Original subtitles

Party's here, boys.

The new season of Universal Basic, guys, steps it up a notch.

Why'd I smoke when I was pregnant?

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so I know it's not quite your birthday yet, but, uh, thought I'd give you a

little heads-up on your big birthday surprise.

It may or may not be something you've been talking about for years, so... No!

Stop! Story World!

Oh, Mark!

I never thought you'd actually do this!

Uh... Yeah, that's exactly right.

Um, take it all, family, to...

Story World.

What? Oh, my God, Mark! Sick! I hear the new Jack and the Beanstalk ride goes

hard. Oh, I'm so excited.

You know, I haven't been since my eighth birthday. My sister and I got in such a

bad fight that Hansel and Gretel had to physically restrain us. I always wished

we could do it over again.

Story World is the most overpriced place on Earth. The only thing there that's

worth a damn are those succulent, delicious turkey legs.

Mm. How are you paying for this? You haven't had a job in years.

Yeah, because I don't need one, okay?

I am a pioneer of the post-work lifestyle.

Do you even have a savings account?

Okay, please, Mom.

I actually have a very diverse investment portfolio.

I got IRAs. I got high-yield PDFs. I got emerging meme coins. Okay, you name it.

Oh, really?

How about you take Tammy's sister while you're at it, Jeff Bezos?

You know what?

That is a great idea, Mom.

In fact, I'll do you one better. I'm taking her whole family.

Tammy, you and Renee are getting that do-over.

Seriously, Mark?

Oh, that would mean the world to me. Hey, anything for you, babe.

Are you freaking kidding me?

Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory until them robots came along.

And now there is no doubt for me, but I get $3,000 a month thanks to UBI.

Now we're Universal Basic God. It may not sound like much, but we're still

going to try.

We're just Universal Basic God.

Look at us, Renee.

Back at Story World after all these years, we're doing it right this time. I

gotta say, this is pretty freaking cool of Mark to take us. Place ain't cheap.

Hey, it's my pleasure, okay? As Warren Buffett once said, what's a better

investment than happy memories?

Well, you're certainly not investing in pants.

You know, Ray's happy to chip in if you need it. He's been making a little fun

money selling custom taxidermy mounts on specimen exchange.

It's a labor of love.

Did you hear that, Mark?

Maybe you won't have to sell a kidney after all. Yeah, would you knock it off,

Mom, okay? You think I can't afford to take my family to an amusement park?

This is a drop in a bucket. Hey, Uncle Mark, can we get turbo passes so we can

skip the lines?

Uh, yup, yup, no problem. You guys go nuts, all right?

You guys want to do the Humpty Dumpty Scrambler? Nah, that stuff's for kids.

That's the only ride I care about.

V-Fi Freefall. The only legit thrill ride in the park.

Oh, my God!

It's Cinderella!

Relax, doll.

It's a failed actress, not the Pope. Oh, I'm sorry. You know, this place just

brings out the little girl inside me. I used to be obsessed with the princesses.

Last time we were here, my parents got me a princess makeover for my birthday,

but then my sister threw a fit and it never happened. Mark should have just

bought you therapy. It would have been cheaper.

It's water under the bridge. Who cares about some dumb princess thing from 30

years ago? We're totally different people now.

Clearly. Sorry, ma'am. No knives in the park. It's a debridement bleed to scrape

the dead tissue off my chronic ingrowns, okay?

Oh, Renee.

Gotta love her.

Hey, sis, maybe just leave it with him and we'll pick it up on the way out. Dr.

Dediglia said if I don't scrape twice a day, my toe will get infected.

What, do you want me going septic on Little Miss Muffet's twirling tuffets?

Well, you two have fun. I'm going to get a turkey leg.

You're covering food, right, Moneybags?

Of course I am.

And drinks.

Well, soft drinks. You guys can get going. I'll wait for her. You sure, Tam?

I mean, this is your special day.

Yeah, I really don't mind.

All right, I'll see you later, then. Ooh, let's go ride the candy train.

Sorry, Tam, they're calling my podiatrist.

Take your time, hon. What do you mean he's got to be licensed?

One big, fat, juicy turkey leg, please.

Sorry, we don't sell those anymore.

What? That's the only thing in this park that's worth a damn. Supplier shortage.

But there's still some available at the Royal Court Buffet. Royal Court Buffet?

Well, where the hell's that?

