Original subtitles

I can't believe you put all the fucking weed in garbage bags.

After all these years of working with me, haven't you fucking learned anything?

Now it could all be mouldy

and we could be fucked, you fucking dumbass.

I'm a dumbass?

I'm not the weed guy here, okay?

We're in this fucked-up situation

because of you, not me!

(Chuckling) Whatever.

Whatever... I can't believe

you actually thought Lahey was your father.

Like, what the fuck is wrong with you, man?

You're fucking stupid.

Like really, for real, truly fucking stupid.

(Scoffing)

Look, man...

I'm sorry. You're not stupid.

Lahey was pretty convincing.

He almost had me fooled too.

I know you've been through a lot, but we all have.

But just so that you know, man, you're my best friend.

I'd do anything for you, okay?

So can we please be cool?

Please. (Sighs)

Just don't call me the s-word, man.

It's not cool anymore and it's fucking mean.

All right, man, I promise. I won't.

Bubbles: (On radio) Breaker, breaker.

What the fuck?

Got to stop, bud.

Bubs, what the fuck are you doing?

Where the fuck are those two stupid idiots going?

Jacob's got the shits

and Cory said, and I quote,

"Right on, dude, I'll come with you."

Should we just wait for them or...

No, fuck 'em. Tell them to meet us up there.

It's just up this road here to the right.

Fucking idiots.

Well, head up the road to the right,

right down to the lake, when you're done shitting.

Boys, just so you're aware,

Jacob's been shitting green liquid lately.

Green fucking liquid. He's an alien, I'm telling you.

Keep your head on a swivel around him. Over.

What if he is a fucking alien?

Like, is it possible he could turn

my whole family into fucking aliens or...?

How many times do I got to go through this with you?

Just because you look like an alien

doesn't mean you're a fucking alien.

He's not one.

Man!

What the fuck...

What are all these fucking signs up here?

Free weed? Free weed?

Right on. Let's go fucking get some.

No, Ricky, this is where I fucking live.

Oh, yeah. Boys, what the fuck are these signs?

Oh, fuck...

Oh, fuck!

Holy fuck, boys, is that our weed? Did you see that?

Yeah, we saw it.

What the fuck are we going to do?

Like, that's got to be our weed.

It better fucking not be.

For fuck's sakes.

Is that Lahey's fucking camper?

Fuck.

Lahey: (Cackling)

What the fuck do these idiot want?

Get out of my fucking way.

Get going! (Tires skidding on gravel)

(Feedback) (Slurring) Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage,

the man you've all been waiting for, Julian!

The owner of the free weed!

Various: Free weed!

(Chanting) Free weed, free weed, free weed...

All right... everybody...

Everybody shut the fuck up!

Jesus Christ.

Hey, that old guy over there

said that this thing was full. Come on, man.

Well, that old guy's drunk

and he's out of his goddamn fucking mind.

Hey, bro, that's false advertising, man.

False advertising. What are you going to do, call the cops on me?

Look, everybody, there's no weed here, okay?

There's no free fucking weed. You gotta leave.

(Sigh) Fuck.

(Whispering) Julian, this is fucked. What are we going to do?

I want you to go up the road, okay, take down those fucking signs.

Can you do that for me? Oh, I'll get the cocksuckers down.

Excuse me, who do we talk to about the free weed?

There's no weed. Fuck off.

Woman: Wo-ow. (Chuckling)

What the fuck's going on here, Lahey? Oh!

Randy, would you get that out of my face.

We were just enjoying a couple of drinkie-poos

down by the old sea-side.

Listen... Randy?

Don't you think you should tell these people

to get off your property, Julian?

(Laughing) This isn't my property, okay?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, it isn't? Oh, that's fantastic.

Because Randy and I are planning to spend a couple of days down here,

just relaxing and maybe working out our wedding plans.

But are there usually that many people

hanging out around here, Julian? I don't know.

I don't have a clue. I'm never out here.

No? No.

Don't worry, Mr. Lahey.

If any of these dirty, filthy, shit-hippies get out of control,

I've got the police on speed-dial.

