Original subtitles

Oh, yeah.

First of all, you're in my childhood home.

We're in my living room,

where religious exorcisms occurred.

Fuck Jane Choe.

The kitchen is where

I saw my mom and dad fighting.

Upstairs is probably where I was conceived.

And I'm like, wouldn't it be great

to have Steve‐O come in and just destroy my house?

I don't know that I'd want to do that.

Right, but in my mind, this is where I'm going to,

and I go, "A little boring."

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ Go out tonight ♪

♪ Leave all our bad blood behind ♪

♪ Forget all our past troubles ♪

♪ Let's try not to fight ♪

♪ Baby, we should just start over ♪

♪ We've got no ch‐‐ ♪

Wow.

Heh. I feel pretty cool.

When was the last time you wore like a suit?

I...

Maya has that Asian bowl haircut

that every Asian kid has growing up.

‐Oh...my... God. ‐I know.

How did you not tell me? Your hair, your hair.

‐I hate it. ‐Why‐‐

She's brilliant, she's witty,

she makes me laugh so much.

When I watch her on that show Pen15,

I feel like she sees me. I've seen each episode

multiple times and I never do that.

I haven't worn a suit with a tie recently,

but I wore a suit like maybe a month ago.

I like suits.

Yes.

‐Yeah, dude. ‐Heh. Oh, my God.

‐STEVE‐Come here! Heh. ‐How's it going?

How does it feel for you to see me like this?

Like I'm staring...

at myself.

Actually, at like maybe...

‐I should've shaved. ‐At 80.

It's like as if like I had grown a beard.

But you never let go of the hairstyle?

No. I'm looking at my younger self

if she let her hair grow on her face.

So I'm like, "Fuck, Steve‐O's coming on our show today.

What hasn't this guy done?"

Steve‐O once told me that he would get hurt

on purpose so that he could be with his mom

who was a nurse at the hospital.

I do that same thing every time

I commit career suicide.

‐ ‐I just want to see

if anyone cares.

You're my favorite member of Jackass.

I've watched Wild Boys, I've watched all your videos.

You know, I've read your book.

I mean, concerning pain,

blood, hurt‐‐ you've done it all.

So if you're open, let's go, let's go in today.

‐Sounds good to me, man. ‐Let's go inward.

Are you relaxed right now?

I don't seem it, do I?

‐No, I'm just asking. ‐I am. Heh.

I'm stressed out, actually. Fuck. Heh.

‐Tell me. ‐It's the General Anesthesia Olympics.

I'm going to try and bicycle really fast

like right after having drugs put into an IV.

Skateboard, long jump,

all while going completely unconscious. Heh.

You're very sweet. You're very nice.

‐I could see you yelling at people though. ‐

‐Never wanted to be... ‐I want you to be fucking happy!

I'm both ends of the spectrum, I think.

I'm very particular, so like if I know

something that I like, I kind of just,

I'm like an arrow that's just like,

"I will keep going until this lands."

And who's like that? Your mom's like that? Your dad's like that?

Like, I think they're both like that in different ways.

My dad's a jazz musician, so he's...

He knows what he wants, but he's lost in his world.

Like, I feel like he's always in his head composing,

and, you know, not fully listening to what I'm saying.

Papa!

Papa. Oh...

That explains a lot.

STEVE‐ Dad's side of the family is

all white picket fence‐‐ sort of theologians,

PhDs, colonels and like high honor, high academia.

Mom's side of the family, less so.

Her side of the family is charisma and sense of humor...

Most people, when I ask them who they are,

first answer is their job.

"I'm an accountant," "I'm a racecar driver."

Okay, that's what you do, but‐‐

Yeah, the first thing I thought of was

just say, "I'm an attention whore."

STEVE‐ If I were to define my purpose

as it's been characterized by my experience,

then I am an attention whore.

Would you define what you do on Jackass

and Wild Boys and your own DVDs

as a clown, a daredevil, a stuntman?

STEVE‐ We can say physical comedy,

like however you want to describe the art...

‐Well, that's how I would define it. ‐Sure.

Like the stuff you've done in Jackass,

the stuff you've done in your own life,

is more conceptual, more daring, more brave

than most paintings and most painters.

Like, that's artistry, to me.

What is it like

to be raised by an abstract artist?

I think he thought I would go the music route,

but, like, I was always pretending.

I was always in pretend worlds talking to myself,

and I remember my mom,

she would film me all the time,

and I'd be like, "Don't do that!

No cam‐‐!"

Like, I'd get so upset.

