Original subtitles

Welcome to the show, our second-to-last one, incidentally, taking place in this

blank void.

So... Hey, everybody.

Hey. Hey, John. Yeah.

I've been thinking a lot about, you know, you and I in the last few weeks.

And I, you know, I'm a void. And sometimes I can be cantankerous. Right.

If you know what that means. But I do want to say I actually will miss you

when you're gone.

Wait, really?

No, not at all.

I'm totally joking.

Bye, goodbye, get out. I hate you. Yeah, I did. I figured. Moving on. What a

fucking idiot. Moving on!

It's been a busy week in Afghanistan. The Taliban now controls half of the

country's provincial capitals. Here in New York, Andrew Cuomo resigned in

disgrace, or as Chris Cuomo might say...

But I'd like to talk about the coronavirus, because sadly, our hot vac

summer seems to be giving way to dipshit autumn, as the Delta variant is

spreading wildly around the country, particularly among the unvaccinated,

with the U.S. averaging around 100,000 new infections a day.

And alarmingly, roughly 15% of new cases are children, with over 260 kids being

newly hospitalized each day. And all of this means that many hospitals are yet

again being stretched to breaking point, particularly in certain parts of the

country, with Florida and Texas alone accounting for 40% of new

hospitalizations. And the response of Florida's governor has been

underwhelming. Today, Florida's governor conceded things may look bad. We are

seeing people testing positive in higher numbers than I think most people

anticipated. But his message?

Deal with it. It's airborne.

It's aerosolized. And so we just have to understand that when that's happening,

these waves are something that you have to deal with. Wow.

The world changes so quickly, doesn't it? If you told me just a few years ago

that Florida's Republican governor would respond to a deadly threat with, these

waves are something you just have to deal with, I'd have assumed they were

talking about Miami sinking into a warming ocean, not a completely

different, totally self-induced crisis.

And it's pretty tough to hear this cut-rate Coach Taylor saying, just deal

with it, when he seems to be very much not doing that.

Just a few weeks ago, DeSantis issued an order banning school mask mandates,

making Florida one of at least seven states now prohibiting schools from

imposing them. And school board meetings around the country have seen fiery

exchanges about this issue. In North Carolina, Representative Madison

Cawthorn showed up to one to do whatever this is.

The greatest threat to our children today does not come from COVID-19.

It comes from woke liberal government officials like you who think they are

all knowing and all wise.

I'm a direct descendant of Abraham Kukendall, one of the first men to

settle this county.

He knew hardship firsthand.

He did not endure that hardship just so a woke school board could begin to

systematically strip the responsibility from the hands of parents and guardians

to determine what happens with their children.

Okay, so Madison Cawthorn thinks the biggest threat to children is school

board members who think they're omniscient. I'd say I was surprised by

that, but this is a man who once posted this video of himself beating up a tree.

So he clearly loves to pick useless fights against imaginary opponents where

he comes out looking like a complete asshole.

Also, quick side note about him bragging about being a descendant of Abraham

Kukendahl. Not only does that last name sound like the Swedish translation for

Bratz dolls, for the record, Abraham...

Kirkendall, which is how it's actually pronounced, was one of the earliest

slave owners in the county, so next time you're trying to prove a point about how

parents should decide what's best for their kids, maybe don't use a guy who

decided the best thing for other people's kids was for him to own them.

And that was by no means the only wildly inappropriate historical reference

during a debate this week.

Just after the Fox Chapel School Board voted for students to wear masks as the

new school year begins, people at the meeting started arguing with the board

before this person appears to flash the Nazi salute at the board. The Holocaust

Center of Pittsburgh says there is no comparison between the Holocaust and

masking children in schools.

Okay, I appreciate the effort there, but you really didn't need to ask the

Holocaust Center to fact check that for you for the same reason that you don't

need to contact an African study center to ask if the Rwandan genocide was as

bad as getting a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth. If you don't already know

the answer, you don't understand either of the things you're comparing.

