Original subtitles

Oh, I just love all this!

Oh, I just want it, want it,

I'll get the kitchen

Eddie, who is this?

What? Darling, I'm giving it to

John? Have you got a John?

Darling, the tall, black man that's

Remember I can't go

Well, take something off then!

Work-wise! Work-wise!

Mum, I'm ready, we'd better be off.

Oh, look at her! Little walking

Oh, I can't believe my little girl

I'm not exactly young any more.

No, darling, I meant, I can't

Mum, are you ready?

You're not coming, are you?

Darling, you didn't want me to come!

Yes! Oh, it's just, y'know...

I'm chocca with work, aren't I?

No, darling, I've got Emma Bunton

Lulu up to 'ere? Yes.

Anyway I can't go cos Patsy's sick.

Well, that's not news(!) Actually,

Are you? She is! See, I can't go,

Anyway, I've given my ticket

Never mind, darling. Off you go.

You look after yourself, won't you?

IN A GOAT-LIKE VOICE:

No, I was talking to Lola.

Hello, Jane!

Have you had all your injections?

I was talking to the goat that time

GOAT VOICE:

She says she has, Eddie.

John's family are going to like

Yes, it's the perfect present.

they can milk it dry

Off you go. How long will you be

That'll give me time to re-do

Please don't change the house again

I'd just like Jane to recognise

BABY VOICE: All right, I won't!

Promise? Yeah, darling, I pomise!

I pomise, pomise, pomise, pomise!

Of you go! Off!

# Bong! Bong! Bong! Bung! Bung!

# I'm a one-man band! La la la. #

Great! They're gone, sweetheart!

Yeah, party, Eddie, woooh!

LOUD FUSION DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

How long is it since we last...

Ed, darling... Eddie, a second.

Darling, can you just come over.

What? Don't think it should be

But not now,

Party! We'll get the house down,

Pats! Come on!

Pats!

MUSIC: "This Wheel's On Fire"

# Wheel's on fire

# Rollin' down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode! #

Hello, darling. Oh, hello, Eddie.

Did you have the operation?

It's only half-done, you see,

They couldn't complete it until

A sort of pay-as-you-go thing.

Darling, can we go back next week

Yeah, they can tidy me up then.

Eddie, what happened

I got someone in to do it, darling.

Bettina and Max.

How are we doing?

There's still too much in here.

I want...

..THAT...out of here!

We can't get it out. Jesus! Steady!

I have to start...

with white box.

It IS white box.

Um...

what do we think...

..over...over here?

Do we need anything more?

For the client. I WANT THAT OUT!!

We can't get it out! WHY?

Aaaargh!

Hello.

Hello.

I don't...want her here...in here

with all...that fatness

It's...too fast...

I'm fighting for AIR!

How are we doing?

She's...um...feeling it.

So what's the inspiration here?

Don't you like it?

No, I love it. I love it.

..I was thinking...

perhaps a little...

Max, turn on the pebbles.

Cosy ENOUGH for YOU?!

So you and Bettina are divorced now,

Well, if you ever want to take up

We can go upstairs now, if you want.

I'm...gay now. Oh...

You were the last woman

BOY, you sure know how to TURN 'em!

Stop it!

Didn't you have a little child or

Yes...um...Allegra.

She put herself into...

At boarding school. ..care.

She developed totally reasonable

I'm much happier now.

No, we're DIVORCED!

On what grounds?

(Jesus Christ!)

Oh, yes, that's right.

You brought something

Don't do this! And something FAT!

We're just going to click

Fat! Fat! I'm just...

Fat! Into the BOX!

No, he wasn't fat!

He was a little plump.

Into the box! There we are.

There we are! Fat! Faffff...

There. That's it.

Just...

There we are.

That's it. Now...I don't think

Right, how are we...going to...

There we are!

Right. There you go.

So he had to take her back

She was only on day-release anyway.

