Original subtitles

Hi, there. Welcome to the show. Still coming to you from this blank void,

entertainment's most upsetting bastion of whiteness, not counting the Hollywood

Foreign Press Association.

It's been another busy week. Biden met with G7 leaders, Jeff Bezos announced

he'll be heading to space on the world's first circumcised spacecraft, and an

Internet conspiracy about people becoming magnetic after getting

vaccinated turned up at the Ohio State House.

We were talking about Dr. Tenpenny's testimony about magnetic vaccine

crystals. So this is what I found out. So I have a key and a bobby pin here.

Explain to me why the key sticks to me.

It sticks to my neck, too.

Got those.

Yeah, so if somebody can explain this, that would be great.

Um, sure. I can try to explain what this is.

Very basically... Public education is horribly underfunded and scientific

literacy is nowhere near what it should be in this country, creating a vacuum of

trust in legitimate research.

Meanwhile, people tend to try to seek out the minimum amount of information

that lets them keep believing what they already believe. In your case, that

you're privy to secret knowledge about a government conspiracy to magnetize the

people of Ohio.

All of that is probably why you felt confident enough to trust some bullshit

that you read online so much that you're willing to look like a complete asshole

in front of all those people.

Oh, and if you just meant the key thing, people are sometimes sticky.

We're all kind of moist and gross, and keys stick to us sometimes.

That's it.

Meanwhile, in New York, the news has been dominated by the race for mayor.

Early voting in the primary started yesterday, and for the first time, the

city's using ranked choice voting, something the current mayor chose to

explain by imagining a pizza-topping election.

Green peppers, ladies and gentlemen.

Right here.

My number one choice. Now, a lot of people don't appreciate green peppers

enough. Number two, olives. Okay? This one's a little controversial.

Usually, it's black olives. Could be green olives.

Some people think olives belong in a pizza. Some people are really against

it. But I have had very good experiences with olives.

That is unhinged. Green peppers as your number one choice?

Green peppers aren't even my number one pepper.

They're just unripe red ones. There isn't even a green pepper character in

the VeggieTales universe because they disprove the existence of a loving God.

And your second choice there is olives?

On a pizza? That you plan to eat with your actual mouth?

Unacceptable, Bill!

The race for the Democratic nominee is very much in flux.

Maya Wiley has been shoring up progressive support, while a consistent

frontrunner, former police officer Eric Adams, had to defend himself this week

from a pretty unusual attack.

Democrat Eric Adams, a leading contender in New York City's mayoral race today,

insisting he really does live in New York.

This is...

our small, humble kitchen.

Taking reporters on a tour of his Brooklyn pad after a Politico piece

raised questions about whether other tenants were really living in the

apartment, if Adams is spending his time in a property he owns with his partner

in New Jersey, or if his home is actually his office.

Yeah. Eric Adams had to give reporters a tour of a Brooklyn apartment to prove

that he lived there and not in New Jersey.

which already doesn't look good, partly because he attacked Andrew Yang for

leaving the city during the pandemic, and partly because his argument that he

lives in that basement apartment raises many more questions than it answers.

Twitter detectives flagged inconsistencies like the fact that in

2017, Adams tweeted a photograph of his hashtag plant-based fridge in hashtag

Bed-Stuy, but on this week's tour, that plant-based fridge was nowhere to be

found because this was the fridge in the apartment, which you might notice

prominently features salmon, something Adams claims belongs to his son, who

lives there with him. Although everything about that apartment, from

the decor to the fridge, suggests it's actually his son who lives there, and

Adams... who might occasionally stay with him. And look, is this the most

important thing?

No, not really, but it is weird.

And the way he's choosing to handle it is even weirder. And the thing is, that

is not even the strangest house tour Adams has given, because as a state

senator in 2011, he released this video teaching parents how to search for

contraband that their kids might be hiding. The jury box of this nature may

be a simple jury box, but if you look through it closely, you don't know what

your child may be hiding.

