Original subtitles

SERLING: Tonight's stars:

Pat Boone, Kim Stanley,

Leif Ericson, Robert Morris,

Rudy Vallee, Patrick O'Neal and Wally Cox.

Good evening.

We welcome you to this palladium of art treasures

that range from the kooky to the uncommon,

from the bestial to the bizarre.

And I'd like to take you on a guided tour through the Night Gallery,

a collection of paintings on display for only the most discriminating.

Because it's best that they be seen both after and in the dark.

The story behind this offering,

a word which we've coined just for the occasion.

"Arachnidphobia."

It means, for our purposes, a special distaste for those crawly little beasties

with the multi-legged hairy bodies.

In other words, a fear of spiders,

the title of our first painting in this, the Night Gallery.

"We liked the curtains tossed back with a rose,

"the sole bonne femme in the room."

It's not bad.

Yeah, that captures it, I think. Not bad at all.

Elizabeth, I am working!

Now, when I deliberately refuse to answer the telephone,

to even the most insensitive, that would be a blunt clue

to my desperate need for undisturbed solitude!

Elizabeth!

Must I hire a security guard or an answering service,

or what will it take to get my message through to you?

I choose not to be disturbed.

Do you understand?

Justus, please, just let me in for just one moment.

Please, just for...

A moment.

Justus, do you understand what you are doing to me?

Do you know that I can't eat? I can't sleep.

You're destroying me piecemeal.

Why don't you answer me?

What's destroying you, my dear, is your proximity to smarmy 19th-century novels.

Now, you've obviously availed yourself of all the treacly literary syrup,

from Henry James to Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Why are you so cruel?

I'm not cruel, Elizabeth. I am refreshingly blunt.

Can you get it through that tremulous, fluttering brain of yours

that I have no interest in continuing a relationship with you?

I asked you out for dinner a few times because you live above me,

and it seemed congenial and neighborly.

But these persistent nocturnal calls

and that perpetual petulance oozing from those red-rimmed eyes, Elizabeth,

that is depressing, abhorrent, and frankly, it must stop!

Now, good night, Elizabeth.

I have three columns to write, and an article, and I'm desperately behind.

Justus, what are you doing? Are you saying goodbye to me?

I am not proposing a simple wedding at the Church of Flowers.

Goodbye, Elizabeth.

Now take a pill, count sheep or fix yourself a club sandwich.

Justus?

Justus, please, I just want to say one more thing to you.

Would that were so.

Oh, I dearly pray

that someday,

someday,

you will need someone.

You'll be helpless and need someone, and love and affection.

I hope so.

Goodbye, Justus.

Help me.

You were complaining about your thermostat, Mr. Walters.

Too late to look at it now?

Thermostat?

Slipped your mind, did it?

Well, you were accusing me of freezing you out two days ago.

You want it looked at, or don't you?

Do you know that you have spiders?

How's that?

Spiders. Sizeable spiders.

Possibly poisonous. Unquestionably sizeable and ugly.

I won't be a bit surprised.

That is your singular editorial judgment?

How's that?

Crawling all over my kitchen are spiders.

So?

Might I, at least, expect an apology in lieu of an explanation?

An apology? Okay, Mr. Walters. I apologize.

As owner and janitor of this building,

I'd like to go on record as saying I'm sorry you've got spiders.

And that's all you've got to say?

You ought to catch my act when somebody points out a cockroach.

Then I'm really apoplectic!

I happen to have a deathly fear of spiders.

That is my one inordinate phobia, spiders.

Frankly, Mr. Boucher, they absolutely unnerve me.

Had an aunt in Spokane was the same way. Used to hide in the attic when she saw one.

You have to get an exterminator.

Do you think one might be available tonight?

An exterminator? For spiders? This time of night?

Come on, Mr. Walters, be a big boy. Live with them. They won't hurt you.

Beautiful, just beautiful. Crawling all over my domicile

are furry, long-legged monsters, and from you I get philosophy.

Live with them? Not only will I not live with them,

I'll take the necessary steps to see that they're destroyed.

Mind if I give you my personal reading as to what I think the problem is with you?

Oh, marvelous! A man for all seasons.

A plumber, concierge, Sigmund Freud with a screwdriver.

Tell me, Mr. Boucher, enlighten me. What's my problem?

You ain't got no grizzle.

Any guy that makes a living writing about pishy-poshy food and interior decorating,

that kinda guy ought to shake hands with a pick and shovel now and then,

and taste a little sweat. Catch my meaning?

