Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

[ORGAN PLAYING WEDDING MARCH]

DEARLY BELOVED,

WE ARE GATHERED TOGETHER HERE IN THE SIGHT OF GOD

AND IN THE FACE OF THIS COMPANY

TO JOIN TOGETHER THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN IN HOLY MATRIMONY.

Woman, voice-over: WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING HERE?

HOW DID I GET INTO THIS, ANYWAY?

I DIDN’T THINK HE’D TAKE ME SERIOUSLY THAT AFTERNOON AT THE OFFICER’S CLUB.

[PLAYING ROMANTIC TUNE]

THEO, IF ONE LOVES ANOTHER PERSON,

THEN ONE KNOWS ALL SHE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT ME.

I MEAN...

THEO, MARRY ME.

[RESUMES PLAYING]

THEO, WE CAN’T DANCE TO THAT. GIVE US SOMETHING HOT.

[CHUCKLES] ALL RIGHT.

[PLAYS JAZZY TUNE]

DID YOU HEAR ME, THEO?

I SAID, MARRY ME!

[PEOPLE HOOTING, LAUGHING]

SURE, MARRY HIM! IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO GET RID OF HIM!

Man: TAKE HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY.

[PLAYING SLOW SONG]

THEO, LISTEN TO ME. THE SQUADRON’S BEEN ALERTED.

2 WEEKS, 3 WEEKS, AND THEN--

BUT I DON’T KNOW YOU. 3 DAYS.

YOU DON’T KNOW ME.

BUT I DO. I KNOW YOU.

I KNOW YOU, LIKE THE TOWN WHERE I GREW UP.

I KNOW YOU, LIKE THE TREE OUTSIDE

THE ROOM IN VERMONT IN WHICH I WAS BORN.

I KNOW YOU, LIKE I KNOW EVERY LEAF ON THAT TREE.

WHAT KIND OF A TREE IS IT?

UM...MAPLE?

[CHUCKLES] I LOVE VERMONT.

BUT MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE I’VE NEVER BEEN THERE.

AND I LOVE YOU.

BUT MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE I--

WE’VE GOT THE REST OF OUR LIVES TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

BUT RIGHT NOW, THEO, THERE’S SO LITTLE TIME,

SO LITTLE TIME.

I TELL YOU WHAT.

IF THAT TREE IS REALLY A MAPLE,

I’LL MARRY YOU.

[RESUMES PLAYING]

WHO GIVETH THIS WOMAN TO BE MARRIED TO THIS MAN?

Theo, voice-over: AM I DOING RIGHT,

JUST BECAUSE HE SENT ME \h\h\h\hA MAPLE LEAF?

SELLY, DID YOU EVER STUDY BOTANY?

HUH? WHAT?

DID YOU EVER STUDY BOTANY?

I’M HAPPY TO SAY I DID NOT.

IT WAS NOT INCLUDED IN THE CURRICULUM

OF EVANDER BUSINESS COLLEGE.

THEO! HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIN 3 YEARS

THAT SELLY LIKES SILENCE WITH HIS MARKET QUOTATIONS?

HERE, DEAR.

IT ISN’T 3 YEARS, MOTHER, DEAR.

YOU’VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED TO HIM TWO.

OH. HA HA!

ANYWAY, THIS IS SORT OF IMPORTANT.

BECAUSE IF THIS IS A MAPLE LEAF,

I’M ENGAGED.

THE BOY FROM BOSTON? BUT THE LETTER WAS POSTMARKED VERMONT.

WELL, HIS FAMILY KEEP AN APARTMENT IN BOSTON.

OH.

BUT THEIR REAL HOME IS IN VERMONT.

THEO, I’M GLAD FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY TO TALK TO YOU.

OH, YOUR ALUMINUM’S UP 3 POINTS, IRENE.

OH!

WHAT OPPORTUNITY?

NOW, I’M NOT GOING TO DOUBLE-TALK THIS MATTER, THEO.

"A"--I’VE SPOKEN TO BOSTON ABOUT THIS YOUNG MAN.

HE’S CHARMING, VERY YOUNG,

AND EXCEEDINGLY STUFFY, AS I UNDERSTAND IT.

"B"--HIS FATHER IS A SMALL MANUFACTURER,

APPARENTLY MORE INTERESTED IN THE QUALITY OF HIS GOODS

THAN THE AMOUNT OF MONEY HE MAKES.

"C"--THEIR HOME IS IN BOSTON, AND THAT’S WHERE YOUR HOME WILL BE.

AFTER THE WAR.

OH, THE WAR WILL BE OVER SOMETIME,

PERHAPS SOONER THAN YOU THINK.

AND WHEN IT IS, YOU’LL BE A BOSTON MATRON.

OOH!

AND "D"--

FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS YOUNG MAN,

HE’S PROBABLY THE SORT WHO’D EVEN EXPECT

TO HAVE A BABY THE FIRST YEAR.

ANY MORE LETTERS IN YOUR LIST?

MM-HMM. STRAIGHT THROUGH THE ALPHABET.

STRANGE, THE ONLY THING THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED

THAT YOU DIDN’T IS, "DO I LOVE HIM?"

OH, OF COURSE YOU LOVE HIM.

AT YOUR AGE, A GIRL’S IN LOVE WITH HER OWN SHADOW.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

YES?

CAPTAIN LANCING IS HERE, MADAM.

OOH!

UM...ASK HIM TO WAIT.

DARLING, I’M PERFECTLY WILLING TO ADMIT

THAT FIRST MARRIAGES SHOULD BE ROMANTIC,

BUT WHY CAN’T YOU BE ROMANTIC ABOUT MILES LANCING?

AFTER ALL, HE LEADS OUR SORT OF LIFE, AND--

MOTHER. ALL I WANTED TO KNOW

WHEN I CAME INTO THIS ROOM-- IS THIS A MAPLE LEAF?

OH, YES, DEAR, IT IS A MAPLE LEAF!

THANK YOU.

THEO! I’M WARNING YOU NOW,

IF YOU MARRY THAT YOUNG MAN, YOU’LL NEVER MAKE A GO OF IT!

THAT’S WHAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT YOUR LAST 3 HUSBANDS,

BUT YOU WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME.

OH!

WELL?

COME ON, THEO, SIT DOWN ON THIS HARD ANTIQUE

AND FEEL WHAT IT’S LIKE WAITING FOR YOU

ALL THESE MONTHS.

MILES, HAVEN’T YOU HEARD ABOUT TOM AND ME?

NO, BOSTON OFFICER’S CLUB HEARD ABOUT IT.

"I SAID, MARRY ME!"

[LAUGHING]

MILEY-WILEY, YOU’RE NOT TO REMIND ME THAT I WENT TO BOSTON TO SEE YOU.

I WAS JUST WAITING TO SEE HOW SERIOUS IT WAS.

OH.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM?

WHOM? YOUR INTENDED.

WELL, HE’S A MAN FROM VERMONT,

BORN UNDER A MAPLE TREE,

AND...WELL, THAT’S ALL I NEED TO KNOW.

I’LL TELL YOU MORE.

HE’S A CRACK FLIER, THE BEST WE’VE GOT.

EVERYBODY LIKES HIM, ME INCLUDED.

HE WORKS HARD, AND HE LIVES HARD,

AND HE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU.

[CHUCKLES] BUT DON’T MARRY HIM.

DON’T EVEN MARRY ME.

I LOVE YOU, THEO, BUT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT, I--

I LIKE YOU.

YOU’VE ALMOST MARRIED ME 6 TIMES. HA!

LAST MONTH, YOU ALMOST MARRIED ROGER POOLE.

3 MONTHS AGO, THAT P-38 BENDER FROM TEXAS.

WE’RE ALL JUST A LOT OF GUYS IN A GRAB BAG TO YOU.

WELL, I--

WAIT TILL AFTER THE WAR, HONEY.

MAYBE THERE’LL STILL BE TOM OR ROG OR...EVEN ME.

NO, I--I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE WAR.

HE MIGHT NEVER COME BACK.

AND IF HE DOES AND WE FIND THAT IT’S WRONG, WELL--

THEN YOU’VE ALWAYS GOT YOUR MOTHER’S LIFE TO FOLLOW AFTER, HUH?

WELL...

THEO...

THERE’S ONLY ONE THING THAT MATTERS,

BUT IT MATTERS VERY MUCH.

YOU CAN BE HONEST WITH ME.

DO YOU LOVE TOM?

I DO.

\h\h\h\h[ORGAN PLAYS WEDDING RECESSIONAL]

[APPLAUSE]

[SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

I DON’T BELIEVE I--

YOU DON’T BELIEVE YOU KNOW ME?

MY DEAR, I’M YOUR FATHER.

OH.

OH, I’M SO SORRY.

[CHUCKLES] WELL, YOU NEEDN’T BE, REALLY.

UM, THIS IS MY HUSBAND, LIEUTENANT TOM WEST.

HOW DO YOU DO, LIEUTENANT?

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?

DO YOU, UH, MIND IF I DANCE WITH MY DAUGHTER?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I LIKE HIM, AND I THINK I LIKE YOU.

HA HA! DID YOU COME ALL THE WAY

FROM CALIFORNIA JUST FOR THIS?

MM-HMM. [CHUCKLES]

TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE LIKE.

WE’VE GOT A 15-YEAR GAP TO MAKE UP.

HAVE YOU LEARNED ANYTHING?

OH, I’M AFRAID I DON’T KNOW VERY MUCH.

I’VE SPENT SUMMERS IN RENO AND WINTERS ON THE RIVIERA,

AND I CAN ORDER IN FRENCH, BUT I CAN’T SPELL IN ENGLISH.

OH, AND MOTHER DOESN’T APPROVE OF MY MARRIAGE.

THAT’S NOTHING. SHE HASN’T APPROVED OF ANY OF HERS.

[BOTH LAUGH]

WHY DID YOU REBEL AGAINST HER AND MARRY TOM?

OH, I DIDN’T REBEL AGAINST HER, REALLY.

SHE JUST THINKS I DID,

’CAUSE I KNOW THAT SHE STILL BELIEVES

THAT FIRST MARRIAGES SHOULD BE ROMANTIC, AND SO DO I.

WELL, I DIDN’T MEAN TO SHOCK YOU.

I LOVE TOM, FATHER. I LOVE HIM TERRIBLY MUCH,

BUT I’VE ONLY KNOWN HIM 2 WEEKS.

OH, AND HE’S GOING OVERSEAS IN ANOTHER 2 WEEKS.

WELL?

THIS ISN’T LIKE MARRIAGE USED TO BE, I GUESS.

THIS ISN’T MARRIAGE AT ALL.

AND IF YOU’RE LIKE YOUR MOTHER, YOU NEVER WILL BE MARRIED.

BUT I SOMEHOW THINK THAT YOU’RE NOT LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

I WISH WE’D MET SOONER.

SO DO I.

MEANWHILE, DO SOMETHING FOR ME AND FOR YOURSELF.

IF SOMEDAY YOU SUDDENLY KNOW CLEARLY

THAT YOU BELONG TO THIS BOY FOR GOOD,

WIRE ME TO SAN FRANCISCO...

AND I’LL WISH YOU ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD.

LOOK HERE, DON’T I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE?

WELL, UH, HAVE YOU BEEN UP IN THE ATTIC LATELY?

Irene: ED!

15 YEARS. YOU HAVEN’T CHANGED A BIT.

HA! OH, REALLY?

A COMPLIMENT FROM YOU?

WELL, THAT ALL DEPENDS ON WHETHER OR NOT

ONE BELIEVES PEOPLE SHOULD CHANGE.

OHHH?

Tom: HONEY, MOTHER’S WAITING TO SEE YOU.

OH, YES.

THEO, I HAVEN’T SEEN NEARLY ENOUGH OF YOU,

BUT THEN, I GUESS NEITHER HAS TOM.

THE HOUSE IN VERMONT’S READY FOR YOU.

AND YOUR ROOM.

IT’S AN IMPORTANT ROOM TO US WESTS.

TOM’S FATHER AND I SPENT OUR HONEYMOON THERE,

AND TOM WAS BORN THERE.

HE’S TOLD ME MORE ABOUT THE TREE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW

THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

I HOPE YOU’LL BE AS HAPPY AS TOM’S FATHER AND I HAVE BEEN.

I’M TERRIBLY SORRY MR. WEST COULDN’T COME.

IS HE FEELING BETTER?

OH, YES, HE’S FINE TODAY.

I’M GOING TO TAKE HIM A PIECE OF WEDDING CAKE TO THE HOSPITAL.

\h\h\h\hWELL, I HOPE YOU’LL GIVE HIM MY LOVE,

AND TOM AND I WILL DROP IN ON HIM WHEN WE GET BACK FROM VERMONT.

I IMAGINE I’LL BE SEEING YOU?

I RATHER IMAGINE YOU WILL.

EXCUSE US, MOTHER.

HONEY, SHOULDN’T I DANCE WITH THE OTHERS?

WELL, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DANCE ANYMORE WITH ANYONE.

SEE THAT SCREEN OVER THERE?

YES.

WELL, UH, BEHIND THAT SCREEN IS VERMONT.

OH, OH, OH, OH!

GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOM.

HELLO, TAD.

WELL, IT WAS A GOOD SHOW. WE CRIED.

DON’T YOU THINK THE BRIDE OUGHT TO KISS ME?

OF COURSE. KISS HIM, THEO.

WELL, SURE!

WHO ARE YOU?!

OH, I’M SORRY, I DON’T KNOW

WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH ME TODAY.

THIS IS MR. AND MRS. MORTIMER-- TED AND SISSY.

Both: HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?

AND THIS IS-- I KNOW. JOE MURDOCK.

BEST MAN. I’VE KISSED HIM ALREADY.

NOT ENOUGH TO COUNT. OH?

WHOA!

FORGIVE US FOR WAYLAYING YOU LIKE THIS,

BUT WE WANTED TO HAVE A MOMENT ALONE WITH YOU.

YOU SEE, THE 4 OF US SORT OF GREW UP TOGETHER.

AND WE’RE AWFUL INTERESTED TO SEE WHO WOULD MARRY TOM.

HAVEN’T I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE MORTIMERS AND JOE?

I CAN’T IMAGINE WHAT YOU WERE WASTING YOUR TIME

DOING THE 3 TIMES YOU’VE MET IF YOU WEREN’T TALKING ABOUT US.

WELL, LET’S PUT THIS THING ON A FRANK, BUSINESS-LIKE BASIS.

WE’RE TOM’S BEST FRIENDS,

AND YOU BETTER DECIDE YOU LIKE US,

OR YOU’LL WISH YOU’D NEVER BEEN BORN.

I THINK THE BRIDE’S BEGINNING TO WISH THAT ALREADY.

DO TELL US ALL ABOUT YOURSELVES.

WE MISS THIS TRAIN, THERE’S ANOTHER ONE TOMORROW NIGHT.

[ALL LAUGH]

WILL I SEE YOU AFTER TOM GOES OVERSEAS?

Sissy: YOU’LL HAVE TO BE AWFUL INGENIOUS TO AVOID IT.

OH, FINE. BYE!

All: GOOD-BYE!

[COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[SIGHS]

THEO.

IT’S A NICE FACE.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHOSE? YOURS.

DID YOU WAKE ME UP JUST TO TELL ME THAT?

I DIDN’T WAKE YOU UP.

I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR FACE, AND YOU WOKE UP.

I LIKE IT, YOUR FACE.

I MARRIED A ZOMBIE WHO GETS UP AT DAWN

AND LOOKS INTO PEOPLE’S FACES.

WELL, IT’S YOUR OWN FAULT.

IF YOU’D ASKED ME, I’D HAVE TOLD YOU I WAS A ZOMBIE.

WHAT’S THE MATTER?

DID YOU FORGET WHAT I LOOK LIKE?

MM-HMM.

WELL, HONEY, IT’S THE SAME OLD MAP.

IT’S A NEW MAP TO ME.

MIGHTY PRETTY COUNTRY,

BUT I DON’T KNOW MY WAY AROUND,

AND I DON’T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE VERY GOOD.

LOOK, YOUNG MAN, TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.

