Original subtitles

[Luann] There are two types of people in this modern world of ours.

The admirable hardworking movers and shakers,

and the poor.

How I pity them.

They don't have that killer instinct.

The unmoneyed lack initiative, discipline.

They just aren't shrewd.

The poor are content to file our toenails and bleach our mustaches

because they are too lazy to reach for a better life.

Ambition is the sole province of the rich.

Oh, hogwash. Take my son Seymour, the bum.

Majored in nepotism at Ditherton College.

All set to take over the family prune canning business.

And where is he now?

Living off his trust on the coast of Italy like some pope.

Ugh, Italians are so European.

[sighs] I'd give a suitcase full of simoleons to anyone

who could bring that pampered popinjay back home.

[cashier] Can I box that up for you, Miss Van Houten?

It's "Mrs." And no. I'll wear it out.

Darling, bring me one of these in polar bear.

[gasps] Mrs. Skinner, as I live and breathe.

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

Marjorie Bouvier.

I'm an old friend of Seymour's.

We met at your charity ball for…

Oh, what was it?

The Policemen's Malevolent Association.

Yes, police violence is such an important cause.

How is dear Seymour?

Ironing out the wrinkles at the prune cannery?

[sighs]

I raised my little boy to be a henpecked business wuss,

but look at him now.

[Marge] No socks?

Seymour has changed.

He says he's trying to be an artist if you can believe it.

I was just summering in Italy. If I'd known, I would have looked him up.

Marjorie, this is probably too much to ask,

but what if I sent you

to Italy to find my wayward son and convince him to come home?

All expenses paid of course.

Oh, my.

What an unexpected offer.

I'm desperate, dearie. What do you say?

[♪ guitar playing]

Seymour Skinner?

What are you doing on a beach in Bella Truffa?

Hmm? I'd ask you the same if I had the slightest clue who you are.

Marge Bouvier.

We met at Ditherton. We were in the same econ class.

I never took econ.

Maybe I'm thinking of statistics with Professor…

Needlemeyer.

Yes, I was a few rows behind you.

I didn't take him. I had Gopnik.

We had Gopnik, of course.

As a private tutor.

Um, me too. I had him right after you.

Oh, of course.

But Ditherton's a men's college.

Yes. Which is why I dressed up as a man in order to attend.

To prove a point to the sexist dean.

Ah, that explains it. Nice to meet you again.

Pull up some sand.

Looks like I've made another American friend.

Another?

Seymour, did you see me do a handstand? Did you see? D… Who's this?

Marge Bouvier, meet Homer Simpsley.

Another well-to-do friend I made in Napoli.

He's become my travel companion, food taster and, uh, temporary house guest,

Permanent roommate.

Come up to the house and have some wine with us. You simply must.

Uh, no, she mustn't.

I'd love to.

[♪ bossa nova playing]

Great Gatsby! You live like this?

But you don't even have a job.

I mean, uh, nice place.

Eh, it'll do.

Now, let me take you to my studio.

You're, uh, quite the prodigious painter.

Yes, and Homer's quite the muse.

The prominent curves.

The shadowy folds.

And he can hold absolutely still for hours.

Oh, my.

How bold of you to paint him in the nude.

Actually, um, he insisted.

[Homer] Painting time!

Ugh. She's still here?

[Marge] Dear Mrs. Skinner.

Good news. I found Seymour.

Now, the hard work of convincing him to come home can begin.

I start most days on his beloved boat, which he named in your honor.

Then grab a light lunch at a cafe.

Some days Seymour takes us on a day trip to see a Caravaggio in all its glory.

Your son's even taken on a young pupil. Hoping to pass on his talent.

Although Seymour lives quite the dolce vita here,

I'm sure I can get him back to America in no time.

-A toast to never going back to America. -[waves crashing]

Time for a refill.

Seymour said you came from money.

Remind me what does your family do again?

Uh, my wealthy family owns a lucrative skull factory.

Can't get ahead without a Simpsley skull.

Hey, that's a pretty good lie.

No, it wasn't.

You're not rich.

You're just a low-class mooch.

[scoffs] At least there's honor in mooching.

You're nothing but a two-tit con man.

[in Italian] Mr. Homer, your fat is jiggling!

[in English] As soon as Skinner sees you for what you are,

he's gonna toss you out like yesterday's meatballs,

but I'm not going anywhere.

I'm his muse.

Hmm.

[♪ dramatic music plays]

[gasps] Holy cannoli.

Marge, you're an absolute vision.

The light, the hair, the discernible waistline.

I must commit you to canvas.

[grunts]

Hey. I was musing there.

Um, why don't you go eat, Homer?

There's still some of yesterday's meatballs.

-[♪ dramatic music continues] -[Marge] Mm-mmm.

[grunting]

[♪ Italian music playing]

The mushrooms were super, Mario.

[in Italian] My name is Wario, idiot! Wah!

[in English] Seymour, darling, now that we're living together,

I think it's time Homer moved out.

