Original subtitles

Welcome to the show. Still taking place in this blank void, now sadly

approaching its first birthday.

And, like most one-year-olds, it doesn't really do much other than terrify you

when it's quiet and vaguely smell like old milk.

Look, it's been a wild week, from Andrew Cuomo scandals continuing to grow, to

eight moderate Democrats killing a $15 minimum wage, with Kyrsten Sinema doing

it in a particularly dickish way.

Oh, thumbs down.

Fun. to the fact that the Milwaukee Bucks recently started welcoming limited

numbers of fans back into their arena and did it like this.

The hand sanitizer cam.

Let's get those hands clean. Here we go. Oh, it's all over you. You may need to

wash your hair around a little bit. Got some hand sanitizer in it. Oh, great.

Right on the hoodie. Great job, Van Gogh. He's like, give me all the hand

sanitizer. Keep me clean, Pfizer Forum.

Oh, I don't know if we want to recommend that. Let's not do that.

Yeah, let's not do... I don't want any of that because getting bukkakeed by a

cartoon squirt bottle has to be the most awkward way to wind up on a Jumbotron

right after being featured on the kiss cam with your sibling and being proposed

to on a first date. No, Eric.

For various reasons, no. And why is everyone booing me? We just met.

And it's not just arenas opening up. Both Texas and Mississippi this week

announced plans to pretty much do away with government COVID restrictions.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott says falling hospitalizations and increased

vaccinations mean state mandates are no longer needed, and that it's up to

individuals and businesses to behave responsibly.

All businesses of any type are allowed to open 100%.

Also, I am ending the statewide mask mandate.

Well, that's fucking stupid.

Lifting all restrictions is ridiculous when we're still in the middle of a

pandemic, as evidenced by the fact that instead of forcing people to kiss, we're

squirting them with cartoon ejaculate.

And the thing is, leaving it up to individuals to behave responsibly is

likely to cause immediate problems, because while businesses can still

require people to wear masks, the lack of a government mandate could make

things difficult for them, as this bar owner will tell you.

You know, we're very used to making people do what they don't want to do.

You have to have an ID.

You can't drive drunk. This particular issue, without a mandate from the

government, makes it seem to people as an optional thing and something they

want to argue about. The state itself could give us the cover to say, look,

it's not me, it's them. Yeah.

That makes sense.

Although, I will say, CBS didn't really have to tell us that he was the owner of

a bar called The Cottonmouth Club. Given that hat, there were really only three

options there. Bar owner, scar band hype man, and space mechanic.

That's it.

And while I do take his larger point that it is shitty to make bar and

restaurant employees responsible for enforcing public safety, I'm guessing

that he personally has the confidence to do that, given that he chose to go on

CBS This Morning in the full Pharrell.

Meanwhile, this week, the federal government has been busy, because in

addition to the Senate finally passing the COVID relief bill, the FBI director

gave some significant testimony.

In his first appearance before Congress since the January 6th insurrection, FBI

Director Christopher Wray was specific and blunt about who was responsible.

Quite a number who we would call sort of militia violent extremists, the Proud

Boys or the Oath Keepers. We've already identified individuals who advocate for

what you would call sort of white supremacy.

And what are the conspiracies claiming it was really left-wing radicals posing

as Trump supporters who attacked the Capitol? Do you have any evidence that

the Capitol attack was organized by, quote, fake Trump protesters?

We have not seen evidence of that. Yeah, of course you haven't, because it's not

fucking true.

And despite everything, it's still amazing that he has to debunk a

conspiracy theory that's so clearly false.

It'd be like having to swear under oath that three lemurs in a trench coat

didn't commit the Oklahoma City bombing.

Of course they didn't, and anyone who suggested that they did clearly has some

significantly bigger problems.

Now, that testimony was pretty newsworthy, but while some networks took

the hearings live, Fox, unsurprisingly, barely covered it. In fact, across

conservative media, you would hardly know the hearing had happened because

they were too busy with this.

