Original subtitles

What colour was it, Gran? What?

They might steal it. Call the

Flash-flash, snap-snap, kiss-kiss.

"Whose shows are you going to,

"point cameras at the catwalk!"

Oh, was it winter? No, spring.

I think I'm out of the loop.

I feel as if I've done a marathon.

Where's Mum?

Ramp! Ramp! Ramp! Ahhhhhhh!

# Wheels on fire!

# Rolling down the road!

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall EXPLODE! #

It was SO hard sketching the models

My hand kept FALLING off the page.

You got through

Now, girls, let's see what

the city that only sleeps twice -

I didn't know it was

It wasn't up to much. Might as well

Eddy, darling, we need some drinks.

We've only got one bottle left,

You know something, darling,

Life-threatening crowd situations,

barely clinging to the last shred

Parties with bitch editors

She'd take your leg off.

Oh, yeah. God, tanned like

Do you think? Honestly, darling,

But it's SO lovely to have

Yes. 7/11.

What?!

You know, darling, the....24/7.

7/11! 9/11! 9/11! I knew that!

Well, let's drink to a world

YOU make me realise it hasn't.

Gosh, HAVE they? Yes.

A SHOE?!

Eddy, the girls might like

It's a new concept fashion store,

No, I'm the executive creative

I'm very important. I decide

the wham, bam, the new noir. Just

And what will that be, darling?

No, a few items that few can afford.

Rich bitches whose faces are so

And we are her team.

Go, go, go!

Right, we'll be off, then!

Where's Bubble? Did Bubble

Where is...? Bubble,

How can she still have a job

Come on, assist.

I tell you what I have to do, then

But I'm scared! Oh, stop it!

Ask Patsy if she wants another

Oh, eh, ah, oh...

Darling, darling, darling...

She's asking you

Come back here, come back here!

Come by!

You can only train with pain.

Now, stay!

I'll - have - a - bottle - but -

I'm going to pack, Eddy. Don't

Can I borrow a bag?

Put it on a sticky.

Cheers, thanks a lot.

Toiletries.

What's that? What IS Patsy's room?

That's very "now", innit?

I can hear her creeping around

Oh, have you? Poor you(!)

What...? Pen, pen. Wotcha doing,

What IS this?

"Observations dreary."

Oh, diary.

It's for my writing course.

I thought you'd stopped that after

How many weeks WERE you in that

Two. Two weeks(!)

I tell you what, you'd be better

No, I had to get a glimpse

Darling, normal is what you KNOW.

Well, it's a new diet thing,

Dolly cutlery. Fools your brain

Kind of freaky, though.

Look, Eddy Giant-Hands.

Eddy Giant-Hands, sweetheart!

"Mother still fat."

Obser-bloody-vations!

I may be fat, darling,

Yeah, stealing little bits out

Little wit-picker,

You know what that is? That's all

Talk to me. Talk to me. No!

I'm...just lonely.

Well, I am.

You know, Patsy's working,

Got no job of my own any more.

That...

Listen to me, darling.

I miss my son.

Yeah, I do.

I miss my lovely son. He'd talk

I'll call Marshall, see where Serge

Marshall?

Just looking, not eating.

CHEESY ORGAN MUSIC

Send your cheque and your infirmity

Can I hear an Amen? Amen!

Because God don't like demands.

And he said, "Lo," and begged

Can I hear Praise Jesus?

All the cults, they think

Oh, yeah. The Hindus,

And the Buddhists got a circle, and

But, friends, WE have got

Amen! Pay attention up there.

Because, you know,

We wanna take his holy name

Thank you, dear Lord. Thank you!

Philomena Bill from Bunter, Ohio,

Hitch that chair up, drag

Now, touch me, Phil, touch me,

because I CAST OUT your cancer,

I CAST OUT your hypoglyc...

Well, God sees your disease.

And through me, in Jesus's name,

BE HEALED! BE HEALED!

SHE SCREAMS

We have a TV ministry. It's a REAL

It's a TV studio, Bo!

It was the network. But...

we truly HAVE been changed.

Are you talking about Lola?

Oh, she's a wonder.

Lola can't see the future!

Where's my son? OUR son. MY son.

Taking samples from Eskimos.

Taking blibby-blibby. It's lies,

Jesus is our saviour!

I've been thinking about this for

Why doesn't Serge come home?

What can it possibly have been

that drove him away

What can it have been that YOU did

It's the only logical explanation,

You smothered him, tried to seduce

How dare you use words like that

You don't even know what it means!

but, darling, I know something.

My son always loved me. He said so.

Oh...sweetheart, you drove him away

I wish he WAS here, so I wouldn't

The boy wants to be left alone.

Praise Jesus,

Oh, hello, dears.

