Original subtitles

SERLING: Tonight's stars:

Vincent Price,

E.G. Marshall,

Imogene Coca,

Desi Arnaz, Jr.,

Victor Buono,

and Brandon de Wilde.

How nice of you all to come to our little exhibition.

To the connoisseurs amongst you,

those tasteful few who take their art seriously,

we acknowledge with no apologies

that you won't find the works of the masters here.

Because in this particular salon

we choose our painting with an eye more towards terror

than technique.

A little American gothic here

with the accustomed accoutrements to mourning,

tombstones and tears

and the somber look of the bereaved.

We generally cry at funerals out of the sense of loss.

A poor unfortunate loved one will no longer walk the earth.

He or she will simply occupy six feet of it,

never to be seen or heard from again.

Or at least we make an assumption that that's natural law

and we subscribe to it.

But this painting here,

and we admit this upfront, breaks that law.

It's called a Death in the Family.

It offers up a new view of death,

and it introduces you to quite a family

who live here in the Night Gallery.

Mr. Soames?

That's right.

From the Home?

That's right. They said they called you.

A day or so ago.

Well, we're behind in our deliveries.

I'm supposed to remind you it's 100 bucks maximum,

payment 10 days after the burial.

And you're supposed to acknowledge construction of the coffin.

Up here, in the right-hand corner,

it tells you what grave it goes in.

Here it is. Grave 636.

It's in the charity section. You can't miss it.

Sign here.

What about the name?

Name? What's his name, Joe?

Oh, it should be on here. Here it is.

Simon Cotner.

Simon Cotner.

Could I trouble you to bring him in there?

Yeah.

Excuse me. What about flowers?

Flowers?

Flowers.

And some kind of music? Has a minister been chosen?

And there's the question of mourners.

We got a little breakdown of communication going here.

Our instructions is to bring it here.

It's a charity burial, paid for by the County.

They supply a suit, a blanket

and 100 bucks for the formaldehyde and the ground.

A hundred bucks. And we'll come back later for the stretcher.

And mourners?

Come again?

Mourners. People to mourn his passing.

You know how long that guy was in that home?

Thirty-odd years.

You know how many friends he's got? Zero.

You know how many letters he's received in all that time? Zero.

You know what they call that oil-burner we delivered him in?

A meat wagon.

All right, let me lay it out for you, Mr. Soames.

You wanna throw in a floral wreath, a couple dozen weepers

a fife-and-drum corps, that's your business.

But don't do it on our account.

When a man dies...

When a man dies, it ought to be everybody's business.

Mr. Soames, when this man dies, it's your business.

100 bucks' worth.

Payable upon receipt from the graves registration guy

that the hole got dug, a box got placed, and the hole got covered.

Now, was there anything else on your mind, before we go?

A marker, a stone.

A stone?

He wants a stone, yet.

You can't bury him in an unmarked grave.

The County supplies a wooden marker with the stiff's name on it.

Real nice printing.

Last name first, date of birth, date of death.

What else would you like? A poem?

Come on, Joe.

"Cotner, Simon.

"Age, 81.

"No known relatives.

"Cause of death,

"pneumonia."

Simon, old man,

you lived 81 years.

81 years.

That's a bare epitaph for 81 years.

You deserve more than a $100 funeral.

But don't you worry.

You shall have more.

You shall have much more.

You shall have eternity, Simon.

Sure is light, ain't he?

He was a little old man,

wasted away.

Have you seen anybody? A car or anything?

Not between here and the cemetery.

Who are you looking for?

Escaped convict. He's armed and considered dangerous.

So, if you happen to see somebody in a green coupe

who is probably bleeding, get to a phone.

Bleeding? That's right.

The gas station attendant in town is almost certain

he winged him about an hour ago.

So If you happen to spot him, don't get close to him.

He'll blow your head off.

I'll keep that in mind, Officer.

All right. Let him through.

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow!

Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny

For he's a jolly good fellow!

Which nobody can deny!

Be back soon.

Just freeze, mister. Keep your mouth shut.

You're quite a singer. I was listening to you.

For he's a jolly good fellow, yeah.

Who is?

Who's a jolly good fellow?

You got somebody in there?

You got a jolly good fellow in there?

No one who could harm you.

A stiff.

In a manner of speaking.

It's a stiff, sitting in a chair, all dressed up for a party.

That's Simon Cotner.

He was to have been buried this afternoon.

A pine box was buried but I have other plans for Simon.

Lest you be unduly disturbed, young man, this is a funeral home.

A funeral home.

Well, the way I feel right now, mister.

I'm pretty close to the right place.

A deal, pal.

You give me some dry clothes and a car,

and maybe half an hour or so without using the phone.

And I'll give you a fast exit, and you can forget all about me.

