Original subtitles

{1}{1}23.978 {2026}{2112}-So, what happened in Capital City?|-Oh, Barney. {2118}{2168}We're dying of curiosity. {2173}{2253}The only thing worse|than being a loser... {2259}{2362}...is being a guy telling the story|of how he became a loser. {2368}{2460}-I don't want that to happen to me.|-Please, Homer? {2465}{2495}Well, okay. {2500}{2633}It was "Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses|and No-More-Than-Three-Kids Night"... {2639}{2701}...down at Springfield Stadium. {2747}{2861}I think we lost them.|And we're at the ballpark! All right! {2865}{2961}Two birds with one stone!|Okay, everybody out! {3043}{3157}Some of the players you see|may make it to the big leagues. {3161}{3284}-Will we see washed-up major leaguers?|-Sure, there's a nice mix. {3289}{3394}There's no better place to spend|a balmy summers' night. {3399}{3496}The grass of the outfield,|the brick of the infield... {3501}{3597}...and the chalk lines that divide|the man from the boy. {3601}{3714}Lisa, you're forgetting the beer.|It comes in 72-ounce tubs. {3719}{3800}-Space out the tubs this year.|-What do you mean? {3806}{3900}Last year you got rambunctious|and mooned the umpire. {3907}{3987}Marge, this ticket|doesn't just give me a seat. {3992}{4149}It also gives me the right, no, the duty|to make a complete ass of myself. {4154}{4217}The Gammills! Good to see you. {4223}{4306}You're an inspiration to us|in Waste Management. {4311}{4425}Forget about contaminants|for one night and have a hot dog. {4430}{4529}-Put a smile on his card, Smithers.|-Already there, sir. {4549}{4645}-The Simpsons, sir.|-Well, if it isn't the Simps. {4650}{4716}Oh, the Simpsons, sir. {4732}{4801}Oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. {4806}{4902}Oh, and these must be Bart,|Lisa and Expecting. {4906}{4976}The card needs to be updated, sir. {4981}{5074}That's okay. The baby's name|isn't important. Let's go. {5080}{5164}Red Hots! Get your Red Hots here! {5265}{5364}Flash Bailor! I gotta get|his autograph. He was a star. {5369}{5428}-Will you sign my ball?|-No. {5443}{5531}Lousy, washed-up,|broken-down tub of guts! {5537}{5600}-Who does he think he is?|-What's wrong? {5605}{5686}-He won't sign my ball.|-He's a fine role model. {5692}{5753}Bart, give me that ball. {5757}{5826}Check out the mature quail|heading over. {5831}{5905}Little lady,|what can Flash do for you? {5924}{5959}Here you go, Bart. {5964}{6099}"Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, Room 26.|How about it? Flash." {6104}{6195}Wow, Flash Bailor came on to my wife! {6200}{6270}You've still got the magic, Marge. {6275}{6352}Hey, Dad, look!|You're on Jumbo-Vision! {6357}{6417}Hey, everybody! How you doing? {6421}{6532}Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! {6559}{6630}Homer. Homer! X-Y-Z. {6635}{6688}Examine my zipper? Why? {6738}{6847}-Thanks, everybody.|-Throwing out tonight's first ball... {6852}{6962}...the man whose name is synonymous|with the safest energy source: {6967}{7047}Mr. Montgomery Burns! {7075}{7133}-They love you.|-As they should. {7138}{7191}When I was a young buck... {7196}{7334}...my fade-away pitch was compared|to the trouble ball of Satchel Paige. {7338}{7446}-Spit on this for me, Smithers.|-One hawker coming up, sir. {7554}{7602}What a lame-o! {7607}{7697}-I could hear the air being torn, sir.|-Oh, shut up! {7703}{7747}Hey, Burns! Hey, rag arm! {7752}{7852}-You throw like my sister!|-Yeah, you throw like me! {7857}{7952}To honor America, please rise|for our national anthem... {7958}{8091}...sung by Springfield's R & B|sensation, "Bleeding Gums" Murphy. {9657}{9808}Dan Horde, mikeside. Our Isotopes take|on the Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. {9813}{9913}We look to snap the longest|losing streak in pro baseball. {9918}{9986}How about that?