What's she in for?

Who usually decorates the house,

I don't want Kunz to do it, I want

Just call someone up, then we

You might want to change,

And you might want to remove

This is vintage.

I don't think so!

Pats, tell her this is vintage!

Oh, God! Mum!

Shit!

She shouldn't be back yet!

Come on! Do something! Pats, do

Just say it is finished!

BUBBLE'S SCREAMS CONTINUE

Hello, darling! Hello, sweetheart!

Mum, what have you done?!

You promised you wouldn't do this!

I didn't, I said "pomise" and had

Anyway, do you like it?

Yeah, no one's got a kitchen

It's all clinic now, darling.

Clinic...it's the perfect reduction

Re-duss a juss...re-do a Jew...

I don't want to reduce a juice.

I want to make a cup of tea.

We're all tired, darling!

It's not like I haven't tried...

Yes! Mum, Jane will be awake

Is she still titting her?

Darling, Pats says,

No! She says, "no."

Oh...where's John?

Um...he's um... What?

You did get the little bit of that

Did you? He didn't marry

Quite hard to tell them apart! Yeah!

Quite big tits, actually.

Yeah, she gets those from me,

So...sweetheart...what...?

Mum... Mmm? ..John...

Oh, Christ!

Oh, I can whiff it from here,

He didn't want to marry you!

I always said you'd end up

Mmm?

Yes, we ARE married! So...

Sweetheart, what? Darling,

Darling? Tell Mama!

He's...

What?

Ho-ho! Hello!

We're home!

Oh, and everybody's here.

Praise JESUS! OH!

Keep your voice down!

They can't hear us down here,

Thank you for this place of refuge.

We couldn't afford the Lanesborough,

Well... We're being pursued by the

The children of Beelzebub.

UPBEAT GOSPEL MUSIC

Welcome back!

Gosh,

Sure has! Praise Jesus!

# Praise him most high

# In his own name,

I can't praise him any more

Hallelujah! Amen to that!

In this hour, we'll ask our friends

to ring in with credit card

Or authorised cheques. Or bonds.

The call is free

I know you're thinking,

but it is God's temple.

Amen! Amen! AMEN! AMEN!

No! I don't think

But what happens is, it steals

Carrying the word of God!

Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! Amen!

Carrying the word of God to you

You see?

He hates sitting on his tail,

switching on his Panasonic

It makes him mad! Ooh, he is MAD!

Ooh, it makes him so MAD! Grrr!

Call the number now!

All the lines are open!

The more you give,

Testimonials! Oh, we got

Who do we got? I believe we have

DISGUISED VOICE:

but I am very, very happy.

Carmel Rodriguez.

Oh, and you know what?

You can send it in pesos, send it in

Ain't that right? That's right!

Philomena Bill down there in Bunter,

Baby,

Call now and be saved!

Call, because we want to bring the

You don't have to open your door!

BANGING AND SPLINTERING OF DOOR

We were merely trying to release

So for now, we're laying low

I've gone back to acting.

Don't be modest, Marshall!

It's a small part in

It's the juvenile lead!

It's good money

Baby,

# Truly scrumptious... #

# ..Truly, truly... # Stop it!

All right. Come on, mister.

# Oh you pretty Chitty Bang Bang

Mum...why did you change it?

Oh, are we back on this, are we,

Why did I change it?! Everything has

Mmm?

We can't all wrap up in cheese-rind

can we, sweetheart?

That ain't gonna happen.

It used to be you could have

What are you talking about?

What I'm talking about is now even

You can't just wash your hands

Got to have a bowl.

Not even a bowl, darling!

Mum!

Darling, your kitchen is now so

Your dishwasher can get in,

Your fridge can be dancing

SHUT UP! I can't even have a bath

Mum, it's just STUFF!

Just STUFF?! I have a vision!

Do it yourself! Do it yourself...

DIY? I can do that!

Yes, I've got the DIY channel.