Painfully. A predictable cretin reaction from a 20th-century savage

whose cultural activities are limited to unplugging commodes.

You asked, I'm telling.

I didn't ask for a character analysis.

I quite properly demanded that you get rid of the spiders in my apartment.

Said request going unanswered.

Now, Mr. Boucher, what about those spiders?

I'll send them an eviction notice in the morning.

Boucher! Boucher, come out here! I demand that you come out here!

Now what?

Did you ever see a spider the size of a full-grown dog?

Frequently.

When my sister-in-law married a bootlegger,

after four bottles of his first-line bourbon,

I saw a giraffe.

A spider was riding him, dressed in jockey silks.

You revel in the absurd, don't you?

With tenants like you, I got little choice! Now, good night!

Chet, David and Justus. Spiders! The size of dogs, yet!

What? Who is it?

It's your friendly neighborhood door-to-door Lothario, madam.

Justus?

What do you want?

Well, you could start by inviting me in for a brandy.

It's rather late, Justus.

Maybe a small one.

Did you come up to apologize?

Yes. Yes, I was very harsh, Elizabeth.

I don't think that's the word for it. You were incredibly cruel.

Guilty as charged. I throw myself at the mercy of the court.

How about the brandy?

Justus, what is wrong? Are you ill?

Ill? Elizabeth, just because I seek out your company,

is that supposed to be reflective of some illness on my part?

You do yourself a vast injustice.

It so happens that your charms are not lost on me.

I happen to like you.

Oh, Justus!

You only halfway like one person in this whole world.

It lives inside your skin. It's you.

What's this about?

Elizabeth, I have a

deathly fear of spiders.

Of what?

Spiders.

Can I have another?

Spiders?

Down in my apartment. I know you're gonna find this difficult to believe.

Down in my apartment, in my bedroom, is a spider the size of a dog.

When last seen, it was hiding behind my chair.

Do you hear me?

Really, there's a spider...

Let me see, he was this big.

And frankly, Elizabeth, I'll be altogether honest with you,

I am absolutely and totally unnerved by this visitation.

I'm frightened.

I'm frightened to the point of sheer self-destruction.

Justus, do you know who you're speaking to?

This is Elizabeth.

You know, I have read thousands of books. I suppose tens of thousands of books.

Ancient and modern.

And in no place in any literature that I have ever read

is there a spider the size of a dog.

Not even in Kafka.

Perhaps it's a mutation. There's a lot of that going around.

Perhaps.

I think I should call the police. That thing is unarguably a man-killer.

May I use your telephone?

Yes, of course.

I think while you are calling, that you are to call

the psychiatric unit at Bellevue.

May I ask why?

To reserve a room.

You know, that's exactly where they're going to send you

when you call the police and tell them about a spider as big as a dog!

Not when they see it with their own eyes.

Justus.

They're not going to see it. Only you see it.

Do you know what I think? I think you've been

quaffing a little too much of your own vintage wine.

And eating your little delicacies, and reading your articles constantly.

Here, finish your brandy. And then, would you please go?

Elizabeth, you don't understand.

I can't go back down there.

Oh? Well, then I hope you have a third choice,

because you are certainly not going to stay here.

I don't understand you.

A little while ago you were begging for my company.

That was before I knew that I was competing with a spider.

Elizabeth, you are terribly cruel.

No, I am not cruel. I am refreshingly blunt.

You actually want me to go down there and face

a monstrous, hairy, eight-legged thing, a crawling nightmare, a devilish obscenity?

I think it's a marriage made in heaven.

All right! All right!

Elizabeth...

Elizabeth, dear, now, if you won't let me stay here,

would you, at least, come down there with me?

I?

Just see if it's still there.

We could check out the whole place.

And if it isn't, I could lock all the doors and the windows

and it couldn't possibly get back in, not with its size.

You know, I read someplace that kindness begets kindness.

I think they were talking about humans, not spiders.

But you are human, aren't you?

I'm going to take a chance.

Wait, listen, listen.

What?

Do you hear anything?

The thumping of your heart. It proves you have one, you're alive.

Do you see anything?

Your living room. There's nothing here.

No spiders. Oh, Justus. No women.

Elizabeth, Elizabeth, dear, believe me, believe me,

if there ever were a woman in my life, unequivocally, I tell you, it would be you.

What about in there?

Your bedroom?

