Original subtitles

[lion roaring]

[car engine revving]

(male #1) 'Here she comes. Here she comes!'

'Yeah.'

[noisy bustling]

[engine revving]

[incoherent mumbling]

Welcome to Fairweather prison, Miss Herzallerliebst.

I'm warden Brodski

and this is Mr. Piquant.

Rather than put you on death row..

Rather than put you on the row

we thought you'd appreciate the more spacious accommodations

of our maximum security section.

(Brodski) 'It's vacant at present.'

Mr. Piquant.

[wolf whistling]

[excited murmuring]

[incoherent mumbling]

[mumbling continues]

[prisoners cat-calling]

Morning, Mr. Piquant.

[inmates hollering]

(male inmate #1) 'Lord as my shepard, I see what I want!'

'If I'm in with you, I'd do twenty more.'

'Hey, baby.'

'Hey, girl, you let me under that dress with you'

'I'll walk on to the chair too'.

(male inmate #2) 'Goddamn, I'd sure like to get a piece of that.'

Just you wait, sweet thing.

'Cause you're not gonna be so cocky tomorrow morning.

[inmates mumbling]

(inmate #2) 'Goddamn that one's hot'.

Jonas, I ain't letting you in. But I see what you got there.

[both laughing]

[sniffing]

- Sure smells mighty sweet. - It's barely made.

You keep your mouth shut or I'll bust you head wide open.

Oh, sure.

You think I'm fool enough to say something about all this?

Jonas, those flowers from the garden?

[ambient music on speaker]

Who are you?

Jonas Candide's my name, ma'am.

How's it going?

Warden plants a nice garden, don't he?

[music continues]

What do you want?

Oh, I don't want nothing. I just wanted to..

...put you at ease about in the morning.

'You're the priest?'

Do I look like a priest?

You like flowers?

They're lovely.

I just don't want you to worry about nothing.

I want you to know that it's quick and it's painless.

- How do you know? - 'I know'.

I guess things have been pretty tough for you.

All the stays and the appeals.

(Jonas) 'Even before the trial, coming over here as an immigrant'

'not even knowing the language.'

- Ah...I managed. - 'Oh yeah, I'm sure you did'.

If I may say so, ma'am

You gonna be about the lovliest thing Ol' Reliable ever saw.

Reliable?

It's my chair. He he, my electric chair.

- Guard! - What did I say now?

- Guard! - Hey, what did I say?

Wait a minute, now, no wait. Don't you understand?

- Get out! Get out! - 'No no no, wait a minute now'.

[incoherent screaming]

- Get out! Leave me! - Hey, wait! Wait.

- You like killing people! - I do not like killing people!

Listen..

...you are my first woman.

I never fried a woman before.

- Electrocuted. - Oh, God!

[gun firing]

[harmonica music]

Hello!

[horse neighing] Whoa, boy!

[country music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[screaming]

- Oh you...Hey, Jonas! - Hey, Jack!

Goddamn, you lookin' pretty!

Yeah well, I feel very pretty. I feel in the pink.

Listen, ah, you wanna open up?

Or do I gotta kill somebody to get in?

Hey, how is business these days?

Well, I can't complain.

I fried a murderer last month and a rapist the month before.

Today is my double header, that's 200 bucks.

I don't know about that, the girl ain't getting her's today.

(Jonas) 'What? How come?'

Got another stay from the goddamn governor.

'Last night before they brought her down'

'from kingdom come city.'

Goddamn it all! I bought me a new coat to do right by her.

Look at that, isn't that something? And a new hat.

It cost me two dollars and fifty cents.

(Jack) 'But you're still gonna get to fry her brother'.

Shit, her brother ain't got tits.

[laughing]

Hey, open up! Open up!

[country music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

- Good morning, Mr. Candide. - Could be better.

[ambient music]

[ominous music]

* Just a closer walk with thee *

* Grant it Jesus it is my plea *

* Daily walkin' Lord with thee *

* Let it be oh Lord let it be **

[incoherent mumbling]

(Male priest) 'The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want'.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul.

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

- Yea, though I walk through-- - Willie!

Willie!

Can I call you Willie?

My name is Jonas Candide, Willie.

I'm your executioner.

Let me say right on.

I sure appreciate you being here.

And, Willie...

Wait a minute, now, Willie.

I'm gonna show my appreciation to you

by giving you..

...the prettiest death a guy has ever had.

(Jonas) 'You don't have to be scared'.

Just sit right down up here..

Yup. And we're gonna fetch you on your way

to the fields of Ambrosia

in no time.

Hm?

You want to hear about the Fields of Ambrosia?

Yeah..

Listen, Willie.

The fields of Ambrosia

was a place, that only the Greeks..

...only the Greeks knew about.

You know who're the Greeks?

I don't either.

But the Greeks are, uh, Homer, Hamlet...men like that.

I, ah...I ain't never seen it myself, naturally, but..

...a deceased client of mine told me about it.

Wait a minute now, now just before you go

Before you go asking me how could that be

I mean, how could a deceased client..

Let me say, well this fella, Haskin was his name

was as scared as you are.

Yeah, scared.

Woowee!

Well, anyway

'I heard about this, by way of a medium.'

You know what a medium is?

Well, it's somebody who acts as a kind of in between.

Between you and the outer world.

(Jonas) 'Professor Stark was this guy's name.'

'He worked in a carnival'.

And he said that he had somebody

who wanted to get in touch with me.

I-I didn't know what to think about it...but I..

...I went over to his tent..

...and I walked in..

...was sitting in his tent and he was..

...muttering these incantations, it was the strangest thing

I ever heard.

[chanting]

I never heard anything like it in my entire life.

Just about that time, I..

...I listened and I heard this voice talking to me.

And it was Haskin.

"Jonas."

"Jonas?"

"Thank you, Jonas."

He was thanking me, thanking me.

He said that he was in fields of Ambrosia

'and, Willie..'

'...you shoulda heard him tell about that place.'

(Jonas) 'Green meadows and..'

'...rolling hills, trees.'

'Lots of trees, thick with fruit.'

'He could pick it right off the tree.'

And...if you were ever to get thirsty..

...you just wave your hand in the air..

...and you...come up with a goblet full of nectar.

Haskin said that..

