Original subtitles

Are you swallowing them whole?

You're eating them so fast,

are they even touching your tongue?

Yes.

- Why aren't you having any, Angela?

Oh,

I ate so many already when no one was looking.

(chuckles) Yeah, right.

My baby's dieting.

She wants to fit into a special, child-sized wedding gown

for our big day.

And why do those exist?

It's from my pageant days,

I was Miss Tiny Mid-Atlantic Bride, when I was 10.

Brownies, is it?

Hm.

Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat.

No, thank you. I'll stick with my jerky.

So why'd you come in here?

To socialize and inform.

Ooh, brownies.

I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them,

at my leisure later on, much healthier.

You're taking two.

- Yeah. But one of them is for Toby.

- Yeah. Why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica?

- I'm just gonna hand it to him, right now.

Okay, weirdo.

Why's that? Why is that weird?

- She said she was gonna give it to him right now.

- (laughs) She's probably going to,

because they sit next to each other.

Yeah. They used to.

Toby works here again.

Oh, can you imagine?

- Oh no. - Oh.

You don't know.

I don't know.

What?

- You should probably just meander back there.

Take a look.

See if he's, see if he's back.

Dare I? (laughs)

You know what? I'm going to, for old time sake.

Great practical joke, Jim.

Got me go to the annex.

- [Toby] Hi, Mich-

No, God!

No, God! Please, no!

No.

No.

No!

(bright upbeat music)

I blame the two of you.

This is your fault.

- Michael, Dwight and I were talking about this

and we both don't understand

how you didn't realize Toby was back.

I'm back.

- I'm concerned. You may have brain damage.

- You cannot expect me to keep track of all of my personnel.

There are a lot of people here

and a lot of different shapes and sizes.

And there is nothing

that is even vaguely interesting

about the way that he looks.

So, I'm off the hook.

- Maybe you cleaned your ears too vigorously With Q-tips.

I know where this is going.

- You could hurt the temporal lobe,

- I am not going to stop - Which is in charge of all

- putting Q-tips in my ears. - Processing and recognition.

- I don't care how much it hurts.

Maybe I just blocked Toby from my mind.

Oh, interesting. Continue.

Like, when somebody's attacked

and then they can't remember it

until years later.

Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Maybe it's Stockholm Syndrome.

Maybe it's China Syndrome.

- Could be any one of them. It's a messed up world.

It is a messed up world.

But it's our messed up world.

No, no, no. I have the key.

I just wanted to make sure

that everything was clear for tonight.

Oh, good.

Okay. Bye.

Today's a big day.

Today is the day that I show Pam

the house that I bought for us,

without telling her.

But it's my parents' house,

the house I grew up in.

And yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively.

I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my mom.

It's got shag carpets.

I mean, you can't blame my parents,

it was the seventies.

And why would you wanna buy ugly wood from trees,

when you can have paneling

and a painting of some creepy clowns

that is apparently crucial

to the structural integrity of the building.

She's gonna love it.

Right?

Look at him.

With his stupid face.

Stupid.

Tan.

Yeah, he looks great.

- No. - Well rested.

He looks worse.

(phone ringing)

[Michael] Yeah.

- David Wallace is on the line for you.

[Michael] Thank God. David.

Hello? We need your help.

- [David] Michael, is everyone okay?

Oh, well I'm afraid not.

Toby Flenderson of HR has made a sudden re-appearance.

- [David] I don't understand. Is anyone hurt?

Not on the surface, no.

But I can tell people are disturbed, David.

- [David] Michael, you texted me "9-1-1. Call me."

- Yes. - All in caps.

Do you know what 9-1-1 means?

- I learned a while back that if I don't text 9-1-1,

people will not return my calls.

But now people always return my calls

because they think that something horrible has happened.

And imagine how happy they are when they find out

that I just called to say,

"What's up wit' you?"

[David] Toby was hired back

because he knows the branch,

he was available and I like him.

Okay? And that's that.

With all due respect, David,

this hardly seems like a dialogue.

- [David] That's because it isn't, Michael.

Okay.

Now, what I'm curious about

is how you were able to go an entire week

without knowing a member of your staff was there.

- I did not want to go back to the annex

because that is where Holly worked, whom I loved.

Also it's icky back there.

