Original subtitles

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 ...

We are Team Cree, Alufien and Baskudy, we love corns, kermis, ttbf,

krofake, peck, pissex, hair, bulge, we are the team Cree.

Bio vegetables and proteins, Sierres-Saint-Athens,

in the Bassis, we train hard to be massive.

Oh, it's Jim Perfect.

He's so handsome.

Tight underwear, zero fat. I would so love to be that drop of water.

Hey, a new abs muscle.

He has 20,000 followers, from Tokyo, Perla, Arthur, the biggest of all the influencers,

That's Jim Perfect. How does he do it? Hi, my name is Jim.

My secret: 200 reps. My tip for my morning routine: two kilograms of protein.

Do you want to get a model's body? You'll find all the tips here

in my book.

And to stretch my muscles, I often go to the hamam. And if you're curious,

I also have an OnlyFans account.

And above all, to be at the top of your game in life, there are only three rules.

Working out during the day and partying all night.

The temperature rises to a boil as I step up onto the podium.

The next big party for gym queens is Power Boys.

Sponsored by Mister BandB and Lutz lubricant.

And above all, never forget to be yourself.

Everyone else is already taken.

And cut! Awesome. You're awesome, honey.

Let's see. Wait, I'm not done yet. What kind of lousy crop is this?

But not all the effects are there! You can't even see my chest muscles,

Damn it! How am I supposed to pick up hot guys with this crap?

No, don't stare at us!

Go work out.

That's so damn sad. You guys are skinny, after all.

Okay, come on, let's try again.

Seriously? Damn! Wait, Nina, Power Boy, that's in two weeks.

You promised to help me. No, I didn't promise anything—I was high.

By the way, speaking of that, I'm out of stuff for tonight.

Huh? Well, can't you get some ketamine at the hospital? Nah, I got

Caught red-handed. And they've changed the locks, those little bastards.

Damn! But what are we going to do? You only had one thing to do, girl!

Damn, here come two brain cells trudging along.

Stop hogging the bench with your stories! There are people working out here!

Pavel, I didn't see you. Have you lost weight? Bullshit!

I'm actually working out like crazy! Hey! It's really smoking!

In there! Sure, go ahead and make fun of me!

But soon enough, Jim, it'll be me dancing on the Power Boys' stage

And you'll have to stand down there and watch with tears in your eyes!

What's with all these mood swings, Pavel? Aren't you taking a little too much testosterone?

Right now? Hey! I don't take any steroids! Oh, really?

So what are those ugly pimples on my shoulders? No, that's right,

You have monkeypox, right? Pavel has monkeypox. Pavel is in bed with

Monkeys. No! That's a lie! He's lying! Jim! Come back!

Do we have that video or what? Yeah, yeah, it works with the effects.

Everyone else is already taken.

Be yourself.

Everyone else is already taken.

Oh, how I love him.

Oh, how I love him.

Jim Perfekt is really so handsome with his pecs.

His arms, his back… I'd give anything to be with him

on the dance floor at a nightclub. I've never been allowed to go out.

Mom has always forbidden me to do that. I collect all these strange

stuff and gadgets. Do you want one of those? I have plenty

in my big… secret closet. I'm always very

discreet. I dream that one day a man will let me experience

Love. I'm going to give him my heart by logging in to…

What's it called again?

I'm here, Mom.

Look, my little bunny, a delicious hot chocolate made by your mom that

I love you. Thank you, Mom.

Oh, Lucien, how many times do I have to tell you? You have to keep your closet

Properly closed. There's a draft.

Where have you been again? You look all disheveled.

It's crazy, this long hair, I mean.

Mom? Yes, honey? I was just wondering, is it Friday soon?

And I'd really like to go to a party.

A party? Do you mean at a nightclub? But it's packed with

alcoholics and sexually transmitted diseases there.

But no, Mom.

It's just a place where you can dance and meet people.

But this Friday is the Koh-Lanta finale! Are you going to leave me all alone?

during the balance test on the poles? But I'm 23, and others my age…

Okay, you go to your party.

I'm watching the show all by myself.

With a large glass of something to ease my anxiety.

Mom. Okay, I won't go.

All right, that's it—it's all sorted out. It's late now.

You need to go to bed.

Mom loves you.

A party.

And what else? A TV in the bedroom, and Canal Plus, too.

Good night, Jim.

Jim: Perfect.

Influencer.

Chest muscles? Check.

Biceps? Check.

A bulge in your pants? Check.

Body hair? Check.

Abs? Check.

Wait, what the hell is this? I'm missing one, for crying out loud! Wait,

But come back! Come on! Brace yourself! Brace yourself!

Excuse me, Jim Perfekt, influencer. Move over, let me through.

Help me, I need a doctor. I have to see Nina—my abdominal muscles

disappears. I've also lost my abs, so get in line like

everyone else. My butt has gotten flabby. Mine too. Shut up! Jim?

Come on, stay with me, guys.

Hang in there, don't leave me.

So, is it serious?

So, your parabolic vectors are in free fall, and your proceros is

at 0.2 and... Nina, stop panicking! I can tell you're panicking, and that makes me

To panic! What is it? HIV? But I'm taking PrEP! No,

That's not it.

Gonorrhea? No.

Chlamydia? No, no. Herpes? No, I would have noticed that. No, Jim!

