Original subtitles

- I've never seen this place so crowded.

- Yeah, ever since marco took over,

The food is supposed to be unbelievable.

Oh, thanks.

- Was that stefania? - No.

- Which one is she?

- Amy, you know, maybe we should eat somewhere else.

There's plenty of other restaurants

Where robert's ex-girlfriends don't work.

- No, no, no, she took my boyfriend.

Now she can take my order.

- Yeah, but I just don't get--

Oh, my god.

How is this so good?

This is just a breadstick! You got to taste this.

- No, no, I'm not going to eat.

I want to be thin when I see her.

- Listen, relax.

I've seen stefania. She's nothing.

You are beautiful.

- Yeah?

- Hello, debra!

Oh, hello. I am stefania.

- See? Nothing.

- You're stefania?

- Si. And you are?

- I'm amy, robert's other ex-girlfriend,

Or, as I'll be known from now on,

The plain one.

- You were also roberto's girlfriend?

- As a matter of fact,

Pretty much at the same time you were.

- Um, you know, I was looking at your red wines.

Which chianti would arrive the soonest?

- But roberto did not ever speak of you.

- Yeah, he was good like that.

- If I had known...

- I'm not sure what you said, but I like how it ended.

- I am so, so sorry to you.

You must hate me forever.

- Oh, no, there's no need to apologize.

I'm not really mad at you.

- Yeah, that's right,

'cause robert's the problem here.

But he's out of both of your lives now.

- We are both very lucky women.

- Amen to that.

- Hey, mr. Fogagnolo, is my pizza ready?

- Is ready when I say is ready.

- That's a good policy.

- Oh, look, there's my little "bastardo."

[laughter]

- Hey.

- Hi, ray.

- Everything, uh, okay?

- What do you mean?

- Oh, just, you know,

Just surprised to see you two hobnobbing.

- Actually, we have a lot in common.

- We both hate your brother.

- Oh, oh, that's nice.

- Hey, did robert ever take you to the movies?

- Uh, yes.

- That's fun, isn't it?

All his little rules.

"shh! No talking!

Movie! No talking!"

- Yes!

"I don't like to share my good & plenty."

He is like idiot.

- Hey, hey, hey,

That's a little rough, isn't it?

He happens to be right about the talking.

It's very rude.

- Now is ready.

- Papa, listen to this.

Roberto used me to cheat on this nice lady.

- He tells me he break up with stefania

Because he no like girls.

- [chuckles]

Americans.

- Your brother-- he is no good.

- Bastardo.

- This one I like.

She eats for free.

- Okay, ray, you can go now.

We want to talk about robert some more.

- You know what you need?

You need a big, black pot that you can all stir.

- Hey, wait, are you taking that back to eat with robert?

- I think what I do with my pizza

Is entirely my business, okay?

- This pizza is for roberto?

- Hey, stop that!

Stay off the sausage. It's mine!

Oh, that's nice. Oh, very nice.

Very nice. Look at that.

How about I tell your father about this, huh?

Hey, marco...

Have a nice day.

- Where ya been? We're starving here!

- Sorry.

- Sorry's not going to bring back your fudge ripple.

- What, did you flip the car?

- What the hell happened?

- That's just a little "hi, how are ya?"

From stefania and amy.

- What? Stefania and amy?

- That's right.

They're both sitting together at what is now

Marco's all-american pizzeria usa.

And they're ripping into you

Like tiny tim on a christmas ham.

- Oh, my god.

- Holy crap!

This is--

Holy crap!

Mmm. Mmm.

- Well, that's just perfect.

Marco has delicious food,

And now it's a gathering place for everyone who hates me.

- No wonder it got good reviews.

- I can't believe how bad my life is.

- I'm sorry, man. I stood up for you.

Oh, my god, this is "holy crap."

- You stood up for me? - What? Yeah.

- Oh, come on, raymond, if people are trashing me,

You're right up front with the baton.

- No! I wasn't trashing you.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, listen,

Just the fact that you had to say you stood up for me

Means that you didn't. - I did.

They were insulting you, and I told them to stop.

- They were insulting you. He told them to stop.

[laughs]

- I did!

- Yeah, yeah, sure, you did.

- What, you don't believe me? Good, fine.

Maybe you are a bastardo.

- What?

- Everybody knows it, man!

I'll tell you this: You'd better watch out

'cause marco now knows you like girls.