Oh, Justus.

It's empty. No spiders.

A tribute to your loveless life. Empty.

You're sure?

Yes. Come, I'll show you.

Come. Want to see?

Look.

Behind the chair...

Elizabeth? Elizabeth! Unlock the door, will you?

Elizabeth, what are you doing?

Elizabeth, now, you don't understand. You don't understand, Elizabeth!

You don't understand women.

Their need for a little gentleness, a little kindness.

Let me out!

A little love.

Now, this is no joke, it could still be in here!

I wonder what Elizabeth Barrett Browning would say at this moment.

Would she have said, "Oh, how softly thy words

"fall like a song on my tender ears"?

Spiders drive me insane!

Stop it. I'll let you out in the morning.

At breakfast time, I'll come down and let you out.

Elizabeth, I'm begging you. Please do let me out! Please, Elizabeth!

I remember another place, another time, somebody said to me,

"What does it need to get through to you?

"An answering service? A security guard?

"What does it need to get the message through to you?"

Let me out, Elizabeth!

Elizabeth! Eliz...

It's in here! Let me out!

Good night.

Eliz... Elizabeth! It's in here!

Amy Lowell said something about night. What was it she said?

Can't remember.

Daddy! Daddy!

Can I have a drink of water?

Daddy, can I have a drink of water?

Honey? Honey?

It's your baby.

Daddy!

All right. Yeah, I'm coming.

Here. Here.

Teddy.

Thank you, Daddy.

Item number three in the Night Gallery. We call it "Marmalade Wine."

Look at it, if you will, with gentle and restrained eyes.

The way you would look at a maniac in the woods.

Because that's the story it tells.

Hold on to your glasses and get ready for a very special nightcap.

Hello?

Can anyone hear me?

Hello!

Hello, down there.

No, no, up here.

Stay where you are, I'll be right down.

Hello.

You startled me! I was photographing mountain lions earlier.

Yes, they can be rather troublesome. Come with me, I'll show you the way.

Come along.

Careful, now.

Careful, careful.

Here we are.

I hope I'm not imposing.

Not at all. Not at all.

Delightful as I find my sylvan retreat, it can be rather dull.

You'll join me in my after-lunch coffee and liqueur.

I'll take these inside to dry. Have a seat, I'll be right back.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh!

I didn't expect that.

It's good, though.

My name's Roger Blacker.

I'm Dr. Francis Deeking.

Oh, yes.

The famous surgeon.

You live out here in the middle of nowhere?

My weekend retreat, an escape from the strains of my exacting profession.

And, my good sir, what do you do?

Uh...

I'm...

I'm a photojournalist.

Life, look...

You know.

How very interesting.

Not quite as interesting as what you do.

I've read up on all your famous operations.

I especially like the one on that famous actress.

A bit sticky, that one. Thank heavens for silicone.

You must feel like a god.

All of us have God-like attributes.

You must, when you take a sterling photograph.

Well...

Would you be so kind as to take a photograph of me?

Yes.

Yeah.

Perhaps if you pushed that little switch?

Push the little switch. Yes.

I was just checking the focus.

Be sure to make me a copy.

Yes, I'll send it to the hospital.

I'm not there at present.

What was it I read about you recently?

No matter, no matter. Your drink is empty.

Thank you.

Excellent stuff.

Like a bouquet of orange blossoms.

Yes, I distill it myself from marmalade.

Marvelous, just marvelous.

Excuse me.

About what we were discussing...

Discussing?

Unique attributes.

I have one.

I am able to foretell the future.

Really? I've always wanted to know someone like you.

The responsibility must be terrifying.

Yes, of course.

I don't use the faculty for my own ends.

That would be immoral.

You mean to help another person, give warnings,

achieve profitable courses of action? Surely there's no harm in that.

To more successful operations, Doctor.

To be sure, to be sure. About what you were saying, though,

could you tell me the winner of today's feature at Pimlico

as a small test of your gift?

Who's running?

Bow Bells?

Bow Bells, absolutely.

Excuse me a moment.

Am I drunk!

What lies I've been telling him. Must apologize.

What was it that I read about him?

Something peculiar...

Just getting in under the wire!

Let me see now.

Ah, yes. There's a special election being held for the Richmond City Council.

Do you have any idea...

I have to apologize.

The winner, please, tell me.

The Republican in an upset by 1,138 votes.

Extraordinary! Do you use this power very often?