Dr. Seuss getting canceled. The children's book publisher says it will

stop releasing six of his books. The cancel culture going after Dr.

Seuss tonight.

Dr. Seuss books are now too insensitive and even racist.

for this mob.

They are banning Dr.

Seuss books.

How much more do you need to see before all of America wakes

up and goes, this is fascism?

Oh, I don't know. A lot more.

Because the books weren't banned, Dr. Seuss Enterprises decided to stop

printing six of them, and a company deciding which of its own books it will

or won't print is an example of free enterprise, not fascism. It'd make as

much sense to argue they're banning unicycles. How much more do you need to

see before America wakes up and says this is transcendentalism? Well, the

first thing isn't even true, and I got no idea how you got from there to the

second part.

And given how strongly all those commentators were defending those books,

it is worth knowing what exactly they are defending.

Because the images in question include this old-timey caricature of, quote, a

Chinese man who eats with sticks, actually toned down from the original

version, where it was literally yellow and called this.

And there's also drawings that resemble monkeys representing people from Africa.

And are these...

really things that we want to fight for kids to see. To be honest, I'm squeamish

about showing them to you right now, and just three minutes ago, I was more than

happy to subject you to a basketball arena jizz storm. The point is, these

images are rough, which is probably why, for the most part, Fox didn't actually

show them.

instead often focusing on books that aren't even being questioned.

Tucker Carlson focused a whole segment on The Sneetches, which isn't being

pulled, so he could play his favorite game, Liberals Are the Real Racists. For

60 years, American children have read The Sneetches and books like it. And

that's one of the reasons we have the country we have today. The story is a

plea for colorblindness, and that's why the forces of wokeness hate it and Dr.

Seuss.

When the people in charge cancel Dr.

Seuss, what they're really trying to eliminate is a very specific kind of mid

-century American culture, a culture that championed meritocracy and

colorblindness. Okay, first, shut the fuck up, Tucker, you fear-mongering

lacrosse injury.

And second, it's a little weird to claim that mid-century American culture

championed colorblindness when signs from the time explicitly demanded the

opposite. In fact, to the extent that anyone is trying to eliminate some parts

of American culture, it's the parts that perpetuate racism, xenophobia, and

bigotry. But it's not hard to see why Tucker would be so anxious to talk about

Dr. Seuss this week, because if he talked about Christopher Wray's

testimony about white supremacists participating in the attack on the

Capitol, it would have contradicted what he's been telling his viewers for weeks

now, like, there's no evidence that white supremacists were responsible for

what happened on January 6th. That's a lie.

So instead, Tucker and conservative media fell back on their classic

playbook of distracting from important issues with bullshit culture wars. It's

incredibly lazy and it's depressingly effective.

And the thing is, no matter how many times I see them do this, it never fails

to leave me feeling completely disgusted and like there is just no way for me to

get clean.

Oh, no. No, please, no. No, not like this. No, I don't want this!

how is this fun for anyone please stop it i somehow i feel dirtier now

and now this stop it and now neil cavuto really loves

adele Do you find it a tad bit curious that on Monday, when the Dow was up 143

points, it was the first day of trading after the singer Adele had swept the

Grammys? Scientists in Brazil have found that listening to her music could reduce

stress and help to keep people's hearts healthy. I've been telling you this for

years. I am waiting on Adele to call me, update me, and this is just...

Michael, are you an Adele fan? The question, first off. So let me ask you

about this. Adele. We didn't even get to talk about Adele this whole time.

Do we know, are there any Adele updates?

I will point out, Christina, that Adele never had issues.

Sorry, Taylor.

You have not topped Adele. Is it me, Emily? I can't picture Adele doing this.

These kind of crises never happen with Adele. It makes a lot of people

uncomfortable that I have this fixation because she's going to have to be my

daughter. I think that's the market's way of saying, hello, hello, hello,

hello. Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Moving on. Our main story tonight concerns unemployment.

