Original subtitles

# Wheels on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode. #

ALARMS BLARE

No, no! Snooze! Snooze!

Snooze.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, God. Bubble!

Yes, I AM getting up

and in fact I would BE up

SHE SIGHS

Come on, snooze! Snooze!

Snooze.

Oh, well, I'm awake now. Awake now.

ALARMS BLARE

Oh, yes, I'm awake now, I said.

Oh, God!

YOU'RE LATE! I am not late.

Anyway, darling, you've got

you know, you've got

My website is me - it must be

Vitamin B,

ginkgo,

black cohosh,

dong! Oop!

SHE COUGHS

All right, darling.

I want, "I met Ulrika at a party.

that sort of thing. Do it, do it.

Shall I Twitter that?

And also stay here

It's all right.

I'm here already, dear.

Oh.

Well, howdy, stranger!

It looks as though

It's a skirt, it's a skirt!

Anyway what are you doing here?

I haven't got time,

I've got to go, you stay here,

and frisk her before she leaves,

The whole house is alarmed now.

Where are we?

Brixton, madam. Brixton! Brixton!

Play some dubstep, dis my hood.

Hey, Brixtooon.

Brixtoooon, yeah.

Hey, wha'gwan? Wha'gwan?

What? No, no, they'll take the...

Drive like the wind!

FOGHORN BLARES

You're late.

Darling, you've been in there

I don't think two hours will

Oh, let's look at you, darling.

Oh, look at you. Old skinny-winny.

You're skinny-winny thin,

Didn't you eat your slop?

I missed you, darling.

Going to give Mum a hug?

Give Mum...a hug.

Yes, I've ballooned!

You could have come and visited.

Look, darling, I've been

recent trunkal obesity,

And anyway, darling, I did.

You know, they wouldn't let me in.

You have to come at visiting times.

Oh, visiting times. Visiting...

I was banging on the door!

Probably too ashamed to be seen

Oh, no, darling, that's cool.

Oh, yeah, kids in pris.

We got a little club -

me, Bryan Ferry, Dave Gilmour,

And actually, darling, your crime -

ain't so bad as some of them.

What was yours?

I didn't know.

No.

I didn't know!

Darling, you are innocent

and you've been proved guilty,

Oh!

Hello, sweetie. Hello, Dad.

No, no, no! Not on my surfaces!

No, no!

CHAMPAGNE HISSES

Well, what are you doing here?

I've got a car boot to get to.

Oh! Well, jump in, slam it shut

Hey, hey, hey,

You look great. You look great,

Have you managed to talk

Your granddaughter.

She's called Lola.

Anyway, is she going to come back

No, she's in school.

Eddy! Eddy, where have you been?

I'm...I'm here, Saff. I'm here.

Well, I must be off. Bye, dear.

Are you out for a long time?

For ever, Gran.

Oh, jolly good. Keep in touch.

Not so fast.

Is that really necessary?

Yes, because of the few possessions

there isn't one

on some Antiques Roadshow

Thank you. You may go.

Nothing for the car boot, then?

Just you!

SHE GROWLS

Darling, what are you doing, Pats?

Respect for doing bird.

Darling, you know

the hacks, the hogs,

The guards? The guards, yeah?

Yeah. Well, they tell me that

What, Saffy?

Yeah.

So cheers!

Cheers.

Cheers.

After living with you two

believe me, prison was like a spa.

So sweet. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

SHE BELCHES

So, what's been happening?

I feel like I've been away ages.

Oh, well, fashion-wise,

Oh, is it? Oh!

Yeah. Donatella is still with us.

And we're loving Ferragamo pumps

I love pumps, I love wearing pumps.

No, Eddy, darling. Why?

No, not flats on you. Why?

Mrs Pepperpot.

Oh! Thank you.

Thank you for making me

at a time in my life, darling,

when every fat cell

has come back for

I don't suppose even the credit

SIZZLING

Thank you, Pats.