I've got you on fuck-off dial.

Julian...

there's nothing sexier

than having a powerful man in your grip

and watching him squirm.

Fuck you.

Hi, Rick.

Don't give up, guys. Free weed's a-comin'!

The whole fucking container's full of that shit.

(Theme music)

(Police siren chirps)

Excuse me, sir. Keep you hands where we can see them.

Yes, sir. Drop the weapon, please.

Oh, that's not a weapon. That's...

Please just drop it. ...tool from my truck there.

So what's going on here?

Oh... Oh, you're probably wondering

about that crazy sign there, eh?

Yeah, we had a couple of people who phoned in about it.

Yeah, no, that's... What's your name?

My name is.... umm... Yeah?

My name's Bubbles.

You guys... you guys know Jim?

Or Jim knows you?

Jim who?

Oh, there's a lot of Jims.

Maybe you know one of the Jims. Listen.

What's your involvement with this?

Oh, this here? It's just a big misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding?

Yes, it's uh... Why are you so nervous then?

Well, just you know, because of what that says

and it's not supposed to say that.

See, what happened my friend, he has a...

he has a big pile of wood actually

and he's been trying to give it away

and he asked some kids to make some signs

and obviously, you know, they're just fucking with him

or they don't know how to spell.

All right, so there's children involved,

is what you're saying? Well... no,

I don't mean there's children involved

with that type of thing, I just mean the...

the local kids who come and skip rocks into the thing,

they made these and...

their parents are going to fucking hear about this,

believe me, this is uncalled for.

All right, well, listen.

Do you mind if we go down to take a look?

Uhhh, no, of course not.

I've got nothing to hide.

Let's... let's just go down.

Sounds good.

Okay, you guys... Yep.

Follow me. Uh-huh.

Ohh, boy.

Come on, Julian, answer your phone.

Julian! Julian: (on phone) What's up?

Did you get the signs taken care of?

Uhh, not exactly.

The police came and they're now following me

and we're on our way there.

What? It's okay, though.

I told them the sign was supposed to say wood instead of weed.

So just get everybody holding some wood.

I repeat, make sure everyone's got wood.

Jesus Christ. Drive slow, man.

That's nice. It's kind of like pineapple diesel

with a little bit of bubble gum.

Hey, man, what the fuck? Everybody's got to get some wood.

The cops are on their way. You want us to get hard-ons for the cops?

No, no, pick up some wood, some firewood. Everybody pick up some firewood!

Woman: I'm not doing that. Put out the joints.

Hold on a second, man. The cops are on their fucking way.

Here? Yes!

Fuck! Get some wood, everybody get some wood.

Bubbles, what the fuck did you do, man?

Lahey: Oh, the cavalry are here, Randers.

What the fuck happened? Just... Ricky, just...

See, officers, just... just like I said.

Look at all the free wood.

If you guys want some, pop your trunk there and I'll load you right up.

Ricky: Yeah, help yourselves. I think we're fine.

Good afternoon, officers. Afternoon.

Are you two the owners of this here wood?

No. We're just here on vacation.

We're just watching the show.

It's my wood, officers. I just swapped out my fucking wood stove.

You know, I got a heat pump, I'm saving a ton of money every month.

Air conditioning... So you live here?

Well, kind of. So you own this container then, right?

Umm... it was kind of given to me but not really.

Bravo, ossifer. Bravo.

It's not his container, no, it was his dad's.

We had to put him in a home. He got dimensions and started shitting all over the place.

Thought he was still storming the jungles at Normanly.

Sir, do you mind opening up the container for us?

Love to but we lost the keys, what... two months ago, three months ago?

A while ago anyway. I'll go get the cutters.

Oooh. Guys, it's not going to work. It's military grade.

We tried. Cutters aren't going to do it.

Go ahead. Waste more fucking taxpayers' money, I guess.

No big fucking deal.

Police officer: I've got a shipping container here.

Alpha-Victor-Bravo one-zero-niner.

Could I get a ownership title for that? Woman: (on radio) Copy.

Hi, guys. I just wanted to formally introduce myself.

My name's Randy.