The thing that would absolutely happen to me if AT&T executives ever find out

what I've been saying about them. But on the other hand, what are they gonna do?

Look it up online?

How? With their internet plan? And then what? Call someone?

Using AT&T? I think I'm fine.

Unemployment can be a traumatic event for anyone, even puppets.

Why isn't mommy at work today?

Yesterday.

I lost my job, and I'm not going to be working, at least for a little while.

Is it because Elmo has too many toys?

Oh, no, no, baby.

None of this is your fault. It's nobody's fault.

Well, well, hold on there.

Are we absolutely sure that it's not Elmo's fault? I don't know how much that

plane costs, but I do know that maintaining a crayon-colored liminal

apartment where you live part-time with Dorothy and pet fish might be a problem

for your now one-income family. So, it's not not your fault, Elmo.

But also, quick shout-out to Elmo's mom there. She's going through some shit,

but she still managed to get her hair up in two-strand twists before she went to

bed the night before. She's taking care of herself and protecting those edges.

Drop the routine, May.

Post a selfie on the gram. What are your holy grail products? Patent Beauty?

Shea Moisture? Well, you're still rocking at old school with a bottle of

pink oil and a jar of jam.

I see you, Elmo's mom.

But even for the non-puppet population, unemployment is an especially pertinent

topic right now. It's been almost exactly a year since the pandemic hit

and tens of millions of people lost their jobs, many of whom falls for

unemployment insurance or unemployment.

Our current system was created in the 1930s, and the basic idea was, like most

insurance, to gather funds, particularly in the good times, so that there'd be

money available to disperse in bad times. And to pay for all of this,

states would tax employers.

The concept was enthusiastically promoted at the time with educational

films like this.

To show how job insurance works, let's introduce Steve.

A Louisiana worker who has just lost his job. Now each week, the letter carrier

brings Steve a check for half the normal weekly wage he used to earn. The maximum

is $15, the minimum is $5, or three-fourths of his earnings.

Job insurance.

This is the way the state of Louisiana is doing its part in the nationwide

crusade against unemployment, fear, and insecurity.

Yes, attaboy, Steve!

That newsreel, of course, from the makers of such classics as Amelia

Earhart, The Woman Who Will Never Die, and How to Fight the Nazis, even though,

given this era's prevalent antisemitism, you most likely agree with a lot of what

they're saying.

But unemployment wasn't just created to save our nation's Steves from fear and

insecurity. Economists generally agree that unemployment insurance is actually

one of the most effective policies for recovering from a recession.

Which does make sense, because when you give the unemployed money, they tend not

to hoard it offshore in the Caymans, they spend it on shit they need.

In fact, analysis from past recessions shows that every dollar spent on

unemployment benefits boosted economy-wide spending by as much as...

of $2. So, it's a vital social safety net and has massive macroeconomic

benefits. But despite that, over the years, our system has badly broken down.

Something that became painfully clear this time last year when it was

overwhelmed by new claims. We featured stories on this show of people having to

call 50 times a day just to make an unemployment claim. But that was the tip

of the iceberg.

Kentucky residents poured into the Capitol for their first chance to get an

in-person meeting at a pop-up unemployment office since the pandemic

began. Breonna Glass applied three months ago and is still having trouble

getting payments.

She stood in line yesterday, just days after giving birth.

I mean, I've called, I've emailed, I've did everything I possibly could and

still nothing.

Holy shit.

Waiting in line for unemployment just after giving birth is already appalling,

but the very phrase, pop-up unemployment office, is truly alarming. Much like

emergency crematorium or elephant forceps, it suggests things have gone

terribly wrong and are about to get significantly worse.

Now, some of last year's chaos was because state's antiquated systems were

simply overwhelmed.

But it is a mistake to think of this merely as a technological problem.