...the day changed color depending on your mood.

The sun glowed soft..

...sweet smelling, like a woman's hair.

When night came..

...it just stayed long enough for you to dream

get a goodnight's sleep.

Wake up in the morning ready to catch the sun.

[chuckling] Ya know, there's a..

...sound...all around..

...sounds of laughin'.

You go after the laughin', try to find out where it is.

You find..

...beautiful women. Sitting by a stream..

[chuckling] ...naked heh, yeah..

...naked, like-he he-yeah.

Like the French paintings that hang on museum walls.

And then, when they see you, they don't turn you away.

No, sir, they..

...they say, "Come on over here, Willie, come on, Willie".

'"You need to enjoy the party."'

Willie, but they don't care at all what you done in this life.

Those women don't-it don't make a difference to them.

They'll ask you to join them anyway.

And when they do, they say

'"Willie, come on over here, sit down beside me."'

'And you know what they do?'

(Jonas) 'Sing you songs, feed you grapes.'

'And they say, "Willie..

"...lie down beside me, Willie.

"I love you, Willie.

I need you."

And that's how you spend your forever.

In the fields of Ambrosia.

Fields of Ambrosia..

I sure wish I was going with you.

It's a pleasure meeting up with you, Willie.

Best of luck in the next life.

Danke.

[machine whirring]

[crackling]

The Lord giveth..

...and the lord taketh away.

[machine clanging]

[sighing]

Stop!

This man ain't dead yet.

[dramatic music]

- Billy, you go get Mr. Candide. - Yes, sir.

Hello, Munroe, let me talk to the warden, please.

[upbeat music]

Mr. Candide. He ain't dead yet.

What?

[dramatic music]

[vessel sizzling]

(Jonas) 'He was 175 pounds, doc.'

'According to his body weight, 55 seconds'

'should have been just this side of plenty.'

And if it wasn't, you should have caught it.

Well, he was dead, I tell ya, I couldn't hear any heart beat!

The heart is inherently contractible, you know.

Yeah, ten weeks medical school didn't teach you much, eh?

Just 'cause you're losing your touch, don't blame me!

You wanna step outside and say that?

Other matters are at hand.

Let me give you a tip, Doc.

If a body's heart is going ka-thunk ka-thunk

it means he ain't dead yet.

The medical examiner didn't catch it

He listened to it, I'd say that's two against one.

- You're both deaf! - We'll be back, Jimmy.

[all arguing]

'You gonna take another half hour like you did last time?'

- 'Doc!' - 'Ain't you ashamed?'

(Doc Prittle) 'You stand around in goddamn costumes and spend a--'

Shut your mouth!

[all yelling]

Wait-wait a minute here!

Turn it on!

How do you think I'm gonna turn it on? Look at this!

It's alright. He just died.

- Are you sure? - Look at the blood, you fool.

Ah! Well, that's too bad!

[dramatic music]

Well, these things happen, Jonas.

Yeah, I know.

It's just that it never happened to me before.

You know what? For eight years I've been giving

the condemned men of this state my best.

Eight years I've seen to it that each and every man

was more than just a notch on my belt.

'And there wasn't one that ever suffered before.'

Oh, I don't think he suffered.

- Well.. - 'He wasn't even conscious.'

Just the same, its going to take me some time to get over this.

Oh, as long as you know we're not holding it against you.

Well, I-I appreciate that.

You know, one mishap in eight years.

That's still a pretty mighty fine record.

I just hope I can make up for today in the next eight.

[instrumental music]

Hey!

Howdie, Mr. Candide.

Nice to see you.

[snoring]

What?

[snoring continues]

Where's my pants? Hmm?

Where'd I put my pants?

Oh, shit, well..

This is the last time..

[all laughing]

Real funny, ain't it?

Sheriff, where's my pants?

Dogged if we know. You come in here last night without 'em.

- My pants? - 'Yep.'

What do you want us to do?

Start a house-to-house search?

[all laughing]

Now, wait. I wish you would, sheriff.

I had my execution money in my pants.

Oh, you didn't you had it in the crew pocket.

- What's left of it. - Oh, praise the Lord!

You'll do celebrate their execution, Jonas.

For a man in your position, you lookin' a hell of a mess.

'You oughta' get yourself a shave.'

Hey, Grimes, lend him your pants.

What?

Come on, you have nothing to do but sit behind that desk.

'Nobody's going to see you.'

- Why can't-- - Grimes, lend him your pants!

[all laughing]

[instrumental music]

That's the trick of it!

Good, sharp edge to the blade.

- Parts the flesh faster! - Well, I don't agree with you.

There's nothing faster than my electric chair.

Well, of course, I wouldn't know.

But be-heading seems a whole lot more wholesome

than sizzling like a piece of bacon.

Goddammit! I do not sizzle.

Say, Jonas, how about a little bit off around the edges?

You know better than that! I gotta watch my image!

I've been to a state fair in my time.

I've never been at one of your shindigs.

- How do I get an invite? - An invite? You wanna come?

Sorry, but the warden don't allow strangers.

Will you quit that?

'I got two little boys, one with a birthday coming up.'

'Maybe you can make an exception?'

I'd love for ya'll to come but, uh..

... I'm afraid they're just private affairs.

Well, in case you change your mind, here's my card.

'I'll appreciate any little thing.'

"Gravey Combs, commercial painter."

What kind is that?

Oh, signs, advertisements and such.

Lettering. Like in that sign over there.

Oh, yeah. That's real nice.

Listen, maybe we could work something out after all.

Gravey.

[drum roll]

[pleasant music]

- He's here, Jonas. - I know, Harold. I know.

Thank you.

Have you ever refused to do your job?

- No, ma'am. - Just for two or three days?

No, ma'am.

My lawyer says I could get another stay in that time.

I'd be very grateful.

I don't doubt that. But I would lose my job.

Look, it's nothing against you. You're an attractive woman and--

- And a German! - What?

And all Germans are...liars and thieves and murderers--

Did I say that? Did I say that?

Huh?

Then you're probably too busy lynching Negros

to take time off for the Germans.

Oh, that's right. I do that all day long, lynching Negros.

That's all I got time for, for lynching Negros.

But then, you don't lynch. You fry!

Do you like doing that?

I like my job!

