Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

Dear AI, what's a good reason for a man to miss four days of work

while also coming off as some kind of hero?

Example, getting hit by a cruise ship while saving a drowning baby.

But not that because I've used that twice.

Dad, guess who won first prize in the statewide essay-grading contest?

Some lonely dweeb?

No, me.

I found the most run-on sentences in the history of the competition.

I've run out of inside rewards for Lisa,

so I said she could pick our next family outing.

There's so many good places to choose from:

the organic farm where you pick your own cilantro...

- Uh-huh. - ...the Jason Procnow Miniaturarium...

- Hmm! Yeah. - ...Hamster Hospice.

- Turnstile Factory, Mouse Pad Experience... - Hmm. Oh.

- Museum of Museums. - Oh, maybe.

- Build-a-Font Workshop... - Yeah.

- ...Rice Grain Sculpture Garden. - Okay.

- Cork Depository, Typewriter Graveyard... - [grunts]

- ...the Human Ant Farm. - [whines]

Haunted Hanukkah Hayride,

World's Most Accurate Calendar, Arithmetic Hall of Fame.

What about Krustyland?

Krustyland? We've been there a million times.

Yeah, and every time was awesome.

Even when Dad broke his hand punching Ulysses S. Grant

in the Hall of Presidents.

He started it.

[chuckles] We did have fun together back when we were little

before I turned into me

and you turned into you.

Remember what we called ourselves?

Aw. The Super Explorers.

I'd almost forgotten that.

I didn't.

[Lisa, Bart] Yay!

Super Explorers!

The Regurgitator? Colonic Boom?

Trader Joe's Rocking Barf-a-coaster?

Oh, all these rides make me nauseous now.

To help with the nauseousness,

I brought motion sickness pills,

a thermos full of ginger ale and barf bags.

I already threw up in the car.

Say, why don't you lovable old-timers take the day off

and let the Super Explorers go off on our own?

You two can check out

the grown-ups' section of the park where they serve alcohol.

An alcohol-themed cocktail bar. Can you imagine?

Okay, kids, you're on your own, but check in every hour.

- We will! - Love you!

[Bart] The Burj Krustifa.

I've been on this thing dozens of times.

The best part is when all your organs go into your neck.

I can do this. [laughs nervously]

- [click] - [riders screaming]

[Krusty] Get off my ride!

[groaning]

[Bart hums]

This ride isn't worth the stress,

but there's something else here I think you'll love.

Are we allowed back here?

Whoa!

[both] The Kosmic Kruiser Hotel!

We stand before the most expensive,

most embarrassing failure in theme park history.

[both] What were they thinking?

Thanks for making this year's Krusty-Kon our best one yet.

It's such a blast

hanging out with adult fans of shows and toys aimed at children.

- [cheering] - This is normal!

Never mature!

Now our CEO of theme parks, ice shows and collectible popcorn buckets,

Don Jeffries,

is here to make one more very secret, extra special announcement.

Special announcements! The elixir of life!

The Krustyland that you know is about to change forever.

Introducing the most immersive,

revolutionary feat of Krusti-gineering ever,

the Kosmic Kruiser Hotel!

[cheers and applause]

Just imagine spending two nights on board a galactic star cruiser,

role-playing a sci-fi adventure that's unique to you

with beloved characters from the Itchy and Scratchy universe.

That's great, CEO Don Jeffries.

I know I'm tired of relaxing on my vacations.

Give me stuff I'm forced to do.

The galaxy is at war.

Will you bring order

as a member of Control and Tyranny?

Or side with the rebels

of Mice Opposed to Unfair Space Empires?

The choice is yours!

Oh, and one more thing.

Take us to hyperspace, Timmy!

- [cheering] - Oh, I think he's going to punch it!

Punch it!

[whooshing sound]

- [screaming, whooping] - He punched it! Hyperspace!

Get those expectations up sky-high, gang,

because the grand opening is one year from today!

What's up, Courtney fam?

It's Courtney from Courtney Takes Off Her Makeup and Hums.

I am so excited to be paid to act excited

here at the opening of the new Kosmic Kruiser Hotel.

Whoo!

[humming]

Hey, CEO Don Jeffries, this place is so immersive.

