Original subtitles

It was Christmas Eve, babe.

In the drunk tank, an old man said to me,

won't see another one.

And then he sang a song.

The rare old mountain dew, I turned my face away.

Hey, this one looks good.

What in the fires of Olgard y'all think you doing? Hey, Captain.

We're just, uh, have you ever heard of Christmas?

What? Well, it's a celebration we have once a year on Earth where everybody

gets presents for each other.

So, me and Kraglin made this tree, and we got gifts for everyone.

It was Pete's idea.

Uh-huh.

And this one here's for you.

Don't come at me with no damn gifts.

What a Ravager gets, he works for.

We ain't about no damn handouts.

It's more like a sign of appreciation.

That sounds more like sentiment, boy. That may be okay for you mushy types on

Terra, but out here in the cold rigors of space is what'll get you killed.

And you.

You ought to know better.

Now, get this crap out of here. If it ain't out of here before I get back, you

both gonna be cleaning the latrines for the rest of the damn year.

But that's Jeff's favorite job.

You talking back now, Kraglin?

No.

I hate Christmas.

And that's how Yondu ruined Christmas forever.

That is so sad.

I like the part where Yondu kicked over the tree.

Anyways,

I just saw on the multi-calendar that right now on Earth it's almost Christmas

time. So, yeah, it kind of brings back some memories.

Yondu had a point.

Ever since buying Nowhere from the Collector.

We don't have time for trivialities like Christmas.

This place needs a lot of fixing up before it's livable.

Yeah, I reckon we got work to do.

Yeah.

That was such a heartbreaking story. I know.

I hate stories where everybody lives.

Cosmo, what use is telekinesis if you can't even aim?

You wanna do it?

Do it!

Just concentrate, you stupid mutt.

What? I refuse to do any more work while you demean me. Alright, alright.

I'm sorry.

Chill out.

Also, I want one of those delicious treats in that bag.

That's it. Back to work.

Here he comes.

Hey, Peter.

Hi, Beezer. Make it talk-a-luck.

My bandmates and I have been mastering these old Earth instruments and working

on a little ditty, and I thought you might be able to help us out as it's

about one of your Earth traditions.

Oh? Christmas.

Oh. Everything I know about Christmas I learned from Rocket, who learned from

Cosmo, who learned from Kraglin.

who learned from you, so I thought I might just take it back to the source

and make sure I understand this all correctly.

This is, after all, a historical document.

Okay, yeah, sure. Okay.

Out on the third planet, closest to the sun, there's a special celebration, and

it sounds quite fun.

A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone on a holiday they call

Christmas. That's perfect. Good. Easier. Good job. Now, I'm not gonna lie, it

makes no sense to me.

but here's what i've discovered about this christmas mystery i'm super busy is

this is this a long song santa is a furry freak with epic super

powers he flies to every human home in under 14 hours

He's a master burglar no a pro at picking locks No, if you don't leave

milk and cookies out he will put dung in your socks That is not part of the lore

at all if you act nicely through the night and don't jump on your bed

Santa comes with sugar plums and hurls them at your head.

But if you're on his naughty list, he shoots missiles at your toes.

He might just roast your chestnuts with his powerful flamethrower.

No! He doesn't have a flamethrower. Rain, rain, rain, rain, rain.

That's kind of cool.

Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.

I don't...

Christmas is, but Christmas time is here.

He's compelled his creepy elves to do his every wish.

Once ought to be a dentist, now he's sleeping with a fish.

Mrs. Claus, she works the pole and plans her man's demise.

Soon the elves will all rise up and stab out Santa's eyes.

That's true.

And who lit up that deer?

I don't know what Christmas is, but Christmas time is here.

I don't know what Christmas is, but Christmas time is here.

Or maybe it's there.

It's somewhere.

I don't know.

You just got these instruments?

Thank you, nowhere!

Have you ever seen a crowd more into it?

He loved it, guys.