|We're in the record book! {9997}{10079}Sitting with the employees|proves I'm their friend. {10085}{10174}Get me an aisle seat.|I don't want to be surrounded. {10179}{10226}Let's go! Swing, batter! {10230}{10363}-We want a pitcher, not an itcher!|-We want a catcher, not a scratcher! {10368}{10429}-Here we are, sir.|-Oh, no! {10496}{10629}Sitting next to the boss. The best|night of the year and it's ruined. {10634}{10680}Of all the lousy, rotten.... {10685}{10778}It just means you can't wave|your fanny in public. {10783}{10833}Rub it in. {10879}{10989}-Beer here! Duff Beer!|-Beer. Did you hear that, Marge? {10994}{11129}Delicious, frosty beer. Fat lot of|good it does me sitting next to Burns. {11134}{11164}Now, Homer. {11169}{11235}-I suppose you want a beer?|-Me, sir? {11240}{11311}Not a chance. Only idiots drink beer. {11316}{11395}I wonder if you'd join me. My treat. {11400}{11538}If someone of your stature can enjoy a|beer, maybe I'm wrong on the subject. {11543}{11653}-Are we having a drug test tomorrow?|-No. Vendor, two, please. {11687}{11721}2.50. {11792}{11888}The hitter's off his rocker,|kissing Betty Crocker! {11894}{11926}Good one, sir! {11932}{12049}I used to rile Connie Mack|with that one at old Shibe Park. {12053}{12138}Little baby batter,|can't control his bladder! {12143}{12194}Crude, but I like it. {12198}{12299}What do you say we freshen up|our little drinkie-poos? {12304}{12351}Don't mind if I do. {12430}{12557}-Well, Simpsie, up for another wave?|-All right, Burnsie. {12656}{12738}Bases loaded,|'Topes have 1 out, down by 3. {12742}{12816}Swung on and missed.|Strike 3, of course. {12820}{12910}These banjos couldn't carry|Pie Traynor's glove. {12916}{13015}After Bill McCIoskey pops out,|our post-game show starts. {13019}{13115}Come on! All we need is a grand slam! {13144}{13271}My one game of the year,|ruined by pathetic incompetence! {13303}{13374}What's wrong with you?|Show some spirit! {13380}{13460}Your team needs you! Come on! {13465}{13598}As I got up, I felt an intoxication|that had nothing to do with alcohol. {13603}{13694}It was the intoxication|of being a public spectacle. {13700}{13747}Some nut's dancing! {13752}{13897}He has the crowd going. Can he shake|up mediocre slugger Bill McCloskey? {13983}{14069}Swung on and belted|to deep left field! {14092}{14160}Going, going, gone! It's out of here! {14165}{14308}Oh, my God! The Isotopes win a game!|The Isotopes win a game! {14314}{14376}-That was certainly exciting.|-Yes. {14381}{14510}But Simpson's shameless display|of exhibitionism tainted the evening. {14516}{14598}He's banned for life|from all company outings. {14666}{14697}Way to go, Homer. {14702}{14824}Thank you. You're too kind,|but I can't take all the credit. {14831}{14887}The batter did his part too. {14893}{14955}Excuse me. You, the dancing fella. {14961}{15041}I'm Antoine "Tex" O'Hara.|I own the Isotopes. {15046}{15195}-Would you like to be our mascot?|-Me? A mascot for a bush-league team? {15199}{15293}I should've slept on it,|or at least stared blankly. {15298}{15422}If I hadn't thought of a nickname,|all our lives might've been spared. {15431}{15560}-Get on the bus, Dancing Homer!|-Shut up! I'm thinking of a name! {15636}{15696}Well, I'm ready to punch in. {15717}{15825}-Hey, cool, man!|-Our lives have taken an odd turn. {15831}{15938}-Did they ask you to dress like that?|-No, this was my idea. {15943}{16049}Don't fill up on those vegetables.|Save room for nachos. {16054}{16092}All right! {16145}{16281}For the first time, people didn't|laugh at me. They laughed towards me. {16296}{16356}'Topes win! Two in a row! {16610}{16710}A Simpson on a T-shirt!