Original subtitles

Years of crushing my family in Pictionary will come in handy

for this missing dog flyer.

So, the kid said the dog was like a dirty mop

with big pointy ears, one eye, fur like a firework.

Anything about the tail?

Um, like a rat chewed it off.

Mmm! Uh-huh, uh-huh, that's helpful.

You know what else would be helpful?

Breed, size, weight.

Okay. All right.

Perfect. Put it on every milk carton in America.

Picked up a real freak at the park.

Thought it was a crumpled-up sweatshirt until he licked me.

Huh.

Ooh, Frank. Stay still.

I wanna capture that look on your face.

♪ [vocalizing]

Emily to Frank.

Just a gentle reminder that Shred and I are waiting for you

to RSVP to our official Couple's Launch Party.

What the hell is a couple's launch party?

You two aren't a celebrity tequila brand.

Tequila is out, Grandpa.

Sniffing markers is back in.

It is.

It's a housewarming party.

Our first chance to co-host as co-habitants.

It's tone setting for the entire relationship.

And that tone is elevated fun.

Tell 'em about the lasagna.

I'm making lasagna!

And there's that sparkling chemistry that Emily

blew up her career for.

Guys, I'm a strong maybe.

I'm going out with my cousin Rishi

and his real estate friends tonight.

What? You have to come.

Party Shirt Patel is my favorite Patel.

Rishi's thing is a booze cruise.

It's going to be epic.

And I promised myself one crazy story

before Maya and the kids get back.

I ate lasagna with coworkers is a pretty dynamic story.

I'm sorry, Patel, but you will give us an hour and a half

at the party, so I will see you there.

Which brings us back to Frank.

- [siren whoops] - [Frank] Can't talk.

- Getting pulled over. - [siren wailing]

There actually really is a cop behind this.

[Officer] Pull over.

Just push your boobs together. It works every time.

[Frank] Cops pulling over Animal Control.

It's a good use of taxpayer dollars.

What's the problem, Officer?

Yeah, I'm gonna have to cite you for D.W.C.

Driving While Chicken-less.

[Shred laughs]

See, this is why I wish I had a brother.

Playful razzin'.

Staging fake traffic stops as a joke.

This is good stuff.

Don't...

Butter. Garlic.

Years of accumulated chicken grease.

You son of a bitch, you have Mom's pan.

And you have her dainty feet, so we're even.

Ooh, I'm sensing some new familial lore.

Come on, lay it on me, fellas.

This pan has been seasoned by hundreds of family dinners.

And you're not only eating decades of built-up crust

and chicken drippings, you're eating history.

Okay, not for nothing, when's the last time

either of you boys had an angiogram?

And there's no way that Dad gave you that pan.

He did give it to me because I'm his favorite.

Single malt Scotch is his favorite.

Okay. Enjoy the drumstick.

'Cause it's the last succulent piece of Mom

you're ever gonna have.

Oh, don't say that!

Never say that.

No, I'm gonna give you a citation,

because I can.

I just have to get a pen

from my cop car.

Don't go anywhere.

[engine starts]

Okay, control your mucking, please. Yeah.

So, are you going to Emily and Shred's thing tonight?

Ooh.

Were people talking about their party in front of you?

- That's rude. - No, I'm invited.

Right. Yeah.

No, of course you would be.

Yes, I will be there.

Good! Because you deserve a night off

from raising that pig.

Well, at least your eye bags do.

That's so sweet. Thank you, Daisy.

Oh, relax.

It happens to all new moms.

It happened to me, too.

But you do tend to bounce back quicker when you're young.

Oh, do you?

Yeah. So, what's the vibe like tonight?

Like, should I bring a gift?

Uh...

you know what?

Emily is so weird about gifts.

She's one of those people who's, like,

"your presence is your present".

And she means it.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, I'm gonna make sure my presence is perfect,

and I gotta go get these nails done.

We literally have, like, seven hours of work.

You know what? I don't--

[Emily] Ooh!

Okay...

Lasagna...

is officially cooking.

Yes, and...

ice is officially cold.

Whoo! Ooh...

Oh, the place looks so darn good--

oh!

- [Shred gasps] Right? - Wow!

Pretty sweet, huh?

When you said I should get something of my own in here,

I knew just the thing.

Yeah. S-- so cool.

I'm so glad it didn't get lost in the move.

My favorite snowboarding bib? No way!

I mean, this is my guts and my glory.

Yeah, I think I see your actual guts.

Yeah, that's faceplant blood.

[timer beeps]

Um... ooh! It's almost time.

So, I need you on snacks.

Snacks are done, baby.

Bam!

- Look at that. - Wow...

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

You know what might be nicer is if

we weren't serving anything in, uh...

its original packaging.

- Very classy. - Mm-hmm.

