Original subtitles

Previously on "Boston legal"...

Denny, somehow I've grown rather fond of Shirley. Well, you can't have her.

A man doesn't eat where his friend...

Schmidts? Exactly.

The fact is, many h.M.O.S.

Are outsourcing major surgery.

When a person is told she needs heart surgery

she does not expect to be shipped to India to have it.

Judge marcia hooper was found murdered last night.

We were having an affair. What's going on?

The police just arrested Scott little. Maybe I should do it.

[Dr. Simon] You mean kill judge hooper? He's talking to a therapist.

You gave the tape to the police the afternoon of her death.

Well, I gave it to her husband. What?

♪♪♪

[Reporters all talking at once]No, no, no, no, we're not gonna be making any statements.

It hurts me way more than it hurts you.

You know how much I love to talk.

Let's just say we're very happy that Scott little

is out of that jail cell,

a place he shouldn't have been to begin with.

The fact that they would let an accused killer out at all

goes to show what a joke

our criminal justice system has become,

where the haves get one form of justice

and the have-nots get none at all.

Denny, you have got to gag this woman.

I would love to. Evidently, she plans to attend the trial.

Gracie Jane's coming to Boston?

Well, she lost John Mark karr.

I am a nervous wreck.

It doesn't matter how many trials I do.

Every one is like the first one. Who's he?

Paul lewiston, Bethany horowitz.

We're in trial together.

It all comes down to opening arguments, you know?

80% of all trials, the jury makes up its mind

after the opening.

You shouldn't smoke. It'll stunt...

Uh, never mind.

What, you've never seen a smoking dwarf before?

Bethany, are you okay to do this?

Of course I'm okay. I just get opening-day jitters.

You know what I do when I get anxious?

No, and I don't want to know. It works.

Aah! You are a sicko, perverted,

lewd, disgusting sleaze.

It's sexual, this ear pinch.

Yes. Pinching the ear gives you blood flow.

When's the last time you got that without taking a pill?

Aah!

♪♪♪

Aah!

Two out of three. What?

One of us has to cozy up to Dr. Simon.

He's a serial flirt.

Jeffrey thinks we can infiltrate his discretion.

I'll take odds. Okay, ready?

Oh, please. Come on.

[Sighs]One, two, three, shoot.

Yes! Again.

One, two, three...

Shoot.

[Laughs] Yes.

Great. He bellies up to the bar at McCabe's at 6:00.

Wear some perfume.

What's going on?

Paul, judge hooper, the victim's husband,

I hear you know him.

I do. He's basically the only one

who can give us any details on his wife's life.

Jeffrey's been shot down. Could you try?

Unless you'd rather flirt with Dr. Simon.

Judge brown just assigned me a cannibal.

You're second chairing. Did you say "cannibal"?

I figured if any lawyer could relate...

I didn't know Massachusetts had cannibals.

It's don't ask, don't tell.

We're meeting the client at 11:00.

Thanks for volunteering. Wait, no... why me?

Because this case is disgusting.

It's distasteful. It's repugnant.

Everything I stand for. I'll drive.

Shirley, is this about getting in a room with me?

Yes, Alan, I went out and recruited a cannibal

just to get close to you.

The idea of two consenting adults

savoring one another's meat...

11:00. I'll bring the condiments.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Look at that picture there closely. What do you see?

A dead woman.

No, no, that one there.

Still dead. On the nightstand.

Flowers.flowers.

Flowers wrapped in tissue and under that, newspaper.

They're not even in water yet.

Somebody just brought her these flowers.

Who would bring her flowers, Jeffrey? Not her husband.

He doesn't even seem to like her.

And I don't think Scott would,

since people having illicit affairs

don't tend to leave behind clues.

And newspaper? What kind of florist uses newspaper?

No, these flowers are from someone's private garden. Lincoln meyer.

I think he was there that night.

Maybe after he saw the boy leave, he went in.

♪♪♪

[Breathing deeply]

Is she okay? She's panting like a dog.

I heard that. Are you okay to do this?

