Original subtitles

SERLING: Starring tonight:

Arte Johnson,

James Farentino,

Michele Lee,

Adam West,

and Jeannette Nolan.

For those of you who've never met me,

you might call me the undernourished Alfred Hitchcock.

The great British craftsman and I do share something in common.

An interest in the odd ball,

a predilection toward the bizarre.

And this place is nothing if it isn't bizarre,

by virtue of the paintings you see hanging around me.

This item here is called Since Aunt Ada Came to Stay.

And Aunt Ada is a most memorable character.

You may not like her but I seriously doubt if you'll ever forget her.

Be thankful you've met her only in the Night Gallery.

Teach well, sweetie. What time will you be back?

3:30. Right after the faculty meeting.

I want to transplant those roses.

What're you going to do with yourself?

Taking Aunt Ada for a ride.

Aunt Ada, huh?

Aunt Ada.

Bye.

Aha!

The ever-present green carnation!

Professor Porteus.

I have every reason to believe the earth would stand stock-still in the heavens

were our Mr. Craig Lowell to appear on campus without his quotidian

green carnation.

Yes. It's a favorite of my wife's, Professor.

And a very potent favorite it is, my boy.

In the realm of the occult, an area which, as you may perhaps know,

occupies the major portion of my leisure hours.

It is widely written that the green carnation

when set aflame in the presence of...

Professor, I do have a class waiting.

Of course, my boy, of course.

Do come to my rooms some evening

when you've more time, and we'll have a nice, long talk about it.

Fascinating subject, fascinating.

Mmm.

Have another cup, dearie?

Oh, Craig, come and have some of Aunt Ada's herb tea. It's really delicious.

How... How long have you two been in here?

Goodness, I don't know. Ten, fifteen minutes, I guess. Why?

The roses! You know she's allergic to flowers.

Oh, for the love of...

All right, I forgot I had them.

Joanna, just how long is that woman going to live with us?

At ninety? Ninety, at least?

It's not unknown for people to live to be a hundred, you know.

I don't understand why she upsets you so much.

I don't know what it is. It's just something about her.

Ever since she came to live with us... What?

I don't know. I just can't put my finger on it.

Don't fret, little fox foot.

It's not going to be much longer.

Another tea party, ladies?

Joanna, it's after midnight!

I thought you were asleep.

That's what I thought you were.

Oh, honey, I couldn't.

I was tossing and turning, and...

I was afraid it was gonna bother you, so I got up and came down.

What's this stuff?

Oh! That's herbs, dearie. Herbs to help her sleep.

You have herbs for everything, haven't you, Aunt Ada?

Oh.

Nature wakes you. Nature rests you.

Nature makes you. Nature takes you.

Could I give you a cup?

No, thanks. I sleep very well.

How is it you're up so late, Aunt Ada?

Child, when one reaches an age like mine,

one sleeps only an hour or two at night.

Really? How interesting.

Seaweed.

Seaweed?

Hydrodendon barelia.

That's its Sunday name.

Very common along the coast, here.

Any pharmacological uses?

Inducing sleep, anything like that?

No, nothing medicinal,

nothing poisonous, nothing of any...

Oh!

What?

Enter folklore.

Hydrodendon barelia is the modern name for,

and here I quote,

"the sinister witch's weed of antiquity."

Witch's weed? What the...

Come on, Frank, now... What is witch's weed?

Beats me. I'm in chemistry, not sorcery.

Why don't you drop in on Nick Porteus?

I'm sure he knows.

Nick Porteus?

Yeah.

Oh, my, yes, Hydrodendon barelia.

Yes, indeed, by all means.

Virulent, my boy, potent, dangerous.

Handle with care... That's what you do with witch's weed!

What I do? What are witches supposed to do with it?

Granting their existence, of course, which I don't happen to do.

Very few people do, my boy, during the day.

But the tolling of the midnight bell makes believers out of many.

Which is your subject again, Mr. Lowell?

Logic and Scientific Method.

Of course.

And you find it hard to fit the pentacle of Beelzebub

into the Aristotelian Square of Opposition.