And look...

When tempers are this high, it can be hard to sort things through in a nuanced

way. But let's try. Because first, we can agree, for most kids, in-person

schooling is vastly preferable to the online kind.

The question is how to do it safely.

And those opposed to mask mandates argue that since COVID cases in children have

tended to be mild, which is thankfully true, the downsides of them wearing

masks outweigh the benefits. But that is a big swing.

There is still so much that we don't know. about how long-term COVID and the

Delta variant affects kids.

And what we do know is that COVID is significantly more deadly for adults,

and in many communities, for some fucking reason, there are lots of

unvaccinated adults to whom kids could transmit the virus.

But it doesn't feel like any of that nuance is being factored into this

discussion, especially when you see scenes like people being harassed

outside this Tennessee school board meeting with a man who spoke in favor of

mask requirements being confronted like this.

Everybody's taking no... Keep your notes, buddy.

Keep that little smug. We know who you are.

You can leave freely, but we will find you, and we know who you are. You will

never be allowed in public again.

Holy shit.

It is genuinely hard to imagine a five-word phrase less welcome than, we

know who you are, aside from, obviously, New Jeopardy host Mike Richards.

And look, I'm not saying masks in and of themselves are a perfect shield against

transmission. They're not.

Experts argue that they should be part of a layered approach, like ensuring

proper ventilation in schools, maintaining social distancing, and

requiring that everyone in a school who can get a vaccine does.

The problem is, though, it is not like some of these states are saying, okay,

well, we'll take every reasonable precaution except for masks because in

Texas, they're doing this.

The Texas Education Agency released new guidance regarding COVID-19 and schools.

Under the new guidelines, schools are not required to inform parents of a

positive case. Schools do not have to conduct contact tracing. And if a school

does contact trace, parents can still choose to send a child to school if they

are a close contact of an infected student.

What the fuck are you doing?

The phrase, everything's bigger in Texas, is supposed to refer to meat,

trucks, and belt buckles, not the market for child-sized ventilators.

And look, I know, some kids literally can't wear a mask all day, but that is

all the more reason that, until transmission is in check, anyone who

can, does.

and both the CDC and the American Academy of Pediatrics, representing

nearly 70,000 doctors, are arguing for universal indoor masking for kids. And

the thing is, you can't help thinking that some of the fuss over masks is more

about the parents than it is about their kids.

In fact, just watch as Juan basically admits that.

Well, I mean, honestly, it's just crazy. I mean, last time I checked, it was

America, and you can't make anybody do anything. I mean, I thought that's what

people died for, our freedom.

Last year, he did have to wear a mask. And, you know, honestly, he thinks it's

cool. I'm not going to lie. You know, he thinks he's a ninja.

And I say, son, don't say that when they ask if you'd like to wear a mask. But,

you know, it doesn't really affect him, I guess, right now. But, you know, he

doesn't know what's going on.

Oh, come on!

If your kid happens to like wearing a mask, let them fucking wear it. Do you

realize how rare it is for a child to voluntarily do something that is a net

positive for public health?

Kids are normally just moving snot dispensaries that run around coughing on

doorknobs and sneezing directly into people's mouths.

Look. The key thing to remember here is that the absolute best thing we can do

to keep COVID from spreading in schools isn't simply putting masks on children.

It's for the whole community surrounding that school to be vaccinated.

It is no coincidence that the first large wave of COVID cases in children is

hitting low vaccination states.

So, you really want to protect the health of children and the community

they live in?

Here's your fucking answer.

We are only fighting about masks in schools right now because there are a

bunch of foolish adults who have decided not to get the vaccine. And to all of

them, I can only say, to quote a bunch of upsettingly loud idiots, we know who

you are, and you're the fucking problem.

And now, this.

And now, Pete Nelson from Treehouse Masters really, really likes trees.