This is how I get, all right?

Maybe I'm especially nervous here,

because I need to make them settle.

I know I can't prove malpractice.

Not to worry. We all get nervous, Bethany.

I do not want to hear what you do.

What I do before I open

is I remind myself who I am, how I got here.

There's a reason I'm sitting in the courtroom.

So before I get up, I say to myself, "I'm Denny crane."

And that's what you've got to do.

So before you get up,

take a deep breath and you say to yourself,

"I am a midget."

[Man] All rise.

♪♪♪

His name was Joseph Greenberg.

He was my best friend,

my only friend.

And you ate him.

I'm not a cannibal.

I'm not what they're making me out to be.

They have a witness who saw you,

"chewing on a thigh."

I was cremating him.

We had made a pact

that if one died and the other didn't...

And while he was burning,

I happened to be starving.

I hadn't had a meal in weeks.

It's just that he was there,

and I tried it. I tried it.

I was weak with hunger. I was delirious.

I w... I don't know. I-I was curious.

And I took a bite. It was stupid.

May I ask? This was your friend.

Uh, when he died,

why didn't you notify the authorities?

To be cremated, you need a next of kin.

The medical examiner won't take responsibility

for burning a homeless person without permission.

So people out on the streets, buddies of ours,

end up rotting on a slab in a warehouse downtown.

Joe deserved better than that.

You face a number of serious charges...

Violating the health code,

desecration of a human body.

Am I gonna go to jail?

Let us talk to the district attorney.

I'm sorry. I want to help you.

I really do, but there'll be no plea,

no discussion of one, and frankly,

no leniency when it comes to sentencing.

This is you wanting to help us?

Shirley... can I call you "Shirley"?

No.if this were just about

one homeless man desecrating another...

We wouldn't care.

But this is about the sanctity and morality of a society,

the human race, in fact. Oh, god, you're not gonna drag

the human race into this, are you?

Mr. Shore... actually, iprefer to be called "Shirley."

It gives me a tickle.

Knowing you, you probably plan to get up in the end and deliver

some stirring closing like, "cannibalism is good.

The world needs more people devouring each other."

No, we already have enough of that.

My problem is the American people

have been so desensitized to atrocity,

we just turn an indifferent ear and eye

to the most heinous of conduct.

Well, I am not going to turn away.

I'm going to make a firm and public stand.

[Laughs] Almost sounds as if you're running for something.

Oh, gee, you are.

Tell me, why saddle up on this issue?

Was pedophilia taken? No deal. He goes to jail.

And tell your boy, between now and trial,

he'd better not eat anyone else.

Tell me, Mr. Vote-for-me-come-November,

what if you lose this trial?

Did that ever occur to you?

Funny, it didn't.

Perhaps it should.

Hmm.

I would love to see how you're gonna win this one,

Shirley.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

All right, we'll first hear from the plaintiff's attorney.

Ms. Horowitz.

Thank you, your honor.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

I beg your pardon.

May I have a word with counsel, please?

What? I apologize, your honor.

It's just, we may be able to resolve this.

If I could just speak with her for a minute...

Take two if it'll resolve it.

[Lowered voice] $400,000. Final offer.

Good for 30 seconds.[Whispers] what do you mean, "good for 30 seconds"?

Better confer with your client. Clock is ticking.

He just offered $400,000.

Just like that? But it's only good for 30 seconds.

[Brad] What? What do you mean? I mean, he put a clock on it.

Half a minute. $400,000 is a lot of money.

Are you kidding? Take it! This would be my advice.

We can get more. You don't even know the case.

I can always get more.

Just say yes!

We accept your offer. Oh, jeez.

The offer was only good for 30 seconds,

and you took 33.

Offer rescinded.

Guess you'll have to resume your opening.

Ow!

♪♪♪

He baited me deliberately.

He did this because the book on you is

you're less effective when you lose your cool. Oh, shut up!

This is exactly the state of mind that he wants you in.

It was an offer made in bad faith.

I should bring a motion for sanctions.