If you guys need any assistance,

I'm actually in training to be a fellow member.

You can't be training very hard.

Oh, my God.

Not the Randy?

The guys down at the station were telling me

about the legend of the gut,

but I never imagined it would be so massive.

We're going to need a selfie with that. Definitely.

Ricky: Is this seriously fucking happening right now?

(Phone camera clicks)

I can't believe you never heard of the fuck-up

that's been trying to get on the force

with the disgusting fat gut.

Yeah, that's, uh, that's pretty bad.

That's not very nice, guys.

I'm not overweight, I'm husky.

You look like you ate a husky. A pack of huskies.

Woman: (On radio) One Adam 12.

The container was sold in auction

to a Reggie Rose. No other information on file.

Copy that.

I'm sorry. What the fuck is it you guys are doing here again?

I forget that part. Sir, would you watch your language please?

Watch langu... What are we, at fucking church?

All right, listen.

There was a sign at the end of the road.

It said "Free Weed".

Oh, okay.

And that's what you think is happening here, is it?

You know what, guys? You got us.

This container right here...

it's full of fucking beautiful, delicious weed

and we're just giving it away to everybody.

Come on over. Get as much fucking free weed as you want.

Tell me you guys aren't that fucking stupid.

I've never met two stupider cops in my entire life.

Both of you with your good looks,

your chiselled features and toned bodies.

It's not hard to tell that that's the only reason you made it on the force.

I'd make a way better cop than both of you two shit-weasels.

Fuck, it's bullcock!

All right? And it's not nice to call anyone fat.

I don't care who you are.

(Mixed cheers, applause)

No... That's enough. All right?

Everybody take your wood and leave.

And sir, this is public property.

You might want to move your dad's container.

Yeah, we'll definitely get it out of here for you guys.

Thanks a lot, fellas. If you don't,

we'll have to come back and move it for you.

All right. Enjoy your day. You guys did a great job.

Bubbles: Free wood.

That's a beautiful speech, Randy.

Only one fucking problem:

you... you got rid of them.

I wasn't letting those two hunks-of-shit hotshots

take the credit for our investigation, Mr. Lahey.

Frig those shit-weasels.

Oh, Randy...

The game's over. You guys gotta fucking go.

Why would we leave now, Julian?

We just w... won round number one.

Where... I just can't wait for round number two.

You know what? This isn't even fucking worth it anymore.

What? There's not going to be a round two.

You win. I win what?

You win, Jim. I know when I've been outsmarted

and know when to walk away, I'm fucking walking away.

You're walking away? Congratulations, buddy.

It's fucking bullshit. Boys, let's go.

What the fuck are you talking about, man?

We've got to get that shit out of the garbage bags,

it's gonna go mouldy. I've got a plan, get in the fucking car.

Julian, what are you doing?

Trust me.

Get in your truck, follow me.

Ricky: See you later, fuckfaces!

Lahey: Piece of shit. Did you get the fucking things, Randy?

Holy fuck, Randy. This is...

Hey, Randy, you forgot to take this with you.

(Engine ignition, revving)

I hope you know what the fuck you're doing, man.

Don't worry about it.

Bubbles: (Whispering) Julian, what the fuck are we doing?

Let's just go back to the park.

Hang on.

What the fuck's the plan here, man?

This is fucking dumb.

Fuck! Just fucking wait, okay? Trust me.

Let's just go knock them out and crazy-glue them.

Julian: No, just stay right there.

Fuck this. I'm going to crazy-glue their backs together.

Don't you... Ricky, get down!

Ricky! I know what I'm fucking doing.

Bubbles: Let's go to the park before the cops come back.

Cory: 'Sup, dudes? Sshh!

Crank on my tits. Get the fuck down.

Cory... fuck. What's up, dude?

Jacob had stage fright and then we got lost

and you guys were gone but guess what?

We followed the seagulls.

And the sun. What'd we miss?

Julian: All right, that's it. Go inside.

Close that fucking door.

All right, boys. Follow me.

Bubbles: Ricky...

What the fuck are you doing?

I use this shit to wrap around my lobster containers.

