Original subtitles

(Footsteps)

Oh, fuck.

What time is it? Cameraman: 9:30.

Oh, for fuck's sakes!

All right, I'll be out in a minute.

So what's up, Bubbles?

Do you want to tell me what's wrong?

Well, it's just...

you know, I've got some things going on

and you're always such a good listener.

I thought maybe we could talk.

Yeah, well, thank you.

You know you can talk to me

any time about anything. (Cat meowing)

Well, it's just that...

I think I might be coming

a little bit attached to Coolnow.

I don't know exactly how to deal with it.

(Laugh) What's wrong with that?

Well, I just... you know, I...

feel like I'm kind of cheating on my kitties, you know.

They're... always been my main thing and...

Hey, you know what?

You're right,

You probably should cool it with Coolnow.

Oh, fuck! I knew it.

Yeah. Like, look at this guy.

He's really neglected.

He's so jealous. Look.

Oh my God, I knew it!

He hates Coolnow, I think...

Bubbles... Sorry , Coolnow.

I'm just kidding!

Of course it's okay to love Coolnow.

It doesn't mean you love your kitties any less.

You think so? Yeah, it's totally fine.

You guys can all live in the shed together like a big happy family.

Hey, what do you think of that? (Footsteps approaching)

(Giggling) Who's a good Papa's dog?

Bubs, why the fuck didn't you wake me up? We're late! Let's go!

Well, Ricky's still here. I didn't think there was a big fucking rush.

Ricky's still here?!

Ricky, what the fuck are you doing?

You were supposed to be down at the rink

a half hour ago letting in the kids.

The plants need food, man!

Ricky, why do you got frozen hot dogs on your unit?

I can't move, boys.

Fucking something going on with my nuts.

They're fucking killing me.

You jacked off too soon, didn't you?

Didn't ya?

Oh, he cranked it. You know he cranked it.

How long did you fucking wait, Ricky?

Almost two days.

Two days! Two fucking days!

Sam said two weeks! What are you thinking?

I couldn't fucking take it. I was horny.

It was fucking up my brain! Now look at me.

Fucking all black and swollen up

like a couple of canned antelopes!

Oh, my Jesus! 'cause they're infected, Ricky!

Look at them! Is that bad?

Is it bad for your balls to be infected? Yeah.

We've got to get him to the hospital. Let's go...

No, no, no. First we gotta get down to the rink

before the parents start freaking out.

It's all good, Julian. Dad's down there dealing with it.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Lahey? Yeah, my dad.

Oh, Lord baby Jesus.

You're calling him Dad now?

That's what you call someone that makes you with their cock, Julian!

(Theme music)

He's been living in your trailer for one week

and you totally trust him?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Holy fuck, man! It's not a big deal!

He went down and turned the lights on and let the kids in. It's fine!

It's not fine! Think about it!

You think about it. My dad warned me

Randy was fucking moving in to bust us with the plants.

That's why I moved them. Why the fuck would he do that?

Would you please

just use your brain this one time, Ricky?

What's going to get us more time if we get busted?

Some clones, or a rink full of plants, huh?

I'm telling you, man, you're wrong.

Dad's on our side.

Would you stop calling him that?

Rick... just think about all the shit he's done to us in our past,

all the times he tried to fucking...

fuck us over and all the effort he put into it, man.

Just think about that!

This could be his biggest fuck-over ever

and it's gonna be because of you.

Oh, fucking slutty mother of horny Mary!

I never really thought about it like that.

Oh, for fuck's sakes! Fuck me!

What if you are right?

If he really that fucking smart?

He could be. He's not drinking.

We've got to find out the truth, boys.

Bubs, have you got anything there?

I don't know, Julian.

It's all medical fucking jargon, chromosomes-this

and fucking haemoglobin-that.

I don't have the bandwidth for this.

Well, we've got to find somebody with the brand-width.

Like, who the fuck can we get to do this?

The same guy that's gonna fix your nuts.

At Sam's clinic.

Seriously? You couldn't wait two fucking days?

You truly are a fucking idiot.

Why don't you fuck off, okay?

I've been dealing with some pretty heavy shit lately.

I had to fucking jack it.

Oh, yeah. I heard about that.

Of all the fucking people in the world,

he's potentially your father. (Laugh)

Maybe we should let him die. He'd probably be better off.

Can you help us prove Lahey's not his dad or what?

Look, that would take DNA, and it's beyond my capabilities.