Because the system underneath that shitty technology has been broken for

years now, and sometimes deliberately.

A quick way to measure the health of a state system is through its... That is

basically the percentage of unemployed people that actually receive benefits.

Now, it will never be 100% in this country because, rightly or wrongly, not

everyone out of work is eligible.

Generally... only those who are laid off are, and that is just over half of the

unemployed. The rest, like those fresh out of school, or who quit voluntarily,

or who were fired, are generally not covered. That is why experts say that

under our current system, a good rule of thumb is that a state's recipient rate

should be around 50%. The problem is, nationally, even before this pandemic,

we were at just 28%, and in some states, like North Carolina and Florida, it was

around 10%. Just think about what that means.

Out of every ten unemployed people in those states, only one is actually

receiving benefits.

If you boarded an airplane and learned that only one in ten seats had an oxygen

mask, you would wonder, who designed this system? Why did they make it this

way? And how do I get the fuck out of here right now?

So given that, tonight, let's look at our current unemployment system. And the

first thing to know is, it is not one system.

From the very start, states were given huge latitude in running their

unemployment programs, meaning that we essentially have 53 completely different

systems. One for each state, plus D.C., Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. And

not only is that very inefficient, it means the level of benefits vary wildly.

Massachusetts pays the most, up to $1,234 a week.

Florida's maximum, $275 a week. That is a hell of a difference.

And it's something that people might want to factor in if they're considering

moving somewhere.

Well, the climate seems nicer and the schools do seem decent, but before I go,

let me just Google, if I lose my job, will this state let me starve?

And it's not just where you live that determines your benefits. It also

matters what you do.

Because many part-time workers, plus independent contractors and gig workers,

typically don't qualify for unemployment, which is absurd, given

that those jobs make up a significant portion of our modern workforce.

And incidentally, black workers are overrepresented in those type of jobs,

just as they're overrepresented in the states with the least generous benefits,

which might explain why black workers are more likely to be unemployed, but

less likely to get unemployment benefits.

And inequity was baked into the system from the very beginning.

In the 1930s, agricultural and domestic workers were initially purposely

excluded, meaning that 65% of black workers weren't covered by the program.

It seems in the US, you can basically point to anything, ask, how is that

racist, and get a specific historical answer.

Freeways? Demolished black communities.

Mickey Mouse?

Based on minstrel shows.

This toddler? Well, his name is Kendall, so it's only a matter of time.

The point is, for myriad reasons, you may not be able to get unemployment, and

even if you do get it, in many states, it might not be enough to live on. That

is something the federal government seemed to basically acknowledge was a

problem last year when it suddenly, temporarily expanded unemployment to

cover more workers and boosted benefits by $600 across the board. So, how did

our system get this shitty?

And whose fault is it? Is it Elmo's? The answer...

is not definitely no yet.

But the truth is, a lot of the system's shortcomings were the result of

deliberate choices.

For one, remember... Businesses fund unemployment insurance through taxes

that go into state trust funds. And after the last financial crisis drained

those funds, states needed to restore them. But rather than do the sensible

thing, raise taxes to get more money coming in, many opted instead just to

cut benefits and make them harder to get. And as they did this, some in the

national media cheered them on, like sentient plantation wedding Laura

Ingraham. It's simple human nature that people are a little less motivated as

long as there's a check coming in. You know what my mom used to say? God rest

her soul.

When you're hungry, you'll figure out a way to eat.

Right? Hunger brings drive.

Hunger for opportunity, hunger for paycheck, hunger for actual food, hunger

for a lifestyle, a way of life.

Boy, you find it when there's no helping hand.

Wow. When you're hungry, you'll figure out a way to eat. Well, sometimes,

Laura. The problem is, sometimes not, and then it's a tragedy.

There's a reason that famines aren't generally referred to as a lack of can

-do attitude.

