Original subtitles

[static, white noise]

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

[waterfall gushing]

That one there is a birch tree.

And that one's a Scottish pine.

- Dan, I know all those trees.

I wrote the tree encyclopedia, remember?

- I know, I'm just trying to impress you, I guess.

God, I'm so stupid.

- Hey Dan, you impress me every day

with your big brain and your even bigger butt.

Why are you so nervous?

- I'm... [sighs]

Lisa Sampson.

[mellow music]

You've made me the happiest man alive

for the past seven years.

And now that I've finally become the CEO of Cereal,

I can afford to buy you the ring that you deserve.

- Dan!

- So what do you say, Lis?

Will you make me your lawfully wedded husband?

- Oh Dan, of course I will!

[giggles]

- I don't know how this day could get any better.

- [screaming] Dan, behind you!

- Ahh!

[dark, ominous music]

[gushing, sloshing]

[thuds]

[dark, thrilling music]

[cackling]

- No, please, please!

Don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me.

Please, please, please, please, please!

- Hey, ugly!

- Huh?

[super cool badass music]

- Let's dance.

Hi-ya!

[sword swishing]

Looks like you got a little paper cut.

[gun shots]

[rock music continues]

[skull shatters]

That one was a no-brainer.

You okay, ma'am?

- I am now.

Thank you so much.

- Oh, no need to thank me.

Just another day at the office.

Sorry about your fiancé.

He seemed like a very handsome man.

- I don't even care about him anymore.

That was so unbelievably heroic and badass.

What's your name?

- My name is Jack Hammer.

And I'm a monster killer.

[badass electronic music]

[music ends]

[door closes]

[razz]

[object thuds]

[relief sigh]

- You have one new message.

- Uh, hey Jack, it's me Donovan.

Yeah, I just got some pixies in my yard.

I was wondering if you could help me out with that.

Call me back.

- Donovan, you lazy son of a bitch.

- You have one new message.

- Hi, Jack. It's your mother calling.

Just wanted to remind you about my birthday barbecue

happening on Saturday.

Let me know if you can make it.

- Ah, totally forgot.

Damn it.

- You have one new message.

- Hello, Jack.

You don't know me, but we're going to meet very soon.

And when we do,

your eyes are going to burst out of your skull.

Your skin is going to melt and your flesh will freeze.

I will make sure that your death is nice and slow...

before I eat you for dinner.

[ominous music]

See you soon.

[cackles]

- Damn.

One of my old flames strikes again.

[chuckles]

[mellow, somber music]

I'm really missing you right now, Daddy.

I can't believe it's been 25 years

since you were eaten by that giant spider,

that spoke perfect English.

I really wish I could have met you.

This one is for you, Daddy.

[knocking on the door]

Duty calls.

I'm coming.

[knocking on the door]

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.

- God damn it, Hammer.

Just when I think my day isn't bad enough,

I get a report that there's a dead goblin in the woods!

You mind explaining that?

- Lieutenant Willoughby, listen.

- No, no, no, no, no. You listen to me, Hammer.

I've told you once, I've told you a trillion times,

you leave monster killing to the police department.

- Well, maybe the police should actually do something

to prevent goblins from ripping out

innocent people's intestines in the woods.

I'm just doing what you guys can't.

- God damn it, Hammer!

I'm sick and tired of sticking my ass out,

having it chewed on for you,

sticking my neck out for you.

It's about time that someone chews on your ass for a change.

- You're not chewing my ass out right now?

Fuck you, Willoughby.

- You better listen to me if you want to fuck me, Hammer.

If you want to kill monsters so bad,

why don't you just join the force?

[laughing]

Ha!

And join the rest of you pigs in the mud?

Thanks but no thanks.

I work alone.

- God damn it, Hammer!

Listen, I don't want to do this.

But I'm under direct orders.

You kill one more monster and you're under arrest.

- I'd like to see you try.

Oh! [grunts]

Caught me off guard, I see.

- Don't you mock me, Hammer.

I've bent over more men than you can count.

One more monster that we don't kill,

and it's your ass behind bars!

- You guys better do your jobs then.

[inspectively sniffs]

- Is that whiskey on your breath?

- No.

- God damn it, Hammer.

If your father were here right now,

he'd be ashamed of you.

- Hey!

You leave Daddy out of this.

- Your father was a law-abiding citizen, Hammer,

and a damn good one, too.

Never got so much as a parking ticket.

And then there's you.

Out there running a muck around town.

You don't fix yourself, Hammer,

then you're never gonna go anywhere in life.

- Thanks for the pep talk, Willoughby.

Now get the fuuuuck out of my office.

- Remember, dead monster, under arrest!

I'll see you at your mom's barbecue.

[door slams]

- You little punk.

Don't know what he is talking about.

[dark, ominous music]

[thunder rumbling]

[howling]

- Mm.