- You do like girls?

- Okay, dad.

- Then why do you walk that way?

- Hi.

- Oh!

Oh, you startled me.

How are you, robbie?

- Fine.

Actually, terrible.

I'm pathetic, I'm a loser,

And everybody hates me.

Could you make me something to eat?

- Of course, dear.

There you go. Bye-bye, dear.

- Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, w-wait!

What is this?

- Well, don't you like potato chips anymore?

- No, I-I do,

But couldn't you make me something?

I'm really feeling down here.

- I'm sorry, robbie, but the truth is,

See, I'm kind of in the middle of something.

But come back later, and I'll make you a plate.

- All right.

- Robbie, wait.

Here. Come with me.

- What's going on?

- I think this will be good for you, dear.

- Ma!

- We've been talking.

- Uh...

Um...

Uh...

- Say hello, robbie.

- Hello, amy.

Hello, stefania.

Hello, amy and stefania...

Together in my mother's living room.

- Roberto.

- Bastardo.

- Now, now, we have stuffed shells

And three-bean salad,

So why don't you just sit down and help yourself?

- Ma, what's going on? - Nothing, dear, I'm just--

- What's going on, old woman?

- I-I know this all seems a little odd...

- Odd? Odd?

How about horrifying beyond belief?

- Well, dear, you know,

I've always been fond of both amy and stefania,

And once I heard that they had met each other, I just--

- How'd you find out about that?

- Oh, that's all anybody's talking about.

So anyway,

I just want us to have a nice, candid conversation

About life and romance and what's wrong with you.

- Really?

- I wrote out a list.

- My spelling not so good. I do drawings.

- You gave them homework?

- It's all to help you, dear.

Don't you want to be a better man?

- [laughs] that one's funny.

- I give him tail like donkey.

- I mean, it's no secret

That you've had relationship troubles,

And I just want you to learn from your mistakes.

And now that you're here, it saves me

From having to go over it again with you later.

- Well, why don't we really save some time?

Take that cheese knife, and stick it in my neck.

- Oh, see,

His sense of humor is a little dark.

Shall we start there?

- Oh, robert, hey!

- Judy?

- Ooh, uniform's off. Give me a drink.

Fill my hand with something grand.

- But, ma, why is judy here? We only work together.

She has nothing to do with me not giving you grandchildren.

- I know that,

But she spends 60 hours a week with you.

She has a lot to bring to the table.

- Good night, everybody. - No, no, no.

Robbie, robbie, robbie, no, no, no.

You just sit down.

Sit down. Just relax.

Relax.

Okay.

- Is this everyone, ma?

What about jessica ruble? Remember her?

Stood me up for the senior dance?

- No, that wasn't her. That was your cousin rhonda.

No, jessica ruble's the one who pulled your pants down

At your school assembly.

All right, so who wants to begin, huh?

How to make robbie a better mate.

- I'll start.

Well, whenever we'd go out to dinner

And we'd order dessert,

He'd always say, "I'll just have a taste of yours."

And then it was like a shark attack!

Nothing but a little puddle of fudge left.

Order your own dessert!

- Oh, sweetheart,

Have a cannoli.

You stay away from these.

Look at her. She's a twig.

- Yeah, well, the man does get excited about his food,

But when he goes after mine,

I whack his knuckles with my nightstick.

- I have something. - Oh, good.

- The face, the frowny, frowny face.

He is always, "I don't like,

I don't want, I don't think."

It is annoying.

- Oh, I've seen that face.

- Does it look like this?

- Yes, and very unpleasant.

- I agree with stefania. Maybe he needs medication.

- Whatever you got.

- Yes, uh, maybe he's wrong in the head.

That's why he likes to stay home every night

And sit on his ugly sofa.

- Oh, ladies, let's remember,

Robert has a very demanding job.

He does need his downtime.

- Thank you, judy.

- But can someone please tell me

What is with that man and onions?

He puts them on everything.

There are other people.

- All areas you could be working on, dear.

- No, and I'd be willing to put up with all of them

If it wasn't for his biggest problem.

His total fear of commitment. - Yes.

- Because I believe that may have contributed

To our breaking up 29 times.

- It wasn't 29--

- Let her speak!

- "I think I love you. I love you.

I thought I loved you. I love you."

- "I love you so much. I don't want you"--

- "she's the one. She's not the one.