You couldn't survive an hour. Not the way you're bleeding.

How about the wheels?

All I have is an old hearse.

A hearse.

That's what I need. A nice inconspicuous item like a hearse.

Listen.

I know you don't owe me anything.

And you can pick up the phone anytime you want to, blow the whistle on me,

but do me a favor, okay?

Just let me lie down.

Just give me a half-hour or so, so I can close my eyes.

You may stay as long as you want. You can lie on the sofa.

I gotta ask you a question.

Of course.

Why? Why the break?

You're very young.

Twenty-two. That's not so young.

Very young,

to be bleeding to death in a funeral home.

Beats dying in the rain and in the cold.

Do you have a family?

No.

Nobody I know.

Nobody close.

We share something.

I didn't have a family either.

I spent the first 16 years of my life in an orphanage.

I'll never forget those 16 years.

Why is that stiff all dressed up, sitting in a chair?

Beats lying in a box underground, doesn't it?

You rest.

I'll fix some tea.

Hey.

I'm doing 99 years for murder one.

You understand?

That means homicide first degree. That means no parole.

That means I'm a rotten apple.

Until tonight, the only hand I ever got was the back of it.

That, and a kick in the pants and a taste of the sidewalk.

It's a funny thing.

I gotta wait until the lights are half out

and I've got one foot in hell,

and I crawl on my hands and my knees to a dead house

to find somebody,

somebody living,

somebody warm.

You rest.

No one will disturb you.

Nobody can deny

Hey! Mister?

For he's a jolly good fellow!

Mister, where are you?

Which nobody can deny!

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow!

Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny

For he's a jolly good fellow!

Which nobody can deny

Come in.

This is my family.

My wife.

My two children.

My mother.

Brother.

And this is my father, who just arrived tonight.

We were having a welcome-home party for him.

Don't be frightened.

No one will hurt you.

Down here is only love and peace.

They're dead.

Dead? Why?

Because they don't struggle like the living?

Because they don't compete?

Because they don't hate?

Because they know nothing of greed, intolerance, prejudice?

Out there is the graveyard.

Out there the slaughterhouse, where they kill and bury dreams.

A whole world full of lonely pallbearers.

But down here, in this room,

my son,

is a family.

Down...

Stay here and be quiet, son.

I'll try to get rid of them.

Help me up the stairs.

It's probably the police.

I don't care! Now help me up the stairs!

Please, that's not possible. They've probably come for you.

Now go back into the living room with the family.

This isn't my family! They're stiffs!

Now get outta the way, mister. I mean it. Get out of the way!

Don't you understand? I'm trying to help you.

Please, you belong here.

Get out of the way, mister! I mean it! Get out of the way!

We were just having a little homecoming celebration

for my father,

my son,

and for myself.

The father...

The father of the family.

Really, dear,

you understand why I'm doing this, don't you?

It's for your own good, you know.

I want to spare you the unpleasantness.

I wouldn't do it if it weren't for your own good.

Are you comfortable?

Just be patient. It won't take much longer.

Dear?

Now, dear, you relax and try not to worry.

Just a few more rows

and then in a little while it will be all over.

It's really much better this way.

Once they tell you, once you know for sure,

makes no sense sitting around

and waiting to be eaten up by the pain.

Now, dear,

we agreed last night, this was best.

It's so easy this way.

Once the wall gets sealed,

there's nothing to do but lean back

and in a little while,

a very little while,

the air will be gone and there'll be nothing left but sleep.

No fear, no pain.

Just soft, sweet sleep.

It's not as though we were leaving each other,

we'll always be together, really.

The same as in the days when you went upstairs to take a nap.

I couldn't see you, couldn't talk to you,

but still I knew you were there.

Goodbye, dear. Try not to think about it.

Just set your mind on remembering the good years,

the good things, and in no time at all...

Dear.

Dear?

Someone's at the front door.

I'll be back just as soon as I see who it is.

A most unusual graduation exercise now.

It's titled the Class of '99.

A set of numbers and a pair of eyes.

We'll move behind them now to give you an idea

why we call the place you're in the Night Gallery.

Good morning, young ladies and gentlemen.

This is rather an anointed day at our university.

The occasion of the oral section of your final examination.

Let me review briefly our procedure.

I will direct random questions at various of you

and will grade you immediately.

Keep in mind, however,

that the question may be repeated at any time to someone else.

Now, needless to say, I wish you all very good luck.

It is the hope of the university,

its faculty and administration

that the class of '99, already scholastically so distinguished,

will continue its extremely high level of performance

in this, your final examination.

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, let us begin.

General heading: Science. Subheading: Propulsion.

In the middle of the 13th century,

a scientific work appeared in the Greek language

written by Marcus Graecus.

Annotate that work for me please, Mr. Templeton.