You wrap it around a bunch of times and it's as strong as fuck.

What are we going to do with it? Wrap them like a fucking cocoon?

Yeah, something like that. Here, grab that.

You going to try and suffocate them?

I'm not going to suffocate them.

Cory, get this fucking thing going.

All right, on my cue, I want you guys to come over

to the trailer, wrap this shit around that trailer

as many times as you possibly can.

Got it? Cory: Yeah, dude.

You got it? Yeah, yeah.

Good job, boys, good job.

There you go. Ricky, Ricky...

(Ice clinking in glass)

(Mouthing silently) Bubbles: Ricky!

(Whispering) Shhh... around the windows.

Ricky, what the fuck?

Around the windows.

Cory: Here, dude.

Bubbles, help hold this one.

Ricky: Here, hold this, Julian.

These pricks...

Bubbles: Jesus.

Julian: Stop fucking around Ricky.

Ricky: What the fuck is wrong with this shit, man,

it's not working right, for fuck's sake!

Bubbles: Boys, hurry the fuck up.

(Muffled) What the frig is going on...

Bubbles: There's Randy.

Julian: Would you get that thing untangled?

Bubbles: Okay, Ricky, we've got to go.

Julian: Come on, come on. Roll.

Randy: (Indistinct yelling)

Ricky: Fuck you Randy. Fuck you!

Julian: Cory, what the fuck are you doing?

Jesus, look out! Get out of the way, you fucking idiots!

Julian: Jacob... Ricky: Fuck.

Randy: What are we going to fucking do?

Julian: Fuck, boys.

Fuck you guys are slow. Hurry up!

Bubbles: Ricky... boys...

(Indistinct shouting inside camper)

Here he comes. Duck, duck.

Jesus Christ, Ricky.

It's 11:13am on the 20th. (Indistinct shouting outside)

Future officer Randy here.

Myself and ex-police officer Jim Lahey

are being held against our will. (Clattering)

Suspects are presumed to be a one Julian, Ricky and Bubbles,

all residents of Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Look, Randers.

Liquor stash from the old days.

Right on, boys. Open the fucking container, buddy.

Let's go. Fucking pricks!

Boys, let's go grab some food, take a little break maybe?

I'm fucking starving. Cory: Yeah, dude...

Julian: We're not going to take a fucking break.

Why not?

Somebody broke a piece of wood off in the fucking keyhole.

Are you fucking kidding me? I wonder who did that, for fuck's sakes.

Hey, Julian, why don't you take out your tiny cock and try to pry it out?

(Chuckling) Why don't you eat my ass, Ricky?

Fuck.

Piss on it. Piss melts wood, doesn't it?

Would you shut the fuck up?

Fuck!

Randy: I've tried the door

and all the windows

but they're all shrink-wrapped closed.

There doesn't appear to be an exit point.

I haven't been trained for this type of situation.

What's the proper procedure, Mr .Lahey?

In this situation, Randy, one procedure fits all.

Have a drink, pal.

We've got to get out of here, sir.

Sshh, what's that?

What are you doing?

Shh...

It knows what to do.

What? Who?

The liquor.

It can think for itself, Randy.

It's just using our minds as vesicles.

Hey... a friend... Randy...

I can communicate with the liquor, bud.

It finally let me in.

You're scaring me, sir.

Shh...

Oh, that's brilliant.

It wants you to drink too,

so it can communicate with you.

It's got something it wants to tell you, bud.

Please don't do this, Mr. Lahey.

Randy, you've got the opportunity to talk to the liquor.

Take the fucking bottle.

We've been given a wonderful gift, Randy.

Wonderful gift.

Because the liquor has chosen us, Randy.

Me and you, bud.

Fuck, it's like trying to break into Alky-traz, for fuck's sakes.

Julian: That's good, Bubs.

That's not going to do shit-all, man.

Okay, boys. Step aside.

Time to let the big dog work his magic.

Yeah, right on, Bubs. Winch-wench it.

Yeah, Ricky. Clip that on there.

Give it to her, buddy.

Bubbles: I don't want to fuck up your door, though, Julian.