Have I missed anything? Yeah, they

Say nothing! Serge! I was just

What? Zip it!

Being gay, dear.

Serge is gay?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is!

My son is gay...and she knew?!

Where does he live? Oh...

New York, Eds.

My son is living in New York

My son is living in New York!

He won't want to see YOU. Course he

Oh, yeah. All my friends are gay.

I laugh with them, I cry with them.

# Oklahoma! When the wind comes

He can fill me in on David and Liza.

Oh, darling, personal shopper

Give me his address, darling. No!

No. Shut up! ..I know

No! Shut up! ..Give me his address!

I mean, how many gay men

Marshall,

How can you stand by while your son

Oh, Bo, get real here!

Don't we?

Pats! Pats, sweetheart!

Darling, what are you doing here?

Cos I want you to help me make a

(I've got to find Serge's address.

Oh, right. I might have to give her

But you will come to New York? Ssh!

That's OK. Thanks, cheers, cheers.

SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

ALARM STOPS

(Just as well. This is good stuff.

(It's a little black book. She's

(I hate books, darling. They give

(Up there! I'll keep an eye on her.

(I could do with some help here.)

(Oh, that's very good. Give me the

(Serge...Serge... Oh!)

(Serge! What?)

("Guff."

(Fantastic! New York.

(She won't even notice it's gone.

(Ed! ..Ed!)

(Ed, can you...

MUM!

Good morning.

Eddy! EDDY!

Have we got everything?

Oooh! Oooh! Get up those stairs!

She's given me a wedgie on my thong.

Oh, that's better. Thanks, darling.

Yeah, well...

I just don't know where...

Even if you find him, he won't want

My son is going to love me.

Tickets, money, passports!

We're here at check-in. No, stay

Is this Upper Class? Yes.

Tickets and passport, please. Thanks.

Did you get the bags?

Sarah, would you have a look?

When was this photo taken?

OK. Thank you.

There are your boarding passes.

Not nervous, are you? Nah.

Whatever I choose is cool

What's that, darling?

Ohh, I wonder what he looks like?

Serge. Oh, you're not still going

Who you haven't seen for...?

What age was he when he left?

When did your pelvic floor

Maybe, Eddy...

maybe that wasn't the placenta

Don't be ridiculous. Anyway, we'll

He'll just be talking placenta.

I need air.

YES! MY SON IS GAY

Oh, my sunglasses! My sunglasses!

My sunglasses! Stop the car!

Stop! They're vintage Jackie O!

MUSIC: "Youth Nabbed As Sniper"

Where are we? Are we not staying

It's the Soho Grand. This is where

You won't be woken by the squeak

It'll be the thump of a Reebok

Oh, lovely hotel, hotel, hotel.

Want to wear some of this, darling.

I'll drape it. Darling, we've

we can do Ellis, D...DKNY...

and then Bartley, then Luca, Luca...

Oh, yes!

Yeah.

Guff, darling. It's a club.

Just think, tomorrow, darling,

Darling, you don't need

That porter could have been him.

He might have grown. Too thin.

Oh, I hadn't thought about it like

Champagne tent?

Well, let's go. Darling!

Are you all ready, Marshall?

Don't talk back to me, you twink!

All right, stay and experiment

..you'll come back here, we will

I hope you're writing this down,

I tried. I'll try later.

Big Daddy Bear!

You go, you go, you go.

OK, God loves you, just

MUSIC: "I'm On E"

Cheers! Cheers! Ya, I'm with

Darling, shall we go back

Ruf, how are you doing? I'm OK. How

Darling, thanks.

Oh, hello, sweetheart! Oh, hi!

My son will be here tomorrow.

Oh, precious, precious

Will you read to me from

Ahem. "Cupboard memoirs. Day five.

"My flask is empty. I'm now

"The family have still not been

"This is fantastic. The observations

"Today, they sat at the table and

"and then the mother got up

Hmmm. "The father, called Ted,

"and they watched Changing Rooms,

"They watched it without comment.

It's so funny! Ha-ha!

It's very funny.

Why isn't he back yet,

Oh, baby,

I can do that! ..Can you?

..And that was sort of it.

Tell me, how did Jesus come to you?

Did he come from the side, from

I know he didn't come from below.

He came more on the...diagonal.

And what did he look like?

And did he have a beard? Oh, yes.

Was he wearing sandals

What colour was his robe? Blue.

That was NOT Jesus. Jesus has a

No! You had a demon come to you,

Get on your knees

This is what HE asked me to do.

Demon out! Demon out! Demon out!

What am I gonna do?!

Let me see the schedule.

So, er... Darling, what does it

We've got to see SOMETHING.

