Original subtitles

[female therapist] Why don't we start from the beginning?

[both moaning]

[Florence] Okay, I guess it all began

the moment I realized I had...

[screams]

...my mother's legs.

- [male announcer] This Friday... - [gasping]

one of the 34 producers

- ofHereditary... - [screams]

...presents a metaphor so frightening,

we're not even sure what it means.

[ominous tone]

[man] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

You got a permit for those veins?

[laughs]

Hmm?

[gun clicks]

[screams]

Do you think you're afraid of aging?

[squelching]

[male announcer] This weekend...

- Huh. - ...you can run,

but she... really... shouldn't.

I think it's smart. Or is it stupid?

Either way, we gotta see it.

[theme music playing]

Could I please see My Mother's Legs?

Oh, I knew I breastfed you too long.

No, it's a new horror movie.

Oh, hon, you can't see a scary movie.

You slept in my bed for a week after you saw

that black-and-white Cymbalta commercial.

[grunts]

Something wrong with your chair?

No!

There's something wrong with you!

You don't let me do anything I want.

So, I... I don't care for you.

Oh, that's it!

Your father is going to give you a talking to.

If I can reach him. And if he's conscious.

What is this?

Does your mom want me to give you the sex talk?

Isn't that Pornhub's job?

She won't let me see a scary movie.

And you won't let me sit in the front seat.

It's so annoying! Ugh!

Hey! Quit having a tantrum! Will you grow up?

You two won't let me.

I wish I was an adult. I hate being a kid.

[tires screeching]

Are you kidding?

Chilhood is carefree, no consequences.

But not adulthood.

Did you know my cardiologist

is forcing me to wear a step tracker now?

Not for health reasons,

but so he has a paper trail when I die prematurely

and my beneficiaries try to sue him.

- You vulture. - [scoffs]

You don't believe me, do you? Fine.

I'll show you how hard it is being a mediocre adult.

This is your best example?

Hey! Kids in the kiddie corner.

[scoffs] Always treating me like a kid.

Kids, huh?

They don't know how easy they got it.

Or do they?

Whoa! Return to sender!

You just offended the wrong magical hag.

Perhaps it's time you learned a lesson in empathy by...

walking a mile in someone else's shoes.

[thunder claps]

The next hand you shake will be the body you take.

Enjoy your curse!

Curse? Are you kidding?

I can't wait to choose what body I switch with.

I could have boobs or be an eagle.

Or an eagle with boobs! Thanks, old hag.

Maybe ugly people do have something to offer.

Dad, wait!

Where are you, Sydney Sweeneagle?

Dad, please, can I see the movie?

I can handle it.

[voice slows, deepens] I'm a big boy now.

[deep rumbling, car alarms blaring]

[birds squawking]

I have ba-ack problems!

[Harmony] But, Mom,

I've never heard Stan talk to me like that.

[growls]

I'm not eating my son.

That can't be the answer to every problem I have.

[soft growl]

[sighs] You're right.

Maybe it's time I put my foot down.

Thanks. Enjoy your dinner.

[growls]

- [chuckles] Oh, Mom. - [phone clicks, beeps]

[gulps]

[snoring]

Wake up, Barbra Strei-Stan.

[screaming]

Stop screaming, Mr. Flesh.

My head hurts worse than it did

afterLady Bird didn't pick up a single Oscar.

Stan? Is that you?

Of course it's me. Why?

[screaming]

- [hyperventilating] - It's okay.

You're safe now.

[grunts] Ew!

Are you okay?

[gasps] He's gonna figure you out.

Quick! Act like an adult.

Uh, Roth Ira.

Yes, I love Roth... and Ira... in the morning.

Fun radio show.

The best! Bye!

Whew! That was some quick thinking.

Huggies Pre-Teens?

This is Stan's stupid body!

Dad, it's me in your amazing body!

Oh!

Mary J. Blige!

We must have switched when you grabbed my hand.

We gotta find the hag who did this to us.

What did you do to my underchin? It's all swollen and bloated.

All I did was use the bathroom. Nine times.

Is there a knob to adjust urine pressure?

The velocity scares me.

Okay, no more Mr. Nice Mom. Time for--

What are you doing here?

Uh, uh...

My handsome, strong-streamed dad

just came to take me out for a father-son day.

No, it's a school day.

Uh, maybe we should listen to Mom.

Did you just take my side? What's your angle?

Another loan?

