Original subtitles

Bubs, you hear from Ricky?

Not yet. I don't know where he's at.

For fuck's sakes, man. We've got to get out there.

The fucking window's closing.

Well, I don't think the lobsters

know how to pick the locks on the traps, Julian.

They're not going anywhere. What's all this shit for?

Just some gear we're going to need. And look, I got...

peanut butter and bacon sandwiches! Nice, nice, that's good.

But all the rest of this shit is not necessary, man.

I've already got it on my boat.

Julian, never underestimate the power of the sea

'cause the sea will take you down.

Jacques Cousteau, 1976. Bubs, I already have this stuff.

It's going to get in our fucking way.

Oh, yeah? Well, tell that to Gilligan, Julian.

Tell that to fucking Gilligan, going out for three hours.

All right... Look what happened to him.

Look... Look at me.

You've got to lose that fucking hat. Here.

I'm not losing the hat. The hat's cool.

I look like one of those souvenir guys at Peggy's Cove.

Exactly. You look like a dick.

Here's a real fisherman's hat. Put that on your head.

That's a real fisherman's hat, is it? Yes, it is.

Then how come nobody on Deadliest Catch

wears one of those fucking things?

Because they're all phoney TV reality stars, man.

They don't know what the fuck they're doing.

A boogie board? Are you fucking kidding me?

We might use the boogie board... There he is.

Julian: What the fuck, man? Where were you?

I was down at the fucking rink dealing with hockey camp registration bullshit

and parents asking about Wayne fucking Gretzky

and all the other NHL dicks! Ricky, out of respect

to the greatest fucking hockey player to ever play the game,

maybe you can't call him Wayne fucking Gretzky. Sorry, Bubs.

All right, boys, we've got to go. Come on! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

I'm fucking pumped, man. I needed a day like this

to clear my fucking head. I know.

Dad, we're ready to leave. Huh?

Hey, Motel! Grampy'll be back in a little while, all right?

Grampy's going fishing. High five!

Uhh, what do you mean? Boom!

What do you mean? You said you would look after him today.

No, I didn't, did I? Yeah, you did.

We asked you yesterday and you said,

and I quote, "It would be my pleasure-ment."

Seriously? Un-huh.

Okay, well I started drinking early yesterday,

and I smoked a lot of fucking dope. I don't remember that.

But, if I promised, then... Sorry, boys.

I'm a fucking word of my man.

Let's go, little buddy... (Pained sigh)

Will you please fucking heal? It's been a week already!

Ricky, Ricky, sack skin takes longer. It's very tender.

So this might be for the best, actually, you know,

'cause if you're down there hauling heavy lobster traps,

that thing could blow apart again.

You got spaghetti and meatballs.

Spaghetti and meatballs?

All the noodle stuff hanging out

with your unit, your meat marbles. Okay, little buddy,

even though it's your fault that you shot Grampy in the bag.

We're going to have a great little day today hanging out, aren't we?

Lots of helicopter ri-i-ides...

(Strained) Oh, my fuck.

(Growl) I'm serious.

If you don't fucking heal,

I'm cutting you off with a bag-cutting chainsaw!!

Fuck!

(Theme music)

Julian said that him and Bubbles could handle the lobster fishing

and Jacob and Cory are trending to the weed plants,

so spending a nice relaxing day with my gram-son

is probably the perfect thing to get my ball sack all heal't.

Isn't it, little buddy? We're going to have fun today.

Randy, what the fuck are you doing?

Give me that fucking camera, Randy, or I'm smashing it.

It's just a phone, Ricky. It's not a camera. Fuck...

Frig off! Don't fucking push me, Randy.

Oh, are your nuts still a little sore there, you little baby?

Only a moron blows his balls off with fireworks. Is that right?

Only a moron gets knocked the fuck out before he's told to fuck off!

Do you want to go? All right, let's go!

Randy, fuck off, Randy. Come on.

I'll make you look like a little idiot in front of your grandson.

Fuck, you know what, I don't care how sore my nuts are.

I'm punching you in the fucking neck right now. Oh, yeah?

Ah, you fucking dirty fucking prick!

(Groaning) Fuck!

Take that, Ricky. (Grunt)

You fucking wait till these get healed.

You know where to find me. Pussy! Oh, fuck!

(Groan) It's okay, Motel.

Grampy's nuts are mashed up in his tummy but he's okay.

Oh, fuck!

My fucking balls!

Randy's a fucking asshole, isn't he, little buddy?

(Groan)

(Grunting) That's it, man.

(Straining) This is going to be a big one, buddy!