But, if we were to get Lahey's blood type,

his blood type and his mother's blood type,

I might be able to help you out.

Yeah, well good luck with that one, guys.

Wait, now. So if we can get everybody's blood type,

you'll be able to tell whether he's lying or not?

Maybe. But what do you got?

What do you mean, what do I got?

Well, the Jeep is fucking driving great,

but that was for not cutting off his cock.

This is a whole new fucking deal.

Listen, you big-lipped fuck!

You're gonna tell us and you're gonna fix up his fucking bag

or I'm going to knock those big, stupid teeth down your goddamn throat

and I'm going to burn your fucking place down to the ground!

You got it? Okay, okay! I'll do it,

if... you burn this place down.

What?

Look, the business isn't doing

what I fucking thought it was going to do.

Obviously I know fuck-all about Botox.

I've got people coming after me trying to sue me.

But I do have two insurance policies.

So, if you burn this fucking place down, I'll make a killing.

Deal?

(Whispering) Julian, don't do it.

Come on. Deal? Fuck, you're greasy.

Yes! Deal.

Right. So just like that?

Let's fucking add arson

to the fucking litany of charges facing us.

There's nothing wrong with my arse.

It's my... my nut-bag.

No, arson, Ricky! (Sighs)

Whoever alphabetized this

should be taken out and kicked in the nuts.

Shh. Just keep looking.

Well, they're not in any fucking order.

There are just Q's and J's and fucking everything!

Oh, just wait!

Here's Lahey!

I've got Jim Lahey right there.

Oh, for fuck's sakes!

There's no Flower over here, man.

Well, it's not going to be under Flower.

Think about it. What?

It's Ray Flower.

No, it's Ray Lafleur. He changed it to Flower.

What the fuck are you talking about?

The truckers were always teasing him,

calling him fucking Frenchie and frog lips and poutine face,

and he was like, “Fuck you guys, my name's Ray Flower now”"

Lafleur. It's right here, Bubs,

right in front of your fucking face!

Well, it's not in any order!

Look, it's in between a Z and a fucking R!

Here's Tammy's.

It's not my fucking fault.

Oh, this is the jackpot, though, Julian.

There's Ray's blood right there: type A.

Raymond Lafleur. Tammy's the same thing.

So what's that mean?

I don't now what it means

but it's fucking critical information.

Look at this: Sexual Health Report.

Look how many times he had chlamydia!

(Chuckling) Holy fuck!

Call Guinness Records! (Wheezing laughter)

Just gotta get Lahey's, and we'll be all set.

Yeah, do you think he's just going to give it to us?

All we can do now is ask him.

We're not going to fucking ask him for it, man!

He's going to know we're up to something.

But how the fuck are we going to get it?

I know how to do this, okay.

It'll be easy. Let's go. Come on!

Okay, that should just about do it.

Now don't be jacking it or fucking anybody for the next two weeks

or you're going to wind up right back in here again.

You got it, dummy? Yeah, trust me,

I'm never fucking going through this again.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah...?

How do you keep your bag so soft?

I mean, do you use any special creams or oils?

What? Not in a g-gay way.

I mean, I've been working on mine for a long time

and it's like a calloused old alligator

and a porcupine fucked and had a baby.

Listen, I'm not going to fucking sit here

and have a conversation with you about how to keep your fucking bag soft.

Are we done here? Almost.

So this IV should take about 45 minutes to go through your system.

Best thing for you to do

is to get back on the gurney, lay back and relax, okay?

Come on. Get back on the gurney.

Yeah, good idea, actually. Shut my stupid fucking brain down for a bit.

Here, let me help you. Here you go.

Just keep your fucking hands off me. Thanks. Okay.

Oh, fuck.

(Phone rings)

You gonna fucking answer for me today, you asshole?

Oh, right on.

Hello.

Hey, Dad.

What? What the fuck are you talking about? When?

Oh, God damn it. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I'll be right there!

Not a good idea, Ricky.

Not a good idea! What are the kids up to?

The kids? Well, they went home. It's pitch black in there.

Ricky: Did you call the power company? Power company said,

first thing in the morning. That's the best they can do.

First thing in the morning, oh my... motherfuckers, (Muttering)

that's not going to work. The plants are going to fucking die.

First thing in the morning, seriously? Seriously.

Those fucking assholes! Yeah, they are a bunch of assholes...