Another drink? Yeah. No, I'm not

Take it easy.

I'm not prepared to reveal my vibe.

What's your vibe? Bling. What, just

Just a T-shirt and a rail, a pair

Yeah. No. We'll come tomorrow

and it'll give us the afternoon.

Find Serge, darling. You promised.

Everyone here thinks he's coming

It's here! Ooh, sweetheart!

Guff?

Oh, Guff! "Gays Uniting Friends

So, it's not a club.

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender.

My son is gay. He works here.

Serge. Know him? Is he here? No.

Can you give me his address and

I'm his mother! No, I can't.

Well, who can? Goldie,

Go on and get out!

There you are in my office, crying,

"Ooh, what am I gonna do?

Well, you are going to get over it!

Creepy, strange-arse white people!

Sit. And you know what?

They all have the same little idea.

Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay,

You know, I do weddings -

Can I show you something?

I want to welcome you here,

And I counsel out of the goodness

and I want them to be married. Will

No, I do these same-sex marriages.

It doesn't cost much.

Foot washing and hand fastening.

I have speaking in tongues

Eddy, play along with me.

I take it you're both 'L'?

Yes. I take it you're 'T'?

No, I'm just getting over the flu.

Mmm... Who's been smoking?

I can smell it.

Is it you? Come here.

Come here, girl. Come here.

Oh, God!

One more time!

Oh, God, thank you.

And you know what, you're like

Mmmm!

What can I do for you?

Um, we, er...we want to get married.

No, we don't. Yes, we do, Eddy.

No, we don't. Yes, we do. No, cos...

We want to get married for your

Mmm.

My son is gay and my first husband

And we've got a daughter, but she

Do you know something? OK,

Oh, Eddy, don't rake all this up.

so we don't live in silence. Since

You're living in the house,

Come on, come back at me. Tell me

All right. You talk with your

Mmmm-hmmm.

So sudden.

You know, I think we've gone as far

(Give me five minutes. I'm a genius.

Can I get another hit?

Sure.

Oh, yeah! What's your mama?!

Um...cheers. Thanks a lot.

What are you doing? Why haven't you

Is she back?

She's not here. It's very late.

Ohhh.

# Happy talky talky

# Talk about things you like to do

# You've got to have a dream

# How you going

What happened then?

This is RIDICULOUS!

You see, the thing is, I'm not gay.

OK...OK. But there's a few things,

First...

everybody...is gay.

From the mailman to the president,

You know. Yes.

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

Learn to LOVE the V-on-V thing.

It's cool. V-on-V thing?

V-on-V thing. Tasty, too.

Come on now. Come here. Look at me.

Love yourself.

Yeah, I do. It's fine. No, no.

You must say to yourself,

I love you.

on the love box. "I love you."

I love...

Well, do you like the girls? Yes.

Pick the girls up. Yes. Rise

I LOVE you. That's right.

Stick that tongue out. I LURVE you.

Girl, are you ready? You ready?

Here she is now.

Bull, butch or babe, she's Mr Right.

Eddy!

We are gathered here today

Eddy... ..In wonderfulness,

to bring together

in the sight of...

What's your name? Bill. ..Bill.

..In the sight of Bill, to join...

this heart to this heart.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Is that all of it?

Just need a little bit

from the filing cabinet, cos my son

Bless this union, and you'll go

Repeat after me.

I, Edina...

I, Edina, take you, Patsy...

I, Patsy...take you, Ed...Eddy...

To be my woman... To be my woman.

Have you prepared vows? No. No.

Do you want hand-fasting? No. No.

Do you want to sip from

Well, a sip... No. No.

Then on with the exchange of rings.

I pronounce you married.

You may kiss the brides.

You pucker. You pucker.

Come on now, somebody pucker up.

No, no, no. She'll be there,

No! I can't do that Eddy.

Pucker, don't pucker, suit yourself.

American Express.

That better be Serge's address.

He'll be there in the morning.

Thank you very much.

Hey, I wanted that! We're married!

Aren't you going to carry me

Ohhh!

Third time lucky for me.

You're not getting any of my money.

What? I just... Go and change.

What? Where? Oh! There's something

It's dropped down. You're going

It's all right, we're married!

A paperclip. Cheers, Eddy.

Darling, listen, we are NOT married.

We ARE married. Keep it on till

Then I'll have been married to you

I've never come back from honeymoon

Still, I got what I wanted.

Serge Turtle.

Must be a club.

I've had a hell of a day, I've got

Good.

Cos, frankly, I've got a headache.

I just spoke to Mum. She thinks

Never mind, dear. No, I wanted her

I hope she stays there. Of course

I hope he realises what he's put me

what would you be without her? Mmm?

Oh, no! Oh, what is it? Oh, no!