What's happening, what's happening?

Who are all these people?

Mum, I don't know.

Ask me, darling.

Who are all these people?

I don't know!

They're just no-names,

Look, there's a new disease

It's just sort of spread.

Like herpes. Yeah.

Each one with its own reality show.

Yeah. They're multiplying

Darling, look at this

Very soon, she will

and become TWO Kardashians.

That looks like a boob. In fact,

It's another Kardashian.

I'm not interested. I meant, what's

Ooh!

They got married!

The nation's sweethearts,

Oh, my God, the Royal Wedding!

No. Ooh!

A day like no other!

"I want to see them! I want

"I've camped out for 12 weeks,

"Oh, oh, oh! It's McQueen!

Oh,

Oh! "Betwixt and between,

And Pippa! Pippa!

Swish, swish, swish down the aisle.

Great, big, fat arse!

Swish, swish, swish!

No knickers!

Rear of the year!

Hey! Ooh, guess who I am.

Go on, guess, guess. Yeah?

Stop.

And then on the balcony...

kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy.

No tongues, no tongues!

Oh, Dad, is Aung San Suu Kyi out?

Sushi, darling? No, that's a staple!

Yes, sweetie, she's out.

Yes, awful.

Oh, I don't know.

Nothing wrong

It only takes one person to realise

Just a pane of glass.

Oh, darling, the real news is

Patsy and I have been banned

Unfairly.

Ridiculous!

I mean, all I did was

and didn't realise he was breast-

You ran at him, Eddy.

But I slipped on the lactation.

You hit him like a bowling ball.

Elton John has a baby?

We think he got a big egg

Cheers. Cheers, darling.

KEYS JANGLE

KEYS CLATTER IN DOOR

Hello, darling, just thought I'd

Oh!

Hello.

Oh, is that how long you are?

Are those your toes?

You were only that long

You're going to bed early, Mum.

I watch a Killing a night.

You're actually watching

Although I think Danish is pretty

Oh!

SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

EDDY CHUCKLES

It's a little joke in Danish -

Oh, proud of you, top cat.

Top dog. Dog.

So...

Oh, for God's sake, just ask!

All right. Was there any fiddly

No. There was no fiddly diddling

Sounds dirty

I did have lots of friends.

Oh, did you, darling?

If you want any of your friends

I would be cool, you know that, hmm?

Oh! Well...there is someone.

A special friend.

HER BREATH SHAKES

No, not in a sexual way!

Look, really, Mum, I'm not gay.

I'm sorry. That's all right.

So this "friend"...?

I just felt

She looked up to me... Oh, did she?

..and I thought it would be nice

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's cool, that's cool.

All right, darling.

What's that? Oh, that's just

You're not still

No, I grieve for the menopause.

I haven't got

I'm held together with gels,

It's good to be home, Mum.

Oh, good, it's nice to have

Yeah. We should catch up.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Oh, darling, I have something

I'm going to be

MUSIC: "Bulletproof"

# Been there, done that

# I'm having fun

# I'll never let you sweep me

# I won't let you in again

# The messages I've tried to send

# My information's

Sexy.

No.

So, how have you been?

I didn't know you were

Yeah, well, I got

That's cos yous kept me

See? So there are benefits

Yeah, nice. This is tasteful.

I reckon some of this stuff

Um, do you want another cup of tea?

When you're inside, everyone does

Of course, everyone is doing

Oh, my God!

Why did I only just hear?

Oh, oh! Oh, God!

So how was it? I was trying

You'd been sectioned, yeah.

Yes.

How are you now? Are you OK?

Really well. Great pills!

The voices have stopped.

So how was it?

Was it scary?

Did you get beaten up at all?

No. Oh.

Was there a...?

No.

Oh, Sarah, this is Baron.

Oh!

She was my best friend in prison.

Oh.

Oh...! No.

Ooh! No. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Stop it!

The voices are back!