No, you still haven't paid me back for the crypto

you swore would pay for Stan's college.

It's not like it was Hawk Tuah Coin.

It was Hawk Three-ah.

Who wouldn't invest in that kind of wordplay?

In Dad's defense.

Just get ready and meet me in the car.

Great. Now we have to wait

until tonight to find the hag,

and I'll have to spend the day... at school?

Ha! This'll be like a vacation but free.

Except my taxes pay for your school.

[groans] I hate being an adult. But wait! I'm a kid!

[chuckles]

And I'll be at your job doing whatever I want.

This is gonna be awesome. For me.

You're gonna be miserable once you see

how tough my school is.

Well, good luck relaxing in a room full of detectives.

Those guys are professional tattletales

who spend their days sniffing out the truth.

But you better not crack,

because I don't want you ruining my vacation.

In fact, give me my phone.

- [phone chimes] - What are you doing?

I'm documenting the condition of the loaner vehicle

because I know you're gonna mess it up.

Let's see. Scuff on the right shoe.

Bum knee. Razor wire tramp stamp.

Train tracks from wearing my belt too tight.

Fly down. Innie belly button,

and I want it to stay that way.

I'll send you a copy for your records. Now get!

Damn. Forgot to ask if he wanted Sirius.

[sighs] First up, ditching these.

Ah! Everything's gone! Help!

Ooh, I gotcha, Stan.

Ah, there's the world! Huh.

Honestly, I thought these were props.

I'll have what he's having. Medication-wise.

No meds here, except some "do whatever the Vitamin F I want."

[laughs] Wait! Let's do a prank.

When I was young, like today,

I always wanted to pull The Office Depoo.

You drop a number two in your teacher's desk.

And I ain't talkin' pencils.

How is that a prank?

Because the desk was empty,

and then you fill it with--

You know what? You're a terrible hang.

Your dad was right. They're gonna read you faster

than you read all the Percy Jacksons.

So figure out what to do and fit in

like a kid who hasn't read all the Percy Jacksons.

Good morning, sluts.

That's how I talk. I'm rude.

Um, I thought we could talk about

what we're all doing today.

I know we all know what that is,

but let's say it out loud together, for fun.

Thought I would update my firmware.

I'm hoping this version is the one

Wynona finally finds dateable.

I've decided this is the century I learn how to do a cartwheel.

And I'm filling out the forms to see if I'm eligible

for theMaterialistssurgery.

Then I'll be tall enough to ride The Viper.

Wow! Your dad really exaggerated

the microscope you'd be under.

But we shouldn't be surprised,

given the way he oversoldGooniesto us.

They're too busy to notice me.

Should we notice you?

Me? No, nothing to notice here.

Good breakfast, good breakfast, good breakfast, good breakfast.

No notes. We got this.

[bell ringing]

[straining grunts]

Ah, Stan! Tardy to Student Council.

A rare offense.

But let it be known, bureaucracy waits for no one!

Except the treasurer,

for she has the key to the snack cabinet.

Mmm! Mm-hmm.

The first item of business is a fundraiser

to clean the lead out of the drinking fountain water.

President Stan, the floor is yours.

President, huh?

[chuckles] Nerd alert. Okay.

Classic lead in the water situation.

How about six words?

Brita. Filter. Fountains. Meeting. Adjourned. Bye-ee!

How does that do anything?

Uh, how did the ice bucket challenge do anything?

If it was up to you, everyone would have ALS.

Meeting over! Everybody out!

I need to do some... grunt work.

Uh, I can do that grunt work for you, Mr. President.

[extended bleep]

I knew being an adult would be easy.

It's mostly asking people

how their weekend was or is going to be.

You can probably go either way on Wednesday.

Plus all the fun stuff we can do now.

Own a flamethrower.

Get an STD on a beach-based reality dating show.

Serve on a jury. Or be tried as an adult!

Tried as an adult? That's it!

Hey, chums.

You know how we're all adults over 18?

What if we took advantage of that

and we went to see My Mother's Legs?

Can we go? Please? Pretty please?

Ple-e-e-e-e-ase? Pretty please?

Pl-Pl-Pl-Please? Please, please, please?

Okay, we'll go. Just stop doing... that.

Whoo-hoo! [laughing]

Whoop-whoop!

Can someone else be the one to say,

"What the hell is wrong with Flute?"

Isn't it obvious?

You said he was acting odd this morning.