Your

abdominal muscles.

They'll all disappear eventually. Oh no.

You're losing your obsession with the perfect body. I have a workout on Wednesday.

You have contracted a new disease, a sexually transmitted disease called "heteros."

What? Jim, you're going to be... straight.

Nina, you're so stupid! You scared me! Come with me.

It started a week ago.

Since then, they've been coming every day, in ever-increasing numbers.

It starts with a lack of interest in the cult of the body.

Then you notice that fashion faux pas start to pop up.

Manspreading. Cross your legs like this. Come on.

Interest in soccer. That's a red card, doctor! Yes, it's a red card.

In short, it'll be fine. After that, it's a free fall. An obsession with monogamy.

Stop it, Thierry! I thought you loved me! Not anymore,

I've chosen Sébastien now. An irresistible need for

Reproduction. That guy over there is on his third surrogate pregnancy.

Help! Help, help me! Help me, doctor, I can't

Stop it!

In the final stage, infected men lose all attraction to

men and... are made to seem straight. But... but that's... Do you recognize him?

That's the manager of Fistinière. All right, I'm ready. He's fallen for it, too.

Now he can't even manage to insert a suppository.

No, wait! I haven't even entered it yet! But how is he going to

Can you come from anal sex? Straight guys don't come from anal sex, Jim.

They have a chronic phobia of the area around the anus.

That means... That you'll never again have a prostate orgasm.

What is the treatment? I don't have one.

You have three weeks left before the final phase.

Oh no.

No, that's not possible.

You… You must be mistaken.

Oh, Jim... No, you're wrong—that's wrong! I'm Jim Perfect, okay? I have

20 million followers, so you're the one who's been doing it wrong with your

Parabolic readings! Jim, listen to me! You don't have to believe me.

But I'm just asking you for... one thing.

Dr. Ragoût? There's nothing we can do here; it's beyond our expertise.

But he—maybe he can help you.

He is the leading hematologist in Europe.

He's crazy and has lost his medical license. But he continues to practice

secret research on heterosexuals.

So you'll contact him. And in the meantime, you'll stay home. No sex, no

The gym and no Power Boys this week.

Huh? What do you mean, no Power Boys? Don't worry. I'll go there and get you

A report every night. Yeah, that's enough now.

I'm outta here, and I don't give a damn about your hetero stuff or Dr. Meat Stew. Actually, I've

I need to get my abs back. Bye! Jim!

Overcrowded hospitals, Lady Gaga concerts canceled, and scenes of panic in

Marais. This morning, the WHO has just confirmed the global spread of

this new sexually transmitted infection, heteros.

Despite appeals from many organizations, Christine Bayer believes that,

the health minister, that there is no need for any contingency plan

for the health crisis.

Here's what she just said on our broadcast. Listen to me!

Since when is heterosexuality a disease? Huh?

The only disease you should worry about is "woke-cancer," which

is eating away at our children's brains.

Now we can hear each other better.

Would you like some guacamole, sweetheart? But Mom, aren't you going to do anything?

What do you want me to do about it? You can see for yourself that it's impossible to reason with

Those people. But that's your job.

My job is to handle matters that are much more important than

these stories about perverted people with deviant and unnatural sexuality.

Perverts? You don't know what you're talking about. But Mom, I'm not a

children.

That's true.

You're a man now.

I'm glad you said that, because I took the liberty of inviting you

Marie-Bénédicte is coming over for lunch tomorrow.

Marie-Bénédicte? My cousin? Your cousin, yes, yes. Well, very, very

It's far away, but it's fine.

We like Marie-Bénédicte. No, no, I already said that.

No, no. But you have to understand.

She is beautiful.

She's going to give us some very beautiful grandchildren.

And to celebrate the occasion, I thought I'd bake a delicious apricot pie.

Mom, don't you understand that I'm...

Watch what you say, Lucien.

I am... severely allergic to apricots.

That's true, after all.

I'm tired of repeating this to you; I've told you this several times.

You're not allergic to apricots. You've always liked apricots.

And you should eat apricots to make your mom happy.

And by all means, don't forget Marie-Bénédicte tomorrow around lunchtime.

Goodbye, Mom.

I have to be myself.

Everyone else is already taken.

No drugs, no liquids. Okay, go on in. Have a nice evening.

Please move forward. No drugs, no GHB.

Wait. You're wearing socks with flip-flops there.

Yeah, it's... it's nice.

No? Uh, fashion faux pas. We have a fashion faux pas at door two.

What are you doing? Heterosexuals are not allowed to enter

the room. Go now.

No, but that's not fair.

No, but let me in! I just want to go to one last Power Boys show!

No, let me go! That's heterophobia! That's disgusting!

Damn fascists! This whole heterosexual thing is totally crazy.

Wait, it's a panic. They've closed half the bars in the Marais because of

them. A buddy of mine got infected. Now he thinks his cock rings

are napkin rings.

Next! Is the line moving? Oh, sorry.

What's that? It's juice. G?

Yeah, juice… No, you're not allowed to bring that in here. GHB is illegal

This place. Go get high somewhere else.

Let the people behind you go ahead.

But sir, I don't do drugs.

I just came to see Jim Perfekt.

Look, I have his… Now get lost, kid. We said no.

Good evening. Good evening, sir. No drugs, no liquids, no GHB.