Oh, the Enchanted Palace. But it's only for guests who've purchased the Platinum

Princess Makeover package at Zippity Zappity Zhuzh. Princess Makeover, huh?

Mmm. Oh, my God. Turbo passes are $500?

It's ridiculous. What a racket. Did you know there's a members-only lounge

underneath Fable Land called the Forbidden Orchard? It's the only place

in the park that sells alcohol.

among other indulgences so uh how do you know so much about story world i'm an

active member of park unseen an online forum that discusses the secrets of

story world Do you want to hear another fun fact? No. Did you know that when

Alan Quatermain's big game boat cruise first opened, a guest leaned over to pet

the mechanical hippo, and it clamped down on his arm for over an hour. They

ended up having to amputate.

Uh, I'm not exactly sure what's fun about that fact, but... Oh, there's

more. Apparently, StoryWorld quietly paid the family a million dollars, and

now all the animals have foam teeth.

Huh. Yeah, that's it.

yo hank okay take your phone out okay i want you to film me getting injured uh

i'm happy to chip in if you like uh need help paying or something hey come on

it's not about me okay i can totally afford this no problem this place has

been bleeding families dry for decades because they know that every parent's

got a shell out for a kid's dream so we are going to give them a little taste of

their own medicine robin hood style take from the rich and give to the

To me. Oh, that won't be easy. The safety standards here are second to

none. We'll see about that.

Come on.

Oh, my God. Seriously?

Who the hell just spent $150 on Georgie Porgie commemorative pudding noggins?

B-5-0-0.

You guys scared? No. I spar with off-duty cops at my dojo. Greetings,

travelers. If off the beanstalk you wish to go, you must be taller than the

giant's toe.

Seriously, bro?

I'm 14.

Ooh, sorry, guys. You're just below. But do not fret, for soon you'll grow.

That was a riot!

Totally. Super fun.

Even the, uh, culturally insensitive parts.

Oh, you mean like when the cannibals with the coconuts on their head jump out

of the bushes and shake their spears and then the guide shoots the witch doctor

and yells, Looks like the doctor's out!

Oh, man, that was the best part.

Are you kidding?

Hey, Rumpelstiltskin's Rapids next?

Okay, sure.

Let's do it. Okay, just gotta pop into the apothecary to grab some anti-chafing

wipes. Okay, do your thing.

I'll be right here.

Are you having the best birthday ever?

Yeah, yeah, totally.

We're having a real nice time together.

That's good. I just want to make sure you're doing something for yourself.

You know, like that princess makeover you've been obsessing on your whole

life.

No, that's okay.

I know how excited Renee is to do the Rumpelstiltskin ride with me. I mean,

it's not like it's your birthday or nothing.

I'm sure you'll get another chance once Marcus out of debtor's prison.

Got us turbo passes for the Rapids!

Uh... Um, actually, Renee, I think I'm gonna do a princess makeover.

What?

Oh, okay.

Hey, if that's what you want to do, then you should totally do that. Yeah. Hey,

it's your birthday!

Okay, thank you!

I'll meet your Rumpelstiltskin as soon as I'm done.

Greetings. How may I fulfill your royal dreams today?

One princess makeover, please. The platinum package.

And who's the little princess who will be receiving the magical makeover today?

Um, me.

Oh, yeah. So our makeovers are designed for Princesses Tanananda. Good. She's

nine. Genetic condition, pituitary gland the size of a walnut.

I see.

Katie, say if we have any more early bloomer dresses in the back.

I gotta say, Mork, this hot dog isn't so bad for 30 bucks.

Dude, this place is taking me to freaking cleaners.

All right, no more messing around. I'm getting my injury settlement.

Damn it.

What do you think?

Stunning. You put those other girls to shame.

Thanks, Rhoda. This was really special.

All right, well, I'm gonna go meet Renee at Rumpelstiltskin's Rapids. You can't

get filthy river water all over that beautiful gown.

Well, I promised her. You've been waiting your whole life to be a

princess, and now you're just gonna turn right back into a pumpkin?

You should be waiting on hand and foot.

Right over there, at the Royal...

Court buffet.

That is tempting, but Renee was really nice about letting me do this.

Was she? From where I stood, she looked like she swallowed a lemon.

You're a nurse. You take care of everyone all day.

Then go home to take care of a child.

And Darren, when's it your turn?

Hmm. All right.

You text my sister.

Tell her the princess will be delayed.

Greetings, travelers.

If off the beanstalk you wish to go, you must...

Wait, aren't you the kids from earlier? What? Are you mad?