For instance, a gun could be hidden. A small caliber weapon could be hidden

inside a jewelry box. When your child brings in his popular knapsack with many

different locations, look through it to see what exactly is your child carrying

in addition to a book.

Something simple as a crack pipe, a used crack pipe.

Behind a picture frame, you can find bullets.

The baby doll could be just a baby doll, but also it could be a place where you

could secrete.

or hide drugs.

Honestly, that is all great, from the bullets behind the picture frame to the

popular knapsack to the weird music, but I want to focus on the doll there,

because what does Eric Adams think a child is?

In his scenario, your child is young enough to be playing with baby dolls,

yet also old enough to be doing drugs.

What year of life encompasses both those activities?

Six and a half?

Maybe? Look, Eric Adams is clearly a very odd man, but he's not alone in

that. One of his closest rivals is Andrew Yang.

The answer to the question, what if the concept of dabbing was a person? Who, on

National Pets Day, posted... And

look, if you gave away your dog...

You can just not post anything on National Pets Day. Even if you have a

dog, you don't have to post anything. Your dog's not gonna care either way.

Dogs don't know what Twitter is. It's why they're happy.

And other candidates have been fucking up some pretty basic questions.

As the New York Times grilled the candidates, some were stumped when asked

if they could name the median purchase price of a home in Brooklyn.

Ray McGuire, a banking executive, said it's got to be somewhere in the $80,000

to $90,000 range, if not higher. And Sean Donovan, former federal housing

secretary, he said, in Brooklyn, huh? I don't know for sure. I would guess it's

around $100,000.

Well, you guessed wrong.

Because the number is actually $900,000.

Which is a real problem, because if these guys want to run a city with an

affordable housing crisis, they might want to look at the top Zillow search

result for Brooklyn homes on sale for less than $100,000, which is, and this

is true, this empty lot that looks like the setting of a filthy pigeon orgy.

But if some candidates have seemed out of touch, others have seemed a little

too eager to share.

When New York Magazine asked all the candidates about the items they can't

live without, Republican Fernando Mateo offered up... Quilted Northern Ultra

Plush Toilet Paper, explaining, I have big, strong hands, so I need toilet

paper that won't break when I'm wiping my butt.

And that is already great. It's funny, it's candid, and he says, wiping my

butt. It's excellent.

But he didn't stop there, because he continued, this has that toughness, but

it's soft enough for my sensitive areas.

So already, something that started as a puff piece about favorite products has

turned into Matteo forcing you to think about his sensitive anus. And he closes

strong saying, I've used other toilet paper and my hand has ripped right

through it. It's a mess.

I usually wrap the paper around my hand a few times just so it doesn't break.

And come on!

Now we're in an existential tragedy. He's like Lenny Small or Frankenstein's

monster, a physical behemoth enraptured by the lure of soft beauty, but sadly,

these cursed brute hands know only destruction.

It's just magnificent.

If Matteo doesn't get elected mayor, he'd at least make a much better toilet

paper spokesperson than those weird shitting bears.

And look, if you're thinking, there sure are a lot of weirdos running for mayor

of New York, yeah.

Of course there are, because being a weirdo in this city isn't a

disqualifier, it's a prerequisite.

Think about it. Our last three mayors were 9-11 Nosferatu, a billionaire elf,

and the goober that you just saw say out loud, I have had very good experiences

with olives.

Weird is kind of a job requirement here.

And while it would be great if candidates could be good at other stuff

as well, there's no denying that the New York mayor's office isn't just an

opportunity for innovative leadership, it's also a calling to spend at least

four years as the weird person on TV everyone gets mad at for eating pizza

wrong. And now, this.

And now, someone please stop Stuart Varney from saying this.

Come back to this show any time you like, okay, Tommy?

It's my favorite show.

I hope to be back soon.

And flattery is the mother's milk of television.