And you throw trash in the trash can.

No, no, no!

Guys, where are we going? Come on, keep going! Here's the corner for the ugly ones! Ouch!

Excuse me,

Madam. Madam! You're so cute! Don't ever call me that again,

You little brat!

My name is Glamidia. I'm tonight's drag queen, darling.

You're new here, obviously.

Uh, yeah, I've never been to a nightclub. Well, of course.

And you've never been with a guy either, I guess? Uh, no.

And you don't have any style or a sense of fashion? Well... No, no, it wasn't that

question.

God, I've always loved saying that.

Come with me, sweetheart, Aunt Glamidia will show you.

Take a look. The gay community is divided into several groups based on gender

or gender identity, body type, or clothing style, sexual orientation,

fetishes, etc.

You'll find everything you could possibly imagine here. Find a feature, and you can also

Create your own club.

And hallelujah.

Together, they make up the LGBTQI community. No, I have to stop you right there.

Unfortunately, the only people here are the gay men in the LGBTQ community.

Guys, I mean.

Oh, really? But where are the others? Who knows.

Officially, every community advocates love and tolerance.

In reality, the groups don't mix, and everyone talks a lot

We don't give a damn about each other. That's just how it is.

And among gay men, you have to learn to recognize those

the groups. Queers, otters, daddies…

Look, over there by the bar are the bears.

They're fat, hairy, and like beer.

Over there by the restrooms is where the fetishists hang out. Do you see

The difference? They have about two strands of hair, I guess. Exactly! And two muscles.

It's a jungle out here.

And if there is one species that believes it stands at the very top of the food chain, it is

gym queens.

Look at them, those ones.

The Podium.

Jim probably isn't far away.

Jim? Jim Perfect? Is that the guy you're looking for?

Listening

You're into me? Sure, he's handsome, but watch out.

Because you're just a little twink.

I'm a what? But you really don't know anything at all.

You're small, beardless, and skinny, but you have the eyes of an innocent kitten that

can melt even the hardest of hearts.

In the gay community, you're a twink.

Oh, I see. I'm a twink.

Do you guys think Jim likes twinks? I can't speak for him, buddy.

You'd better go and talk to him.

Anyway, have a nice evening, my friend. Take care.

Kisses, bye!

Hey, hey, handsome.

Hey, how's it going? How's it going, handsome? Hey Nico, nice little piercing—that one

I didn't know that. Jim, we're staying for no more than two hours, okay? No drugs, no

Sex. You're sick. I'm serious.

Jim! What do you have in your mouth there? Open your mouth! Give it here! Seized!

That's too bad! He's such a pain in the ass.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Sorry, can I just... Oh, no way.

Hey, did you lose your little bag, too? Don't forget to tag me, okay.

Hi, Jim.

I'm your biggest fan.

Oh, what a nightmare.

Oh, but you're so cute! Are you kidding or what? Is he just ugly, or

Does he smell bad, too? I came to get my book signed because I love it

you do.

Can I take a selfie? No, go to hell. Of course he should

Take a selfie! He said no, but he really means yes! What?

He's a little shy, but beneath his shell of muscles, he has a heart of gold!

Man, she's totally out of it. Don't worry, he's my best buddy—I know him.

without and before. Come on, Jim! An unusual appearance is good for the algorithm!

Damn! Damn, she posted it!

Subtitles ST' 501

That's my podium.

Heteropositive! Jim Parfait has kissed a girl.

Heteropositive, no doubt about it.

Jim... What's happening to me? Hey, who did that? Heteropositive! Boo!

No, that's not true! I'm not straight! Look, I have abs!

And Jim lived happily ever after and had many children.

No! Let me in! I'm begging you! Come on, Jim, let's just forget about it.

All of this is your fault.

Why did you come over and kiss me with your tongue, anyway? Huh? Is it my fault? Damn,

I can't believe my ears! I told you not to come!

Don't pretend. I've seen right through your little game.

You're actually glad that I'm straight, aren't you?

Keep dreaming! Not even if I were straight would I ever get together with you!

You know I can't stand your cellulite! You know what?

My cellulite tells you to go to hell! Oh no.

We're here with Jim Perfekt, who doesn't even try to hide

He's not straight anymore. He kissed me! He must have infected me!

No, that's not true! You know what? Figure it out yourself.

Yeah, that's right, yeah, get lost! I don't need you anyway!

No, stop! No, stop! What are you doing there? Stop!

Jim, how are you? What do you want? Help you? People are stupid.

Go to hell, you ugly bastard! You're ugly as sin!

Subtitles ST' 501

There is a doctor.

Dr. Ragoût.

Please, Jim, call him.

Pharma Plaisir, good day.

Viagra, poppers, 3-MMC. How can I help?

Dr. Ragoût? Who gave you this number? You work for them,

Is that so? No, I don't work for anyone.

I have herpes, doctor. You have to help me, I'm begging you.

I'm Jim. Jim Perfect, the influencer. Leave me alone.

I don't know anyone named Mr. Parfait. No, wait! Jim Perfekt, the influencer.

What a load of nonsense.

He's well-built, though.

Lucien! Hello?

Do you know Lucien? The young man who appears in your account.

The latest selfie.

That little twink? The one who stinks? Listen carefully. I need that one

the young man. Without him, it's impossible for me to synthesize

Chloroqueer. Chloroqueer? The cure for heterosexuals.

