Original subtitles

(eerie music playing)

(instrumental music playing)

(thunder rumbling)

Will they come?

They'll come.

Here. Stamp those and mail them.

It's ringing.

Please walk myron over there.

My leg looks like a tree in this fog.

What a godforsaken spot to get lost.

We passed a better spot.

(telephone ringing)

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Tell them we're lost.

(ringing continues)

Nobody answered, the phone went dead.

Then why did you say hello?

Funny, i could have sworn... What, dickie?

Sounded like somebody snipped the wire.

Really? What did it sound like?

Snip.

Willie: Some fog, eh, pop?

Wang: I've heard the weather report. Drive, please.

It's as thick as pea soup.

Not a soul around for miles.

Know what l think? Perfect place for a murder.

Conversation like television set on honeymoon.

Unnecessary.

(door creaking)

Willie: Where are we going?

Who is mr. Twain?

What did he mean by "dinner and a murder"?

Questions like athlete's foot.

After while, very irritating.

(dog barking)

To stop car, please.

What's wrong? Stop car, please.

(dog howling)

To shut engine off, please.

Listen.

I don't hear nothing. What do you hear?

Double negative and dog.

So what?

If not mistaken,

Dog belong to mr. Dick charleston.

Who is dick charleston?

I am. Thank you. Did you see a little white...

Wang. A white wang?

Good heavens. Sidney wang.

What are you doing here?

No doubt same as you.

Looking for bridge to home of mr. Lionel twain.

You too, huh?

Must be important to invite two such eminent detectives.

Excuse, please. To introduce japanese son, willie.

Hi.

Japanese? But i thought...

Mrs. Wang and i never had children.

Willie adopted number three son.

Be careful on this road. It's treacherous.

Treacherous road like fresh mushroom...

Idiot.

Not finish mushroom story.

You're idiot.

(scoffs)

I'm sorry, monsieur perrier, but i can see nothing.

This fog is thick as bouillabaisse.

Nuts.

Pardon? Nuts. Nuts.

No nuts in my chocolate.

You got raisins. I asked for nuts.

He didn't have any nuts.

The man in the shop?

That's why i took raisins.

Never mind.

We will soon be there for dinner. Hot soup.

Still, monsieur,

Something is not right here.

I can feel it in my bones.

In your what?

In my bones.

Buns? You have buns?

You bought buns and didn't tell me?

Where are they?

No, monsieur. The bones in my body.

Don't speak with an accent when i'm hungry.

Sam, this is useless.

Nobody asked you, baby.

Yes, they did. You asked me back there if...

That was then, this is now,

And nobody knows what tomorrow will be.

That's the way things are.

Sam, i really worry about you sometimes.

All right. Cut the malarkey.

This trip is strictly business with me.

What do you got on this twain guy?

He was born in san francisco in 1906.

Mother was a roman catholic. Father was an orthodox jew.

The marriage lasted two hours.

Any children?

One daughter, 32, irene, who calls herself rita.

Just like a dame.

Don't stop. You're doing fine.

Arrested in 1932 for selling pornographic bibles.

Charges were dropped

When the church refused to turn over the bibles.

In '46, he was picked up in el paso, texas,

For smuggling a truckload of rich white americans

Into mexico to pick melons.

He was sent to the dallas state hospital for mental observation.

We've picked ourselves a queer bird.

Anything else?

Oh, yeah. Get this, sam.

Lionel twain has one interesting physical characteristic.

He has no pinkies.

No pinkies?

He only has eight fingers?

No, 10. He just doesn't have any pinkies.

Good work, angel.

Thanks, sam. Where'd you dig up that stuff?

I wrote to twain and asked him.

Good thinking.

(engine sputtering)

What's the matter?

Wouldn't you know? Out of gas.

I saw a station about 5 miles back, sam.

I want you to know i'll be waiting for you.

Willie: The bridge doesn't look safe.

One way to find out.

Drive across.

Aren't you coming with me?

Weight of two men may be too much.

Why do i have to drive?

(bridge creaking) because i smart enough to get out first.

(creaking continues)

It's going to collapse, pop.

Not worry. Father find other way to house.

I made it, pop. I made it.

Good. Now come back and get adopted father.

Look at invitation.

What number of house?