Phoo. That was weird!

I'm sorry. I don't want tea -

Darling, what was Titicaca

Eh? Sweetheart, is your little pris

Yes, Mum, this is Baron.

Nice to meet you.

Oh!

Hello, Baron, yeah. Wh'appen?

So this is Pats... Oh.

Oh! So...

..Baron. I like your place.

Yeah. Yeah, I lahk it, I lahk it.

Yeah. Yeah, my...my crib is nahs.

I really lahk it, I lahk it.

It's...it's like workin' it,

And you know, Baron, well,

you can, um, you can just, like,

Yeah, yeah, cos you

Stop it. I can't help it.

Yeah, she's a sweetheart. Mm.

So, Baron, what was you,

You know, what's you insahd...

Oh, it doesn't matter, it doesn't

You don't have to tell her.

I'm no fish, but I was in

And I just, you know catch a ride

I mean, that was

They put you inside

I want you to meet Pats.

You staying for munch?

Are you staying...?

Pats! Pats!

Pats! Ooh! Pats!

Pats, darling!

What are you doing?

Eddy, Eddy, that one, that girl...

Yes, she's lovely, darling,

She's a killer!

No, she's not, darling, she's just

Yeah, papers, Eddy - drugs, Eddy...

Oh, drugs!

To ME, Eddy!

You didn't dob her in,

No, darling. Did you?

No, the thing is, Eddy,

I need your help. I owe her money.

Well, how much? Lots! Oh, God!

And she says if she doesn't get it,

Oh, no darling, she's all right.

And YOU, Eddy! Oh, Christ!

Did she see you?

Did she recognise you?

Yeah. She did.

Hello, there, Aunty Patsy!

Hello! You remember

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah?

Nice. Tailor-made.

Yeah, well,

Got any shit?

I've got...

I've got a stake, I've got a spliff,

I've got a hookah, I've got

I want my money. She hasn't

Shut up! Shut...

Yeah. Well, I want 50 buckets.

Pardon? What?

50 Derulos. What?

50 Rios. Er...

£50,000.

THEY GASP

If I don't get it, yeah,

and your daughter in the meantime

She will be, she will be.

Yeah, she'll be very sweet

She's SWEET to you. She will be.

She'll be bloody sweet to you. Cool.

Oh, Christ!

Christ.

Do you like porcini?

I don't know what the shit that is.

Get me another drink.

Get it yourself.

Don't mess me about.

Baron, you can get yourself a drink.

But you is my little wifey.

YOU does it.

Your wifey?

Get...me...another...drink!

"THE KILLING" PLAYS

SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Mum.

Darling, what are you doing here?

She's not my girlfriend!

Sit down.

I hate to break this to you,

Why?

She's Patsy's old drug dealer,

All right, hang on, don't blow off

It's just that Patsy owes her

Oh, my God! I know, but we're going

you've just got to keep her sweet,

All right, then we'll be killed in

Go on, do as you're told.

I'll sort this.

With clear, logical...

and Danish thinking.

SHE YAWNS

SHE GASPS

TRANSLATED FROM DANISH:

Sarah Lund.

SHE SPEAKS IN DANISH

Sarah Lund?

EDDY SPEAKS GIBBERISH

EDDY CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH

No, just leave the necklace.

The necklace

SHE CARRIES ON SPEAKING GIBBERISH

Sorry, I...I don't know

I'm speaking Danish.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

I am!

'Mum. Mum!'

Oh! What? What, darling?

I'm scared. I asked her to go, and

Oh, God! Oh, I'll call Patsy.

Where is she? She's in the attic.

Pats!

Yeah, what's happening?

the money she says Patsy owes her.

Oh! Oh, I don't like this, Eddy.

Mum, Baron is serious.

All right, darling. Well,

I'm not cash rich.

Darling, I invest in accessories.

My shoes are my hedge fund

Well, shall we call the police?

NO!