That, to me, was a violation

of my, like, magical pretend space.

What's great about it is that

I was supported in whatever I did.

If I wanted to like dance like this,

‐for, you know, hours... ‐Right.

...they'd be like, "That's great, do that."

‐Did you do that? ‐I did.

That was how I danced.

I was like so free as a kid,

and I would just open my, like, vagina to people

and just show‐‐ Be like, "What is this?"

‐What, like last year? ‐No! As a three‐year‐old.

‐Oh, as a three‐year‐old. ‐You know, as a kid.

But I was just like, you know, sittin' on grass,

naked, and other Asian parents would be like...

‐"No! No! Maya, no!" ‐Right...

And my parents were just like, "It's fine," you know.

And then somewhere along the way,

I got really in my head,

and I became a warrior, and I became a perfectionist.

And I was called a whiner a lot.

I would raise my hand a lot and ask questions,

and people would make fun of me.

Farthest back as I can remember,

there's always been some kind of deficiency

or an anxiety or a feeling

of not fitting in and not being a part

of the whole thing.

Dad was super successful.

I didn't get a lot of attention.

I spoke my first words in Portuguese

because I was raised by live‐in maids.

You could say that I was straight‐up neglected

‐by my parents, you know. ‐I will say that.

‐You were neglected. ‐STEVE‐Yeah.

I was abandoned because I was left...

‐...but it's‐‐ ‐Right.

It's almost colder when they're there.

‐They're there! ‐Right. Heh.

Your parents are there, and they're like,

‐"Who is this guy?" ‐Right, and I don't know.

And again, it's not good or bad, it's just what is.

But I think that my tendencies to be an attention whore

are not a mystery, I think that

there's like‐‐ I lacked attention as a child.

‐Issues around abandonment... ‐

...certainly have driven me

to, uh, seek to abandon

before I'm abandoned.

And I think I've chose partners

based on not being able to be hurt by them.

People who I know I can hurt

rather than they hurt me.

Hurt me. Hurt me. Hurt me.

♪ Allows me to be shameless ♪

So talking about this shame stuff,

and being open and wanting to be free with my body,

but then when I started masturbating from a young age,

instantly, I felt like that was not okay.

How old were you? When did it start?

I was like 12.

I even orgasmed from it.

‐It was a very powerful experience. ‐Wow.

I was like, this is the most magical thing.

I will never stop doing this.

Like I just had this feeling down there,

and I was like, instinctually,

I know I must go and touch that.

But then immediately after that pleasure,

‐or wrapped up in it, was shame. ‐Mm‐hmm.

I just figured it was something bad.

It was something with my body, it was my private space. I‐I‐‐

I just felt like a pervert. I felt like a monster.

I thought what I was doing was so shameful,

and I would wash my hands religiously.

I'd put on pigtails and try to be a baby

in front of my family.

‐Mama? ‐Mm‐hmm?

Arigato.

Why are you talking like that?

To me, it was like becoming a woman,

but I wasn't ready for that

because being a young, cute kid

equals love.

I would tape down my‐‐

I had like buds, I didn't have boobs‐‐

but I would tape those down.

'Cause I felt so, like they were so ugly.

I really think it's about feeling

like I wasn't loveable if I was a sexual person.

Even to this day, I think I struggle

with, my sexuality, feeling fully free in it,

because no one talked about sex at that age.

Uh, women is a kind of creature

who can create other creatures.

No other girl talked about masturbating...

‐Yeah. ‐...so I just had labeled myself

as a criminal. I was like,

"I'm gonna go to jail for this."

You deserve it.

Nobody had addressed this topic,

so I didn't know what it was.

And that mystery just seemed to be something bad.

‐I pretended like I was getting intimacy... ‐Right.

...but I felt completely disconnected

from people I was having sex with.

STEVE‐ Chasing random chicks around,

hooking up with different women all the time,

I started to get scared about where that was going to lead me,

so I started by promising myself

no more fooling around.

And I just was unable to stop.

‐You promised yourself. ‐That's where‐‐

‐I promised myself. ‐And then you couldn't stop.

And then I couldn't stop.

Wounds bring trauma and drama. ‐They don't bring comfort. ‐Yeah.

If anything you're doing is coming out of a womb,

you know it by the result, which is drama and trauma.

I'm sure when you're sleeping with three to seven people,

the shock wasn't the stamina,

it was just dealing with all those people.

They bring drama and trauma

in your life, they don't bring comfort.

I feel like,

as I learn about your life,

that you're an extremely jealous person.