So it will be Lucien in exchange for your recovery.

But yeah! But Lucien—I love him. He's actually my best buddy.

But... Why him? Well, I need his prostate to stabilize

the serum.

His prostate? His prostate.

So bring him here to me—fresh off the boat! I'll take care of cutting him up!

Okay. Um, where do you live?

Find the owner of Bear's Den.

He'll lead you to me.

Bear's Den? The bar? Ba… Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? Damn...

That's not true! Excuse me, there's pubic hair in the shower.

Isn't she going to stop nagging soon? Oh, Jim! Perfect!

Jim is treating me to lunch? Is he feeling better? I knew he

would come back.

Oh no, that's terrible, I have nothing to wear!

I'm not done with you yet, Jim Par…

Lucien. Yes, Lucien. I really understood that you were worried about my health.

And that's why you're a great follower.

Oh, it's nothing, you know, because people can be mean sometimes.

All that just because you're heteropositive.

Damn disease! Isn't that Jim Parfait? Is he sleeping with twinks?

Now? Okay, listen to me. I'm about to find a cure for

Heteros. Huh? There's a doctor. Dr. Ragoût.

He is working on an antidote.

And I'm going to help him create it.

An antidote? Does that mean we can save the heteroseksuals?

And you're going to help them? You're a good person, Jim.

Of course we should help them.

Yes, once I've gotten my dose first.

And to join me on this adventure, I thought of you.

Me? But why me? Why?

Well...

I don't know. Because every great hero needs a loyal companion.

Exactly. What would that be? Tintin without Snowy or Tarzan without Cheetah,

For example. Yes.

Or Batman without Robin.

So, are you interested or not? Well, yes.

But yes, of course I'm interested.

It's the most beautiful day of my life.

Okay, great. Let's go to Bear's Den, then.

Have you had your prostate checked recently? Have you had any problems with it before?

Any abnormal lumps? My prostate? Oh, never mind.

That's it. Shall we go? Yes. Can you clear away the trays? Yes.

I don't have a resume.

Okay.

The prostate orgasm is on its way to disappearing for good. Straight men

threatens us.

When the authorities do nothing, I have unanimously declared myself

To the supreme leader of our movement, in defense of the prostate orgasm.

Philanthropist Kay Stapo.

Kay Stapo! Kay Stapo! Kay Stapo! Kay Stapo! Kay Stapo! Kay Stapo!

Kay Stapo! Kay Stapo! Kay Stapo!

Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Have mercy! No! No! No! No!

Ers

Your Excellency,

I know someone who's infectious and dangerously sexy.

Jim: Perfect.

This influencer could become our public face.

Go get him!

Wow! Welcome to the bears.

But wow, they're really, really beefy. No, seriously, that's just awesome.

Hey, where's your boss? You don't touch the dick without asking

Permission. The boss is at the bar.

Albert, pass a beer to Gilbert.

I'm busy. Ask someone else.

Are you the owner? I'm looking for Dr. Ragoût.

I hear you have his address.

That's all.

Robert? Oh, is that you? Damn.

I didn't recognize you with your… Shut up! How dare you

Show up in front of me after dumping me like a piece of crap? You broke my heart!

But do you two know each other? We didn't come here to dig up old

stories. I'm here to find a cure for heterosexism.

So please tell me what you know.

Hey, have you found a cure for heterosexuality? Anyway, I would never give anything to

a selfish little goose like you.

What? Am I a goose?

But take a look at yourself, then. Have you seen how ugly you've become?

What did he say? Excuse me? Jim, you really should apologize now.

Never.

Have you forgotten that you used to be one of us, Robert? You trained and were

in great shape, a real gym queen.

But no, the man abandoned us to go wallow in beer and

cold cut platters.

Do you want to know, Robert, why I ended up breaking up with you?

It's your fault.

That's not exactly an excuse, Jim.

Oh, really? Well, you know what, Doctor?

You can shove it up his ass! Listen, Mr. Robert, there has to be a way

to come to an agreement. No.

I'm begging you. We absolutely have to find the doctor. If you don't

For him, do it for the heteroseksuals.

Hmm... Okay.

But on one condition.

What do you mean? You have to defeat me.

In the cage! Oh no, not that.

What's he going to do with us, Jim? What's he going to do with us?

One

A karaoke contest? That scared me.

I thought you guys were going to fight. You have no idea, little twink.

Robert attended music conservatory for ten years.

I guess we can say goodbye to the cure.

One, two, three. At my place, the forests sway and the rooftops scrape…

He sings very clearly.

Your turn, your go.

Not for your forests, your wolves, your skyscrapers.

Not for the rapids, the eternal snow.

Your eyes… Damn, I don't know the song. Your arms are holding me…

I'll go wherever you go.

You're going to be my country. Oh, really, Jim?

Has heterosexuality ruined your beautiful voice?

Oh no, I forgot. You're no good.

You can hear them...

Damn fake singer.

I won't be able to do it.

I won't be able to do it.

Jim! Come on, get up.

Well, give me the microphone.

Bring your words and swear words, speak your own language.

Pack your bags and head out.

Show me your paradises, show me your hells.

Your north, your south, and your westerly winds.

I'll go wherever you go. You will be my home.