Flattery is the mother's milk of television. I'll have you know that,

Scott Shelby.

Don't you ever forget it, lad.

And flattery is the mother's milk of television. You know that. Let me tell

you something.

Flattery is the mother's milk of television.

Flattery is the mother's milk of television, that's how I'm told. You

know, flattery is the mother's milk of television.

Flattery is the mother's milk of television.

Flattery is the mother's milk of television.

Flattery. Flattery is the mother's milk of television. The mother's milk of

television. Flattery is the mother's milk of television, and that's very good

stuff. Flattery is the mother's milk of television.

By the way, flattery is the mother's milk of television, and that is actually

wonderful.

Moving on. Our main story tonight concerns the fact that summer's here.

It's been getting hotter and hotter outside, so we thought, why not take a

break and have some summer fun?

We're allowed to have some summer fun, right? So tonight, we're gonna talk

about popsicles.

There are tons of them in America, and when they get too hot, it can be a real

problem.

Sorry, did I say popsicles? I meant prisons.

We're gonna talk about prisons. There are tons of them in America, and when

they get too hot, it can be a real problem.

Don't act surprised. You knew no fun was happening here. You remember what our

summer fun episode was this time last year?

Voting by mail. Don't be mad at me, be mad at yourself.

You chose to be here.

And look, the fact is, heat in prisons is a big problem.

We've talked repeatedly on this show about the injustices of mass

incarceration and how little society seems to care.

And a pretty good example of that is the fact that in some of the hottest areas

of the country, these states, over half the prisons lack air conditioning in

their housing areas. And in Texas, that's the case in nearly 75% of their

prisons. And that is not good.

Because in summer, the heat index inside of them can hit 150 degrees.

Plus, there is a growing population of older prisoners whose age makes them

more susceptible to the heat. And over 40% of incarcerated people have a

chronic medical condition raising the risk of heat stroke. So, a lot of them

worry about what happens when the weather turns hot.

I have heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes.

That's three conditions that even TDC admits could make a person susceptible

to extreme heat conditions.

So my heart has to work a whole lot harder than the average guy just to try

to cool my body down.

And as a result, I suffer from extreme chest pains on days where it's extremely

hot. I get sick real fast.

That is remarkably dangerous.

And I would argue that the only time getting murdered by the heat is

acceptable is if you've committed the crime of being a lobster.

But unless you happen to be a tasty sea weirdo with edible arms and a pile of

scrumptious ass meat that pairs beautifully with melted butter, I'm

gonna say that that is very wrong.

And physical conditions are just one part of this. Prisons also house an

increasing number of people with mental health concerns who require medications

that can compromise their body's ability to regulate temperature.

So, many avoid taking their medications when it's hot, which may explain why

there is an increase in the frequency of suicide watches and self-harm behaviors

during the summer months.

This situation... is so bad, the UN Committee Against Torture has expressed

particular concern about deaths from extreme heat exposure in prison

facilities in Texas.

And while you probably assumed Texas prisons were bad, maybe not

international human rights watch list bad.

And just to get this out of the way right at the start, if anyone is

thinking, well, come on, it's prison, these criminals should not be

comfortable, first, fuck you.

They're human beings who, I would argue, deserve humane treatment regardless of

what they did. But even if you are fully on board with our current system of

punitive justice on a ridiculous scale, you should know even some of those

upholding this system find the current situation indefensible.

Just listen to the former head of one correctional officer's union.

You know, I don't have love for these people.

We're not trying to make this, uh...

and, uh, we're trying to make it humane. These are third world conditions.

We're supposed to run prisons, not concentration camps.

These are institutions for incarceration.

The incarceration is their punishment.

Not cooking them to death.

Right. And just take a moment to absorb the sentence, we're supposed to run

prisons, not concentration camps.

If someone helping to run a system is comparing it to a concentration camp,

things have gotten... way out of hand.