HMM. WELL...

I WAS BORN.

I KNOW, RIGHT IN THIS VERY ROOM.

THAT’S AS FAR AS WE’VE EVER GOTTEN.

GO ON.

SCHOOL, VERMONT...

AND BOSTON, HIGH SCHOOL.

EDUCATION, FAIR.

CONDUCT, EXEMPLARY.

UH-HUH. ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?

MM-HMM, YOU BET!

I CAN DESIGN LENSES LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS.

LEARNED HOW TO MAKE THEM BY HAND WHEN I WAS A KID.

WELL, DO TELL.

DON’T WORRY, I WILL.

IN MY BLOOD. GLASS IN MY BLOOD.

INHERITED? YEP. FROM MY FATHER.

BEST LENS DESIGNER THIS SIDE OF THE ATLANTIC.

AND IT’LL BE IN OUR SON’S BLOOD, TOO.

WELL, THAT’S A PRETTY THOUGHT.

MM-HMM.

MY, BUT YOU LOOK COMFORTABLE.

MM-HMM.

BUT DON’T YOU JUST HATE PEOPLE WHO LIE IN BED

AFTER THEY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

LAZY, THAT’S WHAT THEY ARE. COME ON.

RIGHT.

ANYTHING LESS SHOWS A POSITIVE LACK OF CHARACTER.

YOU BET!

AND IF THERE’S ONE THING I APPROVE OF, IT’S CHARACTER.

IF THERE’S ONE THING I APPROVE OF, BABY, IT’S YOU.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU KNOW SOMETHING, TOM? HMM?

I’M HUNGRY. I’M ALWAYS HUNGRY.

WHAT TIME IS BREAKFAST?

FLORA WILL HAVE IT READY FOR US

AS SOON AS WE GET BACK FROM THE LAKE.

OH. WELL SHE BETTER HAVE PLENTY OF IT.

PIG.

MM-HMM.

OH, TOM!

[GIGGLES] TOM, THIS IS THE NICEST TIME I EVER HAD.

YOU SAID THAT LIKE YOU’D SAY,

"THIS IS THE NICEST HOUSE PARTY I WAS EVER ON."

WELL, IT IS. I LIKE BEING MARRIED.

ME, TOO.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

OH, MR. TOM?

YOU ASKED ME TO CALL YOU WHEN THE HORSES WERE READY.

DID, UH, YOU HEAR ANYTHING?

MM-MMM, JUST A BUZZING IN MY EARS.

AH, AH, AH. THE HORSES ARE READY.

[THUNDER]

LOOKS LIKE WE’LL NEED OUR BATHING SUITS BEFORE WE REACH THE LAKE.

UH-HUH.

I THINK WE BETTER STOP SOMEWHERE, OR WE’LL GET DRENCHED.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THE RIDGE?

NO, THERE’S A PLACE FURTHER UP, BELONGS TO THE PARKERS.

WELL, LET’S GO. COME ON.

[THUNDER]

OH!

THIS IS WHERE THEY USED TO LEAVE THE KEY.

YEP, HERE IT IS.

OH!

NOW, YOU HURRY AND GET THOSE WET CLOTHES OFF.

ALL RIGHT, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

GET THE HORSES UNDER COVER. WELL, CAN’T I HELP?

YOU CAN GET INSIDE BEFORE YOU TAKE COLD.

I WON’T HAVE A BRIDE WITH A RUNNY NOSE.

DON’T FORGET THE SADDLEBAG.

I WON’T.

Theo: TOM?

YEAH?

HURRY WITH THE WOOD.

ALL RIGHT.

FRED PARKER, I TOLD YOU TO DIET YEARS AGO.

WHERE ARE YOU?

IN THE KITCHEN.

OK.

HEY. WHAT’S THE MATTER?

WHERE’D YOU GET THAT?

THE APRON? I FOUND IT HANGING OVER THERE.

WELL...AREN’T YOU AFRAID YOU’LL CATCH COLD?

WHY? MY BATHING SUIT’S MADE OF WOOL,

AND THAT’S THE ONLY THING I HAD THAT WASN’T WET.

[WHISTLES]

NOW, JUST STAND THERE, PUT THE WOOD DOWN.

HEY, WHAT’S DOING HERE?

I FOUND SOME FLOUR, AND I’M MAKING PANCAKES.

PANCAKES? MM-HMM.

THEO, PLEASE BREAK THIS TO ME VERY GENTLY.

IT’S A SHOCK FROM WHICH I MAY NEVER RECOVER.

CAN, UH... YOU COOK?

OF COURSE I CAN, SILLY. WHY SHOULDN’T I?

WELL, IT DOESN’T USUALLY GO WITH, UH...

WITH WHAT?

WELL, UH, WITH, UH...

EVERYTHING.

OH. ONE OF MY MOTHER’S HUSBANDS COOKED AS A HOBBY.

REALLY? UH-HUH.

HE TAUGHT ME WHEN I WAS 14.

\h\h\h\hAREN’T THEY PRETTY? MM-HMM.

TOO BAD YOUR MOTHER COULDN’T HAVE STAYED MARRIED TO HIM.

WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

I’D HAVE TO LOOK THAT UP.

HE WAS NUMBER 2. COME ON.

I’M DREAMING.

PANCAKES WITH MELTED BUTTER AND WARM SYRUP.

IT JUST AIN’T SO.

THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR MARRYING A GIRL YOU DON’T KNOW VERY WELL.

MY POSSIBILITIES ARE PRACTICALLY UNLIMITED.

THAT GIVES ME SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

WHAT’S THE LAST ONE LIKE? SELWORTH?

OH, A HUSBAND. I MEAN, A HUSBAND.

WHEREAS YOU, MY DARLING, ARE A HUSBAND.

AND I’M NOT MARRIED TO YOUR MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS 19.

I’M MARRIED TO YOU.

OH, KISS ME AND SHUT UP.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAT’S NICE. MM-HMM.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHO’S THIS? AUNT CLARA.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH. AND-- UNCLE JOHN.

OH, WHAT A CUTE BABY.

[LAUGHING]

HONEY, THAT’S YOU! OH, NO!

[CAT MEOWS]

TOM, LOOK.

[MEOW]

THAT’S DUKE.

OH.

COME ON, DUKE. JOIN THE PARTY.

HELLO, DUKEY, OLD BOY.

HOW ARE YOU, HUH?

Tom: DON’T MOVE, DARLING.

THIS IS IT.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO REMEMBER.

[CHUCKLES]

TOM, YOUR MOTHER’S VERY BEAUTIFUL.

HOW MANY YEARS HAS SHE BEEN MARRIED?

MOTHER AND DAD CELEBRATED THEIR 30th ANNIVERSARY LAST MONTH.

30 YEARS?

MM-HMM. 30 YEARS.

30 YEARS OF MARRIAGE TO ONE MAN.

THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.

YOU FEEL IT WHEN YOU’RE WITH THEM.

YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT TED AND SISSY MORTIMER.

THE PEOPLE YOU MET ON OUR WAY OUT OF THE RECEPTION.

THEY’VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED 2 YEARS, BUT YOU KNOW IT’S GOING TO LAST.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLOOK, TOM. HMM?

I KNOW WHY I MARRIED YOU,

BUT WHY DID YOU MARRY ME?

OH, BECAUSE I LIKE THE WAY YOU DO YOUR HAIR

AND THE CRAZY WAY YOU THINK.

NO, I WANT TO KNOW.

BECAUSE, YOU SEE, I’M REALLY NOT MUCH LIKE YOUR MOTHER

OR...OR YOUR FRIEND SISSY.

YOU WILL BE, THEO.

BUT WHO IS THEO?

WELL, IF I DON’T KNOW MYSELF...

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

THEO’S A GIRL WHO DOES HER HAIR NICE, THINKS CRAZY,

AND HAS A VERY PRETTY BACK OF THE NECK.

YOU DON’T KNOW ME, TOM.

I WARNED YOU IN THE BEGINNING YOU DIDN’T.

OH, RIGHT. AND IF YOU WANT TO SCARE ME,

TELL ME ALL THE AWFUL FACTS, AND I’LL TRY TO FIGURE OUT

FOR BOTH OF US WHO YOU ARE.

WELL, NUMBER 1...

THE ONLY WAY I PASSED ALGEBRA

WAS BY HAVING ANSWERS IN MY VANITY CASE.

TSK, TSK, TSK.

2...

I’LL OPEN YOUR MAIL

EVERY CHANCE I GET.

[WHISTLES]

WELL? 3?

3 MUST BE A LULU.

HONEY, YOU’RE CRYING.

NO. NO, I’M NOT.

ONLY, TOM... YOU SAID SOMETHING UP AT THE CABIN.

YEAH, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, I ADMIRED YOUR COOKING.

NO, NO, NO.

YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T MARRIED TO MY MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS 19.

OH.

WELL, MAYBE YOU ARE...

OR SOMEONE LIKE HER.

UH-UH.

BUT IF YOU WERE?

LOOK, HONEY, THIS THING YOU’VE GOT YOURSELF INTO WITH ME,

IT’S UNTIL FOREVER FREEZES OVER,

FROM NOW ON IN.

BUT, TOM, I’M SCARED.

MAYBE EVERYBODY’S SCARED WHEN THEY’RE FIRST MARRIED.

I DON’T KNOW.

BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE SCARED, TOM.

I WANT TO GO ON HAVING FUN.

MAYBE I CAN IF YOU’LL PROMISE ME ONE THING.

ANYTHING, DARLING.

THAT IF EITHER OF US FINDS THAT WE’VE MADE A MISTAKE,

WE’LL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

WE WON’T TRY TO HOLD EACH OTHER AND...

IS THAT WHY YOU CAN’T HAVE FUN?

OH, NO, DARLING, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

I WANT TO BE LIKE YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FRIEND SISSY.

I WANT TO, TOM. I WANT TO SO MUCH.

OF COURSE. IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT, OF COURSE, THEO.

BUT WHAT A WAY TO THINK ON YOUR HONEYMOON.

[DUKE MEOWING]

EVEN A CAT CAN CHANGE ITS MIND.

NOW DUKE WANTS OUT.

THEO, I WANT TO SAY ONE THING.

WE’VE BEEN BROUGHT UP TO LOOK AT A LOT OF THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

BUT WE’RE MARRIED NOW, AND WE’VE GOT TO...

LEARN TO SEE SOME THINGS ALIKE.

YES, TOM.

[DUKE MEOWS]

COME ON, DUKEY, OLD BOY.

OUT YOU GO.

HONEY, WE’VE GOT A LIFE TO LIVE TOGETHER.

IT MUST BE BASED ON BELIEVING THE SAME THINGS,

ON TRUTH.

TRUSTING EACH OTHER.

THOSE ARE EASY WORDS TO SAY, THEO,

BUT WE MUST BE SURE WE MEAN THE SAME THING WHEN WE SAY THEM.

WHAT’S THE MATTER? HAVE I GOT AN ANGRY WIFE ALREADY?

NO, DEAR, NOT ANGRY.

I WAS, UH, JUST LETTING THE CAT OUT.

OUT OF THE BAG, YOU MIGHT SAY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, I HAVE HERE, YOUNG MAN, 2 LEAVES.

THE WET LEAF IS FROM THE TREE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW,

THE MAPLE UNDER WHICH YOU WERE BORN.

YES, IT’S WET, ALL RIGHT.

AND THE DRY LEAF IS THE LEAF YOU SENT ME,

ALSO FROM THE MAPLE UNDER WHICH YOU WERE BORN.

NOW, AS YOU CAN SEE, THEY ARE TWO DECIDEDLY DIFFERENT LEAVES.

YES.

ONE OF THEM IS A MAPLE, AND ONE IS NOT.

NOW, THE QUESTION IS, WHICH?

OR WERE YOU BORN?

[STAMMERING] YES, I WAS BORN

UNDER, UM...

UNDER THAT ONE. THE STURDY OAK.

AH, AH, AH!

THAT’S WHAT I MEANT TO SAY THAT NIGHT,

BUT IT CAME OUT "MAPLE."

WHAT? I MEAN, IT CAME OUT OAK.

OH, SUCH EASY WORDS TO SAY.

"I WAS BORN UNDER A MAPLE TREE."

BUT WE MUST BE SURE WE MEAN THE SAME THINGS WHEN WE SAY THEM.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHONEY-- OH, WHAT A LIAR! OH!

WELL, HONEY, HOW DID I KNOW WHAT KIND OF A TREE IT WAS?

AND THEN YOU PINNED ME DOWN, AND I HAD TO WALK 3 MILES SHINNYING TREES

LOOKING FOR A MAPLE LEAF TO SEND YOU.

WELL, WHAT DOES THAT PROVE? AND ANOTHER THING.

YES, SWEETIE.

THE NEXT TIME YOU FEEL RIGHTEOUS AND START A LECTURE,

JUST REMEMBER THIS: THE MAPLE LEAF, FOREVER.

DON’T WORRY, I WILL.

OH, NO, YOU DON’T! HEY, COME BACK HERE!

HEY! WHY, YOU LITTLE--

[SHRIEKS]

YOU LIAR! NO!

YOU GIRL CHASER! TOM, DON’T!

DARLING, NO! HA HA!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YES, WHAT’S THE MATTER, FLORA?

I’M SORRY, MR. TOM. THE TELEGRAPH OFFICE IN THE VILLAGE

JUST PHONED THIS MESSAGE IN.

THANK YOU, FLORA.

[SIGHS]

WHAT’S THE MATTER, TOM?

MY FATHER DIED THIS EVENING.

I’M SORRY, DARLING.

WE’LL HAVE TO GET DOWN TO MOTHER.

OF COURSE, DEAR.

I’LL PACK US BOTH.

NOW, LET’S TRY TO SHOW TOM A GOOD TIME

WHEN HE COMES BACK FROM HIS MOTHER’S.

BAD ENOUGH YOU FOLKS HAD TO LOSE HALF YOUR HONEYMOON.

WELL, WE HAVEN’T REALLY LOST IT.

STAYING HERE WITH YOU HAS BEEN JUST AS IMPORTANT TO US.

WELL, AT LEAST TO ME, AS THOSE FEW DAYS IN VERMONT.

NOW, THAT, DEAR THEO, IS THE MOST PROFOUND WHITE LIE I EVER HEARD.

[ALL LAUGH]

IT MUST SOUND LIKE A WHOPPER,

AND IT WOULD BE ONE IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE TWO OF YOU.

YOU SEE, I’VE NEVER LIVED WITH ANYBODY BEFORE

WHO WAS REALLY MARRIED.

GOSH, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WITH MY MOTHER.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

THAT MUST BE TOM.

HELLO, TOM.

HELLO, TED. SORRY TO BE LATE.

AH, THAT’S ALL RIGHT.

ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

HELLO, SISSY.

Sissy: HELLO, TOM.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHELLO, DARLING. HELLO, HONEY.

YOU’RE JUST IN TIME, TOM. WE’RE ONE UP ON YOU.

[TED CHUCKLES]

HOW’S EVERYTHING? HOW’S YOUR MOTHER FEELING?

MOTHER’S FINE. SHE, UM...

EVEN TOOK FINE THE NEWS I’M LEAVING TOMORROW.

TOMORROW?

OH.

OH, TOM.

YOUR ORDERS COME THROUGH, TOM?

I DIDN’T GET MINE YET,

BUT SOME OF THE GUYS IN THE SQUADRON I TALKED TO DID.

I’LL BE GETTING IT HERE TONIGHT.

WOW, THAT GIVES US SOMETHING TO TOAST, ALL RIGHT.

TO--

LET ME DO IT, WILL YOU TED?

I’VE GOT A SUPERSTITIOUS HUNCH I’M THE ONE.

I HAVE A VISION--

A POST-WAR VISION.

IT ISN’T MUCH, BUT I LIKE IT.

IT’S THAT RED-BRICK APARTMENT HOUSE ON THE CHARLES RIVER

I WATCHED THEM PUTTING UP ALL LAST YEAR.

6 ROOMS, SLICK KITCHEN...

AND, UH...THEO TRYING TO KEEP THE FLOORS WAXED

AFTER OUR SON GETS THROUGH DERAILING HIS ELECTRIC TRAIN AT EVERY TURN.