Boy, there's some great looking trees. These maples. Tulip poplar, as they're

known. A lot of pine.

Oak trees. Eastern hemlocks.

Look at this beautiful tunnel of love.

Look at the size of this gorgeous, big oak.

I'd rather be in a tree that's in its adolescent years, if you will. Having

just said that, if there's a big, beautiful, mature oak that's, you know,

clearly been around a long time.

You get so attracted to those too that you can't help yourself. There was a

little communication right there between me and the big guy that was like, let's

do this. I mean, it's asking for it. It wants us to be here. I saw them earlier,

but I didn't want to jump their bones right away. I mean, these are regal.

It's the king of the forest.

And we've had this thing going for about seven years.

I think it senses that now is the time. My tree juices are pumping.

I'm feeling something really good right in here. I'm like buzzing.

Oh, it feels really good. This feels great.

This is fantastic.

Moving on. Our main story tonight concerns the Internet.

It's a horrible place that everyone hates, which is a little weird, as it's

given us almost everything that we were promised in this nearly prescient ad

from 1993.

Have you ever borrowed a book from thousands of miles away?

Across the country.

Without stopping for directions.

Or send someone a fax.

From the beach?

You will.

And the company that'll bring it to you, AT&T.

Wow. That was two-thirds of the way to shockingly accurate.

E-books?

check, GPS, check, beach fax, not in this or any other lifetime.

Although I will say, if there was one company that would go all in on a doomed

technology like sand faxing, it would be AT&T.

Specifically, though, I want to talk about one of the more damaging things

the Internet has enabled, and that is ransomware attacks.

Basically, incidents where hackers get into a computer, lock up the data, and

then force the owners to pay a ransom in order to unlock it. You may have heard a

lot about them recently. Back in May, a ransomware attack shut down a top U.S.

gas pipeline, the Colonial Pipeline, a major artery for fuel along the East

Coast. And while the company stressed at the time that there was still plenty of

gas available, just the very idea that they're... there might be a shortage led

to chaos.

The lines for gas getting longer, from the Carolinas down to Florida.

Panicked drivers, overwhelming gas stations.

Across the Southeast, demand is up 40%. Prices at the pump inching up, too.

I'll spend that extra few bucks.

That's the way it is. Well, I just could've heard there was gonna be a run

on gas, and we figured, uh, I better get it now. Yeah.

That makes sense. There won't be a run on gas unless everyone is an idiot,

which means there's definitely gonna be a run on gas, so I might as well be a

faster idiot.

He's not wrong, but it is people like that guy that make everything completely

impossible all of the time, so thanks, that guy.

Life just wouldn't be the same without you, and I really wish life weren't

always the same.

The scale of the colonial hack was truly remarkable, and then in July, the IT

software company Kaseya got hit with an even bigger hack. And since its job was

to push software to other companies, that meant that hundreds of Kaseya's

clients and its clients' clients, like a grocery store chain, a public

broadcaster, schools, and a national railway system, were also compromised.

And if you're thinking, hold on, is it just me? Or did there not used to be a

massive ransomware attack every two months?

You're actually right.

Over the past few years, it's gone from a trickle to an absolute flood.

The estimated total ransoms paid quadrupled to $350 million last year,

and that is definitely an undercount. Because companies often don't publicly

disclose ransomware attacks for fear of negative press or lawsuits.

And it's not just companies involved here.

Everyone is vulnerable to ransomware, even this woman.

Inna Simone is retired.

She's a mother and grandmother from Russia who now lives outside of Boston.

In the fall of 2014, her home computer started acting strangely.

Inna saw dozens of these messages. They were all the same.

They read, your files are encrypted.

To get the key to decrypt them, you have to pay $500.

All of her files were locked, tax returns, financial papers, letters, even

the precious photos of her granddaughter Zoe.

Tuesday afternoon, the full ransom was sent to the hacker's account.