If someone said, we're supposed to run a Quiznos, not a concentration camp, you

would seriously question what the fuck is going on at that Quiznos.

So tonight, let's talk about heat in prisons. Let's start with the obvious

question here.

If prisons are too hot, which many clearly are, why not...

put in air conditioning.

And that does seem like a pretty easy fix, but whenever it's brought up,

lawmakers and prison officials have claimed they simply cannot afford it.

Although, when making that argument, they've occasionally been slightly more

honest than they were perhaps planning to be. Like when this Texas state

senator appeared on local radio.

You know, we can talk about this all night. It's not gonna change.

Uh, the prisons are hot, they're uncomfortable.

and the real solution is don't commit a crime and you stay at home and be cool.

We're not gonna air-condition them, one. We don't want to, number two.

We couldn't afford it if we wanted to.

Well, hold on there. Let's back up to number one, shall we? We don't want to.

Because... After you say that, it doesn't really matter what you say next.

If people don't care about fixing a problem, they're just not going to fix

it, however simple the solution is. It's why your software update still

interrupts you every single day. Sure, you could just click on the alert and

follow the basic steps to make the updates, but have you done that? Of

course not. Why?

Because you could not give one single solitary fuck.

And it seems that Texas in particular...

really doesn't want to put in air conditioning.

It actually spent seven million dollars on a lawsuit to fight installing AC in

one prison's housing area, despite the fact the estimated cost of installation

was only around four million.

And they've also thrown around some suspiciously high estimates.

They once claimed that it would cost $109 million to install AC in a unit for

developmentally disabled prisoners, even though the entire housing unit cost just

$26 million to build. And look, I admit, I don't know much about AC installation.

If you pointed at a random building and said, it cost $10,000 to install AC in

there, I'd say, okay, sure.

And if you pointed at another one and said, it cost $3 million to install it

in there, I'd say, yeah.

makes sense.

But if you pointed at a building and said, it cost four times the price of

that building to install AC in it, I'd say, I think you somehow know less about

air conditioning than I do.

And that too expensive argument gets even harder to take when you consider

that in some prisons, there is climate control, just not for the prisoners.

Because some have AC in staff offices, and then there is this.

Two years ago, prison officials spent more than $700,000 on new climate

-controlled housing facilities.

For prisoners, no. For the prisons, in-house pig farms.

Officials say the cooling systems are, quote, consistent with any swine

operation. Look.

I'm not against pigs getting treated comfortably. I love pigs.

Their springy tails, their too big ears, their stupid flat noses, and their

horrible eyes. Pigs are like big chubby dogs you can eat at Christmas.

I just question prioritizing their comfort over humans.

And the thing is, correction systems do seem to acknowledge that they have a

problem with heat, it's just they often try to treat it with ridiculous half

measures. The Texas prison system even produced this video on what staff should

do when they see someone about to pass out from heat exhaustion.

If conscious and alert, have the person drink water or a rehydrating sports

drink.

Do not give them caffeinated drinks, as these will contribute to further

dehydration.

Sprinkle or spray them with water, and apply cool water or wet cloths to the

person's neck, armpits, and groin.

Fan the person if there is no breeze.

Okay. Flicking water in their face and fanning them with a clipboard is just

not going to cut it. And at that point, it makes basically just as much sense to

recommend lick the person's sweat off their forehead or rub them with a DVD of

Captain Phillips.

Sure, it's technically a gesture, but it's not going to do much. And the

problem is, when prisons use things like large fans and water misters, they only

help to a certain threshold of heat, and beyond it, they can actually make things

worse. Water misters increase humidity, and the CDC has explicitly said that it

does not recommend the use of fans above a 95 degree heat index, as they actually

increase heat stress by blowing air that is warmer than the body's temperature.

And dangerous situations get compounded by the fact that when heat-related

issues occur, prisons can show very little urgency in addressing them. Take

what happened to Larry McCollum. He was serving an 11-month sentence for cashing

a bad check and began showing symptoms of heat stroke. But prison employees

didn't call EMS until over 40 minutes after he was found convulsing.