Three cockroaches.

[humming]

And six human tongues.

[humming]

And a pinch of cumin.

Oh, it's divine.

Oh, Deceivia.

What utter abomination will you unleash on the world next?

Maybe a giant troll?

Ugh! No, that's too easy!

Oh, I have so many options, I can't choose.

[Mauricio murmuring]

Oh, Mauricio, what shall I do?

Mommy's running out of options.

It seems no matter what I do,

Jack Hammer always gets in the way.

[Mauricio murmuring]

Giant lizard?

Be original, Mauricio.

If I want to stop Jack Hammer, I need to knock his socks off.

I didn't leave him that voicemail for nothing.

I need something that will bring him to me.

[Mauricio murmuring]

- [Gasps] Now you're talking Mauricio, good boy.

If I want to defeat Jack Hammer,

I need to learn more about him.

[sighs]

[soup burbling]

[liquid trickles]

[swooshes]

Hello, my sweets.

- Hello, our beautiful and evil highness, Deceivia.

- Oh, stop, you're too kind.

- Okay.

- I need you to mug jack Hammer

when he's coming out of his office.

And you, Mauricio,

you need to attach yourself to him, bite him,

and bring the blood sample back to me.

Does everyone understand?

- [in unison] Yes, Your Highness.

[ominous music]

Now get out of here.

[swooshes]

Soon, no one will come between me and my monsters.

[evil cackling]

- Yep, I do fairies.

Yeah, I do fairies. That's fine.

Yeah, no problem.

Yeah, I get that question all the time.

Hold on a second.

[murmurs over the phone]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Werewolves?

Oh yeah, there's been more in this area lately, but I'm on it.

Alright.

Yeah, I will...

I'll get...

I'll get more...

I'll get one phone.

Yes, I'll get more phone.

Alright, bye, Mama.

I love you. Goodbye.

[razz]

Time for seventh inning piss.

[burps] Oh, yeah.

Jack Hammered. Woo!

Doing business. Woo!

Oh.

Oh!

Jesus Christ.

What are you trying to do?

Kill me?

- [in unison] Something like that.

[chuckles]

- What are you... Do you all three talk at the same time?

- Yes.

- That must get confusing, right?

I mean, like, what if you get like a phone call,

do you all three pick up? Like...

Or when you go, talk in church,

do you all three go up there at the same time,

or however the spirit moves you or...

Oh okay, cat got your tongues now?

Well, how about the three of you get out of my way

before any trouble starts, okay?

[ominous music]

Okay, funny guys.

Wow, wow, great.

Look, three of you need to get out

before I get really angry, all right?

Look, the three of you better get the fuck out of my way

before I get more pissed in a port-a-potty.

Alright, get ready for a-[munch sound]

What the fuck?

Why didn't any of you warn me there was a spider

crawling up my chiseled bod?

[punch]

[grunts]

Stop it!

No! No!

Hey! Quit!

Okay, alright. Stop, stop!

Stop it!

The serpentine thing with the punching and the fists, okay?

Aw! What, do you want a quote?

[whacks]

Ow!

[dark, ominous music]

[grunts]

[swishes]

[grunts]

Green blood.

You're all monsters?

[music builds]

[growls]

[whams]

[thuds]

[swishes]

[grunts in pain]

- Pressure!

[psychotically licks blood]

Who sent you?

- You will meet her soon enough.

- Who?!

- Our Highness Deceivia. [growls]

- Deceivia?

Why does that name feel so familiar?

[retches, vomits]

[thunder rumbling]

[howling]

- So gorgeous.

How can someone so evil look so stunning?

[Mauricio murmurs]

Mauricio! You're back!

Did everything go according to plan?

[Mauricio murmurs]

Fantastic.

Okay, hold on.

[Mauricio vomiting]

You've done a great job, Mauricio.

You can rest now.

With this blood, I'll be able to track Jack's every move.

[evil cackles]

[evil cackles]

[evil cackling continues]

[bird chirping]

[screen door squeaks open]

[knocks]

- Mom, it's me, Jack, can you open up?

- You're not Mama.

- No, I'm Mary, your mom's nurse.

You must be Jack.

- That's right.

And who the hell are you?

- I just told you.

- Is Mama home?

[smacks]

- [cackles]

I'm so good at puzzles.

- Yeah, she is but she's about to go to bed.

- Oh, that's alright.

She'll be happy to see me.

Mama?

[banging]

Mama?

How are ya?

- Oh, Jackie! Is that you?

- In the flesh.

- Oh, [laughs].

That is a big sword.

I hope you're not overcompensating.

- No, no, no.

- Is it Saturday already?

- Oh no, it ain't Saturday yet,

but I'm going to be at your birthday barbecue.

Don't you worry about that.

- That's great, sweetie.

You think you can help me put together this puzzle?

