Original subtitles

( squeaking and dark dramatic music )

( witch cackling )

( heavy breathing )

( coil springs squeaking )

Get in that bed!

It's too dark, I can't sleep.

Brian, do you know what time it is?

But there's a monster in here and he wants to get me.

If you don't lie down right now I'm gonna getcha!

Come on there.

Uncle Mike?

Sometimes Mommy tells me a story, will you tell me one?

No, not right now, Brian.

I hafta press the cat and vacuum the ceiling.

Maybe later.

Oh please, just one?

Brian.

Please?

All right, any story in particular?

Three Little Pigs?

Jack and the Beanstalk?

I don't care.

Um, Puss in Boots?

Rumpelstiltskin?

Whatever.

Princess and the Pea?

Ugly Duckling?

Sleeping Beauty?

If you like.

Brian, what story?

Hmm, why don't you make one up?

Alright.

( "Bedtime Tales" by Jeffrey Delman )

♪ The three little pigs

♪ Were blown out of their digs

♪ And their houses and huts were despoiled

♪ The wolf huffed and puffed

♪ 'Til the pigs cried enough

♪ How can this wicked monster be foiled

♪ Two piggies were eaten

♪ Before he was beaten

♪ Down the chimney the wolf was hard boiled

♪ It's no wonder why

♪ I turned out like I did

♪ Remembering my bedtime tales as a kid

♪ It's no wonder why

♪ I turned out like I did

♪ Remembering my bedtime tales as a kid

♪ A boy strong and proud

♪ Climbed way up to the clouds

♪ On a product of magic bean spillage

♪ Brave and defiant

♪ He swindled the giant

♪ Whose wealth came from plundering village

♪ Then he picked up an axe

♪ Gave the beanstalk some whacks

♪ Dumped the giant on most of the village

♪ It's no wonder why

♪ I turned out like I did

♪ Remembering my bedtime tales as a kid

♪ It's no wonder why

♪ I turned out like I did

♪ Remembering my bedtime tales as a kid

♪ In the cloak of the night

♪ I wake with a fright

♪ Got a blanket over my head

♪ You can say I'm insane

♪ But it's stuck in my brain

♪ Rumpelstiltskin's under my bed

♪ Some call it obscene

♪ But the violence on screen

♪ Vents the internal turmoil of drama

♪ Those buckets of gore

♪ Were spilled ages before

♪ George Romero, Hitchcock or De Palma

♪ And our fears and our stress

♪ Throughout time's been expressed

♪ Through the fairytale symbolic drama

♪ It's no wonder why

♪ We turned out like we did

♪ Remembering our bedtime tales as kids

♪ It's no wonder why

♪ We turned out like we did

♪ Remembering our bedtime tales as kids

♪ It's no wonder why

♪ We turned out like we did

♪ Remembering our bedtime tales as kids

♪ It's no wonder why

♪ We turned out like we did

♪ Remembering our bedtime tales as kids

Um, once upon a time, a long, long time ago.

There was a fisherman's son named Peter.

He was all alone in the world.

So it came to pass, since he had no money,

he sold into slavery.

Bought by two evil witches.

So then, one day...

( brooding dramatic music )

( water splashing )

( bottles clanking )

Good?

You bet it is!

Does my heart good to see a handsome lad

enjoy my cooking.

The secret is baby slugs.

The big ones are too chewy!

You have to wait for the really rainy days.

But you are worth it.

You're making me sick!

Get up, boy.

There's work to be done.

You go to the village, find the local parson.

If I'm not wrong he fancies himself.

Thinks he's quite a ladies' man.

Are you listening to me, boy?

Tell him you know two lovely ladies

who are just dying to meet him.

And you lead him here.

What lovely ladies?

Never you mind.

Make sure he has a sip of that.

Leave the rest to me.

PARSON: You wouldn't be tricking me now, would you boy?

They are beautiful? Hmm?

( owls hooting and crickets chirping )

PETER: Aye. That they are.

PARSON: They got all their teeth?

Can't kiss a tart with rotten teeth, you know.

I would suppose.

Are they, are they sassy?

You know...

Sassy!

( Parson laughs )

Sassy.

Boy, what'd you say your name was again?

Peter.

Do I see you in my church?

