Did you see any of them flying around?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense, doesn't it? Just look around you. You don't see any COVID

viruses, do you? Do you hear any Ebola?

Smell any measles? Taste any AIDS in the air? No, of course not.

That's how you know they're not here. What is here is your fearless leader

who's about to go and score a hat trick for the Minsk midlife crises.

Lukashenko's terrible handling of COVID is just the beginning here. He's

described himself as the last and only dictator in Europe, which is, in itself,

just an amazing thing to say.

Bragging about being the last dictator is like bragging about being the last

Radio Shack or the last person to make a movie with Harvey Weinstein. It's not an

enviable title.

And sadly, for some Belarusians, he's the only leader they've ever known.

How old are you? I am 22.

You're 22?

Yeah. So your whole life you've lived under one president.

How does that feel for you? Well, it feels like shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, I bet it does.

Especially since the person who's been in charge for that man's entire life is

a hard-boiled egg with a mustache who calls himself a dictator and thinks

COVID only exists if he can see it zooming around in a tiny little jet.

That process was from last September, and things have only escalated since

then. You may remember a Belarusian athlete refusing to return home during

the Tokyo Olympics, and back in May, this happened.

This morning, Belarus is facing growing international protests and condemnation

after the country's president, Alexander Lukashenko, sent a fighter jet to ground

a commercial plane flying between two European capitals. And with it, 26-year

-old dissident journalist Roman Protasevich and his girlfriend.

One passenger says Roman pleaded, The Ryanair crew replied,

Yeah.

A journalist who was critical of the government briefly passed through

Belarusian airspace on a commercial flight, so Lukashenko personally ordered

a fighter jet to intercept it and force it to land.

Now... Belarusian authorities originally claimed that they did that because of an

emailed bomb threat from Hamas. But, records show that email was sent 24

minutes after they informed the pilot about the bomb threat. Not to mention,

it was sent from Ahmed Yolanov1988 at protonmail.com with the subject line,

Allahu Akbar, which is just impossibly lazy.

It's just...

One step above emailing from badguy6969 at yahoo.com with the subject line,

terrorist stuff, parentheses, like 9-11.

So given how much things seem to be spiraling in Belarus, we thought tonight

it'd be worth giving you some context for what is happening over there and

taking a look at exactly who Alexander Lukashenko is. And let's start with the

fact that he is the greatest president in the history of Belarus, specifically

because he's the only president in the history of Belarus.

Lukashenko won the country's first free and fair election in 1994, three years

after the fall of the Soviet Union, when he, a former manager of a state-owned

farm, vowed to raise taxes on... and defeat corruption.

It sounded great, and he was genuinely popular at the time. Just listen to a

former AIDS-turned-critic recall how people reacted to Lukashenko at his

rallies. Three thousand people who were listening to him, instead of leaving the

stadium, moved towards him like an avalanche. I remember as if it happened

yesterday. They were reaching out to him like believers to a relic praying for

God's grace.

Women were lifting up their children for Lukashenko to touch them.

Others were reaching out with books, newspapers, or even banknotes just to

get his autograph.

Well, Lukashenko was no Michael Jackson, but this is what really happened.

Well, well, hold on there, because was he no Michael Jackson?

Think about it. Lukashenko was immensely popular in the 90s. Die-hard fans packed

stadiums to see him, and he eventually torpedoed his reputation because it

turns out he was an absolute monster. To be honest, I think Lukashenko fully

earned that comparison.

And he still very much plays up his humble farm background through photo ops

like this one, where he's harvesting potatoes while dressed like Chef

Boyardee at an orgy.

He once gave four bags of potatoes and a tub of lard to Vladimir Putin as a

Christmas gift.

And when Steven Seagal visited Belarus, Lukashenko also gifted him produce with

the Washington Post poetically writing at the time, there was no hesitation on

Steven Seagal's face as he took a raw, freshly peeled carrot from the hands of

the Belarusian president, Alexander Lukashenko, and bit into it with a

satisfying chomp.

Which is just...

an elegant tapestry of words. You don't even need a video to imagine what it was

like to see Steven Seagal using his mouth bones to break off the tip of that

rabbit hot dog, but you know what? We're gonna show it to you anyway.

Magnificent. Look, no disrespect, no disrespect to Seagal classics like...

Under siege, hard to kill, above the law, and probably something called

hunting the fire or whatever.

But that is the greatest film Steven Seagal has ever made.

But for all Lukashenko's common man posturing, his promises to combat

corruption quickly fell apart.