- Oh, well, actually, Mama,

I need to talk to you about something important.

- Okay, we need to get her to bed soon,

so you can just come back tomorrow.

- Oh, Mary, just a few minutes.

I haven't seen my son in a long time.

- Please.

[giggles]

- Okay, but you have 10 minutes.

- Thank you, Mary.

Oh, could you make us tequila sunrises...

- No, no, no.

- ...and hot dogs?

- You don't have to do all that, Mary.

I hate tequila.

I will take a Moscow Mule though.

- Oh-ho-ho. A two-a-mules.

- Oh-ho. [laughter]

- That's what we like to hear.

- Yeah.

- We got our horses here. Yeah.

Oh!

That's good stuff.

[delicious hot dogs set on table]

Now what did you want to talk to me about?

- Well, Mama.

I killed some monsters a little bit ago.

- Oh, Jack.

Are you still doing that?

Why are you bothering with this vigilante business?

- Because monsters are running amok, Mama.

Somebody's gotta stop them.

- Then do it with the police.

Lieutenant Willoughby is up my ass every week on the phone

complaining because people are up his ass

because you're killing monsters.

- Well, Lieutenant Willoughby

can mind his own fucking beeswax.

- Jack, language.

- After what happened to Daddy,

how can you not understand?

Hmm?

- Oh honey, I do understand.

And if I had it in me,

I would be out there with you.

But I am almost 105.

And your father would not want you

spending your life looking for revenge.

- I am so close to finding

that giant English-speaking spider that ate Daddy.

Does the name Deceivia mean anything to you?

- [Mom gags] - Oh my god!

- What did you say?

- You recognize that name, don't you?

[coughing]

Decei-Deceivia.

- I know.

My, um, my hearing aide.

They came out.

Both of them.

And I lost my dog in my mouth and...

[growling]

What did you say?

- Deceivia.

[coughing]

Deceivia, you deaf old bat.

- Okay, let's get you to bed.

- I'm not done talking to Mama.

- Yes, you are. Now get out.

- Thank you for coming, Jackie.

I'll see you Saturday.

- Yeah, see you on Saturday.

You know how to help her up?

- Yeah, I do.

- She’s gonna fall.

It's a matter of time.

Come on, Daddy.

You've got to know something.

Give me a sign.

That's funny.

I've never noticed that abnormally large box before.

[thuds]

Hi-ya!

[somber music]

What is this?

Some kind of magical tome?

Some kind of mystical Bible?

What is this thing?

Some kind of journal that my daddy wrote about magic?

What could this be?

Some kind of guide to the powers I could harness?

Some kind of tool used to defeat evil?

Maybe I should take it with me.

Could be useful.

[music builds]

[suspenseful, dark music]

[music fades]

Looks like this Jack O'Lantern

is rollin' solo.

- Hey!

- Well, well, well, if it isn't the party pooper.

- Are you a fucking idiot?

- Excuse me?

- You come into your mom's house speaking the name of Deceivia,

and you don't expect consequences?

- You know about Deceivia?

- Obviously I do, but I'm not dumb enough

to be shouting her name from rooftops.

- Well, is there somewhere you can tell me more about her

that isn't the rooftops?

- Well, now I'm gonna have to. - Great.

- But we're gonna have to go somewhere else.

Somewhere private.

- How do I know I can trust you?

- It is literally my job to keep your mother alive.

- That could be a front for some kind of evil ulterior motive.

- Are you always this stupid?

- Yep.

- Look.

Deceivia killed my mom...

and I think she killed your dad too.

- Holy shit-whizz, that's huge.

- Did you drive here?

- Oh, no way. I'm still fucking hammered drunk.

- All right.

- You get it? Hammered.

- Let's go, then.

[dark, badass techno music]

[car engine roaring]

- Okay, Mary.

What's the deal with Deceivia?

What's her deal?

Where's she from?

Why is she so... evil?

- I only ever saw her one time...

and it was the day she took my mother away from me.

It was 10 years ago.

[dark, unsettling music building]

[wailing]

[thuds, grunts]

- Give it up you old bitch!

- I'm old? You're 10,000!

- Fuck you! - Fuck you!

[shrieks]

[shouts]

- Mary, what are you doing out of bed?

- Mom?

Who-

Who is that?

- A wicked old witch named Deceivia.

She wanted to kidnap you

because you're technically part monster.

- What?

- Yeah, and she kidnapped me years ago

and used my blood to make half human, half monsters,

and now she's trying to train you how to be

the heir to the monster throne.

[panting]

- Mom, why are you telling me this now?

- Well, I can't wait for your 18th birthday anymore now, can I?

Look, I need you to be really brave right now.

I need you to run out of the house and hit this button.

- What's it gonna do?

[loud thud]

[dark, somber music]

- God damn, Mary, why didn't you say anything?

- Because she knows that you're worthless filth

and she'd rather take my place on the monster throne.