That wouldn't make any difference. Shut up!

Shut up yourself. Now listen to me.

You're the badger.

Now you can either let this guy win

by rattling you with a cheap stunt,

or you could march yourself into that courtroom

and deliver the opening of your life.

It's in your hands, Bethany. Are you a winner or not?

[Footsteps approach]

Hello, Brian.

What are you doing in my chambers?

First, let me extend my condolences...

Please leave my chambers, Paul.

We have a very difficult job to do,

which you can certainly understand,

if not appreciate.

You're profiteering off my wife's death.

If you came in here looking for my sympathies...

Only your cooperation.

You won't get it. I'll ask you again to leave.

My friend... I'm certainly not your friend.

As part of our defense, we will be trying

to focus suspicion on other suspects. I asked you...

I think you need to hear me out.

We know from our investigation so far

that both you and your wife were being treated

by Dr. Zachary Simon.

We also have reason to believe

that you late wife was engaged

in extramarital relations

with other men.

I can explore this with you now

or in a much more public forum

during your testimony. You're threatening me?

I am in forming you that we will do

whatever we have to to protect our client.

On the chance that somebody else killed her,

you must be willing to at least...

Your client killed my wife.

There's no evidence of anyone else even being there.

Except you.

Is that where you're going with your defense, Paul?

We will go down any path

that leads to reasonable doubt,

and yes, my friend,

that is a threat.

I came around the back of the building,

and that's when I saw it. What did you see?

First, I saw a flame.

And as I got closer, I saw him.

The defendant? Yes.

And what else did you see?

He was eating something,

meat off a bone on the fire.

And what I saw next, well,

I couldn't believe my eyes.

What? Not to interrupt,

but might this be a good time to take a break? Sit down!

Tell us what you saw, miss baker.

For those of us who don't watch the news

or the district attorney's self-serving press conferences.

Mr. Shore, I will hold you in contempt!

Oh, now I'm the bad guy?

Sit, sit, sit!

Miss baker, tell the jury what you saw next.

A dead human body

cooking over an open fire,

and that man was eating part of the leg.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.

It was the most disgusting, awful, horrible

grotesque thing I ever saw!

She left out... shocking!

There we go.

♪♪♪

Here's what doesn't make sense to me.

There was no evidence of his fingerprints...

Nada, zip, zilch, nothing.

How could that be if he was there

delivering documents, making love to the victim,

doing who knows what?

The only explanation can be... he wiped the prints away.

Why would he do that if he wasn't guilty?

Hi. Um, a vodka neat, please.

They ought to gut him like a fish.

I have said it before. I will say it again. [Clears throat]

He is guilty, guilty, guilty.

Until then, we're moving on... the media just can't get enough, can they?

Oh, yeah.

In the middle east...

I think he did it.

I mean, who else if not him?

Well, I can't really comment.

Why not?

I'm connected with the case.

You are? Mm-hmm.

The accused was one of my patients.

The killer? Um...

You're his doctor?

The victim was a former patient.

Oh, you're lying.

I am not lying.

I'm connected with this big-time.

Wow. [Giggles]

[Chuckles]

I hope you're not expecting me

to close on this.

Oh, of course I am, Alan.

That's your niche...

Making the most unacceptable of taboos sound...

Exotic?

I cannot stop thinking about our little session last week.

We didn't have a session.

Admit it, Shirley.

You're drawn to me like Eve to the serpent.

Take me home and help me stretch my coil.

Has that line actually worked? It's working now.

[Laughs] I'm not trying to convince you.

Of something you don't already want.

I often find that men who like to talk about it

usually disappoint.

All I ask for is a chance.

I'm down on my knees if you'd like that.

The problem is, men don't get over me.

Really? Not to sound immodest,

but I'm very good in bed.

In fact, I'm rather phenomenal.

Ah... and then there's the biggest obstacle of all.

Which is?

Denny. Denny who?

He's your best friend, Alan.

It would hurt him.

Suppose I got this Denny'sblessing...

Get his blessing. Then we'll talk.