It's not a club?!

Let's not go in, Eddy. Sweetheart,

We're going in.

I can't meet her! Not today!

Look at what I'm WEARING!

She can't arrive until I've gone

Oh, I'm so fat! Fat, fat,

Saffy, call her!

Saffy? Saffy?

Run, run, run, run, run!

MUSIC: "I'm Always Touched

Ma'am, your bags.

I need lipo and pecs! Oh!

I need PECS!

I'm looking for my son, my son.

Of COURSE I'll recognise her!

Itchy eyes! Itchy eyes!

I will get pecs even

and push in chicken livers with

I keep finding bits of enamel

Eddy!

Agh!

Pats! Over here, Eddy, I'm stuck.

I'm here, sweetheart!

Serge!

It's me, Mama.

Oh, my God! I didn't want

It's all right, darling.

Oh, I don't care where we are

I... I'm not.

What?

I'm, I'm, I'm not Serge.

Serge Turtle.

No, I'm not your son.

But, er...I love you

and I don't even know you,

so.... Mmmmmm!

I am Serge.

I...am your son.

He's a book?

Serge?

Hello.

Darling, is that really you?

Are you standing on something,

You exist, then.

I was beginning to think you were

I'm sorry.

Come and give Mama a hug, darling.

SACCHARINE MUSIC

Sweetheart...hello, darling.

Darling, look at you. Look at this.

Sweetheart...

This is Martin, my partner.

Your boyfriend? Yes.

Super to meet you. I've been

Stop it. ..you are bigger...

I mean, larger... No, I mean...

a light. Just leave it! A very big

I'll shut up now.

You found me. It wasn't easy,

That IS my name. It's Dad's name.

Oh!

Look, Saffy's right.

Darling, forget that now. No.

Don't you want to know why I left?

No, I left so I could be the person

I wanted you to be gay, darling!

Why do you think I blasted my belly

I tried to MOULD you in the womb.

You could have told me, darling.

Think of all the things we've

I'm in mourning for the shopping

This is why I left. You only have

A gay man can be...boring.

being gay is the best excuse you'll

Time's up, Eddy.

Darling, where have you been? I got

Darling, this is Serge.

Darling, do you remember Patsy?

Serge.

Pat.

We're going to a few fashion shows.

So, darling... Oh, just go. No,

No, no, no. Oh, my God.

You think you can attach me like

We only have half an hour.

OK. I want you to listen. I will,

Don't you remember my book allergy,

Itchy eyes?!

You never COULD stand books.

I like books with photos.

I hate THESE books, yes.

what you said. "Tiny coffins

Well, I was jealous of the books.

I could take you hating everything

chasing them away

the way you smothered me with

the way you let...THAT revel

Why did you burn all my books?!

We were cold. ..Come on, Eddy.

I know. One sec, one sec.

Just come with us for today and

Give me a day, darling,

Will you do that? Just give me

Come on, darling, come on.

I'm stronger than you still! ..This

Say yes, say yes! It's only a day!

He said yes!

Saffy, darling. Saffy, it's Mama,

Guess who's next to me now,

I'm coming. ..Darling, say hello.

Mum? Serge?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! On my date!

Only on the knee. God! Did you

That's the same thing

Where's your little book? Write it

SHOUTING CONTINUES

MUSIC: "Wheels On Fire"

Darling, he's with me.

We've got to get through here.

Could you give my son a haircut?

Come on, Eddy.

Keep up! ..This is my son. He's gay.

He's with me, he's with me.

# Wheels on fire

# Best notify my next of kin... #

I think it's water.

Oh, no, that's Patsy's bottle.

Jared, hi. I really loved the show.

Hello. We loved it. We loved it.

This is my son. Is he gay?

Put him in leather.

# If your memory

Debbie! Your godson, your godson!

TECHNO VERSION OF

My son is gay!

COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC

Hold that. I can do that, Eddy.

Eddy. Eddy, look at this, darling.

Eddy, look, I'm up here, darling!

# Rock'n'roll! #

Ow! Ow!

Oh, my God, it's ME! ..Eddy!

BOOM!

Lift your hands!

Search me! Search me!

Put your hands behind your back!

SIRENS

DO something!

# Wheels on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode! #

You're early. I didn't know if

Oh, they let us out, the cops.

Great trip. ..You got inspiration

free airline sponge bags and a rail.

That's not your phone, that's

What do you think of that, darling?

Mum... Cheers, darling.

Patsy and I got married. Well...

Gay man, straight man, woman.

Fantastic, isn't it? Mum... What?

I just wanted to say...

I still love you.

Well, you don't need to now,

In fact, darling, he's coming

No, my son.

I now pronounce you...

Photo!