I'll go wherever you go, no matter where, no matter what.

We did it, Jim. We did it.

Yeah, okay.

That's good.

Bravo.

Robert, where's the doctor? I'm not talking to you.

It was the little one who won. You may have a little twink body, but

You have the heart of a bear.

Unfortunately, I don't know where the doctor is. Huh? I dropped my

my phone with all my contacts. Oh, crap, I can't believe it.

But I know someone who can take you to him.

Michel the Connoisseur. He spends his entire life in the labyrinth of the Louvre.

Michel the Pleasure-Seeker? If what you're saying about the doctor is true.

So hurry up.

Our bears are dropping like flies because of heterosis.

Soon we'll be just another regular trotting bar.

Shut up! Hey, Jim? Jim?

It's urgent.

What?

I'm sorry, Madam Minister.

We've looked everywhere, but there's not a trace of your son.

Well then, look harder! Search through the bars, nightclubs,

those... those sauna clubs, if necessary! Sauna clubs? Shut up, idiot!

Get out of my office! Yes, Madam Minister.

Where are you, my little friend? Where are you?

This is where Michel is hiding.

It's the biggest cruising spot in the whole city.

Cru—what? Cruising.

It's like a backroom, only out in the open.

What is a backroom? Okay, listen, in the maze, one wrong step and

You'll be a snack for all the daddies in the area.

So shut up and clench your butt cheeks, got it?

Sch.

Jim, there are still a lot of people here.

And we don't even know what he looks like, Michel.

Michel is a fetishist.

In other words, a fetishist who gets turned on by smelly gym shoes.

Knowing that won't help us find him.

He has an unusual profile.

I have to use my gaydar.

Gaydar? Does that mean you can spot gay guys at first glance? Yes,

But that's not all.

Starting at a certain level, Gaydarn lets you identify all kinds of

bends.

Move over.

Damn straight people! Teach me.

I can do it.

We all have a little gay in us. I'm not making this up—it's in your book.

Yes, but not for a virgin with no experience like you.

Okay.

Very good.

Oh well, then the virgin will give it a try anyway.

Lucien, stop it!

Stop it—you're going to damage your prostate!

I

sees...

I

sees people who are gay.

Where are you, Michel? There.

Lucien! Lucien, wait!

Excuse me.

Are you Michel Njutaren? Yes.

We are here on behalf of Robert.

We're looking for Dr. Ragoût's address. Shh!

The bushes have ears.

The answer to your questions is at the bottom of my shoe.

No way! I don't smell guys' shoes. Jim, we haven't

Any choice. You go ahead. Me? But… Come on! Okay.

Well? There's something written there, but the print is so small, I can't see it

properly.

Okay.

So what does it say? 44.

44? Which street? What is that? Is that an address? No.

That's my shoe size.

Oh, I see. So you're messing with us, then.

I needed to know if your nostrils were reliable.

Unfortunately, the doctor has been missing without a trace for some time.

But I know someone who can lead you to him.

Go and meet the sisters of eternal forgiveness.

They were the last ones to see him.

They're performing at Rosa Bonheur tonight.

Damn, I'm so damn tired of this stupid treasure hunt.

Come on, Lucien, let's go.

Lucien.

You're more than just a twink.

You're a real bon vivant.

Lucien, we're in a hurry.

Thank you, Michel.

You do like weird guys, don't you, after all. That was unbelievable.

No, but don't get too close.

For

Damn!

We've found Jim Perfekt! Who's going to get a spanking from the boss?

That's us!

Oh,

What the hell is this? It's the Gestapo.

Are you sick? They're arresting heterosexuals and trying to turn them into homosexuals

again by force.

Here are the results.

By force?

Oh, crap.

Jim.

Come on, girls.

Get moving. If you don't buckle down a little, we'll never be ready for

Tonight's show.

No, it's over. I give up.

Look, I can't even put on lipstick anymore because of this

Damn heterosexual.

No one comes to watch us anymore, anyway.

Maybe this is the end for all drag queens.

Chlamydia?

The little twink and the gym queen? What are you guys doing here?

What happened to your amazing makeup? Oh, sweetie.

Heterosene affects even the most beautiful among us.

That's Jim Perfect.

I didn't recognize him. All his abs are gone. Poor guy.

Hi, did you come to see the show? Well, not at all.

No,

We're here to find the address of Dr. Ragoût.

Dr. Ragoût? The one who botched my nose job?

And that butt? And…

I advise you not to go to him.

He is incredibly skilled with a scalpel, but extremely

Dangerous. Last time, I lost a kidney.

Literally.

It is even said that some of his patients never came back.

Well, I mean, the ABCs of surgery are, of course, that you cut people open.

It doesn't matter. We'll take the risk. But why?

Well, because he's promised us a cure for heterosexuals.

Can we have some, too? Sure, of course.

Um... Well... We don't know that, Lucien. Huh? But you said...

Wait, what if we don't have enough? What do we do? We're not going to waste it on

People who don't need it? Uh... What did he just say?

What do you mean, we don't need it? Sorry, but I've got a beer belly!

Fifteen years of hard work down the drain! What difference does that make to you?

You can't paint your nails pink? Well, it's no big deal,

Anyway! Shame on you, Jim! What great deeds are you going to do yourself?

When you get better? Wiggle your butt on a stage?