Oh, yes. I've helped men make millions.

Millions.

My dear Blacker, how are you?

You'll be happy to known that Bow Bells won by three lengths, going away.

Bow Bells?

I'm glad it worked out.

Not only that, the Republican candidate scored a major upset,

and by the exact number you predicted!

And, of course, when I heard the results at Pimlico,

I bet a bundle in that election.

Listen...

I've gotta explain something... Oh, my head!

I drank too much.

And my feet, these new boots.

They must've been too tight. And I wasted your entire day and night.

What time is it?

It's morning. Listen, the boots won't be a problem anymore.

As for your taking my time, you're not in my way at all.

Matter of fact, I hope that you'll stay here as my guest for some time to come.

We have all the comforts here. Now, if you'll just give me

the stock exchange prices for the coming week,

that'll be ample remuneration.

I'm afraid you don't understand. Ow!

Those stories that I told you about the future, they were exaggerations.

You've been so kind to me, I couldn't possibly go on deceiving you.

Now don't be so modest. Wait here while I get you something to eat.

Since my retirement, I find it necessary to

augment my income by judicious investment.

So, may I have a few stocks? The market opens any minute.

But I'm trying to tell you,

the horse winning and the election result was all a fantastic coincidence!

Three stocks with figures, please.

Holt Industries up 6.5, Desenol Limited down 17.

Apon up 12.

I'm calling my broker right now. Don't go away!

Deeking...

Ow!

What was it I read?

He's flipped his lid!

He's not allowed to practice medicine anymore.

That's it.

I'd better get out of here.

I really must go now. I have a pressing appointment in town.

I thought you might. But it's out of the question.

But don't worry, you'll be very happy here.

While you were sleeping, I took the liberty of amputating your feet.

Now open your mouth and enjoy some of this delicious food.

After which we'll listen to the stock market openings on the radio.

Open wide! Open wide!

Open wide! Open wide!

A small item for the pedagogues amongst you.

A little something to be found in a drawer alongside the old school ties.

Now picture, if you will, a very special school,

where the students don't matriculate, but rather, are marooned.

Where the scholars are not enrolled, but rather, sentenced.

The painting is called The Academy.

Get your head up! Straighten up!

To the rear, hut! Pay attention!

Do you hear me?

To the rear, hut!

Wake up, wake up!

Left, right, left, right... I said your left! Your left!

Left, right!

To the rear! To the rear!

Would you please sign our guest book, sir?

Thank you. My name, incidentally...

I know, sir. The director's been expecting you.

The director's waiting to see you. Will you follow me, Mr. Holston?

You stand at attention with your head and eyes straight to the front!

Are there any questions?

Oh, Mr. Holston, come in.

Forgive me, I was having a little bite. Won't you sit down?

May I offer you something? A sandwich, a glass of milk?

No. No, thank you.

Had no trouble finding us?

A little off the beaten track.

Yes, we like it that way.

Your son, he's not with you?

No. I gathered from your letter you preferred

to talk to the parents by themselves,

at least initially.

Yes. We found out that works out a bit better.

The parents feel more at ease, they're able to talk more frankly.

I have studied the boy's transcript and I've

discussed it with the admissions committee.

My son is really not a bad kid.

I'm sorry?

What I mean is,

he's gotten into some trouble along the way, but he's very bright.

It seems he lacks motivation.

And I'm afraid he's undisciplined, like a lot of youngsters nowadays.

Hmm.

There is no Mrs. Holston?

My wife died several years ago.

"Died."

She was in an accident.

A boating accident.

How did you know that?

We have to check very thoroughly, Mr. Holston.

See, all aspects of a boy's life are relevant to our decision

whether to look favorably or otherwise on an application.

Now, as to the...

The circumstances of the accident.

Roger was only about 10 years old at the time.

Continue.

He and his mother were in a row boat in the Thousand Islands.

And the boat capsized.

Roger was always a very powerful swimmer.

Mmm-hmm. How altogether fortunate for him.

And how tragic for your late wife.

I know there were rumors at the time, but I assure you...

Don't bother, Mr. Holston.

As I say, we are interested in the boy's total background,

but this is not a Code of Inquiry.

The Academy doesn't sit in judgment on a boy.

It is merely interested in behavioral difficulties

and special emotional problems, so that we can plan the curriculum properly.

And, of course, discipline is the major item around here.

Well, I'm sure you'd like to have a look around the school. Yes?