Just rip it right the fuck off, man. I'll buy a new one.

Okay, well, stand back, boys. (Winch whirring)

This thing's going to come off like she's packed with C-4.

Here we go.

(Whirring)

Jacob: I don't think it's working.

Cory: Yeah, that shit's tight.

All right. You know what? Fuck this.

No, Ricky. No, no, wait, wait!

I'm not fucking beat yet.

Here, I'll get the cocksucker off.

Are you sure this little piece of shit has enough power?

This little piece of shit? You think this little piece...

You want to see some fucking power, bud?

You want to see some power? Stand fucking back!

I'll show you fucking power, baby. Stand back, everyone.

Give her hell, Bubs.

I'll show you some fucking power. Right now.

Here we go. (Banging on door)

(Grunting)

(Engine revving)

(Screaming) Cocksucker!

Oh, Bubs, you've fucked her.

Oh, for fuck's sakes!

That shouldn't have happened!

I had her fucking on there.

All right, look the fuck out.

Ricky it's.. I'll get the fucking thing off, right now.

...it's bullet-proof, man.

Fuck it is. Nothing's bulletproof.

Everybody get out of the way.

(Gunshots) Bubbles: Ricky!

For fuck's sakes, Randy.

They're trying to kill us, bud!

Jesus.

Randy: What are you doing?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot.

Randy: What are you doing, Mr. Lahey?

I'm not doing anything, Randy.

The liquor is.

Randy: You're not making sense.

If they're going to shoot at the liquor,

the liquor's going to return fire, Randy.

Randy: The liquor can't fire, Mr. Lahey. (Grunt)

I had this fucking thing in

with 12-gauge fucking screw holes.

It shouldn't have come out. (Grunting) Fuck!

You fucking blocky-block metal fuckface!

You're fucking everything up!

Hey, dudes, I'm not 100% sure about this

but I think I've got an idea.

A what? An idea. Check it.

Oh, brilliance, Cory. You're going to open a military-grain lock

with a fucking toothpicker, are you?

No, no, dude. I'm making a wood-magnet

so I can pull the other wood out.

A wood-magnet? Hold on. Check it, check it.

What the fuck are you talking about, a wood-magnet?

(Lock clicking) Fuck. Right on, dude!

Right on, Cory. Right on.

I'm using the liquor force, bud.

(Click)

You know what? That might be

the fucking smartest dumb thing you've ever done.

Yeah, dude... Ahh! (Gunshot)

(Screaming, gunshots) Bubbles: Holy fuck!

Cory: Oh, God! My hand is shot!

Ricky: You all right, Cory?

Future officer Randy here.

Julian is officially trying to kill us.

So if anyone finds this camera,

please tell the police to arrest Julian, Ricky and Bubbles

of Sunnyvale for murder.

Cory: Goddamn, dude, my hand! (Gunshots)

It's gone! Oh, God! Tell my mom I love her. Shit, dude!

Bubbles: Cory, show me your fucking hand.

It's barely even nicked!

It's hardly fucking even bleeding!

Cory, Jacob, I want you guys to zig-zag up to fucking Lahey's trailer,

spin it around. Huh?

Spin it around?

Yes, spin it around. It'll confuse him. He won't know where to shoot.

It's like pin the tail on on the donkey. They already got the blindfold on.

Okay, okay! Ricky: Let's go, boys!

Cover him! (Gunshot)

(Cackling)

(Continued gunshots) (Laughing)

Ricky: Go, go, go, go!

Come on!

Bubbles: Julian...

Will you get the fuck out of the way?

(Continued gunshots)

...get the fuck out of the way!

Here, Ricky, keep... Look out, Ricky!

Cory: Ah shit, it got away from us, dude.

Bubbles: Holy fuck!

Randy & Lahey: (Indistinct screaming)

Jesus Murphy!

Holy fuck, we've got to call 9-1-1!

We're not calling anybody

until that goddamn weed's out of here.

Let's go! Come on!

Fuck them! They tried to fucking shoot us.

Holy fuck! Get my ratchet straps!