♪♪♪

Well, he didn't exactly flow with information,

but the reason he discontinued seeing marcia hooper

was because there was trouble in domestic paradise,

and he felt he couldn't ethically represent

both husband and wife.

And he thought marcia hooper

was infatuated with him. What?

Yeah, he said it's very common

with therapists and patients.

It's called transference. He also asked me out.

Sometimes a district attorney

must safeguard not just the law,

but human decency itself.

This was a crime against morality, against god.

What has happened to our community?

Our society... Denny...

When it becomes okay for a man to eat another man...

Why do you have clothespins on your ears? Mm, personal.

Have our morals really sunk so low? Uh...

Denny... well, I stand before you today to say no.

[Turns off TV]

I lay awake in bed last night

taking measure of our special friendship.

Do you ever do that?

We're flamingoes.

Yes, and what I discovered to be the root...

One of the roots...

Of our interlocking bond

is our unfettered ability to share,

be it our intimacies,

our fears, our successes.

My root is your root.

If I should ever like to drive your car... I'd toss you my keys.

If I should ever need any money... my check is blank.

Or need to pick your brain... my mind is blank.

Anythingyou have or once did have

is therefor me.

Except for Shirley.

Keep your root away from Shirley.

She told you.

Told me what?

My friend...

One of my goals in life

is to go to all the places you've gone, and...

Just don't go to Shirley. She's mine.

Denny... no!

♪♪♪

Okay, Ms. Horowitz, let's give this another go, shall we?

My client's wife needed heart surgery.

And so her h.M.O.

Stuck her on a plane and sent her to India to have it,

where she died on the table.

The reason she was sent to India

is because it's cheaper.

It's called medical outsourcing.

It goes on all the time, and I'm sure you know this.

And you know what? If I needed surgery,

I might consider making the schlep.

Why should I pay $90,000 for heart surgery

when I can get the same thing over there for $10,000?

The problem is that Cindy Potter

didn't get to make that choice,

because when she signed on with wellness health care,

all of the surgeries were done here.

When that policy was modified, she couldn't switch h.M.O.S,

because by then, she had a preexisting heart condition,

and nobody else would take her,

at least not at a price that she could afford,

so she had to get on that plane.

My client here, he had to work.

He couldn't go with her,

and his wife died on the other side of the world.

Now I can't really put a price tag on that, can you?

Now I know

it's not the defendant's fault

that medical expenses are out of control here.

I don't blame the defendant

that half of Americans are uninsured.

In fact, I give them credit

for searching for a solution.

But come on.

Shipping a patient with a heart condition to India

is nota solution.

It can't be. We have to be better than that.

This is america.

They should be banging down congress' doors.

They find it cheaper

to go to India.

♪♪♪

And they said they might be calling me early.

I could be the lead-off witness.

Can you imagine? You're gonna be on television.

I'll be on "Gracie Jane."

These are some beautiful flowers, Lincoln.

I grew them myself. I'm very botanical.

Oh, I can see that.

Hey, Lincoln, I was reading Mrs. Hooper's affidavit

in support of her motion for a restraining order.

It didn't seem to me like she was infatuated with you at all.

Her husband put her up to that.

He's evil.

She said some terrible things about you,

called you "psychologically disturbed, sick."

That had to hurt. Bet it made you angry even.

I don't like the tenor of your remark.

No, I'm just saying here's this woman that you adored...

Bet you loved to bring her flowers, huh?

And in a public document, she calls you "sick,"

mentally unbalanced. I recognize your tenor, Mr. Coho.

I'm not stupid.

You mean to imply that I killed her.

I loved her.

I cherishedher.

You are not welcome in my home anymore,

you and your inappropriate tenor.

I'll ask you to leave.

The bad news is we were unable to find any character witnesses.

It seems your only friend

was Joseph.

Is there any good news?

"Primetime" wants to have you on.

During sweeps they want you to eat Diane Sawyer.

Sorry.

Why do you need a character witness?

Well, the jury could be looking at you like...