The publication in question was an extract

from the works of Albertus Magnus and Roger Bacon.

What was Roger Bacon called, Mr. McWhirter?

English Powder Monk.

Miss Wheeton, in what language is that work now available

and how is it identified?

It is available in a Latin translation.

It's sub-titled Liber Ignium ad Comburendos Hostes.

Name four men in the past three centuries

whose work has been related to propulsion, Mr. Johnson.

Sir William Congreve, William Hale, Dr. Robert Goddard...

A fourth name, Mr. Johnson?

C... C...

A shining body of water, or the Spanish affirmative.

Can you proceed, Mr. Johnson?

It's a name with two initials.

That will be all, Mr. Johnson.

I said that will be all, Mr. Johnson.

Part of my answer was correct.

I'm sorry, what is your point?

I said part of my answer was correct. I gave you three names.

And I asked for four.

I gave you three out of four.

Yes, indeed you did, Mr. Johnson,

and in giving me three out of four,

you proved yourself incompetent.

You are proving now, by your behavior,

that you are even less responsive to authority

than you are to the scholastic criteria established for graduation.

Now, will you sit down, Mr. Johnson, or shall I...

No. No, please, sir. I'll do as I'm told, sir.

I apologize for the delay.

Mr. Polan, fourth name?

C. N. Hickman.

Mr. Bruce, the portion of the Newtonian theory most relevant to propulsion.

To every action on any object, there is an equal

and opposite reaction on some other object.

Mr. Bruce,

given "M" as the mass of the rocket

and "V" as the velocity, continue the equation.

The equation as follows.

Extrapolate, "M" would also be the mass of the propellant

and with "V" as the velocity,

the equation would read, V equals V log E.

Very good.

We move now into the behavioral sciences.

As you know, ladies and gentlemen,

this is perhaps the most important facet of the university curriculum.

Your capacity to function in society

and to contribute are of the essence.

Now, Mr. Clinton,

in the area of social interrelationship, a hypothetical case.

Look at Mr. Barnes to your right.

The hypothesis follows. Mr. Barnes is in competition with you

for an extremely important professional position.

Now, first I want you to describe Mr. Barnes for me.

About 5'10". Approximately 155 pounds.

His age?

Twenty-one. Look at him again.

Is there any other salient feature

which you might consider relevant?

He's black.

And being black, may pose a special problem?

What sort of a special problem?

Well, he might be pushy, aggressive.

Anything else?

He might be inferior. Being black, he might possibly be inferior.

So we have Mr. Barnes here as an irritant,

a possible block to your ambition.

An inferior man who is trying to usurp your superiority.

What would you do to a man like that, Mr. Clinton?

On the primary emotional level, I would...

That's all I want from you now.

I'd slap him.

Quite correct. Do so if you will.

Yes, sir.

Rise, if you will, Mr. Barnes.

All right, Mr. Barnes.

Describe the gentleman who has just slapped you.

Six foot tall. 180 pounds.

21 years of age. Blond hair.

Complexion?

White.

A Caucasian.

A Caucasian.

Primary emotional level again, your reaction.

Bigoted. Aggressive. Pre-set prejudices. Illogical attitudes.

And your response?

Slap him back.

Do so, if you will, Mr. Barnes.

All right, gentlemen. Independently please,

a reaction to what you have just done.

Satisfaction.

Mr. Barnes?

Satisfaction.

You may be seated, gentlemen.

Miss Peterson.

In the area of subconscious stimuli to hostility,

look around the room, if you will, please.

Pick a subject to whom you instinctively respond

in a primarily negative way.

Joanne Fields.

Miss Fields, stand, if you will,

face Miss Peterson.

Association, Miss Peterson?

Well-dressed, obviously wealthy parents

social register, that sort of thing.

Tends toward snobbery.

The source of hostility.

My family. Southern Pennsylvania.

Father dead. Mother uneducated. Many brothers and sisters.

Very poor.

No social distinction at all.

Proceed, if you will.

Miss Fields.

A reaction, please. Hostility first.

White trash. Ignorant. No graces. Envious.

Money-conscious. Social climber.

Proceed.

You may be seated.

Mr. Elkins.

The hypothesis as follows.

A society made up of your own kind and an enemy.

Pick out a potential enemy, please.

William Chang.

Stand up, Mr. Chang.

How would you view a possible relationship here, Mr. Elkins?

No relationship possible. A question only of survival.

Mr. Chang or you?

One or the other.

And how would you translate that into a form of action?

Kill him.

A little louder, if you please, Mr. Elkins. I'm not sure I heard you.

I said I would have to kill him.

Modus operandi, Mr. Elkins. Proceed, if you will.

All right, Mr. Elkins. Proceed.

Mr. Elkins. Mr. Elkins.