Well, I don't know, maybe it's better than singing karaoke dressed up as

break it up and take half-hearted dance steps. Calm down, you old

You forty-year-old fascist! Forty? I just turned

31 years old, you damn bitch! You wanna fight? Stop it! Stop it!

Enough, that's enough!

From the very beginning, I've thought that if you aren't kind, it's because you're sick.

But deep down, you don't really care about others!

No, not exactly.

You're selfish, Jim! There should be enough Kloroqueer for everyone!

Okay?

Gestapo!

Hurry, come this way.

Health checkup.

Who's that crazy guy? The Gestapo.

They're hunting down the "heteropositives."

And tries to cure them through torture.

Come on, guys. Find the hetero-positive ones.

There, owner, there. They're there.

Pavel, you have to stop eating casein.

Sorry, owner, I'm having a really hard time dealing with this.

Pavel, you wretched traitor.

We're looking for a certain Jim Perfect.

He's infectious and dangerously sexy.

Jim: "Perfect," you mean... Is he a big, intolerant and

A shallow goose? Damn it! Why do I always have to make a fuss?

with the wrong people? There's no such thing as Mr. Perfect here.

Best regards, Jim.

Goodwill.

What's that? Throw her into the sarcophagus of repentance.

Jim, stop it! Hey, Nina? It's Jim.

I'm at Rosa Bonheur.

Come pick me up.

Hurry! A bunch of crazy people are after us.

What are you doing? I have to help you!

They want to take you. Stop it!

Continued.

You have to run. Give them the address, Glamidia.

Jim! What? Promise me nothing will happen to the little one.

Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

Little Finger Promise.

Yeah, a pinky promise, if you want. Okay.

The Villette Tower. Top floor, Apartment B.

Thank you, Glamidia.

Oh, crap.

We're screwed.

There's only one way out.

You have to act it out for your life.

Wait, I love drag shows.

Farewell, all the cafés in the Marais. Farewell, all the bars that have closed.

Goodbye, saunas, backrooms, and cruising spots.

Farewell, these rainbow-colored sidewalks.

Farewell, all you wonderful parades.

Farewell, the grand parties in my beautiful moiré dresses.

Farewell, my carmine-red lipsticks.

Farewell, my sagging breasts.

Goodbye. Thank you.

Farewell, my lost sisters, your rhinestones and jewelry.

Farewell, my large wigs that caressed my neck so softly; farewell, my eyelashes, and

my mascara, my Baccarat crystal earrings.

Farewell, my lost sisters, your rhinestones and jewelry.

Farewell, my large wigs that caressed my neck so softly; farewell, my eyelashes, and

my mascara, my Baccarat crystal earrings.

Okay, but where's Jim Perfect, then? You're too late—he's already there.

Way. What? Pavel! I'll take care of it, boss.

What about you?

We are able to care for you.

Lucien, tell me, do you think I'm a total idiot? Honestly,

a little bit.

Among the gym queens, you have to fight for your spot.

When I arrived in Paris, I weighed 55 kilos.

They called me "the match."

Everyone made fun of me.

Wait, but in your book you say that you were a weightlifting champion at age 14

Years? But all that is fake, after all.

I didn't even write that book.

I haven't even read it.

My chest muscles are from steroids, my hair comes from Turkey,

My forehead has Botox.

I'm no help to anyone.

Stop lecturing me all the time. How so?

With your petty-bourgeois airs and graces, I mean. But I forbid you to say that, you

doesn't know anything about my life.

Damn. Oh, but give me that.

Wait.

Is your mom Christine Bayer? Man, that must have been tough for you.

Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.

But... Does she know you're gay? Well... You haven't told her.

Well, I mean, but... No, but I can't handle it.

That's how it is.

That's why I left.

You should tell me, you know.

But I'll think about it, thanks.

That's the only brave thing I've ever done in my life.

It hurts at first, but then... Then you're free.

Come on, tell her.

What do you mean, "now"? Well, yes, now.

There's never a good time.

But... Don't worry.

I'm here.

Lucien? Hey, Mom? No, I'm fine. I'm with a friend.

Jim: Perfect.

No, but Mom, that's not the point.

I'm calling to tell you something important.

Tell me.

I... I'm... gay.

I'm gay. You're gay. No, no, no, but don't cry.

Please don't cry.

No, no, I'm not going home. No, I have to go see a doctor. Doctor

Ragoût.

It is forbidden to go to that quack.

Listen, Mom, unlike you, I've decided to fight heterosexism.

I couldn't do it.

Oh, really?

You were almost there.

It'll work next time.

Found it!

He walks around the tree and down into the well. No! He's coming out of... Damn it!

Pavel, have you ever thought about injecting steroids into your brain?

That's so much fun! I know exactly what I'm doing.

Let us go! And that snake has to get out of the well! Shut up!

Hey, you there! You won't be so cocky when the boss deals with you!

Let us go now! Nina! No! I'm going to finish tying the knot!

You're totally out of it! My arm!

Nina,

You were incredible.

Okay, okay. I was just kidding. I shouldn't have teased you about your

cellulite. So, can we go now? Yes.

Good thing my cellulite was there to save your little butt!

Thank you so much, ma'am; you were amazing.

Who's that little snob? Are you working as an escort now?

Haha, who's saying that? Don't you recognize me? Lucien.