Now he's acting odd again.

Two odds make an even. Even Stephen.

Stephen is the druggiest of the Baldwin brothers.

Flute... is on drugs.

[laughing enthusiastically]

[Martinez] What drug do you think he's on?

[Wynona] Probably meth.

It's trending again, like tiny purses.

Nah, Flute's old school. Has to be coke.

Well, you know what this means.

We gotta take bets. I got weed.

[laughing]

Ugh. You got any high-fiber options?

[grunts]

Stan, you need to renew your line leader license.

Stan, don't forget your shift today

at the school confessional.

And I'm a student priest? Aren't there child labor laws?

That's what we're fighting for in the Child Labor Law Club,

which needs you to stay late today.

[bell ringing]

[alarm blares, bell ringing]

[sighs]

Stan, there you are!

[walkie beeps] Everyone, I found the Fire Czar,

and he's gonna lead us to safety!

Sorry. Wrong hat.

You excited to see this? I am.

When I saw the trailer, it was really cool and it was really...

Well, based on all that chattering,

it seems Flute's taken the white bus

out of Snort Authority to ski down the powdery snow

of old Booger Sugar Mountain, nose first.

I'm saying he's on cocaine.

Please. Look at all the munchies he's bought.

He's higher than a bar stool.

Some people find those very high.

We did it.

Time for our rarely used victory handshake.

[laughs]

"Meth-thinks" that money is mine.

Wait. Is he shooting up?

This way, I can't cover my eyes during the scary parts.

[retching] Sorry! I can't do this.

I had too many gummies and way too much Coke

and all the other bad stuff I'm not allowed to have!

You guys, Flute's not on one drug.

He's on all of them!

[bell ringing]

Time to pinch this off my bucket list.

[grunting]

Imagine you're ten minutes into a six-hour drive

and you had every chance to go before we left,

but no!

Talking to your imaginary friend?

Pentos!

You scared everything but the crap out of me.

What are you doing?

Asks the bare-bottom boy

crouched over my knicknack drawer.

[grunts] I was trying to do

The Office Depoo, patent pending.

But I've been so slammed with school stuff,

I didn't have time to eat,

which is a pretty im-poo-tant part of the op-poo-ration.

And the worst part? I'm losing faith.

In this prank, in myself, in the puns.

Is it even funny? Are you laughing?

I'm not!

And now, I'm gonna get poo-nished.

[whispers] Why can't I stop?

Well, this is your first demerit,

and you seem to have learned some kind of lesson or whatever.

I will not punish you, but I must call your mother.

Ohh, the-thing-I-can't-do-right-now.

My parents were right. I'm no big boy.

Bright side.

Theatrical box office is down 50% since '02,

so only half the people saw you run out crying like a baby.

Permission to sit awkwardly

on the edge of your desk? [grunts]

We know what's going on.

How long have you known?

Since this morning. The movie just confirmed it.

But I got a surprise for you.

A surprise?

Either we get you back to the man you used to be,

or we forcibly send you somewhere that can.

It's okay.

We knew you'd be institutionalized one day.

That's why we keistered those lockpicking tools.

Damn!

They're in your other body. We're screwed.

Flute, as a cyborg, there are few things that can hurt me:

North Korean malware, electromagnetic pulses,

a Brillo Pad, and after today,

I'm adding "watching you suffer."

I pray that you can turn it around,

or at least turn it into an Emmy-winning stand-up special

like John Mulaney.

[sobbing] He's so precise!

As your imaginary counsel, I advise you to stay cool,

keep quiet, and take any one of these pills.

Except the green ones.

[exclaims in gibberish]

Usually I'm the first in line to see you suffer,

but you are not yourself.

Hold the line. There's no way they can know.

This precinct needs you,

but you seem like a completely different person.

Like you're wearing somebody else's skin

and doing things you'd never do.

Your dad was right.

They know everything. Abandon ship!

You're right. I'm not who you think I am.

I'm a little boy trapped in a big boy body.

I want my mommy! [sobs]

[Summers] Mmm.

[beeping, chimes]

I tested Flute's hair.

No drugs! He's clean!

Eh, though his liver is failing.

Well, that's just from his drinking.

Yeah, and no need for an intervention there,

because if we gave him one for that,

then we all need one for our gambling addiction.

But we don't,

because alcohol and gambling are both legal!

[all cheering]

[grunts] I can't do it when people are watching.