Now they'll think we baked the chips ourselves.

At the Cool Ranch.

[doorbell rings]

People are here!

Ooh!

[phone rings]

What?

- Dad, it's me. - Make it quick.

What are you, in the middle of something?

No.

You gave Mom's cast iron pan to Patrick?

I assume you did this out of advanced senility?

He wanted the pan, I gave him the pan.

Look, those chicken dinners

are some of my favorite childhood memories.

That and the time you were in the hospital

with the lung scare.

What do you want?

I want you to get the pan back from Patrick,

and then die-- sorry.

I got lost in the fantasy.

Just give me the pan!

[Jimmy] I owed it to him.

He's the one who fixed my porch.

[Frank] Oh...

Well, I hope, like your lung, it collapses.

Okay. I'll see you for an hour at Christmas.

♪

Luckily, I had another run after the crash,

and I got a personal best.

Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah. It's classic.

It is classic.

Okay, why do you keep checking your watch?

You just got here.

Relax. I'm here. I'm present.

There's nowhere I'd rather be for the next 47 minutes.

You promised us an hour and a half.

Frank's rollin' solo in the kitchen.

I gotta go help the big dog get out of his shell.

All right.

Will you excuse me? I'm just gonna...

fix a little situation.

Hey.

Oh, sorry! These are decorative.

You can get one from the fridge.

Thanks for coming.

Hey, there he is.

Welcome to my home.

One step closer to that Truck 12 sleepover

I've always dreamed of.

I only sleep over my hunting knife.

Hey, just saying, if you overindulge,

I can pull out the air mattress for Emily.

[phone pings]

What's up, my P-Shaw dogs?

Uh, coming to you live.

Um, I'm on a human trafficking stakeout,

so I got a couple hours.

But for those of you who have been following my journey

with my dear mom's cast iron pan.

[tires squeal]

And the van pulled away...

I gotta go.

Uh, hold your family close.

Frank, if you're watching... suck it.

[Patrick laughs]

Just the man I was looking for.

I need you for a special mission.

I can't. I got my booze cruise.

Cover me while I sneak out.

Wait, you got here ten minutes ago.

Don't ruin my Irish Goodbye.

Wait, you think this party sucks?

Shut up! What do you want?

I need you to sneak into my brother's condo

under the cover of darkness, reclaim a family heirloom,

and disappear without a trace.

Fine. But now everyone's looking at us.

Hey, friend. Will you give this to Shred?

In three, two...

[Shred] Oh, boy!

Clean up on aisle Shred.

[Shred laughs] I am covered.

[Frank] Patrick's on patrol, so...

he's either asleep on a steering wheel,

or fishing his gun out of a gas station toilet.

Let's just find the pan and we're out of here.

Seems like you really don't need me here.

We're 30 minutes from anchors away.

This is a two-man job.

Check out those cabinets.

- [electricity zaps] - [Patel screams]

What the hell?

Ah... just as I suspected.

Booby trapped.

Patrick knew I was coming.

So you sacrificed me?

We're in this together.

Try that one.

Hi, Mommy.

Let's get it and go.

Imagine sharing a bunk bed with this maniac.

♪

Oh, I don't know anymore.

[Daisy] There you are!

Hey! I love your place.

Oh, snap! That's the bookshelf from your work Zoom.

Daisy, I'm so glad you could come.

So glad.

You can put your gift just on this table.

- The gift table. - Oh, yeah.

Wow.

There's not a lot of space left on that thing.

I know, we have the best friends.

Do you mind getting me something to drink?

Oh, yeah. Of course. Um...

What are you drinking? We have everything.

Oh, I'm easy. Just a piña colada.

Uh-huh. I might have to DoorDash a coconut,

but I will get them.

Okay.

What the hell? You told me no gifts.

Did I say that?

Oh, you must've heard me wrong 'cause you were too busy

staring at my eye bags.

Weak.

Just like that weak-ass country you from.

Maybe.

But at least I showed up with a thoughtful token of my love

for the happy couple.

Hustle up!

You stole from your brother, but I stole from a cop.

Relax! Running will only attract attention!

[siren whoops]

Run!

Halt!

I feel like a wayward youth!

Split up! He can't catch both of us.

[groans]

[Shred] Hey.

Is it just me, or is that bar cart

obscuring my bib of glory?

I mean, you can't even see the bloodstains.

Um, yeah.

Actually, Victoria told me that putting it there

would help with the room flow.

And she has put in her 10,000 hours of partying, so...

Huh. She just said it out of the blue like that?

Yeah, she's a very random person.

Oh, look, it's my spin friend, Sarah.

She's the one who wears the helmet to class.

Hey!

Hey. Cool party, huh?

Good people, good vibe.

Um, by any chance, did you tell Emily

that she should move this bar cart here?