Lucien. We saw each other at Power Boys.

Um, was that before or after two in the morning?

Vitamin

and proteins.

No doubt about it—it's him.

You'll get it all back, Jim. Perfect.

Oh! Pump him up again.

Bring him back to me—really fresh. I'll take care of cutting him up.

Huh?

No, but it's just so touching to see you dating a guy like that.

But I'm not dating him.

Give it a rest—you can see for yourself that you've been stuck to him the whole time.

Huh? But that was him who fell asleep in my lap, right there.

Okay, okay, if you say so.

Hi, all I want to say is that I'm happy for you.

What's that? No… Do you think so?

Oh crap, I've got a semi! Oh Nina, here we go again! Don't panic! Breathe!

A hetero attack! Grab the wheel! What? I don't even have a driver's license!

Nina, we'd make a great couple, the two of us! But shut up!

We were going to have a family bus! Listen to me—do you like Britney? Yes!

A little house in Montreuil? Do you like dick? Yes! After 25 years?

Little hairy butts! I guess we're going to have a baby! 5, 6... But stop hitting him,

It's only getting worse! I've got it under control! We're getting married

In church, Nina!

I'm doing it! I'm doing it, look at me! Oh crap!

Wow!

But hey, are you crazy? What are you doing here? But sorry, it slowed down,

I didn't have time... Look! The Doctor's Tower.

Hang in there, we're almost there! Aren't you coming? No, that's fine.

I'll be waiting for you here.

I think it's better for you.

I'm coming! It's right here.

I can't believe it.

There you go—you'll be getting treatment soon.

And once you're back in shape, you can coach me.

I've always dreamed of having big arms like yours.

No, because I'm a disaster.

I mean, you saw, I can't even do a single push-up.

Lucien.

I have to tell you something.

Well, you sure took your time, didn't you? Come on, come on in, my little kitties.

Welcome to Dr. Ragoût's office.

A little welcome shot? No, thanks—I'm not thirsty.

Jim.

Wow, that has a unique taste, doesn't it? What is it? No, that's gross,

But you'll see—it's amazing.

Please wait in the waiting room. The doctor will see you shortly.

Have fun!

I

I don't feel very comfortable here.

I'm hot.

Besides, it looks like there's a dead person next to me.

Excuse me? Are you dead?

He's just taking a nap. Just a little longer...

Just like that, he's at it again.

This isn't a waiting room.

It's an apartment for people who do chemsex.

What do you mean? They're all doing drugs.

Oh, all right, all right.

Oh,

You really have some very nice nipples, Jim.

Very, very nice.

Can I touch it? What are you doing?

Listen, Jim, please, can I give you a blowjob?

But what's gotten into you?

GHB.

Lucien! Fuck me.

Lucien, no! Let him go! Fuck me! No, touch me

No way!

Where

Where are we now?

My little Lucien, you're awake.

Do we know each other? You don't know me, but I,

I know you inside and out.

I've always done that.

Dr. Ragoût.

Yes.

Your immune system is a true marvel.

Why am I tied up? Where's Jim? Jim? Enough talk.

What's that? What are you guys going to do? I'm just going to

have a minor procedure done.

But you guys are completely crazy! Stop it! Help, is anyone there!

Let me go! Let me go!

Of course, daylight! It's Monday morning!!

Back to work! The party's over, you bunch of losers!

First you have to wear it down, and then crush the prostate, as I

told you on the phone.

What did he just say? No, no, no, no, he didn't say anything. Anyway

we'll stop everything.

Jim, did you know? Did you bring me here for this?

You've been lying all along? Don't listen to him. It's not what you think.

I was desperate. I had no choice. How could you do that?

So many unnecessary tears and so much drama, my children! Rejoice!

What? Soon we'll have a cure for heterosexuals!

Damn.

Lucien!

Lucien!

Lucien

Mom! What have they done to you, my darling?

They wanted to remove my prostate.

Don't worry, Mom's here.

You're screwed.

As for you, put an end to your perverse deviations.

Jim: Perfect.

If I see you corrupting my son's mind again with your vile

hairy chest muscles, I'll kill you.

Lucien.

You're burning everything! Jim! Answer me! Jim! What was that explosion?

I thought you were dead! I should never have given you that number! Lucien!

Where's Lucien? Wow! Jim? Nina?

When I see you, I get... I get butterflies in my stomach.

I... I'd never felt that way about any girl before.

You're my friend, Jim.

And besides, you're already in love.

What? Don't pretend you don't understand, okay. I've seen you with

Lucien. I've never seen you like this before.

Lucien... Come on, come here.

Lucien Bayer.

What the hell is this? Twenty years ago, they hired

Christine Bayer told me. She believed that her son's homosexuality was an illness

and wanted me to find a cure.

I then started testing a number of new formulas on him.

Nothing seemed to be able to make him change his mind.

That is why

I tested my formula on many other test subjects.

And finally... Bingo! My conversion serum

It worked! But for some mysterious reason, Lucien still seemed to be immune.

Furious, Christine fired me and stole the serum to create a virus

which was extremely contagious.

Heterosen.

She couldn't change her son. So she decided to change the world.

She's completely crazy, that one.

Hey, where are you going like that? Save Lucien. But what are you planning to do? Just barge in

at the ministry, completely unconcerned? There might be a way.