( sniffing )

They're almost here.

Well, get ready.

( dark dramatic music )

( Parson grunts )

It's alright, boy.

I can find my way.

Where's my sassy?

( soft instrumental music )

Grand!

I bet you ladies have never

had such a prominent man as I, huh?

Mmmmm.

( Parson moans pleasurably )

( chains clinking )

You little vixens!

It's a bit of bondage, eh?

( Parson chuckles )

Oh yeah.

( witches laugh )

Has the lad told 'ya

that I have the largest parsonage in the district?

And my flock of Norman.

They pray to me, you know.

( all laughing )

( Parson moans distressingly )

So that's what you're up to.

( music drowns out Parson's whispering )

And squeak!

( laughs )

What is this stuff anyway?

It's gettin'...

Get this stuff off of me!

( Parson screams painfully )

( fire crackles and bones cracking )

( Peter retches )

( Parson moans gravely )

( vase thuds )

( paper crinkling )

Here we are.

Take the divine left hand from a holy man.

The one that mirrors his heart.

Well ain't nothin' holy about that one.

Shhhh!

Pay attention.

Brain of a black cat, heart of an eel.

Grind them together until they congeal.

Brain of a black cat, brain of a black cat.

Black cat, heart.

What was it?

Heart of a weasel?

No no fat ol' fool, an eel, an eel!

I'm not fat!

You're not fat.

Eel.

Eel?

No eel!

( giggles )

Here we are!

Now grind them together and―

I know, I know!

( mortar knocking )

There, that looks pretty congealed!

Now pour in a vial of hemlock and ale.

And top it all off with a black piggie's tale.

Oh how sweet.

( witch giggles )

( potion simmers )

Now, my friend,

guide us true.

Where's our sister?

Where's Magoga?

( mystical whirring )

West?

The paupers' field.

( ominous music )

( leaves rustling )

( Peter gasps )

FLORINDA: Peter, come along!

Stop playin' with the nice man.

What have I told you about talkin' to strangers?

Is this it?

Did we find her?

Shhh!

Quiet!

Quiet!

What is it, Hanagohl?

She's here.

She's here!

( grunting )

( shovel scraping )

( chain clinks )

Get out the way!

( Peter grunts )

Do you mind?

( trap door creaking )

( wind whistling )

( bats chirping )

Where is she?

Magoga.

What have they done to you?

( skeleton thuds )

( box lid thumps )

PETER: Why did you wait so long

to dig your sister Magoga up anyway?

This one asks too many questions.

Ahh there's no harm.

You see, Peter, the spell to bring her back

can only be cast when the full moon and the solstice

come together on Friday.

Once every 36 years.

37.

37?

Are you sure?

No, I've spent the last 28 years followin' it out.

Of course I'm sure, stupid.

I'm not stupid!

You are stupid, mother always said so.

Mother always liked you best.

Mother was a good woman.

Nasty woman, she was. ( Hanagohl grumbles )

( pages flapping )

( bubbling )

Is that it? Are we ready?

No, there's one last ingredient to be got.

This is your busy day, boy.

( water splashing )

Your hair, too.

Can't lure the sorta girl we need if you're all a mess.

Remember, squeaky clean!

Here, maybe I better help you.

No, no no no, Florinda.

I can do it.

( water splashing )

Can I have my clothes now?

Please, now?

Ma'am?

FLORINDA: Mmmmm?

What did you mean when you said "that sort of girl?"

All in good time.

Ma'am?

Mmmmm?

I don't mind going out

and getting you herbs and animals for your magic,

but I didn't know you were going to hurt that priest.

We do what we have to do!

Yeah, but killing people?

There are some things you just won't understand.

Leave it to Hanagohl and me.

Leave what to you and me?

What's his problem?

He don't like you and me killin' people.

( Florinda laughs )

Oh, that's too bad, innit?

You do as you're told, you lazy turd.

Now hurry up, the both of 'ya.

( lighthearted music )

FLORINDA: Reminds me of myself in my youth.

We're not going to hurt her, are we?

You can't keep killing people, it's just plain wrong.

I don't know what's gettin' into you!

If you won't do this one little thing for me,

well then, you can just go on back a-home, mm-hmm?

Yes, ma'am.

