Original subtitles

( ** )

(Kitten meowing)

Fuck off! Get off me!

Get off me!

Are you okay, little buddy,

are you having a nightmare?

Yeah, I just keep having this...

same dream over and over about these dickweeds

that are picking on me.

Oh. You used to get bullied, huh?

Yeah. Those cocksuckers!

Yeah, me too.

You know, it's so easy for jerks

to make fun of the fat, nerdy guy.

You were a nerd? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but you know what? Bullies are pussies.

Plus I got the ultimate revenge.

Now I live in a big house in Beverly Hills

and those guys live... somewhere else.

By the way, thanks for letting me

cross this one off my bucket list.

I slept like a baby up here last night.

A baby? I don't think...

babies do what you were doing.

I was laying there in the dark last night

trying to get to sleep.

Next thing you know, I hear creaky-weaky,

rubby-wubby, moany-moany.

I tried clearing my throat a couple times,

but he didn't even break stride.

I didn't know what to do. I just laid there being quiet.

He was feeding the geese.

(Main theme)

( ** )

( ** )

I gotta know, man. What the fuck is up with you

always putting your hands up?

Oh, I'm just high-fiving, but nobody ever hits it

'cause they don't get it, you know?

Waazzaaaap!

That's amazing. He's really going to wait for it.

Hey, Tom. Hey.

Me and Lucy wanted you to have that.

It's my favourite one. You might have to wash it, okay?

Oh, definitely, definitely.

Well, thank you very, very much. You bet. You bet.

I appreciate it. Hey, Bubbs.

Hey. How's it going, boys?

B-Unit, what it do, man?

You just in time for breakfast.

Two scoops of raisins, baby.

Two scoops of raisins!

So are you all pumped up, man? Today's the big day!

I am pumped, Ricky. I'm not nearly as nervous

as I thought I'd be. Oh, no?

I just got to get my guitar together

and I'm fucking ready to go!

Oh, no, man, you don't got to do that shit.

You're a rock star now. Cory!

Get in there and pack up Bubbles' guitar and shit.

Let's go! Move it! Get the fuck in there!

Bubbles: I've got my own roadies now!

You big time now, baby.

You might be able to get you some bling, man.

Some ice, some gold, silver...

Look at the flick of the wrist.

I should get some bling?

Snoop: You motherfucking right.

I'm glad you're pumped, man. I thought you'd be a lot more nervous.

You really didn't get a chance to practice

as much as you usually do, did you?

And won't there be, like, a lot more people here

than you're used to playing in front of?

I woke up this morning all excited.

I had an excitement boner like that.

Then Ricky started fucking... blabbing

and down she went!

Now I'm nervous!

I didn't even think of that until you said it.

Thanks a lot. Now I'm getting all...

look, I'm all jinkety-janged! No, no, no.

You can't be getting nervous on us, homie.

We're all gonna be there.

We got your back.

You guys are really going to come?

We wouldn't miss it for the world, Bub-buddy. Yeah!

Decent!

Hey, is there going to be any, like, uh...

food around here at any point that we could eat?

You haven't eaten yet?

All they have to eat around here is edibles.

It's like heaven at first,

but it's like you're at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

After a couple days, you want something other than candy.

It's a piece of shit!

Steinberg: Yeah, I'll draw up that Letter of Intent.

All right, cool.

That heavy hitter of a fucking lawyer

did some digging and precedents and shit.

Oh-ho-ho-ho, that ass-pincher knows contract law

like the back of his cock! (Laughing)

Okay, so what are you fucking saying?

Doesn't look good.

I thought you said this guy was the best.

Oh, yeah, yeah, he is.

That's why he's so damn expensive.

Well, I want to meet this guy, man.

Enough of this fucking middle man shit.

Yeah, yeah, sure. No problem.

I'll just, uh, I'll just him on the phone here.

Of course, it's going to cost you 100 bucks

whether he picks up or not.

200 if he does.

The meeting's going to be another 600.

You've got to be fucking kidding me!

No, no, no. I've got his number around here somewhere.

Fuck it! Don't...

Just fuck it. Yeah...

I'm not paying that kind of money.

I know, I know, I know. It's like getting stabbed in the tea bag

with a butter knife, isn't it?