How did you pull off this level of immersion?

The key was immersive ability. How did we do?

Amazing. I feel like I'm here.

Now, say hello to the world's only robotic cruise director, KIT-10.

Meow-za!

Can I get you a fresh towel for your room? [laughs]

[coughing]

Oh, and one more thing.

Punch it! [grunts]

[machine sputters, powers down]

Can people reserve their rooms right now?

They sure can. The basic two-night

all-inclusive-except-alcohol-and-water package starts at just $5,000.

5,000 bucks for two nights in a windowless nerd prison?

No one's gonna pay that.

The Kosmic Kruiser Hotel has closed its doors

due to legions of wildly unenthusiastic fans.

Krustyland calls the move temporary

as the attraction is "retooled" to make it better than ever.

But try telling that to CEO Don Jeffries,

who leaves with the smallest corporate severance package

in modern business history,

$110 million.

[chuckles] Good luck, Don.

[grunts]

How cool would it be to sneak inside?

Right? I would totally love to go in there.

Oh, I can't believe the gate's locked.

[metal rattles]

Aw, crap.

As Super Explorers, we're obligated to super-explore.

You signed the pledge.

I was two. I would sign anything when I was two.

I don't remember any Itchy and Scratchy cartoons where they fought a space war.

[Bart] They built out the lore from a space-themed word search

on the back of a box of Krusty-O's.

Okay, we saw it. Can we leave?

What are you so scared of?

Oh, I don't know. Wandering around in a creepy, abandoned hotel.

Have you seen The Shining?

No. Have you?

No, but I'm pretty sure there's a mean hotel in it.

Just stay for ten minutes

and we'll have the best recess story since Nelson kissed the school nurse.

Okay, ten minutes.

You're right. There's nobody here.

Except for us.

[both scream]

Unexpected guests.

Let the show begin.

[both scream]

Welcome aboard the Kosmic Kruiser.

Sideshow Mel?

Side-what Whom?

There is no one here by that name.

Just I, Captain Ragamuffin Tigaro.

I think these are the actors from the hotel.

Hotel?

By the moons of Purrgamore, this space traveler is confused.

After teleporting aboard,

many passengers do experience warp delirium.

Mr. Van Houten?

No, no, no! You shut up!

Uh, I don't use my human name here. I'm "in character."

That's actor talk for "pretending to be not Kirk."

But why? The hotel's closed.

Yeah, just temporarily for-for retooling.

The company said we're going to reopen real soon.

Don't you see what's going on?

These dweebs spent so much time rehearsing these roles,

they can't walk away,

which means we can experience thousands of dollars' worth of cringe for free.

Private Simpson, sir, new CAT recruit reporting for duty.

Ah! Welcome aboard, soldier.

This is First Officer Puffykins Starclaw

and Lieutenant Commander Chuck Meowski.

Real talk: don't step out of line, new guy,

and you and me'll be Gucci.

His backstory is he's from New York. Wish I'd thought of that.

And what about you?

What is your home planet and galactic political affiliation?

Oh, no, no, thank you. No, I'm-I'm not participating.

Come on, Lis, you love role-play.

Uh, no, I don't.

Really? You seem like the type. Come on, give it a shot.

Um, okay.

My name is Loriana... Nebula?

Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. [chuckles]

I am the junior senator from Planet Valedictoria.

I have a black belt in laser-jitsu

despite my noble birth.

Also, I raise hyper-pigs,

and I secretly worry that my evil stepmother, Queen Calico,

plots my demise.

An honor to meet such a well-thought-out character.

Install the Kosmic Kruiser app onto their communication devices.

Um, the app's still got a few bugs.

Why am I suddenly getting tons of ads for insurance?

Don't click on those!

- Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! - [groaning]

- How did they... Oh. - Where am I supposed to put my... Oof.

You young catlings are lucky.

You get to see the number one singing star in the galaxy, Qu'ee-tar.

[♪ electronic music playing]

Oh, no.

♪ I'm a space sensation ♪

♪ Galactic phenomenon ♪

♪ Music is the mission ♪

♪ Destination: fascination ♪

♪ Just what is this instrument? Very futuristic ♪

I like how future music sounds like terrible today music.