(Exhaling) Holy fuck!

Come on, you cocksucker!

Come on, put some muscle into it.

I'm putting fucking muscle into it! (Grunt)

We got one! Got another one!

Bubs, it's tiny, man.

You can get bigger ones than that.

Oh, pardon me!

Who in the fuck do you think

pulled that big bastard in earlier, huh?

Okay, that was a nice one.

You know what? I might actually take him home

and keep him in a little tank next to my shed.

You're not going to have a pet lobster, man. Oh, I think I am.

And I think I'm going to call him Little Julian.

(Chuckling) Funny.

(In Conky voice) ♪ I had ♪

♪ The time of my life ♪

Bubs, put him in the fucking ice.

Give us a hug. Put him in the fucking ice!

Give us a little hug! Bubs! Put him in the fucking ice!

(Cackle)

Oh, come on. It's just teasie-weasies.

Fishing for lobsters is hard fucking work, believe me.

You've got the weight of the trap itself,

then you've got 10, 15 pounds of lobsters in there

coming from down 40, 50 feet.

It's a fucking workout, believe me.

Julian makes it look easy, though,

'cause he's got those great, big cartoon pipes like the son of Thor.

He just yanks them right up.

Who's ever seen somebody haul a fucking lobster trap with one arm?

There's no lobster in this one, man.

Fuck.

(Indistinct whisper)

How's your cookie?

Yummy.

Hey, Rick. How's my favourite little guy?

Since when am I your favourite little guy?

I was talking to Mo.

Hi, Mo. How's my funny little guy?

He really does like you, Lahey. I'll give you that.

Yeah, well, I like him a lot.

Who would have thought, one of my gram-kids liking you.

(Chuckle) Yeah, who could have imagined?

Um, how you doing anyway?

Randy just told me he beat you up. Are you okay?

He didn't fucking beat me up!

He knee-suckered me in the ball-sack.

I'm telling you, you better tell him to chill out on this cop-wannabe shit.

It's driving me fucking crazy. Yeah, well...

Ricky, about that... Whoo...

I heard a little rumour about you and Julian.

Oh, yeah? Well, if it's true,

and I hope it isn't, my advice to you would be

to move whatever it is you're doing out of the park right away.

(Sniffing) I've no idea what you're talking about.

All I'm saying is, uh,

Randy is his own man these days, as you know,

and I can't control him at all.

So, if it is true,

you better deal with it sooner than later.

Fuck's sakes.

I'm not saying I'm doing anything, but,

If I was, I wouldn't be able to deal with it today.

I've got Mo, I've got to deal with hockey camp bullshit.

Well, jeez,

I could take care of Mo for a couple hours.

But seriously,

you've got to handle this today.

Oh, fuck. Are you serious?

You don't mind watching him?

Not at all. You okay with Mr. Lahey?

Grampy's got to go deal with a couple of things, okay, little buddy?

I'll be back in a minute.

(Groaning in pain) Fuck!

Ugh...

Don't you pay any attention to Grumpy.

He's just a big pooper.

(Ship horn blasting) Oh, fuck! Get down!

Man: What are you doing with my traps? What? Get down?

You dirty cocksuckers! Julian: Get down!

Bubbles: Who's that? Hey, fellas!

(Gunshots) Bubbles: Jesus Murphy!

(Engine revving) Julian: Fuckers!

What the fuck are you doing, Julian? Fuck you!

(Gunshots) Bubbles: (Yelp)

Who in the fuck is that? Who are you firing at?

Don't worry about it.

What do you mean, don't worry about it? Who is it?

It's the guys that own the traps, man.

What? These aren't your fucking traps?

Bubs, no, none of them are, man.

Do you know how much a fucking lobster licence costs?

Oh, there's another fucking greasy job down to the résumé!

"Bubbles, professional lobster poacher!"

You would think after all these years

you would have learned from Jim Lahey

this grudge with Ricky and Julian is just not worth it.

It's a waste of time, it's a waste of taxpayer dollars.

Sorry about the grease.

As you can see,

the whole crime family starts with Ricky and Julian

and grows down and out like a tree.

Almost everyone in the park is growing weed for them.

A nice little high school project you've got going there, Randy.

If you don't mind, I have a lot of work to do.

Yeah, yeah. Come on, Randy. Let's not waste Chief Green's time.

This isn't a lot of evidence.

This isn't it.

You didn't mention to the chief all the video evidence that I have.

Hours of it, lots of incriminating stuff,

all filmed in HD 720p.

Ugh... okay.

You know, maybe...

I forgot to mention that.