You need to demonstrate to them that you are not a monster.

Maybe I am a monster.

I burned my best friend. I ate him.

Maybe I'm every bit of...

You're not a monster, Mr. Nichols.

What kind of person

ends up by himself on the street?

I don't have one single friend that can speak on my behalf.

You're not a monster, and you're not a criminal.

All we can do is to call you to the stand.

You need to explain to the jury,

as sympathetically as you can,

why you did what you did.

♪♪♪

It's not fair.

You can't just claim women for all time.

I only claim Shirley. What about Ivan tiggs?

She married him.

Why don't you take the girl I married last year?

You can have her. I want Shirley.

I can understand how you feel.

When I was 15, I had this enormous crush on a girl.

Diana coralac.

She was a fetching goddess. She developed early.

But she liked this kid George.

So one day I went to George and I said, uh,

"I'll wrestle you for her," and why he agreed I don't know,

but within four seconds I flipped him on his back,

sat on his head and he tapped out.

And then I spent the night in Diana's fetching bosom.

It was magic.

I challenge you, Denny.

To what?

You're going to wrestle?

Why not? It's not like he can beat me.

And you think I'mthe prize? You're always the prize, Shirley.

Of all the humiliat... how dare you?

Making me the prize in a wrestling match?

Oh, get over yourself.

Man has done battle to get the girl

since the beginning of time. Man has evolved, Alan,

with the exception, of course, being Denny.

Thank you. Shirley, admit it.

This has to be a little thrilling.

Thrilling? Two fat boys fighting it out on a mat?

You know the problem with mankind, Shirley?

Oh, god. We legislate our morality,

our beings with this code

of reason and common sense and respectable restraint.

And it leaves no room for passion, for bestial yearning.

It leaves Jack a very dull boy

and Jill thoroughly unsatisfied.

How rich this moment is if you think of it.

Two men in their sexual...

Okay, twilight...

Are about to enter a cage

for the right to nestle into your loins,

to uncork your holy grail.

This is life, Shirley! We're ready to kill for you.

This is the very essence of life.

What he said, totally.

How's the case going?

Could be better.

If you ask me, plead murder two.

Good behavior, kid's out in six.

I don't think Jeffrey's gonna want to plead. Of course not.

Give up his 15 minutes?

Brad, he's coming in with another offer.

Who? The disgusting slimeball defense lawyer.

This time I think it's for real.

He asked to continue the trial.

This woman is a starer.

Where's Denny? In his office.

I don't like starers.

I wasn't staring.

I was only trying to cremate him according to his wishes.

As a homeless person,

he would have ended up decomposing

on a slab alone somewhere till...

I couldn't allow for that.

Okay, but at some point during the cremation ceremony,

you decided to eat your friend.

We had both read the book, the account of the soccer team

that was on the plane that crashed in the andes.

The survivors had to eat some of the dead bodies

so that they could continue to survive.

None of them were arrested, by the way,

if you read the book. You and Joseph talked about this?

Yes, n-not that that's what I planned to do that night at all.

I'm just saying that what I did do

was not contrary to his wishes.

I think the jury would like to know, why did you do it?

I was starving.

I hadn't had a meal in two weeks, and...

I was starving.

♪♪♪

First, let me preface.

This is nota negotiation. This is a final offer.

Either you accept it, or we return to court. What's the number?

$650,000 absent any showing of malpractice.

That's a gift.

We're just looking to avoid the expense of a trial.

Yes or no? What's it gonna be?

The thing about h.M.O.S is they're very good at math.

The expense of a trial wouldn't come close to $650,000.

The other thing is they don't make gifts.

It's the exposure of a trial that you're worried about,

and why shouldn't you be?

The future of your whole business depends on outsourcing.

It saves you billions and billions of dollars.

And the worst thing that could possibly happen

is for some stigma to be attached to the concept. I told you,

this is nota negotiation. The number's $950,000.

Are we going back to court or not?

I think we can make $950,000 work.

Good for you.