When McCollum finally arrived at the hospital, his body temperature was 109

degrees, and he died days later.

And when that prison's warden was questioned about the delay in medical

treatment, this was his ridiculous response.

If you were at home, and your wife was having a heart attack, and you called

911, and it took a half hour for them to arrive, would you have a problem with

that?

That's speculating. I don't know. I wouldn't know if she had a heart attack

or not.

Okay. I would have a problem with that.

Just letting you know, okay?

If my wife was having a heart attack and I called 911 and it took a half hour for

an ambulance to arrive,

you don't feel comfortable saying that you two would have an issue with that?

I would not. I would have to figure out whether it's a heart attack or not.

Okay. It'd be just about chilly.

What the fuck?

First... No one would ever confuse someone having violent convulsions with

having bad chili.

Second, bad chili has a name, and it's called Hormel. Show some respect to that

can of bean nightmares.

And finally, guessing your wife's heart attack might be just bad chili is a

terrible answer, not only because that's not how heart attacks work, it's also

not how hypotheticals work.

In this scenario, your wife...

is having a heart attack, you can't just ignore the premise.

If someone asks, if you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who

would you choose?

You're not allowed to say, no thanks, I already ate. That's not the point of the

question. And amazingly, as bad as that response was, it wasn't even the worst

moment in his deposition.

Because months later, he was asked about how the population of his prison might

be more susceptible to heat-related illnesses.

And just watch this infuriating exchange.

Do you suspect that some of the people that come into your facility are gonna

have hypertension?

I do not know. Do you suspect some of the people that come into your facility

are going to be, I don't know, older than 60?

I do not know.

Do you suspect that some of the people who come into your facility are going to

be older than 40?

I do not know. Do you suspect that some of the people that are gonna come into

your facility are gonna be on psychotropic medications?

I do not know.

Wouldn't any competent supervisor

Uh, shouldn't he or she know the answers to those questions?

I do not know.

Okay, we get it. You don't know a lot of things.

I almost wish that line of questioning had continued.

Do you suspect that some of the people who come into your facilities are fine

mutants powered by heat? I do not know. Do you have a tattoo of Peppa Pig on

your lower back? I do not know.

If you were sure no one would ever find out, would you have consensual sex with

a dolphin?

I do not know. Would you hit Bruce Willis with your car if given the

opportunity? I do not know.

Why do you think responding with, I do not know, to every question asked of a

person makes them sound like a total dipshit?

I do not know.

So look, when you put all of this together... Prisoners in this country

are desperately uncomfortable and sometimes dying due to the heat. And no

one seems to give enough of a shit to do anything about it. And while a lot of

the facilities that I've shown you tonight have been in Texas, that is not

because it's the only culprit.

It's just one of the only states where this story has been extensively reported

on camera. But you can find accounts of similar problems in places like

Louisiana, and in Alabama, and in Florida, and in Michigan, and in

Virginia. This is a deadly situation, and it's only going to get worse,

especially as summers are getting hotter and hotter.

And while this is clearly just one small part of a much larger discussion about

whether and how prisons should exist in this country, until such time as we have

that discussion, there's actually an easy solution to this one problem, and

that is, prisons need air conditioning, so put air conditioning in.

That's it.

I know this show has trained you to anticipate nuance, but this one is

really pretty straightforward.

We shouldn't be cooking prisoners to death.

The end.

That's just not something we should be allowing under any circumstances because

locking human beings in rooms with a heat index of 150 degrees begs the

question, how on earth could anyone anywhere think that it's okay to do

that? And to borrow the go-to answer of an extremely weird, extremely cruel man,

I do not know.

And now... this and now bernie anastas left fox 5 one year ago this week

and we miss his man on the street segments more than ever

so here's my question what's your favorite way to watch tv and my bad

in your bed it's relaxing probably in a recliner in a recliner yeah you have one

yeah

Where's the worst place you've ever been stuck? X-ray machine.