Mmm. He has been acting a bit queer to use the parlance of our time.

Plus, all those broken Vespas are really a drain on your trust fund.

-[bike rattles] -[metal clanks]

It happened again.

Here's your laundry, Skinner.

What's for lunch? Oh, and don't say Italian.

We ate.

Go put Seymour's clothes away.

We're gonna go lie on the beach that stinks of fish.

[grunts] Stupid Marge.

Before she showed up, things around here were a lot more gay

to use the parlance of our time.

Ooh, when did he get this?

[imitating Skinner] "Uh, do you like it, Homer?

Marge finds it garish."

[normal, scoffs] Her face is garish.

[imitating Skinner, chuckles] "You're incorrigible.

Hmm. You know, I've been thinking of ending things with her."

[normal] Really? Why?

[imitating Skinner] "Well, I have my eye on someone else.

Someone more full figured."

[normal] What? [imitating Skinner, shushes] "Just go with it."

[moaning]

[moaning, grunting] "Oh, yes, Homer." Oh, Skinner.

What the hell's going on here?

[screams] Seymour, it's not what you think!

I mean nothing to me!

-Take my clothes off this instant. -Oh!

Then get out of my villa.

Aw!

But-But we're best friends.

I only tolerated your zaftig buffoonery because you were easy to paint.

You're just one circle on top of another. Any idiot could draw you.

[grunts]

Marge was right.

You're dumb as an ox, unbelievably fat and charmlessly clingy.

You're the most repulsive person I've ever met.

Guess we can add clumsy to the list too.

Whoa. [yelling]

[groaning]

[clock chimes, cuckoos]

[gasps]

No, no, no, no, no. Seymour, please.

Dear God.

[gasps] I didn't do this. He slapsticked himself to death.

[Homer sobs]

[sighs] Looks like our meal ticket just got a big hole punched into it.

Is that all you can think about, you greedy shrew? You never loved him!

[sobs] I call dibs on his room.

Don't you get it? We're out on our ass.

[groans] I guess it's back to filing down corns and forging checks for me.

Unless I was to fake Seymour's signature on his monthly trust checks.

But you can't pass for Skinner.

You're a… [gags] …woman.

I can't, but you can.

[gasps] I'd be the Seymour?

Then we wouldn't be mooching off the rich anymore.

-We'd be one of them. -One of them.

[groans] What's that now?

Hmm.

It'd be a shame to waste a clever plan.

Oh, yeah.

We'd kick ourselves later if we didn't at least try.

[muffled straining]

[both grunt]

This little scheme of ours only works if we stick together.

For better or for worse.

What are you proposing?

[gasps] What? Are you proposing?

[laughs]

[both grunt]

[Skinner] Dearest Mother, forgive my delayed correspondence,

but the most wonderful thing has happened to me.

I've fallen deeply, swiftly and profoundly in love.

And I've gotten married.

The priest said he never saw a couple so smitten with each other.

We're packing only the essentials as we leave on our honeymoon.

I'll let you know where we land.

Love, Seymour.

P.S., I am alive.

[train whistle blows]

Our first stop in Rome will be the bank, signor Skinner.

But I don't look anything like him.

You do now.

Ooh, baby. [kisses]

[imitating Skinner] Uh, I'd like to take some money out of my trust.

My name is Seymour Skinner.

Account number and passport please.

Hmm. Eh. Close enough.

Sign here, Mr. Skinner.

I love your jacket.

Is the back the same color as the front?

Sì, sì. I will show you. Hmm.

Hmm. I get your money.

[♪ Italian music playing]

More bubbly for my co-conspirator?

You know, that suit makes you look like a movie star.

Like Fatty Arbuckle or that Italian actor Lardo Disgusto.

Oh, well, this toupee is kinda itchy though.

No, no, no. Leave it on, Seymour.

[laughs] Yeah.

Call me that again.

Didn't it feel good to get away with something, Seymour?

[kisses] And we did it together, Seymour.

Oh, baby.

[kissing] Oh. Oh, Seymour.

Just like that, Seymour.

Wait, wait. Can I call you Seymour too?

-Um, sure. -Okay.

-Oh, Seymour. Devour me, Seymour -Oh, Seymour. Yes.

Oh, you boring, boring man.

-Oh, Seymour, your kisses! -Oh, speak to me in your monotone voice.

[both moaning]

[moaning continues, muffled]

[Homer, muffled] Oh, yes, Seymour. Oh, I love you, Seymour.

-[Marge] Yes, Seymour! Yes, yes, yes! -[Homer moaning]

[both] Oh, Seymour!

[sighs] I love these little coffees.

Each one tinier than the last.

[spits loudly]

Look.

"Locals speculate that due to the corpse's bloated state, bald head and awful smell,

it is likely to be the body of sexually ambiguous mooch Homer Simpsley."

What? I don't look like a corpse.

I guess I kinda see it.

If they think you're dead, that means they also think Skinner's still alive.

We totally got away with it.

[in Italian] That's him, officer.

So, this Homer Simpsley lived with you for a time.