In time, though, young man, in time.

Yes, quite. In the meantime, Professor,

this so-called witch's weed...

Ah, yes.

You see, the weed is employed by the aging witch

who has used up her present body

to facilitate her entry into and assumption of the new,

young body that she has chosen for herself.

Excuse me?

That is how they perpetuate themselves.

During the 12 strokes of midnight, at the first full moon

following the autumn equinox.

But first...

First, the witch's weed must have been administered in gradual doses

over a period of roughly three weeks.

Without the preparation, entry cannot be made.

Professor Porteus, I'm very sorry,

but I consider this utter nonsense. Especially...

And yet, young man, since you came to this university

I have never seen you, never once seen you

without the one weapon in the entire arsenal of anti-witches armament

that can prevent this exchange of bodies from taking place.

Disbelieve, if you will, my friend, but also,

do not forget.

Sorry to bother you, but...

I'm trying to discover the whereabouts of a relative of my wife's.

My wife is very anxious to find out if she

still lives in this town.

She used to, quite some time ago,

but I imagine she's quite elderly by now.

Her name is Quigley. Ada Burn Quigley.

Quigley! There you are, sir.

Remember the funeral myself. Six months ago.

You saw this woman buried?

Yes, sir.

Who attended the ceremony?

It was all ladies. Old as the hills they looked.

And all kind of alike, as though it was some kind of family.

Who maintains the grave?

Nobody slapped down no maintaining fee, so

that's who maintains it, nobody.

Wouldn't do no good, anyhow.

I don't know what those funeral fellers shot into her, but

whatever it was, it contained enough acid to kill...

Well, I'll be swingered!

What is it?

Nothing ever grew on that plot after they tucked her in.

Not a grass, not a dandelion, not a bud!

Nothing but raw, grey dirt!

I think it is entirely logical I may be going mad.

Oh, lovey.

She has gone marketing.

She said she'd be back in a twinkle.

I've just been the 30 miles to Bakerton.

Oh.

And what did you see there?

A grave.

Great Aunt Ada Quigley's grave.

Beautiful place.

Yes! Restful.

Very.

And I've no reason to believe it is not presently occupied

by the person whose name is inscribed on the headstone above it.

Therefore, I ask you this question, Madam. Who are you?

Why...

You've seen my picture in the family album.

Joanna showed it to you.

I've seen a fuzzy snapshot taken 40 years ago

of a middle-aged woman Joanna identifies as you.

And you concur in that identification.

Now, if you are, in fact, the Great Aunt Ada

Quigley whose picture appears in the album,

you are also the Great Aunt Ada Quigley who's buried in the graveyard at Bakerton!

If you are not one, you are not the other!

And as you are standing before me this very moment

you are clearly not in your grave at Bakerton.

And if you are not in your grave, you are neither in the photograph album.

So I repeat, madam, who are you?

Why are you here?

What are you after?

I will have an answer!

Well, been having a nice chat while I've been gone?

Yes, this is Craig Lowell speaking.

Could you connect me with Professor Porteus, please?

Professor? Professor!

Yes? CRAIG: Professor Porteus, please.

This is his housekeeper!

I think it might be a stroke! Please! I must get him to the hospital at once!

A stroke?

Darling?

Mmm-hmm.

You'll dig your grave if you dig any harder.

Joanna, I want to talk to you.

You don't have to, because I know what you

want to say, and it isn't necessary any longer.

What are you talking about?

Aunt Ada upsets you, and you want her to leave, right?

Right.

Well, she is leaving. She just told me.

She told you that? When?

Is she leaving? The day after tomorrow. She's applied to

an old folks' home up the coast somewhere, and they've accepted her.

The day after tomorrow?

Today's the 21st.

First day of Autumn.

During the 12 strokes of midnight, at the first full moon

following the autumn equinox.

The full moon's on the 23rd. The day after tomorrow.

Craig? That hurts!

One favor!

Just one.

Anything! But honey, please!

From this second, until midnight, the last stroke of midnight,

on the 23rd... What?