[Harmony] Talking back. Pulling the fire alarm.

Pooping in a teacher's desk?

Oh, you really are your father's child.

Please, woman. I just sat down.

That's it! I've had enough!

I didn't want to be my mother, but you leave me no choice.

I have to spank you.

Finally! Something good!

Let's do this.

I've been a very bad boy.

And bad boys need to be-- oh!

Okay! This is not-- not good!

This isn't how I like it!

I hope you've learned your lesson.

Yeah, I've learned you've ruined spankings for me.

Oh, Flute, I hurt our son!

I wanted to help, but maybe I'm just a bad mom.

No, you're a great mom who was trying to protect her son.

And if he had just listened to you in the first place,

none of this stupid day would've happened.

Do you really think I was right?

I've always thought you were right.

I don't know if it's the popcorn on your breath

or the way you said I was right--

No, well, it was definitely the way you said I was right.

But I feel like I owe you a favor now.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Boy, could you ever. My tummy hurts.

Aww. Does someone need a tummy rub?

Ahh, that's nice.

- It was a really hard day. - How hard?

Really har-- Uh!

No! No sex! I have to see my son!

So, how's it been going being a kid?

Good. Easy.

Living the dream. You?

No, yeah, same, same. So easy.

Oh, I lied. Today was very disturbing.

You're telling me!

I'm gonna have to get a new kink.

We gotta go to the bar and switch back.

You drive. I can't figure out reverse.

[indistinct chatter]

- Ah! - Way too pretty.

Flute, your usual.

[gulps] Ah!

We just need to find that old hag.

Well, that's gonna be hard.

All these grown ladies are stunning.

I got this.

Attention, alcoholics!

We're looking for an ugly woman!

Ooh, I'm your huckleberry.

Ew! But maybe later.

Is tonight Hag Queen Bingo?

CueDreamweaver.

That's her! Turn us back!

I'm not changing you back.

You haven't learned your lesson!

Ah!

[both gasp]

She came out of nowhere!

[groans]

She's dead,

which means we'll never be able to switch back.

[crying, frustrated grunts]

I forgot how good a tantrum feels.

It's like booze through movement.

But I can't live your life. I'm not a big boy.

I don't know how you do it.

They were all staring at me. [hyperventilating]

Hey, shh. It's okay.

People should be staring at you.

Because you're amazing.

I lived your life today, and you do so, so much,

all without a single working eyeball.

You are a big boy.

A responsible big boy, and that's the best kind.

Outside of WWE Big Boys, but let's not get into that.

From now on, you sit in the front seat.

Not just because you're gonna have to drive now,

but you're ready.

[watch beeping]

It says, "New record: 2,000 steps."

Or one mile,

which means you have walked a mile

in someone else's shoes.

Lesson learned, thanks to me!

Oh, sorry! I'm the hag.

Was the hag.

I switched bodies with the bus driver

when we touched hands.

And now that you've learned your lesson about empathy,

I'm ready to switch you back.

Hell yeah! Let's do this!

What's gonna happen to the bus driver?

Uh... don't worry about it.

Anyway, how do your feet feel after all of that?

But is he, like, dead now?

Uh, I mean, yes.

But... [laughs] I mean, that's not important.

What is important is... may I see your feet?

Wait. Is this just a foot fetish?

No, sicko!

My fetish is teaching people lessons

while making them walk in other people's shoes,

which, yes, requires feet,

but is also about the shoes, and them not being yours.

Ohh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

How is that?

Because I'm in the market for a new kink.

Oh, it's actually a pretty active community.

You know what, I'm gonna change you back

because it's weird talking about this with a 12-year-old.

[chimes shimmering]

[snoring]

Thank God.

Depends, mustache, heart palpitations.

I'm back, baby!

I'll drink to that.

Vitamin F my Vitamin L.

Being an adult sucks!

Good night, Mom. I love you.

Aww, Stan. I love you too.

You know, you're a really good mom.

Just thought you should know that... for no real reason.

Aww, thank you, hun-bun.

But if you wanted to be better,

maybe you might wanna look up how to do a tummy rub,

in case you're confused about that.

I-- Yeah. Sure.

[music playing on TV]

[female child] But, Mom, now I'm in your body!

[woman] Just make sure not to kiss your dad.

That would be crazy, but funny, right?

Oh, my God! Flute and Stan body-swapped!

[retching] This isn't family friendly!

Freaky Fridayis a horror film! [retching]