There's Knoxville, who's like, almost like the mafia guy,

with all his broken children‐‐ And there's Bam and...

Even though you guys are all doing the craziest shit,

there's like this feeling from, when I watch you,

like the annoying brother that's like,

‐"We'll let you play with us." ‐STEVE‐Right.

Right? But you're not one of cool ones.

‐Uh‐huh. ‐And I get that feeling and then when I‐‐

That's totally, I think, an accurate assessment,

and it's also, I think, very true.

There's a badass part of you,

like this guy will literally do anything,

but, in that, there's like a desperation

of just a sweet kid that just wants love.

All of this is just like outcry

‐of like, "Love me, just love me!" ‐Sure.

And it's like, I just want Steve to love himself,

‐you know, to care about himself. ‐Mm‐hmm.

You know that thing at school,

you're not considered cool or hot,

‐but then you go to another place... ‐Right.

...and all of a sudden, am I okay‐looking?

Like, this guy thinks I'm cute. It's just a whole different...

I've never experienced that, but...

‐ ‐...I'll take your word for it.

But it wasn't even that I was hot,

I just wasn't‐‐ You're not known from...

the parameters of the school, like you're not in that box.

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐You're in a different world...

so no one knows your personality,

no one knows what you're like and you're just...

instantly have a different game.

And then I didn't hook up with anyone until...

Greg, who was a jazz trumpet player at LACHSA.

‐Oh, wow. ‐And he was Mexican.

And that was my first boyfriend.

♪ Draw my gaze ♪

♪ Close my eyes ♪

♪ I couldn't look you in the eyes ♪

♪ Oh why do I feel like I'm all alone‐‐? ♪

‐ ‐STEVE‐I love it.

So what comes up for you...

‐...when you hear that? ‐Heh. So great.

Um, I went skydiving for my first time,

and as I promised myself,

I would never go skydiving unless I was jacking off

and blowing a load as I fell out of the airplane.

‐And you did it? ‐Yeah.

Skyjacking. Check.

What happens when you achieve skyjacking?

‐When you land on the floor... ‐I was fucking stoked.

...and you see it on camera, and you're like, "I did it."

‐Right. ‐And you're stoked.

How long does stoked last for?

I'm still pretty stoked about it.

‐ ‐Yeah.

Whenever I ask someone, "What's your greatest

wish or desire in life," they're like,

"I just want my parents to be proud of me."

Whee! Whee!

I don't know why we feel that. 'Cause...

people want their parents to be proud of them,

authentically, like for what they're authentically‐‐

‐Who they are, to see them. ‐Right.

Like this is who I am, this is what‐‐

‐Be proud of what this is... ‐Yes.

...not this projection that you want from me.

My mom, she is just‐‐ She is so proud of me,

but there is a side of her that's a little like...

When she sees me being lazy,

she thinks my works ethic isn't great,

but when I work, I'm a fuckin' workhorse.

‐So she, like, projects that? ‐Yeah, I think so.

‐Your mom has passed away... ‐Mm‐hmm.

...and she suffered from a lot of her own demons.

She suffered from alcoholism addiction,

and she had a brain aneurysm.

So what was her reaction

when you would do insane stuff

STEVE‐I honestly don't feel that my mom

ever really particularly worried about my safety

in any of the crazy stunts that I was doing.

I think that her concern,

more than anything, was how I would reflect on her

if I was to be a failure in life.

‐And she didn't see... ‐Wow.

‐That's heavy, man. ‐I mean, it's heavy...

‐and I just think it's true. ‐She doesn't even care...

about what you do, it's just how it reflects on her?

I'm not saying that she didn't care about me,

I just think that she was never really too worried

about me getting hurt.

‐I need you! ‐

I need you. I need you to be there for me.

‐Not like this. ‐

I can't do it alone!

And I mean, I guess it has something to do

with maybe she was a nurse,

and she brought me to the hospital enough times,

you know, when I was a child,

that, um...

Do you miss her?

STEVE‐ I wish, um, that she was around

to see how things turned out.

That's probably among the toughest things.

Your mom had a hard life?

Yeah.

I think she was called ugly as a kid.

‐Oh... ‐You know, like it was no big deal, but...

‐But it is. ‐It is, yeah.

She said she just accepted it as a reality,

‐like she didn't even... ‐Mmm...

And then, for me, I was called, yeah, ugly,

"an ugly bitch", heh, by a middle‐schooler.

Mmm.

They did a brain scan.