Two, two...

Correct. 22, twain's house.

Continue.

Did you see that? No.

Neither did i.

Stop. Do not move.

Something's wrong here.

What is it, pop? Do not ask questions.

Do as i say.

When i tell you jump, you jump.

Five,

Four, three, two...

Holy shanghai!

Nice counting, pop. How did you know?

Look on ground.

Ha! Even had correct shoe size.

Someone gone great trouble

To make welcome guest not so welcome.

Ring bell, please.

Are you nuts, pop? Someone's trying to kill us.

Yes. Should make exciting weekend.

Ring, please.

I wish it was monday morning.

Well, here goes.

(woman screaming)

Holy cow. They're killing someone.

Calm yourself. Didn't you hear her scream?

No. You heard scream.

More experienced ear heard doorbell.

Listen again.

(woman screaming)

Mr. Twain has macabre sense of humor, yes?

(thunder rumbling)

Good evening. We have been expecting you.

But in what condition?

Roof in need of repair.

I'm afraid the house is falling apart.

May we come in, please?

I'm so sorry. I thought you were in.

You are mr. And mrs. Charleston?

Not quite.

I am inspector wang of catalina police.

This adopted son, willie.

I trust you had a pleasant journey.

Strange weather. Storm only outside,

Wind inside.

That's just one of mr. Twain's little toys,

An electronic device.

Mr. Twain, as you will soon discover,

Prefers his atmosphere murky.

May i have your bags, sir?

No. Son will get bags.

That is why i adopted him.

Very good, sir.

One moment, please,

While i close the door.

Now, i will show you to your room.

Very large house.

No other servants?

I'm not sure. I've never seen anyone.

Mr. Twain asked me to make you comfortable.

He will be joining you after dinner.

After dinner?

Host not have dinner with guests?

No. Mr. Twain prefers to eat out.

(barking)

Wait, please. What that?

It's nothing, sir. Just the cat.

(barking continues)

That cat?

You feed cat dog food?

He's a very angry cat.

Mr. Twain had him fixed,

And he didn't want to be.

(growls)

Big house, huh, pop?

Big house like man married to fat woman.

Hard to get around.

Here we are.

I'm sure you'll find this suitable.

Boy, it's a cold house.

I've taken care of that, sir.

You'll find a nice, cozy fire in your room, sir.

It's a bit smoky, sir.

That fireplace hasn't been used in years.

At least the bed is warm.

If you wish anything, sir, please ring.

Where buzzer?

It's behind the bed, sir. There.

Dinner will be at 9:00,

And mr. Twain likes his guests to dress.

(woman screaming)

The doorbell. Excuse me.

Wow. What a creepy guy.

Why would anyone hire a blind butler?

For one thing, very cheap.

How butler know how much he get paid?

Drink this. You'll feel better.

If myron hadn't barked,

We wouldn't have seen that statue falling.

It wasn't meant to kill. It's a warning.

Somebody's just trying to frighten us, but why?

He's doing a wonderful job.

Why hasn't anybody answered?

Don't ring it again, dickie. Knock, don't ring.

I won't. I promise.

(thunder rumbling)

(growling)

What is it now, myron?

Up there, dora. Look.

A blind butler.

Don't let him park the car, dickie.

Good evening. We have been expecting you.

We let ourselves in.

Dick and dora charleston.

Good evening. We have been expecting you.

Your room is ready.

Just follow me, please.

(growls)

Never mind, ma'am. It's just the cat.

Our luggage is outside.

I'll get it when i park the car.

Is mr. Wang here? Yes.

They're resting in their room.

I put you in the same wing as mr. Wang.

Isn't that nice? We're in wang's wing.

Not many people come to the manor these days.

It's nice to hear guests again.

Thank you. You are? Bensonmum.

Thank you, benson.

No. My name is bensonmum.

Bensonmum? Yes, sir.

Jamesir bensonmum.

Jamesir?

Yes, sir. Jamesir bensonmum?

Yes, sir. How odd.

My father's name, sir. What?

Howard bensonmum.

Your father was howard bensonmum?

Leave it be, dickie.

Here is the late mrs. Twain's room.

She died in here.

Oh, dear.

Died of what?

She murdered herself in her sleep, sir.

You mean suicide?