It pays good. The hours are short.

And condemned men seem to trust me.

Condemned women too.

Right, condemned women haven't..

Said you was my first.

- Yes, I could tell. - What does that mean?

What do you mean by that?

Well...any normal man could kiss me back.

But then, any normal man wouldn't do what you do.

Well, you go straight to hell!

You just go right straight to hell.

Listen, you know somethin'

I'm probably the biggest womanizer in these parts.

I haven't met a woman yet, I couldn't burn the pants off.

Well, mine don't burn so easily.

Yeah, well, you, I..

Mr. Candide!

You do something for me. I'll do something for you.

Alright. What makes you think I'd do something for you?

Damn! Chair's gone!

Jesus!

Warden! Somebody!

'Mr. Piquant!'

'Someone stole the electric chair!'

'Zak!'

* They called me you know.. **

My name's Pennybaker.

Maybe you recall me from the execution last week.

- I represented the deceased. - Oh, yeah--

- I'm Miss Gundred's lawyer. - You are?

- Can we talk? - Well, sure, come on in.

I on my way to give her what was to be her last meal.

- Oh! - I'll make this short.

My client told me of your meeting last night

and I'd just like to welcome you to our side.

- What are you talking about? - I understand your reticence .

But let me assure you that I would never say a word.

You're godsend and I'd like to shake your hand.

Thank you, Mr. Pennybaker, but you're mistaken--

So be it! So be it!

I'm on my way right now to talk to the governor in person.

But there's just one little thing while I'm gone.

What's that?

What assurance do we have that the, uh..

...the instrument will stay lost?

Well, she is a mighty, fine hunk, I've been told!

Well, that mighty, fine hunk has spent three years in prison

on death row in Kingdom Come City.

I know lots that's spent a lot longer than that.

- Well, I just bet you have! - Yeah!

Now, what about the contraption? Huh?

They're gonna search until they find it!

- Let 'em search. - Where is it?

Mr. Pennybaker..

...do you really believe that I'd tell you where it was?

Well, Mr. Candide, I don't believe you trust me!

- You're right. - 'What kinda attitude is that?'

Safe!

It really troubles me, Mr. Candide

that we can't communicate.

Oh, it troubles me too, Mr. Pennybaker.

God knows there's little or no communication

in the world today.

God's right!

You're a mighty religious man, Mr. Candide.

- Yes, I am. - I bet, you pray night and day.

- Yeah. - Night and day!

Very late at night with your van parked right beside the chapel.

The lord works in mysterious ways, Mr. Pennybaker.

I love the Lord and the Lord loves me.

I derive my strength from the Lord.

The Lord is my right arm!

So that's how you're able to pull that switch.

That's right.

I always wondered about a man like you.

'Well, now you know!'

Phew! Well..

...I'd better get this breakfast over there before it gets cold.

Well, Mr. Pennybaker, as a matter of fact I was just on my

on my way over to see Miss Gundred, myself

to, uh, collect.

- To collect? - Yeah.

Better treat her gentle, power boy!

That ain't no porkchop in there.

Then tell me why is she hanging around a ham hock like you? Hmm?

Of course, I ain't Catholic or anything like that.

I use this rosary whenever we execute, well..

...folks like Catholics, like, you know..

...to give you comfort.

What denomination are you?

I'm glad you asked me that.

We call ourselves the American Baptist Catholicistic healers.

Don't you like to hear more about our faith?

No!

Oh, hello, Gaylord.

Gaylord, you mind if I had a few words

in private with the lady?

You got 10 minutes, Jonas.

I'll do my best. Thank you.

Sorry that your breakfast is so late.

I have to thank you for what you've done.

You know..

...as a matter of fact I was just talking to your lawyer.

As I told him I was gonna

come on over here and see you..

...collect..

- Will you be in trouble? - No.

I hardly ever get into trouble around here.

I'm all cleaned up.

You're awfully sure of yourself, aren't you?

With only ten minutes, I better be.

Good morning, Mr. Candide. How are you this morning?

Fine, Harris. Just fine. Never better.

(Jonas) 'Jesus Christ!'

Just look at this. Poor baby!

She couldn't fry an egg the way she's now.

How did you know where to find it?

I heard a rumor.

Nobody comes in here anymore.

(Brodksi) 'Well, these things happen, Jonas. Don't worry about it!'

What about the gallows, we can still hang her.

Malcolm, she has taken the chair.

- 'What chair?' - 'It wouldn't be right.'

Well, who is to know? We just slip that noose over her neck.

It's all over in two shakes.

(Brodski) 'A prisoner's last request is sacred, Malcolm.'

(Malcolm) 'We ain't so particular on how we killed a hiney.'

We're not at war with Miss Herzallerliebst, Malcolm.

We're only executing her.

Well, I'll believe it when I see it!

It's criminal how many postponals that bitch has got!

She's living off the fat of the land.

We're standing here arguing.

If we spring her up against her will

it'll be in every newspaper in this state, Piquant.

Now, I ain't gonna have that!

Jonas, you get this chair fixed!

Don't worry about a thing. I'll have it fixed in no time.

Kill me!

What are you going to fire with that?

- Hey, Jonas. - Hey, Jimmy.

How are you?

I'm pretty good. What are you doing here?

The thing is it's just too much a hassle

to have a funeral today, so they said

bring the honey back Thursday.

You mean Willy ain't in the ground yet?

- No. - Ooh. We..

Listen, Jimmy, listen, I gotta do a little fixin' on my chair

and I was wondering if you could help me out.

- Sure. - You know a place?

Emporium!

Just go right around back!

- Right around back. - Okay. Thank you, Jimmy.

Listen, I'll stop by and help you with Willy

as soon as I'm done here.

I'd really appreciate that. Thank you.

- Something I can do for y'all? - Well, I don't know!

- Says here you fix everything. - Sure do!

- That go for things electrical? - Yes, sir.

- I got something I wanna show. - Yes, sir.

My God!

Is that thing really what I'm thinking then?

Well, I'm not sure what you're thinking it at.

Damn!

You really made this here?

That's right. State execution. Jonas Candide is my name.

I don't believe I caught yours.

- Thorn. Virgil Thorn. - Glad to meet you, Virgil.

'Damn!'