I did this really expensive brain scan,

and I did all these tests,

and they're asking me all these questions,

and they're like, "Your brain,

we're looking at the scans,

is of someone who's done a lot of meth,

and, you know, like you've fried

like all your serotonin, dopamine, it's like gone."

At my bottom, I was in Vegas‐‐

I have the penthouse suite at every hotel.

I was gambling with millions of dollars.

I can't sit in myself for one second.

So in my phone, I have Angry Birds, it just came out...

‐That app. ‐STEVE‐Sure.

And I had to get the high score in the world.

So I'm doing this, and I'm doing it so much

that my finger's starting to cut open.

And for 10 minutes,

I had the highest score in the whole world.

I beat every stage with just one bird, and I was like...

fucking whores, married women, offering people

that aren't prostitutes money to fuck them,

gambling, eating out of control,

room service, steak, lobster, steak, lobster.

There's no off button.

My hearing starts to go out,

my vision was getting blurry,

and I collapsed in my hotel room.

I found out later it was an angina attack,

like the beginning of a heart attack,

and, uh, I went back downstairs

and just started gambling again.

And‐‐ And‐‐

Gambling's pretty scary stuff.

For me, it's all gambling.

You drink and you get in a car?

That's gambling. You cheat on your wife?

That's gambling. When you risk your life,

that's gambling, so I'm a gambler.

I risk everything.

For those who know me,

for those who don't know me,

I've been emotionally unavailable

for over a decade.

When you think about

love, joy, sadness,

what part of your body does that come from?

Remember it feels here, yeah.

My brother says I'm hairy.

They're always like, "Shave your back."

And like, "Shave your face."

When I think about my career,

a lot of people helped me,

and one of the hardest things I have to deal with

is some of those people that helped me

are not healthy for me now.

What the fuck was the point of all of it for?

You brought me up, I looked up to you,

you were an inspiration to all of us!

You're beautiful, and you just have to know that

and it doesn't matter what they say.

And I hate that it hurts your feelings,

but those hurt feelings go away.

Feelings check!

Yeah, I get it.

Some of your pepperonis fell off

while you were fighting‐‐ so what?

‐Sew 'em back on! ‐You're talking to yourself.

Your sort of wounded child is still telling you like,

"I'm not doing good enough. I'm not all the way there yet."

You know, again, I really think your motto's gotta be like,

self‐compassion and self‐acceptance.

I'm Pizza Man!

I know, but when are you gonna stop being Pizza Man?

It's who I am.

Take your fucking mask off.

That's who the fuck you are.

You have the ability

to make things of incredible beauty,

that's you utilizing God's gift inside of you

to make something incredible and beautiful

and heart‐stopping and thought‐provoking.

Here's what I'll say. Just make sure

you're picking things that you feel...

so strong about, like in your whole body.

In your gut, you're just like, "Yes!"

Thank you.

You're welcome.

How do you feel?

Good. Heh.

‐You feel good? ‐Yeah.

How was that?

It was...

It felt emotional

just thinking of...

...the younger child.

But it also felt really nice.

I think I just felt emotional

thinking about how beautiful

everyone is as kids,

and how it can just...

Mm‐hmm.

Yeah, how the hurt can make us

so guarded and...

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐...scared.

‐ ‐How does it feel?

Whoo!

‐

Ow! Ow!

Ha‐ha! I win again! Heh.

Heh. I win! I win!

‐You win! ‐It's no fair! I win!

You gotta kill him!

I wanted to be fucking crazy and badass

because my heroes were crazy and badass.

And then that led me down a path of self‐destruction.

I meet kids now, they're like,

Dave, you did this, you did that,

and they worship that dark side of me,

and I'm not there anymore.

STEVE‐ You know, the first third of your life

is just straight for making mistakes.

The second third of your life

is for achieving shit.

And then the third third of your life

is for giving back.

‐You must be Pizza Man. ‐Okay.

You must take on the mantle of Pizza Man.

I will, I swear.

What I began to realize was that,

although I did put myself

in some destructive situations in the past,

I think the most destructive thing about it was

that I just felt bad about myself all the time.

And the shame aspect of it, I feel,

was the most destructive component.

Having compassion for yourself, accepting imperfection,

that you're perfectly imperfect.

It's not like expecting yourself to be perfect.

You're just being the bad parent yourself in a new way.

Everything I do now

is in the spirit of giving back.

Whether I know how to properly do that or not,

I'm figuring it out along the way.

What does it feel like

to have your parents proud of you...

...tell you that they love you

...and they accept you

and they love everything that you are

and everything that you do?

They'll always love you.

They'll always love you.

They'll always love you.