Original subtitles

I mean, look, guys, I know it was just the Dolphins,

but Tebow is definitely our quarterback of the future.

What'd you think, Nelson?

I didn't see the game.

You didn't see the game?

What the hell were you doing?

Took the wife down to Denver to see that new musical in town.

A musical?

Nelson couldn't watch football

'cause his wife made him take her to a musical.

Good for you, Nelson.

Did you get a blow job afterwards?

Sure did.

- Nice! - What?

I took my girl to see that show last week.

Got the best hummer of my entire life afterwards.

- 45 minutes, nonstop. - Nuh-uh!

It's true.

I'm taking my wife on Saturday, bro.

Nuh-uh.

I'm telling you, Randy, put your time in with the musical,

and the rewards afterwards are awesome.

Must be a pretty hot and steamy show.

- What's it called? - Wicked.

Ohh. Wicked.

* Heaven knows *

* We know what goodness is *

* Oh, heaven knows *

* Wicked people aren't good *

* From head to toe *

* She was just wicked people *

* Head to toe *

Hey, you, uh... you want some alcohol or something, Sharon?

No, no. I'm good. Thanks.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Can I get a scotch and soda?

Enjoying the show?

Oh, yeah. It's not really what I expected.

No?

To be honest, I'm just here for the blow job.

From what I heard, I figured this show must be

really sexy and hot, but I just don't see it happening.

Oh, it'll happen. Don't worry.

Right now your wife is being shot so full

of subliminal messages,

all she'll be thinking about afterwards is "blow job."

Subliminal messages?

It's a musical thing.

Women are so caught up in all the singing and dancing,

they don't even notice it,

But there's a blow job reference almost every ten seconds.

Broadway writers call it subtext.

Just listen really, really closely.

You'll do great here in the Emerald City.

I'm sure you can't wait to go.

* Take me away to that special place *

* That blow job place *

* Where people like us can all live free *

* Free to give blow jobs *

* Take me away, and let's live together *

- * That's the life * - Blow jobs!

- * For you and me * - * Blow jobs are *

- * And let's try * - * Look at them *

- * Denying gravity * - * Becoming friends *

* Here in Oz, you love blow jobs *

* Suddenly their souls are free *

- * Blow jobs * - * Gravity *

Oh, that was so much fun!

All the costumes, and the sets were amazing!

I really loved the songs.

That Stephen Schwartz is a genius.

I've got them all stuck in my head!

Hey, that was such a treat.

How would you like a little treat?

Whoa. No way.

Come on, Larry.

Dude, why does this happen every time?

Do something, you stupid vegan!

Coach, Feegan the vegan won't jump off the diving board!

Hey, Coach!

You just don't get it, Stotch.

I'm telling you, go see Wicked.

It's the best time.

How long was it?

She started in the car,

and then it lasted the whole drive home.

And then she kept going for, like, another 20 minutes.

Nice, bro!

Get tickets, Stotch. It's worth it.

What was the show about?

Oh, shit, I don't know.

Some green chick and a goat or something.

Come on, Feegan! Either jump or get off!

- Go! - Aah!

- Go! - Aah! Aagh!

Look, I thought Broadway musicals weren't for me either,

But I just didn't know about the whole subtext thing, you know?

I couldn't really appreciate 'em till now.

Wicked isn't even the best, bro.

You got to check out Jersey Boys.

It makes women hummer crazy!

- Really? - No, no, no.

Have you seen South Pacific? That's a jawbreaker.

Hey, Sharon, how would you like to go

to New York for the weekend?

What? Randy, are you serious?

I got plane tickets and a hotel room!

- We leave in three hours! - Oh, my God!

First you take me to Wicked, and now this?

Hey, wait, Dad, are you guys really going away?

- What about us? - Oh, don't worry.

I've taken care of everything.

You're staying the weekend with the Feegans!

Not the Feegans!

No, Dad, please don't do this.

It takes a lot of guts to be a vegan in today's world.

You get labeled soft or silly.

But the truth is, there isn't a need to eat animal product.

Would you ever believe that hot dog was vegan?

Yes.

Cancer, heart disease, drowning-

all preventable with a vegan diet and a lifejacket.