Well, you got it for me, dear.

That isn't the DIY channel,

It's the DYI channel -

And you're on a short subscription,

Is that one of my old suits?

No, it's vintage!

The times I've had in that suit!

Let me smell it. No, get off!

Get off! Get off!

If you don't do it, I'll do it!

The kitchen!

Oh, you'll...

You can do it, will you, darling?

Oh, YOU'D do it, will you?

How will YOU do it, darling? How

Get us some little rejecty titty

TIT craft TIT shop, will you?

Is that where you'll go?

I'll do it, sweetheart.

What, NOW?

Yeah, all right, I'll do it now.

If it gets that look off your face.

I'll do it now. Yeah. Yeah. Come on,

Not SHOPPING, buying!

Do you want a little

Shall I?

Do you want one of those little

And olives...oh, we do need olives,

Right, Gran, would you look

I need to get her some food.

I need to get her some food. No, dear, I can't.

I can't help feeling, Saffy,

just because I'm around

Ooh! I can see it already! Just

I will, darling, but lovely things!

We'll be out so fast,

Let's do this, think texture,

Quite like that, might buy it,

Yeah. Buy it. What do you think?

Lovely, buy it. I can't buy it all!

You haven't bought anything!

I know what'll help you to focus.

What? A nice little drink.

Mmm. Let's focus, darling. Yeah.

The room's the wrong shape. If the

GUSHING SOUND

And everything wouldn't have to

It's you! It's you! Oh...yeah.

Oh...

..um, ust close off

Let's do it.

There. Cheers, sweetie. Fine. Right.

Got some food to wash it down with.

Oh, cheers!

Can we have a REFILL?

Darling, you know who that is? Hmm?

(Terence Conran.)

I know. I know too.

Have one yourself.

We've just been in your shop.

Really?

Yeah, I'm doing up my kitchen area,

It'll be a big job, Terry.

It'll be showcased

In fact, darling,

I want YOU to do it. I want

But a house should reflect

Crap!

When I walk into your house,

Well, I would still be there.

Me too. She'd be there too.

When I walk into my house, Terry,

I really don't think

DRIPPING SOUND

Oh, darling...sweetheart...

Yeah?

Oh, Eds, get us a glass, darling.

Be a shame to waste it.

Now, tell me all about the wedding!

Oh, are those the photos? Yes.

Oh, I say!

Is that you, dear? Yes.

And who are all those other ladies?

Those are his other wives.

No, but it's all right.

He just has to split his time, and,

Oh, Saffy! You've joined a harem!

Come on, darling. Bloody Conran!

Hello! Cab! Cab!

Kunz!

We haven't got much time. Oh, God...

The traffic's not too bad.

When we get in there

Point and load. All right, darling.

Ring the bell, get that door open!

Push it! Push! Kunz!

Push it! Try again!

BANGING ON WINDOW

BELL RINGS

No, no, no!

GERMAN ACCENT: Let zem vait!

Let's see how much

Come on, sweetie!

I just can't help thinking we'd sell

Oh? Vell, you know nussing!

HE SNIFFS

What is that smell?

Oh...

I've got to offload that foot!

BELL RINGS

Ja, ring it! RING IT!

RINGING CONTINUES

Who is that?

Oh my God, go! GO! Open! Open!

Faster!

Faster, you silly cow!

Run! RUN like the WIND!

Kunz! Kunz!

Herr Kunz! Kunz!

Sweetheart, I...I'll speak to you

Sweetheart! Oh! Mwah! Mwah!

Hello. I didn't see it was you!

My God, look at you!

What happened to your head?

Your bifocals are on upside down.

There you are. Danke, Yoko.

Yoko? I'm...I'm Japanese.

Don't ask. So what can I show you?

As you can see,

No, listen, Kunz,

Right? What are we talking about

Did you see the foot?

I had this foot!

No! J-Lo adores it! Yah.