What do you want me to do?

You get her attention.

Then I'll sneak up on her with a cloth.

What do I do?

Think of something.

( leaves rustling )

Hello?

Can I help you with that?

I'm fine.

Um, I seem to be a little lost.

Village is that way.

Thanks.

So, uh, do you live here by yourself?

No, I share the place with a bunch of dwarfs.

Can I help you with something?

I've been pretty much walking for the past few days

and I was wondering, do you have some food or something?

A beggar.

I shouldn't be taking people in.

Our parson's just been found murdered!

I mean who knows what kind of lunatic you'd be?

Take a seat.

This bread is very good, much softer than we make at home.

Baked this afternoon.

You're staring at me.

You're very pretty, Miranda.

Maybe...

( Florinda stomps )

Peter, what is it?

( dramatic music )

( Florinda giggles )

Good work.

Help me get her into the barrow.

We may yet make a warlock out of you, Peter!

( Florinda giggles ecstatically )

And Hanagohl will be so pleased!

You two took your ol' sweet time.

It's almost midnight!

So.

So this is our sacrifice, is it?

Come on, don't stand there, give us a hand!

Hasn't she got the loveliest eyes?

I want 'em after!

I get the eyes!

You got 'em last time!

I never get anything good.

I get the eyes!

Well, I claim all the teeth, then.

Ohhh!

Come on, it's gettin' late.

( Florinda grunts )

Ma'am?

What is it?

Can I be the one to use the knife?

What?

Yes, do let him, I think he's ready.

No, it's too important.

You do it.

He can kill the next sacrifice.

It's time.

Go ahead, make me proud.

Don't worry.

Stay calm and follow my lead.

FLORINDA: Go on, read it!

You read it.

I can't read.

You know I can't read.

Umerigus, Leviathan, demons of the pit, hear us.

HANAGOHL: Lord of the plague, send us the soul

of our forsaken sister.

( liquid pouring )

Nourish her with this dance.

( heart beating )

And fill her full of hatred.

( squishing and beating )

( heartbeat slows, stops )

( heartbeat starts again )

( squishing sounds )

( flesh cracking )

( flesh thuds )

( heavy breathing )

( gasping and grunting )

Take this life in thy darkest name.

A life for a life!

Now, you fool. Now, kill her!

( Peter grunts )

( Florinda screams )

Peter!

( Peter yells )

( Florinda grunts and sword thumps )

Ungrateful witch!

I'm going to kill you!

I'm gonna cut you into pieces when I'm through

with your little slut!

Witch!

Witch!

( Peter screams )

I'm gonna hurt you like you hurt me!

( Peter yells )

( axe thuds )

( sword thumps )

You know, it woulda been a lot easier

if you just ran away when I suggested it.

( ominous piano music )

Excuse me, sir, but you could you please tell us

how to get outta here?

( Magoga screams )

You killed my sisters.

I'm gonna make this very painful.

( Peter grunts )

( Magoga groans )

( Peter screams )

( squish )

( birds chirping )

( upbeat instrumental music )

Ew, that's a mushy icky ending.

Well what kind of an ending would you like?

Hmm, how 'bout a scary ending?

And you'll go to sleep?

Promise.

Okay.

Just then, Magoga jumped back to life, and...

( screaming )

Better?

Much.

Okay, good night, kid.

Good night, night-night.

( floorboards creaking )

( door thuds )

( xylophone chiming )

( evil laughing )

Uncle Mike!

( moaning )

Uncle Mike!

[ Man On Television ] Isn't she just adorable, folks?

What now?

[ Woman On Television ] Thank you, thank you!

What is it?

A monster was gonna get me.

Oh Brian, for Christ's sakes,

the Miss Nude Bayonne competition

is on Cablevision right now!

One more story, please?

Which story?

Hmm, Little Red Riding Hood.

Little Red Riding Hood.

Hmm.

Okay.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl called Rachel.

Actually, she wasn't all that little.

She was a hot looking high school senior,

with clear blue eyes and fine firm breasts.

That's not the way Mommy tells it.

Shut up, that's the way I tell it.

Anyhow, one day she came home after cheerleading practice,

and she realized she wanted to go jogging.

( books thudding )

( upbeat music )

( soft pleasurable moans )

WOMAN: Rachel, Rachel!