Hmm? No.

I would never put this here.

It's, like, clogging up the space.

So, by the time I get another drink,

I'm, like, sober again.

Mm-hmm. That's interesting.

That's very interesting.

[phone rings]

Just take an Uber, Patel. I'm not coming back.

Oh, this isn't Patel.

He got me, Frank.

Call my lawyer! He's an estate planner

but maybe he knows someone who can help.

[Patrick] Yeah, I've got your man.

I've already read him half his Miranda rights,

which is further than I usually get.

So, next I take him downtown and I book him.

Book him? Frank, you gotta get me out of here!

Or we do a prisoner swap.

You give me the pan, I give you him.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

What? No! Negotiate!

Trade my freedom for a pan!

No deal. Patel, stay strong.

The Kingdom of Chicken awaits you for your loyalty.

I'm gonna miss my booze cruise, you bastard!

Frank!

Buddy?

[Police dispatch] All available officers.

There's a ranting man with a baseball bat

under the Fairview Bridge.

This is Officer Shaw, I am responding.

Uh, you're gonna have some company back there,

so hide your privates.

- What? - [siren whoops]

♪

Shred. I need access to your wall safe.

It's a one-bedroom apartment. I don't have a wall safe.

Damn it, man! I'm being chased by a lunatic cop.

You met him.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Usually, this would be a Patel question,

but he's been in the bathroom for a while now.

Ooh! This could work.

I'm getting a weird vibe from Emily.

Almost like I'm crashing my own party.

Do you think I should confront it head on

and say something to her?

Or would that just make it worse?

I need you to be quiet.

Okay. Yeah. You're right.

I don't need to bring this up right now.

It's a good call. You're very wise, Frank.

Oh, now I'm just a casual tennis lover looking for

a midnight pickup match.

[Emily] Okay, time for presents!

Ooh, come on, guys.

Patel, we're doing presents!

Start with that one in the middle.

Ooh! Okay, great.

[Emily gasps]

Oh!

[crowd awws]

[Emily] That's so sweet.

Oh, my gosh.

Thank you so much, Daisy.

What? Wait, sorry. What?

Of course.

And I have a little story that goes with it,

but I'll tell it to you later.

No, no, no! Share it now. Share it right now.

Hold on.

- Well, my grandmother died. - [group awws]

But before she did, she taught me how to knit.

And even when she lost her ability to speak,

we communicated through yarn.

[crowd awes]

[Victoria blows raspberry]

That's obviously a load of B.S.

Victoria, please, she's talking about her late grandmother.

Just let her finish.

It's okay. I'm done.

Daisy, that story and this gift are so beautiful.

[gasps] You poor thing. Come here.

[Daisy] Okay.

What the hell is this crap?

[banging on door]

Seattle P.D. Department!

Don't be alarmed.

Make a hole.

I'm hunting a petty thief.

He looks like an ugly, stretched out version of me.

Sorry, Frank. He broke me.

You've been broken for years.

Surrender the pan or you're under arrest.

I have no idea where it is.

Not a clue.

Whoa, whoa, you can't just storm in here

and upset my party.

Your party? Wow!

Here I was thinking it was our party.

No, yeah, of course. Our party!

No, not of course.

Everything that's me is being obstructed by bar carts.

Okay, Shred. This is really not the time right now.

Oh, like your bowls are so charming to look at?

Teams of artists designed chip bags.

It's a good career. Or at least it used to be.

I'm sorry, did you get that bag out of the trash can?

Oh, yeah. Didn't even rinse it off.

[Emily gasps] Don't you-- don't you do that.

Don't you think about-- [gasps]

[crowd gasps]

Dig in, everyone.

Who did I move in with?

[smoke alarm beeping]

Oh, my God, the lasagna!

Great, it's ruined! My famous lasagna is ruined.

Our famous lasagna is ruined.

Well, I say we call it.

- Mine-- - Hey! Stop!

- Just give it! - Stop!

- Give it to me! - Hey! That's enough!

All right, that's enough!

[Frank] You need a warrant!

Enough! Hey!

That's enough!

Thanks to you two, I missed Rishi's booze cruise.

I'm tired. I'm hungry.

And now I don't even get lasagna!

So, here's what's going to happen.

You're gonna make some of that transcendent chicken

that neither of you can stop talking about.

It is the least you can do.

Well, the least I can do is just head home and go to bed.

But...

If it helps, I'll make some of Mom's chicken.

Do you wanna help?

I'll get the stool.

Hold on. Uncuff me.

You owe me a blanket and an apology.

Oh, no. You stick your finger in the cage

and you're bound to get bit.

I bet your granny isn't even dead.

No, she is.

Oh, is she? I'm-- I am sorry about that.

Thank you. 'Cause she fought like hell.