HERE’S TO IT.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

THAT’S A $1.98 VISION IF I EVER HEARD ONE, TOM.

MAYBE, BUT THE GUYS WHO’VE COME BACK

TELL ME THE THINGS YOU DREAM ABOUT

WHEN YOU’RE OXYGEN-HAPPY ARE JUST THAT SORT OF THING--

REAL AND SHARP.

NOT ROAMING THROUGH A FIELD OF FLOWERS

WITH THE WOMAN YOU LOVE.

Ted: IT’S FOR YOU, TOM.

THANK YOU.

THIS WOULDN’T BE IT.

YOU OPEN IT FOR LUCK.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT ISN’T?

BECAUSE THEY DON’T SEND YOU ONE COPY OF ANYTHING.

SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO PAUL REVERE

IF HE’D WAITED WHILE "1 BY LAND, 2 IF BY SEA"

WAS BEING MULTIGRAPHED FOR 5,000...

WHAT’S THE MATTER, HONEY?

WELL, IT’S FROM COLONEL RAIBORN, ALL RIGHT,

BUT...IT DOESN’T SEEM TO BE AN ORDER.

"BEEN FIGHTING FOR YOU ALL DAY, ROOM BY ROOM IN THE PENTAGON BUILDING,

USING EVERY WEAPON SHORT OF A TOMMY GUN, BUT--"

FIGHTING FOR ME?

"BUT THE WAR INDUSTRY BOARD HAS WON OUT."

THE WAR INDUSTRY BOARD!

"THEY SAY THEIR RANGE-FINDERS CAN’T BE PROPERLY DESIGNED WITHOUT YOU,

"NOW THAT YOUR FATHER’S GONE.

MAYBE THEY’RE RIGHT, TOM, BUT I’M SORRY TO LOSE YOU."

WELL...I UNDERSTAND ONE THING, ANYWAY.

A GENT FROM WASHINGTON CAME TO SEE ME LAST WEEK ABOUT JOE MURDOCK,

ASKING IF I THOUGHT HE COULD MANAGE THE FIRM ALONE.

I LIED LIKE A TROOPER ABOUT HIS DRINKING,

BUT THEY SEEMED TO HAVE THE DOPE ON HIM ANYWAY.

I DON’T GET IT.

THEY CAN’T DISCHARGE YOU FROM THE ARMY, CAN THEY?

THEY DON’T NEED TO. JUST MAKE MY COMMISSION INACTIVE

UNTIL THE RANGE FINDERS ARE ALL FIGURED OUT AND THE WAR IS OVER.

AT THE RISK OF GETTING MY PRETTY WHITE NECK BROKEN,

MAY I REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE 7 MILLION GUYS

IN THE ARMY WHO WOULD GIVE THEIR RIGHT--

SURE THERE ARE, AND I’D PROBABLY BE

6.5 MILLION OF THEM MYSELF AFTER I GOT OVERSEAS,

BUT THEY CAN’T DO THIS \h\h\h\hTO ME NOW.

AW...

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I’LL TAKE IT, TED.

EXCUSE ME, DARLING.

HELLO, DARLING.

JOE, PLEASE!

AREN’T YOU A LITTLE TIGHT?

OH, I JUST HAD A COUPLE.

I COULD STAND A COUPLE MORE, THOUGH.

HELLO, THEO.

HELLO, JOE.

WELL, HOW ARE YOU, BOYS?

UH, LET’S START YOU OFF RIGHT

BY TELLING YOU THAT THE BAR’S CLOSED

TO EVERYONE EXCEPT TOM.

WELL...

WHAT CAN AIL THEE, KNIGHT-AT-ARMS?

WELL, JOE, I, UH...

THE WAR INDUSTRY BOARD HAS DEMANDED THAT

TOM’S COMMISSION BE MADE INACTIVE,

SO THAT HE CAN HELP YOU TURN OUT RANGE FINDERS.

WHAT?

W--WELL, THAT’S NONSENSE!

I CAN TAKE CARE OF IT ALONE.

WELL, THEY HAVEN’T ANY RIGHT TO DO THIS!

WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH THE WAY I RUN THE PLANT?

WELL, IF WE’RE GOING OUT TO DINNER,

YOU BOYS BETTER MAKE IT SNAPPY.

LET’S GET OUR THINGS, HONEY.

LOOK, TOM, I THINK I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

I KNOW YOU DO, JOE, AND I DON’T BLAME YOU FOR WHAT’S HAPPENED.

OF COURSE YOU DO, AND YOU SHOULD!

\h\h\h\hBUT THIS ISN’T THE END OF THIS THING.

I’M GOING TO LAY OFF EVERYTHING EXCEPT HARD WORK

UNTIL I CAN CONVINCE THOSE GUYS IN WASHINGTON

THAT THEY CAN LET YOU GO.

I MEAN IT, TOM, I MEAN IT!

I’M GOING TO REMIND YOU EVERY DAY THAT YOU SAID THAT

EVEN IF YOU WERE DRINKING WHILE YOU SAID IT.

[SISSY LOCKS DOOR]

I KNOW, DARLING.

TOM’S GOING TO BE TOUGH FOR A WHILE.

YOU CAN’T BLAME HIM.

I HAD A LITTLE BIT OF THE SAME BATTLE WITH TED

WHEN HE WAS REJECTED.

IT ISN’T THAT THEY LIKE THE ARMY. IT’S THEIR PRIDE.

OH, TOM WILL BE OK, SISSY.

HE’S GOT STUFF.

BUT HOW DO I KNOW I HAVE?

THE STUFF IT TAKES, I MEAN.

I DON’T QUITE GET YOU.

WELL, I--I HADN’T FIGURED ON THIS,

NOT SO SOON, ANYWAY.

THAT POSTWAR VISION OF TOM’S--

THE APARTMENT, KITCHEN, BOSTON.

IT’S RIGHT HERE, SISSY,

PRACTICALLY BREATHING ON MY NECK.

YOU’LL MANAGE.

MMM, BUT WILL I?

A HONEYMOON, HOTELS, AND LOTS OF LAUGHS--

THAT’S MY SPEED.

BUT THIS WIFE AND CARPET SLIPPER BUSINESS--

OH, IT’LL WORK OUT, DARLING. WE’LL ALL HELP YOU.

OH, GOSH, SISSY, WHAT MUST YOU THINK OF ME

SITTING HERE, GRIPING,

WHEN I OUGHT TO BE DOWN ON MY KNEES

GIVING THANKS THAT TOM ISN’T

FLYING AROUND UP THERE GETTING SHOT AT?

I AM THANKFUL, SISSY, I REALLY AM,

AND I’LL BE A MODEL WIFE EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!

Officer: HOW DO YOU DO?

Woman: HELLO, JOE.

HELLO, MOTHER WEST.

WELL, HOW ARE YOU?

FINE, DARLING.

WHERE’S TOM?

OH, HE’S TAKING HIS IN-LAWS

ON A PERSONALLY CONDUCTED TOUR OF THE PREMISES.

Tom:...THAT BRINGS US RIGHT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM, AGAIN.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHELLO, JOE. HELLO, TOM.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THE KITCHEN?

OH, NEXT TRIP.

I THINK IT WAS MARVELOUS LUCK,

THE CHILDREN FINDING A PLACE LIKE THIS.

LUCK, NOTHING. I’VE HAD MY EYE

ON THIS APARTMENT HOUSE FOR 2 YEARS.

OH, REALLY. A YEAR AND A HALF BEFORE YOU MET THEO, EH?

YOU KNOW, HOMEMAKER’S INSTINCT, DARLING.

WE CAN’T ALL LIVE IN HOTEL APARTMENTS

ON SHORT-TERM LEASES, YOU KNOW.

WELL, AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE TO

GUIDE YOU AROUND OUR HAPPY LITTLE HOME.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IN-LAWS LIKE THAT HAVE THEIR VIRTUE, TOO.

AT LEAST YOU CAN’T IMAGINE HER WANTING TO LIVE WITH YOU.

THAT’S RIGHT. LET’S HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT.

OK.

Joe: HELLO, THEO. HOW ARE YOU, SISSY?

HELLO, JOE.

JOSEPH, TRY SOME OF MY WIFE’S HOMEMADE CAKE.

DID YOU BAKE THAT THING?

WELL, I CERTAINLY DID.

I NEVER WOULD HAVE BELIEVED THAT ANYTHING SHORT

OF AN ASSEMBLY LINE WOULD HAVE TURNED YOU INTO A HOUSEWIFE.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I’LL SEE WHO IT IS.

WHAT’S THE SECRET OF YOUR TATTLETALE GRAY ICING, MRS. WEST?

SISSY. SHE’S MY SECRET.

I COULDN’T GET ALONG WITHOUT THIS GAL.

WHO COULD?

JOE, YOU SHOULDN’T SAY--

Irene: THEO! OH, TH--OH, UH. OH!

EXCUSE ME, I, UH, JUST WANT TO TALK TO THEO FOR MINUTE.

OH, UH, THEO,

OH, DARLING, I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

THEO, DO YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR FIGURE?

WELL IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE,

BECAUSE I’M GOING TO LOSE IT ANYWAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

[GASPS]

THEO, ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A BABY?

UH-HUH, AND YOU’RE THE FIRST TO KNOW.

WELL, THAT’S HARDLY CONSOLATION!

DON’T YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T DO THAT?

WELL, I’M DOING IT.

WELL, YOU MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT OF SOMEONE BESIDE YOURSELF.

I DID.

I THOUGHT OF TOM AND I THOUGHT OF THE BABY.

THAT’S TWO PEOPLE BESIDES MYSELF.

WELL, YOU SHOULD’VE THOUGHT OF TOM A LITTLE MORE

IF YOU WANT TO HOLD HIM.

OH, MOTHER, STOP IT! I’M NOT A CHILD. I’M A MARRIED WOMAN.

OHHH...

YOU’RE NOT THINKING OF ME, ANYWAY.

YOU’RE THINKING OF BEING A GRANDMOTHER.

OOOH...

THEO.

A GRANDMOTHER.

I NEED HELP, SOME MORE GUESTS.

ALL RIGHT, DEAR.

GRANDMOTHER? WHO’S A GRANDMOTHER?

WELL, UH--

OH, MOTHER, PLEASE!

DID YOU PLAN TO KEEP IT FROM HIM?

WELL, NO, BUT I WANTED TO TELL HIM.

NOW YOU’VE SPOILED EVERYTHING.

SPOILED WHAT?

WELL, UH, YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

DARLING! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, TOM...

MAY I COME IN, OR THIS SOMETHING PRIVATE?

I THOUGHT IT WAS UNTIL NOW.

OH, JUST SOME NEWS, WHICH YOU’LL

PROBABLY GREET WITH UNBRIDLED ENTHUSIASM.

YOU’RE GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER.

THEO, MY DEAR!

I’M AS ENVIOUS AS I CAN BE!

OH, NOW, FOR GOODNESS SAKE, DON’T DO THAT,

OR I SHALL CRY WITH YOU.

WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

YOU? MY DEAR BOY,

NOBODY’S INTERESTED IN YOU ANYMORE.

YOU’RE JUST THE FATHER!

OH, THERE, THERE, THERE.

[BABY CRYING]

I THINK SHE’S AWAKE NOW.

DARLING,

WE’VE GOT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY.

I’M FLAT!

[SIGHS]

SHE DIDN’T EVEN ASK WHAT IT WAS.

AND NOW, MRS. WEST, WE’LL DO THE KANGAROO WALK ONCE MORE.

OH, EASY WITH THE WHIP, MS. JONES.

IT’S ONLY A HIRED HORSE.

COME ON, COME ON. PALMS FLAT ON THE FLOOR.

KNEES STRAIGHT.

GET THOSE KNEES STRAIGHT!

OH, DO I HAVE TO?

DOCTOR’S ORDERS. ALL AROUND THE ROOM THIS TIME.

OH, NO!

AFTER ALL, IT’S YOU WHO WANTS TO GET

YOUR SHAPE BACK, NOT ME.

IN MY DAY, A YOUNG WOMAN

TRUSTED HER SHAPE TO PROVIDENCE

AND A TIGHT CORSET.

COME ON. COME ON, GET IT UP!

ALL RIGHT.

OH, I DON’T KNOW WHY THEY CALL THIS THE KANGAROO WALK!

I FEEL MORE LIKE MR. DISNEY’S PLUTO!

OH, PLEASE, I CAN’T DO ANYMORE!

[CHUCKLING] OH, ALL RIGHT.

WE’LL GET BACK INTO BED, COME ON.

I’LL HELP YOU.

NOT THAT YOU NEED HELP. YOU’RE DOING FINE.

OH, YEAH!

OH, NO, NO, NO.

YOU STILL HAVE THE KNEE/CHEST EXERCISE TO DO.

OH!

OH, THEY SHOULD CALL THIS THE CAMEL SQUAT!

HOW LONG?

5 MINUTES.

OH!

EXCUSE ME FOR BARGING IN, BUT I...

JUST HAD A MINUTE.

[GROANING]

SAY, WHAT IS THIS?

MOTHERHOOD, DARLING, MOTHERHOOD.

I JUST HAD A MINUTE, SO I THOUGHT I’D COME IN AND SAY HELLO.

HELLO.

HOW’S THE BABY?

I’M FINE. HOW ARE YOU?

NO, IDIOT, I MEAN OUR SON!

OH, RIGHT ON TIME FOR MEALS,

RAPPING ON THE COUNTER FOR SERVICE

AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

OH, THAT’S AN HOUR TO WAKE UP AND HEAR SOMEONE YELL,"LUNCH!"

HE’S A FINE, HEALTHY BABY.

OH, DON’T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO HER.

SHE HAS TO SAY THAT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HER ANNOUNCING, "CONFIDENTIALLY, MADAM,

YOUR BABY IS A FLOP."

GEE, THAT MAKES THE BLOOD GO TO MY HEAD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT’S DOING TO MINE?

WHEN’S SHE COMING HOME?

THURSDAY, SHE KEEPS ON AS SHE IS.

LIKE THAT, TILL THURSDAY?

I HAVE TO KEEP AN APPOINTMENT IN A FEW MINUTES, HONEY.

I’LL BE BACK WHEN I CAN STAY A LITTLE LONGER.

OH, I’M GOING TO SNEAK A PEAK AT TOMMY ON THE WAY OUT. BYE.

BYE.

REMEMBER, 3 MORE MINUTES, AND NO CHEATING.

[GROANS]

[BABIES CRYING]

"NOTHING IS SO LOVELY \h\h\h\hAS A SWEET,

\h\h\h\hFAT, DIMPLY BABY IN BEAUTIFUL MOTHER’S ARMS."

NOTHING IS SO LOVELY AS...

A SWEET, FAT, DIMPLY BABY IN BEAUTIFUL MOTHER’S ARMS.

[BABY CRYING]

NOTHING IS SO FAT AS A SWEET, DIMPLY...

\h\h\h\hOH, I MEAN, NOTHING IS SO LOVELY

AS A SWEET, FAT, DIMPLY BABY...

IN BEAUTIFUL MOTHER’S ARMS.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, DARLING, PLEASE DON’T CROSS YOUR EYES!

\h\h\h\hPLEASE, PLEASE! THEY MIGHT STAY THAT WAY.

OH, I KNOW I DON’T DO THINGS VERY EXPERTLY,

BUT, GEE, I’M TRYING \h\h\h\hAWFULLY HARD.

[LAUGHING]

OH, I WANT TO LOVE YOU,

BUT YOU FRIGHTEN ME SO.

[BABY CRYING]

OH, WHAT IS IT NOW, \h\h\h\hDARLING?

WHAT IS IT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

\h\h\h\hOH, OF COURSE! IT’S TIME FOR YOUR BOTTLE!

OH, NOW, DON’T CRY, DARLING, PLEASE,

BECAUSE IF YOU DO YOU’LL SPIT IT ALL UP.

I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THE MILK READY?

I THINK SO, MRS. WEST.

MM-HMM.