In an x-ray machine.

Oh.

What consistency do you like your milkshake to be? Thick.

Thick.

Do you have a lot of baby pictures of yourself?

How do you handle people who annoy you? What do you like to do on Labor Day? Can

you spell Caribbean? Do you know who your neighbors are? I'm friendly with my

neighbors. Good for you. Tell me about that.

Is there a nickname that you wish you had? Swifty.

Swifty, if you're watching a show about food, does it make you hungry?

Yes.

What do you think tastes good, delicious, but it's really difficult or

messy to eat? Pasta. Pasta. I'm sloppy with spaghetti and meatballs.

That's a popular one, isn't it? I know it is, but I can get sloppy all over my

shirt. The tomato sauce and everything, right? But it tastes good, doesn't it?

Best. Oh, it's great, great, great.

The other thing I would say is the soup.

Soup. That could be sloppy.

Moving on. Before we go, I wanted to take a moment to discuss commercials.

You know, the thing you subscribe to HBO to avoid seeing.

Specifically, I'd like to talk about ads for local car dealerships, because they

can be absolute works of art like this one.

Hey, y'all, it's Bryce Doug Nasty Mitchell here. I'm at Drive On Time

Motors, 900 East Line Road, Searcy, Arkansas, White County.

They paid me to be here.

These ain't my cars, and I don't really care about them.

When I ripped my testicles open with the drill, I had to drive myself to the

hospital in my pickup truck.

I really wish I would have had this Corvette.

I would have made it on time.

Wow.

That commercial raises a thousand questions and answers exactly none of

them. How did Thug Nasty rip his testicles open with a drill? Why did he

have a drill near his testicles in the first place? And most importantly, what

does he mean he didn't make it to the hospital on time?

But you know what? I don't want or need any more context. The beauty is in the

mystery there. The mystery of Bryce's self-drilled scrotum.

The point here is, there is a real charm in the eccentricity of car dealership

ads because they can be a total law unto themselves.

But recently, we discovered something surprising, and it all started with this

commercial. I'm in a pickle!

My doctor told me to calm down before my heart explodes!

The only way for me to calm down is to help you get a nicer, newer car.

Okay. I don't mind that. A guy dressed as a pickle next to an Uncle Sam who

looks like Mark Cuban seeming to threaten that if you don't buy a car

from him, he's going to die. I actually like that. That's some fun, local

weirdness from Winston-Salem, North Carolina that you're just not gonna get

anywhere else, right?

Well, it turns out, wrong.

Because watch this.

Hey, you know me, Scott Elder here from Elder Mitsubishi.

I'm in a pickle. My doctor told me to turn it down a notch before my heart

explodes!

Scott Lehman here from Premier Auto Center, and I'm in a pickle.

My doctor told me to calm down before my heart explodes.

Hey, Fred Grody here from Grody Automotive. Doctor told me I need to

turn it down a notch so my heart doesn't explode.

Steve Johnson here from Zombrota Ford.

My doctor told me to turn it down a notch so my heart doesn't explode.

Help! I'm in a pickle!

But Dad, your doctor told you to calm down before your heart explodes.

Wow, that's striking.

Usually when you see that many screaming white guys in pickle costumes, they're

yelling Rick and Morty quotes at any woman in their immediate vicinity and

completely ruining Comic-Con.

And if you're wondering what is going on there, as best we can tell, all those

dealerships have worked with a marketing firm called Gravitational Marketing,

based obviously in Florida, which seems to churn out scripts for a bunch of

local car dealers, explaining why you can find so many ads in different places

that are basically exactly the same. We found multiple Hulk Hogan's in eerily

similar wrestling themed ads, and multiple bunnies in identical Easter

commercials, and then we found whatever the fuck this is.

It's John here from Blue Ridge, and I'm in the doghouse. I need cars!