No, it was murder all right.

Mrs. Twain hated herself.

We keep this room locked.

Why is that?

Mr. Twain loved her very much.

He's kept her room just as it was

The night she choked herself,

Nine years ago.

(door creaking)

Madam loved it here.

She said it was such a cheerful room.

(mouse squeaking)

(screaming)

Ah, the doorbell.

That was mrs. Charleston.

I thought she was here.

I won't stay in this filthy room.

Very well, madam. I'll attend to it during dinner.

Thank you, bensonsir. Mum.

What? Bensonmum.

Ma'am.

Baking flour. What?

This dust is baking flour.

These cobwebs are candied sugar.

All placed here just to frighten us.

And that mouse is obviously a mechanical toy.

(chuckles)

Silly. What?

I am.

It's real.

(screams)

(mouse squeaking)

Perrier: Stop. We are here.

That's why i stopped the car. Open my door.

There is chocolate all over your face. What?

The candy bar. It is all over your face.

Fool. That's my mustache.

Lick it and see.

Wipe it off. My hands are sticky.

Hold still, please.

Sloppy.

(woman screaming)

All in good time.

(knocking at door)

Yes.

Who's there?

Who's there, i say?

Filthy neighborhood.

Didn't l say "jump"?

Un, deux, trois, jump. Why don't you listen?

Oh, leave me alone.

Sloppy.

(thunder rumbling)

Who are you?

Oh. You must be the new kitchen maid.

I hope you can cook.

Hmm? Answer me.

Speak up.

What's that? I can't hear you.

A little shy, are you?

Never mind.

There will be 10 for dinner.

Here is the menu.

Is that understood?

Dinner will be at 9:00.

When i want you,

That bell will ring three times.

All right. Get to work.

Hello?

Hello, hello? Operator?

I am saying hello, hello.

It's dead, sir.

What? Who is? Who are you?

The butler, sir.

The butler, eh? I thought as much.

That phone has not worked for a week, sir.

Is that a fact?

And i say that this wire

Has been snipped, not one hour ago.

As you can see.

What is your name?

Bensonmum.

Your little jest escapes me.

I am monsieur milo perrier.

My chauffeur was injured by a falling gargoyle

While standing outside in chinese footprints.

We rang the bell, a woman screamed,

A mouse ran out through the door.

As you can plainly see,

I miss nothing.

Since we cannot call for a doctor,

I need a cold compress for my chauffeur

And some hot chocolate for me, n'est-ce pas?

We don't have nespa, sir, just hershey's.

I'll call the maid.

(ringing)

(ringing continues)

I'll fetch it for you myself, sir.

In the meantime,

I'll show you your room.

Get up. Get up.

I do not trust this butler.

Notice how his eyes never look at you.

He's blind, monsieur.

Nonsense.

Sam: There's the house now.

(groans)

What's the matter? My feet are killing me.

Why didn't you say we needed oil before i got the gas?

Because i gave you a $50 bill

And the gas was only five bucks.

Maybe you'd come back, maybe you wouldn't.

I couldn't take that chance, angel.

Don't you trust me, sam?

Trust you?

The last time i trusted a dame

Was in paris in 1940.

She went out to get some wine.

Two hours later, the germans marched into france.

I'm sorry, sam.

Sorry, nothing. Give me my change.

Dinner is at 9:00, sir.

I'll have the maid bring your chocolate.

One moment, my good man.

Sir?

Thank you. That will be all.

He's blind all right.

Those were my funniest faces.

Not exactly the copacabana.

I don't feel good about this.

Maybe tonight's the night your luck ends.

Maybe so.

There's a number on the wall for all of us, angel.

If tonight's the night they pick mine, so be it.

After you, sweetheart.

First kiss me, sam.

I don't kiss.

Just this once, sam.

I don't like kissing. Now leave me alone.

(woman screaming)

My god. He's dead.

I beg your pardon.

Sam diamond is lying out there, crushed to death.

I'm going to faint. You catch me.

Madam.

Madam, where are you?

All right. Hold it right there. Freeze, blinky.

Get your hands up. Face the wall.

Angel, you can get up now.

Turn around, jeeves.

Your concrete christmas present arrived about two seconds early,

No thanks to you.

I apologize for any unfortunate mishap, sir.