- That's true. People say it's icky.

[David] Okay.

I have to go.

David, wait.

[David] Nope.

- Is there no way we can get rid of him?

- [David] Not without cause, Michael.

I have cause.

It is because I hate him.

- [David] You have to get along with Toby.

No.

[David] Yep.

I don't.

[David] Goodbye, Michael.

Don't do that.

Oh, come on.

Do you see this?

Disgusting.

So, Tunes,

you still gonna buy your old man's place?

Yeah, I am.

Wait, how do you know that? I didn't tell you that.

Uh.

No, I was just walking by your desk. I saw some emails.

I got the peepers of an eagle.

That's really not cool.

- So, Jim. (Andy caws)

- You're gonna live in the same house

that you used to pee the bed in?

- Yeah, I guess, technically Kev.

You're right.

Oh, man.

Jim just admitted that he peed the bed.

You got me.

Could you guys all do me a favor

and just not talk about this until I tell Pam.

- That'd be great. - What?

You haven't told the misses about the castle?

You're in for a spanking, my friend.

Myself and my lady, no secrets.

Oh, Jim, don't listen to Andy.

I think it's so romantic.

Well, thanks Phyllis.

- Bob bought our house without consulting me and I loved it.

- Yeah. You didn't mind not choosing?

Oh no, not at all.

But Bob's so extravagant, I knew it would be spectacular.

Ah.

- There's a maze in the back, like "The Shining."

Where's your place?

- Oh, it's on Linden Ave, by the quarry.

Oh.

Cool beans, man.

I live by the quarry.

We should hang out by the quarry

and throw things down there.

Definitely, we should.

- I couldn't afford the place I grew up in,

it's too expensive.

The Chateau Bernard.

You grew up in France?

- No, West Hartford, but it's a really big house.

We were rich, if I really think about it.

Cool.

- To whoever made the microwave mess.

The microwave is a shared kitchen appliance.

By not cleaning it up,

you are basically telling whoever follows

that their time is less valuable

as they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter.

Sincerely, disappointed.

Well, that is just obnoxious.

[Oscar] No kidding.

Yeah.

Wait, what?

The mess or the note?

- The note. So holier-than-thou.

Hmm.

I liked it.

- Don't you think the person who left the mess

is the obnoxious one?

No.

The note is way more obnoxious than the mess.

Sincerely, disappointed.

Get off your high horse, Richie.

- Just because someone likes things clean

doesn't mean they're rich.

Eh.

They're rich.

Everyone keeps asking me

if I wrote the note on their microwave.

It was rude and condescending and a little snotty.

I wish I had written it.

Yeah. I wrote the note.

I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not proud of it.

It is what it is.

- You wanna see some real high caliber acting?

Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served.

Hey, Toby.

Great to have you back, man.

Seriously.

Just a real pleasure to see you again.

Well, thanks Michael.

You're welcome. Missed you.

Missed you as part of our family.

Wow.

That's sweet.

I missed you guys, too.

(Michael sips coffee)

So, Costa Rica, that was.

Did you have fun?

That must have been fun.

Well, it was amazing.

It really was. Thanks for asking.

Beaches were pristine.

- Nice beaches, pristine beaches.

Yeah.

The whole thing was incredibly cathartic.

- Why'd you come back? Why didn't you stay?

- Well, it's actually kind of hard to meet people.

I bet

for you.

And yeah, plus it was hot.

- Hot. Why didn't you get an air conditioner?

Should have got an air conditioner for yourself.

Are you all right, Michael?

(scoffs) I am. I am.

I tried. I tried.

I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend,

but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.

I feel like I'm dying inside.

I feel like Neve Campbell in "Scream 2."

She thinks she can go off to college and be happy.

And then the murderer comes back,

starts killing off all of her friends.

Learned a lot of lessons from that movie.

This is just one of 'em.

- Hey, anonymous coward who left the note,

be a man.

Spend less time writing notes

and more time cleaning up the microwave.

The nerve.

Okay. Just summarize.

Okay.

Fireable offenses include

workplace violence and sexual harassment.

That's it. That's it.

Perfect.

We will get him to hit on somebody

and then we'll catch him in the act.

- I love catching people in the act.

[Michael] Mm.

- That's why I always whip open doors.