Never let me out of your sight!

Craig, you're frightening me to death!

No, I'm fighting to keep you alive!

So...

Aunt Ada...

Locked doors present a problem even to you.

Why would you try to get in? You knew you couldn't get past me.

Have a nice cup of tea, my darling...

No! Out! Get out!

Yes?

Telegram for Mr. Craig Lowell.

That's me. Thank you.

What is it?

It's from Ben Snyder. He's been called out of town. Some family problem, it says.

Wants me to take his class tonight.

Well, why didn't he call me?

Why wait until the last minute and...

Uh-uh.

Well, it won't work!

What are you doing? Sit down.

I'm ringing up the college, saying I can't make it.

But you can make it. We're not doing anything this evening.

I am not leaving this house tonight!

Philosophy Department, please.

Craig, it's an emergency. There are other people!

Yes, I'll wait.

Ben needs you! Craig!

Ben got you your professorship here!

He's one of your closest friends, you can't just turn him down!

Why are you acting this way?

All right.

All right.

I'm going to try to tell you in an orderly,

logical, unemotional manner,

exactly what is going on in this house.

And why I cannot oblige my very good friend Professor Snyder

who may be having a family problem of his own.

But whatever it is, it can only prove

insignificant to the family problem we're having!

What are you talking about?

That woman is not your Great Aunt Ada!

That woman

is a witch.

And she's at least a thousand years old

and she stays alive by finding young bodies and inhabiting them.

And at midnight tonight, she's planning on inhabiting your body.

And unless I'm around to prevent her, she'll probably get away with it.

You've gone mad!

That is precisely the reaction I would have if I'd just been told what I've told you.

But it happens to be the truth!

They're going to have to come and take you away!

Well, I'm sure I've just given you ample grounds to have me committed.

And if I were in your place, I'd seriously consider it, but,

until that clock out there finishes striking 12:00 tonight,

I am not leaving your side.

After that, you can take whatever action against me you feel necessary.

Craig...

Can you prove any of this?

Only by letting it occur and I have no intention of doing that.

But you actually mean it.

I'm convinced of it, darling!

Enough to phone the college and tell them you can't take Ben's class tonight

because you have to stay home with me

to keep my Aunt Ada from turning me into a witch?

If I must, in order to show you how serious I am.

No.

I don't want to have to wait for visiting hours to see you.

Take Ben's class tonight. I'll go with you.

You can discuss your Square of Opposition and keep an eye on me at the same time.

Now, is there anything wrong with that?

That would never have occurred to me.

Of course not.

It's much too simple for that logical mind of yours.

All right?

In sub-alternation obtaining between a universal and a particular affirmative.

Now we come to an examination of the Aristotelian Square of Opposition.

Let "A" represent the universal affirmative,

and "E" the universal negative, here at the top.

Now, down at the bottom, the letter "I" represents the particular affirmative,

"O" the particular negative.

In sub-alternation obtaining between a universal and a particular affirmative

or between a universal and a particular negative,

where the difference is one of 20 only.

Gods of Acheron be propitious.

Jove and Jehovah, hear our wishes.

Chief of the East, Beelzebub trust, come to this body.

Soon powder and rust.

Chief of the East, Beelzebub trust, come to this body.

Soon powder and rust.

That body of youth, that body of lust.

That body of bodies to live in, I must!

Inhabit at midnight!

To live in, I must!

Inhabit at midnight!

Make ready, prepare!

Mephisto, the spirits!

Mephisto, the spirits!

The spirits!

Fire, water and air!

The square of opposition...

Again, represented by the letters "A", "E", "I" and "O" respectively.

And before going any further let us establish

that these are arbitrary designations,

except for the fact that they've been around a lot longer than any of us here.

They might well be called "A", "B", "C" and "D".

Test their validity.

For this purpose we will take the proposition,

"All republics are ungrateful."

Now, if we accept the proposition that all...

Aunt Ada?

Right here, lovey.

I've been waiting for you.

Just the last little mouthful.

That's all that's needed now.

Mmm?

Just the littlest sip will do the trick.