[Thump]

The dwarf fainted.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Breathing deeply]

I am so embarrassed.

I have to admit,

in my practice, I have never seen a number that big.

I'm sure you people see it all the time.

You caused that number, Bethany.

You scared the hell out of them with your opening.

They didn't dare stick around for the closing.

I'm trying not to get emotional. Thank you, Denny.

I'm so grateful to you.

Somehow in that vile, disgusting shell of yours,

I think there must be a nice person.

I'd like to have lunch again, start from scratch.

If I promised not to call you a midget

and ask you to take your clothes off...

This is you from scratch?

You're an extraordinary woman.

I don't get to meet many.

Give me a week or two

to forget what you're like.

Then we can have lunch.

♪♪♪

We live in a time where almost anything goes, don't we?

Gay marriage is barely considered alternative anymore.

You go on the Internet, you can find a club

for almost any kind of fetish, however depraved.

We're a society where nothing seems to shock us anymore.

Well, if we've reached the day

where burning the remains of a body

and cannibalism doesn't offend,

then I guess life has no sanctity at all, does it?

No dignity.

Please deliver a verdict that says there issanctity

not just to the life of a human being,

but also the death.

A billion and a half christians

routinely go to church on sun days

and ceremoniously eat the body of Christ,

drink his blood.

"He who drinks my flesh and drinks my blood

abides in me and I in him."

Jesus said that. How dare you?

What? Who have I offended now?

How dare you take the holy sacrament literally?

Is that not done? You have equated it

with a vile and despicable act.

I apologize, your honor.

I certainly don't mean to indict holy communion,

but let's not carry on

with the idea that the notion of cannibalism

offends the sanctity of life.

It has roots not only in sacraments

not to be taken literally,

but also Greek mythology.

It's still glorified in certain sections

of both the south and I believe Malibu.

And I might add, it's not illegal.

There's no federal law, no Massachusetts law

that criminalizes cannibalism.

That's why Mr. District attorney my-name-appears-second-

on-the-ballot-this-November Ginsberg

has trumped up these other charges...

Desecration and so forth...

And lectured you on dignity and sanctity.

There is no dignity

in starving to death.

When a homeless person

is left to rot on a slab,

the sanctity of life somehow gets trivialized.

Mr. District attorney my-name-appears-second-

on-the-ballot-this-November Ginsberg

wants you to be offended.

You know what offends me?

We have in this country over a million homeless people.

The government can't feed them, can't give them shelter,

but hey, let's spend $60,000 to $70,000

to prosecute one who tried to stave off death.

Let's spend another $45,000 a year to imprison him.

There is no dignity in that. It's cruel.

Mr. Nichols was cremating his friend

to prevent the indignity

of the unceremonious and degrading decomposition

of his body.

As for why he ate,

he told you.

He was starving.

When was the last time you starved?

How about you?

I know you're not starving, except for attention.

Let's face it.

They only reason we're all here

is because cannibalism makes for good television.

What better to satiate some preelection hunger pangs

than a bellyful of media attention?

Mr. District attorney my-name-appears-second-

on-the-ballot-this-November Ginsberg knows that.

That's why he's handling this case personally.

Not only does it give him a sensational platform

for his shameless self-promotion,

it also fits his notion of society...

That it's not about understanding the homeless,

it's about prosecuting them.

It kind of makes you wonder.

Who here is really the cannibal?

♪♪♪

I'd be more than happy to drive you home.

Oh, thank you.

I actually have my own car,

um, which is actually right there.

[Chuckles]

Is it that you don't trust yourself with me?

[Sighs]

Oh, wow, you really can read people, can't you?

That's my job.

[Chuckles]

So can I see you again?

Sure.

Let's have something to look forward to.

I'm a magnificent kisser.

Are you now?

I don't like to drop names,

but I once kissed Gina gershon.

Did you?

We were out together... in a group.

Mm.i happened to be driving

in the direction of her hotel, so I offered her a lift.Hmm.

And well, one thing led to another.[Softly chuckles]

She confided in me

that she had never been kissed like that in her life.