It sounds like Christmas is a wonderful time, and you only ruined it for Peter.

I feel like I should do something.

Why? Because of, you know, my secret.

The one only you know.

That you ate the entire bowl of zargnuts in the commissary?

My other secret.

That you're Quill's sister?

Why don't you just tell people the truth?

Peter's father, our father, killed his mother and tried to kill him.

I don't want him to be reminded of that every time he sees me.

No, I meant about the zargnuts.

Oh, I don't think anyone cares about that but you.

Maybe because I'm his sister, I feel like I should give Peter a happy

Christmas. He's so sad about Gamora being gone.

Maybe if we gave Peter a really wonderful Christmas gift, it would make

him happy.

Well, we could give him those Zognuts, except you ate them all. Get over the

Zognuts!

What kind of present?

Something special he will never forget.

What about someone special?

What? Over the years, Kul has talked about one person more than any other.

A legendary hero who has saved countless lives. We could give him the Quill as a

present.

I'll be dead by Christmas now, Annie.

Kira, hey, honey.

Hey, baby.

I can't wait for you guys to get back from New York. Did you get the stuff?

Yep. Yeah, I got all the presents.

Everything is set for the perfect family Christmas.

Wow.

I wonder which one belongs to Kevin Beak.

Trax? Why are they staring?

You put the cloaking device on like you said you did, right?

Yes.

I can plainly see that you just did it right now in front of me.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

I wish I brought Groot.

So? We'll go down into the city and ask people where Kevin Bacon is.

Do you think Kevin Bacon is the leader of the world or just of most people?

I think everybody is. Oh, I'm so excited!

Why is he running away?

I don't know.

Hey!

No! I'm sorry! Gobot's killing his cousin!

I'll rip your head off!

Trax! Stop being a bigot!

Oh, hey, can we get a picture?

Come on, guys.

Ready?

Okay, amazing. Thank you so much.

We got a picture with the God of War.

Give us your finest libations.

Have you seen Kevin Bacon anywhere?

Why would I know where Kevin Bacon's located?

Come out and dance with us.

Dancing is for people who are pathetic.

Well, how about a drink then? Yes.

Two shots and a kill, please.

I can't believe not a single one of our new homies know where Kevin Bacon is.

There are tens of thousands of people on this planet, and we don't even know what

Kevin Bacon looks like.

You want to know where Kevin Bacon lives?

It's 40 bucks.

Uh-oh.

I don't know where my money is.

Give it to me for free.

Give me all your money.

Drax! Move faster!

It won't be exactly the same as the one you have on Earth, but I'm sure it'll

serve you.

Good, good.

I'd like to get going and have the toy shop operating so as I can return to

Earth for Christmas.

You know, Mrs. Claus is a very good-natured woman, but Santa Claus, you

will never return to Earth.

Yeah, can I help you?

Yes.

We're looking for the legendary Kevin Bacon. We're looking for the legendary

Kevin Bacon. I just said that, Drax. Your voice is small and mousy. I think

maybe he didn't hear you. He heard. He's Kevin Bacon. He's probably got great

ears. I'm sorry, guys. I can't help you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

He's gone.

Look what you did.

You acted weird and you made him not want to talk to us.

I'm sorry.

You think you can toss me over the gate if you... What

are you doing?

Tossing you over the gate.

I didn't mean right that second.

I was ready.

I wasn't even done talking.

Toss you over the gate. Don't toss you over the gate. Make up your mind.

Whoa.

I want this funny man.

Don't just take stuff.

But I guess that's what it's here for.

Okay, guys, I don't know what you're thinking, but this is not cool. This is

private property. Now, kindly put down my elf and my candy cane and go.

I'm calling the police right now.

911,

what's your emergency?

You're coming with us as a Christmas present.

911, can I help you?

No.

There's two?

I don't know what they are. People in costumes?

I want an alien for Christmas. Bring me an alien this year.

I want a little green guy about three feet high.