Ina inserted one short message to the criminals with her payment. I wrote, I

wish you all will drop dead.

Yeah. You almost forgot that woman was gonna be Russian for a moment, didn't

you? And then, she's really Russian. She is enjoying herself.

You can tell that this isn't the first time she's wished death on someone, and

also, this wouldn't be the first time her wish came true.

So, if it is so pervasive that it's affecting pipelines and grandmothers, we

thought tonight, we'd take a look at ransomware.

why it's on the rise, and what, if anything, can be done about it. And

let's start with some history. The first ransomware attack actually occurred back

in 1989, when a man named Joseph Popp mailed 20,000 floppy disks to public

health researchers that he claimed contained AIDS research.

But when they inserted the disk, their computers were infected with malware,

their files were locked up, and the program demanded they mail $189 to a P

.O. box in Panama.

That's right. This is a cyber crime so old, it used to require... a bunch of

floppy disks and two physical mailmen. Oh, and fun fact, after being arrested,

Pop claimed in court that he had planned to donate that ransom money to AIDS

research, which is a little weird because he had stolen that money from

AIDS researchers in the first place. He's like Robin Hood if Robin Hood had

gone around taking money from the poor and promising the poor that he'd

definitely give it back later.

But obviously, ransomware doesn't come in via floppy disk anymore. Instead, it

gets into your system through the internet with a message like this.

This is what it looks like when you get attacked.

It says your network has been infected right there in big red type. Your

documents have been encrypted, and now to get them back, you have to pay is

what this ransom note is telling you. There's a countdown clock there letting

you know you have just limited time here to take action and pay these hackers or

else the price is going to go up and you might not get your data back.

Yeah, and that is not a message you want to see on your screen.

And while they are scary enough in that form, some attacks can be cartoonishly

terrifying. Here is one featuring the Annabelle doll.

Here is one with the puppet from Saw.

Nobody wants to see that.

And here is one with Thomas the Tank Engine screaming, fuck you, and saying

the only way to unlock your computer is to send him at least ten nudes. Which

I'm pretty sure is a reference to the unaired final episode of Thomas and

Friends, where they introduce Thomas to the concept of pornography, and he

became so crazed by it, he had to be forcibly disassembled.

Let's say if you wander these Sodor scrapyards at night, you can hear the

wailing of a thousand scattered pistons still alive and howling for dick pics.

So that is what ransomware looks like. But how much harm can it do? Well,

depending on the target, a lot.

Ransomware has caused chaos in city governments like Baltimore and New

Orleans. And hackers have also hit school districts, police departments,

and even hospital systems.

Last month, a cyber attack targeting the hospital chain Universal Health Services

caused a major computer failure, with some of its hospitals forced to use pen

and paper to file patient information.

So this is a perfect storm hitting the hospitals, and there's actually never

been a better time. If you're a ransomware syndicate and you want a fast

payout, this would be the time to strike.

Hey, Teresa.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Look, I'm no stranger to inadvertently giving unscrupulous people new ways to

prey on the vulnerable. This season alone, we've done stories on predatory

nursing homes, PACE loan scams, and basically told you how to set up a fake

religious health insurance company.

This show could easily be called Getting Rich for Sociopaths with John Oliver.

But I will say, at least I've never looked dead into a camera and told

hackers, it's a great time to take down a hospital.

Until, I guess, just now. What have you gotten me into here, Teresa?

And to be fair to her, hackers don't need much encouragement.

Last year, over 500 healthcare facilities were hit by ransomware

attacks in the U.S. alone.

One of which was in Vermont, where clinicians were forced to turn away

hundreds of cancer patients who needed treatment after they lost access to

medical records.

And the thing is, hackers don't necessarily have to work too hard to do

this. About 85% of hospitals don't have a single qualified cybersecurity person

on staff, which does feel like... It's just asking for trouble.

In fact, lax security is a problem across all industries.