Me too.

Okay. Let's get this started.

Okay.

[Michael] What are you doing?

I am the bait.

[Michael] For what?

Men find me desirable.

- No, no, no. - Oh. It's a good day, too.

I'm wearing my mustard shirt.

You're the bait for Toby?

- Mm-hmm.

- No, for one thing he's not gay.

And if somebody were to be bait,

it would be Jim or Ryan.

Or me.

Men find me desirable.

Yes.

Sure they do, Dwight.

- When it comes down to it, it's a health issue.

I should have written that.

- Mm-hm.

Yeah.

- Why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me?

Oh, totally.

Sorry. Were you talking about the microwave still?

Are you inching away from me?

No.

Reach your arms out.

(Jim snickers)

I'm always this close.

* Pam town lady, sing this song *

* Do-Da, Do-Da *

Hello, Pam.

Jim, may I have a moment

with Pam please? (cell phone ringing)

Yes.

I just have to take this call anyway, so.

Oh. Ooh, his mistress.

No, I'm kidding.

No one would ever cheat on you.

You're the complete package, Pam.

What do you need, Michael?

Okay.

What I would like you to do is take this folded note

and deliver it to Toby Flenderson.

I want you to just react to whatever this note elicits.

Do not read it beforehand.

Can you do that for me?

- Sure. - Good.

No, no, no, no. Don't.

- Please hug and kiss me no matter how hard I struggle.

I'm too shy to tell you that I love you.

- Damn it, Pam. You gave me your word.

- You like that, baby? - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, you do? - Mm-hmm.

- Hey, guys. That's really inappropriate.

What's up?

- I got some photos from Costa Rica, if you wanna see them.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'll see 'em.

Toby. Can I see those?

Oh, what's the matter?

What's the matter? You scared?

- Oh, those are fighting words. - You mad? You mad at me?

- I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit you.

- Do you wanna do that? Do you want to hit me?

You wanna punch me?

- Hm? Huh? He might do it. - Punch him, Toby!

I dare you to. Come on.

- Whap. - What's the matter?

- Hit him. - Aw.

- Hit him, chicken. - Yeah. Punch him.

Hey. Hey.

Come on, Ryan. Whose side are you on?

[Dwight] Come on, man.

No, do it. Do it. I dare ya.

- Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face.

- Not as hard as you can. Just a good, solid punch.

Come on, come on.

- I'm not gonna punch you, Michael.

- Are you really not gonna punch him?

- No. Why I would punch you? - Oh, son of a bitch.

Shoulda hit him, man.

Guy's asking for it.

Once in a lifetime, man.

- Hey, whoever was bashing the first note, grow up.

The microwave is filthy and no one here is a maid.

See? Someone around here is sane.

You are all a bunch of idiots and privileged asswipes

who weren't raised right.

If I find you, I'm gonna knock your teeth out.

Yikes. It's a little over the top.

But their heart's in the right place.

- I thought you were gonna parcel those out through the day.

Could you stop it?

You haven't done anything helpful all day.

- There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired.

What's that?

Frame him for using drugs.

- Frame him? - Yeah.

It's illegal but

everything they do in "The Shield" is illegal.

- I've never framed a man before. Have you?

- Oh, I've framed animals before.

I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present.

And I framed a bear for eating outta the garbage.

Just seems awfully mean.

But sometimes the ends justify the mean.

It's like, when you're supposed to kill baby Hitler.

Oh, not me.

Why not?

If we had killed baby Hitler,

my grandparents never would've met.

- It's tricky. - Mm.

You wanna fight?

Fight you.

I'll punch you, punch you.

I'll punch you, Michael.

Punch you, Michael.

Hello.

(Snap-n-Pops popping)

I've seen you guys

around.

I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. How you doing?

(casually sighs) So, I guess you know why I'm here.

- We didn't piss in your mailbox. We didn't do it.

- That's, I don't care about that.

I need to purchase something.

Like a fridge?

No.

I wanted,

I wanted to buy some weed.

- Some- - What?

Grass weed.

- What makes you think we'd have weed?

- Kind of a stereotype, don't you think?

Meant no offense.

I'm sure you're very outstanding young men.

I just had heard that you were drug dealers and-

What?

- I heard you were drug, I heard you dealt.