I need you to run an errand for your grandmother.

Okay, mom.

( tongue lapping )

( footsteps pounding )

Uncle Mike, this story stinks.

Where's the Big Bad Wolf?

Isn't there supposed to be a Big Bad Wolf?

Well yeah, I'm gettin' to that.

Meanwhile across town there lived this guy named Willie.

BRIAN: Was he a wolf?

UNCLE MIKE: Well, uh no.

Technically he wasn't, not full time anyway.

( door thumps )

What's happening, my man?

( hands clapping together )

Got a little present for you from the islands.

Oh really, I love there.

Hmmmm.

Save that for my vacation.

Enjoy.

Lunch hour, ha.

So how much do I owe you this time?

Uh, $25 will do it.

I could only get seven for you this time.

You know we had an arrangement.

I know, just uh, raise the price when you resell 'em.

Yeah, sure.

( bell dings )

I don't know who would take this shit anyhow, frankly.

I took two a-these, knocked me out for two days.

- Excuse me. - Hello.

Yes ma'am, what can I do for you.

Well I'm here to pick up a prescription

for my grandmother? Name's Krieger?

Uh huh, is this a house account?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, all outta the charge slips, I'll be right back.

So, what's your name?

Rachel.

It's a pretty name.

Thank you.

Biblical, huh?

( giggles ) I wouldn't know.

Doing anything later?

None of your business.

Here you are, Miss Krieger.

If you'll just sign here.

Okay.

Rachel.

Rachel.

Oh, where?

Just anywhere on the bottom is fine.

Here you go.

Thank you, bye bye.

Bye.

Always a pleasure.

( bell dings )

Take this.

It'll help you forget.

( chuckling ) Right.

( footsteps pounding )

Sorry.

Where were you?

Just running.

Where were you?

Waiting for you.

Hi.

Hi.

( lips smack )

Not here.

You're not gonna back out on me again, are you?

You wanna go someplace else?

( dark music )

( bag crinkling )

( bell dings )

You gave me the goddamn grandmother's medicine.

What are you talkin' about?

- Oh shit. - Oh shit is right.

I need those pills.

Well maybe you should ask granny for 'em.

Maybe you should ask granny tomorrow morning,

she's gonna be sleepin' pretty well tonight.

Just give me her address then, quick.

Oh man, I can't do that.

( pharmacist grunts )

Listen to me, you little shit.

If I'm not out cold by moonrise tonight.

( bell dings )

Get me her address.

Now.

Here we are.

This is it.

You're serious, aren't you?

( thumping )

What do 'ya think?

How very classy.

Well, lucky for you, I just happen to have some candles.

Oh.

And, an air mattress.

How very spontaneous.

Um, did you happen to bring an air pump by any chance?

( exhaling )

( dark brooding music )

( knocking )

Yes, can I help you?

Yeah hi, um, is Rachel here?

No.

( door slams )

( doorbell ringing )

She's not here.

What's your name?

Willie.

Willie, ah, if you leave your number

I'll have her call you.

No, no, you can't do that you see, it's kinda important.

Look can I just, can I just―

Oh absolutely not.

No, if you can't leave your number you'll have to go.

Excuse me.

( door slams )

( doorbell ringing )

( pounding )

WILLIE: Open the door.

I will not, now you go away or I'll call the police!

Lady, will you just open the door?

( doorbell rings )

Lady. ( pounding )

Lady! ( pounding )

Open the fucking door!

WILLIE: C'mon, lady!

I have a meat cleaver here and I know how to use it!

( pounds )

( thump )

( exhaling )

( gasping )

Alright.

( Rachel giggles )

Wait.

- What? - I gotta pee.

( crickets chirping )

( leaves rustling )

I'm back.

I missed you.

Hi.

Hi.

( soft music )

What's the matter now?

Making love, here.

Spiders.

Nah, it's too cold for spiders. ( chuckles )

You scared?

( trepidatious music )

( soft music )

Relax.

( trepidatious music )

( soft music )

( Willie groans )

( roaring )

Fuck.

No.

I'm not ready.

I don't look any different.

What?

Nothing.

Did you hear that?

- Hear what? - Shhh!

I don't hear anything.

