Original subtitles

slate

(Music)

I guess I'm in what they call the dog house,

which makes no fucking sense.

I mean, a dog house is too small.

You couldn't really live in it.

Anyway, there's one thing a woman can't resist:

breakfast at bed. Check that out.

Nice little flower for a magical touch.

Whoa! That was fucking close.

(Whispering) Okay, be quiet in here.

Actually you cock peelers hang back here.

I don't want you to wake Lucy up, all right?

Fuck!

(Theme music)

( ** )

They didn't touch the floor. They were on this...

this book here, so they're fine.

Okay, stay here.

Hey, Luce.

Lucy, wake up.

I got breakfast for you, babe.

Lucy.

Lucy.

(Sighing) Hey.

I brought you breakfast at bed.

What the... You...

And I wanted to come here and just say how fucking sorry I am

for fucking things up so bad, okay?

It's never going to happen again, I can promise you that.

This is breakfast in bed? Some Cheerios and a...

There was a little bit more but a little bit got spilt on the way in.

The fucking camera guys knocked it over.

Thanks. It's great. It's really...

You still mad?

Still mad? Are you fucking kidding me?

Of course, I'm mad.

I'm spending all of this energy

thinking that we're going to have a baby together

and you're spending all your energy

thinking you're going to break the law with your best fucking friend.

Like, yeah, I'm mad. Lucy, listen to me, I promise you

that I will never, never lie to you

never again about anything.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, actions speak louder than words. So prove it.

You know what? I can prove it right now.

Because I'm not going to lie to you.

Can I borrow your car to do a truck heist?

(Sighing) Oh! A what?

It's... not really a... It's actually a legal robbery.

It was set up by that lawyer you used to bang.

You know what...

It's totally... like, zero risk.

Just take the fucking car. I really...

I really just... I don't fucking care.

Really? Awesome, Lucy.

Yeah. You can take the breakfast as well.

You're not going to eat this?

It's fine. I'll eat it.

That's great. Just go. Right on, Lucy.

You know what, this honesty stuff's really fucking cool!

Yeah, just get the fuck out...

Love you.

What the fuck, boys! You can't be filming Lucy

when she's in fucking bed and stuff! (Dishes crashing)

Get the fucking... away from me.

Okay, boys, brand new formula.

You're going to fucking love it.

Take lots of notes, all right?

How fast it kicks in, how strong it is,

how long it lasts, everything.

I've actually got a lot of stuff to do today, Ricky.

No, you have just this to do today.

Can I ask one question? You just did.

Boys, we doing this? I've got Lucy's car.

Julian: You've got Lucy's car?

Nice work, buddy.

Bubbs, let's go, man.

I think I'm just going to hang back here, Julian.

I've got some cart work to do.

Bubbs, it's going to take a half hour, man.

Why aren't you cool with this now?

Well, I'm cool with it.

Well, let's go, then!

Cory, Jacob, you're coming with us.

Ricky: Whoa, whoa, whoa! We're not taking these guys!

Rick, they've got to drive the truck, man.

I know but they might be fucked.

They're always fucked. Come on, let's go.

I don't want this guy waiting for us.

I think I'm feeling it already.

Well, you're going to have to fucking ride it out.

Don't be a pussy.

And don't tell Julian.

You cool, Bubbs?

Bubbles: I'm fucking as cool as can be.

Ricky: Got your gun?

Gun, I don't need a fucking gun, do I?

Julian: Here's all the fucking masks and shit, boys.

Look, if you guys leave, I promise I'll testify.

I just want my life back, Barb.

Give us a minute, girls.

Jim, sit down.

Barb, listen... No, Jim...

Look, I realize how hard this has been for you.

You do? Of course I do!

But the problem is that Candy...

Candy has grown so attached to this place

there's no way she would leave.

I mean, I wouldn't want to be the person to tell her, would you?

So, you see, you will testify

because you are a weak, little man.

A shell of your former self.

Buh-bye, fuckface.

Buh-bye!

Bye bye. Toodle-dee-doo!

Thanks a lot, Barb. (Chuckling)

How much longer, Julian?