Maybe she should have it, after all.

it's the only foot big enough

I love it. I'd have it myself.

Kunz, work with me here!

I need something quick!

A mirror! Argh!

Oh, come on, darling.

What is the mood, please?

scgrrr...scgrrr!

Eurgh...words would help!

I can see something. Mmm.

What speaks to you? Nothing!

Oh, come on! That's just because

Stay there.

Sit on me.

Sit on me all night LONG

I love you! I looove you.

I love you more than the FOOT.

The...foot...

Um, that's just you speaking,

really, isn't it? Just doing...

that with some cushions.

No, I was channelling the furniture!

Shut up!

Oh, no! Big head again!

All right. Look, just... just...

I can't work on nothing,

give me something!

It's in you! I can see it...

but I just can't... SEE it,

Is there a way...? Where can

In a past life?

Huh! (In a past life.)

Do you think it's in a past life?

In a past life!

What I can see is in a past life,

Then you need to be regressed.

Really, darling? Yes.

It seemed pretty fabulous.

It...I...I was in an ancient world.

It looked like Egypt... Yes?

everybody half-naked

..serpents, men, women...

Hmm.

..barges of burnished gold.

Early Cher tour. Ja!

Ja! I was a principal dancer!

Wow. Und Cher loved me!

Mmm. You go, be regressed.

But you'll be back here so fast!

Faster than Cher can Turn Back Time.

Come on, let's go. Thank you, Kunz.

Come on, Pats!

Come on! Oh...

DRIBBLING SOUND

(Yes. The regressor is here.)

Where are you? I'm just here.

Where's Saff?

Gone to her dad's for food.

Right,good. Keep a watch out for

Hi, Crystalline?

Yes, how ARE YOU!

This is my first time doing this.

I do a lot of peoplebut it would be

Mmm. Yeah.

She was a rabbi at the Shtetl.

And I took Liz Taylor back through

And Shirley McLean...

I'll just light a few more candles.

No, I'm ready. They're pretty!

Yeah, they're £50 a wick! Can you

Just regress me.

I had a second cousin who was

He was a right NUTTER!

Oh, shut up!

Sorry about that. All right then.

Well, I've got my pad. I've got

Good, I'm sensing that we've

No, I just told you that.

We know each other from somewhere.

Oh! Weren't we shackled together

You were a bag of bones then!

Well, you weren't Pablo -

Round

No, we've only just met!

I told you that! Did you? Yes!

It's like someone

OK, good. Breathe...now...

Wel...

Is there a reason for this?

Something unresolved in your past?

How can we know where we are,

Where am I? Holland Park.

Oh, well, you see...

what it is...

I've seen a sort of vision thing...

Oh...what I'm actually after is

And I have to go back

No, should be in the last two weeks.

It could be a magazine I've read,

Can we get on with it? No, no!

We have all the time in the world!

We have the future.

Oh, Christ! Oh...

SPITTING

Now, breathe!

I'm breathing. All right.

Mm-hm. ..as I take you back.

Feel da rhythm of da beat

No, that's...that's...

because that one...

Which one...will...we...use...

Yes, that's the voice! That's the

And as you go back, if you see

Get on with the thing!

CLEARS HER THROAT

You heavy! Very, very heavy!

Heavy limbs!

Heavy arms! Great big...

OK, I'm heavy, all right.

You in lovely, warm light...

Yes. The light is flooding oot...

Oh, come on! Breathe! I'm breathing.

I don't like the beach.

Yes... Now I take you back that way

And then you in different...life.

Actually, I'll ring the bell several

Oh, God! All right...

in my normal voice,

Come back to me, now! I'm here!

I was only just behind my eyelids

Have you done it yet, Eddie?

I haven't had a chance.

Yes, we've met! Pablo! Buenos dias.

No more candles! Get on with it!

Leave the candles!

Can I stay? As long as you're quiet.