( thudding )

( ominous music )

GREG: Sorry we did it?

RACHEL: No.

GREG: Good.

Hey come on, it's gettin' late.

What time is it?

I don't know, must be about six.

Oh shit, my grandma's gonna kill me.

( footsteps pounding )

( brooding music )

( wolf howling )

( clock ticking )

( growling )

( trashcan thumps )

( Grandma exhales )

( growling )

( Grandma gasps )

( growling )

( Grandma gasping )

( door thuds )

( growling )

Who's there?

Stop it!

Stop it!

( loud banging )

( clock ticking )

( yelling and screaming )

( growling and screaming )

Well, we're here.

You don't want me to walk you to the door?

No, I'm in enough trouble.

Wait here, I'll be back.

Gram?

Gram?

( growling )

( ominous music )

What, help.

Gram!

( crickets chirping )

( growling )

Operator, oh please, something terrible's happened.

Oh, send an ambulance, yes.

My address is 80 Oakley Road.

And please hurry!

( growling and screaming )

( dishes crashing )

( body thuds )

( screaming )

( growling )

( moaning )

( sirens blaring )

INTERCOM: Dr. Martin, Dr. Martin.

Please dial 314.

Dr. Martin, Dr. Martin.

Please dial 3―

Don't you think it's time you headed home?

It's my fault.

How can you say that?

I wanna be here when she wakes up.

Can I get you some tea or something?

No.

Gram?

Rachel?

Oh, Rachel.

Gram, I was so worried.

( Grandma sighs )

It's okay.

It's okay.

How do you feel?

I ran to the door.

That bastard jumped me from behind.

I'm so sorry, I should've...

( Grandma wails )

Gram?

Are you alright?

( growling )

Grandma!

What big teeth you have!

( dramatic music )

Red Riding Hood is grabbed

in a frenzy of snarls and growls.

Ripped apart and unfortunately,

no one lived happily ever after.

The end, good... night.

( xylophone music )

Uncle Mike?

Uncle Mike!

( frog croaking )

Ahhh, monster!

( suspenseful music )

Monster!

There is no monster in here.

There's no monster in here.

Nothing here, nothing here.

Definite deficit of monsters in here, isn't there?

No monster in here.

Nothing in here.

Okay, so you see there's no monster in this room, right?

Just one more story, please?

Goldilocks and the Three Bears, please?

Nooo!

Just one, please!

- No no no no no more. - Please! Just one!

It's time to go to bed.

- And I'll go to bed, please! - Brian, no no no, Brian!

Once upon a time, on a bright, sunny spring day.

While the birds were singing and the bees were bee-ing.

( flapping )

There lived Papa Baer, and MaMa Baer, and Baby Baer.

And a little girl named Goldi Lox.

( hammer thumping )

( screaming )

Alright, alright,

just what do you two think you're doin'?

We're goin' home.

Sure you are, maybe you'd like some money

to take along with you?

Sure, that'd be real― ( hand thuds )

Let me handle this!

Now we don't want any problems from you, pal.

We'll be outta here in a few minutes.

Okay, okay, why don't you just give me that gun

before you get yourselves in trouble?

Now don't try anything funny.

Look dad, it's MaMa!

Oh no, I'm not fallin' for that old one.

( tires screeching )

Oh, I am sorry I am late!

But you wouldn't believe the day I had,

one thing after another.

First, this morning, I get a phone call.

Mr. Henri got his head stuck in the revolving doors.

( sirens blaring ) So I get to my 3:30―

hairdressers, then, I'm sitting down, watching, Donahue―

Why don't you tell us on the way?

Oh yes.

( tires screeching )

( "Looney Tune" by Jeffrey Delman )

Hang on, boys.

Heads up.

( car engine roars )

See.

( Baby Baer chuckles )

( tires screeching )

( squishing )

Only grazed him the first time.

♪ Life these days can be a mess

♪ Daily decisions we distress

♪ Dreading what each brand new day might bring

♪ Ah, their voices in your head

♪ And do you dive beneath the bed

♪ Every time the phone begins to ring

♪ Well if your psyche's all undone

♪ There's a place where you can run

♪ Where folks are weavin' baskets

♪ And even flies are having fun

Papa.

What?

I have to go.