The Colonial pipeline was compromised because an employee had used the same

password across multiple services, and the company did not use multi-factor

authentication. So, when that password was breached in an attack elsewhere,

there was a direct way in. And when pressed on exactly what happened,

Colonial's CEO wasn't particularly reassuring.

In the case of this particular legacy VPN, it did only have single-factor

authentication.

It was a complicated password, so I want to be clear on that. It was not a

Colonial123-type password.

Well, hold on.

Nobody said that it was.

I don't know whose expectations you think you're meeting with that answer.

The only people I'd even suspect of using Colonial123 as a password are the

staff at Colonial Williamsburg.

And that is only because aggressively sucking out cybersecurity would at least

be historically accurate.

And here's the thing, even organizations that are scrupulous about backing up

data so that it can be easily recovered can still be vulnerable because hackers

are now not just encrypting data, they're also threatening to release

files or personal information publicly.

This happened to the D.C. police recently when hackers released the

personal information of 22 officers.

And a few years ago, HBO was hit, too, with hackers demanding around six

million dollars or they'd leak unaired episodes of Game of Thrones, which, to

be honest, is a pretty weak threat. If HBO's gonna be publicly humiliated,

it'll be by releasing the last season of Game of Thrones on its own terms. Thank

you very much.

And if having your data locked or leaked were not already scary enough, it

actually gets worse, because we're increasingly hooking physical objects in

our lives up to the Internet, things like TVs, refrigerators, and ovens. And

they can be vulnerable to ransomware, too. Back in 2016, hackers made the

first ever ransomware for smart thermostats, cranking the temperature to

99 degrees until the owner paid up. And last year, researchers found a

vulnerability in an Internet-enabled chastity cage.

Basically... a high-tech penis prism that could be cock-locked until the

person in junk jail paid up. And interestingly, the researchers who

discovered that felt compelled to go public with it because of the next

product that the company was about to release.

Hi there. We're introducing you to Pear Flower Anal Plug.

Compatible to various teals and leash, you need to select to be Keymaster or

Wearer. Wearer can add friends in the app and invite friends to be Keymaster.

This invited Keymaster has right to give permission to wearer for unlocking.

Wearer cannot unlock without permission from Keymaster.

Yeah. That product could essentially give the Internet control over your

anus, which doesn't seem great.

Arseholes are like opinions.

Letting the Internet be in charge of yours is a really bad idea.

Now, incredibly, at this point, I legally have to tell you that that butt

plug does come with a physical key for emergencies, which I'm not sure is

completely reassuring. Keys do get lost, don't they? Just picture the last time

you searched for your keys around your house, and now, raise the stakes

significantly.

The point here is the costs of ransomware keep getting higher even as,

crucially, the barrier to entry has gotten much lower because the explosion

in ransomware has basically been the result of three major developments.

The first one is the emergence of something called ransomware as a

service. Basically, hackers will develop ransomware programs and then sell

them... to anyone who might want to launch an attack and split the profits.

What this means is basically anyone can launch an attack even if they are not

particularly tech savvy.

In fact, just watch as a cybersecurity expert walks through the features

offered by one ransomware vendor.

They actually provide you with basically a chat room where you can ask questions

to the people who maintain this architecture for you. Frequently asked

questions for criminals. Exactly.

Tom Pace logged on to the site and used it to encrypt a network of his own. So

all of the files that are on this system have now been successfully encrypted.

So this took you just slightly over five minutes, and you didn't write a single

line of code.

Correct. Off the shelf. Off the shelf.

Ready to go. That is alarmingly easy.

Ideally... No one would launch ransomware attacks, but my next

preference would be that launching one should require significantly more work

than simply clicking add ransomware to cart.

If it's beginning to seem like ransomware is just a typical business

but staffed by criminals, you're not entirely wrong.