I can't sit here watching fuck-around gang

pinching each other's wieners!

Bubbs, would you relax, man?

This is all figured out. It's not all figured out

'cause who's going to drive the fucking truck now?

They're not, obviously.

Well, it's not my fault they're all fucked up.

It's Ricky's fault. I fucking told you they were fucked

and you wouldn't listen to me, would you?

Hey, tickle twins! Get the fuck over here and smoke this!

You need to come down. You're driving me nuts!

Bubbles: So you're going to make them smoke weed to bring them down

from all the liquid weed they ingested? That's fucking brilliant, Ricky!

It's not weed, it's hash. If you knew more about smoking weed and hash,

you'd know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Get that shit out of your hair! You look fucked!

Julian: Here comes the truck, boys!

See, I told you, man.

Ricky: I guess should take our guns out, eh? Make this look real.

(Gun clicking) Bubbles: Ricky! Don't...

Would you put the fucking gun away, man?

Bubbles: What are you doing?

Why would you pull a gun out if it's a fake robbery?

Ricky: He's got a fucking gun! Christ! (Gunshot)

Bubbles: Jesus Murphy!

Holy... (Crashing, glass shattering)

Ricky: You've got to be fucking kidding me!

Stop the fucking truck, you cocksucker!

You're paying for that fucking door!

Julian: Get out of the fucking truck!

Get out of the fucking truck! Am I going to die?

Get out of the fucking truck.

Oh... What are you doing, Danny? We're Steinberg's guys.

I'm not Danny. I'm fucking... (Indistinct name)

Danny got busted for drinking and driving this morning!

For fuck's sakes! Bubbles: Julian, Jacob's shot!

Ricky: Oh, my fuck! He's shot!

Ricky: Look at this shit! Jacob: (Moaning)

Look at this fucking door! What...

Fucking Jesus!

Julian, you better get this...

Lucy's going to fucking kill me over this shit!

And this is my fault, is it?

Well, whose fucking fault is it? Would you...

Just let me think! Well, you better fucking think quickly!

Relax! Chill the fuck out!

Bubbles: Julian, he's fucking shot!

Just give me a second to think, Bubbs!

Oh, yeah! Fucking nothing can go wrong here!

Put your fucking hands down.

All right, there's been a bit of a fuck-up here, okay?

Ricky: "A bit of a fuck-up"?

Look at this fucking shit!

(Yelling) Would you let me talk to this man for a second?

Bubbles: You said you had it all figured out! Just!

Just shut the fuck up and let me think!

All right.

Your boss set this whole thing up, okay?

It's an insurance scam.

This is what I' m going to do for you. Hold this.

You're going to call the cops in two hours.

You're going to tell them you pulled over to take a piss.

Someone hopped in your truck, stole the fucking thing.

Are we cool? I'm not getting involved in this shit.

Oh, you're not getting involved in this shit, are you?

Maybe I should call the cops

tell them who shot my fucking son-of-law!

Fucking idiot! (Gunshots) Aaah!

Attempted murder, or take the money.

What's it going to be?

Get the fuck out of here!

Run! Move!

Ricky: Go! (Gunshot)

Julian: How's he doing, Bubbs?

Bubbles: He's got a fucking hole

blasted right through his muffin top!

How do you think he's doing? Are you in pain, Jacob?

Not really. (Giggling)

It's fucking buckshot, man.

Haven't been shot with buckshot since high school.

Are you okay to drive the truck by yourself, Cory?

Dudes, we should go fish.

Oh, Jesus Christ! Bubbles: He's fucked!

He can't drive anything!

Okay, I'm going to drive the truck back to the park.

You guys get him stitched up, meet me back there.

Okay, no fucking hospital, though!

Bubbles: Well, where the fuck do we take him, then?

(Tires screeching)

Bubbles: I can't believe we're at the fucking Denture King!

O-oh!

Sam! (Banging)

Sam! (Banging)

Where the fuck... There he is.

Sam. Hang on, Jacob.

Open up, we've got an emergency, bud!

Sorry, guys, I'm shut down for renos.

My son-of-law's bleeding out.

You've got to fix him!

Jacob, get yourself in here!