OH, I KNOW I SHOULD \h\h\h\hTAKE IT AWAY,

BUT IF I DO YOU’LL SCREAM.

IF I DON’T, YOU’LL ONLY SWALLOW MORE AIR.

OH, WELL.

ALL RIGHT, FELLA,

NOW YOU GIVE MAMA A BIG BUBBLE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COME IN.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

WELL, HELLO, DARLING.

HOW’S OUR NEW BOY?

OH, HUNGRY AS USUAL.

HI, FELLA!

OH, HE’S SWEET, JUST LIKE HIS MA.

OH!

SAY, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HOLD HIM?

SURE, SURE, SURE! HAND HIM OVER.

WHILE I GET A CLEAN NIGHTIE FROM NURSE.

NOW BE SURE AND BUBBLE HIM, AND I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME. I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.

[BABY COUGHS]

OOH!

HEY, THEO, COME HERE, QUICK!

DARLING, WHAT HAPPENED?

I BUBBLED HIM, AND HE BUBBLED RIGHT BACK.

OH, WELL, HERE, LET ME TAKE HIM.

YOU BET! THERE YOU GO, SONNY.

A BOY’S BEST FRIEND IS HIS MOTHER.

OH, LOOK, WE’LL CLEAN IT ALL OFF.

THERE YOU ARE, FELLA.

[SIGHS]

Man, over P.A.: TRAIN NUMBER 30 FROM NEW YORK ARRIVING TRACKS 24 AND 25,

TRACKS 24 AND 25.

TOPEKA LEAVING FOR NEW YORK IN 5 MINUTES, TRACK 23.

Theo: PARDON ME.

LIFE, PLEASE.

LIFE.

I THOUGHT YOU’D LIKE A MAGAZINE, MOTHER.

THANK YOU. DARLING, YOU LOOK A SIGHT.

OH, I KNOW, THIS CROWD AND EVERYTHING.

COME HERE AND LET ME FIX YOU.

OH, HERE, SELLY.

LOOK AT YOUR HAIR!

I KNOW!

WHAT’S THIS? NOT A GOING-AWAY PRESENT

FOR A HALF-HOUR STOPOVER?

NO, SOME MASON JARS. COOK ASKED ME

TO GET THEM 3 WEEKS AGO!

WHATEVER ARE YOU DOING WITH MASON JARS?

PUTTING UP TOMATOES.

MARRIAGE, MY DEAR?

MARRIAGE NOTHING! IT’S C’EST LA GUERRE!

ALTOGETHER A VERY ATTRACTIVE ENSEMBLE.

JUST THESE 3 PIECES, SIR?

THAT’S ALL.

\h\h\h\hARE YOU CERTAIN YOU CAN’T TAKE A LATER TRAIN?

OH, QUITE CERTAIN.

OF COURSE, I ALWAYS HATE TO MISS

A BABY’S FIRST BIRTHDAY, BUT BUSINESS, YOU KNOW?

WE BARELY HAD TIME TO CALL YOU BETWEEN TRAINS.

YOUR CHECKS FOR YOUR BAGGAGE, SIR.

THANKS.

OH, DADDY!

OH, I’M TERRIBLY SORRY.

OH, PORTER, WILL YOU HELP ME?

YES, MA’AM.

OH!

HERE’S TWO MORE, LADY.

OH, THANKS!

SAY, THERE’S MILES LANCING.

HELLO, KIDS! HOW ARE YOU?

NICE TO SEE YOU.

Irene: MILES! MILES LANCING!

OH, HELLO, MRS. SELWORTH!

EXCUSE ME A MOMENT. I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MILES, HOW NICE.

HELLO, DARLING. HOW ARE YOU?

HELLO, MILES.

HELLO, SELLY. WELL, WHAT ON EARTH...

OH, THEO’S BEEN SHOPPING.

OH, REALLY? HOW IS THEO?

WELL, SHE’S NOT DOING SO WELL AT THE MOMENT.

[GLASS CLINKING]

Lancing: HI!

MILES. MILES!

THEO...

WELL, CAPTAIN LANCING.

Selly: MAJOR, IF YOU PLEASE.

OH, I’M SORRY. MAJOR LANCING.

Lancing: THEO, IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME.

OVER A YEAR AND A HALF.

OH, AND TODAY’S THE BABY’S FIRST BIRTHDAY.

OH, REALLY, I DIDN’T REALIZE--

MOTHER, PLEASE! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WELL, LONDON, BERLIN.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

NOW I’M HEADED FOR 4 WEEKS OF RUM

AND RIOT IN THE CITY OF YOUR CHOOSING.

WELL, YOU’LL FIND PRECIOUS LITTLE RUM,

AND THE RIOT’S RATIONED, TOO.

WHY DON’T YOU COME DOWN TO NEW YORK, MILES?

THANKS, I WISH I COULD, BUT I’M BACK HERE IN BOSTON

TO BREAK IN A NEW SQUADRON.

OH, THAT’S FINE. YOU’VE GOT US AND WE’VE GOT YOU.

HOW ABOUT DINNER TONIGHT?

WELL, I’D LIKE TO,

BUT THE GANG’S EXPECTING ME AT THE OFFICER’S CLUB.

WHY DON’T YOU AND TOM AND THE BABY DROP IN THERE, HUH?

WELL, I, I--

WELL, I’VE GOT TO BE RUNNING NOW. GOOD-BYE.

GOOD-BYE.

BYE, SELLY.

WELL, WHERE CAN WE REACH YOU?

I’LL CALL YOU.

BUT WE’RE NOT IN THE PHONE BOOK.

Man: WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

I DON’T KNOW. LET’S GO! I’M HUNGRY!

Second man: I’M STARVED TO DEATH!

THAT’S ALL I COULD FIND IN THIS, MISS.

OH, THANK YOU.

Man, over P.A.: BOARD! TOPEKA TO NEW YORK, TRACK 23.

Porter: THAT’S YOU, SIR.

YES. GOOD-BYE, MY DEAR.

GOOD-BYE, SELLY.

DON’T LET A LITTLE MALE REVENGE THROW YOU.

MALE REVENGE, NOT AT ALL!

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MEN, SELLY?

THAT, MY DEAR, IS WHAT YOU GET FOR SELLING YOUR BIRTHRIGHT

FOR A MESS OF CANNED TOMATOES.

GOOD-BYE, DARLING, AND FOR HEAVENS SAKE,

DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

I WILL.

COME ON, SELLY.

GOOD-BYE, MOTHER.

Irene: GOOD-BYE!

Man: TOPEKA FOR NEW YORK, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTRACK 23.

Lancing: THANK YOU, SIR.

Man: THANK YOU, SIR.

Lancing: ALL RIGHT, YOU GALS, YOU SAID YOU WERE HUNGRY.

ADAMS HOUSE, DRIVER, AND DON’T SPARE THE HORSES.

[CRASH]

WHERE’S MR. WEST, MISS EUNICE?

OH, I’M SORRY. HE’S IN THE COLD ROOM.

OH, WELL, I’VE GOT TO SEE HIM.

MRS. WEST, YOU MUSTN’T GO IN THERE!

Theo: TOM!

THEO!

DIDN’T YOU SEE THE SIGN ON THE DOOR?

[CRACK]

OH!

TOO LATE!

HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN.

LOOK, TOM, I’M SORRY!

THEO, COME ON. LET’S GET OUT OF HERE!

WHAT’S THE MATTER?

IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BABY?

OH, IT’S NOTHING ABOUT THE BABY.

I JUST HAD TO SEE YOU.

OH.

OH, DEAR, WHAT DID I DO?

JUST SMASHED A PRISM THE BOYS TOOK DAYS TO FIGURE.

NOT TO MENTION THE TIME NED AND I SPENT GETTING

THE TEMPERATURE DOWN TO TEST IT.

OH.

WELL, WHAT IS IT, THEO?

WELL, I CAN’T TELL YOU IF YOU’RE ANGRY WITH ME.

BUT, DARLING, I’M NOT ANGRY.

NOW WHAT IS IT?

WELL, IT CAN WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT.

Tom: THEO!

YOU CAN’T COME BREAKING IN

LOOKING PALE AND FRIGHTENED, BUSTING UP PRISMS

AND THEN TELL ME IT CAN WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT!

I KNOW I CAN’T, BUT IT’S JUST--

OH, YOU’LL THINK ME CRAZY, AND I GUESS I AM.

OF COURSE, YOU’RE CRAZY.

THAT’S ONE REASON I LOVE YOU.

DO YOU?

OF COURSE, I DO.

THEO, WHAT IS THE TROUBLE?

WELL, I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME.

DO YOU MEAN TO SAY

THAT YOU BROKE IN ON ME JUST TO ASK SOME--

I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS BREAKING IN.

ANYWAY, THE--

OH, LET’S FORGET IT.

DID JOE GET BACK YET?

NO, NOT A TRACE OF HIM SINCE WEDNESDAY.

AFTER ALL OF HIS PROMISES, THIS IS THE NOBLEST BINGE

HE’S EVER BEEN ON.

MEANS TIME AND A HALF FOR NED AND ME.

WELL, MAYBE IT ISN’T A BINGE.

MAYBE SOMETHING’S THE MATTER.

WE CALLED THE HOSPITALS, CHECKED WITH THE POLICE.

WELL, WHAT DOES SISSY AND TED THINK?

I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO REACH SISSY,

AND TED’S IN NEW YORK ON SOME SORT OF A DEAL.

OH.

I’M AFRAID THIS LITTLE INCIDENT MEANS

I’M GOING TO BE LATE FOR TOMMY’S BIRTHDAY PARTY TONIGHT.

NO MATTER HOW LATE IT IS WHEN YOU GET HOME,

WE’LL WAKE TOMMY AND DRESS UP NICE, AND HAVE A PARTY.

THE THREE OF US.

ALL RIGHT.

I’LL TRY TO GET HOME BEFORE MIDNIGHT.

NO. KISS ME AS IF YOU MEANT IT.

THEO, HONEY, WHEN ARE WE GOING TO CELEBRATE YOUR FIRST BIRTHDAY?

WELL, YOU’RE CERTAINLY A TREMENDOUS HELP.

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING]

DO I HAVE TO KILL A COUPLE OF GUYS TO GET YOU ALONE?

I HAVEN’T HAD A REAL LOOK AT YOU ALL EVENING.

NOW’S YOUR CHANCE. LOOK.

I’M LOOKING.

SO IS EVERYBODY ELSE. NOT THAT I BLAME THEM.

IN THAT DRESS,

YOU’RE REALLY SOMETHING FOR THE BOYS.

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

DO YOU REALLY LIKE THIS DRESS, MAJOR?

I LIKE WHAT’S IN IT.

YOU SURE IT DOES THINGS FOR ME?

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT,

BUT I’M SURE IT DOES THINGS TO ME.

CAN IT BE, IT SUDDENLY SEEMS ONLY 22 MONTHS AGO?

22 MINUTES.

WHAT IS TIME ANYWAY? IT’S ONLY COMPARATIVE.

RIGHT. YOU FIND THAT OUT IN COMBAT.

A SECOND CAN BE A LIFETIME, A LIFETIME A SECOND.

WELL, YOUR TECHNIQUE IS STILL FAIR, MILES,

BUT TELL ME, HOW’S YOUR MEMORY?

GETTING BETTER EVERY MINUTE.

PROVE IT. WHAT DID I USED TO LIKE TO DRINK?

DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

AN OLD FASHIONED? COULD YOU USE ONE?

COULD YOU?

YES, A COUPLE. COME ON, YOU IN THAT DRESS!

[DISAPPROVINGLY] MM-MMM.

BAD MANNERS LOOKING OVER A GLASS,

BUT EFFECTIVE.

THE WAY YOU LIKE IT?

MM-HMM. YOU DID FINE WITH THE DRINK.

COULD IT BE THAT YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING ELSE

FROM THE DEAR, DEAD PAST?

SHALL I TRY?

AND DON’T SPARE THE ADRENALINE.

WELL, I USED TO KNOW A GAL,

QUITE A GAL.

LOOKED SOMETHING LIKE YOU.

ONLY BETTER?

ONLY NOT SO GOOD, MAYBE.

OH. TELL ME ABOUT HER.

THIS GAL USED TO WEAR BLUE A LOT

AND FUNNY LITTLE HATS THAT ONLY YOU--

I MEAN, ONLY SHE COULD GET AWAY WITH;

LIPSTICK WITH A LOT OF PURPLE IN IT

THAT PLAYED THE VERY DEVIL WITH HANDKERCHIEFS.

THEO.

YES?

THESE 22 MONTHS--

MAYBE THEY NEVER EXISTED.

OH, YES, THEY E-EXISTED, ALL RIGHT.

I WAS JUST AFRAID THEY SHOWED.

LOOK, HONEY, I’M TIRED OF PLAYING RING AROUND THE ROSY.

YOU’VE GOT TO TELL ME WHY YOU CAME HERE TONIGHT.

OH, JUST TO SEE IF I COULD WEAR

A CERTAIN DRESS IN A CERTAIN WAY.

I MEAN IT.

WHY? IT’S IMPORTANT TO ME.

ALL RIGHT, THEN, I GUESS MAYBE IT IS IMPORTANT.

I CAME HERE TO MAKE YOU CRAWL.

WELL, I HAVE CRAWLED.

[TERSELY] SATISFIED?

I SHOULD BE, SHOULDN’T I?

BUT YOU’RE NOT?

WHY?

WELL, IT’S NOT WORKING OUT RIGHT, THAT’S WHY.

LONG ABOUT NOW, I SHOULD GIVE YOU

ONE MORE SHARP JAB WITH THE NEEDLE--

YES?

AND I SHOULD RISE, LAUGH UP MY SLEEVE, AND WALK OUT ON YOU.

IF I HAD A LICK OF SENSE,

THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’D DO--

RUN LIKE THE DICKENS.

MY MIND SAYS GO--

BUT WHAT SAYS STAY?

CALL IT HEART, IF YOU LIKE,

ONLY THAT’S A VERY POLITE NAME FOR IT.

THIS REMEMBERING BUSINESS COULD WORK BOTH WAYS, HUH?

COULD...

IS?

Man: HELLO, TOM.

HELLO, ROG.

AH, A CIVILIAN.

LOOKS MORE LIKE THE MARINES TO ME.

HAVE YOU, UH, BY ANY CHANCE SEEN MY WIFE?

YEAH, SHE’S OVER THERE AT THE BAR WITH LANCING.

OH, THANKS.

HELLO, TOM. GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

ARE YOU?

SURE WE ARE. I AM, ANYWAY...

OR WOULD BE IF YOU’D WIPE THAT FROWN OFF YOUR FACE.

AH, A DRINK WILL DO IT. WHAT’LL YOU HAVE, TOM?

I DON’T THINK I’LL HAVE TIME.

YOU SEE, IT’S OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY,

AND THERE’S ONLY 20 MINUTES LEFT OF IT.

I’M SORRY, TOM.

I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS SO LATE.

DID YOU JUST GET AWAY?

NO.

OH.

ARE YOU COMING?

YES, OF COURSE. GOOD NIGHT, MILES.

GOOD NIGHT. I’LL BE SEEING YOU AROUND, TOM.

YEAH.

TOM! CLOSE THE WINDOW!

SHOULD I WAKE THE BABY? IT’S ALMOST 12:00.

THAT’S UP TO YOU.

OH!

THEO!

WAIT.

MAYBE I DID BEHAVE RATHER BADLY, BUT--

MAYBE?

ALL RIGHT, BUT I’D BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU SINCE 7:00.

NED TOOK CARE OF THE LENS TEST,

AND I FOUND I WAS ABLE TO COME HOME TO DINNER AFTER ALL.

I WAS GOING TO MAKE A REAL PARTY OF IT...

DINING ROOM TABLE ALL SET.

BIRTHDAY CAKE, CHAMPAGNE,

BABY’S PRESENTS, EVERYTHING.

THEN I FIND YOU ON YOUR BABY’S BIRTHDAY PLAYING PINUP GIRL!

IF MARTHA HADN’T REMEMBERED YOU’D SAID

YOU WERE HAVING DINNER WITH SOME ARMY PEOPLE,

AND IF I HADN’T, JUST BY LUCK, HEARD THAT SOME OF THE BOYS

FROM THE SQUADRON GOT BACK TODAY,

I WOULDN’T HAVE FOUND YOU AT ALL.

FOUND ME?

YOU MAKE IT ALL SOUND LIKE SUCH A MYSTERY WHERE I’D GONE.

I WAS BORED TO DEATH, AND I REMEMBERED

THAT MILES HAD ASKED US TO THE OFFICERS’ CLUB.

YOU MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED THAT

WHEN YOU BROKE IN ON ME THIS MORNING.

YOU OUGHT TO HAVE A ROUGH IDEA JUST HOW HARD IT IS

TO MENTION ANYTHING TO YOU WHEN I HAVE TO

BREAK INTO YOUR OFFICE TO SEE YOU!

OH, SOMEONE’S GIVEN YOU A LESSON IN MILITARY STRATEGY!

THE BEST DEFENSE IS ATTACK.

DIDN’T YOU KNOW? ONE OF MY MOTHER’S HUSBANDS WAS A FRENCH GENERAL.

HE ALWAYS SAID, "TOUJOURS L’ATTAQUE!"

[CLOCK CHIMING MIDNIGHT]

TOMMY! TOMMY, HONEY.

YOUR BIRTHDAY, COME ON!

HURRY UP, DARLING.

Both: COME ON, HONEY.

HERE WE GO. I’LL TAKE THAT.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHELLO, SWEET PEA. THAT’S A BOY. OW!

OH, HURRY AND LIGHT THE CANDLE!

AND OPEN THE CHAMPAGNE!

HURRY!

TOMMY, IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY PRESENTS AND THE CAKE.

ISN’T IT PRETTY?

[CHIMING ENDS]

IT’S TOO LATE. THE BIRTHDAY’S OVER.

WELL IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!

IF YOU HADN’T STOPPED TO ARGUE WHEN WE CAME IN, WE MIGHT’VE--

WE MIGHT HAVE HAD TIME TO DO

LOTS OF THINGS IF YOU’D STAYED AT HOME.

AND IF YOU WEREN’T SO INTERESTED IN YOUR OLD COLD ROOM,

WE MIGHT’VE--

[POP]

[TOMMY BAWLING]

[ANGRILY] HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

MRS. WEST?

YES, MARTHA?

DID THE BABY ENJOY HIS PRESENTS?

WELL, HE DIDN’T SEE THEM.

WE DECIDED TO OPEN THEM IN THE MORNING.

IT’LL BE BETTER.

NOW GO TO SLEEP, TOMMY.

MARTHA, SEE IF YOU CAN QUIET HIM, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

YES, I WILL.

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, TOMMY.

AND WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO SLEEP IN THE STUDY. DO YOU MIND?

NO. YOU’RE JUST SAVING ME THE TROUBLE.

THANK YOU.

[DOORS SLAM]

\h\h\h\h[THINKING] OH, SISSY, PLEASE BE IN.

IF YOU LOVE ME, BE IN. \h\h\h\hI NEED YOU SO.

[CAR BRAKES SQUEAL]

THEO.

WELL...

FANCY MEETING ME HERE.

YES.

WHAT’S THE MATTER? ISN’T SISSY AT HOME?

I DON’T KNOW. I’VE BEEN RINGING, BUT NO ONE ANSWERS.

OH.

AND, UH, WHEN DID THE DRAGNET CATCH UP WITH YOU?

IT DIDN’T. I DRAGGED MYSELF HERE.

OH. I DON’T SUPPOSE YOU COULD TELL ME WHERE YOU’VE BEEN.

NO. I DON’T SUPPOSE I COULD.

OH, YOU CERTAINLY WILL BE,

HANDCUFFED TO ME IF NECESSARY.

RUINED MY MARRIAGE?

HUH?

TOM HASN’T BEEN HOME MORE THAN 3 NIGHTS

SINCE YOU RAN OUT ON HIM.

WHEN HE HAS, I WISHED THAT HE AND I WERE BOTH SOMEBODY ELSE.

WELL, I’VE BEEN OUT OF TOWN,

OR I WOULD HAVE CALLED HIM,

BUT THERE WASN’T ANY PHONE WHERE I WAS--

VERMONT. YOU KNOW VERMONT.

I KNOW. NO PHONES, BUT NICE APPLEJACK.

OH, NO. AFTER YOU.

FROM NOW ON, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.

WHERE ARE WE GOING IN SUCH AWFUL HASTE THIS PRETTY MORNING?

THE WEST OPTICAL WORKS.

OK, BUT LET ME GO BY MY APARTMENT AND CHANGE MY CLOTHES.

WELL, I’LL CONSIDER THE REQUEST.

THANK YOU.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

COME ON IN.

YOU HAVEN’T SEEN MY NEW HOVEL, HAVE YOU?

SEEN ONE, SEEN THEM ALL.

SIT DOWN, RELAX. IT WILL ONLY TAKE ME A FEW SECONDS TO CHANGE.

OH, I SWEAR,

THERE’S NO SECRET EXIT FROM THE BEDROOM.

[CHUCKLING] OK.

Woman: JOE. OH, JOE, DARLING, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

UH, UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

IN MY APARTMENT, HONEY CHILD?

I JUST CAME BY YOURS.

COULDN’T WAIT ANY LONGER AFTER I GOT YOUR WIRE.

BESIDES, TED GETS IN THIS AFTERNOON.

THEO!

HELLO, THEO.

HI, SISSY.

I WAS JUST TELLING JOE--

OH, AND JOE, DON’T FORGET TOM WANTS TO SEE YOU.

THEO.

Sissy: WHAT’S THE RUSH?

I...

YOU DON’T THINK SHE SUSPECTED.

YES. SHE WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT ME HERE IF SHE HADN’T.

SHE WAS IN A RUSH TO GET ME DOWN TO TOM.

GO ON, SISSY. GO AFTER HER.

I WILL, DARLING. I’LL TALK TO HER, BUT...

BUT FIRST, I’VE GOT TO KNOW WHERE YOU’VE BEEN.

LATER. GO AFTER THEO NOW, PLEASE.

MAKE UP A STORY, ANYTHING, BUT FAST.

ALL RIGHT, JOE.

HELLO, MRS. WEST.

WE DIDN’T EXPECT YOU SO SOON.

WE HARDLY ARE READY FOR YOU.

I’M SORRY, BUT MY DAY STARTED SO EARLY,

AND OF COURSE, I NEVER THOUGHT TO LOOK AT A CLOCK.

OH, THAT’S QUITE ALL RIGHT.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Sissy: WELL!

OH, BONJOUR, MADAME.

MRS. WEST, DO YOU PLUG YOUR EARS

WHEN YOU RIDE IN TAXI CABS?

MINE WAS RIGHT BEHIND YOU,

AND I WAS YELLING MY HEAD OFF.

I, UH--NO, I--I DIDN’T HEAR YOU.

HOW DID YOU HAPPEN TO BE IN THE CAB BEHIND ME?

I, UH...

UH, ISN’T THE BACK A LITTLE HIGH, MADAME CUSHINE?

OH, LET’S TRY IT WITH THE JACKET, HUH?

ALL RIGHT.

COME ON, MARIE.

I WAS IN THE CAB BEHIND YOU

BECAUSE I WAS FOLLOWING YOU.

OH, WELL, FINE. I HATE TO HAVE FITTINGS ALONE.

UH, HAVE SOME TEA?

NO, THANK YOU.

THEO, WHAT MADE YOU LEAVE JOE’S APARTMENT THE WAY YOU DID?

WELL, NOTHING, SISSY. I JUST REMEMBERED

I HAD THIS FITTING, THAT’S ALL.

NO, IT ISN’T ALL.

YOU LEFT BECAUSE YOU GOT SOME RIDICULOUS IDEA

THAT JOE AND I--

DON’T, SISSY. IT’S NO GOOD.

I KNOW.

I GUESS I’VE KNOWN FOR MONTHS

WITHOUT LETTING MYSELF REALLY BELIEVE IT.

YOU’RE SHOCKED, THEO.

WELL, I--I GUESS I’D BE SHOCKED, TOO, IF I WERE YOU.

NO, I’M NOT SHOCKED.

WHY SHOULD I BE?

I GREW UP WATCHING THIS SORT OF THING ALL MY LIFE.

YOU CAN’T DISMISS THIS WITH WORDS LIKE "THIS SORT OF THING."

YOU MUSN’T MAKE BLANKET JUDGMENTS, THEO.

YOU DON’T KNOW PEOPLE WELL ENOUGH TO DO THAT.

I AGREE WITH YOU THERE.

WE DON’T ANY OF US REALLY KNOW EACH OTHER.

WE HARDLY KNOW OURSELVES.

IT MIGHT AMUSE YOU TO KNOW, SISSY,

I CAME TO YOU TODAY FOR HELP.

FOR HELP?

YES, I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.

WELL?

ABOUT HOW TO BE HAPPY, THOUGH MARRIED,

OF ALL THINGS.

WHY DON’T YOU TALK TO ME NOW, THEO?

WHAT GOOD IS THAT?

WE’RE BOTH FAILURES.

THAT ISN’T TRUE ABOUT MY MARRIAGE.

I STILL LOVE TED.

WHATEVER I FEEL FOR JOE,

I’VE TRIED TO MAKE TED HAPPY.

TED’S ONLY HAPPY BECAUSE HE DOESN’T KNOW.

IF HE DID, HE’D--

THAT’S THE CHANCE I TAKE.

I HOPE IT NEVER HAPPENS, BUT IF IT EVER DOES,

I THINK I’LL BE ABLE TO MANAGE IT AS I HAVE THIS--

INTELLIGENTLY.

INTELLIGENTLY?

AREN’T YOU EVER SCARED, SISSY?

I AM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHEN I THINK OF YOU, I’M MORE SCARED THAN EVER.

LOOK AT YOUR BACKGROUND.

BOSTON, SECURITY, AND RESPECTABILITY.

MORALS UP TO HERE.

OH, AND LOOK AT ME, HUH?

THAT’S RIGHT. LOOK AT YOU.

THEN TAKE MY BACKGROUND. MORALS DOWN TO HERE.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE RIGHTEOUS, THEO, I--

NO, NO, I’M NOT, I--

I’M SIMPLY SAYING WHAT CHANCE HAVE I

IF SOMEONE LIKE YOU CAN SLIP?

WHAT CHANCE HAVE I NOT TO DO THE SAME THING

OR EVEN WORSE?

THEO, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OH, LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.

PARTICULARLY THE PURSUIT.

[DOOR OPENS]

Madame Cushine: \h\h\h\hAH!

HERE WE ARE, MRS. WEST.

LET’S SLIP THIS ON, HUH?

OH, UH, YOU KNOW, TED GETS IN THIS AFTERNOON,

AND YOU ASKED US TO DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.

IS THAT STILL ON?

OH, YES. OF COURSE, SISSY.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

RIGHT.

WELL, THAT JUST ABOUT DOES IT.

DON’T YOU THINK SO, MADAME?

YES, THAT JUST ABOUT DOES IT.

[DOOR OPENS]

OH, HELLO.

THEO, WHAT WERE YOU DOING

SITTING HERE IN THE DARK?

I-I’D BEEN READING. I GUESS I FELL ASLEEP.

READING?

WITH THE LIGHTS OUT?

WELL, I--I PUT THEM OUT BECAUSE I WANTED TO THINK.

DARLING, I’VE BEEN TRYING TO THINK, TOO,

ONLY SOMETHING ALWAYS SEEMS

TO GET IN THE WAY OF MY THINKING.

I KEEP REMEMBERING WHAT A HEEL I AM,

AND THEN I GET SO MAD AT MYSELF,

I CAN’T THINK AT ALL.

THEO, I LOVE YOU SO.

AND I LOVE YOU, TOM.

THEN HOW DID LAST NIGHT HAPPEN?

IT DIDN’T HAPPEN LAST NIGHT.

IT STARTED TO HAPPEN A LONG TIME AGO.

WHAT STARTED, DARLING?

OH, MOVING AWAY FROM EACH OTHER THE WAY WE’VE DONE.

MOVING AWAY?

I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS AS BAD AS ALL THAT

JUST BECAUSE I’VE BEEN IRRITABLE

AND STRAINED AT MY WORK.

IT’S NOT JUST YOU, DARLING,

IT’S BOTH OF US.

THEO. DARLING, I...

YOU’VE JUST GONE FOOLISH

SITTING HERE WITH THE LIGHTS OUT.

I’M FOOLISH, ALL RIGHT, I’LL ADMIT THAT.

ONLY, TOM,

YESTERDAY WHEN I CAME TO YOUR OFFICE,

I KNOW IT WAS SILLY, BUT...

I HAD JUST SEEN MILES LANCING.

WELL?

I RAN INTO HIM AT THE STATION

WHILE SEEING MOTHER OFF.

GO ON, TELL ME.

HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE A DOWN-AT-THE-HEELS OLD MATRON.

I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT--

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO RUN TO ME

IF MILES LANCING HAD BEEN NICE TO YOU.

OH, DON’T SAY IT THAT WAY.

IT WASN’T MILES.

I DON’T LOVE ANYONE BUT YOU,

AND I DON’T WANT TO LOVE ANYONE BUT YOU.

WELL, THEN, LAST NIGHT--

WAS THAT THE SAME THING?

OH, MAYBE IT WAS CHILDISH

GETTING DRESSED UP AND CHASING OUT,

BUT I HAD TO, TOM.

WHY, DARLING? SAY IT AGAIN.

MAYBE I’M THICK, BUT I STILL DON’T QUITE GET IT.

DID MILES EXPECT YOU?

NO, TOM, HE DIDN’T EXPECT ME.

YOU WANT ME TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,

AND THAT’S WHAT I’M BEING.

I WENT THERE BECAUSE I FELT A NEED

TO LOOK LIKE THEO SCOFIELD AGAIN

AND TO FEEL LIKE THEO SCOFIELD AGAIN.

IT WAS CHILDISH, BUT THERE IT IS.

I’M SORRY, THEO, IF I MADE YOU ANGRY,

BUT YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME IF I JUST ACCEPTED THE IDEA

THAT YOU HAD TO BE WITH MILES, WOULD YOU?

NO.

THEO.

[WEEPING]

DARLING?

THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN

SO LONG AS WE’RE HONEST.

WE CAN WORK OUT WHATEVER COMES, WISELY.

LIKE TED AND SISSY HAVE, HUH?

UH-HUH.

HONEY, WHAT’S THE MATTER?

OH, NOTHING, TOM.

NOTHING EITHER OF US CAN HELP.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

HONEY--

TOM, THERE’S THE TELEPHONE. ANSWER IT.

MARTHA WILL GET IT.

THEO, WHAT IS IT?

THEO, AFTER ALL THIS, YOU’VE GOT TO TALK.

IS IT MILES?

NO. NO, IT ISN’T MILES.

OH, TOM, LEAVE ME ALONE!

[TELEPHONE STOPS RINGING]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

YES.

MR. WEST, THE CALL WAS FROM YOUR OFFICE.

MR. BOLTON SAID MR. MURDOCK’S THERE

AND YOU’RE TO COME RIGHT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU, MARTHA.

[THEO WEEPING]

THEO, ONE THING BEFORE I GO.

I’M NOT GOING TO GET ANGRY,

BUT HOW CAN WE DO WHAT WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO DO

IF YOU WON’T TELL ME WHAT’S TROUBLING YOU?

OH, TOM, PLEASE. I’M SO TIRED.

PLEASE, TOM.

\h\h\h\h[THINKING] HAPPY LIKE TED AND SISSY. IS THAT YOUR PATTERN, TOO?

OH, IT COULDN’T BE.

OH, NO?

YOU’RE YOUR MOTHER’S \h\h\h\hDAUGHTER.

WELL, AREN’T YOU?

YOU’VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING \h\h\h\hTO PROVE YOU’RE NOT.

MAYBE YOU’VE DONE A LOT \h\h\h\hTO PROVE YOU ARE.

AND YOU LIED TO TOM, \h\h\h\hDIDN’T YOU?

MILES IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, ISN’T HE?

\h\h\h\hHE MAKES YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU WANT TO FEEL--

YOUNG AND GAY AND CRAZY, MAYBE.

HE MAKES YOU FEEL... \h\h\h\hWELL, WANTED.

THAT’S THE WORD. DON’T DUCK IT.

OH, SURE, THERE’S TOM, \h\h\h\hAND YOU LOVE TOM.

BUT IS THAT LOOK IN ONE MAN’S EYES ENOUGH FOR YOU?

WHY DON’T YOU FIND OUT?

YOU’RE NO GOOD TO ANYONE \h\h\h\hTHE WAY YOU ARE.

GO ON. FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF GIRL YOU REALLY ARE,

FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL.

ALL RIGHT, JOE, LET’S HAVE IT.

JOE, YOU’VE GOT YOURSELF

INTO SOME KIND OF A MESS AGAIN.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS, AND I DON’T CARE,

BUT YOU’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF IT.

WELL...IT’S A GIRL.

OH.

A GIRL I MET IN VERMONT A WHILE AGO.

I CAN’T MARRY HER.

THERE’S A... SORT OF BARRIER BETWEEN US.

NOT A HUSBAND.

DON’T KID ABOUT IT, WILL YOU?

WE GOT OUR LICENSE. HAD IT 3 WEEKS.

THEN WHAT KIND OF A BARRIER COULD THERE BE?

I CAN’T TELL YOU, EXCEPT THAT I...

I MADE A REAL EFFORT TO TRY AND BREAK IT

WHEN I GOT BACK TODAY.

I COULDN’T.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE WHATEVER I DO, I’M A SKUNK.

JOE, LISTEN TO ME.

EVEN IF THERE WEREN’T A WAR

AND EVEN IF YOU WEREN’T MESSING UP MY LIFE,

I’D TRY TO PULL YOU OUT OF THIS.

BUT RIGHT NOW, I’M NOT JUST DOING IT OUT OF KINDNESS,

I’M DOING IT SELFISHLY. I’VE GOT TO PULL YOU OUT.

OH, WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

I DON’T KNOW, BUT I’LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

WHERE IN VERMONT DOES THIS UNINTENDED BRIDE OF YOURS LIVE?

OH, A FEW MILES FROM YOUR MOTHER’S PLACE.

ALL RIGHT, WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU MARRIED TONIGHT,

BUT TOMORROW, IT’S BACK TO WORK FOR YOU.

NOW COME ON, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

ALL RIGHT. ALL--ALL RIGHT.

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

I WON’T BE A MINUTE.

YEAH, BUT LOOK, I GOT TO--

I GOT TO CHANGE MY CLOTHES.

ALL RIGHT, YOU WILL, AS SOON AS I TELL THEO WHERE WE’RE GOING.

NOW STAY THERE AND WAIT FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THEO.

THEO.

THEO!

THEO.

THEO!

SHHH.

MR. WEST, YOU’LL WAKE THE BABY.

WHERE’S MRS. WEST?

SHE WENT OUT JUST AFTER YOU DID.

SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO A MOVIE.

OH. MOVIE.

ARE YOU HOME FOR THE EVENING NOW?

NO. NO, I HAVE TO GO OUT AGAIN.

I’M DRIVING UP TO VERMONT.

TONIGHT? SO FAR?

YES. WILL YOU TELL MRS. WEST THAT...

OH, WELL, NO, NEVER MIND.

I’LL, UH...

GOOD NIGHT, MARTHA.

GOOD NIGHT, MR. WEST.

YOU GO TO SLEEP, TOMMY.

[BABY WHIMPERING]

OH.

HEY. HEY, HEY.

WHAT GOES ON HERE?

OH--OH, MILES.

HOW DID I--

HOW DID YOU GET IN? THAT’S MY QUESTION.

OH. OH, THE JANITOR LET ME IN.

I TOLD HIM YOU WERE MY SISTER OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, I’M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO LIVE THIS DOWN.

WELL, WHO WILL?

WHAT TIME IS IT, MILES?

HALF-PAST 5:00 IN THE MORNING.

HALF-PAST 5:00? OH, GOOD GRIEF.

OH, NO, THAT’S ATLANTIC TIME.

IT’S, UH, HALF-PAST 4:00.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR WATCH SET AT ATLANTIC TIME?

I JUST FLEW IN FROM GREENLAND’S ICY MOUNTAINS--

TEST FLIGHT.

HOW EXCITING.

LOOK, IT CAN’T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE NOW

WHETHER YOU GET HOME AT 4:30 OR 5:00.

NO, I...

I GUESS NOT.

CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

NO.

BREAKFAST OR...

OR SOMETHING HOT?

NO, I... I WAS PLAYING THAT ALBUM

WHILE I WAS WAITING FOR YOU.

WHAT WILL THE JANITOR THINK

IF WE PLAYED THE REST OF IT NOW?

JUST WHAT HE’S BEEN THINKING ALL NIGHT.

OH.

[BRAHMS PLAYING]

GREENLAND, BRAHMS, AND YOU.

THE WHOLE WORLD’S GONE WACKY TONIGHT.

YES, TO PUT IT MILDLY.

WHY’D YOU LEAVE TOM?

I WOULDN’T HAVE COME HERE LIKE THIS IF I HADN’T LEFT TOM...

WOULD I?

WELL, UH, RIGHT OFFHAND, IT WOULD SEEM THAT...

DON’T YOU KNOW?

NO.

WELL, DID YOU HAVE TO COME HERE TO FIND OUT?

YES. SORRY IF THAT MAKES YOU ANGRY.

YOU KNOW WHY IT MAKES ME ANGRY?

NO, I DON’T.

THEN I’LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE I’VE LOVED YOU

LIKE I’LL NEVER LOVE ANYONE.

BECAUSE I’VE WORKED LIKE A FOOL

TO GET YOU OUT OF MY BLOOD

AND THOUGHT I’D SUCCEEDED.

BUT YOU INSISTED ON PUTTING YOURSELF BACK IN,

STRONGER THAN EVER.

AND BECAUSE I WANT TO TAKE YOU IN MY ARMS NOW

MORE THAN I EVEN WANT TO LIVE.

WELL, I-I’M HERE.

NO. NO, YOU’RE NOT HERE.

YOU DON’T BELONG TO ME ANY MORE THAN YOU BELONG TO TOM.

YOU DON’T BELONG TO ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF!

BUT, MILES.

YOU’RE A SELFISH LITTLE BRAT

WHO CAN’T MAKE UP HER MIND

AND TORMENTS EVERYBODY WHILE SHE TRIES.

I DON’T WANT YOU THAT WAY.

AND IF TOM’S THE MAN I THINK HE IS,

HE DOESN’T EITHER.

WELL!

HOW LONG CAN YOU GO ON BEING A WEAK LITTLE FOOL

WHO MISTAKES VANITY FOR LOVE

AND PLAYING HOUSE FOR BEING A WIFE?

YOU’VE SAID ENOUGH.

NO, NOT QUITE.

MILES.

THEO.

YOU CAN’T GO UNTIL I’VE UNSAID ALL THAT--

BUT YOU WERE RIGHT, MILES.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

TOM.

TOM.

OH, MRS. WEST.

OH.

I HEARD SOMEONE COME IN.

I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS YOU.

IT’S QUITE LATE.

YOU MEAN IT’S QUITE EARLY, MARTHA.

UH, WHERE’S MR. WEST?

HE WAS HERE EARLIER, BUT HE SAID HE HAD TO DRIVE TO VERMONT.

VERMONT?

YES.

OH.

YOU’D BETTER GET SOME REST.

I DON’T THINK I’LL GO TO BED, MARTHA.

I HAVE SOME EARLY SHOPPING TO DO, ANYWAY,

AND MR. AND MRS. MORTIMER ARE COMING FOR DINNER,

YOU KNOW.

YES, MA’AM.

OH, THERE NOW, MRS. WEST.

YOU SHOULD BE TAKING A LITTLE REST.

NOT A WINK OF SLEEP ALL NIGHT,

AND THEN TRAIPSING AROUND ALL DAY SHOPPING.

MARTHA, WHEN MR. WEST TELEPHONED,

HE SAID HE’D BE BACK IN TIME FOR DINNER, DIDN’T HE?

YES, HE SHOULD BE GETTING HERE ANY MINUTE NOW.

YOU GO SIT DOWN UNTIL THE COMPANY COMES.

OH, DON’T WORRY, MARTHA. I’M FINE.

\h\h\h\h[THINKING] YES, YOU’RE FINE, ALL RIGHT.

EVEN MARTHA SEES SOMETHING’S WRONG.

YOU MUSTN’T SHOW HOW YOU FEEL, YOU SIMPLY MUSTN’T.

YOU’VE GOT TO THROW IT OFF.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCOME ON, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

YOU SEE, YOU’RE PLUMB BEAT.

PROBABLY SO TIRED, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING,

AND YOU WON’T GIVE UP.

JUST LIKE TOMMY WHEN HE NEEDS A NAP.

OH, WHICH REMINDS ME.

IT’S ABOUT TIME THAT YOUNG MAN WAS IN BED.

OH, I’LL PUT HIM TO BED.

YOU GO AND FIX YOURSELF UP A LITTLE.

TOMMY WILL DO THE FIXING.

YOU KNOW, A TUSSLE WITH HIM IS BETTER

THAN A SHOT OF MEDICINE ANY DAY.

COME ON, TOMMY. NOW WE WILL HAVE A CHAT.

[COOS]

WHAT SHALL WE TALK ABOUT, IF ANYTHING, HMM?

OH, I KNOW. YOU WANT TO STAND THERE?

WELL, LET’S SEE WHAT THE DOGGY SAYS.

THE DOGGY SAYS, "BOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW."

BOW WOW WOW. COME ON, YOU SAY IT.

BOW WOW.

OH, NOW, MAYBE THAT’S TOO HARD.

HEY, LET’S TRY THIS ONE.

THEY SAY IT’S THE SAME IN ANY LANGUAGE,

JUST IN CASE YOU HAPPEN TO BE A RUMANIAN,

WHICH IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE YOU ARE.

SAY, "MAMA." TOMMY, SAY, "MAMA."

[BABBLING]

COME ON, "MAMA." OH, DARLING,

THERE ARE CASES WHERE CHILDREN TALKED AT 6 MONTHS.

THE BOOK? ALL RIGHT. LET’S SEE WHAT THE BOOK SAYS.

SAYS, UH, "AT THE AGE OF 12 MONTHS,

BABY WILL SAY SINGLE WORDS LIKE MAMA AND PAPA."

WELL?

OH, TOMMY.

WELL, COME ON AND SAY GOOD NIGHT TO MOTHER.

COME ON, "GOOD NIGHT."

OH, WELL, IT’S YOUR BEDTIME, ANYWAY,

SO I’LL SAY IT FOR YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

GOOD EVENING, MRS. WEST.

GOOD EVENING, MR. WEST.

HOW’S TOMMY?

FINE.

HOW ARE YOU?

FINE.

WELL, WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE YOU DOING IN VERMONT?

I’VE BEEN STAGING A WEDDING.

A WEDDING?

MM-HMM.

[CLOCK CHIMING]

WELL, THAT’S 7:00. YOU BETTER GET READY.

TED AND SISSY ARE COMING FOR DINNER.

OH, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT.

OH, UH, AND I ASKED JOE AND HIS BRIDE FOR DINNER.

JOE AND HIS--

YEAH, COME ON, I’LL TELL YOU

WHILE I CHANGE MY SHIRT.

DID YOU SAY JOE AND HIS BRIDE?

UH-HUH. IT MIGHT LOOK ODD ON A GOVERNMENT REPORT

TO SAY I HAD TO WASTE A WHOLE DAY GETTING MY PARTNER MARRIED

IN THE INTEREST OF NATIONAL DEFENSE,

BUT GETTING JOE SETTLED DOWN MIGHT MEAN

WE CAN GET OUR PROGRAM FINISHED IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

WAIT A MINUTE, TOM. I’M ALL MIXED-UP.

WELL, I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL ANYONE--

AT LEAST, THAT’S WHAT I PROMISED JOE.

BUT IT SEEMS HE’D BEEN ENGAGED TO A KID NAMED MARY SAUNDERS

FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS,

AT LEAST, THAT’S WHERE JOE WAS

WHEN HE RAN OUT ON US.

JUST WHEN MARY THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING

TO THE ALTAR A FEW DAYS AGO, HE RAN OUT ON HER.

WELL, HE’S QUITE A RUNNER-OUTER.

HE SAID THERE WAS SOME SORT OF BARRIER BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM.

BUT I GOT THEM MARRIED, ALL RIGHT.

THEY HAD THEIR HONEYMOON AT MOTHER’S HOUSE LAST NIGHT.

OH, WHAT ABOUT THE BARRIER?

WELL, HE, UH, NEVER DID SAY WHAT IT WAS.

SOMETHING SILLY IN THAT MURKY MIND OF JOE’S.

THE SWELL THING IS HOW HE’S CHANGED ALREADY.

YOU’LL SEE TONIGHT.

OH, BUT TOM, TED AND SISSY ARE COMING FOR DINNER.

WELL, I TOLD MARTHA THERE’D BE TWO EXTRA.

SHE DIDN’T SEEM TO BE UPSET ABOUT FOOD.

YOU WANT ME TO RUN OUT AND GET SOMETHING?

OH, NO. NO, IT’S NOT NECESSARY.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT MOVIE DID YOU SEE LAST NIGHT?

OH, UM, MRS. MINIVER.

YOU’RE A LITTLE BIT LATE ON THAT.

I SAW THAT BEFORE I MET YOU.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE BOAT SCENE?

OH, THEY WERE LOVELY.

LOVELY? DUNKIRK?

I--I MEAN THE WATER SCENES, THE SCENERY.

WHAT SCENERY?

OH, TOM, I DON’T KNOW.

I--I WAS SO UPSET LAST NIGHT,

I HARDLY SAW WHAT WAS ON THE SCREEN.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

YES?

MR. AND MRS. MURDOCK ARE HERE.

OH, THANK YOU, MARTHA.

COME ON, TOM.

Woman: THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING, JOE.

HELLO, THEO. THIS IS MARY.

HOW DO YOU DO?

Tom: WELL, BEHOLD THE BRIDEGROOM AND THE BRIDE.

HELLO, JOE, MARY.

HELLO.

COME ON, LET’S ALL HAVE A DRINK.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMY, MY! WHAT A CHARMING PLACE.

THANK YOU.

WHAT WILL YOU HAVE, MARY?

OH, NOTHING FOR ME, THANKS.

JOE? \h\h\h\hNOR ME, EITHER.

MM-HMM, REFORMED CHARACTER, HUH?

WELL, KEEP IT UP, PAL.

A COUPLE MORE MONTHS,

I’LL BE BACK IN UNIFORM.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

SOMEONE ELSE FOR DINNER?

YES. TED AND SISSY.

Theo: NEVER MIND, MARTHA. I’LL GET IT.

HELLO.

HELLO, HONEY.

HOW ARE YOU, THEO?

SHE’S FINE. LOOKS GOOD.

TASTES GOOD.

JOE!

SISSY, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO HANG ON TO YOURSELF.

HAVE A NICE TIME IN NEW YORK?

FINE. A LITTLE WARM,

BUT I PUT MY DEAL OVER.

Tom: GOOD, GLAD TO HEAR IT.

Sissy: HELLO, JOE.

HELLO, SISSY.

HI, SISSY.

TOM.

OH, EXCUSE ME, I’M SORRY.

TED AND SISSY, THIS IS...

JOE, WHY DON’T YOU INTRODUCE?

OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON.

THIS IS MARY SAUNDERS.

Joe: MR. AND MRS. MORTIMER.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?

LET’S SEE NOW, THE MORTIMERS...

I KNOW ABOUT THE WESTS.

OH, AND ESPECIALLY YOU, MRS. WEST.

JOE TALKED ABOUT YOU ALL THE WAY DOWN FROM VERMONT.

WELL, YOU MEAN YOU WEREN’T TOLD ABOUT THE MORTIMERS?

I’LL BET SHE WASN’T.

HMM?

WHY SHOULD SHE BE?

ARE THESE FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION, TOM?

OH, SURE, SURE.

GOOD FOR MAN OR BEAST.

ANYHOW, WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN VERMONT?

WHY, THAT’S MY HOME,

BUT WE STAYED LAST NIGHT AT MR. WEST’S MOTHER’S PLACE.

OH, I DON’T SEE HOW YOU COULD BEAR TO LEAVE THERE--

THAT BEAUTIFUL OLD HOUSE,

AND THAT LOVELY ROOM WITH THE SLOPING EAVES.

OH, JOE, I’M SORRY.

I GUESS I’M THE MOST FAMOUS SURPRISE-KILLER IN NEW ENGLAND.

OH, THAT’S ALL RIGHT.

THESE ARE GOOD, AREN’T THEY?

HEY, HONEY, YOU KNOW ONE IS YOUR LIMIT.

DINNER IS SERVED.

THANK YOU, MARTHA.

SISSY. DINNER.

WHAT’S ALL THIS ABOUT A SURPRISE-KILLER?

IF ANYBODY KILLED ANY SURPRISES, IT WAS I.

BUT WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE NOW?

COME ON, JOE, SPILL IT.

YOU’RE AMONG FRIENDS.

Sissy: OF COURSE, JOE.

OLD FRIENDS.

Ted: BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

IT SIMPLY MEANS THAT HE’S MARRIED.

COME ON, TOM, LET’S LEAD THE WAY TO THE FESTIVE FOUR.

MARRIED? CONGRATULATIONS, YOU OVERDUE ELIGIBLE.

AND YOU, TOO.

YOU KNOW, I WONDERED WHAT--

PLEASE, TED, THERE’S A 90-POINT ROAST WAITING.

COME ON, DEAR.

HA HA HA.

WILL YOU SIT HERE, DEAR?

JOE. TED.

ALL RIGHT, MARTHA.

Mary: THAT CERTAINLY WAS WORTH THE 90 POINTS, MRS. WEST.

Ted: MMM! MY FAVORITE DESSERT.

Mary: VERMONT IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL STATE.

Theo: I THINK SO TOO, MARY. \h\h\h\hVERMONT IS BEAUTIFUL.

I REMEMBER IT’S SO GREEN AND--

WE’VE GONE OVER VERMONT TWICE ALREADY, DARLING,

ALL OVER VERMONT, AND WE KNOW IT’S GREEN.

WHERE ARE YOU AND JOE GOING TO LIVE?

WELL, I THINK MAYBE HERE IN BOSTON.

BUT OF COURSE, I’D LIKE TO SPEND OUR VACATIONS UP HOME.

AND AFTER THE WAR, WHY, WE’LL WANT TO TRAVEL.

WELL, DOESN’T EVERYONE. WANT TO TRAVEL, I MEAN.

TOM AND I--

LET’S WIN THE WAR FIRST

BEFORE WE BUY OUR TICKETS, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

Sissy: OF COURSE,

BUT PEOPLE CAN DREAM, CAN’T THEY?

EVERYBODY PLANS A FUTURE.

DON’T THEY, JOE?

GO ON. WHAT ELSE DO YOU EXPECT YOU’LL DO?

GOOD GOSH, HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU, THE FBI OR SOMETHING?

ALL THESE QUESTIONS. I NEVER HEARD YOU SO CURIOUS.

OF COURSE, JOE’S A RATHER DIFFICULT CHARACTER,

TAKES A LITTLE UNDERSTANDING.

LOTS OF THINGS YOU’LL HAVE TO LEARN.

FOR INSTANCE, HE LIKES HIS COFFEE BLACK,

HIS STEAKS RARE, HIS LITERATURE MODERN--

UH, THAT’S RIGHT.

THAT ABOUT THE STEAKS IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD \h\h\h\hKNOW, MARY.

JOE GETS MEAN IF THEY’RE NOT.

RARE, I MEAN.

REMEMBER THE TIME WE ALL WENT TO LUCY’S FOR THE WEEKEND,

AND THE GAS WAS OFF AND WE BROILED OUR STEAKS

IN THE FIREPLACE?

YES, I REMEMBER.

I REMEMBER HOW JOE AND I WALKED FOR MILES

ALONG THE BEACH HUNTING FIREWOOD.

YOU DO REMEMBER, JOE, DON’T YOU?

YES, I REMEMBER.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.

IT’S NICE THAT YOU HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN.

YOU DON’T NEED THAT, DO YOU, DARLING?

OH, IT’S WONDERFUL BEING MARRIED TO A MORAL MAN,

GIVES YOU ALL SORTS OF BREAKS.

OF COURSE, JOE ISN’T A MORAL MAN.

HE WON’T LET YOU HAVE HIS BRANDY.

OH, I THINK HE WOULD.

LOOK, HONEY, UH, AFTER ALL, MAYBE THE REST OF THEM

AREN’T INTERESTED IN OUR PRIVATE LIFE.

Sissy: OH, YES, JOE, WE’RE INTERESTED.

VERY INTERESTED. WHY SHOULDN’T WE BE?

WE’VE ALL BEEN CLOSE, HAVEN’T WE?

VERY CLOSE.

AS CLOSE AS PEOPLE CAN BE.

ISN’T THAT TRUE, JOE?

YES, THAT’S TRUE, SISSY.

I’M SORRY, THEO. MARY AND I MUST RUN.

REMEMBER THAT APPOINTMENT WE HAD?

OH, YES, OF COURSE, DEAR.

WELL, GOOD-BYE, EVERYONE.

UH, I’LL SEE YOU TO THE DOOR.

GOOD-BYE.

AND CONGRATULATIONS, JOE.

JOE!

JOE, DARLING! OH, JOE, PLEASE!

MARY.

OH, SISSY.

OH, THEO, I’M SORRY. I TRIED, BUT I COULDN’T.

THAT GIRL--

BE QUIET, SISSY!

IT DOESN’T MATTER NOW.

SHE’S TOLD US.

WELL, I...GUESS I WASN’T SO INTELLIGENT AFTER ALL,

WAS I, THEO?

TOM, WHY DON’T YOU GET READY FOR BED?

YOU KNEW ALL ABOUT THIS.

I ONLY FOUND OUT YESTERDAY.

THAT’S WHAT I COULDN’T TELL YOU LAST NIGHT.

I KNEW WHAT IT WOULD DO TO YOU.

I KNEW WHAT THOSE PEOPLE MEANT TO YOU.

I SEE.

FORGIVE ME FOR THAT, THEO.

WELL, PLEASE DON’T APOLOGIZE IN THAT VOICE.

I’M SORRY. WE’RE-- WE’RE BOTH EXHAUSTED.

WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT TOMORROW.

NO. WE’LL NEVER TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN AFTER TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, THEN, WE WON’T.

ONLY PLEASE GO TO BED.

THEO.

WHAT?

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO MISTAKEN ABOUT ANYBODY

AS I WAS ABOUT SISSY?

YOU WEREN’T MISTAKEN ABOUT HER.

SHE’S STILL SISSY.

YOU’RE NOT DEFENDING HER, ARE YOU?

OH, TOM, YOU’VE ASKED ME A HUNDRED TIMES TO GROW UP,

BUT YOU’RE NOT BEING VERY OLD YOURSELF TONIGHT.

THESE THINGS HAPPEN, EVEN TO PEOPLE WE LOVE.

BUT YOU HAVE TO BEND A LITTLE

AND NOT LET YOURSELF BE SO KNOCKED OUT BY IT.

YOU TALKED LIKE THAT THE FIRST WEEK WE WERE MARRIED.

IS THAT ALL YOU’VE LEARNED?

YES, THAT’S ALL I’VE LEARNED.

AND WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?

ONLY TO BE STIFFER AND COLDER

AND TAKE EVERYTHING AND PEOPLE FOR GRANTED,

LIKE AN ADDING MACHINE.

WHAT’S THAT?

DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

NO.

OH, A NOTE.

YOU LEFT A NOTE LAST NIGHT.

YES, I DID, AND THIS IS IT,

ONLY YOU NEVER READ IT.

I DIDN’T SEE IT. IS THAT IMPORTANT?

YES.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN OUR LIVES.

YES, MAYBE IT IS.

THE REASON I DIDN’T WEAR

THOSE PAJAMAS LAST NIGHT

WAS THAT I WAS SO UPSET AFTER YOU LEFT,

I DIDN’T GO TO BED AT ALL.

YOU LIED TO ME...

ABOUT THAT AND ABOUT GOING TO THE MOVIES.

YOU LIED TO ME FOR THE FIRST TIME.

WHERE WERE YOU?

I WAS AT MILES LANCING’S

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

TOM, IF YOU’LL LISTEN A MOMENT,

I’LL TRY TO TELL YOU WHAT I WAS DOING THERE.

I WASN’T JUST ANGRY THAT YOU SUSPECTED ME LAST NIGHT.

I FELT SOMETHING YOU’VE NEVER FELT.

I FELT LOST--

LOST BECAUSE I KNEW WE WERE DRIFTING APART.

I WENT TO MILES BECAUSE...

WELL, MAYBE BECAUSE I’M NOT A GOOD WIFE.

OR...

MAYBE BECAUSE I AM A GOOD WIFE,

WHO HAD TO LEARN ONCE AND FOR ALL...

WHETHER HER HUSBAND COULD TRUST HER.

JUST ANSWER ONE THING--

IS THAT WHERE YOU WERE ALL NIGHT?

YES, THAT’S WHERE I WAS ALL NIGHT, BUT MILES WASN’T.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HE WAS OUT ON A TEST FLIGHT.

HE DIDN’T GET IN UNTIL ALMOST 5:00.

I FELL ASLEEP IN HIS LIVING ROOM,

OR ELSE I WOULDN’T HAVE WAITED.

YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT?

NO, BECAUSE IT’S THE TRUTH.

NO, IT ISN’T, BUT YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME THE TRUTH.

NOW TELL ME!

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, AND YOU’RE RIGHT!

THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY, ISN’T IT?

YOU’RE RIGHT.

I DON’T WANT TO FORGET IT.

I WANT TO REMEMBER IT.

THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR, ISN’T IT?

WELL, NOW YOU’VE HEARD IT.

AND THAT’S THE TRUTH?

NO!

BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THE TRUTH

WHEN YOU DO HEAR IT.

THEO...PLEASE, LET’S NOT DO THIS TO EACH OTHER.

WE’VE ALREADY DONE IT.

DARLING.

THERE’S NO USE TORTURING EACH OTHER ANY LONGER, TOM.

WE’RE FINISHED.

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW MY OWN MIND,

AND THAT’S NO GOOD FOR MARRIAGE, IS IT?

THAT’S NO GOOD FOR ANYTHING.

STRANGE, BECAUSE IF MILES HADN’T BEEN SUCH A GOOD FRIEND,

YOU AND I MIGHT BE ALL RIGHT NOW,

AND FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

BUT NOW, WE’LL NEVER KNOW, TOM.

SO YOU’D BETTER GO.

YES.

I’D BETTER GO.

[PLAYING A QUICK, \h\h\h\hJAZZY TUNE]

[NEW SONG PLAYING]

MAY I?

OH, OF COURSE.

THANK YOU. SHALL WE?

OH, PLEASE, JONESIE. I’M ALL DANCED OUT.

LET ME CATCH MY BREATH.

NOW, IS THAT FAIR WHEN YOU’VE TAKEN MINE AWAY?

WELL, ARE YOU GLAD TO BE BACK IN THE BIG TOWN, THEO?

OH, I DON’T KNOW.

GIVE US TIME, AND WE’LL MAKE BOSTON JUST A MEMORY.

BUT DON’T TELL ME YOU DIDN’T MISS THE ...

OH, BUT I DID..

PARTICULARLY SELLY.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

¡VIVA ECUADOR!

Woman: MUCHAS GRACIAS, SENOR.

POOR SELLY.

THAT’S JUST HIS IDEA OF THE GOOD NEIGHBOR POLICY.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

I HEAR TOM SLUGGED HIS WAY

BACK INTO THE AIR CORPS.

OH, YES.

AND THAT YOU’RE OFF TO RENO IN THE MORNING.

WELL, WHY NOT?

TOM AND I HAVE BEEN SEPARATED FOR 6 MONTHS.

HE WAS A FOOL TO LET YOU GO.

LET ME GO?

WELL, YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T DIVORCE THE SOLDIER WITHOUT HIS CONSENT.

EXACTLY.

PARDON ME, MRS. WEST. \h\h\h\hA TELEGRAM.

THANK YOU. DO YOU MIND?

SURE, BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

[BABY CRYING]

SHHH. BE QUIET.

I JUST CAN’T GET HIM QUIET, MRS. WEST.

WELL...

LET ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

COME ON, TOMMY, DARLING.

AH, DON’T CRY.

YOU BETTER GET SOME REST, MARTHA.

YES, MA’AM.

NO, NO, NO. OH, TOMMY.

OH, THERE YOU ARE, IRENE.

SENORA GUIZMAN HAS JUST GIVEN ME

A HUMDINGER OF A TIP

THAT I’M GOING TO PASS ON TO YOU.

MERCURY DEPOSITS THAT HER EX-HUSBAND DISCOVERED

NEAR QUITO.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

UH, I DIDN’T GET THAT QUITE RIGHT.

IT SEEMS THE SENORA DISCOVERED THE DEPOSIT,

AND HER HUSBAND FELL INTO IT.

WELL, IF IT SOUNDS ALL RIGHT,

YOU MIGHT TAKE OUT SOME STOCK FOR ME, SELLY.

OH, NO, MY DEAR.

THIS IS ONCE YOU’LL HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOURSELF.

I’VE PASSED ON THE INFORMATION ONLY TO INDICATE

THE RICHNESS OF MY HEART.

[DOOR OPENS]

Selly: OH, UH, THEO.

YES, SELLY.

IS IT, UH, TOMORROW MORNING YOU LEAVE FOR NEVADA?

YES.

I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU A GOING-AWAY PRESENT NOW--

YOUR MOTHER.

WELL! VERY DILIGENT AND FAST WORK, MY DEAR.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SENORA GUIZMAN RESPONDS IN SPANISH]

I SEE YOU CAN DOUBLE-TALK IN SPANISH, TOO.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[RESPONDS IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

SELLY!

I BEG YOU NOT TO DO ANYTHING NOW

TO LESSEN MY ADMIRATION FOR YOU.

I’VE ALWAYS KNOWN YOU AS A WOMAN WITH A SPINE

WHO COULD TAKE IT, AND I MEAN TAKE IT.

OOH!

OH, UH, BY THE WAY, THE NAME OF THAT STOCK

IS MERCURY INTERNATIONAL,

LISTED AT 4 3/4 AS OF TODAY.

GOOD-BYE, DARLING.

OOH! OOH, I SHOULD NEVER HAVE MARRIED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!

MOTHER, PLEASE, DARLING, DON’T.

HE’S A--HE’S A-- HE’S A...

DARLING, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT STOCK?

OH, MOTHER.

BUT WHAT WAS IT?

I DON’T KNOW, DEAR. I DON’T KNOW.

THEO. THEO, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I’M GOING TO BED.

OH, ALL RIGHT, IF YOU WANT TO BORE YOURSELF TO DEATH EVERY NIGHT,

THAT’S UP TO YOU.

I’M GOING BACK TO THE PARTY.

MOTHER?

HMM?

IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?

WHAT?

I MEAN, CURTAINS FOR SELLY, JUST LIKE THAT.

AND WHY NOT? WHICH WAY DO YOU THINK IS BETTER?

THE WAY SELLY AND I DID IT,

OR THE WAY YOU AND TOM DID IT?

OR PERHAPS YOU PREFER THE WAY

YOUR DECENT-FEELING FRIENDS THE MORTIMERS DID IT,

WITH SISSY HALF-CRACKED IN THE HEAD

EVER SINCE HER BOYFRIEND DROVE HIS CAR

OFF THE CHARLES RIVER BRIDGE.

YOU DON’T KNOW IT WAS SUICIDE. JOE WAS DRUNK.