Yeah, but who knows?

You know, he might still come up with something.

Yeah, what if he doesn't?

Well, let's just say at that point

your options are... well, they're limited.

But there's options? Yeah.

You know, uh... a big sack of dough might go a long way

in swaying their decision.

You mean bribe the judge?

Yeah, you know, you might want to start stuffing nuts

into your cheeks, big boy.

(Sighing)

(Sniffing) Do you smell that?

(Sniffing) That aroma, it's amazing.

Mexican food somewhere.

That's the answer.

Woman: Hola.

Doug: Hola! ¿Como estas?

Muy bien.

You are fucking caliente.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

And I live in Hollywood.

Hollywood? Mm-hmm.

Caliente.

We're learning each other's language!

Why are you wasting it all like that?

Weird.

(Blowing hard)

(Electronic beep)

Look at that!

0.24!

I should be in a coma now, bud!

(Wheezing laughter)

The liquor will figure it out.

The liquor's going to figure out

how to get us back into the park

and then we can play with our little friends.

The liquor will do the driving

and then we'll just kick back on booze control.

Then... (Giggling)

(Rattling)

...we bring out the heavy artillery.

(Imitating explosion)

(Hinges creaking)

Oh, sweetie!

Look at you!

Wow. You look fucking beautiful, Trin.

It's perfect.

Done. I say we get it.

Box it up, patch it up,

whatever the fuck you do with that stuff.

Let's go, please, right now!

You mean this one?

You know it's $2,800?

2,800 fucking dollars?

We just looked at the used one down the street.

It was 75 bucks! It does the same fucking thing!

That one had a big old sex stain on the front of it though, man.

Trinity: Well, that's okay. We might be able

to get it out with bleach or something.

(Sighing)

Have you saved up any more money?

Like, only 73 dollars and 48 cents.

That's everything I have.

Don't you work like nine fucking jobs?

What's wrong with you? Yeah, I do but... (Sighing)

like, there's bills to pay, man.

I pay for the heat. I pay for the cable.

I buy most of the groceries for the house.

I don't if you knew this but...

Trinity: It's okay. It's okay, Dad.

No, it's not fucking okay.

Woman: You know what, $2,800

is a lot of money for some people.

Fuck off with that shit.

I've got money.

Here's 1,000 bucks for now.

Put it on wayallay.

No daughter of mine's getting married

in a dirty old fucking jizz dress.

Thanks, Dad!

Julian: Hey, boys, what's up?

Tom: Hey, muscles.

Having an owners meeting without me or what?

Well, I... We aren't owners yet,

so we got a few things we want to cross off the old bucket list first.

What's that? Uh...

we would like to see Lahey

10-out-of-10 drunk. Definitely.

We want to meet that crazy drunk motherfucker.

Yeah. Boys, Lahey's not drinking any more.

Oh, yeah, it'd be real hard

to get him back on the liquor, right?

Yeah! Yeah. (Laughter)

Boys, I'm not getting him back on the fucking booze.

You have no idea what he's like

to actually deal with. Man, like it or not,

that motherfucker's a part of Sunnyvale. Mm-hmm.

(Sighing) All right, I... I'll see

if I can get him here to at least meet you guys.

Okay. What's the other thing?

Well, this one's a bit of a bigger ask. Um...

Go on, tell him what you want! (Laughing) Okay!

I want to bang Lucy. (Scoffing)

What the fuck are you talking about, man?

You can't fucking bang Lucy.

Listen, I'll give you $10,000 US.

You set it up. (Sigh) Man!

Lucy's with Ricky. Nah, nah, nah, nah.

They broke up, so it's time for you to get in

where you fit in, Tom. Yeah.

Plus I want the full Ricky experience. (Sighing)

$10,000.

If anybody can do it, buddy,

you can. (Sighing) Come on.

(Chanting) Ricky! Ricky! Ricky! Jesus Christ, boys.

(Lusty cackling)

I'm not feeling real good

about this whole "Tom wanting to bang Lucy" thing.

It fucking sucks!

And now I'm the fucking middle man with the whole thing

and I'm going to have to take a cut.

I just hope Ricky doesn't find out.