- Get out of the house, Mary.

Push...

Push the button.

Push the button.

- Come with me, Mary.

Come and meet your future king,

and all of our all the monsters in the world.

What do you say?

- Fuck you!

- Ow!

What the fuck, motherfucker?

[dark, tense music]

[clicks] [whirring]

[blasts]

[debris clashing, glass breaking]

No!

What did I do? [sobbing]

What did I do?

[continues to sob]

No!

I thought she was up in flames after that night.

Blown up into smithereens,

and I'd never have to worry about her again.

But if you're looking for her then that must mean

she's still alive somewhere.

I was always worried this would happen.

- I wonder why she took your mama and my daddy.

I mean, maybe there's others out there she's terrorizing too.

- I spent the last 10 years

finding out everything I could about her.

I read every book on witchcraft.

I spoke with dozens of people connected to dark magic,

and I made my mind and body

the deadliest weapon in the world,

in case that magic shit witch even comes close to me.

- Damn, looks like I got some catching up to do.

Listen Mary, I'm sorry about your mama.

I can't imagine how difficult it must have been

to blow her up like that.

- It would have been worth it if Deceivia would have died.

I turned my mom into a Kentucky fried parent for nothing!

- I wonder why she sent those goons after me then.

I mean maybe she...

She knows you're helping mama out,

and she's using me to get to you?

- She must be keeping tabs on us.

But how?

- Mary!

[tire screeching]

- Fuck!

- Is that her?

- Yeah, it is.

- You want to double team her?

- Shh.

- That did not come out right. I am sorry.

[ominous music]

[gun shot]

- Goddamnit Mary, give a guy a warning!

- Why else would I have a gun?

[gun shots continues]

- That was, uh...

...almost too easy.

- Yeah, almost like she wants us to get closer to her

or something.

- That'd be stupid.

Should probably get back to the car.

Yeah? - Probably...

should.

- You wanna get some beers to celebrate?

I'm buying.

- Hell fucking yeah, I do.

I spent college out drinking all the frats on campus.

- Me too.

- Yeah? - That's right.

- That's right? - Yeah.

- Oh, stop! Oh, stop!

- Yeah! - Alright! [laughing]

Oh, god damn it.

- Oh, fuck.

[grunts, groans]

- Hello, Mary.

So nice to see you again after all these years.

[thuds, grunts]

Please, Mary.

I don't want to kill you.

You and Jack are the only ones who can take my place.

- What does Jack have to do with this?

- Yeah, what the fuck do I have to do this,

you evil witch?

- Please, that gun is nothing to me.

- Alright.

How about these guns?

[suspenseful music]

Come on.

[giggles]

Ah! Ugh.

[sighs]

[running footsteps]

[whacks, thuds]

[giggling] I haven't moved like this in years.

Unsportsman-like conduct.

Ah!

[whack] [groans]

- You fight like a little pussy, just like your daddy.

- What the fuck did you just say to me?

- Oh, are you having hearing problems like your mommy?

Along with your daddy's pussiness?

- Fuck you, lady!

[hissing]

[swooshes]

- What the fuckie was that?

- More like what the fuckie is in this notebook?

What the shit?

Is this some kind of fucking magic journal?

Some fucking guide to harnessing spells?

A fucking researched book of monster shit?

Something in this could help us defeat Deceivia perhaps?

- Those were my thoughts exactly

when I found it in my daddy's office.

- But what language is this, Greek?

- Might as well be, that's all it is to me.

Hey, let's take it back to my office,

see if my supercomputer can decipher it.

- Wait, Jack!

- Yo.

Before we do anything, I just have to say...

we're both connected to Deceivia in some way.

Who knows how or why,

but we were both meant to meet and kill her together.

So, uh, [chuckle]

unless one of us is meant to die a horrible death,

I'd say we're partners for life.

- Partners for life.

Wanna get some beers for the work we got ahead of us?

- Fuck yeah, I do.

- Yeah, fuck yeah?

- Hell, like fucking, yeah.

- Road? - Beers!

- Road beers! - Road beers!

- Alright, road beers are legal

because it's too much fun to be illegal.

- Too much fun in this party, bus!

Hell fucking yeah!

- Woo!

- Woo! - Drinkin’ and driving!

[thunder rumbling]

[frustrated grunt]

Where the fuck did he get that journal?

His father couldn't have been so smart.

I made sure to destroy everything he wrote down.

Oh, that stupid man slut must have kept a copy.

[Mauricio murmurs]

- Shut the fuck up, Mauricio.

I'm going to slide you down my throat so fast

and make you burn in my stomach acid so slowly.

[gibberish]

That's why I thought you twat!

[sigh]

Now think, think, Deceivia.

If they get their hands on this journal,

then everything is ruined,

and you can never reach your final form.

[shouts] Mauricio!!