May i put my hands down?

Don't test your luck, shakespeare.

I got your little invitation to dinner.

I didn't realize i was the main course.

I had a kid brother who got it the same way two years ago.

That boy would have been 63 on tuesday.

For two cents, i'd take this... Sam, no.

Get him away from me.

Get him away.

Get him away before i stuff him

Like those tiger trophies

His limey pals hang up on saloon walls.

Please.

He has a dreadful temper, hasn't he?

(clock chiming)

9:00. Time for dinner.

Is everything ready? Hmm?

(sniffing)

I don't smell anything.

Very light on the seasoning, are you?

Put the soup in the tureen and keep the squabs on low.

I'll serve cocktails.

When you hear the bell,

Bring out the chilled asparagus

And turn up the flame on the squabs.

Have you got that?

You didn't tell me how l look, dickie.

No different than always, absolutely ravishing.

Do you love and adore me?

I love and adore you.

You still have a great tush.

Years of horseback riding, darling.

Getting to bottom of things?

Ah, wang. Darling, you remember... Of course.

Nice to see you, ah wang.

Always a pleasure, mrs. Charleston.

What a beautiful gown.

Where did you get it?

This an old dress.

Had it for years.

Please to meet adopted son, willie.

Ah, east meets west

In a most bizarre setting.

Perrier. Charleston.

I didn't know you were invited.

You know wang. Ah, yes.

I dined in shanghai long ago with inspector wang.

(speaking fake chinese)

Oh, you remember. Yes.

You had hong ching chu,

And i had cow dung wu fong.

My wife dora, inspector perrier.

(speaking french)

(coughing)

I'm sorry. Our room is so dusty.

My fault. I should have blown first.

May i present my secretaire-chauffeur, marcel cassette?

Recovered from your accident, marcel?

(responds in french)

How did you know?

From the way you bend.

Your right side was smashed in

By a citroen, i imagine.

I heard a metallic sound,

So l think you have an artificial hip.

Steel? Aluminum.

You're still quick, charleston.

And you, mr. Charleston, did not approve

Of mrs. Charleston dyeing hair blonde?

I beg your pardon?

Mrs. Charleston hair red.

You have blonde hairs on shoulder.

That means she has dyed red hair to blonde

And back again to red,

Or else you have been...

Ah, so sorry. Wang is, ah, wrong.

Shall we go eat now?

Boy, pop. You sure put your...

Shut japanese mouth.

Must be ghastly to have a hip removed.

Does your hip hurt?

Only in damp weather.

(thunder rumbling)

(screams in pain)

Are you all right?

Pay no attention. You'll only spoil him.

Get up. Get up.

(metallic clinking)

As i was saying...

Hey, pop.

A treacherous road like fresh mush...

Hey, pop.

I know. Dog stick tongue out of picture.

Treacherous road like fresh mushroom...

He's a charming fellow.

African death mask. Died in some tribal ritual.

Wonder where others are.

Others?

What others?

Invitation to dinner and murder

Finally clear to wang

With appearance of monsieur perrier.

Only the world's greatest living detectives were invited.

Five of us, darling. Three already here.

Two have not yet arrived.

Miss jessie marbles of england, and mr...

Sam diamond of san francisco.

I know who you all are.

This lady here in the rented dress is my secretary and mistress,

Miss tess skeffington.

Oh, sam, don't...

Oh, i'm sorry, sweetheart.

Miss skeffington thinks i'm too brutally honest.

But then, we're in a brutal business.

Never consider murder to be business, mr. Diamond.

Is that right?

Maybe not for you, mr. Wang,

Because you put your money into vegetables in the late '30s.

You own 50% of the bean sprouts and bamboo shoots

Grown on the chinese mainland.

So you folks can imagine

How much chicken chow mein mr. Wang has.

Am i right, angel? Right.

That doesn't seem important.

Or you, mr. Perrier.

You work both sides of the big drink.

You solve crimes for barons and earls

And put your fancy fees into swiss banks.

That buys a lot of hot chocolate.

Now see here, diamond.

No, you see, mr. Charleston of new york,

Palm beach and beverly hills.

Crime is a hobby to you,

Just a game to pass the time while waiting

For room service in some fancy hotel.