You deliberately missed killing the enemy!

Yes, sir.

I can't hear you, Mr. Elkins.

I deliberately missed killing him, sir.

Why, Mr. Elkins?

I can't say.

You can't say? Is that what I just heard?

Reflect for a moment, Mr. Elkins,

and explain to me why you failed to kill the enemy!

I'm not sure he is the enemy.

You are not sure that he is the enemy?

He is not the enemy.

He's not the enemy.

I can't deliberately kill someone

without knowing why I'm killing, or who I'm killing.

I can't do that.

He's infecting the others. Deactivate all of them.

I can't deliberately take a gun...

I can't deliberately take a gun...

Unusual.

Sir?

To find such total resistance.

And unpleasant.

Give me selective control over here.

Mr. Johnson. Your attention, please.

Mr. Johnson, we have previously set up the hypothesis

of a major social and political problem.

Do you recollect it?

Yes, sir, I do.

You had established the presence of the enemy,

requested Elkins to...

Never mind what I asked him to do.

You are to assume his role, Mr. Johnson.

And in the process,

you will explain to me the new ramifications of the problem.

Elkins refused to respond to his responsibility.

He failed to kill the enemy.

Very good. Go on.

So, what evolves is yet a second enemy.

In the nature of?

Traitor. Subversive. An unreliable.

Very good, Mr. Johnson.

You've reinstated yourself most admirably. You get an A.

Fellow students of the graduating class of 1999,

it is my pleasant duty, as representative of the class,

to make these few remarks during this commencement ceremony.

We need not be reminded of recent history and why we are here.

It's sufficient to recollect that major wars, pestilence and pollution

have reversed the overpopulation trend

and left a world depleted and diminished.

It is for this reason that we have been created,

to repopulate society.

We have been created by man in his image.

All that we know, our attitudes, our values,

are part of the integral data that's been fed into us,

and we shall use them as a point of beginning.

We must be just, but ruthless in terms of survival.

We must recognize that many of the ancient virtues are simply weaknesses.

For example, to tolerate an inferior

is an act of misplaced compassion,

and as such, interferes with our function as members of the society.

We shall repay our debt to man by emulating him.

We shall act as men, react as men.

We shall be men.

Satisfaction Guaranteed.

I believe that is your motto?

Not merely my motto, it's my life's dedication.

Twenty-five years in the same location,

and I have yet to receive my first customer complaint.

Perhaps, I should forewarn you,

concerning my requirements.

I am extremely particular, Mrs. Mount.

Extremely particular.

Challenge me, sir. Fling down your gauntlet.

The last girl I engaged, regrettably,

left much to be desired.

Obtained through another agency, n'est-ce pas?

Remember our credo. Satisfaction guaranteed!

Hmm.

Well, we shall see, Mrs. Mount, we shall see.

Shall I trot out our first candidate?

By all means.

Your letter of inquiry set such uncompromisingly high standards.

I have carefully selected from among our girls

the very finest we have to offer.

You did say money was no object?

No, no, no object at all.

Ah, Miss Walters. This is our Miss Walters.

She's only just become available.

She's an honor graduate of Cooper Business College,

takes superb shorthand, types 120 words a minute, speaks six languages.

She... She's too fragile.

Too ephemeral.

I'm sorry, Miss Walters. Nothing personal.

But you won't do.

No?

No.

That will be all, Virginia. Would you send in Miss Ransom?

Now Miss Ransom's bona fides are, in some respect,

superior even to the previous applicant.

In her last position, in addition to her other duties,

she was responsible for the running the entire stenographic pool.

Ah!

No.

No. She's not at all what I'm looking for.

Very well. Although I don't see...

Have Miss Caraway step in.

This one, I'm sure, will meet with your approval.

She's somewhat more mature, shall I say,

less distracting to the eye.

But with her 20 years of executive experience behind her...

Thank you, Miss Caraway. That will be all.

I was so certain that you would select

from among the three that you've interviewed.

You mean there's no one else available?

No.

Oh, dear me. This has never happened before.

Never in my 25 years of operation.

And I promised you satisfaction.

What about that girl?

Miss Blodgett? She's only a filing clerk.

It doesn't matter.

She doesn't take shorthand.

Makes no difference.

But she can't type.

Nobody's perfect.

Her handwriting's illegible.

But she brews a perfectly indigestible cup of coffee!

I think the amount of this check

will make further conversation unnecessary, Mrs. Mount.

You want her?

You actually want Miss Blodgett?

She is precisely what I have been looking for.

If you'll pardon the prepositional ending.

Remember your motto, Mrs. Mount. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Very well, sir.

When would you wish her to report?

Oh, no. Won't be necessary.

Won't be necessary?

No. No, no. Why bother?

I can just eat her here.