Keep things in order here.

I'm going to make sure our plan goes uninterrupted.

[swooshes]

[swooshes]

- What the absolute fuck?

- Are you Lieutenant Willoughby?

- Yes?

- I'm here to file a complaint.

- Well, you'll need to go grab a form and I'm...

- It's about Jack Hammer. - Tell me everything.

- Well, you see, he killed three of my monsters last night

and I love them so much, I'm just heartbroken.

- That son of a shit!

I told him if he killed one more monster,

I'd have his juicy ass in my hands.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Did you say they were your monsters?

- That's right.

I am Deceivia, the queen of the monster realm.

- Are you a criminal?

- Lieutenant, I am beyond a criminal.

I am the ruler of all things evil and disgusting.

I have taken off heads of innocent men and women for fun.

I have turned babies inside out

and roasted them over an open fire.

I've created so many monsters, I lost count.

I am capable of things you couldn't imagine

in your worst nightmares.

[dark, ominous music, abruptly stops]

[distant phone ringing]

[stammers]

- Well, did you do any of that stuff in my jurisdiction?

- Nope. - Okay, well then it's not my problem.

Now tell me where Jack Hammer is,

and I'll have his cock on a platter in no time.

- Don't you think we should work together on this?

- No can do, ma'am. I work alone.

Along with the rest of the police force.

- I really think you should reconsider.

[whirring]

- Woo! - Oh yeah!

[electronic, badass music]

[whirring]

- Holy shit!

Deceivia is the queen of the monster realm,

and this is a journal full of her weaknesses.

- Fucking fuck! Oh my god!

So we can actually kill this bitch?

- Looks like it.

- Do you know what this means?

- Yeah.

We need more fucking beer.

[electronic, badass music continues]

- So what else does it say?

- It says that once every 25 years

during a new full blue bloods moon,

she garners enough power to transform into a...

- Into what?

- A giant English-speaking spider.

Same one that ate my daddy.

- How much time do we have until the next moon?

- Uh...

It says we have... 24 hours.

Fuck!

- We're going to need a lot more beers to finish this one.

[electronic, badass music]

Wooh!

- Already empty.

Why do we even have that?

Okay.

It says that she needs the blood of her descendants

to complete the ritual.

- If she took my mom's blood years ago,

that must mean that I'm one of her descendants.

- And she took my father's.

That must mean...

- [in unison] More beer!

[tin can popping] [music continues]

Wooh! - Yeah!

- Yeah!

So how do we stop her though?

- We got two more beers to drink, we got a two drink rule

before we check the book again.

The page is gonna load soon

and then we'll fucking know how to take this bitch down.

[laughter]

[music swells and abruptly stops]

[knocking on the door]

- Who the hell is that?

- Can't be my beer man.

Clearly we have plenty here.

- Open up, Hammer!

I know your monster killing ass is in there!

- Oh, it's Lieutenant Willoughby.

Oh God.

- What does he want?

- He probably found those monsters I killed earlier

and he's here to arrest me.

- Why would he want to arrest you for killing monsters?

Shouldn't they be keeping up with that?

- [scoffs]

- [scoffs]

- Thank you.

- I'm gonna use the ram, Hammer!

- I'm gonna handle this fuck face.

- I'm coming. - I'm gonna get two more beers.

- Don't ram me.

- I'll just be over here.

- Alright, Bitchoughby, what do you want?

- Shut the fuck up, Hammer!

I've warned you time and time again

to leave the monsters to me!

But did you listen? No!

- Fuck you!

- Fuck you, Hammer!

I ought to blow your goddamn ass brains out right now!

And I had to call in backup.

- Huh?

- Oh, what?

Weren't expecting you know, were you?

Looks like I got you right where I want you.

- Yeah, with your ass on a fucking silver platter all for me.

- Lieutenant?

Your job here is done.

[thwack]

- Oh, shit.

- Well, I'd be careful if I were you.

The last thing you want to do is make me angry.

- Fuck you, Deceivia.

I translated my daddy's journal

and now I know all your dirty little secrets.

- Oh, bravo, Jack.

Bravo. - Yeah, you better clap.

I know you only have 24 hours

to turn into a giant English-speaking spider

and I can hold you off till then.

- Jack, you remind me so much of your father.

Cute, confident, and fucking dumb as shit.

- Don't talk about Daddy like that.

He was a great man.

- Aw, he was a great meal too.

I ate his head first.

And then I sucked his insides out from his neck hole

like a little baby crawfish. [slurping sound]

Shut up!

Then I ripped his skin off and used it as a napkin.

And I used all of my spider legs

to turn his skeleton into a xylophone.

- You bitch!

The xylophone is the most obnoxious of the percussion family!

[swooshes]

- And now it's time for you to meet your father's fate.

[gunshots]

Did you dipshits learn that bullets don't do anything to me?