Hey, just hold on, one second.

I'm not wearing a wire. So.

Why would you even say that?

Hey, hey. This'll be $500?

How much?

$500. It's a good price.

It's a steal.

- [Michael] How many pounds is that?

It's two pounds.

I'm losing money on this, man.

Just give me the money.

All right, walk away.

Walk away, walk away.

Ah-ha

- Hey Pam, I just wanted to let you know,

I'm totally on your side with the whole microwave situation.

Thank you.

- I was just back there to make some Cup-a-Soup.

The thing is still huge mess.

I know. Can you believe it?

Yeah, it's crazy.

But I guess the thing is, at some point, notes or no notes,

someone's gonna have to just get in there and clean it up.

- I guess, that's why we have a temp, huh?

(laughs) Oh, no. Trust me.

I would just make it worse.

- How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse?

I would find a way. (laughs)

- You've seen things cleaned before though. Right?

- I, Pam, I'm hopeless at that stuff.

I, I, uh.

- I think it's really cool that you wanted to see my photos.

- What's this pink thing on that white oval?

- That's me. I was Boogie-Boarding. I gave it a try.

Who took this picture?

Did you make some friends?

- I hired a local kid to snap it.

If you ever wanna come over,

I got a new blanket in my TV room.

Stole it off a plane.

Sunsets.

- Mm, that looks beautiful. - Unbelievable.

No. No.

- Mm-hmm. Tell me about this monkey.

(sighs) Uh.

- Hi, Michael. - Hey, hey.

Hey. Hey.

I forgot.

Forgot.

Yes.

I repeat a drug dealer is on the premises of Dunder Mifflin.

His name is Toby Flenderson

and he recently returned from a mysterious vacation

in Central America.

I have risked a great deal to tell you this information.

My name is Andy Bernard.

Andrew Bernard, that's my name.

Oh, okay.

I'm not, I am not as liberty to talk about it.

Let's just say

that I

somethinged something in somebody's something.

And if discovered, then someone will get somethinged.

I may have said too much.

(keyboards clicking)

Andy, isn't that your phone?

- Yes. - Huh?

As a matter of fact, it is.

Wonder what it's doing over there?

I have no idea.

What is my perfect crime?

I break into Tiffany's at midnight.

Do I go for the vault?

No, I go for the chandelier.

It's priceless.

As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me.

She tells me to stop.

It's her father's business. She's Tiffany.

I say, "No."

We make love all night.

In the morning, the cops come

and I escape in one of their uniforms.

I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada.

I don't trust her.

Besides I like the cold.

30 years later, I get a postcard.

I have a son and he's the chief of police.

This is where the story gets interesting.

I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero.

She's been waiting for me all these years,

she's never taken another lover.

I don't care. I don't show up.

I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Pervert.

Angela, I didn't do that.

- So, is this what they taught you at your fancy art school?

Everyone.

I have an announcement to make.

I'm the person who put the first note on the microwave.

But I did it because it needed to be said.

- Why did you hide behind anonymity?

Because I was scared.

But if that's my only crime,

is it a worst crime than leaving a filthy microwave?

Amen.

Don't. This is for real.

- Just clean it up yourself, if it bothers you so much.

It's not my mess.

- It would've taken less time to clean it up

than to write all those notes.

That's not the point.

- Listen, New York, that might fly-

- Why? Because I went to New York for three months?

- That and the black sweater, Manhattan.

Okay. Yes.

I went to New York, everybody.

I'm not gonna apologize for it.

I experienced more there in one week

than I experience here in three months.

I love New York.

You know, I especially loved that people there

cleaned up after themselves.

- Well, I work too hard all day to be the maid here too.

I got a mess to clean up at home plus I'm a part-time maid.

And what about the penises?

I thought those were funny.

I didn't do 'em, Phyllis.

- Well, it's the anonymity that I find so cowardly, Pam.

- Really? Can you just get over that part?

- Why should I? You couldn't get over the messy microwave.

Wha?

I can't do this.

Can't do what?

It's not fair to you.

And it's really not fair to me.

Wait, what are you saying?

I broke up with Darrell so I could be with you.

- That was your choice. Don't put that on me.

I'm just going on a little trip.

Oh, can I come?