Ricky: Get the fuck in!

Come on, Cory, get him.

(Slurring) I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Maybe Barb was right.

Maybe I am a little weaker than I used to be.

Well, maybe it's time

for this weak little man

to make a few minor scientific adjustments.

(Blowing)

(Electronic beeping)

A lot of adrenaline flowing through, right now.

Sometimes it gives it an FRH.

That's a False High Reading.

I am involved...

with a trio...

of sexu... hmm!

Sexually-deranged maniacal rug-munchers.

This'll help to lessen my adrenaline flow.

Oh, liqueur!

Smooth, tastes fantastic.

And it has way less alcohol content

which enables me to fine-tune my liquor levels.

Look at that, look at that.

Hardly any shaking.

Guess what? I bet you I'm a perfect 0.12.

(Blowing) (Electronic beeping)

"0.16".

Oh... it's...

it's probably closer to 0.14

with all the adre... adrenaline but...

I mean, what the fuck does numbers mean anyway?

See? The bullet went right through, guys.

So a couple stitches on each side

and it's all good to go!

(Giggles) You're free.

Right on, Jacob. Thanks, Sam.

Ricky, come on, buddy. Put the gun away.

Can't you see everything's all good now?

Sam, no offence but you used to be a real arsehole.

How come you're being so friendly?

Well, Bubbles, my mother,

God rest her sexy soul,

she told me on her fucking death bed,

"Sam! Don't be such a fucking ass-a-hole!"

So I started being nice to everybody, and you know what?

Everybody's nice to me, I got money in the bank,

I'm getting fucked and sucked,

life is a fucking dream, boys!

Your mom was pretty hot.

Yeah!

Very motivational speech, too, Sam.

Hey, dude, your office is fucked!

See, perfect example, okay?

The old Sam would have freaked out.

Some young kids came in and stole my fucking safe.

If it wasn't for what was in that safe,

I wouldn't give a fuck. Seriously.

(Whispering) Teeth...

What did you say?

I didn't. I was... commenting on your beautif...

How did you know there were teeth in my fucking safe?

(Stuttering) I... He didn't... No.

There were teeth in there? Those were my mother's fucking teeth!

Bubbles: Just calm down.

Which one of you motherfuckers... Bubbles: Whoa! Fuck!

Ricky: Put the fucking gun down!

(Gunshots)

(Thud) Ugh!

(Wheezing laugh) (Laughing) Dude.

You totally killed Sam with a toothbrush, dude!

Bubbles: I didn't kill him, Cory! I just...

conked him like they did in the movies. I had to.

Fuck, Bubbs, I don't feel one of those fucking pulse-y things, man.

You might have killed him.

What are you talking about? I just...

conked him with the toothbrush!

Sam! Sam!

Shouldn't it be... pulsing or something?

Jesus, he's all sweaty too. Ricky: Hm... Let me try...

Try kicking him. (Thud)

Bubbles: Ricky!

Cory, give him mouth-to-mouth or something.

I ain't kissing Sam, dude. That's fucked!

Well, I'm not.

We're going to have to find something to roll him up in.

I'll bring the car around back.

We'll take him with us, I guess.

Fuck! Fuck!

Hey, Steinberg, it's Julian.

Yeah, I'm in the truck right now just heading back to the park.

So I'm going to need those re-zoning documents A-S-A-P.

What?

What are you talking about "It's after hours"?

It's fucking daytime!

How much?

Fuck, just get...

get the documents to the gate, okay? For me today.

All right. Okay, thank you. Bye bye.

Holy fuck, he's greasy!

Haul the sweaty cave bitch up the...

Come on, haul him, Cory!

He's really heavy! I know he's heavy!

Oh, my fuck!

Just wait.

Jesus!

Ricky!

Ricky, bring it back a couple of feet.

Holy fuck, I can't believe this is happening!

Just bring her back.

Okay, that's good. That's good!

Ricky!

(Engine revving) Ricky!

Ricky: For fuck's sakes!

You're right on him!

(Engine revving, tires whirring)

Ricky, here!

Jesus Murphy, we've got to lift!