Oh Baby, you shoulda thought a-that

before we left the asylum.

Happens every time we go anywhere.

Can we stop for ice cream?

No!

Just where are we goin' anyway?

Remember that nice little house we used to live in?

I think it's vacant now.

Oh yeah, the one in Amityville.

♪ I beg to see where maybe bliss

♪ And there is nothing wrong with this

♪ Those students can have trouble findin' dates

♪ If you need a place to play

♪ Find yourself a hideaway

♪ After all it worked for Norman Bates

♪ Hahahahahaha

It's not that I'm not flattered.

It's just that I'm, well,

not ready to make that kind of commitment.

I'm sorry things didn't work out between us.

You are kind of cute.

( gasping and gurgling )

Oh will you be quiet?

( whirring )

( head thuds ) Well, I guess we better

head inside.

( whirring )

I really should be angry at you.

You boys are all the same.

Just want one thing and one thing only.

Just like all the rest.

Afternoon, boys!

MAN: Why don't you give us a kiss?

WOMAN: What kind of girl do you think I am?

MAN: That kind.

Let's see, Norman, this is Fred.

Fred, Norman, you two should get along well together.

You have a lot in common.

ANCHOR: Time for News View

from the Channel 12 News.

( body thuds )

( flies buzzing )

REPORTER: This morning the calm serenity

of the Saints Preserve Us Home for the Helplessly Insane

was shattered by the bloody breakout

of Beresford "Papa" Baer and Wilmont "Baby" Baer,

who are each serving combined sentences

of4,726 years for their assorted crimes.

With me is Lt. Jack B. Nimble of the Metro Police.

Tell me, lieutenant, are there any new developments

in the breakout?

NIMBLE: Well our best clue so far is a set a-tire tracks

from the car.

REPORTER: Surely, there are quite a few cars

with similar tread patterns?

NIMBLE: But not with dentures in them.

ANCHOR: In addition to the Baer family's bloody escape today,

police believe the murderous Goldi Lox,

who escaped last week, is now in our vicinity.

Miss Lox has been―

Hey Leo, that's me!

ANCHOR: ...since the age of eight,

exhibits extreme psychotic behavior

and is believed to be responsible for the deaths

of at least 14 people, including her own parents.

You are gonna me a star!

I'm the darling of the media already.

REPORTER: Captain Quick, tell me what is your strategy?

That is, exactly what measures are being taken

to end the ghastly, murderous spree of Miss Lox?

QUICK: Well uh, we plan to arrest her

and, of course, put her in jail.

That oughta do it.

ANCHOR: Moreover, it has been alleged,

although this reporter finds it highly unlikely,

that Miss Lox has some unusual psychic powers.

Although we hasten to add, this has never been confirmed.

In other news, President―

( loud whirring and reporter yells )

Consider it confirmed.

BABY: Are we almost there yet?

I'm hungry.

Oh there's a picnic basket there in the back there.

Now we're gettin' somewhere.

What the hell is this?

Porridge?

Why must we always have porridge?

Don't you know how to make anything but porridge?

Tradition.

PAPA: Well, let's start a new tradition.

Steak, pork, yak, anything but porridge.

You know we can't afford steak.

Not on your salary.

Which, at the moment, is nothing.

Right, we need money.

How 'bout welfare?

What?

Welfare, that's ridiculous.

Our family will get our money

the way we've always gotten it.

Honorable!

( alarm ringing )

Hey, hey you can't do that, stop!

( engine turning over )

You can't do that!

( gunfire )

( screeching tires )

( "Looney Tune" by Jeffrey Delman )

( thumping and groaning )

MAMA: Whoopsie.

( tires screeching )

ANCHOR:And that was the scene today

as the notorious Baer family

successfully pulled off a daring daylight robbery.

I'm fortunate enough to have in the studio with me today,

Lt. Nimble, of the area police,

in charge of the Baer family apprehension,

and Captain Quick, of the state police,

in charge of the Lox investigation.

Gentlemen, thank you for taking time

out of your busy schedules to be with us today.

NIMBLE: Sure, anything to get on television.

Captain Quick, what do you think the recent murder sprees

say about today's society?

Hmph, I don't know.

Well it's um, uh, it's because of, uh, today's

permissive sex and, uh, and recreational violence.