This can be a very professional enterprise with customer care for both

the criminal who bought the ransomware product and the victim on the receiving

end of it. One expert even said, honestly, I wish my internet service

provider had customer service... the way these guys do, which does seem a little

unfair since ransomware hackers are criminals, and internet service

providers are fucking monsters.

You can't hold them to the same standards.

And for just a sense of the customer service that they offer for victims,

remember that grandmother from earlier? The people that hacked her were more

than happy to help guide her through the process of payment.

In their ransom note, the hackers wanted to be paid in Bitcoin, the largely

untraceable digital currency, and have it put into their anonymous account.

Ina had never heard of Bitcoin, but the hackers, in one of their many touches of

what you might call customer service, provided all sorts of helpful facts and

links and how-to guides about Bitcoin.

It's true. They had to teach Ina how to use Bitcoin.

And that is genuinely way more impressive than carrying out a

ransomware attack. Think about it. If you had to teach your grandma to use

cryptocurrency in order to make $500, are you confident you'd walk out of

there with $500?

Let's say you had infinite time and infinite grandmas. You have to

understand Bitcoin, and then you have to teach a grandma, any grandma, to use it.

Are you seriously getting $500 out of that situation?

Deep down, I think you know the answer to that.

But the Bitcoin part of that story actually brings us to the second major

driver of ransomware attacks, and that is the rise of cryptocurrencies.

They have made it much easier to make money from ransomware and much more

difficult for law enforcement to recover payments, because if ransoms were paid

in wire transfers, companies could find a way to claw that money back. But with

cryptocurrencies, it's nearly impossible to undo.

And while the federal government actually did manage to recover some of

the Bitcoin used in the Colonial Pipeline ransom, there are other

cryptocurrencies designed to be even more anonymous. Take Monero, which in

its ads seems to be aware of just how attractive it is to criminals.

There's no safe place to conduct private transactions.

Well, there wasn't one until now.

Meet Monero.

Monero is a secure, private, untraceable currency.

With Monero, you are your own bank.

Only you control and are responsible for your funds.

Monero is private.

This means businesses can keep their suppliers in secret, as well as citizens

escape government repressions and nosy neighbors or crooks. Oh, come on.

There is a pretty clear subtext to what they're selling there. It's like seeing

a cheerful ad for plastic tubs the size and shape of a human body. This isn't

for anything in particular.

There's all sorts of human body size things that you can put into one of

these sturdy tubs. Also, they're scream proof.

No matter how much sound something makes inside, you'll never hear it. Now, we're

not telling you what to do with our product, though. We're simply leading

you to a very specific conclusion.

Although, interestingly, despite the fact hackers now have the ability to

make their financial transactions in secret, it is not always that hard to

figure out where exactly the money is going.

This shows an alleged member of a Russian cyber gang known as Evil Corp

showing off an expensive Lamborghini in a parking garage.

This is video of Evil Corp members allegedly doing donuts and obstructing

traffic in downtown Moscow.

Videos and photographs released by investigators show the alleged hackers

living large, posing with arms full of cash, and showing off a pet lion cub.

This is 32-year-old Maxim Yakovets with his... and his Lamborghini Huracan, and

his personalized number plate, which in Russian reads thief.

Wow. These guys are douches.

It is bad enough to be sitting in a traffic jam watching some asshole do

doughnuts in the middle of the street without having to wonder if there is a

lion cub throwing up in the car.

Come on, guys.

Leave lions out of this. If you absolutely have to have a weird animal,

get a big snake.

I could give two shits about a big snake's quality of life, and you can

tell any big snake I said that.

But there's actually a reason that those hackers felt so comfortable driving

around with license plates that are basically an admission of guilt, and

that brings us to the final factor increasing... of the latest in

ransomware attacks, and that is countries providing safe havens. Because

multiple governments, and Russia in particular, will look the other way for

hackers so long as they do their work.

outside of their borders.

Cyber security experts say the don't work in .ru structure has become an

unwritten rule in the Russian-speaking hacking community to avoid entanglements

with Russian law enforcement.

