Original subtitles

'So I went on to this bar

'It was ma-a-ad

'Just went, "wa-a-a-ay!"

'It was so funny.

'Then we went on to this other bar

'Then I vomit on meself.

'They're cracking up and I'm going,

'And you were thinking

'I don't remember anything after

SPLASH!

# Wheels on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode. #

Swim, Edi, swim!

Turn that off.

Turn it off!

Ah. That's better.

Please give her a prawn.

You could always get your toes sewn

I love my new bathroom.

Is this the shower I told you

That is a shower, a sauna,

Gives you a full wash and wax,

You need to be careful with the wax

That's the seeing-eye toilet.

In Bangkok, you can get one

TOILET FLUSHES

You moved, darling.

Darling, did I tell you it's got

Edi, look.

Only in LA, darling.

I was bleeding a little around

I might have to use you as a donor.

My arse on your face?

Darling, hurry up. We've got a lot

Who knows when that bitch troll

We've got to burn every day

I'm still doing my feet.

BUZZER

Light oak, antique pine...

What's that shiny one? Patent

What about this one? The Donatella

I think we want winter Donatella.

Against the wall, please.

Hard to tell how much a pasty white

Let's just say I narrowly avoided

Am I doing just the face?

With or without pants? With pants. I

Pants off.

Right. I'll need a bigger nozzle.

Any last words? Yes...

Oh, that's a good shade, Edi.

Edi, pants off.

Lift the belly up, dear,

Come on. Lift it, lift it. Now turn

Where's that daughter of yours?

We think so. Keep turning.

What was it she went to do? I try

Human shield! Just spray.

Are you going anywhere nice on your

It's customer service -

OK, you're done.

Told you it was the best.

You need to do something

What shape? It doesn't look as if

It's a whole pulley system.

I can't wear them any higher or

Anyway, I got a good, bum, ain't I?

I don't want a great big fat bum

How high are her heels to keep

Oh! It's such a mess in here still.

Book a cleaner! I booked a cleaner

I want to just go. You could go to

Who's running the shop? I am. I

The secret is - hire people

treat them like shit and sack them

Mmm, mmm... Would you like to see

Journalist and presenter, Katy Grin.

Thank you, Fern.

Oh, shit!

Katy, you've got this new book out

It's called My Iraq, but it's

You were sent to be embedded with

I'd just landed in Kuwait and was

on the bottom of my fatigues, which

in the caterpillar tracks

I was pulled under.

We've got that clip. If you have a

Good morning, Eamon.

As you can see... Argh!

Can you believe

She's stuck to my arse like an old

Oh, darling, it's just Baby Spice,

She left me. She said she despised

Oh, darling, don't talk about that.

We're going to give ourselves big

Every day since Saffy's been gone

Yeah, darling. Nothing's naughty

Nothing is a sin.

We eat of the forbidden fruit.

Every day is a pick and mix,

This is... Darling...

Don't you think the forbidden fruit

I think you need a soupcon of guilt

No, you're right, Edi.

Darling, you should be at work.

It's hard graft - 9 to 5, 24-7!

I could do something with you this

That's only half a day and this

We have no "mananas". Yes, we have

It's naughty... It's me time,

You deserve nothing.

It is forbidden...

to have breakfast

Would that be very naughty? It's

All right, let's go! Let's go!

We have to do something about the

Come on, Edi. I had four

There we are. That's good.

Arse pert, tits pert.

What's that? That's a Hummer.

Yeah, cancel. No, Bubble. I'm not

Cancel. Emma Bunton? Tell her I've

It was the answer phone.

SHE SIGHS WITH RELIEF

Can't hear what you're saying.

A little...

A little breakfast in Soho. Oh! Oh!

A sniff round Agent Provocateur.

I'll call Bubbles...

Just a quick call. No, no, no!

PHONE RINGS

Oh, that was yours. ..Hello.

Oh. I'll come now. ..Can you

Wait here.

Oh!

Would you like a Jelly Baby?

Right, I'm here, Bubble. Did you

Mm? ..Hi, Baby.

Not "Baby". Bye, Baby Bunton.

What? What? My name is Emma.

And I'm an alcoholic.

That's not funny. That's not funny.

Sorry, darling, Emma.

Did you meet Patsy? Patsy Stone?

She does everyone - Minnie Driver.

Stylist?

Oh, I'm too rich and famous

Will you be my stylist?

I thought we were having a meeting.

Your two dumb and dumbers

What? Downstairs. Clip-clop!

Edi, I won't be long. Come on.

Since when has your office been

It's called cocooning. I am my own

Everything is stored in me!

In your cheeks, by the look of it.

I'm multi-tasking by myself. Part

Could part of you get on with this?

B-B-B... Em...Bunton... Emma. Emma.

Emma, darling. Lots of new stuff

Bubble, read the list. Do you want

Celebrity Millionaire? Yes. No.

Celebrity Weakest Link? Yes. No.

Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Junk

Celebrity Or Die With Donna Air?

No, no, no, nothing with celebrity

Here's a good one.

I did six months in Chicago.

Did you?