(Engine revving)

Ricky, you're going to spin him in half!

Ricky: Hold on a second.

(Engine revving, tires whirring)

Cory: Oh, shit!

You're going to pull his arm off.

Ricky: Is he all right?

Yes. Can you just...

Here, let's just...

Fucking thing's touchy, man.

I couldn't see because of the fucking trunk.

Who gives a fuck? He's dead.

He probably didn't feel a thing.

It's just disrespectful, Ricky.

Let's just... let's get him on the fucking roof.

He's heavy as fuck too!

(Grunting) Oh, fuck!

Bubbles: Just be careful...

Bubbles: Get your end up the other end, Cory.

Fuck! What the fuck! You've got to put him this way,

for fuck's sakes! Cory: I'm trying!

(Grunting)

Ricky: Fuck, this asshole's heavy!

Here, I think, if we put him lengthways,

it'll be less conspicuous.

This is fucked. Maybe we should just

take him to the hospital or back to his office

and call the police and say it was an accident.

Julian said no hospitals, and we can't go to the cops.

They're too fucking stupid. They'll never believe you, man.

They're too dumb. I can't believe

we're even having this conversation

it's like we're in a fucking murder mystery!

It's not much of a mystery.

You killed him with a giant fucking toothbrush.

Okay, just to be clear, I did not kill caveman Erik Estrada!

We don't even know he was dead

until you fucking did a brake-burn on his head!

You fucking killed him!

Well, that was kind of your fault too.

But, anyway, he may not be dead.

There's a chance that he's fine!

Cory: Wait, dude... (Mixed shouting)

(Thud)

Jesus Murphy! Cory & Jacob: (Laughing)

Fuck. Sorry, dude. We lost him!

Ricky, stop! We lost him! (Laughing)

For fuck's sakes!

Oh, my God! He went right off!

This doesn't make any fucking sense!

He's got to be here somewhere!

Who gives a fuck? Ricky, I do.

We're not leaving a fucking dead body out here

with our prints all over it!

Well, if we can't find him, nobody else is going to fucking find him!

Hey, dudes, look, I found somebody's hair.

Somebod... that's Sam's hair, Cory, for fuck's sakes!

Jacob: Oh... these must be his teeth, then. (Giggles)

Bubbles: Boys, where are you finding this stuff? Okay.

He's close, then. He's close.

Where is he?

Holy fuck, Cory, here! Look.

Here, come on!

Here he is, boys.

Ricky: Right on.

Cory: Feels pretty light. He's not in here!

What the fuck are you talking about? He's got to be in there!

He's not, Ricky. Oh, my God, you know what?

This is a compressed cylinder.

If that hit the road at the right angle at that speed,

he could have shot out like a fucking cannon.

He could be 100 yards in the woods. Perfect.

Let's get the fuck out of here, then.

The bears'll probably get him and eat all the evidence. Fuck it!

(Sighing) My fuck! Ricky...

Look, I'm fucking leaving.

You guys can stay and look for him if you want.

All right? It's done.

Oh, my God, I can't believe

we're leaving a dead body here. Then don't believe it.

And then if you don't believe it, it's not real.

That's what I do. It's fucking easy.

Bubbles: That doesn't make any fucking sense, Ricky.

(Vehicle approaching)

How'd you make out, boys?

Pretty good. Got Jacob all sown up.

There was, uh, a bit of an incident.

Sam's body flew off the car.

It was actually super cool! (Giggling)

What the fuck are they talking about?

(Whispering) We killed Sam Losco.

(Whispering) What?

I conked him with a fucking toothbrush

and then he ran him over with the car.

So Sam's dead? Really fucking dead.

Fuck, boys.

Trinity: Oh, my God, Jacob, are you okay?

Jacob: Hey, Trin. Check it. I got a little bit shot.

Lucy: Shot?

(Giggling) Don't worry. I'm okay.

Yeah. Didn't even cry.

Took it like a man. Welcome to the family, bud.

What in the fuck happened to my car?

Well, Lucy, I could lie to you and say some dumb-dummy side-swiped us

but I'm not going to do that.

I'm going to tell you the truth like I said I would.