Your wife's dough buys you gin martinis and $300 suits.

All you do is give your wife a little grab now and then

And walk the dog.

Sorry if i'm shocking you,

But i never went to finishing school.

My school is the streets,

And a pointed revolver is my teacher.

I get $50 a day and expenses.

I owe miss skeffington three years' back pay.

Isn't that right, angel?

I don't care, sam.

Neither do i.

Would someone give my lady friend

A glass of cheap white wine?

I'm going to find the can.

I talk so much sometimes, i forget to go.

Please excuse sam.

He was shot in the head last week.

He shouldn't be out of the hospital.

I think the fellow is damned honest.

Dora: Dickie, language.

Miss jessica marbles and nurse.

Ah, miss marbles.

So we finally meet.

Have admire you since i was tiny little detective.

Thank you, mr. Wang.

I am jessica marbles.

This is miss withers, my nurse.

She's been with me 52 years.

I must take care of her now.

Are you all right, miss withers?

Do you want your medicine?

No.

Ow!

She's off.

I could use a stiff shot, mr. Charleston.

I believe booze, as you call it, is your department.

My pleasure, madam.

Who's the old geezer?

Sam!

Jessie, baby.

Sam diamond!

There's a bullet hole in your back.

You should see the other guy.

(man groaning)

Quiet, please.

Observe strange sound.

(groaning continues)

My god, it's the face.

It's coming from the face.

(groaning)

He's going through his dying moments.

What could it mean?

Dinner, sir. We have no gong.

Ladies and gentlemen, i propose a toast.

Our host, mr. Lionel twain, is a unique man.

Point one, he has gathered the world's greatest detectives

To investigate a crime that has not yet been committed.

Point two, he has set traps for us,

A bridge that almost collapses, falling statues.

Does he mean to kill us?

Not yet. He could've done that at any time.

He's merely whetting our appetites

For the rest of the game.

Point three, why five detectives instead of one?

Because he intends to challenge us all,

A feat no criminal mind has heretofore attempted.

Therefore, before this hellish weekend begins,

I propose that we toast

Either a most beguiling and charming man,

Or an insidious, fiendish madman.

Bottoms up.

One moment, please.

Point four, wine poisoned.

(all muttering)

An ancient, tasteless, colorless

And odorless oriental herb

That kills instantly.

Observe, please.

(all gasping)

Great scott. Mr. Wang, you've saved our lives.

Not quite, mrs. Charleston.

Bon appetit.

(all screaming)

Only monsieur wang could detect the poison,

So only he was tested.

Point five, mr. Twain is both

Beguiling and fiendish.

(groans)

Oh!

Oh, get a doctor, quick.

No, it's all right.

My wine is not poisoned.

It was just a bad year.

Good work, mr. Wang.

We must all be on our guard

Through every course of the meal.

You're all forgetting one thing.

This makes the butler suspicious.

He poured the wine.

Except he is blind.

How would he know which one to serve the poisoned glass to?

That's very simple.

Blind people have a very keen sense of smell.

Since we're anglo-saxon

And mr. Wang's son is japanese,

It wouldn't be hard to sniff out the chinaman.

Charleston: See here. That's a tacky thing to say.

It's a tacky world, mr. Charleston.

Isn't that right, angel?

That's right, sam.

Quiet, please. Butler approaches.

I apologize for the delay.

I'm having communication problems with the cook.

Who poured the wine?

Mr. Twain, sir. He left it in the refrigerator.

I was told to give mr. Wang

The glass with the sticky stem.

And you didn't ask why?

I was lucky to find the refrigerator, sir.

I will serve the soup now.

Perrier: By all means.

(inaudible)

(inaudible)

Yes, i'm starving.

One moment. Where is the soup?

In your dish, sir.

There is nothing in my dish but my dish.

I don't understand, sir.

Take the spoon. Taste it yourself.

I see what you mean, sir.

If you'll excuse me,

I need to talk with the cook.

Murder by starvation.

Maybe that's his game.

What do you think, sam?

Ask the moose. He's been watching us.

(all murmuring)

Ten people for dinner,

And i'm serving hot nothing.

You can't get good help today.

You're fired. Do you understand? Fired.

I want you out. Do you hear?

And stay out.

Something just occurred to me.