And if people want to say us vegans are silly,

Well, they can just laugh all they want,

because being vegan is more important than being popular.

Maybe you should let your son decide that for himself.

He does decide for himself!

Larry's been a vegan since he was born!

Maybe if Larry had a nice steak once in a while,

he wouldn't get beat up by every kid in school.

You know that when you think you have the flu,

- you're actually experiencing... - Dad?

Dad, you guys have to come back. This isn't working out.

...meat or eggs? Researchers have found...

Please answer the phone, Dad.

- There is more fecal bacteria- - Dad?

In the kitchen sinks than in the toilets!

* Man time *

* I need some man time *

* I got the horses fed and the truck locked up *

* Been workin' my fingers to the bone *

* Now I need a little bit of man time *

* Gonna see me a Broadway show *

- * Anything goes * - Blow job!

* Man time *

* Hear things more clearly *

* Day blow job day *

* I'm about to get drunk and loud *

* Gonna have me a rowdy good time *

* All I need is my girl and my truck *

* And some Rodgers and Hammerstein *

Sing my angel of- blow job... - music!

* But the tigers come at night *

* On your face *

* Man time *

* It's hot up here! *

- * Blow job * - * A lot up here *

* Man time *

* Man time *

Oh, man, it was great!

A different Broadway show every night.

I'm telling you guys, New York is the place to be.

Sounds like a dream, bro.

It felt like a dream, bro.

Broadway is simply the greatest time a dude can have.

It just kind of sucks to be back here now, you know?

I mean, there's no culture here.

Only Broadway show in Denver is Wicked,

and I've already taken Sharon to see it 23 times.

And Wicked moves to Seattle in a couple weeks.

It's gonna be blue balls for all of us.

Wish we could live in New York where all the musicals are.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why not bring Broadway to South Park?

- Huh? - Think about it, bro!

How hard can writing a musical be?

We need some musicians, some actors.

We can put on our own shows right here in town!

Oh, what a glorious Sunday.

I know what I'd like to do with my time!

* Would you like a blow job? *

* Yes, I would like a blow job *

* Nothing beats a blow job on football Sunday *

Excuse me.

* I'm the queen of blow jobs *

Really? * I would love a blow job *

* A woman should give blow jobs on football Sunday *

* I want to be covered in semen *

* On a bed in the Hotel Jerome *

* A woman is prettiest covered in semen *

* Give your husband a blow job when you get home *

And what about you, my fair lady?

Could I trouble you for a quick Lewinski?

Oh, I don't know, kind sir.

Blow jobs seem a little degrading to me.

Come now, a blow job isn't with your mouth.

It's with your heart.

* Now get on your knees and put that heart to work *

* Blow jobs, give us more blow jobs *

* Your duty is blow jobs *

* You love giving blow jobs *

* 'Cause what could be better on a football Sunday? *

* What could be better on a football Sunday? *

What do you want, Larry?

Today I went to 7-Eleven, and I ate a Slim Jim.

It was the greatest thing I ever tasted.

Nobody ever stood up for me before.

Oh, Reginald!

* How about a hummer at halftime? *

* A Super Bowl suck-off from me? *

* A Super Bowl hummer at halftime *

* From my lovely blow job queen *

* Two people in love, it's amazing *

* Tim Tebow, please don't let us down... *

Mr. Randy Marsh?

And hold.

Sorry, folks. We're in a hold. Just freeze right there.

- Uh, this better be important. - It is.

I represent some of the biggest names in all of Broadway.

They wish to speak with you.

Really?

Oh, my gol! Take a break, guys!

This could be it!

Mr. Marsh, this is Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Hello.

Stephen Schwartz.

Hey, bro.

Mr. Elton john.

And Stephen Sondheim.

Sup, bro.

Not much. 'Sup with you guys?

No! I mean, sup, bro.

Sit down, Mr. Marsh. We need to have a talk.

We got wind of your musical.

Just what the hell do you think you're doing?

Same as you guys...

trying to get men everywhere lengthier,

better-quality blow jobs.

You're making it too obvious!

Women are gonna figure out what we's doin'!