The show, darling. Not the Windy

Do you want to go on holiday in a

I hope you haven't burnt

Do you know what I think, darling?

I have got a single out. Have you?

Yeah, we knew that.

Well, sing it, then.

SHE MOUTHS

# Bla-a-ay, bla-a-a-ay...

# Ba-a-a... #

Come on.

I can't. I can't. That's stupid.

Your trouble is, you're not giving

You're just flatlining

They want a bit of heartbeat.

They don't want to know your mum's

They want her to be some

They want the full cellulite shots,

They want you mainlining,

They want you filleted and splayed,

I mean, for once I would like

Look at this.

With this little thumb stuck up

No?

OK. I think all we've got left

Hold on. You were supposed to be

She's put you in for the Eurovision

And she's written the song.

I'm going to think of something

It's so good just to get away from

So, are you going to tell her?

Give Patsy a piece of... My mind.

In a... Rage.

She leaves everything to us

Not putting up with it.

And your chocolate idea. Oh, right.

What do you want to see me about?

Well, that was you, wasn't it?

No, you're the one in a funk. YOU

Well...

You were going to tell her

and if things didn't improve,

Talk to Jeremy?

I was having a very bad...

..period.

Brutus! Tell her

Right, well...near where

One whiff and our customers would

Jeremy's must remain a sterile

Aseptic!

And razor sharp

These women shop for lunch.

Their skeleton legs and Manolo

I understand. The uber-rich sinews

a credit card.

Keep it clean! No chocolate!

Genius.

Have I made myself perfectly clear?

And if you...

ever try anything

GROWLS: I will kill you!

I've got it, I've got it! Here we

SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE

Queen Nur.

Not her again! She tries

Who's Queen Nor?

All right.

Have you had a really bad tit job?

No, it's just these

So I can see how big

They're good. These babies get some

Especially,

I think it's pathetic. You've got

She's like a smoking beagle

Look at this place! It's... What?

It's a pad! I've seen downstairs.

Oh! When's Saffy back?

We went to school together and

Come on. Lighten up there,

On the pages of the days. What?

She comes. What is she saying?

Whe... Ask her when. When?

On the paper days, the paper days.

She's channelling you.

Why haven't you changed the date?

sun goes down.

Saffy's coming home today.

Oh!

O-o-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-rgh!

Hoover! Hoover!

Hoover! You have to turn it on,

SHE MOUTHS

Come on, guys. We haven't got long.

I don't understand where it goes.

You spray and wipe.

And you, you're not doing anything.

It's funny how you can lose things

We've got pens, Sellotape,

I'm going to try these pens

We've got quite a lot of money

Just chuck them in the bin.

Edi, this is money. You can't

Something from a Cornflake packet.

I was going to collect the whole

No. This striker's still good.

I tell you what we need - a piece

then lots of little drawers to put

Yeah. We're going to have to

To get someone...

We can't go on until we've got new

I found Poppet! That's my Poppet.

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

SHUT UP!

Will everyone get the place sorted?

And do you think, just for once...

Oooh!

Oh, yeah, little change of image

Little flip-flop there.

From Girl Power to buckle under,

You lot!

You think you're so cool

You and your little

New Puritans, that's what you are.

In my day, people were real rebels

You're looking at someone

While it was still on.

Not you. Now it's all,

From zigazig ah to house-proud

If you think I'm gonna take

off a sweaty over-eater

the colour

..then you have got

Are we keeping old corks?

DOORBELL BUZZES

Stay back. Sit, you sit.

Who's that stranger? Is it Odysseus

Recognised only by his old,

Hello, Gran. How are you?

How are you? Really well.

Mum! It's all changed, hasn't it,

Everything is here. We don't need

But wait till you see upstairs.

Sit down. What's happened upstairs?

Nothing's happened upstairs. Have

Were you a shield? No,

Oh, she was humanitarian.

See you later. Nice to see some old

Patsy darling's rusted in,

Have a look in that drawer...

Well, don't everyone go, come on.

There's a lap pool in her bedroom

I think I'll be going too, dear.

I can tell something's brewing.

No.

Oh, goodness, gracious me!

Hello, darling.

Look at you, sweetheart,

We've got a little tan, haven't we?

You've brown hands too, sweetheart.

Almost to the elbow.

Nice to have you home, darling.

I'll get you a drink, sweetheart.

Yes, one of you drunk, naked

Listen, sweetheart, pop, cheers,

I don't care about it. Since your

I can't use that one at the spa.

It's become a sort of smoothie

There's something I want to talk

You haven't even noticed I've

I've touched and rubbed polish here

Tired? We're all tired, darling.

We're all tired,

But I haven't got that attitude.

I'll just put them in here.

Oh, yeah, looking at me in that way

You're looking at what I'm wearing.

I am not thinking that, Mum.

Actually, darling, you're looking

Do I detect a slight thickening,

You are turning into me.

The sausage shape that comes

This is self-induced indignation.

fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat.

That word that has haunted me all

I'm not the only bloater round here

I know I might eat and drink

How did you get so fat

I'm pregnant.

# Wheels on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Just notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode... #

Pregnant?

Yes.

Darling.

What do you think?

Darling, you should tell people