And then you'll be mine, my blessed,

when the midnight tolls.

Come on. Come on.

Don't fight it, little cuddly.

Soon it'll be the gentle winds

and the cool sea.

The soft white cloud forever.

Craig...

Oh, don't clutter your head with him, little rumples,

we won't be needing him anymore.

Joanna!

Joanna!

Joanna?

You're too late, silkywhistle.

She's mine now!

You're not getting past me!

Oh...

Wait!

No!

Disbelieve if you will, my friend.

But also, do not forget!

The only weapon in the entire arsenal of anti-witching armament.

Only the green carnation, when set aflame

in the presence of...

Joanna...

My love, my darling!

Oh.

Teach well, sweetie.

See you at 3:00.

Okay. Bye-Bye

Master. What do you think, Master?

If I told you once, I've told you a hundred times.

Go easy on the vermouth!

We refer to him by different names.

Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub.

But by any other name, he'd smell of brimstone.

These are the ingredients to a one-man stew.

A disc jockey, a radio show,

and a painting we call, The Flip-Side of Satan.

Who's better than J.J.?

When J.J. makes the scene...

Can the good sounds be far behind?

"The main switch, three minutes before air time.

"Programming Plan.

"Absolutely no variations."

J.J. Wilson, programmed.

Five thousand watts.

On a clear day you can hear across the street.

Who's better than J.J.?

J. J. Wilson.

J. J. Wilson.

J. J. Wilson.

J. J. Wilson.

J. J. Wilson.

And that's me. Alive and well on KAPH.

Or as the owl said to the pussycat,

"Whoo! Whoo!"

If that's any indication of what my show's like...

Just putting you on. Because over the next six hours

you're going to hear the sounds of now.

Sounds to blow your mind and do your thing by,

sounds like...

only J.J. can play.

Your kind of music, I know.

From midnight to dawn, I picked it out.

Sid? J.J.

You happen to have the right time on you?

Coming West I had to set my watch back 200 years.

Me? Complain?

Let me tell you something, Sid. Complainers are the old maids of the world.

They know what they want but they don't know how to get it.

Besides, what's there to complain about?

You ever seen Station KAPH?

Let me tell you, Sidney, it's something else.

Modern? Yeah, I guess you could say that but, uh...

I think nostalgic would be more fitting.

What I mean is, to Ben Franklin it might be modern but...

Oh, come on, Sidney. Isn't that what I am saying?

It's all relative.

Besides, nostalgia is in.

Hey, take a listen to this music.

Heavy, huh?

That's just to grab 'em.

You wait till the word gets around town that J.J.'s doing his thing.

The other jocks will be fighting for seats on the next stage out.

Bitter?

Who said agents aren't very bright?

Sid, what kind of one-tube station

only broadcasts from midnight to 6:00 in the morning?

The Voice of Insomnia?

What are you trying to do to me, Sid, ruin my career?

I'll tell you what career!

The career that's put your amorphous frame behind the wheel of a new car every year.

That helped to build that house on the island,

and kept Emily from going bananas much sooner than she did!

That's what car...

What? What're you... What're you...

Oh, now I get it.

It took a while, Sid, for that light bulb over my head to turn on, but...

You thought Emily and me were having...

Mmm-hmm. Good.

And that's why you arranged this gig for me in Lower Slobbovia.

Sid, I'm surprised at you.

Emily was your wife. I always considered myself your best friend.

Those weekends I went away, it was fishing with Burt Fox.

If Emily happened to be away at the same time it was just a coincidence.

And you check with Burt if you want.

Sid...

Let's not plant weeds on Emily's grave. She loved you very much.

You could see it in her face when she looked at you.

And believe me, Sid, no matter what anyone says, it was an accident.

Emily had too much to live for.

Well, you... You know what I mean.

Sid, let me get in touch with you later and...

Look, I'm sorry about those things I said.

That's right, Sid. Who's better than us?

Well, if that doesn't blow your mind

then I'm beginning to wonder what fills up that space between my ears.