And that kind of rhetoric... has become pretty popular. Your most racist uncle

has undoubtedly said something similar, probably to a waitress at Red Lobster

completely ruining Mother's Day. And that speaks to the kind of attitudes

toward the unemployed ranging from simmering contempt to a callous

disregard that lie beneath many states' aggressive policy changes over the past

decade. Starting in 2012, Tennessee passed laws making the process to apply

far more difficult. One justification being that somehow, loads of people

ineligible for benefits... were still getting them, which is complete

nonsense, but something that the lieutenant governor back then, Ron

Ramsey, certainly believed.

If you were fired from your job for just cause, maybe even for stealing from your

employer or chronic absenteeism, you shouldn't be able to draw unemployment.

You don't get unemployment insurance if you're fired for cause now.

The law says they're not supposed to, but, buddy, let me assure you, nine

times out of ten, they get their workers called, or their unemployment. I can

assure you that's the case. Nine times out of ten. I don't know about that.

Okay, that was... There was a Ron Ramsey blanket statement there. But there are

plenty of examples that they get. Oh, yeah, don't worry. That's just a classic

Ron Ramsey blanket statement.

And you know you're in good hands when a government official lies enough to

warrant a fucking trademark.

Now, Ramsey also argued for drug testing the unemployed, saying, I don't think we

need to be supporting that lifestyle with government money.

Which is not just an obvious attempt to stigmatize. It also ignores that drugs

are actually helpful in some jobs. Like, for instance, this one.

How do you think I talk this fast about things this depressing?

What do you even think this white void is made out of? I'm surrounded by

weapons-grade cocaine.

And it wasn't just Tennessee.

Lots of states put in new onerous requirements to make sure that people

getting benefits deserved them. For instance, Nebraska started requiring

five work search activities per week, which could include attending a resume

writing class or taking a civil service exam, but at least two of which had to

be applications for suitable work. But if there aren't two suitable work

opportunities for you to apply for that week, you're shit out of luck.

And the problem is, each additional requirement like that increases the

chances that someone's gonna make a mistake, or fail to check a box, and get

denied benefits that they need.

And as they were doing this, states were also aggressively targeting fraud, which

isn't in itself a bad idea. States do lose money to fraud. Before the pandemic

hit, it wasn't honestly a lot, an average of 3%. But that actually surged

last year when organized criminals targeted unemployment programs. And

California alone said it lost $11 billion.

But the thing is...

You have to be very precise in how you go after fraud, because if a claim is

wrongly flagged, it can be significantly delayed, and innocent people then get

hurt. That is something that Kentucky's governor recently found when he shared

what he clearly thought was a pretty flagrant example.

We had somebody apply for unemployment for Tupac Shakur here in Kentucky.

And that person probably thought they were being funny.

They probably did.

Except for the fact that because of them...

We've got to go through so many other claims.

Okay. He made a very confident public example of that because he knew no one

could be called Tupac Shakur, right? That is just not a name that people

have. Except, of course, famously for this guy, but we all know he's living in

the Falkland Islands right now. No one else could have that name. It's

absolutely impossible.

I think you know what's coming next.

Now, somebody, an apology tonight.

Um... Last night I spent a little bit of time talking about fraudulent claims

holding us up. I mentioned an individual that had filed in the name of Tupac

Shakur.

I didn't know, and it's my fault, that we have a Kentuckian who goes by Malik,

whose name is Tupac Shakur.

I talked to him on the phone today.

I apologize.

Yeah. Yeah, I bet you did.

And I will say, that is just further proof that nothing good can ever come

from a middle-aged white man knowing anything about rap. Period.

We just can't handle it. That's how you get Macklemore. And if you're thinking,

hey, what's so bad about Macklemore? You are very much part of the problem here.

And some mistakes happened on a much bigger scale.