Is that correct, Mr. Skinner?

Uh, you talking to me? 'Cause my name is--

Yes, yes! Homer lived with us. Lived off of us, I should say.

He was a real… What's the Italian word?

Uh, "moocharello."

Exactly.

This Simpsley character was nothing but a leech, a sponge, a shiftless freeloader.

Too stupid to make it in this world.

If you ask me, Homer was so torn up about Seymour cutting him off

that he likely jumped off a cliff into the ocean.

Well, it sounds like an open-and-a-shut case of fatso "suicidio."

And good riddance, right, Mr. Skinner?

May Homer Simpsley rot in hell.

"Dumb, ugly, lazy."

How would you like it if someone described you so accurately?

I got that goombah gumshoe off our case, didn't I?

It'll be smooth sailing from here on out. No more surprises.

-[knock on door] -[person] Surprise, Seymour.

It's your best buddy Gary Chalmers. I heard you were in Rome.

Come on. Let's go to the Sistine Chapel and pick up some broads.

Look, no one's heard from you in weeks.

I'm not leaving until I see that you are… Oh.

Simpsley?

You meaty "moocharello."

What are you doing in Skinner's apartment?

Where's Seymour?

Uh, he went to the Colosseum.

I think the lions are playing.

[grunts] Shut up.

[Marge] You must be Gary. Seymour's out.

But if you're dead set on seeing him, join us for a drink.

[Chalmers] Hmm.

[Marge] Uh-huh?

[Chalmers] So, who the devil are you?

-I'm Marge. Seymour's new wife. -[Chalmers grunts]

Cin cin.

New wife? [scoffs]

Seymour would never marry some tenement Tina like yourself.

Look at those dishpan eyes and thick Polish wrists.

[laughs] It's true.

And those cankles could hold up a wharf.

[chuckles] I'm disliking you less and less. Cheers.

So, what's going on here, Simpsley?

When did you go from primate to fashion plate?

Why, you almost look like Seymour.

[chuckles] Uh, no, he doesn't.

It's like you're almost trying to be him.

Uh, I like to think that Seymour's been rubbing off on me.

Mmm.

A toast to friends rubbing off on each other.

Hear, hear.

[gasps] Skinner's ring.

He'd die before taking that off. I'm calling the police.

But first, to finish my drink.

Geez Louise. Is killing rich guys your solution to everything?

We're gonna get caught for sure.

Shut up. I need to think.

We can fix this.

Meow.

[Bart gasps] Mamma mia.

[in Italian] Too much wine for papa, eh?

-[laughs] -[chuckling] Sì, sì.

[in English] Ay, Columbus.

[choking] Son of a… [groaning]

[in Italian] This one was bludgeoned.

This one strangled to death.

Whoever choked him really enjoyed it.

Hey, Chief. I found something.

[in English] Oh, my. When Mr. Chalmers left last night,

he said he was going to find some Sicilians and insult their mothers.

[gasps] Could that be a clue?

Mmm.

You're a very smart lady, signora Skinner.

Very clever.

But, unfortunately, you are married to a stupid, stupid man.

He's gonna confess and take you both down.

It's just a matter of time.

[shouting in Italian]

[Homer shrieks]

[Chief] It's the end of the road for you,

Mrs. Skinner, because you and your husband are free to go.

Huh? Why?

We arrested this bastardo animalé trying to sell

Mr. Chalmers's jewelry at a pawn shop.

[in Italian] But I found it in the trash!

Likely story, scumbag!

[in English] What luck. I almost confessed to everything.

The murders, the fraud, trying all those gelato flavors without ever buying any.

Mmm. You certainly looked like you were going to give us up.

Oh, I was.

But any time I was about to, I remembered that

you did whatever it took to protect us.

To protect me. I've never had that before.

I think… I think I love you.

No one's ever said that to me before.

My whole life, I've been on my own, and now I realize having

someone to scheme and scam with has been all I ever wanted.

I… I love you too.

Let's celebrate. What do you wanna do?

Why don't we rent a little boat and go out in the middle of the ocean?

[Homer] Mmm.

[motor stops]

Here's to a long, loving and luxurious life together.

[glasses clink]

Hey, I forgot to ask. What's in that really heavy bag you made me carry?

Is it a surprise for me?

[grunts, groans]

-[gasping] Marge, why? -I'm sorry, Homer.

I do love you, but you are bound to mess our good thing up.

-[grunts] -'Cause you're a terrible liar,

-and you're dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. -[grunting]

[cries]

Hmm.

[grunts] Huh?

Oh, honey. You were smart after all.

[retches, straining]

Dear Mr. Skinner, I'm writing with sad news.

Your mother has died.

She read your letter about your hasty marriage and was so incensed

that you found true love that she choked on her broth and drowned.

She leaves the entirety of her fortune to you.

The board of directors will run the family business.

Leaving you and your new spouse free to continue your life of spoiled excess.

On behalf of the firm, we wish you both a long and happy union.

[♪ Italian music playing]