Original subtitles

You are here because I am.

I am here because I

am.

Yes? Yes, Hotel Anchovy.

Oh, Miss Whitney, long distance.

Who is it, Ethel? It's Mr. Kane, the hotel buyer.

Oh, yes. I don't want to talk to him. I want him to come here. Take his message,

will you?

Hello, Mr. Kane.

Miss Whitney isn't about.

May I take the message?

Tell Miss Whitney I'm arriving at 3.30 with authority to close the deal. Yes,

Mr. Kane.

He says he's arriving at 3.30 this afternoon.

Good. Oh, are you selling the hotel, Miss Whitney? If I don't, they'll take

it away from me. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm not. I'm up to my neck in debt. I have two buyers coming here this

afternoon, and if I can, I'll sell it.

Oh, Miss Whitney, those new managers are divine.

I've never laughed so much in all my life. I couldn't write for laughing.

But I thought you were leaving.

Leaving? We're just checking in for the rest of the season.

Thank you.

those ritz brothers they're hotel specialists i really hired them to keep

the guests from leaving until the buyers arrive by the way will you send the rest

brothers to me yes miss whitney come in come in

fine state of affairs i the manager has to knock at his own door

and me the detective and this the bellboy but gentlemen why did you knock

why will you have a sign there not before entering Gentlemen, you put it

there yourself. Yes, but that's not for us. Of course not. When you see us

coming, take it off and wrap it up and throw it away.

No, the sign.

But gentlemen, how am I going to know you're outside?

How? How?

How? How?

How? How?

How? How? How? How? How? How?

Listen,

gentlemen, I may sell this hotel today, but if I don't, my equity in it will be

foreclosed tomorrow.

Oh, I did it the old month days down the farm.

It's on the hotel.

Oh, the hotel.

But our contract is still good.

Yes. And for every guest that checks in the hotel, you pay us $100.

Yes. And for every guest who leaves the hotel, you lose $100. Is that clear?

Clear. But you'll have to warn us when a guest is leaving.

Ring the fire alarm.

They're not low. It's no fire.

busy boys they're 200 better get them before they change their mind

oh

good afternoon how are the mosquitoes this summer oh they're fine but we're

teaching the guests how to bite back that's super service funk um any

baggage lady i haven't got any baggage no baggage why we'll get you some

baggage follow me

Hello. May I have some ice water? Immediately.

Ice water?

Why, of course. For sure. It's coming right up. Yes, immediately.

Why are you dirty?

Oh, so the water's dirty.

Well, we wash it twice a day.

Those aren't my bags.

They're yours now. Super service.

My bags. My bags. They stole my bags.

How many bags did they steal? Two.

I'll bring you back four. Super service. Young man. Young man.

Manager!

That woman stole two of my bags. Yes, but lady, she had none of her own.

I've never been so insulted in my life. Call me a taxi and bring my bag. Yes,

but just a moment. Just a moment. Just a moment.

Are you checking out? No, no, no, no. No, you wouldn't.

Where's that hundred dollars? There.

Well, won't you reconsider?

No, I won't. Call me a taxi and get my bag.

What am I waiting for? Hey, hey. I've been so exhausted all my life.

I could do this all day.

I think I'll fail.

Yes, you will fail.

Hello, office.

Onamec Reservation, Saratoga.

Leading on track one, number four.

Yes, track one, number four. Okay.

Oh, Mr. Riff, gentleman 623 wants number four, Saratoga track one.

Well, he wants to make a bet, eh?

Ethel? Yes?

Man up in 623 wants to bet $100 on the first horse of fourth race in Saratoga.

Yes, sir.

Wait a minute. It must be a hot tip. You better bet $2 on it for me.

Guessing 623.

I'm checking out. How about my reservation to Saratoga? Oh, Mr. Ritz,

that number one horse is Saratoga 1. It's a 16 to 1. 16 to 1? What? Say, your

horse made you. My horse?

Yes. My horse. Don't give me that. Don't give me that. Well, fine.

I can stay another month.

I'm going to kill myself.

Hello? Let me have the office.

Manager speaking.

Harry, does suicide come under the head of super service? I'll say it does. Of

course. Well, come right up to 611.

We'll be right up.

Jimmy! Jimmy!

Jimmy!

Jimmy! Man of 611 committing suicide.