Michigan rolled out a new system in 2013 which flagged tens of thousands of cases

for fraud. Unfortunately, a review four years later found it had a 70% error

rate. meaning they falsely accused more than 40,000 people of fraudulently

claiming benefits and had been wrongfully recouping massive amounts of

money from many of them. And the problem with the word recoup there is it sounds

kind of bloodless until you realize that those people were required to repay

their benefits at a 400% penalty, which is just brutal.

It's like a hospital mistakenly thinking that a patient wrote a bad check and

deciding to recoup their fucking hip replacement.

Hey! I didn't do anything wrong, and I really needed that.

And if you want to see how all of this, poor technology, deep benefit cuts, and

absurd eligibility requirements can come together to break a vital social

program, look no further than Florida, America's Vestigial Tale.

Florida's previous governor and Slender Man understudy, Rick Scott, took a

hatchet to the state's program while in power. When he was sworn in, employers

that year paid an average of $319 per employee in unemployment taxes.

By the time he left office, they were paying just $50 per employee, the lowest

in the country and less than one-fifth the national average.

And to balance those cuts out, as Scott proudly told a conference of young

Republicans in 2019, he found ways to keep a lot of Floridians off

unemployment. About 22 million people live in, uh, in Florida.

How many people today... Just throw out a guess. How many people, when I left

office, were on unemployment benefits?

Ten. Ten million's one.

Anybody else?

61,000.

Hi.

Wow. That is some nervous applause.

Even in that room, you can feel people thinking, wait, 61,000? Out of 22

million? Oh, that feels way too low. Is what he did terrible?

Are we all terrible? Oh, never mind. We're clapping now. Okay, I do feel

better when we clap.

Now, to achieve those numbers, Scott employed... all the tactics you've seen.

Florida started requiring that people document contacts with five employers

per week, reduced total benefits by slashing the number of weeks you could

receive them, and threw in some extra obstacles like requiring applicants to

complete a 45-question skills assessment, testing their reading, math,

and research skills, a policy so clearly meant to impede access.

The Department of Labor's Civil Rights Division determined it violated federal

non-discrimination law.

The state also forced everyone to file online and rolled out an expensive new

claim system, which was immediately plagued with glitches. And despite all

Rick Scott's reassurances at the time that they would be fixed, they pretty

clearly weren't, because the system crashed so badly last year, they had to

suddenly shift to paper applications, which, in the middle of a pandemic,

brought a whole different set of problems.

It was near Bedlam at the John F. Kennedy Library in Hialeah. A crowd in

uncomfortably close quarters shoved its way forward with people desperate to get

their hands on one of these, an application for unemployment benefits.

I am so scared.

What's going on? I'm scared for my life just for an application.

Yeah, I'm scared for your life too just watching that.

And it's a testament to both this pandemic and Florida's ridiculous system

that I feel the same white-knuckle terror watching people line up for

unemployment applications as I do when watching a daredevil jump a motorcycle

over a row of buses.

Although, to be honest, it's probably only a matter of time before Florida

makes bus jumping a requirement for applying for unemployment there, too.

And while you could argue that this was just incompetence, you could also argue

it was completely deliberate.

Many Floridians actually suggested that last year.

one of whom was Rick Scott's successor.

I think the goal was, for whoever designed it, was let's put as many kind

of pointless roadblocks along the way so people just say, how the hell with it?

I'm not going to do that. But I think definitely, in terms of how it was

internally constructed, you know, it was definitely done in a way to lead to the

least number of claims being paid out. Wow.

I gotta say, it's kind of weird to hear this asshole accurately critique this

asshole. It'd be like hearing Twitter really needs to take care of its Nazi

problem from Mark Zuckerberg. Sure, in isolation, you're making a good point.

You just happen to be a fundamentally flawed messenger.

Because before you give DeSantis too much credit there, it is worth knowing

that a state investigation found that auditors had flagged problems with

Florida's system in 2015, 2016, and 2019, and neither the Scott nor DeSantis

administrations fixed the problems.