Sarah, is, uh, Lucy or Ricky around?

No, they're still out dress-shopping.

Oh, fuck!

Why? What's wrong?

(Sigh) Everything's cool.

There's something really fucked up happening.

Just keep this between you and I. Yeah.

Tom Arnold wants me to offer Lucy five grand

to bang him. What the fuck?

I know! What the fuck is that?

I mean, obviously I can't do that, for fuck's sakes!

Ricky would lose his goddamn mind.

Ricky would be pretty pissed.

Yeah. It's fucked.

All right.

But you know what?

I just keep thinking that's a lot of money

and that would really help things out with the wedding and...

Are those guys still broken up?

All right, okay. Forget about it. I'll deal with it, okay?

(Spray hissing)

Oh, fuck! She's going all blobby on me!

(Vehicle approaching)

Ricky!

Ricky, can you help me with some spraying?

Do that feathering thing you learned in jail?

I can't right now, Bubbs, sorry.

Julian, we need to talk right the fuck now, man.

I've got to have two grand.

Rick, I'm working on it.

No, you keep saying you're fucking working on it.

You haven't given me a goddamn cent!

Look, I've got to buy some shit.

Trinity needs a dress. I need two grands.

Rick, I need to borrow your car.

We'll talk about this later.

Same old fucking bullshit!

Bubbles: Cocksucker!

Dropped her. Sorry, Bubbs.

Here... let me fix that for you.

I guess you really fucked this up, didn't you?

Who are you supposed to be with this on your head, anyway?

Super Bling Cowboy.

What does that mean?

Super Bling Cowboy.

I'm like a cowboy, but I'm...

gangsta rapper.

You know...

hybrid.

All right.

Four grand!

Who the fuck does he think he is?

I know, can you imagine?

Honestly, Luce, if he asked me, I might do it.

Really?

Yeah. He's really famous.

And he's rich.

He's kind of funny.

And it would make a great story.

You're being serious. Yeah.

Like, you could fix a lot of shit with four grand.

(Sigh) I couldn't do it. Ricky'd freak out.

Lucy, Ricky doesn't ever have to know.

Four grand could change your life.

Lahey: Julian! Hey, Jimmy.

Hey! Holy fuck, man,

I thought you were sober.

Horse tranqs, bud!

It's beautiful! Jesus Christ.

What are you doing back with him, man?

Me and old Jimmy boy are a team again.

How do you like them apples?

To what do we owe this sexual-less pleasure, Ju-ly-an?

There are some celebrities back at the park. Yeah.

They want to meet you. Really?

I know you don't owe me anything,

but I'm asking you this one favour. What?

Come back to the park with me.

That'll take 10 minutes.

Leslie: Celebrities?

Come back to the park? Yeah,

then I'll bring you right back.

10 minutes, that's all I'm asking.

You want me to go back to the park?

Yeah.

The liquor figured it out!

Lahey & Leslie: The liquor figured it out!

The liquor figured it out!

Figured what? The liquor figured it out!

Thanks, Cory.

Just like a real roadie.

Thanks for the drive, Ricky. No problem.

Promise me you guys will be here.

Well, I can't promise, but I'm pretty sure we will be, buddy.

Why, what do you mean you can't promise?

I can't see in the fucking future. Nobody can.

Well, can you promise me

that you'll try to be on time, please?

I can't. I mean, what if I leave here

and crash in a telephone pole and get dead?

Then my promise would actually be a lie.

I don't want to be known as a liar.

Jesus Christ, Ricky,

are you going to fucking be here or not? (Sigh)

I hope so. I don't know for sure,

but that's the plan. I plan to be here.

(Shouting) Shyeah! Hooray!

Wha...!

Sunnyvale, I'm back!

Snoop: Oh, hell, yeah!

Oh, my God, the world's greatest drunk!

Snoop: Somebody get these motherfuckers a drink.

Oh, yeah! No, he doesn't need any more booze.

He's fucked, boys. No, I'm not, Julian,

No, no, no... I'm only 6-out-of-10.

Right! He's not that fucked.

We said 10-out-of-10 fucked. 10!

Me and Snoop said that. Tom, Tom,

he's 10-out-of-10, trust me.

No, no, no, no, no, no! You know what you need?