It's like a huge, festering pus wad

and it just keeps getting larger and bigger

and grows larger and larger until it explodes

covering us all with a sticky, slimy, smelly mess.

It's like when you lay down with dogs,

you get up with puppies.

Well let's follow that up, Lt. Nimble.

In cases such as these, what are the chances

for a successful rehabilitation?

Well, I―

QUICK: You gotta catch 'em first.

- What? - You have to catch 'em first.

What do you mean by that?

Nothing, remember I've seen you in action, heh.

Are you saying I'm a bad cop?

Yeah, I'm callin' you a bad cop.

Oh yeah?

Hey fellas, we are on the air!

Why I oughta...

( grunting and yelling )

( water spraying )

Someone's in there, all right.

♪ My, mmmmmm, my Eden

Maybe we could throw in a few of these

just to soften up the area.

At the community college, silly, I took, uh, pyrotechnics,

hand-to-hand combat, and what else?

Oh yes, macrame.

Nah, too messy.

Let's go in with the old Avon lady bit.

Just cover us with the Uzi.

♪ Oh, ummm

♪ Vee El, oh oh oh oh yeah

( lighthearted percussion music )

♪ Oh oh, ummmm, oh

♪ Vee ummm

Someone's sleepin' in my bed!

Someone's sleepin' in my bed.

Somebody's sleepin' in my, yuck!

♪ I like walking in the rain

♪ Do do do Dee ee dah ta da

♪ Doot doot doot do doot do

♪ La la la la la la

♪ Ree lee up boo ippity

( Goldi screams )

You were expecting perhaps Janet Lee?

All right, get out!

Look what I found.

I'm sorry, I didn't think anyone lived here.

Aren't you cute.

What's your name, honey.

Goldi, Goldi Lox.

Actually, it's Golda, I was born during the Six Day War.

Isn't she darling.

Shall I waste her, dear?

No, don't, I'm―

I wouldn't be much bother.

I can cook and do all sorts of things.

Well, I don't know.

What do you think, MaMa?

I think she'll fit in just fine around here.

She'll be like the daughter we never had.

And you'll be like the parents I brutally slaughtered.

QUICK: She's been spotted here, here, and here.

Now our reconnaissance says she has to be here

in this deserted house.

So, here's the plan of action.

In one hour we'll form on a highway just outside the house.

Once we group, we go in, in plainclothes cars.

We'll line up out front and wait for her to come out.

And bring plenty of firepower, boys.

This little girl's our dynamo.

( tapping )

♪ You musta been a beautiful baby

♪ Musta been a beautiful child

Huh?

( relaxing instrumental music )

( saw grinding )

Oh, hello Baby.

You startled me.

Gee, I'm sorry.

Papa asked me to bury these guys.

So tell me, why do they call you Baby, anyway?

I don't know.

I guess I got it when I was younger.

Oh.

I like you, Baby.

You're so... different.

( Baby chuckles )

I'm just a regular guy.

No, don't ever say that!

You've got to be different from the rest.

I like you, too, Goldi!

Kiss me!

( Goldi grunts and squeals )

( whirring )

( tree thuds )

Wow, what a woman!

I love 'ya!

( Goldi cries and squeals )

( Baby grunts )

Baby!

Baby!

Baby!

Oh I love you.

Baby.

Baby. ( giggles )

Baby!

No, too rough, no.

- Baby! - No!

- No, no. - Baby.

Baby!

- No! - Baby, baby!

Baby!

( "Baby, No Maybe" by Jeffrey Delman )

( crashing )

If only I'd known.

Sorry, boys.

( snapping ) She loves me.

We know the Baers are holed up

in that house across the field.

Now considering the shrewd criminal mind

we're dealing with...

( snapping ) She loves me not.

We decided to enter through the rear.

That's my idea.

( snapping ) She loves me.

You spell the name, N-I-M...

( snapping ) She loves me not.

B-L-E.

Now, in case there's shooting.

Remember, drop low and to my right.

NIMBLE: That's my best side.

( popping )

She loves me!

MAMA: We thank thee, Lord,

for what we are about to receive.

PAPA: Porridge again? ( thuds )

With all that commotion I didn't have the time

to go to the store today.