I'm convinced.

It's just a prank! Are you sure, Master? How dare you talk back to me,

You idiot? Come on, open your eyes! You can see that

It's the minister who has orchestrated all of this! That means we've been targeting the wrong enemies

Right from the start? What? You'll pay for your audacity!

Go, Daddy.

Jim!

Come here so we can put an end to this! No, Pavel.

I came here to... apologize.

What do you mean? I've been a total asshole to you.

I've been a total asshole... to all of you!

Thank you.

And the one who made me realize that is Lucien.

He taught me what it means to…

Goodwill.

Goodwill.

He taught me that you can like cheese and cold-cut platters, socks that

stinks, even the nails are in garish colors.

But Lucien is under his mother's influence.

I have to go save him.

And I can't do it on my own.

So please.

Please help me, I beg you.

Pavel, I can't do this without you.

I hate him.

Jim Perfekt is a jerk.

Oh, well, you seem to be feeling much better, my Lulu.

No, that's not true.

Sure.

Okay, so, I needed your opinion on the seating arrangement.

What about the seating arrangement? Well, you know, for your wedding to Marie-Bénédicte.

Oh, well, whatever you say.

I was thinking of putting up some decorations…

What's that sound? But that's unbelievable.

What is it, Mom? Nothing at all. It's our National Guard practicing

Christmas carols in the courtyard. That's all.

Oh, really? And do they have their uniforms? Can I see them? No! No! No! Let me see!

Michel

Robert? Glamidia?

Jim.

But that's not true!

What are you doing to me? Let me out! Mom! Oh my God, it's a

a real revolution.

Look how muscular they are. Shh! It's just a little

a meaningless riot.

Do whatever you want, then.

But they absolutely must not be allowed to enter my ministry!

Get out of your castle, you old cunt! Burn in

hell.

Damn degenerate scum.

Let's go on the attack!

Good day,

That's the delivery note from the guys. I have a gift for Mrs. Bayer.

Boss, there's a gift from the gay guys.

It's a unicorn. Oh, what a nice gesture.

Open the gates to...

The unicorn has been secured.

I told you it would work.

You're a genius, Pavel.

Come on, get going.

I'm coming, Lucien.

They've taken the grand piano!

Help, open the gates! We're doomed! You're safe with me.

There is no other choice.

Soon

There won't be a single gay man left on the face of this planet.

Anal final solution enabled.

Mom, let me out.

I'm actually an adult!

Lucien.

Jim. What are you doing here? Hurry, come with me. You're in danger.

Stop.

Ouch. Don't come any closer. I'm sorry.

What I did to you is unforgivable. You took advantage of me!

If I gathered everyone together today, it was to save you,

Lucien. But save me from what? From your mom.

Don't drag my mom into this! She was the one who created it

heterosen.

Huh? No.

No, you're lying! All these years, she's been using you as a guinea pig,

to force you to be straight.

Why should I believe you?

Because I...

Why am I naked? And now let's twirl our ties!

Help! Have mercy! Don't you have a down vest? Oh! It stinks!

Wait, I have a problem.

Ah, you really can't breathe down there! Ah, that feels good! Ah,

Dad!

I can't feel my fingers anymore.

No.

No, not that.

No, not here!

Jim! Jim! Wake up! Wake up!

Jim,

Stay with me.

Lucien? Yes? Come closer.

Yes, Jim, I'm here.

Go France! No, please! Not now!

I'm begging you.

Goodbye, Lucien.

No, I don't want to live without you.

If you go, I'll go with you. What do you say? We'll get along well.

Dudes. You know what? We're going to have FIFA nights.

Our children will attend the same preschool.

No.

We'll never be friends, Lucien.

Lucien, welcome.

I've been waiting for this day my whole life.

But who are you? I'm your prostate, Lucien.

And you've finally found me. The answer lies within you.

Only you can save the world.

Follow me.

My abs? Are they back? Jim? You're healthy? I... I don't know.

Ask me what offside is.

Uh, what's offside? I don't have a damn clue! I'm cured!

You are cured.

What have you done to my son? You monster! Mom!

Stop it! Shut up! Come with me, right now! No! I'm staying with him.

Come here!

Otherwise, I'll kill him! But you've gone completely crazy, Mom!

You're the one who's gone completely crazy, my son!

Mom, listen to me now.

I'm going to tell you something, and you're going to have to accept it.

No, no! Lucien, stop it! Stop it, I say!

I am…

There you go—now you've done it.

It's all thanks to you.

Jim! Everyone's dancing the Madison down there!

That's a disaster! But... Any symptoms? It seems like... I don't know what's

It happened. I made love to Lucien… And I healed you.

But how is that possible? Unless... But yes! The repeated exposure

Because of the virus! That's why Ragoût wanted your prostate!

You've developed antibodies! You have the antidote inside you, Lucien! That means

that...

I

I know what I have to do.

Is everything okay, honey? Yes, don't worry.

We'll take the next one.

Subtitles ST'

501

Subtitles by Jérémy

Diaz

Tonight: an unprecedented news story. Former Health Minister Christine Bayer

convicted by the International Criminal Court of crimes against

humanity. She is now serving a very harsh sentence of seven days

his riad in Casablanca.

Subtitles

ST' 501

Subtitles ST'

501

Let's go!

Subtitles ST'

501