Old-fashioned chug off. Am I right?

(Chanting) Chug off! Chug off! No fucking way!

Various: Chug off! Chug off!

Chug off! Chug off! Chug off!

Now I'm all fucking worked up.

Ricky: What are you worked up about?

Well, I just want you to say,

"I promise you I'll be here,"

and you're not saying it

and I'm getting... feels like something's fishy.

Listen, I can't fucking promise.

Real life-y shit moves around the world.

I can promise feels, I can promise I love you,

but I can't fucking promise I'm gonna be here for sure.

I plan to be fucking here, but I don't really know!

Oh-h, then I guess I can't fucking promise that I can do this.

Kick some ass, buddy. You'll be great.

I can't promise, Ricky.

No, you can... Obviously.

Nice one, Cory...

You've got everything fucking mixed up.

You're making me mix up my thoks and words.

Well, you've got me all fucking worked up!

Thanks, Ricky! Love you, buddy.

Cory, if you fucking bump into me again, you're getting one.

Snoop: Damn.

Let's go, y'all. Round 6, motherfuckers!

Here we go! Yeah!

Various: (Chanting) Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Shhhhh! Shhhhh!

(Cheering)

Thank you.

(Cheering)

Woman: (Chuckling)

Ricky: Luce, you here?

(Giggling) What the fuck is going on over at Julian's?

What are you guys doing? Drinking?

Yeah, you know what? Sorry.

I think I should leave you guys alone.

Don't want to be here for this.

What the hell's going on?

Okay, Rick, we need to have a talk.

Uh, but first I want you to drink this.

Oh, thanks, Luce.

I fucking love these things. Jelly shooties!

Pffft! Fuck!

(Laughter)

J-Roc: Ain't that a mafk!

13 rounds! Oh my Christ,

Guinness Book of Selection...

That's gotta be a record, dawg.

You guys wanted 10-out-of-10 drunk?

There's 10-out-of-10 fucked!

Greatest day ever, buddy! Fucking right!

All right, guys, we've got to see Bubbs play.

Come on, let's go! Let's do it!

Ricky: Hey, Hollywood slut-fuck!

Four grand to bang my woman?

How about four grand to beat your fucking face into your cock?

(Impact) What the fuck, man, Ricky!

(Guitar music)

* Can you temper fire

* With the fla-a-a-me of the poor man's... *

* Cross an ocean and off to war *

* Fight for an old man's chosen flag *

I offered Julian 10 grand!

What? What the fuck, Julian?

Sarah: 10 grand? You told me 5 grand, Julian!

Damn, Julian, you a motherfucking pimp, huh?

Lucy: Five grand? You told me "four", Sarah!

Sarah: Yeah, well, I didn't think you'd actually consider it, Lucy.

Ricky: You actually considered it?

You didn't tell me that, Lucy.

And Julian, what the fuck, man? You knew about this?

You can go fuck yourself sideways!

Lucy: Yeah, and you can go fuck yourself, Sarah!

Would you settle the fuck down!

Fuck, man, it's not what you think.

Uh, it's actually exactly what you think, Ricky. Exactly.

Bullshit! Mm-hmm! For fuck's sakes!

You know what? All of you guys are fucked

except, actually, me...

Actually, I haven't got fucked, yet.

Ricky: Oh, you Hollywood motherfucker!

Snoop: Wait! Wait! Wait... Gonna fucking kill you!

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Break this shit up, man.

Look, Bubbs is about to get on stage and you're all bullshitting, man.

Man, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, fuck, we're late.

I'll go, but I'm only going for fucking Bubbles.

We're no longer fucking friends!

Yeah, you want to hit me? Yeah, maybe I do!

I'm not a-scared of either one of you dicks!

Fuck yourselves! Oh, fuck this. Let's go see Bubbs.

Okay! Great stuff, there!

Let's hear it, everybody, for Nightingale Cummings!

Audience: (Cheers, applause)

Nice stuff, great stuff, there.

Next we have, uh, Bubbles.

Come on up here, Bubbles!

There he is. Come on up here!

(Cheering)

There you go. Good luck.

(Whispering) Give me my guitar here.

Okay, good luck, dude.

Cory, people say "break a leg" in the biz.