The seating's all wrong.

How so, mr. Charleston?

I'm sitting next to dora.

What's wrong with that?

She's your wife, isn't she?

At a dinner party, a husband and wife shouldn't sit together.

I should be on the opposite side of the table.

Mr. Wang, please change places with me.

Now?

Now.

(all screaming)

Just as i thought. Another test that almost killed us.

Saved only because i am enormously well-bred.

Lucky it wasn't me. I'd be chopped liver now.

(all clamoring)

Wang: Silence, please. Do not panic.

No person move from place.

Charleston: Someone just came in.

Quiet, everyone. I smell something.

Miss marbles: What is it?

Good god. Franks and beans.

I'm afraid that's all we have, sir.

Dora: Dickie, don't touch me there.

Charleston: My hands are in my pockets.

Sam: They're my pockets.

Charleston: Sorry about that.

Dora: Dickie, behave yourself.

Twain: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm your host, lionel twain.

Good god. What an entrance.

A bit theatrical, miss marbles,

But i do love illusion.

Please forgive my hat. I'm losing my hair.

I thought twain was older. 72, 73.

Seventy-six to be exact, mr. Diamond.

How do i look so young?

Quite simple. A complete vegetable diet,

Twelve hours sleep a night

And lots and lots of make-up.

I trust you've all been made comfortable.

Comfortable, mr. Twain?

Do you call poison, a near decapitation, comfortable?

No, i call it inspiration.

You still must explain

The attempts on our lives, monsieur twain.

Merely games, monsieur perrier.

Pitting wits with you, so to speak.

Pit your wits with me and you won't have wits to pit with.

You're spitting on the nurse.

Sorry, old lady.

Crazy broad should be in bed.

Monsieur twain, after four hours, we haven't seen

A hot dinner or a cold corpse.

I therefore bid you adieu.

I bid one adieu, also.

No one is leaving this house.

What meaning of this, mr. Twain?

I will tell you, mr. Wang, if you can tell me

Why a man with such a brilliant mind

Can't say his prepositions or articles.

"the," mr. Wang. What is "the" meaning of this?

That what i said.

What meaning of this?

The meaning of this is

I have decided to prove beyond a doubt

That the greatest living criminologist in the world

Is sitting at this table,

And you are all looking at him.

No, don't look at each other.

Look at me! I'm the greatest.

I'm number one.

You look like number two.

Know what i mean?

What does he mean?

Tell you later. It's disgusting.

In all your various adventures,

Not one of you has ever had an unsolved murder.

Your reputations exist on this single fact.

But what would the world say

If the five greatest living detectives

Found themselves trapped in a country house,

Shut off from the world,

Only to discover a body on the floor,

Stabbed 12 times in the back with a butcher's knife,

And not one able to solve the crime?

You mean murder?

Dora, please. We're talking shop.

Yes! Murder, mrs. Charleston.

Exactly at midnight,

Someone in this house will be viciously murdered.

Left out one small detail, mr. Twain.

Who victim?

"is the!" "is the!"

Who "is the" victim?

That drives me crazy!

Sounds like a short ride to me.

Well, we shall see who is sane

And who is crazy around here.

Mr. Wang, the victim is at this very table at this very moment,

And so, too, ladies and gentlemen,

Is the murderer.

Murder-poo?

Yes, dear. We're going to have a lovely murder-poo.

(giggles)

Why don't you push her wheelchair down the driveway?

You know who's gonna get it?

Intimately.

And you know the method? Definitely.

And exactly what time murder to take place?

"the" murder.

Precisely.

Well, i know it's none of my business,

But doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, mr. Twain?

No wives.

I refuse to discuss this with wives.

Dora is quite right. All fingers do seem to point to you.

It's not much of a challenge.

Shall i make it more interesting, mr. Charleston?

$1 million to the one who solves the crime.

Wagered against your reputations.

$1 million in tax-free cash.

Also, the paperback rights and the film sale.

It's 11:00, amigos.

One hour before death strikes someone in this room.

See you at midnight.

Toodle-oo!

See here, monsieur twain!

He's gone!

No, he's not. He's down there.

(all gasp)

Fast little bunny rabbit, ain't you?

I've never moved, mr. Diamond.

I'm still down there.