Let's find out how much he owes us.

no suicide.

Oh, the window.

He checked out. So they're checking out the windows now. There goes $100.

Well, come here, boys. Let's talk this over. You know there's too many windows

in this hotel.

Who's that? How should I know? I'm in here.

Come in.

Who are you? I belong here.

Super service bar.

Three times I jumped out of that window and still I'm here. Now I'm gone.

Wait a moment. Wait a minute. I'm back here.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Just sit down.

I told you I wasn't lying. He didn't check out, did you? No, I want to commit

suicide. Oh, suicide.

Well, well, here's something nice for your neck.

Oh, that's big enough for all of us.

Just a moment. I'll be right back.

I'll get something.

Hello? Poison squad.

Emergency in 611.

Now, look. Isn't this pretty?

No, it makes too much noise.

Can't stand noise? No.

Well, put a little cotton in your ears. No.

A little dash of ketchup.

A little dash of ketchup.

A little dash of mayonnaise.

A little dash of mayonnaise.

Say, how about an egg with that? An egg? Two eggs.

Oh, that's fine.

Well, of course. This is your drink.

How about a little boracic acid with a dash of lemon?

How about the scallops? You got that there?

You'll remember this drink. I guess you're right.

Yeah, $20. I'm checking out. That's right. Thank you. What's the matter? I'm

checking out. Please don't go.

Not a chance.

A customer.

Let's find it.

$200. I'm going to check. No, you don't.

Who's checking out?

Get him! Get him! Get him!

Well,

that entitles you to a week's free board at the hotel.

Do I get my old room back?

Well, we don't use old rooms here.

Not so good. Oh, that's too bad.

Say, tell me, why do you want junk?

Well, I lost my girl and I'm broke.

You're broke?

No, don't. Broke? Say, we can't have any guests here broke. Would $100 do you?

Say, that'd be marvelous. Well, that's fine. You can have it.

Here you are, sir. Are you sure there's $100 here? Why, I'm positive.

That's all I want to know.

That's all right.

Spare a dime, buddy? A dime?

Yes, sure.

Here you are, sir.

Change?

Don't come back tomorrow.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I've been robbed.

There's only 90 bucks there. 90 dollars? Yeah. You told me there was 100 there.

No, now just a moment. Now listen, I know my rights. Now don't get excited. I

want a detective.

I've been around. What do you want? I want a detective. I've been robbed. Now

please. Yes, now listen. Just supposed to be a reputable hotel.

That's the way you do it. You're a detective?

Yes. I've been robbed. This guy gave me 90 bucks. Now just a moment, please.

Yeah. Now you're a swindler. Never mind. I know the reason. Now just a moment.

Now why can't we make a settlement?

Well, all right. Say, for about $50.

But not in check. No, cash.

All right.

Here you are, sir.

And don't ever let this win again.

Oh, Mr. Ritz. Mr. Ritz.

All I hear all day is Mr. Ritz, Mr. Ritz.

Commencing tomorrow, I change my name.

Well, we'll have to call you something today. Yeah, but be careful what you

call me. It's starting tomorrow and nobody will know my new name. But I hope

I remember it.

This man is... Never mind that man. But this is... Mr. Cain. I don't know Mr.

Cain from Adam, even though he has his clothes on. And furthermore, Mr. Abel,

you'll have to take your feet off of my desk. Those are not my feet, sir. A

likely story.

Well, whose feet are they? They're your hands.

But Mr.

Cain is the hotel buyer.

Oh, the buyer. Well, Mr.

Cain, well, sit right down. Put your feet on the desk. Have a cigar. Make

yourself right at home.

But, Mr. Rich, you're in the hotel.

Oh, yes, the hotel.

Oh, yes.

Miss Whitney, I'm prepared to make an offer for the hotel.

I promised Mr. Pierce I'd wait till he arrived.

Do you expect him soon?

Any moment.

Pardon

me a

moment. Why, certainly.

Can you stand a shock? Well... Look.

Oh, terrible.

Now I am at the mercy of that Mr. Kane.

Say, what does this Pierce look like?

Well, he always smokes a big cigar. Big cigar. He has a big black mustache.

Big black mustache. And always wears a linen duster. Always wears a linen

duster. Is it him, Pierce?

Yes. Well, look.