Basically, Russian hackers know as long as they don't make trouble at home, they

won't be punished for what they do abroad.

And when you put all of this together, with cyber criminals able to buy

ransomware off the shelf, get paid in a currency that's hard to trace, and work

free from state interference, is it any wonder... we have such a massive problem

on our hands. Which brings us to the key question here, what can we do about all

this? Well, here's a terrible idea.

We ought to pass a law immediately that makes this kind of hacking subject to a

death penalty. And the law should include a provision that the president,

through a judicial process, should be able to order the killing of anybody

overseas who's doing this. Wow.

That is both incredibly harsh and also endearingly naive.

Because I hate to break it to Newt, but America doesn't exactly concern itself

with a judicial process to kill people overseas.

We very much take the Santa Claus approach.

See them when they're sleeping, know when they're awake, make a list of who's

been bad or good, and then kill some bad ones and whichever good ones happen to

be around them. You know, for goodness sake.

So that is one extreme way to handle this. The current administration,

however, has so far taken a different tack. In the wake of the Colonial hack,

this was the message that they were publicly sending.

We recognize that victims of cyber attacks often face a very difficult

situation, and they have to just balance, often, the cost-benefit when

they have no choice with regard to paying a ransom.

Colonial is a private company and will defer, um, information regarding their

decision on paying a ransom to them. Okay, so you'd like them to pay the

ransom, then?

You'd like the gas back, and the easiest way to get the gas back is to pay the

ransom, so you'd like them to pay the ransom. It's a pretty strong hint there.

And you also get the feeling if that hint doesn't work, Joe Biden's just

gonna take their computer and pay for them. If that Russian grandma can figure

out how to use Bitcoin, there is a 30% chance that Joe can too.

But there has to be a middle ground between just kill them and just pay

them, because most punishments, and this is true, fall somewhere between death

sentence and a cash reward.

And the problem is, the more we pay, the more these kind of attacks will be

encouraged and the more well-funded they'll end up being.

So, so much more needs to be done here. And I will say, on the government level,

there are some encouraging signs.

The Justice Department recently formed a task force to curtail the proliferation

of ransomware attacks. It does feel a little late to be forming a task force

like that, but it's definitely better than never.

Also, the infrastructure bill includes a billion dollars for improving the

cybersecurity of local governments. But the thing is...

It's not just up to the government to take cybersecurity a lot more seriously.

Companies and private individuals have to step up too.

And there are some basic things that we should all absolutely be doing here.

First, set up multi-factor authentication.

Seriously, do it right now.

Second, keep your computers up to date, and also, don't click on suspicious

emails. And I know that those meshes sound small.

when we're facing something so terrifying. But in a world where most

people's doors are unlocked and wide open, just locking your door might be

something of a deterrent here.

The fact is, it is in everyone's interest to get this under control,

because right now, it really, really isn't. To the point that it may well be

time for a new ad campaign to drill home just how vulnerable we all are.

Have you ever lost access to your medical records?

What the fuck?

Or had to work out how to make a Bitcoin transfer just so you can see photos of

your grandchildren again?

Or send a fax from the beach?

Like, what, to do some kind of beach business?

Have you ever opened your laptop to see a clown's face demanding $300,000?

You know what? All right. What the fuck is going on? What's happening?

Or had your butt plug unexpectedly taken over by Ukrainian hackers?

Oh, no.

You will.

No. Not that.

Unless, that is, we all start taking the issue of ransomware a lot more

seriously.

So please, use two-factor authentication to secure all your medical records,

emails, and butt plugs.

Hi, tech support?

Especially those butt plugs.

It is happening again.

Because if you think you can ignore this problem and won't ever be the victim of

ransomware, trust us.

You will.

Oh, yeah.

You definitely will.

That's our show. Thanks so much for watching. We'll see you next week. Good

night.