I'll be quiet! But is it all right

And now I take you back, back, back,

Four times!

And you tell me what you see.

Look down at your feet.

She's never been able to see

You male or female? Female.

Don't rush out of a regression like

No, you're out when I say so!

Good day, Madam, and there's

What's happened?

Pats! Pats! No, don't wake her!

Pablo, I'm speaking to

To the person you're being then...

Oh... En garde! Et la! Et touche!

Aaah! She knows French!

# With a hey nonny no

What's she doing?

PATSY MAKES MONKEY NOISES

SHE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

Pablo! Pablo, where are you?

The...Big...BANG!

She's at the beginning of time!

She's just protoplasm!

Pablo, you must come forward.

But is it all right if I smoke?

Yeah, darling, it's fine

Can we just get on with it?

SAFFY: Just wait here,

Shit! She's here! Quick, regress me!

Come on. Yeah, all right, ding-ding,

Mum? No, no! Regression in progress!

By...a lake...

Pre-Raphaelite hair. Pre-Raphaelite

By lake...grassy mere.

Here are my friends, "Hello, who

Dante Gabriel Portia Rossi.

Keats.

Pepys.

Sheep...

What's she doing? Who can say?

I hardly know her.

Yes...I'm walking...

I'm at a desk. I'm at my desk...

composing a Lakeland poem.

# I'm walking down the road...

# Just looking at the things...

# Oh the people walking by... # Mum!

No, DON'T wake her!

# ..Pretty lady... #

Oh, shit! Shit! Shit!

Shit! What did you do that for,

Where am I? Who am I? Who are you?

Mum, what are you doing?

Darling,

I have to go back...so I can

You understand?

When everything grinds to a halt,

Yeah, because sometimes, darling,

Isn't that...?

Isn't that right?

Cos, sweetheart...

# Round like a circle

Sweetheart?

What? WHAT?

What is the matter with YOU? I can't

THEY BOTH SHOUT AT ONCE

Oh, get off!

You hit her! Darling, no...

I dunno,

Reasonable force, darling.

I don't want you here any more! She

It is. It is actually, darling, but

Well, she just said you, Eddie.

You want us out?

Well, darling, this IS family life!

We're having a domestic!

This is what it's like, darling,

It's never goping to be perfect like

Because we're not like

that you can push around

This is it, sweeetheart.

I'm BORED of it.

Don't throw us out, cos we'll go.

We'll find somewhere else,

You can have this

We'll move on.

Come on, Pats.

Pats?

Eddie, what have you done?

What? We'll find somewhere else!

Come on, sweetie...

You don't seem to understand. I can

This is my HOME!

No, darling, this isn't your home.

Do you know why, sweetheart?

Because a home isn't a PLACE.

I read that.

Home is a transitory object.

Home, darling, is people.

People who love you.

I'm your home, aren't I, Pats?

Come on, sweetheart.

Come on. Look...

Gngh.

Saff, you're going

I think rigor has set in.

Aaargh!

Eddie, bring my cigarettes.

CRASHING SOUND

STAPLE GUN FIRES

Oh!

Ooh, there we are, dear.

They should stay up now.

But I don't think

The smell of glue

Thank you, Gran,

Will you be all right, dear? Yes.

You're better off without her,

I bet they haven't got anywhere

Oh, this is for you, dear.

Oh, thank you, Gran! What is it?

It's my bill, dear.

POP!

I unpacked the glasses.

Oh, isn't this lovely, I love it

Cheers! Do you want to stay here

Let's move through to the other

This is lovely, isn't it?

Better than Saffy's place, eh? God!

Mmm. I'm glad we got this. Love

It's lovely, Eddie. Are you thinking

I don't know. What do you think?

I like the space. Yeah...yeah. Yeah.

There's more light in here.

MUSIC: Orchestral version

# Wheel's on fire

# Rollin' down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode. #

Subtitles by Catherine Weston