- No!

- Fuck! Fuck! [sobs]

What the fuck?

Ow! Ow!

My fucking hand!

- Ow!

- Oh my God!

Let go of me, you wicked bitch!

- Yeah!

I second that!

- No, no, that's not the way to speak to your mother.

- What the fuck did you say to me?

- You killed my mom!

- Yeah! My mom's going deaf!

- Oh, you two still not understand. That's a shame.

Jack, if you want to see your sister alive again,

you'll find me tomorrow.

- No! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Take me instead.

- No need. You'll see me soon enough.

Let's go, Mary.

- No! - No, no, no, no!

No!

No, no, no, no, no!

No! No!

No!

No!

[thuds]

God damn it.

Computer!

[eerie music]

It's so simple.

Deceivia's weakness.

I gotta go back to Mama and Daddy's house.

But first, a beer.

Okay. Let's go.

[music swells]

[Jack calling mama rapidly multiple times]

[continues to Mama rapidly]

- Jack, is that you?

Is it Saturday already?

- God damn it, mama, it's not Saturday yet.

I need to talk to you.

- Jack, it's so late and I gotta get my marinade ready.

- Mom, I know the truth.

I know you're not really my mama.

- Fuck.

Get inside.

Oh, shit.

[door slams shut]

[delicious burgers set down on table]

- I'd been dreading the day

when I'd have to tell you about all of this.

- Why was Daddy involved with Deceivia?

- It's a lot more complicated than that, Jack.

You see, the Hammer bloodline has always been half-monster.

- What?

How?

- Yeah.

Deceivia is thousands of years old.

And she's always needed the blood of her descendants

to stay alive.

- And Daddy knew all about this?

- Your father has known since he was born.

You were the first Hammer that I didn't want to know.

- Why, Mama?

- Because that wicked witch from hell

would said that she would stop.

She said that your father

would be the last one that she did this to.

- You two look amazing tonight.

Did I say delectable?

- Just get it over with, Deceivia.

I'd rather rip my fingernails off than be here another minute.

- Can't the 10,000 year old gal just have some fun?

- As long as you keep your promise,

and this is the last ceremony until the end of time.

- Yeah, of course it is.

[swish] [grunts]

- Mm, type O negative.

You ready?

[evil cackles]

Yes.

[soup burbling]

[evil cackling]

[baby crying]

Ah, she's gorgeous.

- Give her to me, give me my daughter!

- Stop fretting. Here.

[baby crying]

- Oh my god.

Oh my god.

My beta.

[swoosh]

Are you ready to meet your son?

- I am ready to never see your stupid fucking face ever again

and the Hammer family will not deal with you anymore!

[baby crying]

My son.

My beautiful baby boy.

Bring him to me!

[swoosh]

No! What are you doing?

You bitch!

You promised!

- And you trusted me?

You're even dumber than I thought.

[crackling noises]

- Oh! Dear fucking God!

The legends are true!

No!

[malevolent laughter]

[ketchup squirting directly in mouth]

- I can't believe it.

Daddy and you knew about all this?

- Sure I did.

- Why would you marry Daddy if you knew he was half-monster?

- Oh, [chuckle].

Your father was so kind, Jack.

There was nothing that could take me away from him.

And when we took those vows at the altar,

we took them seriously.

Plus, [chuckle]

I didn't want to deal with childbirth.

- Mama...

- Oh, hush.

You'll always be my little boy.

Even though you didn't live in my womb

and escape through my vaginal canal.

I've never thought of you as anything other than my son.

[emotional chewing]

Jack, you gotta end this.

Once and for all.

- I will.

I just need a few things from Daddy's office first.

[electronic, dark music]

Cannot believe I didn't look through at this thing more.

How will I know where to find Deceivia though?

Oh.

Perfect.

Now I just need her weakness.

It's beautiful.

Okay.

Oh!

Daddy have the same gun I had.

What?

And the same sword too.

It's fantastic.

Now I just needed a lunch for the journey.

Thanks, mama.

- You're gonna need a lot of nutrition.

So I packed you a pulled pork sandwich,

a turkey club, beef jerky, a head of lettuce,

and a six pack.

- You are the best mom a grown man could ask for, Mama.

- You better make it to the barbecue.

I swear to God, you better.

- I will.

And I'll bring the coleslaw.

[badass rock music]

[badass rock music fades]

[burbling]

- Oh, joy!

Your brother is on his way.

Gosh, you look just like your mother.

And your grandma, and your great-grandma,

and your great-great-grandma.

Sorry, I'm just feeling nostalgic for the good old days.

I remember the night you were born.

Oh, God.

The moon was gorgeous that night.

I still don't understand what effect it has on these rituals,

but it makes them more special, I guess.

You know you're not being a very good hostage right now.

I mean the fighting was a little annoying

but at least it was fun.

Just fucking say something?