Hey, Jack, come here. Take a look at this thing.

Look at that. Lyon..

Hey George. Howdy?

Take a look at this thing. Come, Lyon. Look at this thing.

Ever seen a thing like that before. Look at that.

Look at that stuff there.

- The death chair! - Electric!

Look at 'em wires there. It's all around the place.

Motors on the side. Isn't that something?

Never seen a thing like that before, have you?

This here's my brother, Lyon and his wife, Alice.

Look at this! You ever seen a thing like this?

Listen, Virgil, you think you could be able to fix it?

- What do you think, Lyon? - I don't know.

It don't look more complicated than a bread toaster.

Lyon, just one more thing.

I don't see why we can't handle this little job

for you, Mr. Candide.

That's real good, Lyon. You take all the time you need, you hear?

Take all the time in the world.

Listen, did I ever tell you the secret of my success?

Success?

It's sending the ladies on an immortalizing trip

to fields of Ambrosia.

Fields of Ambrosia?

Tobacco?

- Rosin. - Rosin.

Rub it on your pecker, you got 'em at your mercy.

Ain't failed on me yet. Come on. I'll treat you to a hoar.

- Ooh, when can we go? - We can't go right now.

You come over and sit down. I'll show you just what happens.

Oh, but I wanna see your chair.

Well, I'm gonna show it to you. Come on over here.

And then you just sort of put your hand back.

I see.

That's a crazy chair. Ooh.

And before you know it

you're gonna be in the fields of ambrosia.

[snoring]

Hey, hey, Jimmy, what's the matter?

Hey, come on, Jimmy.

Hey, it could happen to anybody. It ain't the end of the world.

Jimmy!

What's the matter? Didn't you use your rosin?

I wished I was dead!

- No, you don't! - Yeah. I did!

- That one damn thing-- - Just quit talking like that.

Now, come on, you're too old to be carrying on like that.

You want cigar?

Hey, I got it. That's alright, I got it!

I'm really surprised with you.

W-what do you want with me? Why don't you leave me alone?

Why don't you go away?

Is that any way to treat a friend?

Let me tell you something.

You know, this whole business

is nothing but a waste of time and money.

I know men who've done nothing, but live for it.

What's it gotten 'em? Minds in the gutter.

Wasted every penny they ever had.

Now, you've been learning a good lesson, huh?

You can set your mind on a higher thing.

It's a blessing in disguise.

I wish I was as lucky as you were when I was your age--

- Hi, Jonas. - Hello, darling. How're you?

Fine.

You know something, I've been thinking.

You told me that you hated your line of work, right?

Well, I got a little proposition for you.

There she is. That's reliable.

That's my chair.

I'd like to know what it's like to be strapped up in this thing.

- Come along. - No, no.

- Sit back there - No, no, no.

- What's the matter? You scared? - Yeah.

I don't know what you're scared about.

She's harmless as a bedbug the way she is now.

- I don't care. - Well, alright.

I tell you what, I'll sit down and show you how to do it.

Now, you sit in the chair like any ordinary person does.

And, uh, you strap me in!

Okay?

Now, wait. Now, hold on now.

You do the chest strap first.

Because in case your client gets any other ideas

you got some security.

That's right!

Alright. Now.

After that, you do the wrist. First wrist over here.

Now, you don't want that too tight because you want..

...don't want to chafe your client's wrist.

Let's try the little head part on you.

Hey, wait, Jimmy. No, wait! Hold it.

Don't do that. Now, wait a minute.

Listen, I think we've got a problem.

- What? - The woman.

Uh, W-Willy's sister?

Yeah.

Her ass is just too good to cook.

[all cheering]

[alarm blaring]

[indistinct chatter]

See you later.

[indistinct chatter]

Come on, move it. Come on.

See you later.

It's feeding time for the animals.

They'll be back.

How long they're gonna keep you out here?

An hour.

They're treating you alright?

You know, that lawyer of yours did some job on my equipment.

He's a dedicated man.

I find him, I'm gonna bust his head wide open.

'You had any word from the governor?'

No.

You know, I think my chair is gonna be ready

in a couple of days according to what I saw last night.

Well.

Looks like you two know each other.

'You figure that's healthy, Candide?'

Was paying my respects.

Well, I reckon you'd like to do more than just that.

Oh, Malcolm.

Well, so would everyone else around here.

At least them that remembers how.

Say.

One night I will come in your room and jump all over you.

Save you a job.

How about that, huh?

What a way to go. Goddamn!

[laughing]

He's a nice fella, isn't he?

[soft music]

The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

'It's gonna work, doc.'

'I'm sure it's gonna work.'

See, uh, each one of these rats weighs one pound.

So I gave them 5 volts of electricity.

Now, Gundred weighs about 100 pounds.

So I give her 500 volts of electricity.

Then we'll revive her with adrenaline

just like you're doing now.

We'll bring her back here and put her in a hearse with Jimmy.

Jimmy takes a ride out of here

and nobody will know the difference.

- Except Jimmy. - No. Don't worry about Jimmy.

I can take care of him.

I've gotta tell you something.

You and your habbit are gonna be $200 richer.

- Oh, I knew it was coming. - You did?

Hot and cold flashes.

Now, do you...do you mind if we continue this discussion later?

Listen, doc, you're trying my patience.

I want my patients by the way.

- They're dead, Jonas. - No, they are not dead.

- You haven't done your job. - They're dead!

No, they are not dead. They look dead. That's all.

They look dead. They're supposed to look dead.

That's the po.. Listen to me.

You get over here and give them some more adrenaline.

And I don't wanna argue with you anymore.

I don't know what's the matter with you, Jonas.

But use your head.

That was an accident what happened to Willy.

It was no accident.

It's a simple matter of weight versus voltage.

- Well, I gave you the weight. - You gave me the wrong weight.

That's the reason I gave the wrong voltage.

'If you had given me the right weight'

I'd have given you the right voltage.

You see a captain needs a navigator.

This is ridiculous.

Yeah, let sleeping dogs lie.

And condemned prisoners die for real.

Oh, boy. I tell you, I don't like your attitude one bit.

Well, I'm getting old. And my fluids are drying up.

Well, now, listen, doc, now, look I'm gonna give you

$200 dollars for those fluids for one whole year.