Do you have anything to eat other than hyperdrive pretzels?

Not at all, but we do have plenty of trans-dimensional cheese dip

for the pretzels.

Isn't cheese more of a Mouse food?

How could you possibly know that, unless you were a Mouse sympathizer?

I admit everything.

My character is secretly in league with the mice.

That's my storyline.

Damn, I'm good at this.

Take this rebel to the brig.

[loudly] You won't be quite so brave after a few light-years in prison.

[lowered voice] Don't worry, there is no prison. I am only acting.

[loudly] Don't make trouble, spy! [lowered voice] Still acting.

[loudly] For real! [lowered voice] For pretend.

Okay, dropping character.

My parents want Bart and me to check in every hour,

- but my phone isn't working. - No, that's our app.

It screws up texting and calling

and it writes swear words on your vacation photos.

I hope they're not worried about us.

[♪ tropical music playing]

[birds] ♪ We all love to dance and sing ♪

♪ We kick our feet and we flap our wings ♪

♪ We jump and spin with such delight ♪

♪ Watch our eyes move left and right ♪

[music ends]

Here's to a day with no rides.

Aren't we not supposed to drink alcohol after taking motion sickness medicine?

- I think I heard that, yes. - Yeah.

Looking for Mouse rebels?

No, I'm looking for...

Toilet paper?

[groans] We've been out for months.

Actually, isn't there supposed to be

a wisecracking robot cruise director on board?

You mean KIT-10?

He's either running a trivia contest in the Litter Box Lounge

or he's stuck in the day spa's revolving door again.

The spa! Pfft. Of course. I'm gonna go look for him.

Don't forget your primary mission:

finding hidden QR stickers and scanning them for promo codes.

Dust Bart away!

Greetings, fellow passenger. What galaxy are you from?

Uh, Oklahoma State.

Yeah, uh, these guys aren't part of the Kosmic Kruiser immersive experience.

They... They work in the park.

We're college students who got summer jobs at Krustyland.

The pay is so garbage we can't afford rent.

We're forced to squat in this abandoned hotel.

Retooling hotel.

Can't your parents come get you?

They told our parents we're dead!

[college students] Save us, save us, save us!

Where the hell are you, KIT-10? [grunts]

[pants] I wanna leave. This place is creeping me out.

We can't leave, not yet.

Please, this was supposed to be my special day.

I hear you. You've been heard.

Now shut up and help me search the kitchen.

What are you looking for? Why can't we just leave?

It occurred to me just now that KIT-10 is somewhere in this hotel,

and if we found it,

a one-of-a-kind collectible like that could be worth a lot of money?

KIT-10? That stupid robot?

Even if you find it, they're not gonna let you just carry it out of here.

Think!

I did think.

I brought my pillowcase to smuggle him out.

See?

Oops.

You never wanted to come to Krustyland to spend time with me.

You just wanted to sneak in here and steal that dumb valuable robot.

No, I didn't.

How could I have known the hotel gate would be unlocked?

[clang]

Bolt cutters. You cut that padlock!

All that stuff you said about missing being a Super Explorer with me

was all just a big fat lie.

You ruined the one good memory I have with you.

I will never, ever believe you care about me again.

Our ship is under attack!

The hull has been breached! Space is pouring in!

Not now, Mel!

Space battles wait for no man.

The next one won't happen until exactly this time tomorrow.

Prepare the ship for hyperspace!

I'm not playing anymore!

This stupid hotel is the fakest, worst pretend "immersion"

I've ever seen.

No one could ever convince themselves this is real.

Punch it!

- [loud rumbling] - [Lisa gasps]

- [Bart] Huh? - [Lisa] Ooh.

This is a hotel, not a spaceship.

How is it blasting off?

It's not possible. No way.

Yes way!

Yes way to the stars!

Dropping character. We're all going to die!

[all grunting, groaning]

Okay, you win. I'm immersed!

How is this spaceship hotel actually flying?

It's not a real spaceship!

I'm gonna text Mom and Dad.

Hey, that's a great price on bundling my home and auto.

[both] Don't click on that!

Oh, the kids haven't checked in all day. Something's wrong.

Think. What's the worst place they could possibly be?