With 17 eyes, with bells how to fly. I want an alien for Christmas this

year.

I left my little funny man back in the house. What?

I want to go back and get him. But Kevin Bacon is going to get away.

But you still have your swirly red and white curly man. How can you possibly

think this is a man?

What is it?

I don't know.

A shape?

Well, how is it fair you get to keep it and I don't? Because I was responsible

and held on to it.

Drax, do you love Peter and want a safe Christmas?

Or do you want a little funny man?

A little funny, ma'am. No!

Mr.

Bacon, is that your 911 call?

You've got to get these things away from me. Hello?

Hey, I'm a police officer. I don't know what's going on here, but you need to

back up or I'll shoot.

Raise your hands above your head.

Stop.

Stop, you tickle.

I'm going to pee my pants.

Bee.

Well, how am I supposed to know the rules if no one tells me?

Are you

okay?

We are not doing anything wrong.

We are just taking the legendary hero, Kevin Bacon, to give him as a present to

our friend, who is sad about Christmas.

Okay.

wanted this, but we're even now, okay?

Sure.

That doesn't look like a man to you, does it?

A man?

No.

Of course not.

My friend is being an idiot.

You would love to come with us.

Hey, where we going first there Are

you

friends with the Fonz the Fonz Fonz he's a hero like you Have the two of you

ever had a team up? Oh, oh, well, the Fonz's real name is Henry Winkler. Yeah,

I do know him. He's a very nice guy. Would you consider grabbing dinner,

like, one time, a team up?

No.

Eating together is not a team up. Tell us, what was it like when you had to

save a small town by dancing like an idiot?

Oh, well, that wasn't me. That was a character that I played, Red McCormick,

in the movie Footloose.

What?

What about when you fought and defeated this super strong masked killer Jason

for he's in the woods. Yeah Nope again, not me this character I played and he

didn't actually kill Jason. He got stabbed through the neck with an arrow

He's

an actor he's never actually saved anyone but actors are repugnant I know.

They make me feel gross and creepy when they pretend to be someone else. Oh, no,

no. Acting is a wonderful profession.

You don't get to live just one life. You get to live so many lives. We got Quill

the worst gift ever.

A disgusting actor.

This is the worst day of my life.

We ruined Christmas worse than Yondu.

Peter was a child when he left Earth. His memories all screwed up.

He doesn't remember things right.

Kevin Bacon, you have to pretend you're an actual hero or else Christmas is

doomed.

Blimey, mate.

I can't wait to storm them Nazis on the beach.

What are you doing?

I'm a hero, ain't I, then? I'm a private in the British Army during World War II.

No, just your regular voice.

Oh, okay. Yeah, sure, fine.

Hello, I'm the Batman.

I mean, hello, I'm Bruce Wayne. Who is Bruce Wayne?

No, don't be someone else. Be Kevin Bacon, but like if you didn't suck.

That's so weird.

Because like normally, it would really piss me off, but I don't know.

Right now, for some reason, I just feel really great about all this.

I remember

dreaming

Wishing

Christmas time has come.

There'll be toys for everyone.

Cause Christmas time has come.

And now the word is given It's time to peek

inside It's time to let in the toys I'm so

anxious for Yeah, look out your... Merry Christmas, Peter!

For me, and Drax, and, you know... All

of us, really.

You guys!

What did you do?

has come for you.

Hey, guys,

I'm about to pass out. There's no air in here.

Ta-da!

You must be Pete.

Merry Christmas!

It's Kevin Bacon.

He's not a loser. He's great. We don't hate him at all.

What'd you do?

What? What did you do?

We got you Kevin Bacon as a present? You got me a human being as a present? What

better gift for the guy who has everything than an actual human living

person? This isn't a Christmas gift. This is...

This is human trafficking!

Yes! It was mostly Drax's idea.

It was.

Hey, Pete, I gotta stick up for these guys because, to tell you the truth, I

am totally stoked about the whole thing, man.