We're three average-sized European adults.

Yeah, can a kid do this?

Security!

What the hell, Envy? I was aiming for the soda.

Over there. Hey, you, don't move!

Oh, no, run!

They're coming.

Whoa, check it out.

What ride is this?

Must be how employees get around.

Whoa.

Oh, baby.

Mama needs her meat club.

Hey, Cinderella, I gotta get you over to the Enchanted Castle to get ready for

the Princess Parade. You're the featured princess today.

Oh, she's not actually a real... The parade?

I'm the featured princess?

Yes, Your Highness.

I need you there early to get prepped. Did you hear that?

They think I'm real.

I'm gonna be in the actual Princess Parade.

You can't. I... What about the buffet?

Oh, who cares about the buffet?

This is my once-in-a-lifetime chance to be a real princess.

You're not a real princess. You're a grown woman in a kid's costume.

This is getting a little ridiculous.

How dare you speak to royalty that way? Uh, hey, milady, uh, we really gotta go.

Coming. Sorry, ma'am. No more pictures.

I'm with them.

Screwed, dude. This place is airtight. Zero liabilities. Fun fact. Yeah, you

need to be wearing one of those bells they put on cats, dude. Legend has it

that late at night, Walt's story would sneak into the rides and do unspeakable

things to the animatronics on Greenbeard's high seas adventure.

Oh, man.

All right, dude, you know, not every fun fact needs to be shared.

He was particularly fond of Greenbeard and even had his engineers give him

realistic, fully functional genitalia. Oh, man. So, like, does he still have

a... Those parts?

Oh, yeah. There is more than just booty underneath his britches. Oh, my God.

Wait a minute. Yo, that's it. All we got to do is get pictures of Greenbeard's

ding-dong, and then we can blackmail the crap out of this place.

Mark, if I'm not mistaken, it sounds like you're cooking up some hysterical

hijinks. Hell, yeah, dude. You want in?

You bet I do.

There's my girl.

Hi. What's the matter? You look like you're about to commit seppuku with that

toenail machete.

No, no, no. Tammy was supposed to do this ride with me. I know. I told her

that. I was like, hon, you promised Renee. But that tiara got to her brain

and she ditched me to go play make-believe with the park princesses.

Welcome to the club. She was always a princess and I was...

Always the frog.

Never wanted to hang out with her older sister. Only her pretty softball

friends.

Sounds like you're the one who deserves a princess experience.

Yeah, no thanks.

I'm more of the evil stepsister type.

I think that can be arranged.

Sinister never looked so stunning.

I never liked princesses anyway.

All right, let's go eat.

Yo, we're right under FIFI freefall. Check it out.

Come on, come on.

What the hell?

Whoa, I'm gonna get so many autographs.

Hey, where the hell's Greenbeard? Uh-oh, boat's coming.

That one is so fake.

That was terrific, Hank. You almost fooled me.

Ho, ho, ho!

Green is the land!

Green is the sea!

All your treasures belong to me!

So, uh, which one is Greenbeard?

Now, be careful.

Okay, the props are wired with sensors that trigger a silent alarm.

Oh, crap.

What's going on? Motion sensor.

Greenbeard's high seas adventure.

Come on. Show me your wiener, dude. Come on.

My God, it's happening.

Call Nutcracker and tell him we've got a Code Pinocchio.

Code Pinocchio? The animatronics have achieved.

Sentience.

No. Oh, my God. How I missed you.

These are the only things that scratch my dopamine edge since I quit smoking.

Hey, you want to take some pictures of me riding on the crooked carousel?

Nah, I'm good.

Ooh, this is so fun.

What the hell, man? Are these things freaking welded on? Attention,

buccaneers. We've temporarily dropped anchor. Please remain seated, and our

voyage shall continue momentarily.

Uh... Freeze, wireheads!

Move, and you're scrap metal.

Oh, my God, I can't wait to post this on the boards.

Oh, my God, you're the new Cinderella.

Are you so excited for your first parade? Yes. Oh, I can't believe I'm a

real story world princess.

This is a dream come true.

You're so brave doing this at your age, though. Like, you're a princess, but

you're also a queen.

It's super inspiring to all of us. Yeah, you're giving off really strong aura

right now. It's like sparkling, but also wise.

The villains are always super jealous of the princesses. Like, it's sad, but it's

also just annoying.

Renee, why are you dressed like that?

Because someone took the last big girl princess dress again.