This is your fault, you know,

YOU invited her in!

Why haven't you got any money?

You never stopped working at

Of course they don't pay me.

Will you stop hassling Pats, please?

You must have been paid.

What about your pension?

How dare you?!

I'm 39! 39.

You don't get your pension?

Eddy... Oh, my God,

Oh, stop it, darling. Nyee, nyee!

Don't!

You don't tell me "don't",

Until I get my money,

I like this house.

I like YOU.

What, was you thinking you was

I don't think so!

Yeah, you my pet, little girl,

And no-one touches my pet, hmm?

SHE HUFFS AND SCOFFS

Done some serious negotiation.

And I think I've... Oh!

Oh, darling, she wants £70,000 now.

Oh, let's just leave the country,

How could you spend

When was the last time

This isn't the 1980s. I'm not

I'm talking about Chanels

I'm talking about opium

I am talking ayahuasca

blown from a shaman's pipe

This is the Bugatti

This costs! Give them up if you

Have you seen the price

Just sell something, Eddy!

Yeah, well, I haven't got

That's true, dear. Yeah.

Well, you have got to do something.

What shall we do, darling?

Shall we? Shall we bake some?

Anyway, you should be downstairs,

No! Oh, what? You won't do

and we get slit from ear to ear?

Well, thank you very much(!)

What about her?

Well, that's sixpence a week,

£102.15, dear.

Over how many years?

You need to go to the Benefits

Have you got a birth certificate?

Salary slips?

That's it.

You've got a passport!

Is that you?

Well, sort of.

down the Bull & Minge

You haven't got anything?!

No. Credit card? No, I...

She uses mine. Yeah.

There's no record of you anywhere?

Who am I, Ed?

You're nobody.

Oh, you have to have paperwork

Maybe I don't exist, Eddy.

Maybe someone stole my identity.

Stop it! What am I going to do,

Well, dear,

Oh, God! Something official

Well, why didn't you say so, dear?

I think I might be able to help.

Here we are.

Here's your old

Well, I haven't taken much out, just

BARON: Wifey! WIFEY!

Go on, then!

Get to work! Go on, get...!

Hello. Yeah, hi, just come in

Right.

Oh, my God! Oh, God,

Thank you.

Is that the prairie look?

Oh, I love! Anyway my friend, here.

This one?

This one.

Right.

You just need birth certificate,

Oh, let's go, Eddy.

We don't have any of that.

Oh. Um, OK, so what's your name?

Eurydice Colette Clytemnestra Dido

Cool. So how old do we know you are?

Um, what do you

I don't know if this would help,

I don't know if that would help.

Um... Oh, OK. Well, this is OK.

Yeah? Um... There's still

I'm just checking

But National Insurance has been paid

on everything that's gone into

So still no birth certificate.

Back, back. Sorry.

Back, back.

I'm joking!

Back, back! Oh, bingo!

PRINTER WHIRRS AND CLICKS

Oh, Eddy! Oh, darling!

Oh! I'm a person!

Yeah, a very rich person.

A very OLD person.

BARON CHUCKLES

I can't believe this, man -

You was all so easy.

Oh, well, have some more.

No, no, darling. Why pay less?

No, darling, that's not what they

Go! Go! Go!

No, no, no. Oh, her! Yes, yes.

Oh, good riddance!

Oh! Cheers, darling, cheers.

Thank you. Yeah, "Thank you."

It's not exactly what you expect

Go to pris, bring home

So how much has she got?

Yeah, I mean, that Post Office book

bursting at the seams with

And then her pension, darling,

What are you going to do

No, no, sweetheart, no, no.

You've got to put it somewhere,

Oh!

Here, sweetheart.

Oh, what's that?

Ooh! Hi, Stella.

No, darling.

No, sweetheart.

It's a wallet.

It's a wallet. A wallet.

A wallet? Yes. A wallet.

I've got a wallet?

Wow!

# Wheels on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd