Original subtitles

Damn.

Last train to Fortune left here 12:05.

- No- - You didn't get here

'til 12:15.

I know that, 'cause that's when I start

closin' up around here.

The next train to Fortune don't come here for another week.

- Ooh- - Now, how you spend that time

is your own business.

All I'm saying is that the gentleman that was kind enough

to transport me to this rail station outpost,

he assured me- - Yeah.

That the train to Fortune leaves at 1:05 p.m.

And he told you wrong.

What am I ever to do?

I, I, I simply must be in Fortune

by Monday morning at the very latest.

Preston City's only about a mile back that way.

There's a livery there, and you can get a horse.

It's two-day ride from Preston to Fortune.

You play your cards right,

you can be trotting in there about this time Sunday.

But I wouldn't let any grass grow under you.

I'd get a move on.

Oh.

Hm.

The Wild West.

Well, gentlemen, ladies,

we'd better rest for a few moments.

We have a long, hot walk ahead of us.

Perhaps a few pages of Homer will reinvigorate

and inspire us for our own arduous odyssey ahead.

What the devil?

Oh.

Well, if I didn't know any better,

I'd swear that was a bullet hole.

Don't turn around.

It is a bullet hole.

Good God, I'm being burgled!

- Said don't turn around- - Oh, sir, sir,

that's a mere reflex, sir.

No, ill intent meant! - Empty your pockets.

Oh, but I don't have anything, sir.

Well, I guess, yow!

Please, sir, I am very ticklish.

Oh, no, sir, please, that's all the money I have.

It's everything I've got.

Give me your valuables.

I only have my school ring.

Here, here, here, here.

And the watch.

But, oh, must I?

You don't want this old watch surely, sir,

that's worthless and the clasp is broken.

I only keep it for sentimental reasons.

It belonged to my father.

It was passed down through the generations.

My dear departed father,

he was the most important person in the world to me,

and a gentle, and learned- - Shut up.

Father had that watch engraved for me

with his favorite inspirational quotes.

- What's in the bags? - Oh!

Oh, sir, I beg you, sir.

You don't want what's in that bag, sir.

It is, it's worthless.

It's just-

Oh, no.

- Books? - Yeah.

There ain't nothin' in here but stupid books?

Yes, they're just stupid books.

You're absolutely right.

- You a salesman? - No, sir, pedagogue.

A peda what?

An educator.

Huh?

Sir, I'm a schoolmaster.

School?

Screw school.

Now, move.

Please, sir, you've got the watch.

I said shut up!

Oh.

What, no Levi's?

Just a bunch of pansy shit, typical.

Yes, uh, that's just my underwear, sir.

You surely...

Now, if'n you know what's good for you,

you'll just keep sittin' there 'til I'm clean outta here.

You understand, old man?

I'll remain ever so still, you have my word.

I beg your pardon, sir.

Sir?

If I may borrow just one more moment of your time.

Whoa!

Great Scott!

Impressive aim, sir.

Don't try to butter me up.

Now, you either ain't right in the head

or you got a death wish.

Oh, well, believe me, under ordinary circumstances,

I would never disobey such a decisive command,

but alas, I'm desperate,

and we all know what Hippocrates said.

Who?

You know, Hip...

Anyway, he said,

"Desperate times call for desperate measures."

You...

No? Oh, well, no matter.

I'm merely stating that I would never be so brazen

as to tempt fate like this if I wasn't such a desperate man.

You're about to be a dead man.

I should specify.

I thought I was going to Fortune,

and I unfortunately missed the last train,

and I must be in Fortune by Monday,

hence a teacher can't be late for the first day of school.

How about I offer you

a business proposition?

A what?

I mean, please forgive my presumption,

but it, it seems blatantly obvious

that you're a man in need of funds.

I mean, you've already taken all I had on my person,

but I can offer you further compensation

when we get to Fortune.

When we get to Fortune?

Exactly, yes.

You see, I'm the new schoolmaster of Fortune.

I have a stipend waiting for me upon my arrival,

my first month's salary in full.

If you would escort me to Fortune in time

for Monday morning's bell,

I will be ever so happy to pass it over to you.

How much?

A month's pay

for a mere two-day trip to Fortune.

Do we have an agreement, sir?

What...

Oh, Jesus!

I'll be right there, sir!

Hello, hello, sir, hey!

You have an agreement.

I won't be one snippet of trouble.

I make a superb traveling companion.

I have some wonderful books for the journey.

I ain't got no interest in readin'.

What?

Well, perhaps you're just not reading the right books.

I mean, you know, reading, it's a gift,

challenges the imagination,

and enables one to experience many lives

and countless adventures.

I live out real adventures.

I don't need to read 'bout nobody else's.

You got a horse?

Well, well, um, that is part of the problem.

You see, uh, I was going to take the train,

but I'd be very happy just to walk alongside yours.

You're in luck,

'cause I just happen to be passing right through Fortune.

Yes!

And if'n you wanna walk all that way next to my horse,

well, I guess that's your business.

But if you breathe one word about me holdin' you up,

I'll blow your head off them spindly shoulders.

Fear not.

My lips are sealed.

I'm forever in your debt.

Thank you so much.

I'm coming.

Right behind you.

Oh!

Hang on.

Sir!

God!

Hang on!

Let's go!

That is certainly some steed, sir.

Ah.

Oh, oh!

It's all right!

I've got this!

I'm keeping up.

Ah, look, not to question your navigational prowess,

but wouldn't it be a lot easier

just to follow the railway lines?

We're taking a shortcut.

Leave 'em behind.

What do you mean leave them behind?

I said leave 'em.

They're slowin' us down.

All right.

I can acquire new undergarments in Fortune, yes,

but my books, no, my books are irreplaceable, sir.

I will never leave these books.

I mean, what is a teacher without books?

Where you're going,

no one's gonna give one damn about them books.

I respectfully must agree to disagree.

My sole purpose of traveling from England

to the New World was to teach

the wide-eyed waifs of Fortune.

Whoa!

Hey!

What are you doing now?

I cannot allow you to take my books!

You, you can't do that, sir.

You, you mustn't do that, please.

I mean, everything that I am is in these books, sir!

And I must have them to teach.

Please!

Oh, oh.

A wonderful idea.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, yes, saddlebag.

I wondered what they were for.

Wonderful.

You're a very reasonable man, mister...

I don't think I quite caught your name.

Mister...

All right, I'll go first.

My name is Cecil Caldecott Peachtree III

from London, England.

At your service, sir.

And you are?

Dooley, Jedidiah Dooley.

But don't you never tell no one my name.

Yes, mum's the word, sir.

Mum's the word.

Um, Mr. Dooley,

clearly, we English have been harboring

a false impression of you Americans.

I mean, the stories we hear about lawless American West,

I mean, clearly nonsense, erroneous.

In actuality, you're a friendly and obliging lot.

Oh, we ain't all so friendly. Better mount up fast.

- I beg your pardon? - Get in the saddle, quick!

Oh.

Oh, do you know those two gentlemen?

Gentlemen they ain't.

Now, move your ass!

Hurry up, old man!

Right, right, right, right-

Come on, get your foot in the saddle!

I've never mounted a stallion before.

Give me a minute.

We ain't got a minute.

Hey!

Wait a minute, this can't be right.

Oh, no!

Hyah!

Oh!

Come on!

Ah!

Hyah!

Ow, you're whipping me?

Mr. Dooley, they're catching up!

Hyah!

Now, they're shooting at us!

Well, then duck, goddamn it!

Oh, oh!

Come on, lean to your left!

I feel sick!

- Your other left! - Oh my-

Come on!

I think, I think we lost them.

Where'd he go?

Jesus, watch where you're shooting that thing, you idiot!

- Hyah! - Ow!

Oh!

You okay?

Yeah.

Oh, well, that was exciting.

I, uh, well, yes.

What the hell are you doing

facing that way for?

Turn your ass around, goddamn it!

Ooh.

Well-

Oh, ah!

I've got a cramp.

Cramp! - There you go.

Now, come over- - Whoa, whoa!

Get your ass back up on here.

Do it the right way this time.

Who, pray tell, were those hooligans?

What could they have possibly wanted?

I mean, it seems to me that

we might've found a more civilized method

of handling the situation.

Ow!

Ooh.

Oh.

I mean, perhaps if we've had

a courteous conversation with them,

maybe they'd have listened to reason.

You're a teacher?

Got a lot to learn, old man.

Oh!

Well, this is certainly more than we'd bargained for.

We've already been abandoned at the rail depot,

held up at gunpoint, and chased and shot at by bandits.

Oh, if only father could see us now.

I dare say though it gives one

a certain feeling of exhilaration.

We?

Who's we?

Oh, why William Shakespeare, Alfred, Lord Tennyson,

Charles Dickens, Henry David Thoreau,

Jane Austen- - Who?

The authors of my books.

They're like family to me.

I mean, surely you've heard of some of them.

Nope.

I ain't never heard of none of those names.

Oh, heavens, a triple negative.

I think what you meant to say is,

"I haven't ever heard of any of those names."

Hey!

If'n you want this trip to go nice and smooth,

like never ever tell me what I mean again.

Got it? - Yes, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, of course.

Force of professional habit.

I mean, I'll try, and I'll try my best.

Try real hard, huh?

Sorry, sorry.

Of course, you know, being an only child,

I didn't have the companionship of a sibling,

so I sought my refuge in books.

The characters were so vivid to me.

I mean, I'm not suggesting that I was a lonely child.

I mean, quite the contrary

My mother was a social butterfly,

the most wonderful dinners that she gave

where I met the most extraordinary people

from all stratas of society.

I remember a wonderful dinner party she gave

and invited a very famous conductor actually for dinner.

He passed wind, and we were giggling,

and we had to leave the room- - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Hmm, what? - Hey, keep quiet.

Stand up real slow like.

Whatever for?

Get up.

Oh!

Oh, oh!

No sudden movements, okay?

- Oh, yeah- - Don't wanna spook the man.

Howdy.

Ah.

Dear Lord, he's approaching us.

Just keep smiling and let me do the talkin'.

Oh.

Oh, it's wool tweed from London.

Nice wool.

Don't make a move.

Stay still.

Good heavens, well, what does he want?

He'll let us know. Then he'll leave, hopefully.

Oh, it's my books.

He, he cannot have my books!

I wouldn't tell him that.

Books?

You like.

Nice.

Take your pick.

Oh, don't encourage him, Mr. Dooley.

Keep your trap shut.

He can't have them.

I forbid it.

Don't listen to him, Chief.

You take whatever you want.

Fine.

If you must have a book,

ah, I suggest this one.

It's a seminal work.

What? You can still read it.

You just read around the hole.

No...

Ah!

This you will like.

"Walden," Henry David Thoreau.

Yes, it's about a naturalist similar to yourself.

Now, the book is a reflection of simple living

in natural surroundings.

Perhaps- - He can't understand you.

Thoreau.

I've read it.

You see, Mr. Dooley, reading unites cultures

from around the...

Oh, oh.

Oh, no, please.

No, you want my Dickens?

Oh, but- - You got it, Chief.

All yours, buddy.

I'm afraid you won't like that one.

It's far too dense.

Oh, it has too many characters, very hard to understand.

Well...

Oh, for me?

Take it.

Chief, please.

What is this?

Oh.

Hmm.

Wow.

Oh.

Oh!

That's too too sour for my palate.

Well, I'll have you note that gentleman just walked off

with "The Selected Works of Dickens," and for what?

A small sack of sour berries.

Well, that's hardly a worthwhile exchange, in my opinion.

I'm totally grief-stricken.

Oh, you're breakin' my heart.

Now, move.

This part reminds me of Wales.

The big fish?

No, the country of Wales.

You know, though we mourn the loss

of our beloved Charles Dickens,

at least we have William Shakespeare to enliven our spirits.

There's a certain civility one feels

when traveling with the old Bard.

Wouldn't you agree?

Huh?

Would you care to read it?

I mean, it's quite delicious.

The only delicious thing I want right now is

some fricassee rabbit.

Let's see if'n we can't kill one before it gets too dark.

What?

What do you mean?

Kill?

You mean dead?

Oh.

You know, my housekeeper, Mrs. Wilberforce,

oh, God, she prepared all my meals.

Oh, she was a saint,

especially for a man not blessed with a wife of his own.

Oh- - Shh!

He's a fat one.

Oh, no, he's so cute!

Look, I'd be content with the Chief's berries,

you know, sour as they are.

Watch out!

- Oh, jeez- - No-

Look what you did!

Oh, the poor little thing-

Get your ass back to the campsite.

Let me handle this without you breathing

all down my damn neck.

Don't you have beans?

I mean, all cowboys have beans!

Ugh! What? - Skin it.

What?

I, I will do no such thing!

Well, maybe in merry old England,

you eat rabbit different,

but out here, we skin 'em

and cut out the guts before we cook 'em.

Now, I'ma get some firewood.

Honestly, Mr. Dooley, I think I'd be far superior

at gathering firewood than at skinning prey.

Would it at all be possible to trade off?

I did the killing.

Now you do the skinning.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear.

My deepest apologies for the indignities

that you're about to suffer.

Whoo!

Finger-lickin' good.

"The lark's on the wing,

"the snail's on the thorn,

"God is in heaven,

"all's right with the world."

Quit that Bible readin'.

If I wanna hear God talk, I go to church.

I can't imagine you wanting

to go to church all that often.

Shows what you know.

My mama, God rest her soul,

she used to drag me to church every Sunday

to beat the good Lord into her hellspawn.

Yeah, I hated it.

But looking back now, it's about the only good memories

I got with her before she got sick.

I suppose you are right though.

I ain't been to church in a coon's age,

but that don't mean I ain't right with God.

Me and him, we, we got an understanding.

He gets me.

I'm sure he does.

And by the way, for your information, this is not the Bible.

This is Robert Browning.

Not to be too presumptuous,

but, um, I gather your education was limited?

The only learnin' one needs to know out here is

how to shoot straight and how to count your money.

Oh, you see, that's where I beg to differ, Mr. Dooley.

Practical knowledge of one's trade is,

of course, certainly important,

but a broader education is the tool

that breaks down all barriers.

Speakin' of education, I've been wondering.

How come an educated feller like you is going to Fortune?

I mean, it's just a spit bucket in the middle of nowhere.

Well, sir, if truth be known,

I was dismissed from my last post

for a gruesome display toward my superior.

Wait, you was fired from teaching?

Regrettably and shamefully, yes.

What'd you do, goose the librarian?

I struck the headmaster.

Ah...

You, you thumped the boss?

I mean, it feels if it wasn't me at all,

but some pagan, some loathsome creature

who overtook my senses.

But alas, it was me.

So, so why'd you wallop the old geezer?

Well, I had a very bright pupil,

and he was reading an essay he'd written

on the possibility that we humans have descended

from tiny microscopic organisms,

inspired by Darwin, you know.

Wait, who?

A rather iconoclastic biologist.

Nonetheless, he said Darwin points out rather aptly

that perhaps man evolved

from tiny one-celled organisms to his present state.

Well, much to our surprise,

the headmaster was listening at the door,

and before we'd even had a chance to debate the topic,

he just burst into the room and screamed,

"How dare you blaspheme under this roof, you heathen!

"God is the only creator of man!"

And then he took this stick

and started to beat on poor Barnabas.

That's when the beast rose from within me.

I snatched the rod from him,

and a fit of uncontrollable range,

I struck the poor man across the head,

and I said to him in a trembling tone,

"Sir, don't you ever strike

"one of my students ever again!"

Holy stick!

Good on you, boy!

Oh, it was a momentary victory, I'm afraid.

After I was dismissed,

I couldn't get a post anywhere in England.

So I decided that it was time to move to the New World.

Hm.

But alas, my tarnished reputation had already preceded me

at all the finer American academies,

and turns out I was unhirable here, too.

It was then that I saw an advert in "The Boston Gazette."

The town of Fortune was looking for a teacher.

So I wrote, and they responded with a letter of acceptance.

End of one chapter, the beginning of another.

Why don't you just give up teaching and find another job?

Give up teaching?

Never.

You see, Mr. Dooley, all I ever wanted to do was to teach.

Where I serve and to whom

I now know is in the hands of a higher power,

because teaching, I mean,

it's not just a job.

It's my calling.

And fate has now led me to answer that calling

in the tiny frontier town of Fortune.

You see, the purpose of teaching isn't

just to force students to memorize facts and dates.

It's to inspire them

to unlock that little door hidden deep within us all

that gives us permission to dream,

dream of a better life for ourselves,

and a better future for all.

When I think back on all those wonderful teachers

who had such an impact on my life,

I'm forever grateful to them.

I so wish I'd said something to them

because now I know just how much

that would've meant to them.

The greatest reward a teacher can receive is

the knowledge that he's made a difference,

even if it's just to one child's life.

Listen .

"Good night, sweet prince."

All aboard!

Ah!

Get up, princess.

Time to ride.

There's a little coffee left.

Oh, well, thank you very...

Oh.

Don't give me that look.

I only gave you that blanket

'cause your teeth were chatterin' so loud

it sounded like you was rattling coins in a tin cup.

How else was I supposed to get any sleep?

Well, thank you just the same.

Do you happen to have any tea?

Don't like it?

Good, more for me.

Okay.

Whoa.

Oh, ah!

Now get your ass movin'.

We've got a lot of ground to cover today.

Ah!

Uh...

Do you have a shovel?

My goodness.

You got us to Fortune a whole day early.

You're amazing, Mr. Dooley, amazing!

Oh, no, this ain't Fortune.

Fortune don't look this good.

This is Lobo.

- Oh. - Now, get off.

I beg your pardon?

We ain't ridin' into town piggyback.

- Oh- - You get off right here.

Oh. Ah!

Hyah!

Hey!

Where will I find you?

Miss Lily's Saloon!

And what about my books?

Hey!

Hyah!

Hyah, hyah, hyah!

Come on, now, come on.

♪ You think it's heaven when you been ♪

Jolly nice day for a walk.

I don't know what's so jolly nice about it, flower mouth.

What?

Oh, hello. ♪ My name ♪

♪ Under your hat ♪

♪ 'Cause when you go ♪ - Oh!

♪ You won't come back ♪

♪ Off to Fortune ♪

♪ Out of these chains ♪

♪ Over the hills ♪

♪ You hear that train ♪

♪ I'm afraid the worst is yet to come ♪

♪ Better know the game ♪

♪ Better grab your gun ♪

♪ When you bid farewell ♪

♪ To this town of mine ♪

♪ You're gonna wish that you could stop time ♪

♪ All seems lost ♪ - Ow, ow!

♪ But soon you'll find ♪

Hey there, lads! ♪ There's more to life ♪

Your rock hit me on the back of the head.

It was an accident.

Yes, I surmised as much.

As a result, it is incumbent upon you to apologize to me.

There's a what on me?

What?

Oh, uh, it's incumbent upon you,

meaning it's a necessary duty for you to apologize.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Oh, oh, whoa, wait, wait a minute. Hold on there a moment.

Do you lads go to school?

- Nope, not no more. - What?

You relinquished your studies at your ages?

Our teacher's dead.

Mr. Banks shot him for calling his son an idjit.

Hey!

Mental note,

don't call anyone's child an idiot.

♪ Better know the game ♪

♪ Better grab your gun ♪

♪ Better know the game ♪

♪ Better grab your gun ♪

Oh!

Come here, chicken.

Got your little nose.

Huh.

For real.

They had once a week at least.

Once a week?

Hi.

Aces full of kings, Chet.

Uh-uh, oh, oh, oh.

Four of a kind, twos.

Goddamn desert canary.

What's the rush, kid?

You should try your luck at another hand.

Oh!

Damn, damn it, Cecil.

Don't creep up on a man like that!

You could get shot.

You just lost my father's beautiful watch in a card game!

No, my watch, old man, mine.

And by the way, it's Cecil.

We should be leaving now.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

We should- - Hey!

Oh, oh!

Look what you did to my shirt.

You're supposed to say, "Excuse me."

Well, I believe I did, good sir.

- Yeah, I heard him say it. - Yeah.

Now, let him go before I put a hole

in that shirt next.

You know what I say

when young snot-nosed punks try to threaten me?

Huh?

Ow.

Carl or Riev,

kindly escort this gentleman from the premises.

- Hmm? - Hmm?

Now, what can I get you two?

Well, look at what the jackalopes dragged in.

How you doin', Dooley?

Never better, Lil.

How about some whiskey?

Mm, Amanda!

Lover boy is here!

And what's your pleasure, sweet stuff?

Oh, no, nothing for me, thank you, madam.

- Ow! - Ooh.

Dooley!

Ah!

Hey.

Been such a long time this time.

I had thought you was never coming back.

Yeah.

I'm sorry about that, babe. - Mm.

Been working.

But I'm back now.

Oh.

Who's this sweet old thing?

Your grandpa?

Him?

No, he ain't my grandpa.

Your friend?

And he definitely ain't my friend.

Actually, we are traveling companions.

Traveling companions.

He's kind of cute.

Ain't he, Lil?

Uh, yeah, he sure is.

Just look at them baby blues.

Oh.

Madam, charmed and enchanted.

Oh!

Oh, we finally got a gentleman in this dump.

Dooley, where'd a low-life desperado like you find

a silver fox like him?

Permit me to introduce myself.

Cecil Caldecott Peachtree III

at your service mouth, ma'am.

Damn mouthful, don't you think?

"A name pronounced is the recognition

"of the individual to whom it belongs.

"He who can pronounce my name all right,

"he can call me and is entitled to my love and service."

Henry David Thoreau.

Old Cecil here is a bookworm.

Come on, Cece, loosen up for once.

Lil, a whiskey for the book man.

I'm buying. - Uh, Mr. Dooley,

I never partake in spirits

save for the occasional rum punch at Christmas soirees.

Wait, uh, Mr. Dooley, I didn't see our steed outside

when I came into the saloon.

I mean, it wasn't stolen, I hope.

Our steed?

Ain't he somethin'? - My books.

It's just I can't abide to have them out of my sight.

We simply must be going- - Relax.

Our steed is at the livery having a shoe change.

You entrusted my beloved traveling companions,

my rare editions to a, a common frontier blacksmith?

Well, what's your hurry?

Why don't you stay a while and have a little drink with me?

Private like.

Thank you ever so much,

but I'm most uneasy when my books are out of my sight.

Told you he's crazy.

Well, I got a book upstairs

if that's what turns you on, darling.

It's called the "Kamay Sue Tray."

You ever hear of it?

"Kamay Sue Tray"?

Oh, the "Kama Sutra."

Oh, uh, well, I can safely say

that is one book that I have never read.

No, I just look at the pictures.

It has pictures?

- Mm-hmm. - I mean, I-

Hey!

Problems with these buttons here.

I, I-

Oh!

The spittoon's for spittin' in,

not for pissin' in, you filthy animal!

Take it outside!

Dadgum it, Lil!

Next time, I'll stab it to the wall!

You're a gosh darn wall...

I'm sorry, darlin'.

Now, what were we sayin'?

Oh, yes, I was gonna buy you a drink.

Oh, oh, fine, but instead of a libation,

you wouldn't happen to have a cup of tea?

No, not with the tea again.

- Mm. - Come here, come here.

Listen to me.

Drink the whiskey.

I've never drunk whiskey,

I mean, not straight whiskey in my whole life.

Well, then it's high time you did.

Now, if you wanna see Fortune, drink it.

Buck up.

Oh.

Well...

When in Rome.

Cin-cin.

You, you don't sip it like a prissy little old lady

at a doily party!

You down it like a man.

Watch.

Barkeep, I'll have another.

Hey, listen, I'll be back in a jiff.

Don't fret none about them books.

We'll get 'em.

Where are you, where are you-

Where am I goin'?

Mm, here you go.

For me, thank you.

I do say the taste rather grows one one, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah, I would say.

Hello.

Ain't that a sexy number.

It's from France.

It took six months to get here.

You like it?

- Like it? - Mm-hmm?

I love it!

Oh!

I'm so glad you're staying this time, Dooley.

You know what I wish?

Hmm?

I wish I could go to France someday and see Paris.

I just know I'd love it so.

Well, your wish is my command.

My baby wants to go to Paris, my baby gets to go to Paris.

Yeah, right.

Wait, are you being serious?

Serious as typhoid fever, baby.

Oh, Dooley, Dooley!

Oh!

That would be the most wonderful thing anybody has ever...

Wait a minute.

How can you afford to go to Paris?

You can barely afford a can of beans.

Oh, you just leave that to me.

- Mm-hmm? - I got some big ideas

I'm working on. - Mm.

Here, I got you something

to prove my intentions.

Close your eyes and put out your hands.

Okay, okay.

And open 'em.

What do you think?

Oh my God.

Dooley, it is beautiful.

Ooh.

That one had a more full-bodied flavor to it.

Do I detect hibiscus?

It's all coming from the same bottle, sweetheart.

Are you, uh, are you feeling okay?

Maybe you had enough.

You look like you might need to lie down.

No, no, no, no-

Ruckus juice.

Doesn't anyone say please

in this prepubescent country?

Huh?

Huh.

Oh, well, I know you.

It's the Philistine

who stole my father's watch!

What the hell you babblin' about, old-timer?

And who's Phyllis?

I'm ordering you now, sir, to hand it over posthaste.

Oh.

Is this what you're talkin' about here?

Yeah.

This was yours, yeah?

Pretty, ain't it?

I've grown attached to this. - Okay.

What if I don't give it back to you?

What are you gonna do about it?

Hmm?

Careful now.

Ooh.

Okay.

Ooh.

Dooley, darlin', get downstairs!

Your little friend's in a heap of trouble!

Hurry! - Oh, shins.

What the hell is it now?

I'm sorry, baby.

Oh, it's, it's okay.

Right, oh!

Oh!

Whoa!

Yeah, here it comes.

Here it comes. - Whoa!

Oh!

- Ooh! - Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Dooley, hurry!

Wait, whoa-

Oh!

What the hell's the matter with you?

Can't you see he's delicate?

Oh!

Ah, dang it!

Let go of my ears!

Son of a bitch!

Dooley!

Oh, good thinkin', Lil.

- Get it off, boy! - Move it, Cal!

Oh!

Oh!

You humored me earlier,

but now, you've done agitated my mood.

Does it make you feel good to beat on an old man?

Mr. Dooley, let me just cover

this gentleman's cleaning bill.

Violence is never the answer.

Your old friend may be right.

He may be right, folks.

Let's let bygones be bygones.

Hey!

Get out!

Oh.

- Oh! - There he goes!

That's one way to get your winnings back.

Sometimes, teach, violence is the only answer.

Did you see all that?

I certainly did.

- Yeah! - Oh!

Howdy, Sheriff.

I...

Ooh, ooh, ooh-

Buy a drink?

Get up, Dooley.

You got company.

You can only stay a minute.

You sure know how to get a guy

in a mess of trouble, old man.

Oh, please, I've got the most terrible migraine.

And by the way, if my memory serves,

it was you who insisted that I ingest that foul toxin.

Well, how was I supposed to know you had a gag button

like a rigged penny slot machine?

Another colorful idiom.

What'd you call me?

The word is idiom, a figurative, non-literal phrase.

Mr. Dooley, with your permission,

I intend to remove my property from your saddlebags,

and find an alternative escort to Fortune.

Thank you for getting me thus far.

Wait, wait.

You can't trust no one from here to, to take you to Fortune.

This patch of dirt is all thieves and outlaws.

If I could just get outta here, we could be on our way.

Bust me out.

Good heavens, no!

- Shh, hey! - Absolutely not-

You want the sheriff to hear?

Now, listen, you can do this.

Never.

I'm a principled man.

Well, what about that kid you were telling me about from,

from one of them books?

What, what was his name again?

Uh, Oliver Twixit.

Why, Mr. Dooley, I, I do believe

you've been listening to me,

and you really amaze me.

I mean, um, of course, you are referring to "Oliver Twist."

Yeah, exactly, didn't, didn't you say

he busted outta somewhere?

Ah, yes, young Master Twist breaks free

of the arduous workhouse, a harrowing escape.

- Mm. - That said,

a more apt example might be "The Count of Monte Cristo."

Now, that's the pinnacle of prison novel.

See?

That's entirely different.

I mean, pure fiction.

Look, I'm only in this cage

'cause I was sticking up for you.

Now, how about you show a little appreciation

and help me out?

Absolutely not.

Oh!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Shut up!

Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh, God!

Goddamn it, Dooley, shut up!

Hey, knock off all that racket!

Hey, help me!

Call for a doctor!

Quit your bellyachin' and sleep it off.

Oh, God!

I...

Oh, God-

Jesus Christ!

That's blood!

I'ma get the doc.

You hang tight!

Oh, God!

Ugh! - Psst!

Psst!

- Oh, God- - Mr. Dooley!

Yeah?

Is he gone? - Yes!

Gotta hand it to you, teach,

using them berries was a damn good idea.

He totally bought it.

Well, we've got the Chief to thank for that.

That's right.

Thanks, Chief.

Okay, now work fast.

- Keys. - Yes, keys, come on.

Go get 'em, go get 'em- - I am, yes-

That way!

All clear.

Okay, did you do like I said?

I did indeed, sir.

Good, let's move.

Oh my goodness, this reminds me of my eighth summer

when I ate all my mother's damson jam

and blamed poor Thomas Wick.

Oh, I didn't confess, and he was paddled for it.

Oh my goodness, sorry, Mommy.

Sorry, Tommy.

- Ooh, ooh, real- - Oh!

- Ooh, come on, come on! - Ooh-

- Hurry- - Dooley!

Oh, shoot!

What you doin', boy?

Hyah!

Get back here, you rascal!

Don't make me shoot you, boy!

Dooley!

I'll be back for you, baby,

when I can afford to take you to Paris!

- I'll be waiting, baby. - Au revoir, madame!

Bye-bye, baby blues!

Halt!

Huh?

What?

Dooley!

If we head out at sunup,

we'll be pulling into Fortune

just in time for Sunday supper.

How's that for service?

Miraculous.

That'll give me an entire night to get settled

and organized before the 7:00 a.m. Monday morning bell.

You are indeed a man of your word, Mr. Dooley.

Thank you.

You ever get tired of readin' them same books

over and over again?

No, never.

You know, I still don't know

what's supposed to be so damn fun about readin'.

It introduces you to new ideas,

expands your knowledge.

Plus, being educated opens up a whole new world

of possibilities with regard to one's future.

Why, I'd wager with a decent education

you'd be able to get a wonderful job.

No, correction, career.

You think?

- Mm. - What makes you so sure?

Thoreau said, "It's not what you look at.

"It's what you see."

I may be looking at a fearsome outlaw,

but what I see is a bright young man

with a brilliant future ahead of him if he wants it.

Now, look, I've selected a book for you.

This is "Gulliver's Travels."

It's about an adventurer such as yourself,

but it's also a biting satire on politics and human nature.

All right, read it to me.

Well, I, I really think you'd enjoy it more

if you read it yourself.

I don't wanna read it myself.

I just wanna hear it.

Hm.

You know what?

Just forget it.

Fair enough.

Oh, um...

Mr. Dooley, do you use that thing often?

My six-shooter?

Often enough.

Tell me, have you actually shot

a fellow human being with it?

What?

You, you gotta be kiddin' me.

Out here, everyone shoots someone.

It's like the law of the jungle.

Wild animals killing wild animals, you know?

There ain't no other way.

If I'm not being too bold,

just how many

have you killed?

19.

My God, 19?

One thing I could teach you, teach,

the faster gun lives another day.

- Oh. - Hmm?

Fascinating.

But I never killed no woman

or no young'un, you know,

and I never shot no man in the back.

Well, bravo to that.

Here, wanna try it?

Shooting a pistol?

Yeah!

No, I, I don't think so.

Man, you went ass over elbows.

Got some kick, don't it?

See?

Nothin' to it.

Come on, you big sissy, try again.

No, no, no, no more, no more, no, I-

- What? - I can't do any more.

Oh, come on.

You know what you are?

An old fart.

I beg your pardon?

That's right, a dusty old fart.

Comparing me to a fouled wind from the bowels?

What, because I refuse to partake

in your silly little shooting customs?

Well, that's outrageous, sir, outrageous!

Listen, teach.

This is the Wild West.

You gotta know how to shoot to survive.

I mean, you're, you're the one

who taught me about Durwin

and all his survival of the fittest hoo-ha.

Well, whoever shoots best is the fittest in these parts.

Darwin.

Look, it's cowardly.

Are you calling me a coward?

If it howls like a wolf.

A wolf?

Well, what in the hell does a goddamn wolf

have to do with anything?

What, what, what are you talking about?

It's a metaphor.

Well, you wouldn't be callin' me no coward

if you'd have seen how I had to use this gun

to get myself outta jam after jam.

I mean, you, you wouldn't believe half the stuff I seen.

Hell, they should be writing books about me

for what I've been through.

And in fact, I bet if you were reading about

my adventures in some damn book,

you'd be singing a whole different tune about

who's a coward or not.

You'd be, you'd be saying the, the character of Dooley is a,

is a romantical hero of the American West!

Look, I was merely stating

that there are more civilized ways

to settle disputes than to hide behind guns.

Says the man who ain't never stared

down the barrel of one.

Ah, correction, I've stared down the barrel of yours,

and did having my own gun save me from you?

No! - Oh, please-

No, all I had were my words.

Please, you was never in any real danger.

I'd have never shot an unarmed man,

even one as annoying as you.

Although now I'm starting to question that philosophy.

Mr. Dooley, all I'm saying is

that guns are not the answer.

Wrong!

No!

Guns are the only answer.

There ain't no other way.

Have you ever heard of the expression,

"The pen is mightier than the sword"?

No, I ain't!

Well, it's mightier than the gun as well,

and I hope you absorb that lesson before it's too late.

I really do, and it's, "No, I haven't," by the way.

I done told you never to correct me again.

And you done lost out on your blanket privileges.

My blanket.

Good night then.

Oh.

Ah.

Beautiful stars.

Ah.

Ah.

Don't move.

Snake.

What a nice surprise.

Shut your hole.

Uh, uh-uh.

Oh, what, what's happening?

Oh, what the devil?

What's going on?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Down, boy!

- What's the meaning of this? - Teach, teach,

for once in your life, shut up.

Well, Dooley, looks like we meet again.

You know these men, Mr. Dooley?

Mr. Dooley.

Ain't we sophisticated, huh?

Can I drop him now, Snake?

In a minute.

Snake?

Oh, well, what a colorful,

albeit somewhat cliched, nickname.

No, I mean, assuming that Snake is not

your Christian name, of course.

Oh, God, here we go.

Christian?

You a preacher man?

No, I'm actually a teacher.

It's merely a term, you know?

One's Christian name is their given forename.

My family name is Peachtree,

but my Christian name is Cecil, Cecil Peachtree.

Mr. Dooley's is Jedidiah, you see.

So his Christian name be Charlie.

Oh, Charlie, precisely, yeah.

Gotcha.

Hey, Charlie- - Huh?

Kick his pieces straight over here to me.

Oh, with pleasure.

- No, no, no, Charlie. - Hey-

- Ah, oh! - Stop!

- No, ow- - Hey!

Snake, snake, come on- - Well, there's no need

to do that, Charlie.

Empty your pockets right now.

Okay, empty your pockets.

Do what he says. - Eh.

Sorry, I've only got a hanky.

What's that?

What's an old fart like you doing

riding with scum like him?

What is this country's fascination with farts?

Speak up!

Oh, well, you see, um, I was on my way

to the town of Fortune.

Oh, please, sir, don't toy with Gulliver, please, no.

Anyway, quite by accident, I missed the last train,

and that's when kind Mr. Dooley agreed to escort me

to the town of Fortune.

Please, don't, don't mess with Gulliver, no!

Oh, no!

Gulliver, no!

Please!

So he's kind Mr. Dooley, is he?

Travel on, sweet Gulliver.

So, uh, did kind Mr. Dooley agree to escort you to Fortune

before or after he robbed you?

Well, that's neither here nor there.

But sir, I simply must protest.

Burning books is a sin.

So's stealing.

It looks like you and us got something in common.

We all been swindled by kind Mr. Dooley here.

Looks like he stole all your money

and your belongings,

just like he stole our horse.

Your horse?

Mr. Dooley.

I trusted you.

I take you in.

You didn't have nothin'.

You eat my food, you drank my whiskey.

I took you under my wing and trained you.

I treated you like the son I never had.

What do I get in return?

What's my thanks?

A stab in the back.

Look at me, coward!

"Et tu, Brute?"

- What? - I .

Oh.

"Et tu, Brute?"

It's Latin phrase made infamous

when Julius Caesar recognized

his trusted friend Brutus as one of his assassins.

It's the most legendary betrayal.

You may recognize the phrase from the Shakespeare play,

you know, uh, "Julius Caesar."

I was reminded of it when you said that-

- Shut up- - Shut up!

All right, shutting up.

But just one thing- - Shut up-

If I may.

Just one more thing.

You see, I've gotten to know Mr. Dooley

fairly well over our time together,

and I find him to be a man,

to be honest, of absolute integrity.

So I'm certain if he stole your horse,

he had a very good reason in doing so,

and, and you all know what Hippocrates said.

He don't know!

Now, will you shut up?

Course I do.

What, I look like a idjit?

"Desperate times calls for desperate"-

Wow!

Wow! - Uh-huh.

Oh, yes.

Mr. Snake, excellent.

Very good.

Almost.

And I'm sure Mr. Dooley was

in very desperate straits indeed

when he made the ill-conceived decision

to abscond with your horse.

Now, as one learned man to another,

I've got the perfect solution to our little dilemma.

Why don't you just take your beautiful horse back

and all the cash for your troubles and go on your merry way,

no harm, no foul?

Just like that?

Just like that.

Well, that sounds kind of nice and civilized.

You see, Mr. Dooley, when cool heads prevail, hmm?

There's one problem.

If we do it like you say,

then I won't get the satisfaction

of seeing kind Mr. Dooley's brain splatter

against that rock right there.

Now, watch and learn, teacher, 'cause you're next.

I'll see you soon, Mama.

No, oh!

No, no!

Oh, no!

No!

- Leave them books alone! - Oh, God!

Oh, no!

Oh!

Ah, oh, oh!

Oh, ooh!

Oh!

Oh, God.

Ow!

Ah!

Dooley!

Behind you!

Uh...

Oh, oh!

Hey!

Come on now!

Take that!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh.

Ugh.

Ugh!

Ah.

Ugh.

Ooh.

Oh.

Ah.

Oh.

Ah.

Oh.

Mr. Dooley?

Mr. Dooley?

No.

Mr. Do...

Mr. Dooley.

Oh my God, Mr. Dooley.

No.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, no, forgive me.

It was all my fault.

I, I do apologize.

Oh Lord, forgive me!

No.

"Out, out, brief candle.

"Life's but a walking shadow,

"a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage

"and then is heard no more.

"It is a tale told by an idiot

"full of sound of fury

"signifying nothing."

Oh!

Oh, Mr. Dooley.

Praise the Lord, you're alive!

Oh, thank goodness.

Are you all right? - Yeah, yeah, get off of me.

All right, right-

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, be careful!

God!

Don't put any weight on it.

Mr. Dooley, sir, Mr. Dooley-

Oh, he...

Is, is he, is he dead?

Yeah, it would appear so.

Check.

Make sure.

Mr. Dooley, I...

I suppose his compatriot Charlie has run off.

Ooh!

He's got a hole in his forehead

the size of a gold sovereign.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, I guess

this makes number 20 for you.

Yeah.

Oh, God, 20?

Number 20.

Now, look, we must regain our focus.

I really must attend to your wounds, sir.

Okay.

Oh. - Oh my God.

It's gone right through.

Oh, oh, no, help!

Help! - Who the hell

are you yellin' for?

We must get you to a physician, Mr. Dooley.

Just need to heat up a blade

and, and singe the holes,

and wrap it up real tight.

I can't believe he's really,

he's real, he's really .

Oh!

You, you,

you crazy old fool.

This is all your fault.

You couldn't keep quiet, could you?

I could've handled this situation like I always done.

But no, you and your damn talk and your damn books!

I should've let those books burn,

but no, you had me all convinced they was so important!

He'd still be alive right now if it wasn't for you.

All they wanted was their damn horse back.

Begging the gentleman's pardon,

but it would appear that they wanted

a little more than just their horse back.

I mean, Mr. Snake, he didn't seem to be satisfied

with anything other than our brains splattered

all over this rock- - Oh, bull spit!

You don't know nothin', old man.

I've been in a million jams like this before a million times

when it seemed like it was curtains,

and I got out of it every time

without never havin' to kill nobody.

Why, Mr. Dooley,

you've never killed anyone before, have you?

Shut up.

Certainly nothing to be ashamed of, sir.

Whatever you're feeling is entirely normal.

I mean, taking a human life is very profound,

and I'm so sorry that my singular preoccupation

over my books created this chain reaction

that led to a man to lose his life.

And for this, I'm truly repentant.

But you were right, you know?

Circumstances as they presented themselves

required decisive action.

I mean, never in a million years would've I expected myself

to shoot at another human being.

I mean, and yet,

here we are.

I could've talked our way out of-

Impossible, no.

- I could- - You did the only thing

that could've been done to save our lives,

and you fought valiantly, sir.

You, you risked your life

and saved our very souls.

It don't feel nothin' like I thought it would,

killing a man.

Even though,

even though he lived the life of a villain,

and even though he definitely had it comin',

somehow being the one

who done did him in just,

it just feels wrong.

It's all right.

It's because you are a compassionate man, sir,

a man of introspection.

That's an admirable trait.

But please remember it was self-defense.

I mean, you said so. - I say a lot of things.

I guess you were right, teach.

Killin' is for cowards.

No, not at all, Mr. Dooley.

It was very brave what you did.

You saved us all.

And these voices

and these books will now be heard.

They'll be allowed to inspire new generations.

No telling the benefits

that this new land will get from that,

and that's because of you.

And I speak on behalf of everyone here,

Mr. Shakespeare, Mr. Keats,

Mr. Melville, the Brontes,

I speak for them all,

and I say a heartfelt

thank you.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He leadeth me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil

for thou art with me,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever, amen.

Amen.

Well, where do you think

you're going?

To Fortune.

Where the hell else?

In your condition?

No, no, no, no, that's impossible.

You must rest here.

I'll go and summon help from somewhere.

I promised I'd get you to Fortune in time

for tomorrow morning's bell,

and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

You don't think after all this

I'd let you off our agreement, do you?

No.

- Without my money. - Yes, of course.

Listen, if we're gonna make it there in time

without having a horse,

we're gonna have to walk all damn day

and straight through the night.

You think you can handle that, old man?

I believe I can.

Good.

Well, let's get one thing straight.

From here on out, there'll be no more talking.

- Oh. - Okay?

Understand?

Now that I killed one man,

makin' it two don't make no difference.

Understood.

But at least let me carry the books.

It'll slow us down.

But you're the one who's been shot in the leg!

Mr. Dooley.

Oh!

Mr. Dooley!

Right on time, Mr. Dooley.

You are indeed a man of your word.

I can't thank you enough.

And now, uh, about our business arrangement.

I'm certain that by this evening

all pertinent paperwork will be signed

and I'll be able to settle my debt with you.

I ain't staying around 'til this evening.

You didn't think I'd be hangin' around this sinkhole

any longer than I needed to, did you?

No, I suppose not.

No.

But the money, sir, surely, it won't be released until-

Ah, keep your damn money.

What?

Mr. Dooley, uh, well, that's, that's very generous of you,

but unthinkable.

No, a bargain is a bargain.

It's your money for your new job.

I'll be fine without it.

But what are you going to do now?

Don't matter.

Well, I'm sorry, but it matters to me.

Teach...

The quicker you just forget about me,

the better, all right?

I mean, ain't you figured it out yet?

I'm bad news.

Some folks is, is just, is just, just born this way.

Mr. Dooley, you have a heart of gold-

And don't start using-

- You are not bad news- - Them twisty words

to try and convince me that it ain't true.

I know what I am.

But don't worry about me.

I'll be fine.

I always am.

Well, at least take this

for your journey.

Please. - Teach.

I can't read.

I know that.

But this is for when you can.

Whoa!

Oh.

Wow.

Thanks.

Now, go teach them kids.

Give 'em a future and all that.

Thank you, Mr. Dooley.

So last week,

we covered the Louisiana Purchase,

which was when the Territory of Louisiana was purchased

by the United States from the French.

And that was when?

Anybody?

Anybody?

1803.

Okay.

But today, we're gonna talk about

when two very special gentlemen were hired

to explore that new territory.

Their names were Meriwether Lewis and William Clark,

and their mission was called

the Corps of Discovery Expedition.

Greetings, madam.

Out!

Go away!

There's no panhandling in here!

Quick, children, hide under your desks!

Oh, I beg your pardon, ma'am, but you see I'm-

A bum, and a drunk, and I will not have you corrupt

this sacred house of learning!

Ethan, please jump out that window

and run and fetch the sheriff.

Hurry. - Yes, ma'am.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that won't be necessary.

You see, madam, I'm the new schoolmaster.

Don't be ridiculous.

The new schoolmaster is Mr. Cecil-

Peachtree.

Cecil Peachtree, London, England,

at your service, madam.

Oh, yes, I know, I, I must look quite a fright,

but it's been the most exhausting

and unusual journey to get here

in time for this morning's bell.

But me and the other ladies

from the Cultural Community Center,

we were to pick up Mr. Peachtree on Friday,

and we waited for him on the train platform.

Yes, well, about that.

You see, um,

I unfortunately missed the last train,

and I ended up taking the, uh, more scenic route.

But listen, I did bring some of my wares with me.

Jeez, uh, well, they're a little singed around the edges.

Ah.

Oh, good.

But I think, yes, they're not too worse for wear.

It's you.

It's really you.

Mr. Peachtree, I am Miss Eloise Maybelle,

and on behalf of the Ladies School Committee,

I want to welcome you to the city of Fortune.

Children, children, let's give Mr. Peachtree a warm welcome.

Hello, Mr. Peachtree.

Oh, hello, everyone, good morning.

I can't tell you how happy I am

to have finally arrived in one piece.

Oh, you must be positively dog tired.

Shall we get you situated

and you can begin your lessons tomorrow?

Oh, heavens, no, no.

I, I can be situated anytime.

But with your permission, I, I think

I would just like to dive in.

Oh, yes.

Okay. - Thank you.

I, I'll just run over to, to Miss Annie's boarding house-

- All right. - And I'll get your room

freshened up and ready for when you're done for the day.

Splendid.

Thank you, Miss Maybelle.

Thank you, Mr. Peachtree.

Well, let's start again,

shall we?

Now, I'd like to start off

by telling you about my greatest passion.

It's reading.

You know, books,

books can take us anywhere,

on any adventure in any era,

be it the past, the present,

or far, far-

Jedidiah Dooley, here.

♪ Gotta go, gotta get there fast ♪

♪ Where the train runs outta track ♪

♪ So here I go, I ain't goin' back ♪

♪ I hear the train goin' down the line ♪

♪ Said it left at 12:05 ♪

♪ I'm told the right place at the wrong time ♪

♪ There's a shadow right behind me ♪

♪ And they said it's too bad that you missed ♪

♪ The last train to Fortune ♪

♪ Where the Wild West is our warden ♪

♪ I don't know when I'll be coming back again ♪

♪ But I know it won't be on the train ♪

♪ Left behind that life of crime ♪

♪ I couldn't take another dime ♪

♪ On the edge of constant sorrow ♪

♪ There's a shadow right behind me ♪

♪ Saying the writing's on the wall ♪

♪ The last train to Fortune ♪

♪ Where the Wild West is our warden ♪

♪ I don't know when I'll be coming back again ♪

♪ But I know it won't be on the train ♪

♪ Oh, the last train to Fortune ♪

♪ Where the Wild West is our warden ♪

♪ I don't know when I'll be coming back again ♪

♪ But I know it won't be on the train ♪

♪ And I know it won't be on the train ♪

♪ Over the hill ♪

♪ There's a place called Fortune ♪

♪ It's just like my life ♪

♪ A joke to most ♪

♪ I sit out here ♪

♪ Kept warm by the moonlight ♪

♪ Kept safe by an outlaw ♪

♪ And the grace of the heaven below ♪

♪ It's not for fortune ♪

♪ And it's not for fame ♪

♪ It's not for winning ♪

♪ Though it feels like a game ♪

♪ I've made a prison ♪

♪ Of my life ♪

♪ Oh, doing the right thing ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm so damn tired ♪

♪ Of living the hard life ♪

♪ I've been ridin' for miles ♪

♪ Chasin' a train ♪

♪ That's gonna take me home ♪

♪ It's not for fortune ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's not for fame ♪

♪ It's not for winning ♪

♪ Oh, but it feels like a game ♪

♪ I've made a prison ♪

♪ Of my life ♪

♪ Oh, doing the right thing ♪