[gasps] They're at the gift shop with one of our credit cards!

Of course. Let's go.

- What's going on? - We're flyin' over here!

Fellow thespians, don't panic!

Remember, the hotel was closed for retooling.

This super realistic flying special effect must be the retooling.

- Yay! - [all cheer]

[chanting] Working actors! Working actors!

[hissing]

You fools. You wonderful fools.

We are flying to our doom.

Disgraced former Krusty Co. CEO Don Jeffries!

That's right, children.

And now I haunt the hallways of this, my greatest failure.

[metal rattles]

How in the hell is this hotel really flying?

Think about it.

When a corporation makes a giant mistake,

what is their only reasonable course of action?

Refund customers' money to slowly regain their trust.

No way! Destroy the evidence and pretend the whole thing never happened.

Which is why Krusty is doing exactly what I would have done in his place:

airlift this hotel by helicopter and drop it in the ocean.

But our deaths won't be in vain, because as we plunge to the ocean floor,

this sad failure will transform-- through the magic of accounting--

into the greatest tax write-off in corporate history!

[Don laughing maniacally]

So we're not retooling?

Oh, not at all. We're drowning.

We have to find a way to signal to the helicopters

that there are people in here.

She's right. We need to generate ideas.

And what's the most powerful tool in our acting toolbox?

[actors] Improv!

Ensemble, form a fantastical thinking machine!

[actors imitating machinery sounds]

It's working!

Okay. We need to find a way up to the roof.

[robotic voice] I can direct you to that location.

[both] KIT-10!

Meow-za!

- [door creaks] - [wind whistling]

Okay, KIT-10, climb that ladder to the roof

and use your birthday party confetti cannon

to signal the helicopters.

I will do so.

We can stay in contact through the Kosmic Kruiser app,

which I recently downloaded to my CPU.

[electricity crackles]

Hey, that's a great rate on bundling home and auto.

Don't click on that!

[explosion]

KIT-10! No!

[KIT-10] Goodbye! [laughs]

Oh, meow-za, old friend.

Okay, Bart, it's up to you.

I can't. I'm scared of heights.

What? You said you've been on the Burj Krustifa ride a dozen times.

Nope, not once. I lied.

I love lying. It's more thrilling than any ride.

Well, can't fix that problem right now.

What problem?

Look, I think I can do it, if you'll do it with me.

I can't. I can't. I'm too scared.

[Bart] ♪ Super Explorers, brave and smart ♪

♪ Super Explorers Lisa and Bart ♪

♪ We're not afraid of scary stuff Scary stuff's afraid of us ♪

That was our song. You remembered.

[both] ♪ Super Explorers, brave and smart ♪

♪ Super Explorers Lisa and Bart ♪

- [Lisa] Help! Help us! Help! - Help! Help us! Down here!

Hey, there's children down there!

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

I guess we gotta turn all these helicopters around

and never get that giant tax write-off.

- Or... - There's no "or," sir.

Yeah, you're right.

But you know, kids are naturally very buoyant.

I read that they...

Yeah, you're right.

My write-off!

My beautiful, beautiful write-off! [sobbing]

♪ We're not afraid of scary stuff Scary stuff's afraid of us ♪

So did you two have fun on your own today?

I tells ya, the day just flew by.

Indeed, it was very uplifting.

[both laugh]

Why are they laughing? What was funny about that?

Who cares? Now, what section did we park our car in?

Mr. Teeny 5.

Okay. Mr. Teeny 3, Mr. Teeny 4,

giant sideways building.

[car alarm chirps]

Oh, man, I parked under the hotel.

[♪ electronic music playing]

♪ Initiate emotion ♪

♪ Fire the desire ray ♪

♪ Temptation constellations ♪

♪ Love is a tractor beam ♪

♪ Supernova fantasy Fall into my gravity ♪

♪ Dancing in the party sector Moving to the quantum rhythm ♪

♪ Space is where we work it more A trillion species on the dance floor ♪

♪ Everyone looks sort of human Wearing face paint and prosthetics ♪

♪ Tentacles and forehead ridges Blue and green and pink and purple ♪

[echoing] ♪ Space, space, space ♪

Shh!