That's not going to work! We need to get to them right the fuck now!

Listen, Rick... We've got to get the fucking power back on!

You're going to have to calm down, son.

For fuck's sakes... Don't worry about a thing, Rick.

Everything's going to be okay. Fucking assholes.

Fuck me!

I'll call you back, Son.

What the fuck is going on, Randy?

(Slurring) No big deal, it's just a couple drinkie-poos, Mr Lahey.

You're drunk!

Yeah, I'm frigging drunk! Listen, Randy.

You've got to get the hell out of here before the cops come.

Frig the cops! Let them come.

I guess you'll just have to cover for me, bud.

Randy, you crashed a motor vehicle under the influence.

It's going to be pretty fucking hard for me to cover you for this one!

Oh, really?

Well, what about all the times I covered for you when you were drunk

and crashing cars and pissing yourself and shooting people?

Randy, just keep it down.

You're begging for people to call the police.

(Shouting) Oh, am I being too loud?

I'm sorry for frigging being too loud, everybody!

And guess what?

I'm frigging resigning as assistant trailer park supervisor!

Frig it!

(Sobbing) I can't take it, Mr. Lahey.

I can't take it. Randy, it's going to be okay, bud.

Look, just calm down. I can't take it.

I'm here for you. Come on.

Let's get in the car and we'll take you home, okay?

I don't know, Mr. Lahey.

Come on, Randy. I love you, bud.

Come on, get in the car.

You do? You still love me?

You're darn right I do, Randy.

It's going to be okay.

Come on, bud.

(Clicking)

Fuck off!

Oh, fuck!

Holy fuck! Gorilla Fingers?

Oh, hi, Ricky. Hey, man.

Listen, I go by Grant now.

Mr. Gorilla Fingers is a thing of the past, okay?

And listen. I don't have any spare change either.

I gave it all to the guy inside for a tip.

I'm not bumming change here, cock face.

So you're working for the power company now, huh?

Let's just say it was time for a... uhh...

a little change of scenery. Yeah, I bet.

Being a prison guard's the worst job ever, man.

People think you're a fucking asshole right off the bat.

I would have quit long ago.

Well, I didn't actually quit, you see...

they were accusing me of doing things down there, and...

I decided to get lost before they made a mountain out of a molehill, you know?

Yeah, I get it. Look, man, I could really use your help.

I've got a serious fucking power problem.

Can you come and have a look at it for me? Ah... Listen,

just put in a work order like everyone else, okay?

Look man, I don't have time for this.

Between me and you, I'm growing a bit of dope

and I've got a serious fucking problem... Whoa, whoa, whoa, no.

If there's dope involved here, man, I'm out.

I'm not... going to risk my job over something like this. No way.

Come on, man. That's not very good customer service.

Forget about it, man. Well, you know what?

I was trying to be a nice guy here.

Now look what you made me fucking do! Hey!

Get the fuck in the van and get over the other side.

Get in there! ...fucking shit!

What's the matter with you? Pansy.

(Indistinct shout)

Fuck's sakes...

Fuck off!

Fuck me slowly, would you relax!

Jesus Christ!

(Engine ignition)

Julian: Hey, guys.

Hey, Julian.

Boom! That's what I'm talking about.

All right, bring it in, bring it in.

All right, I need you guys to round up some bottles.

I got a little mission for you, okay?

We don't do that shit anymore.

Throwing bottles at people is kids' stuff.

Oh, come on!

I'll give you guys a big bag of chips each. (Giggling)

Chips? Nobody wants chips anymore.

All right, what do you want, then?

Liquor. (Whimper)

Okay, I can respect that.

I'll give you a pint.

What? No fucking way!

You're not giving liquor to the kids!

Bubs, it's a pint between six of them, man.

It's not going to fuck them up. Relax.

Think about what you just said.

Repeat that back to yourself.

We'll do it for a pint.

Julian: Okay. And some cigarettes.

No fucking way, Ronnie. You're not getting cigarettes!

Who's the target?

Lahey. I want you to aim for the head

but not the face, okay?

Make sure you don't stop until you see blood. Got it?

All right, pound it.

Oh, my fuck.

Unbelievable.

(Engine whirring)

That ought to do it.

Fucking awesome, Gorilla... Grant.

You're a fucking life-saver, man.

I thought I was gonna lose all my babies.

No hard feelings?

Well, I don't know about that, Rick.

My boss has got this thing GPS'd, okay?