I don't know.

- I'm wavering. - Alright, now, waver.

Two fifty?

- Waver. - I'm teetering on the brink.

Teeter and waver, waver and teeter.

Just teeter right on over here to me. Come on--

- I did it. - You what?

- I did it. - You did.

I didn't think I could do it, but I did it.

You did do it.

- I did it. - You did do it.

Look at that. He's alive and kickin'.

- Look at that. - I did it.

Look at them! Look at them! Look at them!

I told you it would work.

I told you.

It works on rats.

Doc, you just tell me what do you think

the difference is between rats and people?

A rat or a person, they take about..It's just a matter of 5..

You old shit kicker. Two seventy five.

Two eighty five. Three hundred.

Quit following me!

Well, quit walking away from me!

Well, that's my last offer.

Four hundred?

Four fifty?

Just look at the way you're shaking.

How soon?

Well, Memphis wasn't built a day.

- Oh, I don't trust you, Jonas. - Why not?

Once a con man always a con man.

- Look I'm good for it. - You never pay up.

Oh, I'm sorry you said that, doc.

I'm real sorry you said that.

How long have we known each other?

Five years?

And in that time we've done some

pretty tough things together, boy.

The Hartness brothers, remember? They come to mind.

Six in one morning.

And we did that with efficient speed thanks to you.

And that-that one...Contrail.

Remember? We quieted him down so good he went with a smile

on his lips and a melody in his heart.

And frankly doc, I have begun to think of us as a team.

I couldn't live with myself if I ever do anything wrong to you.

But you say you don't trust me.

Well, there's not much else I can say, is it?

Just for the record though..

...you wanna come up with the money before the execution.

'And we'll talk a little turkey.'

Kill her.

Darling, ten percent is what we always agreed to.

But you've done half of 'em.

You're trying to grab my money, now, come on.

I'll do you a favor. Fifteen percent.

- Fifteen percent? - That's it.

Well, alright.

But you promise to bring back my girls when you said.

- Would I lie to you? - Ha!

Alright, now, Laura, listen I'll bring them back

as long as you're here when I come home.

Alright, ladies.

Try and get some rest on the way.

We got a long ride ahead of us.

[engine revving]

(Jonas) Thanks, Earl.

- Hi, Philman. - Hi, Jonas.

'Hey!' What are you doing?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

- What's your name? - Jeremy.

Jeremy.

Well, Jeremy, tell me how long has it been

since you had a little nooky.

- Oh, it's been a long time. - Come over here.

Jeremy. I think I've got a remedy for you that comes

from six different places.

Ladies, this is Jeremy.

(together) Hello, Jeremy.

- Hi. - Hey

- Isn't that somethin'. - Right.

Yeah.

Listen, Jeremy, you've got any money?

- Yeah, I've got two dollars. - You do? Well, look at that.

Oh, fat Jeremy now wait just a second now.

You bring me back two more dollars and she'll be all yours.

- Hot damn. - Listen, listen, Jeremy.

You spread the word around, but be discreet.

Hi, Jonas.

Well, hello, Virnin.

Well. Virnin, now, listen.

I'm sorry there's just not enough to go around

but you come back a little bit later and I'll take care of you.

- Here you can take that too. - I never saw a thing.

Come on, ladies. Meryl.

Hello, Phyllis.

Come on, step lively, girls everybody works tonight.

Here we go. Hello, Annie. I love your new dress.

Mona.

[indistinct chattering]

No touching.

You ready, girls?

- Name? - Wayne Whip.

Whip? Four dollars.

Room one, five minutes.

- Next. - William.

- William? - Blake

Alright. Wait, William, here you go.

Room two, five minutes.

- Next. - Jackson.

Jackson. Alright.

Four dollars. Take one back.

One more. Room three, five minutes.

Next.

- Hanner-Hanner. - Hanner.

- Four dollars. - Will-Will you take that?

- Where'd you steal this from? - Stole it from the warden.

- You did? - Yeah.

Room number four, five minutes.

What kinda curvy can I shoot in five minutes?

Anna.

You better start shooting.

- Name. - Beauregard.

- Spell that. - B-E-A-U..

Shit.

That's alright.

Room four, five minutes.

If you show that to the lady she'll know what to do with it.

Samson. Five minutes is up. Samson?

Oh, there you are. Murphy, you're next. Five minutes.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold it now, leave him. One at a time.

You go first, you go. Now wait.

(Jeremy) Hotdamn!

Wait for your turn. Wait for your turn.

Wait-wait a minute. Hang on.

Mervy, Mervy, Mervy. Mervy, Mervy.

Get over here now. Mervy, now, listen to me.

Now, what do you think you're doing, Mervy?

Jonas, no. For god's sake I got it.

Yeah, I know, hold on.

Alright, just take him in, get off your back. Five minutes.

- Hold it, now. - Jonas.

I know, my darling I know, I know.

Don't worry about a thing, it'll all be over in no time.

[sighs]

[knocking on door]

What the hell is going on?

[indistinct chattering]

- Everything's gonna be alright. - Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Get 'em out of here. What's the big idea?

Oh, I-I see you met Phyllis, doc.

Phyllis loves older men.

You get a full ten years. Get them, get them out of here

before I get the claps sprayed all over.

No, wait just a second, doc. These girls are clean.

There is not a clap among them.

- You want your money or not? - No!

- Yeah. Money? - Lots of money.

I'll show you something.

Look at that. Now, listen.

Four hundred dollars another twenty minutes

I'll hand you another fifty. What do you think?

I didn't know you were so resourceful.

I got, I got my creative batteries just juiced up.

We got a deal now, right?

I bet you could raise...a thousand.

- What? - If you had to.

[orchestral music]

(Laura singing)

Hiya Laura. You sure gonna win this, tonight.

[continues singing]

- 'Hi, Mr. Candide.' - Hello. How are you, Franklin?

- Whiskey. - Yes.

Hey, Frank, I didn't know there was a game here tonight.

Yes. Jake Bender is here.

Well. When'd he get out?

Oh, about a year ago.

Thank you.

[singing continues]

[orchestral music]

What else you got?

- Well, I got an electric chair. - A what?

An electric chair.

Is this some sort of joke or something?

No, it's no joke. I'm the State Executioner, Jake.