Julian fucked up, the wrong truck driver was there,

and I got into a bit of a gunfight.

Jacob was so fucking high he didn't take cover and got shot.

We took him to Sam's to get fixed up.

Bubbles killed Sam with a fucking toothbrush.

Trinity: What? Oh, my God!

I did not, It was an accident!

Sarah: You guys fucking killed somebody?

You know what? I'm fucking done.

I'm done.

What do you mean you're done, Lucy? I told you the truth.

Just because you told me the truth

doesn't mean you can do whatever the fuck you want to.

Like, you're officially out of this family.

It's fucking over.

What?

Wow...

Thanks a lot, guys. Thanks, Julian.

Ruined my fucking family!

Bubbles: Julian.

Drive me to the police station. I'm turning myself in.

Bubbs, we've got to think about this, man I have to.

Julian!

You've got to come to the gate and deal with Sam!

He won't leave! Sam? Sam who?

Sam Losco! He's all fucked up!

Come on! What the fuck is going on here?

I don't know. Grab his mother's shitty old teeth!

Oh, my God! Sam!

You're alive! Thank fuck!

Randy: Stop right there, Sam! I told you to stay the frig out!

Randy, shut the fuck up!

Help the man up.

Oh, my God, Sam. Thank fuck you're alive!

Where's my mother's fucking teeth?

Julian! Julian!

Julian: Here you go, man.

The fuck happened?

Things just got out of hand, Sam.

I'm sorry, look,

you fucking clobber me. I deserve it.

Give me your best shot.

There's nothing I'd like better than to kill all you fuckers.

But I promised my mama I wouldn't be an asshole any more.

And I'm going to keep that.

Okay, well, there must be something I can do for you.

I just want to go home. Can you call me a cab?

Randy, you heard the man. Call him a fucking cab!

Come on, Sam.

(Sighing) Holy fuck!

He's like the fucking Terminator!

A fucking greasy one.

(Exhaling)

Thank fuck.

Let's go. I'm not a murderer.

Not a murderer!

Hey, Jim.

Oh, having a little dessert, huh?

Where are your... shitty little friends, Barb?

Oh, they went into town.

What are you bothering me for?

Oh, Jim, look, I, uh...

I'm sorry about earlier. Yeah.

No, listen. I really need your help on this court case,

I really do.

Look who's being all prim and proper

now that her hench-whores aren't here backing her up!

Not on your fucking life, Barb!

I'm going to fight you until the bitter end, you heartless bitch!

You can't break me, Barb.

I'm too strong. Oh, oh, you're strong.

Yeah. Yeah. You're strong.

You're strong enough to face everyone

when I tell them the truth?

The truth about what?

You know about what!

We made a promise. Huh?

No one can ever find out about this.

You wouldn't!

Oh, this "heartless bitch" would!

Hm, gee, I wonder who I should tell first.

What do you want me to do?

Well, let me see...

How about whatever the fuck I tell you?

Holy fuck!

Julian: You guys aren't going to believe what's in this fucking truck.

Ready? Unless Trinity's wedding money is in there,

I don't really give a fuck.

Julian: Well, I'm about to change your fucking mind, Ricky.

Check it out, boys!

Holy fuck! What is all this shit?

It's an entire fucking casino in here, Bubbs!

They've got booze, e-cigarettes, slot machines,

game tables, uniforms, everything, man! And liquor!

Fucking right, there's tons of liquor in there!

Oh, my God! You know what I was thinking?

Now that we're re-zoned as Private Property,

we could turn Sunnyvale into an all-inclusive casino resort.

A resort?

Yeah. Moneyvale!

That's actually not too fucking bad.

Fucking rights, man.

A fucking resort casino! I've never been to a casino.

It's going to be our retirement, boys!

Let's have a toast here.

Come on, Rick.

Come on, buddy! Bubbles: Come on, Ricky.

Julian: To Freedom 45.

I guess we'll see.

We'll fucking see all right, boys!

(Theme music)

(Seabirds squawking)

Fish: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...

Fuck off! Jesus Christ!

(Whisper) Fuck.

(Light clicks off) Fuck off.