Musicals are about subtext.

My musical has lots of subtext!

"A blow job isn't with your mouth.

"It's with your heart.

Now get on your knees and put that heart to work."

And then she does. It's a metaphor.

Bro!

What's metaphorical about a musical called

Splooge-drenched Blow Job Queen?

Tricking bitches into hour-long blow jobs

is an art form!

You have to leave it to the professionals!

Well, sorry if you guys think you have a monopoly on subtext,

But us up-and-comers have a voice too!

You're going to ruin everything, you idiot!

Sorry if my work isn't up to your standards!

But now I need to get back to rehearsals.

Oh, and if Splooge-drenched Blow Job Queen

wins the Tony,

don't expect to be invited to my after-party.

What do you want, Larry?

* You make me come out of my shell, Shelly *

* You give me strength where there was only fear *

* I ate at a Burger King today, Shelly *

* And stood up to a boy who called me queer *

* When you pushed me off the diving board, I fell *

* And you make the world a nicer place, Shelly *

* So I can come out of my shell *

Hey!

You want to play Settlers of Catan on Xbox?

* Blow job queen *

* Don't stop givin' that blow job *

* Even when you're tired, don't stop *

- Randy! Randy, bro! - * Sharon... *

And hold. Sorry, folks.

We're in a hold.

What is it now?

Stephen Sondheim is really pissed off, Randy.

He says he wants to challenge you to a bro-down.

Fine! He wants to bro-down?

I'll bro-down!

Randy, no!

Stephen Sondheim

is the greatest Broadway composer alive today,

perhaps the greatest of all time!

You do not want to bro-down with him!

And what am I supposed to do, run?

Don't bro-down against Sondheim, Randy.

It's suicide!

I've studied musicals.

I've seen them all.

I can do this. Let's bro-down!

Oh, no! You built another settlement?

And I got a victory point

for the most roads connecting settlements.

Oh, wow!

They're having such a great time together.

I really want to thank you, Sharon.

No, no, little Larry is really making Shelly

come out of her shell too.

I have to admit, it makes me a little nervous,

having Larry up there without a life preserver on,

but I guess we have to take chances sometimes.

That's what we're doing,

putting our faith in Randy's new musical.

That's right.

I-I hear his musical is getting a lot of attention,

that it really has a chance of making it.

Oh, more than a chance.

Randy's actually having a meeting right now

with Stephen Sondheim!

- What's up, bro? - What, bro?

- 'Sup, bro? - Take a swing, bro!

I'm right here, bro!

Let's go, Sondheim!

Wipe the street with his punk ass!

What makes you the bro-thority, bro?

- West Side Story bro! - What, bro?

- Sweeney Todd, bro! - What, bro? What, bro?

Merrily We Roll Along, bro!

Why you got to disrespect, bro?

- I do respect you, bro! - Show some respect, bro!

- I do respect you, bro! - Then stop disrespectin', bro.

- I respect you, bro! - Okay, I respect you too!

Okay!

The bro-down is over!

Let's bro out!

Bro out!

Party people!

* Yeah *

Oh, man, I'm so glad we put our differences aside.

That's what bros do!

That's what bros fuckin' do!

You're all right, Marsh.

If it's cool with you, bro,

Elton and Andrew and all of us

want to help you with your musical.

Hey, really?

Yeah! We can help youse out

A lil' bit wif the subtext!

How about instead of Splooge-drenched Blow Job Queen,

we call it The Woman in White?

Oh, that is beautiful!

And a cheers to Randy Marsh.

Welcome to Bro-dway.

Bro-dway!

- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo!

Oof!

- Hey, hon. - Hi, babe.

Sorry, I was kind of hanging out with the guys.

Randy, it's fine. You do plenty with me.

Did you have a good time?

Yeah, yeah, and we really made some progress

with the show.

Andrew Lloyd Webber and those guys are gonna help us with it.

Oh, Randy, that's great!

I'm really proud of you.

Ah, Sharon, you're the best.

I'm not feeling 100%. You care if I go lay down?

Of course not. Go ahead, hon.

All right, babe.

I'm just gonna wait up for Shelly.