You used your powers on him, didn't you?

Maybe. I can't remember.

Get Kevin Bacon out of the trance now!

Just be what you really are.

Dude, calm down. I'm not gonna hurt you.

That's a talking raccoon.

I'll kill you! Don't ever call me that!

Whoa!

Craglin, prepare the bowie for his transport back to Earth.

Aye, Captain.

Mr. Bacon, I am so sorry. This is really embarrassing. I know you're worried

sick, and your family is, too. We're gonna get you back home immediately. I

am rude.

Oh, suddenly you thought it was a bad idea all along. I'm Groot. Dude, I

literally just saw you wheel him out in front of everybody.

I'm going to let you go, Kevin Bacon.

Don't run.

You're not going to run. No, no, no.

Go get Kevin Bacon.

I've got it.

Don't kill him.

Hey, that man was a plant.

Oh, Groot's just a kid.

Sorry about all this stuff.

What's that on your head?

That is a device for controlling a flying arrow, but I ain't quite got the

hang of it yet.

I know this must all be a shock to you, but it's only because you mean a great

deal to Pete that they've done it.

Pete didn't have much to love growing up, but one thing he did love was

telling us all stories about you.

Me?

You saved a town through dancing.

And once Pete saved the whole galaxy with dancing. For real.

You taught him how to be a hero.

And now he might just be the greatest hero alive.

Manton, these dopes, they was just hoping you'd bring the joy of Christmas

back into his heart is all.

How on earth do you get reception up here?

A couple of good satellite dishes out front will get you anything within about

400 million light years.

Hi, honey.

Baby, are you at the house? Yeah, no, I'm just with some friends.

Oh, okay. Well, what time do you think you'll be home?

Hey, would it be okay if I'm just a little bit late?

I got some friends here that...

Kinda need to learn about Christmas.

and here it is christmas time will you stop by for a piece of

delicious peach pie while i tell you my yuletide wishes you can help me

do the dishes cause here it is christmas time and we all want someone

who will love us and hold us to curl up

alongside

When nights are the coldest and we all want someone

who will hug us and kiss us.

All I want is you for Christmas.

Let us examine the holiday spirit.

Let the small kids sing so we can all hear it. Light up a fire and pull the

chair near it.

What keys are on?

Merry Christmas.

Christmas.

When we are born, we are swaddled and snuggled, whispered to, fussed over,

tickled and cuddled. And when we grow up, things get muddled. And here it is

Christmas time.

And we don't want someone who will love us and hold us

to curl up alongside.

When nights are the coldest And we all want someone

Who will hug us and kiss us

All I want is you for Christmas

All I want is you for Christmas All I want is you

for Christmas

Best Christmas ever. Oh, come on, bring it in.

Okay, all right.

Love you guys.

We love you, Kevin Bacon. Bye, Kevin Bacon. Bye, Kevin Bacon. Bye, Bacon.

Bye, Bacon.

We love you, Kevin Bacon.

Hey, I'll see you at Easter.

Wow. I guess all actors aren't complete pieces of shit.

i can't believe you guys did all of that for me i mean why why what why

would you go to the trouble of going all the way to earth to abduct kevin bacon

craggling told us the story about how yonder ruined christmas so we

wanted to save it for you i'm not sure craiglin knows how that

story ended

That is so sweet.

As y'all do.

I guess I just wanted to do something special for you, because...

Well... What?

Your father, Peter.

He might be... Ego?

He might be what?

He might be... He is... My father, too.

Wait, so does that make you my sister?

Mantis, that's the greatest Christmas gift I could ever get.

Merry Christmas, Mantis. Merry Christmas,

Peter.

I could have been someone.

Well, so could anyone.

You took my dreams from me when I first found you.

I kept them with me, babe.

I put them with my own.

Can't make it all alone.

I built my dreams around you.

And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day.

Thank you.

Now we gotta have another special