Well, it's, uh...

Always been a goal

for my mouth

to go where Gina's has, but...

I dig you, Claire.[Chuckles]

And I dig you, Zach.

Call me.

[Car alarm chirps]I will.

[Chuckles]

[Clears throat]

[Engine turns over]

[Cheering]

[Tribal drums beating]

Oh, my god.

[Native American music playing]

[Cheering resumes]

[Music stops]

Why are you dressed like an Indian?

Growing up, my favorite wrestler was chief Jay strongbow.

You look like one of the village people.

Okay, are we ready?

Shouldn't we pee in a cup first?

I don't trust his testosterone levels. Mine's naturally high.

3-minute rounds. 2 points for a takedown.

1 point for an escape.

If either of you tap out, it's over.

Set? Set.

[Cheering resumes]

Let's get it on.

Oh!

Ooh!

Aah!

[Wild cheering]

Ow! Hey!

[Alan] Aah!

♪♪♪

Five seconds?

He cheated.

You can't squat on the head. Five seconds?

Four, actually.

The defendant will please rise.

Madam foreperson, would you kindly announce to the court

the outrageous verdict of the jury?

That's encouraging.

In the matter of

the commonwealth of Massachusetts

vs. Clarence Nichols on the charge.

Of desecrating human remains in violation

of the human welfare and safety health code,

we find the defendant Clarence Nichols not guilty.

[Judge brown] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

Do you think we win too much?

Are we losing all suspense?

I don't know what to say.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you both.[Gavel bangs]

Listen, we never let our contestants

go home empty-handed, so along with the home version

of the crane, poole & schmidt game,

here's a check for $5,000.

What? What?

It's an experimental program.

It's called "we the fortunate

should endeavor to help the less fortunate."

I'm sure it'll never fly.

Go have a nice meal, take a trip,

maybe splurge for some health insurance.

I don't know what to say. You people are amazing.

Bye.

You gave him your own money?

I wasn't using it.

Denny, I want a rematch.

Forget it. You cheated.

I did not.

You know, the first time I had sex with Shirley,

it went exactly like that.

I flipped her on her back, and I sat on her head.

[Chuckles] Hope it was better for her than it was for me.

It was better for me.

It also lasted about four seconds.

Do you think you could ever bring yourself

to eat me?

I mean, say we were on a desert island,

and I died, and you were starving.

Could you eat me?

Could you eat me?

Well, I might be afraid of the mad cow.

When I die, I want to be buried, Denny.

I don't want to be cremated,

incinerated into nothingness.

Oh, what do you care? When you're dead, you're dead.

I don't actually believe that.

I believe there's something after.

Heaven?

I don't know, something.

Alan shore believes man has a soul.

Stop the presses.

Don't you believe it? Can this be all there is?

If so, have we wasted...

I haven't wasted a second.

I've enjoyed my ride, all of it.

But will it truly have counted for something?

[Chuckles]

You know the old joke, Alan?

A man shows up at the pearly gates,

sees this guy in a pinstriped suit

and a briefcase, a cigar

prancing about.

And he says to Saint Peter,

"who's that guy?"

Saint Peter says, "aw, that's just god.

He thinks he's Denny crane."

[Laughs]

What would you do, Denny, if you actually met god one day?

I'd probably take him fishing.

Indeed.

He'd probably want to wrestle me for Shirley.

Indeed again.

♪♪♪

[Coughing]

Next on "Boston legal"... what have you been sued for?

One of my attorneys... I terminated him. What'd you fire him for?

He turned out to be a scientologist.

Sally. How you doin', old man?

This is opposing counsel? I used to date that woman.

That gives me the first right to red ate her. Since we're playing by high school rules,

I dated her after you did. What are you planning to say?

Get out of my way, Barbara.

[Whispers] I will not let you get away with this.

Were you obsessed with marcia hooper? I was enamored.

Clearly, she made you angry. She did not make me angry.

She called you "sick," unbalanced. No.

She was drawn to me! You kill her, Lincoln?