Hmm.

Well, I'll be.. Where's it now?

Repair shop. Behind the emporium on main street.

- Klanz. - Yeah?

Call the emporium on main street, check and see

if there's an electric chair.

(Klanz) 'Well, what does it look like?'

A chair, dummy.

(Jonas) 'Uh-uh.'

Huh?

Looks like a throne.

Alright.

- I'll give you a $150. - Hundred and fifty?

- For a chair like that? - A chair's a chair.

Oh, I know, but this is no ordinary chair.

This chair is very special, first of all, it's electric

and second of all its mahogany.

Hmm, 200.

You shock me, Jake. Two hundred dollars?

A Swiss tool master from Chicago did all the carvings himself

by hand, it took him six months.

He was on the other side of Andes when he did it.

Just wait till you see it, I mean the curly curlicues

and the spiraly whatchamacallits just take your breath away.

- On an electric chair? - Yeah.

Alright, $275. Now, shut up.

I'd like to shut up, but I can't.

I-I mean that chair demands more respect than that.

First of all, it's my companion it's my life's companion.

And it's given me a lot of pleasure.

I mean I can't tell you how many evenings I've sat on it

and I've read Mark Twain, by candle light.

'I mean it, it's more than just a companion.

It's my friend, my-my closest friend.

I've spent eight years and three states

travelled all over with her and..

...It just shames me to put her in this card game.

What if I lose? Huh?

I mean, It's like losing an arm or a leg.

Man, I swear I never heard such bullshit.

You pull this in every card game you play in?

The straps, the straps are beautiful man

they're just beautiful.

Alright, alright.

Let the chair cover the whole pile.

Now, go ahead and make your play and be careful

there's a sheriff sitting over there.

Well, if that is the sheriff, Jake

I guess you're gonna be careful yourself.

I take pride in the fact that I've always playing a fair game.

- So do I. - Very well. Make your call.

You ain't going anywhere till Klanz gets here anyway.

Alright. I'll call. But..

...before I do, Jake I suggest that you..

...toss in those cards you have in your lap.

You tossing the one under your hair.

[all laughing]

You son of a..

That's a beautiful, beautiful one.

[laughing]

- Morning, Jonas. - Morning, Jake.

It sure is a beautiful day, ain't it?

Yeah, it sure is.

Hey, congratulations. You sure play a good game.

Thank you, Jake. So do you.

- Just the money. - Jake.

[melancholic music]

[intense music]

[clanging]

[intense continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

(Gundred) 'No!'

No, no!

[music continues]

[screaming]

Guard, please, help me.

[music continues]

Please, help me.

'Please.'

'Bitch'!

Oh, you made a big one, German lady.

You-you made a big mistake, German lady.

You made a big one this time, didn't you, huh?

Made a bit of a big one, didn't you?

You made a big mistake, didn't you, German lady.

Huh? Didn't you? Didn't you? Open that door.

You made a little mistake there, darling.

Gunther, give me the gun.

Give me your gun.

- Get me a rope. - What?

Get me a rope, get to the goddamn burrows, get me a rope!

- No! - Big German lady, huh?

[intense continues]

Please, please, doc. Doc, I'm begging you. No, no, look.

I'm begging. You got me down on my pair of bones.

I'm begging, and it breaks my ass.

Do me this one favor, I promise you'll get your money.

Now, you and I both know that a con man's promises

ain't worth a bucket of warm spit.

You..

I thought doctors were interested in saving lives.

Oh, I ain't jeopardizing' my liberty for free of charge.

I sure as hell ain't doing it so you can have a little nooky.

Dr. Prittle! Dr. Prittle!

Dr. Prittle!

Guess what?

[Gundred groaning]

Malcolm.

Wait! What's the big idea?

(Malcolm) She changed her mind. She's taking the rope.

(Malcolm) 'Get that muddle up there. You don't know, she's fickle.'

Malcolm, she's my client.

I've got the authority in the inclination tough titty.

Oh, Malcolm, Malcolm, to you she doesn't mean anything.

To me she means a $100, that's room and board and good whisky.

Hell, you just made a hundred off her brother.

Malcolm, nobody takes a rope no more.

(Malcolm) 'Nobody?'

'We had a man here not long ago, who took the rope.'

His family was coming and he didn't want to take

the chance on being Scorched up in front of 'em.

Wait a minute, I don't scorch.

I know a Chinese laundry who can use you.

- She's taking the chair! Chair! - Rope! Rope!

Chair!

Rope.

Malcolm. Can't you wait one more day?

One day? Who says?

The chair's gonna be ready tomorrow.

You know the warden would have update if she was to hang.

'Okay.'

You pick that chair up first thing tomorrow morning.

First thing!

And that bitch is gonna go second.

- Yes, sir. - 'Alright.'

Come on, darling. Malcolm, you ain't not gonna regret this.

I mean it, Candide, do you hear?

- Don't worry about a thing. - Make sure her ass's locked up.

I mean it, Jonas!

Did he hurt you?

- Yes. - I'm gonna get rid of him.

[sighs]

We've gotta think of something, Gundred.

That chair is gonna be ready tomorrow.

Jonas. Banks have money.

They ain't gonna give me the kind of money that I need.

You could get it.

You..

Now, wait a minute, look I've done a lot

of strange things in my time I've never robbed a bank.

- Jonas. - Hey.

Jonas.

Jonas, you're a very clever man.

I know, but..

...baby, you're asking..

- I know, you can do it. - I'm listening, I can't do it.

Don't you understand, I've gone the distance, I've gone the

limit, there's nothing I can do, I can't go any farther.

Oh, yes, you could go further.

Oh, yes, please.

Please.

[moaning]

(Jonas) 'What time do the banks close?'

I don't know, Jonas this whole thing really got me worried.

Now, look, don't worry about a thing.

Everything is gonna be just fine.

You can't keep get worrying. God, man.

You're gonna be the next executioner.

I'm gonna be the next executioner?

For you're my man, ain't you?

[engine revving]

[telephone ringing]

[indistinct chattering]

- Excuse me. - Yes?

I had an appointment with La Follette.

La Follette.

La Follette.

- 'What's your name?' - My name is Jonas Candide..

...desk clerk.

I'll tell my daddy, you're here.