Just five months into his presidency, a deputy compiled an investigation into

corruption in parliament, which was said to have contained charges against

various high-ranking officials.

But the government banned all press coverage of the report, to the point

where local newspapers that had planned to publish the results of it instead

ended up publishing blank pages like these.

And that was just the beginning of a decades-long assault on the press.

Shortly afterward, Lukashenko replaced the editors-in-chief of four leading

newspapers and took the national radio and television under strict control,

creating an environment so hostile to independent journalism, Belarus is now

considered the most dangerous country in... for members of the media, with

members constantly subjected to violence, arbitrary detentions,

interrogations, raids, and more.

And the control Lukashenko exerts over even small, petty details is incredible.

Is it true that you cannot film the back of Lukashenko's head?

Yes, it's true. Is it because he has a bald patch, or...? Yeah, it's a kind of

very weird haircut, so it's growing from one side.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Hold on there.

You're telling me this guy is bald?

This guy.

This guy.

This man right here. You're telling me that this guy is bald?

Bald, you say?

You know what? I think you might actually be right.

He looks like he kind of grew his left sideburn into a rat tail and then

shellacked it onto his bear scalp.

The answer to the question, is Lukashenko bald at this point, is a

resounding, oh, I wish.

But Lukashenko's bizarre behavior goes well beyond censoring the media and

force-feeding Steven Seagal raw vegetables.

Over the years, he's made statements like, better to be a dictator than gay,

and not everything connected in Germany with the well-known Adolf Hitler was

bad, really taking the phrase playing devil's advocate a bit too literally.

And if you're thinking, okay, but who didn't accidentally praise Hitler in the

90s first, why are you thinking that?

And second, just this summer, he said the entire world grovels to the Jews,

which is obviously awful.

Lukashenko treats anti-Semitism the way fashion treats low-rise bell-bottoms. He

keeps bringing it back, even when it was never acceptable at any point in

history.

Overall... It seems Lukashenko operates from the standard authoritarian

playbook, and he's repeatedly worked to codify his power, using a controversial

referendum in 1996 to extend his first term and dramatically increase his

powers and weaken those of the legislature, and then using a second

referendum to completely remove term limits in 2004.

At this point, outside observer groups have reported that non... of his last

five election victories have been legitimate. And throughout his time as

president, Lukashenko has clamped down hard on the slightest signs of dissent.

In 2012, two men staged toy protests with stuffed animals holding anti

-Lukashenko slogans. Objectively, the cutest display of civil disobedience

that I have ever seen. But that wound up getting both of those men sentenced to

ten days in jail.

A sentence that in itself actually inspired a follow-up protest.

In July, hundreds of teddy bears rained down on Belarus.

They wore parachutes and carried pro-democracy messages.

The man behind the prank is a marketing executive with a Swedish firm.

He took off from Lithuania in this tiny plane.

For 90 minutes, he let the fur fly.

Perfect. I love it. Ten out of ten there.

We should be dropping parachuting teddy bears from the sky here all the time,

not even as an act of protest.

It should just be a thing that we do.

Oh, it's 1 p.m., everyone.

It's daily parachuting teddy bear time. Why did we even invent planes if we're

not gonna use them to drop teddy bears out of the sky and instantly improve

everybody's day? I don't understand the society we've built for ourselves.

We are fucking idiots!

Now, look, unsurprisingly...

Lukashenko tried to cover that incident up, which proved to be impossible due

to, you know, the existence of the Internet. So instead, he tried to save

face by firing two generals, the head of the Border Service and the head of the

Air Force. But the thing is...

Even though protests like those can be whimsical, what happens to dissidents in

Belarus is absolutely horrific.

Opposition figures have disappeared over the years, and some are suspected of

being murdered by the state.

And there have been numerous allegations of political detainees being tortured,

as this BBC journalist once tried to demonstrate in what I will say is a

pretty bold manner.

The opposition in Belarus say they were tortured by being forced to strip naked

in freezing conditions.

So we go to a cold store in North London where the temperature is minus 24

Celsius.

So the guards force the prisoners to strip naked and stand in this position,

spread eagles.

In minus 20, there was snow outside.

In the jargon of torture, this is a stress position.

Quick question, and it actually has nothing to do with the prisoner torture.

Why did you do that?

You could have just told us the prisoners were forced to stand in the

cold naked.

We'd have believed you.

And we'd have been able to imagine what that looks like. We really didn't need

to see you standing there, cakes out, to get your very basic point.