Yeah, I know, but I didn't want you to get hurt, dude.

Just give me my fucking guitar.

Oh, here you go. Oh, my fuck!

Cory, what the fuck did you do?

What is that? That's... your guitar.

It's not. It's a fucking ukulele, Cory!

It's a completely different instrument.

Oh, my God. Hey, everybody!

How are you doing this afternoon?

(Cheering)

All right, say hi to my new roadie here, Cory.

He doesn't know the difference between a guitar and a ukulele, apparently.

(Nervous laughter)

That's all right, though.

I'll see if I can play this thing.

I'm pretty good on 'er.

All right, so I'm going to start off here

with a little track by Willie Nelson.

Here we go. Oh, oh, oh! Excuse me, uh...

(Whispering)

(Indistinct whispers)

Okay, apparently, uh, it's only original music

allowed in the contest.

I was unaware of that.

So I'm going to see what I can...

Oh, excuse me, also, well, we have...

There's, uh, a special on hot chicken

and hot turkey sandwiches

all afternoon! Whoo!

Audience: (Cheering)

All right then.

Chicken sandwich just got a bigger cheer than I did.

Okay. Just hang on here.

Where's the cord? How do you make this thing...

(Drum beat playing)

That's a nice country beat there.

Okay, let's get clapping.

(Rhythmic clapping)

(Ukulele **)

Here we go!

( ** )

* Who likes chicken? Well, I do *

* Who likes turkey? Well, that's me too *

* Everybody likes their gravy on their fries *

* Now he's playing pool

* And I look like a fool

* But I don't... (Strumming dissonant chords)

Holy fuck! That's a terrible song!

Just wait, now, just give me one second here.

(Drum beat continues playing) (Awkward strumming)

* Oooh...

* Everybody... (mumbling)

Holy fuck!

Bubbs, come on, dude. You got this!

Cory, you're making me more nervous... I believe in you, man!

I've been very nervous about the day here today, folks,

and I'm just...

Just bear with me, please. I'm just getting nervous.

Ricky: Hey, Bubbs, what the fuck are you doing man?

You're not fucking this up, are you?

Hey, man, sorry we late,

we about to turn this motherfucking party up.

Bubbles: Fuck this!

Snoop Dogg, everybody! Let's...

Audience: (Cheering, barking)

Bubbles: Snoop Dogg in the house!

(Applause, cheering continues)

Snoop: Never fear, the family is here.

(Hip-hop beat playing)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

we'd like to welcome you to the Legion

where you're about to witness the 8th Wonder of the World.

(Playing riff) And you're about to see something

you never thought you'd witness before.

Straight up out the trailer park.

Sunnyvale, to be exact.

Somebody make some noise for my boy, Bubb.

Audience: (Cheering)

Yeah, see, we just came to blow your mind

and give you something smooth

to help you get you feeling

like you're supposed to feel.

So, without further ado,

J-Roc, MC Flurry,

y'all come on up here and get some of this shit.

(Cheering) Yeah, come and get some...

Yeah. Sunnyvale's finest.

Hey, yo, Rick, Tom, Julian,

Doug, y'all come on up here and get some of this shit.

This a family affair, y'all.

This is how we do it, man.

We'd like to welcome y'all to the Legion.

You in the presence of family, friends, and loved ones.

And this is what we do.

(Rapping) Uh, 'cos he's the B to the U to the double B

(Rapping) And he's the D to the O to the double G

(Rapping) And I'm the J to the R to the... (Beatboxing) C!

I'm MC motherfucking Flurry! Yeah!

He's the B to the U to the double B Huhhh!

And the D to the O to the double G

And I'm the J to the R to the O-O-O-C

I'm MC motherfucking Flurry!

* All we wanna do

* Is smoke and fuck some hos *

* 'Cause all we wanna do *

* Is smoke and fuck some hos *

Sing it with me, fellas!

All: * All we wanna do

* Is smoke and fuck some hos

* 'Cause all we wanna do

* Is smoke and fuck some hos

Sing it with me, y'all.

* All we wanna do

* Is smoke and fuck some hos

Sing it with me, y'all.