That's him. But it isn't any use. He isn't coming.

Mr. Cain? Oh, we're wasting time, Miss Whitney. Now, listen.

How does $20,000 sound to you? Well, that's an insult, Mr. Cain. I paid $50

,000 for it. Well, times were different then. However, we won't haggle. Now,

listen. $25,000. That's my last and final offer.

Why, Mr. Pierce.

I heard that last offer was $25,000. Well, that's ridiculous.

Now, listen here.

This girl deserves a proper on this hotel.

Now, I'll make it $50,000.

I'll be right back.

Why he's crazy offering $50,000. That's a lot of money.

That's gigapede. That ain't gigapede.

How did you get over here? Never mind that. Let me tell you something about

the hotel.

You ain't be through.

You ain't be through.

$55,000 and I might be back.

You're crazy, Mr. Pierce. You're insane.

Mr. Kane.

What's your proposition?

Listen here, Mr. Pierce.

I made an offer of $25,000.

$25,000?

$26,000? I'm not a cent rich. Ah, now you're talking.

And I won't be back.

I don't understand. The bidding was up to $55,000.

Now, see here, Miss Whitney. I can't spend that kind of money. But I'll take

a desperate chance and say $56,000. Is that so? I'll make it $57,000.

You know, Harry, $58,000.

Yeah, $59,000.

60,000!

Miss Whitney, hi.

I feel a little faint. I could have sworn I saw three people in this room.

I'm going to talk to that fellow.

A fine pickle we're in.

Well, we only have Miss Whitney. Well, you both needed yourselves.

And furthermore, take those clothes off.

Wait outside for me. Let's call you. Yes, Mr.

Pierce.

I want to see Miss Whitney. Didn't I tell you to cut this out? Cut what out?

Do you know who I am? I hope I didn't. Tell Miss Whitney Mr. Pierce wants to

see her. Pierce? Yes.

Pierce? Yes.

E.L. Pierce?

Yes. Pierce?

Yes.

Look here, Pierce. I think you're crazy.

Who are you, sir? Well, I'll... Well, Latch, he don't even know me now.

Go away.

Is this Miss Whitney? Yes. I'm ready to talk business.

Now, Pierce, listen to me.

And remember, no more ridiculous bits. Go away, Miss Whitney. What is the

matter with this fellow?

Now, to get to the point, this place isn't worth $30,000.

Well, who said it was?

Well, can you beat that?

You've been bidding your head off all over the place just like a drunken

sailor. Go away.

Yes, you have.

I have? Yes. Please, let me explain.

Did you ever hear of a telephone? I get it.

Do you deny that you bid $60,000 for this hotel?

Paging Mr. Pierce.

Calling Mr. Pierce.

Telephone call, Mr. Pierce.

Excuse me. Right this way, Mr. Pierce.

Right this way, Mr. Pierce.

Hello? Hello, Mr. Pierce?

Yes, this is Mr. Pierce. Mr. Pierce, I represent the Daily Gazette. My paper

would like to know if you would judge a beauty contest this afternoon.

Beauty contest? Bah!

Bah!

Let me tell you, young lady.

Wrong number.

Now, listen, Pierce. When we left off, I'd gone as far as I intend to go. You

didn't go far enough.

But I bid $56,000. Well, she's entitled to a bigger profit than I'll pay her. Do

we close at $60,000?

Gladly, Mr. Pierce.

Well, let this be a lesson to you. Do you deny you're drunk?

Drunk? I do. I don't. I don't.

Aha!

Just as I thought. An imposter. You've been using him to bid me up. Please, Mr.

Pierce. Mr. Cain, I can explain.

You've got a lot of nerve to disdain me when I'm at a business conference.

Well, Miss Whitney, I'm waiting for your explanation.

Well, where were we?

You're an imposter.

You're no more genuine than your mustache.

What's the matter with my mustache? Why?

You're hiding me.

I wouldn't bid a nickel for this place. It's a madhouse.

Well, just a moment, Mr. Pierce. Sit right down. Now, Mr. Pierce, please, how

about you hang the hotel?

Not while I'm sober.

How about a drink?

Never tested drop in my life. Neither did we. Now, how about a scotch drunk?

A scotch drunk? Yes. It's free.

Sure. Sure.

What's your bid on the hotel?

$60,000.