You know, maybe, George, with this evidence, maybe...

you know, we should look into it.

Guys, I honestly don't give a fuck.

Do whatever you want!

Thanks, Chief Green. I won't let you down.

I'll record every step of the way.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck...

Julian, answer your fucking goddamn phone, man!

Recording: The customer you are trying to reach is out of range.

Please try again later.

Why do you keep fucking telling me this?

I'm trying to get in range! Help me the fuck out here!

Hello, fuckbrains, answer me!

Oh, fuck it! NASA go fuck yourself!

Oh, god damn it!

(Growling)

Fuck it! I have to fucking do everything myself, I guess.

(Engine struggling)

Come on! Come on, don't fuck with me today!

I've got to get this shit done!

(Engine revving)

Yeah, it sure is peaceful out here, Julian.

I mean, other than the pissed off fishermen

calling us dirty cocksuckers.

Yeah, I know the schedule

of almost every fucking fisherman on the eastern shore, bud.

I worked under the table for a lot of them for cash.

Well, that's how you know where all their traps are.

That's fucking greasy. Yeah, it's greasy,

but it's a great fucking supplement to the income.

I usually don't have a problem, man.

We just got out too fucking late.

(Engine slowing)

Know what, man?

Soon as I put this hat on my head and I hopped on board this boat,

I knew I'd found my calling, bud.

My own boss, I make all my own hours, man.

All this beautiful nature and shit, man, I fucking love it!

Oh, it's fucking awesome. Don't get me wrong, but...

I mean, you could come out here and do all this

as much as you wanted to anyway, even if you lived at the park.

I'd come with you whenever you wanted to, Julian.

I mean, you know...

I love fishing for these dirty cocksuckers, you know.

It's like you get a tasty little reward at the end of the day.

Yeah, thank fuck I don't like lobsters, man.

I'd be eating all my profits.

What are we doing here? Where are we? Is there...

more traps out here?

I just wanted to show you this.

What? This, man. All this.

What is it? It's what I've been working towards, man.

All this cove right here, it's all for sale.

We could all move out here, buddy.

Think about it. No more bullshit, no more fucking jail.

Your pizza sauce plant can go right over there.

See? That clearing.

And then Ricky and his trailer can go there.

My fucking trailer can go right over there.

Your shed can go right in between it.

It's our future, man.

Are you serious? We could buy this and live out here?

You're fucking right, we could.

Oh my God, you know what?

This might be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, Julian.

I fucking love it, man.

Do you think we could take a selfie

with that in the background, you know? Show it to Ricky.

Fuck, yeah.

We'll get the cove and shit in the background

Okay, here. Let me get it cued up.

Here, grab Little Julian.

We don't need Little fucking Julian.

Come on, Julian. He's family now.

(Sigh)

Fuck it...

He's not going to be fucking happy about this.

No, he's clapping. Look.

He's pissed off. Say cheese, Little Julian.

Decent.

That's nice.

Yeah, the lobster's cool, man.

Fuck phones and fuck NASA and their shitty fucking receptions

and frequencies and whoever the fuck I was talking to!

I need soil, I need the fucking plants moved...

This is a goddamn shit-show!

(Clicking)

Seriously, you're going to fuck with me too, are you?

Well, fuck you!

Oh, jeez... Thank fuck.

Listen, man, I need a huge fucking favour right now.

Fuck, no, man, it has to be right now!

Like, how much weed's it going to take to make this happen?

Julian: Well, I hope to fuck this works, man.

Bubbles: Well, I mean, you're bringing him some fucking serious... lobsters.

Everybody loves those scrum-diddly bastards.

Hello! Sonny!

Anybody here?

(Gun clicking) What's going on out here?

Oh, relax, man. It's me, Julian.

I got your lobsters. Sonny: Oh... oh!

I actually got double what I owe you, man, but...

I need a favour. Oh, what's that now?

The guy down at the hydroponics store

said you bought the last of that Nuclear Bloom shit.

We really need to borrow some, man. Like, bad.

Well... yeah, yeah, I got... I got some I could give you,

if you're in a jam.

Oh, we're in a jam-eroo, doodley-doo.

If you help me get out of a jam, that is.

Yeah, what's... what is it?

Come on.

Meet Big Ronnie.

Those two mongoloids you sent me

didn't fill the barrel to the rim

and I've got to ship the goods out in the morning.

Huh? Now, he's got a big pipe hanging off him,

so you're going to have to use two hands.

Yeah, you've just got to get a good solid grip on her

and he'll shoot three or four times if you keep going.

But he is one horny bastard.

(Whispering) Sweet merciful Jesus, Julian.