Thank you.

[telephone ringing]

- 'Daddy.' - 'Yeah.'

'A Jonas Candide is here to see you.'

'Oh, yes. Thank you son.'

- Mr. Candide. - Good afternoon, sir.

We're very happy to meet you, sir. Just delighted.

- Come sit yourself down. - Thank you very much.

Well, it isn't very often that we get a distress signal

from a member of the penal profession.

Well, there ain't many of us penal professionals around.

Oh, I'm sorry, excuse me.

I was attacked off late and lost a sum of money.

- Oh, how awful. - Yeah.

That's one of the reasons why I came over to see you.

Well, we are here to serve you, sir.

I need the money today.

What?

It's a matter of life and death.

[chuckling]

Mr. Candide, matters of life and death are very rarely

a matter of life and death.

Sir, you know that there is a war going on.

Oh, oh, this-this has to do with the war.

As I'm sitting right here, you know this very minute

Kaiser Bill is gobbling up Europe.

He's gobbling up France, he's gobbling up England

and he's just gobbling up everything. He's a gobbler.

And he swallowed whole, some of them small countries.

Now that we've been at the war he figures he's gonna gobble us

Take our soldier boys, pick his teeth with their bones.

Oh, that son of a bitch.

Well, I'll tell you though, as sure as the moon

is made of Green Cheese, he has not reckoned with

The United States of America, no, siree.

I mean not only we gonna give him hell

we gonna give him entire gesture

- 'Yes.' - Yes, indeed.

And you know something else? When he looks around for some

bi-carbonate we're gonna spike him with good old American..

[all cheering]

Not till he cries Uncle Sam's he's gonna find any relief.

And then, we're gonna sit him to bed without his supper

so, he won't over dose no more.

[applauding and cheering]

Now, Mr. Candide suppose we can get to the point of all this.

The point is in order to stop this war we need some money.

I mean Uncle Sam can't do it by himself.

- Indeed he can't. - No, sir.

He's gonna rely on us good folks to do our share.

I'm gonna do mine...by buying $1000 worth of Liberty Bonds.

Well, hear, hear.

That's provided if my good friend here loan me the money.

Well, a lot of our sentiments, sir, we're gonna be only

too happy to lend you that money.

Well, good, I'm glad to hear that.

I'd like to take in small bills.

Uh, well, you have until July 15th to purchase those bonds.

What's that?

Well, we can't do business hastily.

Well, I wanted to start as soon as I possibly could, I..

- Are you a patriot? - Oh, indeed, I am, sir.

La Follette. Now, wait isn't that German name?

No, no, it's a French.

I executed a man not too long ago

named La Follette and he was a German--

- Mr. Candide-- - German Jew.

He said hail to the Kaizer before I threw the switch.

That's enough. That is enough.

Now, that kind of talk doesn't cut any ice around here.

We're only too happy to process anybody's loan

but there is a great deal of paper work involved

and uh, well, what about collateral?

Collateral? Well, I'm glad you asked me that.

I certainly am because I knew you was a man of action.

Yes, well, you see, securities have to be verified..

Well, now, what are these? Are these personal references--

No, no, that is my collateral.

You see, each one of these names represents the condemned men

waiting to be executed over death row at Fairweather prison.

They're with a $100 a piece, There are seven names with $700.

Wait there's more, over here at Portsmouth prison there's

another five names, that's another $500.

Over to the bet, there was four names at last count

that's four hundred dollars, that's $700, $500, $400

all together that's about 15--

- It's 16 - Oh, thanks, $1600.

You got a smart son there.

'$1600 against the 1000 you'll be loaning yours truly.'

Listen if you wanna check on it, just get on the phone

call Warden Brodski over Fairweather prison.

Here is Warden Clambert from Portsmouth prison

and right over here is the superintendent.

Oh, Mr. Candide.

Are you serious?

Would I lie? I don't joke a about person's life.

You can't expect us to accept these goddamn men as security.

I don't know why not, as far as you're concerned there's no

risk, I'm not sure one or two will get committed

to life sentence but there's always more.

As far as I'm concerned there's no risk.

I just get the little buggers, I'd snap them right

on the chair, get 'em in their snug as a bug and I'd tell them

daddy's gonna give them a farewell, then I go out

to my my generator is and I rev it up and I get her to purr

like an easy woman on a busy night, I give her a kiss

for luck and let her rip, and Nelly reliable gets hot.

- Reliable. - 'My chair.'

My electric chair.

More than happy to, Mr. La Follette.

It's always a pleasure to see an ex-convict

rehabilitate himself like Jonas has.

Yes, well, thank you, bye-bye.

I swear..

I ain't written my name so many times since I hit the teacher.

You didn't tell me you had a record in prison.

Oh, you mean, the three years that I did.

Well, I paid my debt to society. I got out for good behaviour.

Be that as it be, It's not the policy of this bank to lend

money to persons of questionable character.

Wait, I ain't no--

Sorry. It's not good business. You can put that money back.

Just a second, you gonna get me mad--

Look. There are other banks in this canyon.

- Now, you try to see things-- - Wait, come on back here.

Now, just a second, I wanted..listen.

You're gonna have to leave now, Mr. Candide.

Wait, just a second. Can't we just talk this over?

[screaming]

Don't get me wrong. This is not a holdup. I just want my money.

You've seen the papers, they're signed, I got everything.

This whole thing is getting out of hand.

[gun shot]

[women screaming]

Oh, balls.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chattering]

[music continues]

Stanley Mae, you gotta let me in, I got to see Gundred.

I don't have any money. This is a matter of human concern.

Stanley Mae..

[dramatic music]

(Guard) 'Night, Jonas.'

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

'Gate one, damnation, he did?'

Yes, sir.

[music continues]

Light 'em up. The girl escaped.

[siren blaring]

[indistinct]

Go. Go.

Go, go, go. C'mon, go.

- Goddamn, who let him in there? - Move it, move it.

[indistinct]

[siren blaring]

Get out and do something. Get out.

[dramatic music]

Jonas, where are we going?

- Where are we going? - I'm-I'm going to be liable.

There's no time.

I ain't gonna leave you for the enemy.

But what are you going to do as of now?

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- 'There's no time, Jonas.' - 'Gundred, please.'