- Why? What's the point of this bullshit?

Why make Jack and I heirs to the monster throne.

[cackles]

Honey, you're not.

That's just a lie I told you guys to show up.

Though I guess it was kind of pointless

since I have magic powers.

- So what, you're just gonna keep making half-monster babies

every 25 years?

Why?

- Because these are the monster queen rules, Mary.

I didn't make them. I just followed them.

And now if you would stop being such a difficult little bitch

like your mother,

you could actually come out of this alive.

- Fuck you!

- You absolute cunt!

[splooshing]

Almost there.

- [shrieking]

- Oh, shut up, it doesn't hurt that bad.

Mm.

Oh my god, kidneys are so much better raw than cooked.

Oh quiet!

If Jack gets here early then you'll come out of this alive.

Speaking of, let's make things a little bit difficult

for my son out there.

- Alright, Jackie, you only got seven hours

to save Mary and kill Deceivia.

According to this map, I should nearly be there.

- [screaming] Jack!

- The fuck was that?

- [distant screaming] Jack!

- Mary!

- You have to help me, Jack!

- Mary, where are you?

- I'm over here! [echoing]

- Mary, where are you?

- I'm right here. [echoing]

- Mary, I'm coming!

I'm coming, where are you?

Mary!

Oh, thank God, you're safe!

Oh, I'm so glad you're okay!

- Thank you for finding me. - Thank God!

Oh.

- Jack, why are you looking at me like that?

- Mary, are you okay?

- I don't feel good.

- Just don't move anymore.

What do you need? - I really don't feel good right now.

- Just don't move. What do you need?

Mary. Mary.

What do you need?

- I need your blood. - What?

[sword swishes]

Deceivia!

It's gonna take a lot more than this to trick me!

- Say no more.

[swoosh]

[dark, ominous music]

[goblin cackling]

[crackling] [grunting]

- Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's go.

[music intensifies]

[gun shots]

[munch]

[gunshots]

[rumbling, whirring]

Okay, Jack.

This is it.

You walk through this portal,

it's go time.

[breathes]

[swooshing]

[silence]

[somber music plays]

Has this always been my destiny?

Has any other Hammer tried to defeat Deceivia and failed?

What if I fail?

What if Deceivia creates my child and kills me?

I can't let that happen.

I won't let that happen.

[swooshing]

[silence]

[pops]

Holy shit where the fuck am I?

[thunder rumbling]

Oh my god, Mary!

What did she do to you?

- Jack, she ripped out my kidney and ate it.

- That freak.

Did she at least cook it?

- Jack, behind you.

- Huh?

- So nice of you to finally show up.

- Shut up, Deceivia.

I am not gonna waste any more time listening to your speeches.

I have come here to put an end to your madness!

Ow! Fuck!

- You came around in time for the birthing ceremony.

- No, no, no. There were still seven hours left

when I jumped through the portal.

- Time moves different in the portal, Jack.

Besides, the new blue blood's moon is coming out any second.

And I already have Mary's blood.

- You better drop that blood, bitch.

[gun shot]

- [giggles]

- You dumbass.

- God damn it, I'm too impulsive.

- Thank you, Jack.

I didn't even have to get you into the chair.

- Mary, I'm so sorry.

[babies giggling]

We have two beautiful baby boys.

[evil cackles]

[baby cooing]

- I don't think so.

- Oh, no. What are you doing?

- Something my daddy should have done a long time ago.

[gunshots]

[baby killing blasts]

That's what I call a baby boomer.

- You fucking idiot.

Do you know what you've done?

- Yeah, the right thing.

Now it's time to deal with you.

Your weakness.

- No, it can't be.

- That's right.

Holy water blessed by John the Baptist himself.

- No, anything but that.

- Hi-ya!

[shrieking]

- I'm dying!

I'm dying!

I'm dying!

I'm dying!

- Hell yeah.

Don't worry, Mary.

There's got to be some kind of healing potion I can make.

Come on, Jack, you half monster,

think of something.

A little bit of that.

Oh!

Sure that'll work.

Okay. All right, hold on.

Here! [splash]

- Holy fuck, that worked.

- Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.

[both laughing]

Oh.

Sorry I killed your son earlier, back there.

- It's okay, I never wanted to be a mom anyway.

[laughs]

- I was never too crazy about fatherhood either,

because, mine died.

- So, um, why did you come after me

if you had just done nothing,

she wouldn't have been able to complete the ritual.

- Because you are my sister.

And it would be fucked up to leave you.

- Oh god, that's right.

We're half siblings.

- Yeah, that's crazy.

- Man, I always wanted a brother.

- I always wanted a sister.

Stay out of my room.

Just kidding.

- So how are we gonna get out of here?

- Oh, I don't know.

I just came in through like a worly doo portal.

[eerie music]

- And where is the portal?

- I don't know.