|I never thought I'd see the day. {16816}{16888}I'll stick this|where the sun don't shine. {16893}{16982}Oh yeah? And where might that be? {17171}{17226}I'm in a Caribbean mood tonight. {17233}{17330}Give me "Baby Elephant Walk"|with a little reggae beat. {17497}{17642}-Go, Dancing Homer! Get up, man!|-Lively up yourself, Dancing Homer. {17771}{17872}Bases loaded, two outs.|The good guys trail by a run. {17901}{17974}S-P-R-... {17979}{18044}...-l-N-G-... {18050}{18115}...-F-E-E-L-D! {18121}{18165}Springfield! {18174}{18271}Here's the pitch.|Swung on and missed. Strike three. {18276}{18310}'Topes lose. {18314}{18407}'Topes lose. 'Topes lose. {18524}{18565}You wanted to see me? {18570}{18706}Now we both knew when you began doing|this, you wouldn't be here forever. {18711}{18806}You can't fire the players,|so you fire the mascot! {18811}{18883}-You make me sick.|-I'm not firing you. {18887}{18963}You've been called up to Capital City. {18968}{19025}-Me? The majors?|-That's right. {19030}{19133}Wait, Capital City has a mascot.|The greatest one there is: {19138}{19185}The Capital City Goofball. {19189}{19304}He's getting old, needs someone|to fill in a few innings a night. {19309}{19373}-Could be a big opportunity.|-I'll say! {19379}{19494}-Why don't you talk to your family?|-Because they might say no. {19500}{19632}This was a big decision. I should've|listened to my kids, not my dumb wife. {19638}{19718}I shouldn't call her that.|Bite my tongue. {19723}{19811}I can't go! I was born here.|I thought I'd die here. {19817}{19895}It's not so bad.|You'll die someplace else. {19901}{20021}-What do I do about friends?|-You'll make new, better friends. {20027}{20115}But, Dad, we're simple people|with simple values. {20119}{20248}Capital City is too complex. Everyone|here knows us and has forgiven us. {20254}{20345}I'd be lying if I didn't say|this scares me a little. {20350}{20456}But we all have a calling,|a reason God put us on this earth. {20461}{20510}Yours is dancing on dugouts. {20515}{20563}-You mean--?|-Let's do it! {20568}{20618}Let's never look back! {20623}{20719}Whatever doesn't kill me|can only make me stronger. {20723}{20829}I've gotta convince my supervisor|to give me time off. {20834}{20912}Sure. What would you like?|Four, five years? {20916}{20993}So you're really moving|to Capital City? {20998}{21069}-That's right.|-And all this is for sale? {21073}{21138}I don't know how to say this, but.... {21143}{21222}Knock it off.|Don't start blubbering on me. {21228}{21286}I'm gonna miss you too. Not. {21290}{21371}I don't know.|I'll miss you and all, but-- {21375}{21456}Milhouse, this way,|we'll be friends forever. {21461}{21510}Well, okay. {21566}{21667}-I'll miss you, spit brother.|-I'll miss you, spit brother. {21686}{21844}If we had known each other better, my|leaving would actually mean something. {21892}{21995}We have one quick stop,|and then it's on to Capital City. {22001}{22078}I can't believe it. Our baby sister. {22083}{22139}-I'll call every day.|-Me too. {22168}{22242}Look. He can use a horn. {22261}{22300}Oh, shut up! {22339}{22464}Some may say that I have been|given a bad break in life. {22470}{22572}Little education,|bald as a cue ball... {22578}{22683}...10 years on the same job|for the same salary. {22697}{22793}But today,|as I leave for Capital City... {22806}{22955}...I consider myself the luckiest|mascot on the face of the earth. {23095}{23167}With the fickle fans|already forgetting me... {23173}{23261}...I was ready to take|the biggest step of my life. {23439}{23526}Well, kids. There it is! Capital City! {23530}{23617}Look! The Crosstown Bridge. {23621}{23669}-Wow!