It's like a giant, skin-covered tree-trunk.

Isn't there a fucking machine that can do this, man?

Oh, no, no. These Japanese buyers

are very particular about their semen.

We don't use machines, we don't use lube.

They want it all organic. So, uh...

(Spitting) Spit.

Spit's the only thing you can use.

(Whispering) Oh, my fuck.

I'll hold the bucket. No fucking way!

I think you should just do what he said. You need to get a good grip.

Who's going to get a better grip than you with those big things.

No, no, no. We're at least doing rock, paper, scissors.

It's the fair thing to do, man.

That's what friends would do.

Put it up... Put it up!

(Sigh)

Both: One, two...

(Pleasant music playing on radio)

It's a nice day out today, huh?

Yeah, gorgeous... day.

It's supposed to be just as nice tomorrow.

Oh? I didn't hear that.

Do you want a drink?

No. We probably should wash our hands, Julian,

before we start putting anything to our mouths.

(Music on radio)

Ah, fuck.

All right, kids. I want you to fill the trunk with dirt.

And we need a shit-ton, so no fucking around.

What the hell does this have to do with hockey?

Yeah, we paid a lot of money for this.

Did the Karate Kid ask Mr. Jumanji why he had to wax the fence? No.

So do this and you'll be catching flies with your hockey sticks in no time

just like that little Mexican prick.

You are really not that bright, are you?

Can I help you? Can I help you?

Fuck are you guys doing? Are you fucking retarded?

(Quietly) Get over here!

I'm not, but they all are.

And the politician correct term is mental challenged there, fuck brains!

Look, I'm trying to start a dumb garden

and the guy from the church said he'd donate the dirt.

They're trying to get to the Special Olympics.

Who said that? My dad?

I don't know who it was. One of their parents was talking to somebody

and that's what he said, so...

Anyway, look, this guy's not very good at shovelling.

Can you give him a hand here?

It's not your fault, bud.

You just keep fucking up.

You'll get it.

Bubs, what happened was fucked

but you've got to suck it up, soldier!

We've got the nutrients, we're back on track

and we're going to be rich in 29 fucking days, man!

Oh, yeah? Or we're going to jail in 29 fucking seconds!

(Sigh) Fuck's sakes...

(Truck door opening)

Julian: What the fuck is going on?

21 separate grow-ops, that's what the frig's going on, tough guy!

Hands on the car. Come on, come on. You know the drill.

Bubs, hands on the car. Julian, they're putting Mo in here with us!

What? Are you arresting babies now, Randy?

I'm arresting everyone involved, Julian.

Where's the search warrant, Ted? This is bullshit.

George: Warrants, you mean.

21 of them. Right here.

George! You're arresting innocent people here, for fuck's sake!

Yeah, me included. I didn't do a fucking thing!

I'm not arresting anybody. Yet.

Until we go through the long process of sorting through all this evidence,

I have the right to detain and question

every fucking one of you.

Including you two scumbags.

Pu the drink down, Julian.

Oh, Julian, just put the fucking drink down. We're in enough trouble!

Don't try to be Clint Eastwood here!

If you want to question me, you question me right here, right now,

because, unless you put me under arrest,

I'm not going anywhere.

That's how you want to play it, is it?

What are we going to do, Ted?

(Laughter) (Ice clinking)

Well!

That's assaulting a police officer with open liquor, bud.

Gotta be fucking kidding me.

Take them away, boys! What?

Give us the drink. No, no, no, no. I'm innocent.

Give me the glass... How about I call my fucking lawyer?

Julian, just give him the fucking glass! Don't make it any harder.

Fuck it! Hands behind your back.

Fuck off, Ted.

I know how to get into a goddamn police car.

You, hands behind your back.

I can do it, Ted. I can do it.

I've done it many fucking times! All right, guys.

Start with this shit-hole.

With pleasure, sir.

What the hell's going on here, George?

Heh. Ask your partner here.

Maybe he can teach you a few things

about gathering something you just never seem to be able to get, Jim.

Evidence.

I was a better officer than you'll ever be, George!

How the dumbest... "Officer"?

See these stripes on my arm, Jim?

I am the Chief.

These stripes mean I can do whatever the hell I want.

(Chuckle) I earned them.

So, if you don't want to get taken in,

I suggest you walk the fuck away.

Pretty nice police work there, Randy.

I really thought for a while

you were probably wasting our time but...

nice job.

Thanks.

Man: Hey, Chief!

Lots of grow equipment.

No plants, though.

(Sigh)

Nice job, Randy.

This is just one trailer.