Or as the pilot said before taking off this afternoon from Fun City,

"J.J., I'm gonna be flying at 30,000 feet.

"You fly any higher than that and you're on your own."

And wait till you hear what's coming to you next on KAPH.

The J. J. Wilson Show!

No, you groovy cats out there.

You tell me.

And I thought we were way out in Gotham City.

Burt? J.J.

Look, I hope I didn't wake you.

Yeah, I figured you'd just be getting in.

By yourself?

You're too much, Burt.

Listen, I won't keep you long. I got a little favor to ask.

Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't want my friends to know I was leaving

because I didn't want them to go to the trouble for having a party for me.

I figured once I got settled here...

No, it had nothing to do with the money I owe you.

The name of J.J. Wilson is written on every one of those markers.

What's it like here?

It's a whole different way of life, Burt.

People are friendly. They can't do enough for you.

Like, you take when my plane landed this afternoon.

Are you ready for this?

A member of the Chamber of Commerce was waiting to meet me

at the airport with a limo.

My car? I gave it to my kid nephew.

What's so funny?

Yeah, Burt, I had a mother like everyone else.

About that favor...

I talked to Sidney

and somehow he got the idea that Emily and I were seeing each other before...

Well, you know, before she tried making a Greek tragedy out of her suburban life.

You didn't tell him anything, did you?

No, of course I trust you.

Yeah, but just in case he gets in touch...

Remember about the weekends fishing?

That's right.

Just you and me, and a bunch of smelly trout.

Who said I was afraid of him?

I just don't like hurting people, Burt. You know that.

Besides, Sidney's been like a father to me.

I like to think I kept Emily from doing what she was destined to do much sooner.

That's right, Burt.

Who's better than J.J.?

I conjure thee.

Spirits of darkness, I summon thee from the regions of Hell.

Lucifer, Ouyar, Chameron,

Aliseon, Mandousin, Premy,

Masago,

Gamigin, Marbas...

These hayseeds have some sense of humor.

Borax,

Oriet,

Naydrus, Esmony...

They even got somebody to imitate my voice.

Barbatos,

Hayras, Fabelleronthon,

Sodirnot.

Lucifer, come unto me.

Wow, heavy, heavy! Hey, let me clue you in on what's happening.

There's an old custom among boss-jocks that when a new deejay joins the station,

the other deejays try to put one over on him. Dig?

It's their way of making him feel at home.

Well, let me tell you something, you've succeeded.

You know, I just finished a 15-year gig

in the big apple itself, New York City.

I mean, I was top jock and no one could touch me,

but I left it all to come here. Why?

To be reborn on KAPH,

and to meet people like you.

Hey, groove on this, Who's better than J.J.? His listeners!

Now! Dig J.J.'s sounds.

The latest from The Karmas,

Good Vibes.

O Lucifer,

the condemned has entered into the crucible from which there is no escape.

Paimon, Buer, Gusion...

A joke is a joke is a joke.

Sitri, Beleth, Leraje...

All right, fellow deejays, you can come in with the champagne now!

Eligos, Zepar, Iliops,

Surprise!

Hey, what's going on here?

Who do you hayseeds think you're dealing with?

O Monarch of all Demons, the condemned has moved closer to your arms...

What condemned?

Closer to the final embrace...

That's some joke! I really dig it!

Very funny.

Operator...

What do you mean I dialed a disconnected number?

I dialed the operator!

How can the operator be a recording?

The Prince of Darkness will receive the condemned...

So much for the Prince of Darkness.

I don't know what the scene is like out there, but it's wild in here.

That's why I want you to listen real close...

All have been summoned to witness the sacrifice of the condemned.

"September 4, 1959 to September 4, 1959.

"May 5th, 1968 to May 5th, 1968!

"October 3rd, 1970 to October 3rd 1970!"

The condemned will humble himself before the altar of sacrifice.

I will never humble myself!

The arms of Lucifer prepare to embrace the condemned.

The arms of Lucifer?

I fought the judges of New York City!

And I won!

The sacrifice must be carried out, now!

Because I'm J.J. Wilson!

And who's better than, J...