|-Wow. {23904}{23935}The Pennyloafer! {24076}{24150}Kids, look! Street crime. {24254}{24321}Wow, that's service. {24475}{24578}-Look, it's Tony Bennett!|-Hey, good to see you. {24867}{24935}Fourth Street and D! {25091}{25151}The Duff Brewery! {25548}{25622}Capital City, yeah! {25713}{25846}C-A-P-I.... {25863}{25962}-Come to bed, Homie.|-Sorry, honey. {25968}{26033}I'm just a little nervous. {26054}{26162}We would talk about it always:|For the first time ever... {26167}{26245}...Marge fell asleep before I did. {26283}{26342}Okay, here are your tickets. {26347}{26434}You're with the players' wives.|Cheer for me. {26439}{26505}See you afterwards when you're a star. {26511}{26554}Bart was strangely quiet. {26559}{26650}Later, he said he was confused|by his respect for me. {26656}{26699}It wouldn't last. {26810}{26889}Oh, my God, I don't believe it.|It's you! {26893}{26994}-The Capital City Goofball.|-Hello, glad to have you. {26999}{27089}If you need anything,|just squeeze the wheeze. {27127}{27261}The 5th inning will be yours. Everyone|is settled in, had a couple of beers. {27269}{27330}-It's an important inning.|-The 5th. {27334}{27435}It's also the inning|I wish I had a zipper in the front. {27440}{27539}-Right, Mr. Goofball.|-Call me Goof. What's your plan? {27545}{27666}I dance and spell out the name|of the city to "Baby Elephant Walk." {27671}{27732}Mancini: the mascot's best friend. {27737}{27845}See you on that field.|I set them up, you knock them down. {27933}{28068}Dave Glass talking at you. We got|great weather tonight under the dome. {28088}{28200}Let's see.|Upper, upper, upper mezzanine. {28217}{28312}-Yes, these must be ours.|-These seats stink! {28317}{28449}-I thought the wives would be closer.|-This section is for the ex-wives. {28454}{28586}-He had some bimbo in Kansas City.|-Throw at his head! {28636}{28766}A free ticket to a big-league park,|but I was too tense to enjoy the game. {28770}{28860}I was too focused on the task at hand. {28866}{28948}-Red Hots! Get your Red Hots!|-Ooh, Red Hots. {28954}{29099}Ladies and gentlemen, Capital City's|newest sensation: Dancin' Homer! {29123}{29201}These do taste better at the ballpark. {29251}{29290}There he is! {29295}{29404}I was graceful. I was witty.|Brother, I was something! {29410}{29468}But they didn't care. {29505}{29573}What is with these people? {29578}{29651}-What's he doing wrong?|-I don't know. {29656}{29750}It was so quiet,|I could hear each smart-ass remark. {29754}{29878}-He doesn't make me want to cheer.|-I pity him, making a fool of himself. {29883}{29966}These cornball antics|don't play in Capital City! {29972}{30050}The only applause I got|was for leaving. {30082}{30191}Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants|to see you in his office. {30195}{30320}I'm sorry, you're not ready. Pick up|your check. And put some clothes on! {30325}{30378}Well, back to Springfield. {30382}{30460}I can't!|Not after I've seen Capital City! {30466}{30529}I'll wither and die like a flower. {30533}{30641}Stop it. Don't look too down.|It's hard enough for your dad. {30646}{30761}-All right, Homer! Way to go!|-What a family. {30767}{30815}My wife and kids stood by me. {30820}{30911}On the way home,|I realized how little that helped. {30916}{30988}So that's it.|The costume's buried now. {30992}{31087}As my son would say,|I'm one sad, ape-like dude. {31092}{31130}-Wow.|-What a saga. {31135}{31257}You guys are hanging on my every word.|I'm the center of attention. {31263}{31332}-It's riveting.|-Tell it again, Homer. {31336}{31479}I wonder why stories of degradation|and humiliation make you more popular. {31485}{31569}I don't know. They just do.