Hey, it's Mike Gazar, and I'm in the doghouse. I need cars!

Hey, it's Jack Frost, and I'm in the doghouse.

I need cars!

We're in the doghouse, and we need cars!

What is that?

I mean, what is the concept there?

Do these car dealers really think that scripts that bad are worth outsourcing?

We're in the doghouse and we need cars?

Don Draper would put his cigarette out on your forehead if you pitched a line

like that.

But I will say, once you start going down this rabbit hole, it is kind of

fascinating to see the different performance choices that dealers make

with the same ad.

Take this one, themed for autumn.

Guten tag, Coastal Ben.

I'm running out of years. Too long!

I've got to liven up my sales, so I'm giving you thousands off a nicer, newer

car with my lifetime warranty during my Cartoberfest.

Past credit myth that's making you feel like a wiener?

My For the People Everybody Drives credit approval process helps get you

approved. Okay, so you get the concept, Cartoberfest, and Tommy Gardner is

giving you a decent line reading there, sort of a Meryl Streep in The Devil

Wears Prada energy, and less is more kind of thing. Tommy knows that the

costumes, music, and cinematography are working well, so he's centering the ad

with an understated yet confident performance.

But witness that same concept cranked up around 25 notches.

Guten tag, East Tennessee!

My sales are slumping, so let's get bumping in my Cartoberfest!

Look,

there is a lot I could say about that. I could say in the words of that man's

obvious idol, Jim Carrey, somebody stop him. Or I could point out that the

accent he's doing there would be problematic if it was still possible to

be racist toward Germans.

That man is Jason Farris of Farris Motor Company. When you look at what he has

done... with these pro forma scripts, you see that he routinely makes some

capital C choices, but perhaps not as bold as when he got a stock Independence

Day script and did this.

Today, I'm pledging allegiance to the red, white, and you in a nicer, newer

car. Be a patriot today and declare independence from your old ride for just

$7 down.

But hurry, like ISIS, this deal won't be around long.

No, Jason, that is a no from me.

We watched a number of those Independence Day commercials, and guess

which line wasn't in any of the other scripts?

Yep, it's the one you're thinking of.

But the problem here is that even when they are not casually Islamophobic, it

ruins the magic of these bizarre local ads to learn that many are just scripts

that someone bought.

The joy of local car commercials is when they pop up in the middle of Wheel of

Fortune and you think, wow, this is completely deranged, but at least our

local car dealer is trying to be creative.

At least we as a local market are special, right?

But that might not be the case, and we need to make sure that it is. We need a

return to the one-of-a-kind auto dealer ad that no one else has.

Remember how thrilling it was to see Bryce Thug Nasty Mitchell talk about his

shattered scrotum? I do. I love that ad. But I definitely don't want to see 15

copies of it. I want Bryce to be a unicorn.

Local ads should be unique and completely unhinged. And here is where

we might be able to help, because we've written a script, and it's good. It's

really good.

And we're offering it to one and only one car dealership to use in a

commercial for free, so long as they agree to some simple terms. The main one

being, you have to agree to produce this exactly as it is written, and...

You can't read it before you agree.

We promise there is no cursing, blasphemy, or nudity in here. It will

pass broadcast standards in your area, and it can be produced as cheaply as

anything you've seen tonight.

Now, will this script show your dealership in a good light?

That's for you to find out after you sign this contract and agree to produce

and air the ad sight unseen.

So... Who's interested?

What do you say? Scott Elder of Cedar Park? Fred Grody of Fort Wayne?

Scott Lehman of Arizona?

If you guys, or indeed any local car dealership out there, want to take us up

on this one-time offer, you can reach us at FreeCarCommercial at

JohnOliverWantsYourRatErotica.com Come on, dealers.

You know you want to roll the dice here. Let us get you into a nicer, newer

commercial today.

That's our show. Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you next week. Good

night.

Guten Tag!