It disappeared when I came through.

- So we're just stuck here?

- [deep voice] Not quite.

[evil cackling]

- What the fuck?

I thought that holy water killed you.

- That used to be my weakness.

And now it just puts me down for a little nap

while Mauricio wakes me up.

- God damn it, I'm tired of this shit!

- Don't worry, I'll put you to sleep soon.

- Now you all face my wrath!

[continues gunshots]

- I-I-I don't know what to do. We are fucked.

- No, we're not.

We're in her domain.

If you made a potion that gave me my kidney back,

we can make one that'll kill her.

- Okay. You're right.

Can you distract her?

[grunts]

- Give me your sword.

[suspenseful music]

- Be gentle.

- I can't promise that.

- Okay, spider bitch!

Come and get me!

[squeals and shrieks]

- I found these potions, I'm gonna try something.

One of these has to do something.

This one.

This one...

This one. This one. This one.

This one. This one.

This one. This one.

I will take all of them. God!

- Jack, hurry!

Hi-ya!

- Yeah. Yeah, I am on it.

Don't you worry, I'm on it.

Oh, I'm cooking now.

Oh, yeah.

More.

Yes.

More, it's doing something, Mary.

Hold on.

[grunting]

Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, I'm cooking now.

Oh, yeah. This is something.

This means something.

This means something.

Here we go, yeah.

This is good stuff.

This is like jazz, Mary.

It's like jazz!

Here we go.

Yeah, throw the other red ones now.

The red ones means stop, stop Deceivia.

Because it’s red.

Alright.

Okay.

Alright. Where are you?

I'm gonna take this over to ya.

Where'd you go?

Mary? Mary?

Oh shit.

- [grunting]

- Mary, keep fighting!

[cackle]

- Looks like I have my appetizer!

[evil cackle]

- Jack, hurry!

[evil cackle continues]

- Hey, Deceivia!

Taste this!

- Oh, no, oh no. I'm dying!

I'm actually dying!

[wailing]

- Took you long enough.

- Hey, for a second potion, that ain't half bad.

I mean, she is dead after all.

- Okay, I'll give you that.

So what did you put in there?

- Just a bunch of colorful water.

- Oh, sick.

- Yeah, it's crazy that it worked.

[whirring, rumbling]

- Oh shit, is that the portal?

- Hey, that is the portal.

You want to get out of here?

- Yeah I do. - Alright.

- Alright.

[swooshing]

[somber music]

- Wow.

I can't believe me and Mary actually defeated Deceivia.

And that we're half siblings.

I certainly didn't expect any of this

to happen to me this week.

- Never in a million years did I think I was a half-monster.

Or had a long lost brother.

Honestly, a pretty uneventful last few days.

[swooshing]

[pop]

Holy fuck, that was weird.

- Yeah, I know, you just appear like, poof.

- Ah, Jack and Mary, you made it!

- Oh my god, is it Saturday already?

- It is, and my famous brisket is almost ready.

- Oh great. - Negronis anyone?

- Thank you.

Mama, we did it.

We killed Deceivia.

- It was so cool, Mrs. Hammer.

Jack made a potion, gave me a kidney,

and then killed Deceivia in like six seconds.

- Oh, touchdown, Jackie!

[laughter]

Sounds like you two worked up an appetite.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Jack, did you bring the coleslaw?

- Oh my god, I forgot.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me, just...

Oh, I did bring it.

- My boy!

- I don't remember buying that though.

You might want to check the expiration on it.

- [laughing]

Let me put it on the table.

- Alright.

I love ya. - Mwah!

- Love ya!

He's great. - Incredible.

- I love ya.

- Wanna be her.

- I know, it's great.

I am her.

So that was pretty crazy.

- Yeah, we killed an evil monster witch,

nearly died, and now we're about to eat brisket.

- You were great in there.

You ever thought about going into the monster killing business?

- What?

No.

No way, not me.

I'm a life helper, not a life killer.

- Oh come on, you were born to do this.

Deceivia can't be the only threat out there.

It's like you said, partners for life.

- Well, I will admit it was a rush to do all that fighting.

- And you get to do that kind of shit all the time.

Plus, dental.

What do you say?

Let's do it.

- Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

- [giggles] Hell yeah.

Oh, I never asked.

What's your last name?

- Oh, it's Magdalene.

- Not anymore.

Now, it's Jack and Mary Hammer.

Brother and sister...

monster killers...

incorporated...

limited liability corporation...

- We'll-we'll work on the name... - With the...

- Yeah, we'll work on the name.

- What's going on over there?

[suspenseful music]

[whoosh]

[grunts]

[chaotic ambient]

[swoosh]

[chaotic ambient]

[blood and guts splattering]

It's like we're jumping into action sooner than expected.

[upbeat badass music building]

- I'm ready when you are.

- Hell yeah.

[badass music swells]

[END]