We're on a booze cruise, Randers.

I always wanted to go on a booze cruise, bud.

Julian: Bubs. What?

We're all packed up. Let's go.

Julian, we can't just fucking leave them here.

That's the fucking high-tide line right there.

When the water comes in, they're going to be fucked.

Julian: You've got them tied up. They'll be fine.

Well, it's not exactly safe, for fuck's sakes.

We're leaving. We've got to go, man. Come on.

Well, I'll be coming back for them.

Bubbles: (Panicked whimper)

(Microwave oven beeps)

What a fucking tangled heap of electrical cocksuckers.

Boys, you can't fucking do this.

Do you know how many levels this is wrong on, Ricky?

Bubs, it's level enough. All the crystal's coming through.

It's working fucking perfect.

Ricky, I'm not talking about the angle

of your fucking home-made THC sifter.

Well, there's no turning back now.

We've got to go for broke here, okay?

Just keep reminding yourself

why the fuck we're doing this.

Okay. Well, I would just like to state for the record,

this is hands-down the most fucked-up thing you guys have ever done.

No, it's not. (Mixed chatter of kids)

How's it going, kids? You guys are doing perfect.

Oh, yeah. Look at all that crystal. Good job, guys.

Oh, Lord Jesus and Baby Marion.

All right, switch it up down there.

Let's work on our slapshots for a bit, guys.

Kids: ♪ ...crystal off the fucking weed ♪

(Cellphone ringing) ♪ Weed, weed, weed... ♪

Fuck, it's fucking Snoop.

Snoop? How do I answer this again?

Just... There. Press that button.

This one? No, that one right there.

Hey, Snoop, how's it going, brother? Hey, man, how are ya?

Not good, muthafuckas. Deal's off.

What? You've got to be fucking kidding me.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Look, man. Shit just fell through. Wasn't nothing I could do.

Do you know what the fuck we just went through

to meet your fucking choda?

I gave up everything for this fucking deal, man.

No, I'm just fucking with y'all, cuz.

Fuck. You bastard. I'm just calling

to make sure everything is still on track.

We had a couple of setbacks but yeah, man, we're all good now.

What kind of setbacks? Lahey fucking with you?

Well, he was but he's probably dead.

I think we just fucking killed him.

For real? Yeah.

Y'all killed that mothafucka? No, no, Snoop, no, no.

Ricky's just fucking with you the way that, you know,

you were fucking with him.

Lahey's just, uh... they're going camping, him and Randy.

Yeah, everything's set on our end, man.

Everything's bottled and ready to go.

Dig this:

tomorrow my homeboy, Sammy Ogea,

he gonna get with y'all.

Then we can make motherfuckin' history.

Fucking awesome.

Right on. Cheers, man.

Peace. (Happy grunts)

Boys, we've got to start bottling this shit immediately.

It looks like we're pulling an all-nighter.

No, we need to go down and let Lahey and Randy

out of that fucking death-trap.

Bubs, they'll be fine.

They're tied up nice and good, okay?

We'll let them out as soon as this deal's done.

Let's get back to work.

Ricky: Jacob, get some more fucking weed on the trampoline.

Look who's squirming now, Lahey.

Julian's attempt to drown us like a couple of rats

has so far been unsuccessful.

The camper appears to be watertight.

We still can't get a cellphone reception

but I'm going to continue to try and contact the police.

Randy, the ol' shitliner seems pretty fucking seaworthy, eh, bud?

(Harmonica playing)

(Gunshot) Holy fuck!

Randy: Oh, my God. Forget what I said.

We're officially sinking.

We've got to get out of here, Mr. Lahey!

We're going to die.

A liquor captain never abandons a sinking shit-ship, Randy.

Randy: But Mr. Lahey, you're not a frigging liquor captain,

you're a trailer park supervisor and this is a camper.

It's not even a ship, for frig's sakes.

We gotta get out of here!

(Water splashing)

Arrrr!

(Theme music)

(Seabirds squawking)

Fish: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...

Fuck off! Jesus Christ!

(Whisper) Fuck.

(Light clicks off) Fuck off.