It's not that kind of trip.

I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school.

Well, a high school.

And if I don't do it now, I'll never get to go.

And I'll always resent you for it.

You don't want me to resent you, do you?

So, you're dumping me.

Let's be adults about this.

Let's have sex one more time.

And if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing.

Okay.

Hi, we received a call.

- I don't know anything about that.

- We were tipped off about a possible narcotic situation.

Here?

Hey. Pam.

Hey, I got this. Okay?

Hello, officers.

Dwight Shrute, former volunteer Sheriff's Deputy.

Listen, I may have inside information

that someone is hiding drugs in this very office.

- Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.

- Those are real cops, real guns.

I wonder what's going on.

- Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator.

Hey, what is this?

Search his things.

- Sir, can you step away from your desk please?

Why?

- Sir, please step away from your desk.

Hey, what's going on?

You don't have my permission to do this.

- They don't need your permission, Flenderson.

They've got the company's permission.

Hey. Hey, what are you?

Why are you doing this?

You know what?

I think, this is probably a misunderstanding.

- Don't search my stuff. - Sir.

- I have a reasonable right to privacy.

- Save your whining for the jury there, Flenderson.

Yeah, let's cancel this. Okay?

Sir, did you recently return

from a trip to Central America?

- Oh my God. I went to Costa Rica for a few months.

[Michael] That was legitimate.

That was totally legitimate.

Oh, really?

[Michael] Oh, God.

- That is not mine. I've never seen that before.

No, no, no, no.

- No, no, come on. - What is going on here?

- No, that's, I don't know what that is.

- Do you have any weapons? - Of course, not.

- I bet he has nothing to do with that.

Ah. That's mine.

No, Michael. No.

Yes. It's mine.

- Some basil and salad dressing, I think.

Salad dressing?

Yeah. It's a Caprese salad.

It's a little bit of a mozzarella right there.

Are you kidding me?

It's my salad.

- So wait a minute. There's no drugs.

[Officer] No.

Oh, damn it. Come on.

We got a fake tip.

Wait, officers,

are you sure you don't wanna interrogate him?

[Officer] No.

- You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation.

Why don't you use them?

- You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.

- I didn't put Caprese salad in my drawer, Michael.

Did you?

- Since when is it illegal to put Caprese salad anywhere?

- You know, but the police could have been out there,

you know, catching real criminals instead of here,

searching my stuff.

- Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

That's what you're worried about.

You're worried about the cop's time?

You think I framed you

and you're worried about the taxpayer?

God.

Welcome back. Jerky jerk face.

- Hey, do you mind if we make a stop, on the way home?

Sure.

Cool.

(birds chirping)

- What are we doing at your parents' house?

I have a surprise for you.

All right. Ready?

Close your eyes.

And now,

open your eyes.

Ta-da.

I don't get it.

I bought it.

It's ours.

Let's go inside. I'll show you inside.

So, if you can believe it, I did it without a realtor.

So, saving on closing costs is good.

And we can put all the money to de-shag the carpet,

which I think will help the color situation.

Yeah, I am really sorry about this.

I tried to move it, but he is really nailed in there.

Worried about art theft, I guess.

A lot of art thieves in this neighborhood.

This is the master bedroom,

but actually not allowed in here, so.

And of course, you remember the fountains.

Where the birds come to die.

That was only the two birds

and one was dead before it hit the fountain, so.

Oh, let me show you one other thing.

So, I'm still in the process of converting the garage.

It's got great light in here.

I was thinking,

could be perfect

for an art studio.

Look,

I know.

I bought this without asking you and

it doesn't look great.

I know that.

And if you really hate it, I totally understand.

It's just-

I love it.

You do?

Yeah.

I love it.

Really?

I mean, you bought me a house.

Oh, my God.

You bought me a house.

Yeah. I did.

- Do we have to sleep in your parents' bedroom?

No.

No, we'll just board that up.

It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about.

And the clown?

Yeah. I really can't move him.

You said you were leaving

and you made liars out of all of us.

I did leave.

Yes, you did.

And then you came back,

which makes you the biggest liar

- of history. - I don't see it that way.

You wanna hear a lie?

What?

I think you're great.

You're my best friend.

- Doesn't count when you say it's a lie.

(bright upbeat music)