And the thing is, that brutality has only escalated. Recently, Lukashenko has

increased the number of arrests of human rights activists and journalists, and

police have raided their offices and homes. Just this week, an opposition

leader was sentenced by the state to 11 years in prison. And even when

dissidents manage to escape Belarus, they may not be safe.

A few weeks ago, an activist who'd fled to Ukraine went out for a run and was

found hanged in a park.

And while that has not yet been officially confirmed as a murder...

Come on!

I'm not sure which species of trees are native to Ukraine, but I don't think any

of them naturally have Belarusian dissidents hanging from them. The point

here is for nearly three decades now, Belarus has experienced a brutal cycle

of oppression in which Lukashenko wins elections that are neither free nor

fair, locks up his political opponents, people take to the streets in protest,

and he violently cracks down.

It is no wonder the Belarusian people seem to have had enough.

A leaked poll showed that only about a third of the population and trusts

Lukashenko, which is impressively low, considering, remember, he controls the

national media.

And even there, his grip seems to be slipping, though. Last year, presenters

on a state TV morning show walked off and resigned, leaving viewers watching

this.

Wow.

That is both a brave act of protest by Belarusian broadcasters and also...

everyone's dream panel on The View.

And you do get the sense Lukashenko may be starting to feel some pressure

here, because when marchers likened him to a cockroach, and online polls showed

him having only 3% support from his people, instead of simply ignoring that,

this is how he responded.

Do you really believe that the serving president has just 3% support?

Stop harassing and insulting us, calling me a mustached cockroach, etc.

I am still the president of this country. In no country in the world are

you allowed to insult people.

Uh... Yes, you are.

Yeah. Yeah, you definitely are. Here, I'll prove it to you.

Your suit's too big, you suck at hockey, and whatever it is you do with your hair

isn't fucking working. See?

Not... Not in jail.

I'm not in jail.

So look.

Things are clearly bleak in Belarus, and Svetlana Tikhanovskaya, the woman widely

believed to be the real winner of last year's election, and who, by the way,

only ran after her husband, Lukashenko's initial opponent was imprisoned, has

fled the country. But she is still leading the country's pro-democracy

movement from exile. She's asked world leaders to demand the release of what is

thought to be over 650 political prisoners. And I will say, the EU, the

US, the UK, and Canada have imposed sanctions on Belarus, targeting

everything from...

associates of Lukashenko to the Belarusian economy. And the Biden

administration has just recently imposed more. But the truth is...

Sanctions can only do so much here, and Lukashenko does not seem keen to end his

reign. In fact, many think that he's groomed his youngest son, Kolya, to take

his place, because since he was young, Lukashenko's been dragging him along

everywhere he goes on state business. Here he is.

Here he is again.

Here he is again.

He is in all of these photos.

I don't know exactly when European Bring Your Kid to Work Day is, but it can't be

always.

So at this point, it looks like the only thing that will really improve things in

Belarus is if the people there somehow manage to reform their constitution and

ensure that free and fair elections are finally held. And as we have seen

tonight, fighting for those changes is going to be incredibly risky.

But there may be one extremely small way...

that we can actually help here, or if not help, at least annoy the shit out of

Lukashenko. Because if there is one thing that we know he hates other than

gay people, Jews, his old bald head, and anyone who disagrees with him, it is

teddy bears. And frankly, why wouldn't he? I mean, look at them. They're

everything that he's not. Cute, lovable, and covered in thick, natural hair all

the way around.

So, we actually decided...

to make our own special teddy bear in his honor. As you can see, he's wearing

a shirt with farmer Lukashenko's favorite vegetables in a totally random

configuration. If you think they look like something else, what does that say

about you?

And instead of dropping them from a plane over Belarus, we're actually

offering them to you.

at this website, BelarusBearForce.com, for the price of $19.99.

We've partnered with Global Giving to give 100% of sales to organizations

fighting for the freedom of the press and human rights for the people of

Belarus. So please, buy one of these bears, and not just for the people of

Belarus, but for my sake, too. We bought 10,000 of these things.

And if we don't get rid of all of them, I'm in real shit.

Go to BelarusBearForce.com.

Vote one for yourself, your parents, your least politically informed co

-worker, or your friend's new baby who you have no idea what to get because

it's not like you've ever hung out with it before.

So, be sure to order your teddy bear today and support the people of Belarus.

I promise you, they are flight ready.

That is our show.

Thank you so much for watching.

It's great to be back.

Good night!

It's raining bears!