I'm not going to get fired over this stuff.

I'm going to have to tell him some fuckwad with a gun held me up!

What the fuck are you talking about?

Listen, man. You seem like a nice guy.

But you make a lot of bad decisions all the time.

I'm not going to get fired over this.

Hold the fuck on here! We can work this out.

What if I was to set you up with... what about a bunch of lobsters?

Have a big lobster party back at your fucking office?

Yeah, that sounds pretty good, actually.

My boss is a real pig when it comes to that fancy rich food.

There we go. That's the spirit.

Let me make a call, all right?

You fuck with me today, you're getting smashed!

Just fucking letting you know, dickhead!

Yeah, what about the garlic butter and the salad?

Can you throw in that stuff too?

What the fuck do you think?

Hey, Julian. How's it going, man?

Well, not great.

Remember Gorilla Fingers, the guard at jail?

Yeah, well, he works for the power company now. I kidnapped him at gunpoint

and he says he's going to fucking tell on me.

How soon could you get me, like, 20, 30 pounds of lobster?

Tonight? You can have them by the morning. Is that cool?

That sounds awesome.

That's fucking perfect, Julian.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, whatever, Ricky. God damn it!

Looks like I'm poaching lobsters tonight,

thanks to fuckhead.

Why, what did he do now?

He kidnapped a power employee at gunpoint.

What? Yup.

Oh my fuck.

(Screeching, thud)

Randy: Camel balls! Sorry, Mr. Lahey.

Lahey: Oh, Randy... I'll be right back. I gotta pee.

Julian, I've got a fucking bad feeling about this.

Bubs... There's got to be another option.

Listen to me.

Lahey's been fucking us over our entire lives.

He even tried to kill us, for Christ's sakes!

This is not going to be that bad.

Don't worry about it.

Child: Let's get him!

(Glass shattering) Lahey: (Groaning)

Child: Keep hitting him. Bubbles: Oh, my fuck!

Jesus Christ, Julian! They're going to kill him!

Children: Good one! Come on, one more! Keep going!

It's too much! It's too much!

Call it off right now! No, no, hang on,

I told them not to stop until there was blood.

Child: I think I hit him in the head. Lahey: (Growling)

No, fuck this! I'm going in.

No, no, no! Just wait a bit longer.

Wait... Child: Keep going!

Oh, my fuck. They're going to kill him! Okay, here.

Get some blood on these, put it in the bag. Hurry up.

What? I'm not doing that! You fucking do it!

Bubs, I can't fucking do that! Think about it.

If I go in and fucking try to save him,

he's gonna be totally suspicious about that.

Hurry up, they're going to fucking kill him!

Hurry up! You're an asshole!

Children: That's enough, you guys. He's bleeding. Let's get the fuck out of here!

...get back here! You stop right there!

Jesus Murphy!

Those little bastards! Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Here, get up. (Grunting)

I'm okay, Bubbles. I'm okay.

I was just out... uhh...

collecting bugs with that and I was...

starting to get a cold and just about to blow my nose.

Here, you're bleeding.

Luckily I've got some nice fresh tissue there.

(Groans) Oh, Bubbles...

Get back here right now!

Who hired you, you little frigging punk?

Who hired you?

Okay. Yes, sir.

Here, you take one for yourself.

Keep some pressure on that.

But I think I left the iron on in my shed.

I gotta get back. I'll throw that away.

Okay? Okay, Bubbles.

You take care of yourself.

That was fucking terrible.

That was terrible.

Who hired you to do this, right now? Tell me! (Groaning)

Okay. Julian promised us a pint of rum. Ow!

He said not to stop until there was blood.

Julian!

How'd you make out, man?

Julian, that was fucking horrible!

That was fucked!

That can never happen again! That was fucked.

I didn't think it would be anywhere near that fucking crazy.

Did you get the blood?

Yes, I got his blood!

Okay, all we can do now is go and see Sam and see what he has to say.

Oh, that's all we can do?

Maybe we could actually just get rid of that

and forget that we tried to just kill Mr. Lahey.

Bubs, if we don't use the blood

to figure out if he's Ricky's father,

then he just went through that attack for no reason whatsoever.

Is that what you want, man? Huh?

Do you want that to be all for nothing?

No! All right.

Let's go see that big-lipped, cro-magnon- looking motherfucker

and see what he has to say. (Engine ignition)

Some people think I'm fucking nuts but there's been a lot of studying done

saying if you talk to your plants, they get growed bigger.