And Florida's deep and deliberate neglect of its unemployment system

caused people there real pain.

If the unemployment claim finally went through...

we would be able to pay our bills no problem.

But we tried to file for unemployment online, and it was an absolute

nightmare. I constantly have a nauseous feeling in my stomach.

I try to distract myself from it, but especially at night.

I'm sorry, I can't even put it into words.

I'm just... I don't want Emmett to see me upset.

I've been fighting really hard to hold it together.

That's terrible.

And the infuriating thing is how completely preventable it is. We could

help her. It'd be better for her, it'd actually be better for the broader

economy, and yet we are actively choosing not to do it, which is a

fucking disgrace.

So how can we fix this shit going forward? Well, first, there can no

longer be any argument that our current system is broken. Again, the

government's actions last year... raising payments, and scrambling to make

sure that the system covered more workers is a pretty public admission

that it was fucked.

So now, we have to fix it. In the very short term, states need funding to

upgrade their broken technology.

They also need to remove a lot of the stupid obstacles that prevent applicants

who need help from getting it. But in the long term, we need some big changes

here. Many experts agree if the U.S. got a do-over, it'd be much better to go

with one federal system... than 53 separate ones. So, we should probably do

that. Among other things, that would stop states from being able to slash

their programs in the name of being pro-business and engaging in a race to

the bottom on taxes. But if we are not going to federalize, and at the moment,

it seems like we're not, Congress should, at the very least, be setting a

basic standard... for unemployment benefits that states cannot drop below.

All of which is really just a long way of saying that we need to take all of

the energy that we have been pouring in to making sure that people who don't

deserve payments don't get them, and put at least as much energy into making sure

that people who really need them do.

And to not make big changes after the flaws of this system have been so

brutally exposed over the last year would be unforgivable.

Because if we don't fix it, we have... Absolutely nobody to blame but

ourselves.

And possibly Elmo.

I'm not sure exactly how, but the whole thing does somehow still seem like his

fault. And now this.

And now, Rachael Ray's complicated history with baking.

The thing that I find most challenging about cooking is the discipline of

baking. My older sister is very talented at it and has been since she was a small

girl. And it was really traumatic, and therefore I decided I hate baking.

My sister is a fabulous baker and when I was a little girl for my mom's birthday

I tried to make her favorite cake which was lemon cottage cake recipe from the

50s I sifted four times. I tiptoed around the house in my socks. The cake

never rose. It was like a giant lemon hockey puck.

I cried for hours. My mother came home. I had nothing to give her for her

birthday. My sister's the baker in the family. And one Christmas, I made all

these cookies. I decorated each one by hand. They each had different

personality and all that. And then two dogs came in and ate the whole tray. The

dog came in, knocked the tray over, ate all of them.

I'm just a terrible baker. My sister's the baker in the family. I hate baking.

He knows this. My sister is the designated baker. She provides all of

the pies and baked goods. because baking makes me grumpy.

I tried to bake Christmas cookies one year, and it's normally my sister's

thing. I was the most miserable person. Nobody wanted to be there on Christmas,

because I was there. I made so many Christmas cookies a couple years ago.

My husband threatened to leave me if I ever did it again. I suck at baking.

Okay, my sister's the baker. I'm not a very good baker. My sister is a better

baker. Me hear that. Me hear that. You not love to bake.

You ever cook?

I bake.

Oh, my sister's a fabulous baker. baker i'm so envious i am a terrible baker my

sister maria is a fabulous baker my sister's a great baker i'm terrible at

it you know my sister's a baker my sister is the baker i don't bake i hate

bacon this is my sister this is maria

That's our show. Thanks so much for watching. We'll see you next week. Good

night.

Oh, no. Please, no. Not again.

Oh, no. Come on.

Stop it.

Please stop it.

I really don't want the internet to have access to this image.

Please stop it.

I will say the song slaps. The song's fine.

This has to go.

Come on.