And on top of all that, it's too hot!

What do we do?

Well, why don't we go for a walk until it cools?

Nah, screw it, let's go get a pizza.

Papa, I have to go.

No!

( marching band music )

No way. I told you, I don't like hairy fish.

All right, no anchovies.

Do you want anything else?

Can I have a drink, Papa?

Sure, why not?

I'll have a double bourbon and whiskey, please.

( smacking )

I'll have a Yoo-hoo.

No, no you won't.

Choco Pop, okay?

What about you, little princess?

Coke.

She's one... ( sarcastic mumbling )

( whirring )

( dishes crashing )

Alright men, that's far enough.

From these positions we have optimum viewing capacity.

I don't want anyone to advance―

Further, until you hear my signal.

The thing to do here―

Is to remain calm―

Alert, and relaxed.

- The key― - Is not―

- To― - Over―

React!

I'm gettin' too old for this type of life.

I didn't want you to be part of it.

I had other plans for you.

Senator Baer.

Governor Baer.

President Baer.

Not this.

If only we could just settle down

quietly somewheres.

Ah, not now, we're probably on every police blotter

in the country.

Where will we go, what'll we do?

California, we'd probably blend in there.

Nobody would notice us there.

Yeah!

And you can become one of them television preachers.

( smacking )

( drumming )

( hammer cocks )

( exhaling )

-( sneezes ) - Fire!

( gunshots )

( glass crashing )

Cease fire, cease fire!

And so the scene here is total carnage.

To repeat, the infamous Baer gang has been wiped out

by a fierce firefight that utilized

the combined efforts of local authorities

and the state police.

In addition, the report is that little Goldi Lox,

who is known to have killed a dozen plus people,

was also consumed in the fray.

There are a great many bodies―

Okay that was two specials and two Cokes.

Okay that'll be...

( coughing and gasping )

I can't breathe.

( gasping and retching )

My treat.

( "Looney Tune" by Jeffrey Delman )

And they all lived happily ever after.

( thuds ) MAMA: Oops.

UNCLE MIKE: Though not everyone they came across was so lucky.

Okay, no more stories?

No more stories.

Okay. Good night.

Night.

Uncle Mike?

( sighing )

Thank you!

( evil growling )

( Brian yelling )

( Brian continues yelling )

( yelling echoes )

Nahhh!

( "The Wolf's Lament" by Jeffrey Delman )

♪ I was leanin' on an oak tree

♪ I was lookin' pretty tough

♪ When this kickin' red sweater jammin'

♪ Came by running through the rough

♪ She was wearin' high heeled Nikes

♪ As she sprinted through the wood

♪ She had sexy thighs and her big blue eyes

♪ Were peekin' through her hood

♪ ( howling )

♪ Hey you in red

♪ Why don't you wait for me

♪ Did you hear what I said

♪ Can you slow down please

♪ You don't have to run

♪ We can have some fun

♪ Honey don't you be a tease

♪ I got a cold wet nose

♪ Real flashy clothes

♪ And I burn to be your pet

♪ I got lonely pangs

♪ So ignore my fangs

♪ I ain't bit no one yet

♪ But she said no

♪ She just kept goin'

♪ And joggin' down that trail

♪ I'm no punk, I never give up

♪ Just a wolf after a tail

♪ ( howling )

♪ Hey you in red

♪ Why don't you wait for me

♪ Whoa there red

♪ Come on and slow down please

♪ You don't have to run

♪ We can have some fun

♪ Honey don't you be a tease

♪ I said hey cutie pants

♪ Give me a chance

♪ Let me see what's in your basket

♪ I'll be good to you

♪ I do just what you wanna do

♪ All you got to do is ask it

♪ I was graspin' at straws

♪ Sprain my two backpaws

♪ Stumblin' after her

♪ So I yelled

♪ I'm a wolf among men

♪ Come on back to my den

♪ Run your fingers through my fur

♪ Yeah

♪ ( howling )

♪ Hey you in red

♪ Why can't you wait for me

♪ Slow down there red

♪ You know this ain't the grandprix

♪ Forget your mama's advice

♪ Wolves can be nice

♪ Just wait up and ha ha

♪ You'll see

♪ ( Howling )

♪ Come on