* All we wanna do

* Is smoke and fuck some hos

* All we wanna do

* Is smoke and fuck some hos

(Cheering)

Give it up for Bubbles, y'all!

My favourite!

Your favourite!

He's got to be the champ!

Don't doubt him,

crown him!

Bubbles, y'all!

Straight up out of motherfucking Sunnyvale!

(Indistinct)

(Cheering)

( ** )

He's got a little hat!

Who would have guessed that, you know,

the trophy I win has got the same hat on.

You and Elvis. That's the good luck charm

right there, that hat. I know.

Look at that thing. Platinum hat for platinum artist.

That's the best thing I've ever won.

Holy fuck, it is you.

They wouldn't let us in 'cause we're too young.

Will you sign this?

Shit, not a problem, my man.

These are the dickweeds

that were calling me names,

calling me nerd.

Is that true?

I just called him a nerd.

And retarded.

Snoop, you're my idol though, dawg.

Come on, I can't believe I'm talking to you right now.

You're not talking to me. I'm talking to you.

Let me tell you something.

All that bullying shit, that shit ain't cool.

Talking about my cousin, really not cool.

You see, 'cause one day, you're going to wind up on a motherfucker

that's going to knock your ass out.

It may even be today. You feel me?

Uh, yeah... You know what? You look like a girl.

And I bet your butt-buddies like that,

but I'm going to shave your head, then I'm going to come to your house,

shave your mom's head, and her ass... Tom, Tom, Tom!

You're bullying him, man. I am?

Yeah, kick back. Oh, shoot, right. I am sorry.

Look here, apologize to my cousin.

Look, I'm sorry that I called you... (Grunt)

Get going! Beat it! (Derisive laughter)

Snoop Dogg, dispensing weed and justice!

Yeah! The American way.

That was awesome, Snoop. Yeah, it was, baby.

Thank you. You know what?

That calls for a hug. Okay, man, celebrate,

hug it out. Group hug, group hug!

Come on, Ricky. Group hug.

Ricky? Bubbs, I'll hug you,

but I'm not hugging this dick or that dick.

Okay... Oh, Ricky.

Look, okay, just shake my hand here.

All right, Bubbs, man. Good job.

Get in here! (Laughter)

Group hug, man. This is what we're going to do, right?

Now, we're gonna go back to the park

and we're gonna smoke some dope

and we're going to fuck some hos. (Laughing)

But let's get a break before we go. Okay.

Ready, set, ho!

All: Ho!

Let's get it. Yeah!

(Music blasting in the distance)

(Distant cheering, laughter)

Thanks. (Sighing)

(Dog barking in the distance)

Ricky, I would never do anything that...

I thought would hurt you,

and I would never have really gone through with it.

So...

It's not even really the banging thing that bugs me.

It's just... I started thinking, like...

what if you did it and it was fucking really good

and then maybe you for to got in love with him.

Next thing I know, you're living down in fucking "Everly Hills"

in some big movie mansion and I'm oft here all by my-fucking-self.

Like... like I'd fall in love with him.

No? No, all right?

I'm not going to fall in love with Tom Arnold

because I love you.

Right?

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, I guess it's not really that big of a deal.

It's no different than you banging George Green.

Or Cyrus.

Or Randy.

Or Steinberg or Grover...

or Stewart...

Tom, Dean...

Your dad. I forgot about him, actually.

Yeah. Phil Collins.

Steve... But you know what?

They were all fucking different.

Like, you banged all them for free.

Yeah, and we were broken up.

But this would be something I'd do

for our family, right?

And I wouldn't go through with it

unless you were cool with it.

Well, I mean, I guess I'd be cool with it

as long as you promised it didn't get extra dirty

like we do sometimes and...

maybe no oral. But...

10 grand would change this family forever.

Snoop: (Rapping) Uh, say he's the B to the U to the double B

Bubbles: (Rapping) That's the D to the O to the double G

So party people in the house

If you with me...

Ooh-wee!

Trailer park bro

* All we wanna do

* Is smoke and fuck some hos

Sing it with me, fellas!

* All we wanna do

* Is smoke and fuck some hos

(Seabirds squawking)

Fish: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...

Fuck off! Jesus Christ!

(Whisper) Fuck.

(Light clicks off) Fuck off.