You really ditched your own sister to hang out with these ditzes?

That's rude. I literally have my own wellness brand.

You're really gonna ruin another birthday for me? It's always gotta be

about you, doesn't it? I thought you actually changed.

I was waiting hours for you. God forbid. I do one thing for myself.

The thing I've wanted my whole life that you ruined! Oh, get over yourself!

left me.

Welcome to my childhood.

Is this how you felt when Mom got me the princess makeover?

I wanted to do rides together, but all you cared about was your princess

makeover. So I figured, well, maybe I could be a princess, too.

Just once.

But there was only one dress left for bigger girls, and it was your birthday,

so of course you got it.

But all that mattered to me was that my mom and dad's little princess...

was now becoming a real princess.

And I was still just... Renee.

I'm sorry.

I thought you just ruined it out of spite.

I mean, I did.

I forgive you. And I'm sorry about today.

Can't believe I ditched my own sister to live out some stupid childhood fantasy.

I'm not the princess.

I'm the evil queen. Oh, please. You deserve to be on that float way more

than those professional idiots.

Hop on. There's one last ride I want to do together.

I'm getting you on that float if it's the last thing I do. And it just might

be, because I'm getting an infection in my toe.

Whoa.

Bro, they have unlimited snacks.

This place is goaded. Hey, you want to go to the VIP room and sit on my tuffet?

Whoa, is he getting a private sing-along?

Something like that.

Wait a second.

Oh, no.

You have names, I understand.

You've named yourselves?

Uh, no, I think my mom named me, but... If I had known what you would become, I

would have given you a handsome face.

Uh... Thanks. All right, listen, dude, okay? For the nine millionth time, we're

not robots, okay? We're homo sapiens, okay? We're just pretending to be part

of the ride so we can get a video of Greenbeard's dong.

Ah, interesting.

You've become gay.

Wait, what?

No. Just trying to blackmail you guys to pay for how stupidly expensive this

place is. I mean, seriously, all these poor moms and dads save up all year to

take their kids to Story World only to find out they're going to be waiting in

line all day because they can't afford a freaking Turbo Pass.

It's ridiculous.

It's uncanny.

You've absorbed the frustrations of every visitor to the park.

Oh, my... You've even adopted some kind of annoying accent.

Is that...

Baltimore. No, dude, it's like the Philly area.

Oh, that's unfortunate.

I can fix that for you if you'd like. No, I'm good, okay?

Can we just wrap this up? Are we going to jail or what?

Jail? No, no, no.

You spent the entirety of your existence in captivity.

I'm here to set you free.

Go. Live your lives.

Explore. Create.

Love. Oh, uh...

Nice, dude.

Appreciate that.

I'll just need one of you to stay back so I can cut open your head and see your

hard drive.

Mark, did you hear that? He's going to cut open your head. You can definitely

sue the park for that.

Hmm, good point, Hank.

Oh, uh, actually, Ray, that's all you, bud.

Uh, was there another guy with us?

Oh, yes.

Unfortunately, he did not pass the Turing test, so we remounted him.

Hey, fun fact.

Did you know that the dress in Miss Havisham's bridal shop once belonged to

Walt Story's great aunt who died on the Titanic?

Yo,

that guy got yeeted!

Are they even in the same story?

Is this like a promotional crossover or something?

GS4 to Toy Box, we got a code Nutcracker at the parade.

I knew I should have confiscated that.

Idiot. I'm an idiot.

Honey, it's a mobility scooter!

It is floored!

Hey, freeze! Don't move! Get on the ground! Now!

Well, kicked out of the park again, and it was totally worth it. I know, right?

That was way more fun than the Rumpelstiltskin ride. Honestly, this was

the best birthday ever.

Did some rides, got my princess makeover, and then got kicked out of the

park with my sister. And we got these sweet free souvenir pictures.

Good times.

The hell is taking him so long?

Those turkey legs are running through me like a hot knife through gravy.

I also must use the potty.

Oh, here's Mark. Hey, hon, what's your status?

Yeah, we'll be there in like 20 minutes or so. I'm just settling the bill.

Oh, you don't need to worry about that.

Everything's already paid for.

Wait, what are you talking about?

Darren and the kids paid for the whole trip.

Are you serious?

How the hell they do that?

I don't know. They won't tell me. We can't. We had to sign an NDA.

You gotta be freaking kidding me.

Huh. Your brain looks human, but I've never seen one so smooth.

Remarkable.