There's 20 more with lots of plants.

I've got video evidence.

Boy: (Whispering) Stupid fucking hockey school.

Excuse me. Yeah?

Can you tell me why my children are so covered in dirt

and exhausted from shovelling and running all day?

This is supposed to be a hockey school.

It is. Today was the ground strength training day.

Ground strength training day? They're supposed to be playing hockey.

No, they're supposed to be learning how to play hockey. It's a hockey camp, dummy.

If you don't like the way I'm running things around here, take your kid,

fuck off and don't come back. I don't give a fuck.

Why don't you eat my dick?

Why don't you finger me?

Well... maybe I will.

All right, great. Good.

Thanks for coming out.

(Engine ignition)

(Electronic music blasting on car stereo)

Right on, boys. Holy fuck!

What's up, man? You're gonna owe us big for this one, G.

No fucking kidding. I hope Lahey wasn't fucking with me.

No, man. Five-O was just rollin' in as we was leavin'.

A whole bunch of them, too. Are you fucking serious?

Dead serious.

Fucking Randy, the cop wannabe idiot!

It feels good to fuck him over though, boys. That's what I'm saying.

Right on. Grab the rest of the plants and meet me inside.

I must say that I'm pretty proud of myself.

Chief Green said that he wanted to talk to me.

I hope it's about my acceptance into the police academy.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

(Knocking on door) Chief?

George: Get the fuck in here, Randy.

Sit your ass down.

So...

Ted's telling me you're looking to get into the academy.

Yes, sir. I was hoping that after the bust today,

you'd give me a recommendation.

Do you know what I was hoping for, Randy?

I was hoping you weren't as dumb as your boyfriend.

But I should have known better.

I should have realized

that when a person learns everything they know about detective work

from a drunk trailer park supervisor

who's quite possibly the shittiest cop to ever put on a police uniform,

that that person is going to fuck things up.

Sir?

We've got nothing!

What about all the grow equipment,

all the video evidence I documented?

Do you have any idea

the amount of bullshit I have to deal with now because of you?

Don't you ever set foot in this building again

or for as long as I'm the police chief of this station!

(Yelling) Do I make myself clear?

(Whimpering) Yes, sir. Good!

Now get the fuck out of my office!

I can't believe how much time we wasted on you.

Get out! (Glass shattering)

Damn idiot! Fuck!

Ricky: (Incredulous laughter)

Fucking Jesus!

The cocksuckers didn't have to smash all the fucking equipment!

What happened?

There's nothing illegal, eh?

I had to hide in my goddamn closet!

What the fuck are you talking about?

George Green and his fucking goons.

They came flying in here and arrested everybody in sight!

And it's all because of you,

you braindead cocksucker!

Motherfucker!

Don't be throwing shit on my fucking car!

(Clattering)

Fuck!

(Tires skidding on gravel)

Fuck... Hey!

What the fuck did you do?

There was no plants. We got rid of them.

I know! I know!

They didn't care!

They even took Mo!

I thought you were fucking cool warning me,

but no! You fucked me!

(Grunting) Ricky...

you can't honestly believe that I had anything to do with it!

They even took Mo away!

You know how I feel about that little guy!

You put my family in jail, you son of a bitch!

My fucking gram-son!

Things are different now, Ricky!

I'm sorry about hurting your family!

I promise I'll never fucking do it again, bud!

Listen! Ricky!

Listen, Rick.

I'm sorry about what I did to you,

and to Ray, and to your fucking mother!

My mother?

Why the fuck are you talking about my mom?

Rick!

It's useless to resist, Rick.

Don't let yourself be destroyed like Ray did.

What the fuck are you talking about?

(Fighting grunts)

(Loud clack) Fuck!

I think you just broke my hand, you fucking idiot!

What's happened to you, Ricky?

Don't make me destroy you.

Destroy me?

Rick...

save yourself.

Join me.

Help me to run Sunnyvale.

You have no idea the power we'd have.

With our combined strengths

we could end the bullshit

and we could bring order to Sunnyvale!

What the fuck are you talking about?

I will never join you!

Ray never told you

what happened to your mother, did he?

Yes, he did. He told me enough.

He told me the reason she left Sunnyvale

is because you were being such a fucking asshole!

That's a lie!

Ricky...

I am your father.

No... No!

That's not true. That's impossible!

Search your feelings.

You know it's the truth.

No-o-o-o!

No!

(Thud)

(Theme music)

(Seabirds squawking)

Fish: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...

Fuck off! Jesus Christ!

(Whisper) Fuck.

(Light clicks off) Fuck off.