Okay, well...

don't go thinking that this is the end of it, it's not.

I-I have, like, five retributions in my head,

and some of them are scary, even for me.

Why are you so set on being my enemy?

You're the last person at work that's still mean to me.

Hard disagree, we're all mean to you.

Not anymore.

Emily invited me to this party, and even Frank let me use

some of his bear spray when I ran out during Fleet Week.

Okay, well, it's not like you're nice to me.

You said that I have eye bags.

Grow up!

You bully me all the time.

It's just really hard to show up to work every day

when you know someone doesn't want you there.

Okay.

Four minutes. Flip.

Ah, I don't trust time. I trust my finger.

- Not there yet. - Okay, you're gonna burn it.

You always burn it!

Mom had one rule.

No fighting on chicken nights.

Exactly, so stop saying dumb stuff

that makes me wanna hit you.

There.

It's kind of amazing how she did it.

Thirty-minute salt brine.

It's not exactly earth shattering.

- Keeping us all together. - Oh.

Or at least from killing each other.

Yeah.

Do you remember that Labor Day picnic?

"Patrick Shaw, we do not play duck-duck-goose with knives."

A running tackle.

Very impressive for a mother of five.

And still had time to pack little notes in our lunch boxes.

Those notes got me through a very delayed puberty.

Sometimes she would just draw hearts,

and I told people it was from my girlfriend in Oregon.

She was the best.

Ah, screw it.

I'm done quarreling. You take the pan.

Thanks.

Mama's boy.

- Oww! - Oh, shoot!

- You got oil on your shirt. - Don't--

My gun's loaded, Frank. Accidents happen.

- Wow. - Yeah.

You know, we could move the bar cart.

Yeah, Victoria really steered you wrong there, didn't she?

Okay, I'm sorry for hiding the bib.

But honestly, the splatter of nose blood is a really nice

pop of color.

And you hate the bib.

Yeah, I hate it, but...

I should've just told you that, and I just...

Well, I think I'm used to having things, like,

exactly how I like them.

And I'm not used to living with someone.

Well, there's always an adjustment period.

Is there? I wouldn't know. I mean, you're technically

the first guy I've ever lived with.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, I've had serious relationships.

I just always kept my own place.

Aww. I'm honored.

Oh.

You know, moving in, there's always a learning curve.

Like Camila, she was so messy.

And she hated bras.

So, when she got home, shirt off, bra off.

Sometimes pants off. Clothes everywhere.

- Okay, you can stop. - Okay.

The point is, there's roommate issues

and there's relationship issues.

And I think tonight we just had a roommate issue.

Oh. Okay.

Good.

Well, you'll just have to be patient with me

as I adjust to having my first ever roommate.

Okay, so I will wait till tomorrow to tell you

I don't think we need to iron our sheets.

Aw, but we do, babe.

But why?

So, I'm scrambling through an unlocked patio door

into a stranger's mudroom, police sirens to my left,

growling dogs to my right.

I've got nowhere to go.

Why is everyone so quiet?

Because we're listening to you.

Yeah, this story's insane, dude.

- My story? - Yes!

About me? [laughs] Holy crap.

I finally got a great story.

I didn't even get to the part where the bridge maniac

tried to bite me.

- What? - [Frank] All right, everyone.

Here we go.

- [Emily] I'm starving. - Looks good.

All right, guys.

As we say in the Shaw family,

shut up and eat, you jackasses.

[Victoria] Love it.

- [Victoria] Lovely. - Come on now.

Ooh! Um... a toast.

To Emily and Shred

and everybody else who was brave enough to remain at this party

that could not have gone more wrong.

Uh...

And Daisy is here, too.

Um... [clears throat]

I just wanted to apologize...

to you for continuing to be mean to you long after

everybody else was.

Um...

it's very nice to have you at this non-work event.

[Emily] Aww, thanks, V.

It's almost as good as a real present.

Um, I was gonna say a little speech,

but Shred, I think you should do the honors.

Rub a dub dub, let's eat some grub.

[all] Hey!

[Frank] All right.

I don't believe that we've been introduced.

You couldn't handle me.

You might be surprised.

Come down to the police station and watch me climb a rope.

Nope! You two do not get to talk.

Oh, now I see why they call you Seattle's finest.

Ugh. I lost my appetite.

All right, Shaw boys.

It took a little elbow grease, but I finally got all the gunk

off Mama's pan.

- No! - Ahh!

- What did you do? - You ruined the seasoning!

Did I mess up? I used an extra powerful cleaner.

It ate through, like, three dish gloves.

I mean, you can re-season it.

Build the flavor up.

Should only take 40, maybe 50 years.

I'd better start right away.

You killed my already dead mother.

The old switcheroo.

Good job, Shred.

You earned this.

Best party ever.

Unh! Yes!