Your catalogue mentioned a policy

of not having any home visits during the first year.

Yes. We've found that home visits just don't fit into the picture

until the cadet has become thoroughly oriented to our way of doing things.

And we say a year merely as a general guide.

Sometimes it takes longer than that.

Of course, the parents are free to visit here at specified times.

Actually, the cadets seem to prefer it that way.

Mr. Holston, you mentioned motivation before.

And that's what this Academy is interested in.

To motivate these boys to achieve success

in becoming fully-oriented members of this community.

So you can see that home visits would cause a disruption in the process.

Yes, I can see that.

Well, shall we take a short tour? Classrooms, dormitories, so forth?

After you.

Ten-hut!

This is a class in calculus and trigonometry, sir.

You keep your heads up!

Feel free to question the cadets if you like.

You're not here to play!

No, thank you.

I'm not much of a math man.

Carry on, Bradley.

As you were, gentlemen.

Those are big fellows in there. Your seniors, I suppose?

We don't follow the usual class designations, Mr. Holston.

Our purpose is to build men.

You simply can't find a formula that will satisfy the requirements for every case.

They're very efficient.

When a boy knows drill, Mr. Holston, he knows something about life.

That's the way we handle these boys, with drill.

Not just physical drill, drill on every level.

We've been handed hopeless cases, absolutely incorrigible boys.

But in every instance, we've managed to find the right answer.

And that answer is drill.

Of course, in some cases, it takes more time than in others.

Oh, this is one of our dormitories here.

Ten-hut!

Perhaps you'd like to chat with one of the boys.

It's Cadet Sloane, isn't it?

Yes, sir.

This is Mr. Holston.

Well, how do you find it here, Mr. Sloane?

I like it very much, sir.

The food, everything?

Everything is very good, sir.

I suppose you're planning on some college or other?

My plans aren't too definite at present, sir.

I can tell you're a hard worker on your books, Mr. Sloane.

We're kept very busy, sir.

Your parents must be proud to have an industrious son.

My parents aren't living, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's quite all right, sir. It's been quite a while.

Well, it's been nice talking to you, Mr. Sloane. Good luck.

Thank you, sir.

As you were, gentlemen.

"Sloane." I seem to remember a Sloane in the papers, a news story.

It was Cadet Sloane. Though he came from an exceptionally fine family,

he had a record of arrest before he was 15.

An assault case involving a young woman.

Yes.

But that was years ago!

If that's the same Sloane, why, he'd have to be in his 30s!

Mr. Holston, have you noticed our statue here?

Yes.

Quite a piece of sculpture.

We're very proud of that.

Seems a bit unconventional, though, doesn't it?

Oh? Unconventional?

Facing toward the academy, instead of the outside world.

That bit of symbolism preparing the boy for becoming a man.

Yes, most visitors notice that. It does seem unusual at a glance.

But, you see, for us, the important thing is this academy.

This is our world.

All that a boy needs is to be found right here.

And for that reason, that statue symbolizes welcome, not farewell.

Yes, of course.

Well, I guess the only thing that remains is whether you'll accept my son.

I thought I'd made that quite clear, Mr. Holston.

Indeed, we'll accept him. With pleasure.

When you see him again, I think you'll find great changes in the boy.

I was planning on going abroad for some period of time. Business.

He's in good hands.

On your feet! Get up! You want three more miles?

Move! Move! You'll do it with full field pack next time!

Move! Hit it! Hit it! Move!

That discipline...

The discipline is altogether rigid, Mr. Holston.

That's what makes men.

Of course, we reserve the right to exercise whatever discipline we feel is necessary.

It seems ludicrous, I guess, to ask it now,

instead of just checking the catalogue before, but...

How long will my son stay here?

"How long?" I assumed you understood that.

Indefinitely, Mr. Holston.

Most of the parents prefer it that way.

Roger will be here tomorrow.

We'll look forward to it.

Gatekeeper?

Yes, sir?

Do you enjoy working here at the Academy?

Working, sir? Yes.

I'm not employed here, sir. I'm a cadet like the others.

How long?

I was 15 when I arrived, sir.

I'll soon be 55.

Did you find the school to your liking, Mr. Holston?

What?

The school, sir. Will Roger be attending?

You'll drive him out here first thing in the morning.

Yes, sir.

He's a high-spirited young man, sir.

The military school will be a bit hard for him to take.

My son's a rotter, George, you and I both know it.

This is just the place for him.