Being reliable is the only things I've got in this world.

Wait right here, I'll be right back.

Jonas. Jonas, you're crazy!

[dramatic music]

Sorry, gentlemen, times up. I gotta get my chair.

- What's the matter? - We din't finish it.

[engine revving]

[indistinct chatter]

Gundred, go back there!

(male #1) 'Alright now, we got you.'

(Male #2) 'Hold it right there, Jonas.'

Every time, every time.

That's it.

- Stay right there where you is. - Stay where you is.

[dog barking]

I knew it, I knew it!

'I just knew it.'

I knew you wouldn't leave without her.

'I just knew it.'

Guard, get away from him.

Jonas, you are a constant disappointment to me.

Cuff him, if he moves shoot him.

[sighs]

How many?

- Gaylord? - Jonas?

Sorry, Jonas.

I'm surprised at you.

Did they teach you that in the book the-the..

[footsteps approaching]

Morning, Jonas.

Morning, warden.

Reverend.

Well, warden it looks like you're losing one of your flock.

I'm really sorry about it, Jonas.

I mean, that's the honest truth.

I want you to know, you're the best executioner we ever had.

Yeah.

I think little Jim is gonna do a pretty good job though.

I hope.

You got a last request, Jonas.

Baiju, you do a good clean job, you hear?

Yes, sir.

I want you to take it off now.

Want you to take every bit of it.

Every last bit of it off, you understand?

(Baiju) 'Yes, sir.'

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

"He leadeth me besides the still waters.

"He restoreth my sou--"

Gaylord, Gaylord, please.

- And these.. - Thank you, Devon.

- Is it time already? - Don't worry about a thing.

I'm expecting the cavalry any minute.

Don't say what, your lawyer ain't here.

C'mon, Jonas.

Hey, Nash.

Hi, Drew.

Well, now, I haven't seen you in a month this Sunday.

I have been countin' the days.

- I bet you have. - You should have took the rope.

I would have been at the other end.

I sure would've liked to seen you at the other end..

...kickin'.

Well, just get your dreary ass over there before

we start draggin' it forcibly.

No.

Hello, doc.

- You're lookin' good. - Thank you, Jonas.

- Everything all set. - Yeah.

Let's go.

No, Jimmy. Jimmy, wait a minute, now.

The chest wrap is first, you know that.

I'll unleash you on the poor unsuspecting criminals of this

state or I'd have my head examined.

Who's gonna take care of the body?

You're kiddin'?

(Jimmy) 'His name is, Laiman'

Hi, Laiman.

Lookin' at me like he's hungry.

Hey, Jimmy..

...What would you say if I were to tell you that I was nervous?

About the fields of ambrosia.

Did I say the fields of ambrosia?

Did I say the fields of amb..

Did I say the fields of Ambrosia?

I did.

My Goddamn it.

You know, the warden told me to stop talking about it

because the last time I did a guard begged me to fry him too.

Since I mentioned him 'em wouldn't be befitting

if I didn't tell you about 'em.

The fields of ambrosia was a place that only the Greeks knew.

Homer and Hamlet, men like that.

I ain't seen 'em myself naturally, but a deceased

client of mine told me about it.

Will-Willy was his name.

Can you remember, Willy?

Well, anyway, I got a chance to talk to Willy

through this medium.

And Professor Sark, Professor Sark was this fella's name.

He worked in a carnival and when this carnival hit town

a few days after I fried Willy he said

Jonas come on over to my tent

I got somebody who wants to talk to you.

I went over to his tent I walked in and he was sitting over there

and he started muttering these strange incantations.

I never heard anything like it. Woo-o-o-o.

Woo-o-o-o.

And just about that moment..

...I heard Willy talkin' to me and he was sayin'

"Jonas..

...thank you, Jonas.

"I'm in the fields of ambrosia."

And you should've heard him.

You should've heard him tell me about that place.

Green fields and..

rolling hills and trees, groves of trees.

You could pick the fruit right off the tree.

And, if you'd ever get thirsty you just wave your hand

in the air and you come up with a goblet

filled full of nectar.

Have any of you ever had any nectar of God?

It ain't likely that you would have

because only people that's dead and gone

to that place get it, but you know, Willy told me, he said

"Jonas, this nectar is better than the best whiskey

"you ever tasted."

Wait, wait, wait, don't forget the salt solution.

Sure.

And..

...and there was more.

He said that the day would change color

depending on your mood.

And the sun glowed soft and sweet smelling like

a lady's hair, and when night came you go to sleep

and you just dream long enough ready to get up in the morning

ready to catch the sun.

It was sounds all around, as I remember. Laughing sounds.

[Jonas laughing]

You can seek it out, you'd look for the sounds.

And you'd see these beautiful women sittin' by the stream

naked, like in French paintings that hang on museum walls.

And they'd see you and they'd say

Oh, come on over here, come on over here.

They don't turn you away, don't care what you done

in this here life.

Come on, Jimmy. Thank you.

[melancholic music]

(Jonas) 'Go on.'

'Go on, it's alright.'

'All those ladies sit you down..'

'...feed you grape, sing you a song.'

'And they'd ask you to...make love to them.'

'And all the while they'd be saying'

"Jonas..

"...I want you to stay here with me..

...forever."

(Jonas) 'So long, Doc.'

So long Malcolm.

(Jonas) 'I'll send you a post card from the fields of ambrosia'

So long, Gundred.

Hello-o-o, Willy. Hello, Willy!

Fry me, kid. Fry me while I'm hot.

[buzzing]

[grunting]

[crowd gasps]

[buzzing continues]

[whirring]

[popping]

[crowd gasping]

[women screaming]

[alarm ringing]

[indistinct]

[indistinct]

[screaming]

[neighing]

[alarm ringing]

[explosion]

[fire crackling]

[instrumental music]

Congratulations.

Best of luck, you know.

You've got to be joking.

They didn't give you life.

99 years of all those women.

(Jimmy) 'Well, you never can tell about these things.'

- I'd rather fry. - Oh, no more frying.

As a matter of fact, I'm getting gas.

Gas?

Poison gas. It's the latest thing.

They're using it in the trenches.

Marvelous.

You gotta keep up with the times.

That's what I would say.

[orchestral music]

[music continues]