Okay. What's Shelly doing?

I gave her those tickets to Wicked.

She's seeing it with her little boyfriend.

She's what?

Yeah, her and little Larry Feegan.

They're going to see Wicked together.

It's Shelly's first Broadway musical.

Ohh! Shelly!

Oh, God!

Randy, slow down! Jesus Christ!

Aagh! Why didn't you tell me Shelly was going to see Wicked?

Why does it matter?

She's too young for that stuff!

Too young?

This is what I get.

I drank from the lie that is Broadway,

and now it has my daughter!

That's it, Randy. Turn this car around right now!

I can't!

Why?

Aah!

All right, look, there's something I should have told you

a long time ago, Sharon.

Broadway musicals aren't what you think they are!

They're subliminal propaganda

to get women to give more blow jobs!

On the outside, it's all singing and dancing,

but buried in it are commands to perform oral sex.

It's called subtext.

That's ridiculous!

Musicals don't make me want to give blow jobs.

Uhh! You remember the night after we saw Wicked?

Yes.

Oh. Well, yeah, but...

And after Lion King in New York?

Godspell? Mamma Mia!?

Oh, my gosh.

Broadway shows' sole purpose

is to make women famished for blow jobs.

I'm so sorry, Sharon.

No, no! This is crazy.

Musical theater people are respected,

refined, cultured!

- No, they're... - they're bros, Sharon.

Stephen Sondheim, Elton John, Andrew Lloyd Webber...

they're total bros who hang out at Hooters.

Sharon, I'm so sorry.

It can't be!

I've loved Broadway musicals ever since I saw Grease

with Jacob Harrison and his brother Kip, and we-

Oh, my God!

Aagh!

Aaaah!

Shelly!

* No one cares about wicked people *

* Now she's gone, but we don't care *

* And now we... *

Shelly? Shelly!

- * Can all be free * - Shelly, come on.

We have to go!

Dad, what are you doing here?

- Right now, Shelly! - Shh!

Shelly, you are not watching this trash.

- Now, come on! - Would you mind?

I'm trying to enjoy this musical with my granddaughter!

Oh, you fucking pervert!

All right, get the hell out of here, you!

Shelly!

Uhh!

Randy!

Randy, what are you doing?

It's time to put an end to Broadway once and for all.

* Aah aah aah *

Ah, you'll do great here in the Emerald City.

I'm sure you can't wait to go!

* Take me away *

* To that special place *

* That blow job place *

* Where people like us can all live free *

- * Free to give blow jobs * - * Take me away... *

It's Spider-Man.

- * Let's live together * - Aah!

Oh, sorry! Sorry!

- * That's the life for you * - * Blow jobs *

- * And me * - Aah!

Whah!

- Aah! - Hah!

* Take me away *

- * To that special place * - Shelly!

- Aah! - Ow!

Sorry, folks. We are in a hold.

We are in a hold.

The musical came to a screeching halt

as patrons flooded out the exits and water flooded the theater.

The only fatality was a young boy

who could not get out of the theater in time.

The fire chief said it was unfortunate

the child was not wearing a life preserver.

Shelly, I'm sorry you're little friend

was killed by Spider-Man tonight.

Just know that for Spider-Man to have done what he did,

he must have had a very good reason.

Spider-Man works in mysterious ways, Shelly,

And wherever he is, he loves you.

It's just so wrong

for men to manipulate women like that.

I don't care how much singing and dancing there is,

a woman's mouth is sacred!

Tomorrow I am calling Women's Day magazine

and exposing the whole conspiracy!

I'm sorry, Sharon.

I love you.

I shouldn't have tried to brainwash you.

You have every right to be mad.

I don't know if I can really be that mad at you

for doing something every guy in America does.

Really?

Oh, Randy, the bottom line is

I love going to those shows.

If the fallout from that

is I make you really happy for a while,

well, I guess they're actually a pretty magical thing.

Oh, Sharon, you're the best.

So what Broadway show you think's coming to Denver next?

I don't know, but whatever it is,

it's worth the ticket price,

because couples that pay to see it are going to be stronger,

better, and much, much happier.

The Book of Mormon: You'll get a blow job.