I’M JUST ASKING YOU ONE THING

TO PENETRATE THAT SMUG, DEADLY SUPERIORITY OF YOURS.

WAS THE WAY YOU DID IT

ANY BETTER THAN THE WAY I DID IT?

NO, MOTHER, IT WASN’T.

WELL.

OH, TOMMY.

TOMMY, PLEASE GROW UP FAST

AND LEARN WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT,

SO YOU CAN TELL ME.

OH, TOMMY, TALK TO ME. \h\h\h\hTALK TO ME.

OH, GOD.

[WEEPING]

SAN FRANCISCO.

IT’S FASCINATING, FATHER.

YES, NOW THAT THE DIM-OUT’S BEEN LIFTED.

FUNNY, I--I DON’T SEEM TO REMEMBER THIS AT ALL.

[CHUCKLING] NO WONDER.

YOU WERE SO TINY WHEN YOU AND YOUR MOTHER WENT AWAY,

NO BIGGER THAN TOMMY THERE.

AND I SUPPOSE, LIKE TOMMY,

I COULDN’T TALK, EITHER.

OH, YOU COULD-- YOU COULD TALK, ALL RIGHT.

[THUNK THUNK]

Theo: TOMMY.

[BABBLES]

TOMMY.

HEE! AAAH!

BUT YOU WEREN’T QUITE AS NOISY.

TOMMY. TOMMY, TOMMY, TOMMY,

YOU BETTER LET MAMA HAVE THE HAMMER.

NO. LET HIM KEEP IT.

THEY FOUND EACH OTHER ON MY DESK--

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

MMM. ALL RIGHT,

BUT IF THIS IS THE WAY YOU’RE GOING TO GIVE IN TO HIM,

I’M NOT SURE I WANT TO COME BACK FOR HIM

WHEN I’M THROUGH IN NEVADA.

NEVADA. IN 3 WEEKS, YOU’LL BE FREE.

NO ONE IN THE WORLD WILL HAVE ANY HOLD ON YOU.

HA HA HA--EXCEPT THE YOUNG GENTLEMAN WITH THE HAMMER HERE.

DARLING,

I HOPE IF YOU MARRY AGAIN,

IT WON’T BE WITH THE IDEA

THAT YOU CAN CALL IT OFF LIKE A BALL GAME.

I COULD NEVER BE SURE ENOUGH

OF ANYTHING TO DO THAT.

THEO.

HMM?

WHERE’S TOM?

OH, HE--HE’S FINISHED HIS JOB

AND BACK IN THE ARMY SOMEWHERE.

ARE YOU...

ARE YOU SURE THAT’S ALL OVER?

OH, FATHER, I DON’T KNOW.

I--I BROKE UP OUR MARRIAGE BECAUSE I WAS NEVER SURE I BELONGED TO TOM.

YOU SEE, I’VE NEVER BEEN CERTAIN OF ANYTHING,

AND WHAT’S EVEN MORE HORRIBLE,

I PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE.

YES, YOU WILL BE,

SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW.

5 YEARS OR 5 MINUTES FROM NOW, SOME MAN WILL COME

THROUGH THAT DOOR OR ANOTHER DOOR,

AND THE MINUTE YOU LOOK AT HIM, YOU’LL BE SURE.

AND IF I’M NOT?

THEN YOU MUST NEVER MARRY AGAIN,

AND THAT WON’T BE YOUR FAULT,

BUT MINE--MINE AND YOUR MOTHER’S,

BECAUSE WE TORE THE CERTAINTY OUT OF YOU.

WELL, WE’VE GOT THE WHOLE WEEKEND FOR RECRIMINATIONS, HMM?

SO, IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’LL SEE ABOUT DINNER.

[TOMMY BABBLES]

COME ON, YOUNG FELLA. \h\h\h\hUP WE GO!

LET’S INVESTIGATE THE FOOD SITUATION.

\h\h\h\h[THINKING] THERE ISN’T ANYBODY WHO COULD COME IN THAT DOOR

AND SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET,

NOT ANYBODY,

BECAUSE I’M SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED.

AND YET, ALL MY LIFE MY HEART HAS BEEN JUST LIKE THIS ROOM--

WARM AND READY TO BE FILLED,

BUT...BY WHOM?

Man: REMEMBER ME, THEO?

BILL RICE, DALLAS, TEXAS,

LATELY, BOUGAINVILLE.

THE P-38 BENDER YOU PROMISED TO MARRY

FOR A WHOLE TWO-DAY HOUSE PARTY.

IT COULD HAVE WORKED, THEO.

YEAH, IT COULD HAVE AT THAT, HONEST.

I LOVED YOU SO MUCH, I WOULD HAVE CHANGED MYSELF TO SUIT YOU,

MADE MYSELF FINER AND QUIETER FOR YOU,

AND YOU WOULD HAVE MADE YOURSELF TOUGHER,

STRAIGHTER FOR ME.

IT COULD HAVE WORKED, THEO,

ONLY IT CAN’T NOW, BECAUSE I’M DEAD.

DEAD AT BOUGAINVILLE.

REMEMBER, YOU READ IT ON THE TRAIN

AND NEVER BLINKED?

AND YET, I COULD HAVE BEEN YOUR HUSBAND.

HONEST, I COULD, THEO.

\h\h\h\h[THINKING] \h\h\h\hSO THAT’S IT. IT COULD HAVE WORKED.

\h\h\h\hJUST PICK A NAME OUT OF THE TELEPHONE BOOK, LADY.

DOESN’T MATTER WHO.

Man: MAYBE THAT’S RIGHT, THEO.

YES, IT COULD BE RIGHT.

BUT I HAPPEN TO BE THE ONE YOU PICKED,

AND I HAPPEN TO BE THE ONE YOU MARRIED.

I WASN’T THE ONLY GUY IN THE BOOK,

AND MAYBE I WAS WRONG A LOT,

BUT WHAT WE HAD WASN’T SO BAD, WAS IT?

REMEMBER THE MAPLE LEAF? THOSE TIMES IN VERMONT?

LITTLE TOMMY.

AND THEN LOTS OF GOOD DAYS AFTERWARDS.

LITTLE THINGS TO REMEMBER, MAYBE ORDINARY THINGS,

BUT THEY WERE MADE SPECIAL,

BECAUSE THEY HAPPENED TO YOU AND ME TOGETHER.

THEO.

HELLO, THEO.

MILES. IS IT...

UH-HUH.

NOW, JUST DARE TELL ME YOU’RE NOT GLAD TO SEE ME.

OH, BUT I AM, MILES, I AM.

OH, I NEED YOU SO.

IS THAT WHY YOU’RE HERE IN SAN FRANCISCO?

NOPE. THAT’S WHY YOU’RE HERE.

I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU FOR DAYS

ON YOUR FATHER’S DOORSTEP,

BUT I’M ABOUT DUE TO TAKE OFF ANY TIME NOW.

WHERE?

SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC.

BOUGAINVILLE?

MAYBE.

MILES, WHERE’S TOM?

I DON’T KNOW.

HE’S BACK WITH OUR OLD SQUADRON SOMEWHERE,

BUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.

THEO, I’M HERE TO ASK YOU TO MARRY ME,

THAT IS, AS SOON AS YOU’RE FREE.

IT MIGHT GIVE US BOTH SOMETHING TO HANG ON TO

IN THE MONTHS TO COME.

YOU SEE, I HAVE A HUNCH

THAT YOU AND I COULD STAY MARRIED.

I COULD HAVE MARRIED YOU,

AND I COULD HAVE MADE A GO OF IT.

YES, I BELIEVE THAT.

AND I COULD HAVE MARRIED BILL RICE

OR ROGER POOLE OR...

OR I COULD HAVE MARRIED TOM WEST

AND MADE A GO OF THAT...

IF I’D GROWN UP IN TIME.

BUT NOW THAT...

THERE’S SOMETHING I NEVER FELT BEFORE,

THAT THE SURENESS DOESN’T COME ALL AT ONCE.

IT GROWS IN YOU AND KEEPS ON GROWING,

LIKE NOW, EVEN.

WELL, IT’S TOO LATE.

THERE WAS A REASON, MILES, WHY I MARRIED TOM.

AND THERE’S A REASON NOW, GETTING STRONGER EVERY MINUTE,

WHY I CAN’T MARRY ANYONE ELSE.

IT’S--IT’S HARD TO SAY. IT’S TOO NEW FOR ME.

BUT JUST BECAUSE EVERYBODY GETS MARRIED,

IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT IT’S AN INSTITUTION.

YOU SEE, IT’S YOU.

IT’S YOUR OWN PRIVATE AFFAIR.

THEO, DID YOU JUST TURN ME DOWN AGAIN?

MM-HMM.

\h\h\h\hPARDON ME. DINNER IS SERVED.

THANK YOU.

WELL, SHALL WE GO IN?

MILES.

OH, IT’S ALL RIGHT. YOUR FATHER ASKED ME TO STAY.

PLEASE, FIND OUT WHERE TOM IS.

THEY’LL TELL YOU. PLEASE, NOW.

HIGHLY IMPOSSIBLE I CAN DO IT IMMEDIATELY,

BUT THERE’S SOMETIMES A 1-3 HOUR DELAY ON MY MIRACLES.

BUT I’LL TRY, COME ON.

HEADQUARTERS ON THE PHONE, SIR.

NOW FOR THE MIRACLE. THANK YOU.

HELLO? OH, YES, YES.

[WHISPERING] Shh. Stop it.

HELLO, COLONEL RYDER?

THIS IS MILES. MAJOR LANCING.

UH, LOOK, SOMETHING IMPORTANT’S COME UP.

I’VE GOT TO GET THROUGH TO 1230th FIGHTER

TO LIEUTENANT TOM WEST.

[TOMMY BANGS]

OH, NO, SIR, IT’S PERSONAL.

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW THAT WE DON’T DO THIS

UNLESS IT’S REALLY IMPORTANT--

A QUESTION OF MORALE.

WELL, THAT’S IT, SIR.

YOU SEE, HE’S BEEN WORRIED ABOUT HIS WIFE.

I SEE, AND HAS SHE HAD HER BABY?

OH, YES. OH, YES, YES!

OH, SHE’S FINE NOW, AND THEY’VE GOT A FINE BABY.

A YEAR AND A HALF OLD.

HA!

OH--OH, WHAT’S THAT, SIR?

WELL, IT’S STILL VERY IRREGULAR,

BUT I’LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

UH, OF COURSE, YOU UNDERSTAND, MILES,

THAT I’LL HAVE TO LISTEN IN.

SERGEANT.

Man on intercom: YES, SIR.

CONNECT ME THROUGH TO HONOLULU FOR A RELAY.

HONOLULU? YES, SIR.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Man: MAJOR LANCING?

UH, YES, THAT’S RIGHT.

FINE. WE’LL WAIT.

HEE HEE!

ARE THEY GETTING HIM?

I THINK SO.

THAT’S RIGHT, FIRST LIEUTENANT TOM WEST.

[TOMMY BABBLES]

HERE, MOM. HERE, MAMA!

WELL, THANK YOU, DARLING.

LA LA LA EE TOY!

TOMMY!

OH, TOMMY, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

OH, DID YOU HEAR HIM, FATHER? HE SPOKE!

OH, THANK HEAVENS, YOU’RE NOT RUMANIAN.

YOU CAN TALK ENGLISH.

OH, TOMMY.

HELLO. NEW CALEDONIA? BOB WILTON?

OH, HELLO, BOB, THIS IS MILES LANCING IN SAN FRANCISCO.

I’M TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO TOM WEST.

HIS WIFE’S GOT A MESSAGE FOR HIM.

HE’S NOT ON THE COMBAT FRONT, IS HE?

OH, GOOD, GOOD.

NO, NO, NO, NO, DON’T TELL ME WHERE HE IS. THEY’LL CUT US OFF.

JUST GET US THROUGH TO HIM.

YEAH, MILES. UH-HUH. YEAH.

YEAH. WE’LL DO THE BEST WE CAN.

NOW, YOU SIT TIGHT AND HOLD ON. UH-HUH.

UH, NEW CAL TO QUIZ KIDS.

NEW CAL TO QUIZ KIDS.

I GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU. OVER.

QUIZ KIDS TO NEW CAL.

SEND YOUR MESSAGE. OVER.

I HAVE A RELAY MESSAGE FOR LIEUTENANT TOM WEST.

IS HE AVAILABLE? OVER.

LIEUTENANT WEST IS ON A FIELD.

I’LL GET HIM. STAND BY.

MAHONEY, RUN US OVER TO LIEUTENANT WEST’S PLANE.

YES, SIR.

HEY, TOM! HEADQUARTERS IS CALLING YOU ON A RADIO!

ROGER! BE RIGHT WITH YOU!

HERE’S LIEUTENANT WEST.

QUIZ KID 6 TO NEW CAL. OVER.

\h\h\h\hLIEUTENANT WEST, SAN FRANCISCO CALLING.

WE’RE SET UP ON A RELAY.

YOUR WIFE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

STAND BY.

OK, MRS. WEST, GO AHEAD.

[SCREECH]

WELL, GO ON, TALK, TALK.

OK.

HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME, TOM?

\h\h\h\hNO, NO, LOOK, IT’S NO USE, MRS. WEST,

HE CAN’T HEAR YOU.

LOOK, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU JUST SPEAK TO ME, AND I’LL PASS IT ON TO HIM,

WORD FOR WORD.

OH, WELL, TELL HIM, "TOM, TOM, DARLING."

UH-HUH, HOLD IT.

TOM, TOM, DARLING.

[GENTLE VOICE] TOM, TOM, DARLING.

YEAH.

I’M STILL MARRIED TO YOU.

UH-HUH.

I’M STILL MARRIED TO YOU. OVER.

NO, THEO.

I DON’T MEAN NO, I MEAN YOU WERE MARRIED

TO A STUFFED SHIRT NAME OF TOM WEST,

BUT THAT’S NOT ME ANY LONGER.

MM-HMM.

NO, THEO. I DON’T MEAN NO,

I MEAN, UH, YOU WERE MARRIED

TO A STUFFED SHIRT NAMED TOM WEST,

AND THAT’S NOT ME \h\h\h\hANY LONGER.

UH, YEAH.

TOM, LISTEN. I SAID I WANT TO STAY MARRIED TO YOU.

FOR GOOD. FOR GOOD, TOM.

AHEM.

TOM, LISTEN. I SAID I WANTED TO STAY MARRIED TO YOU.

FOR GOOD. FOR GOOD, TOM.

THEO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

OH, THEO. YES. I MEAN, IT’S FINE!

FINE!

YES, YES! I--NO.

\h\h\h\hYES, YES. I MEAN, IT’S FINE.

IT’S FINE.

OH.

COLONEL RYDER INTERCEPTING. WHAT ABOUT THE BABY?

OH, THE BABY. OH, YES.

YES, TOM. THE BABY SAID 4 WORDS TONIGHT.

4 WORDS--HA HA.

4 WORDS?

SERGEANT, BREAK THAT CONNECTION!

HELLO. HELLO? HELLO. \h\h\h\hHELLO! EH.

HEY, SHE SAID THE BABY SPOKE 4 WORDS TONIGHT,

AND THEN SOMEBODY BROKE THE CONNECTION.

BUT THEY CAN’T, I HAVEN’T TOLD HER HOW I FEEL.

BUT LOOK, I GOT LOCKJAW!

I’VE GOT TO GET THAT CONNECTION BACK!

I DIDN’T EVEN TELL HER I LOVE HER!

I DID.

HEY, BUT THEY CAN’T DO THAT! TRY AND GET HER--

SORRY, LOVER. CLOSING.

HA HA HA HA HA HA.

DID YOU HEAR? I’M STILL MARRIED. I’M STILL MARRIED!

YEAH, YEAH, BUT NOT TO ME, BUDDY, NOT TO ME.

OH.

OH, MILES, THANK YOU.

JUST CHALK UP ANOTHER MIRACLE,

EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR.

AND, UH, MAY I BE THE FIRST

TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR MARRIAGE, MRS. WEST?

UH-HUH.

AAAAH!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--