No, I think it's the other one. No, she's the one."

[all talking]

- All right!

Look,

It's obvious that people are very angry with me,

But the fact is that

Things just weren't right between you and me...

And you and me.

I apologize to both of you

For any hurt feelings that I may have caused,

But I hope you believe me when I tell you

That it was never, ever my intention.

- All right, robbie, you don't seem to be helping anymore,

So maybe you should go now.

- Fine. Fine.

I don't know why the hell I even sat down

For this all-you-can-eat character assassination.

And for your information, with regards to the onions,

I happen to have taste buds

That are more sensitive to savory than sweet, judy.

- For some reason, and it's a mystery to me,

I'm the only woman he gets along with.

- Don't fill up, ray. My meat loaf's almost ready.

- Great.

- If an angry mob comes to the door

With pitchforks and torches, it's for me.

- What's the matter?

- Ma's got amy and stefania over there.

They're all talking about how they're going to fix me.

- Oh, well, I'm sure she means well.

- What?

- I don't know.

You want to stay for dinner? I'm making meat loaf.

- Yeah, thanks, debra, but I'm not hungry.

- [whispers] smart move.

- I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone.

[sighs]

- Ahh, come on, cheer up, man.

Listen, it doesn't matter what they think over there.

Let me tell you something.

You're a good guy.

- Okay.

- No, really, don't give up.

The right lady is out there somewhere.

- Thanks.

- I mean it.

- What a load of crap.

- What?

- "the right lady's out there."

Well, guess what. You're never going to find her.

You know why? 'cause you don't want to.

You're alone because that's what you really want.

- I believe you're looking for the meeting across the street.

- Let me tell you something.

You've created an image of this ideal woman

So that when regular women--

Regular, wonderful, real women--

Fall short, you reject them.

- No. - Yes.

Yes, and that way, you never have to settle down,

And everyone can still feel sorry for poor, lonely you.

- Hey, look, I may not be the greatest catch in the world,

But I don't think I should just settle.

- I'm not telling you to settle, robert.

But you're not going to be happy

If every time you discover a flaw in somebody,

You go to somebody else because that somebody else

Is going to have her own flaws.

Nobody's perfect.

- You are.

- What?

Debra?

My debra?

This?

- Well, yeah. I think debra's perfect.

- Well, you can't have her.

- Wait a minute.

- What do you mean, wait a minute?

- I mean, that was-- that was so sweet,

And I was just so mean to you,

And I'm not perfect.

Tell him, ray.

- Is this a trap?

- I mean, robert-- robert, you don't really--

- No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

What I meant is that you're perfect for him.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's not what you said.

- But that's what I meant.

- Yeah, but that's not what you said.

Why'd you say that? - I don't know.

I had a rough day.

- Yeah, well, I've had rough days.

I never said she was perfect.

- So she's not perfect, okay?

- So now you don't think she's perfect?

- No.

- You see that there's lots of things wrong with her now.

- Yes! - Like what?

- I don't know! - I'm curious. Tell me!

- Tell you what?

- Tell me what's wrong with her.

I'm very curious.

- All right! She can be moody and critical.

- Oh, we all say that one.

- Look, you asked me, and that's what I think.

She can be horrible! - Okay.

- And here's another thing: She has one of those eyes

That are a little higher than the other.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Hey!

- And I usually--I usually don't care about posture,

But she's all--

- All right! Knock it off!

- All right? Are you happy, raymond?

All right? That's what I meant about her.

- Well, now she doesn't sound so good.

I don't know if I want her.

- You better stop talking if you want your dinner.

- And another thing-- - all right.

- Look, I'm sorry.

I just meant that ray was lucky

In the fact that he found that special someone

For him.

I'm just hoping to be that lucky.

- You will be, robert.

- Thanks.

Thanks, guys. - All right.

- See you later. - Okay.

He's right.

You're very, very lucky.

- Lucky.

Wonder if that was the name of this horse.

- Hey, ma. - Hi, robbie.

- Did you want something?

- Yes. Sit down, dear. Have a seat.

Now, I know yesterday might have been a little rough on you,

But I want you to know, no matter what was said,

You're my boy, and you'll always be my boy.

And I love you.

- Thanks, ma. - Okay, sweetie.

- Ma, what are you doing?

- [chuckles] number 19 on the list.

Your little ear hairs.