(Metallic crash) Oh, fucking whale whores!

Who the fuck left that right there?

(Sighs) Okay.

All right, my sweet little ladies, you ready?

Sunshine's back! (Click)

Ah, for fuck's sakes! Jesus fucking Christ!

(Shaky voice) Why do you keep fucking with me?

I'm not a bad guy.

Cameraman: Don't you want to pull the main switch there?

What? The main switch.

Ohh. Ricky fucked up.

Okay girls, here we go!

(Loud click) Yeah!

Tan my fucking bear's ass and tits!

I am so, so fucking sorry for what happened earlier.

Please forgive me and let's just move past this, okay?

You're beautiful, each and every one of you.

I love you guys.

To make up for that bullshit earlier,

I'm giving you an extra shot of nutrients for supper tonight.

(Spritzing)

How's that sound?

Hear that?

They are fucking pumped!

Corey: Four! Sarah: Four words.

One. First word.

Hug, hug.

Touch-down!

Seizure! "Saturday Night Fever"?

Four! Forty-one!

(Laughing) Fourth word.

(Frustrated groan)

A... angry! Arrgh!

Leapfrog! Leapfrog!

Thriller. Jesus Christ...

Horny toad!

It was fucking "Dances with the Wolves",

you cow-brained tit-dummies! Fuck!

Okay, I got one.

Ricky: Hey!

You stupid, heartless, fucking asshole!

My dad told me what you did. Yeah?

What the fuck are you doing kidnapping people, huh?

And thank you, I'm really looking forward to poaching lobsters tonight

because of you, for fuck's sakes! Yeah?

Well, I'm really fucking happy you almost killed my dad!

Look, Ricky, that was completely fucked. We're sorry.

Is he okay?

Don't tell me you were part of this.

I guess you can go fuck yourself too then!

Ricky, I didn't want to be!

I didn't really have a fucking choice.

There's always a choice.

That's why the fucking guy choiced to invent the word!

Look, man. I'm really sorry, okay?

I had to get his blood, that's the only thing I could come up with.

That's the only thing you could come up with?

Smashing my dad, the great-grandfather of fucking Motel,

in the head with bottles?

Why didn't you just ask him for his blood type, dummy?

I didn't think it was going to be that crazy.

I said I was sorry, man.

Okay, can we be cool? Because we've got a lot of shit to do.

"Can we be cool?" No, we can't fucking be cool.

Right now my brain's in override trying to sort out all these think-ages.

And it's really fucking pissed off at both of you.

So guess what? One for you, and two for you!

Fuck yourselves! Nice.

This is great, Julian. Really fucking nice.

Way to go. You can have one from me too.

Yeah? Well, one right back at you.

Yeah? Well, two right back at you.

Two back at you.

Three back at you, counting my wiener.

Always got to bring up your wiener, don't you? Huh?

Yeah, because you always... ask me about it.

Ah, fuck off! Ask me how it is,

and if it's still smooth and... Fuck...

(Dogs barking)

(Clicking, thud)

(Lighter clicking)

(Whispering) Come on, light...

(Click)

(Glass shattering, flames roaring)

All right. Let's go.

Bubbles: Guess this isn't so bad.

You guys seem to be getting along pretty good...

together. This is great.

I can love you guys equally as much

and there's nothing wrong with that.

(Giggling) (Knocking on door)

Julian: Bubs. Go away. I'm busy.

I'll just be a minute, man.

I've still got to go out and do some fucking poaching, for fuck's sakes.

Yeah, I was just listening to the news there, Julian.

Heard Sam had a bit of a fucking fire.

Yeah, he did.

Yeah, I wonder how that started.

Look man, this is important.

Yeah? Well, guess what?

Me losing my other best friend 'cause of you, that's important to me.

Like, what are we going to do now? Everything's fucked.

Well, things just got even more fucked.

How? I got the results from Sam.

We were right. Lahey's definitely not Ricky's father.

It's impossible with their blood types.

Oh, my sweet fuck!

Yeah, it's bad, man. But guess what else?

What?

(Sigh)

Ray's not Ricky's father either.

(Whispering) Oh, my God.

Ray's not Ricky's father...

(Theme music)

(Seabirds squawking)

Fish: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...

Fuck off! Jesus Christ!

(Whisper) Fuck.

(Light clicks off) Fuck off.