A stunt done with mirrors.

Is that so?

Willing to risk seven years bad luck?

Try it, mr. Diamond.

It's your funeral, butterball.

(all gasp) wait!

Sometimes it doesn't work.

You've won this round, mr. Diamond.

My turn comes at midnight.

I hope he can stop that thing.

If you ask me, anybody offering a million bucks

For a crime that's not committed,

That's nuts.

Should we wait until someone's butchered?

What's happened to the butler?

Why hasn't he returned with our dinner?

Go look for him.

No one leave.

Why not, pop?

Twain say victim at this table.

If we stay together,

Crime cannot be committed without witnesses.

You're one smart chinaman, mr. Wang.

Joining hands will make the chain stronger.

Join hands, please.

(ticking)

Stop that.

Stop it, i said.

What is it, diamond?

She's giving my palm the finger, the dirty broad.

Naughty, naughty, miss withers.

(giggling)

(inaudible)

Good god! Look!

(inaudible)

Tess: What is she doing?

Screaming. What is it?

What's happened?

Something wrong in kitchen. With our dinner!

No, no. Patience, patience.

Is someone in there? Is someone in the kitchen with dinner?

Cook cannot speak or hear.

"i think butler is dead.

"my name is yetta. I don't work thursdays."

Ask if she sleeps in.

We must investigate this.

Someone has to go. Not alone.

Mr. Charleston, mr. Diamond stay.

Miss marbles, monsieur perrier

And wang will investigate.

Oh, that's right.

Let it all out.

(inaudible)

Careful, wang!

Fingerprints.

Where? Yours.

Here, take my handkerchief.

Is he... Looks...

Seems like...

(both gasp) don't touch him!

Fingerprints.

Quite so.

Pencil.

Wang: No pulse,

No heartbeat.

If condition does not change, this man is dead.

No signs of foul play.

Hold on! What's this?

What do you make of this, perrier?

Poison, n'est-ce pas?

Not nespa, cocoa.

At last, we have our murder.

Not quite.

Twain say murder victim sitting at our table.

Butler not at our table.

Butler only killed to divert us

From real murder still to come.

(both gasp)

(screams) look!

A knife is missing!

The butcher's knife, i'll wager.

The others are in danger.

What is exact time, please?

11:31 and 56 seconds.

57, 58...

Tell me when to stop.

59, 60.

Twenty-eight minutes to main murder.

Back to dining room.

Must be together at midnight.

One moment!

(gasps)

Wang: Handkerchief.

What is it?

A bill.

Everything's rented for tonight.

The butler, cook, food and chairs.

You mean...

This entire murder has been catered.

It's twain's doing. He's crazy.

Ah, yes, but no fool.

I hope we're in time.

Door locked.

Sam diamond probably locked it.

Good thinking on diamond head.

Diamond, it's perrier.

It's all right. Open up.

Diamond, charleston. Are you in there?

Get key from pocket of dead butler.

Don't say "dead." i have to reach into his pocket.

(exclaims)

Holy merde!

Miss skeffington!

Miss marbles: Miss skeffington! Miss withers!

He is gone.

Who's gone? The butler. His body is missing.

Here's the key.

Where you find key?

In his pocket. What pocket?

The butler's pocket.

Butler gone, but pocket there?

Exactly.

Somebody stole his body, but left his clothes.

Quickly! Open the door.

Something is wrong here.

Hello! Where is everyone?

Room filled with empty people.

I'll try the other door.

It's locked from the inside.

Strange.

Both doors locked from inside, yet no way out.

I don't like it. I don't like it one bit!

I like, but don't understand.

Maybe other way out of room.

Secret passageway, perhaps.

Twain: There are no secret passageways, mr. Wang.

You spoke? No.

Not me.

I spoke.

Ah! There!

Voice come from cow on wall.

Moose! Moose, you imbecile!

Where are they?

What have you done with the others, you short madman?

Ah-ha! Stumped already!

Need some clues, monsieur perrier?

Clues! I need no clues.

I find my own clues, you demented lollipop!

Calm yourself. Man who argue with cow on wall

Is like train without wheels. Get nowhere.

Okay, quiet. I'm sick of your fortune cookies.

Man who sick of fortune cookies...

I'm sick of fortune cookies...

(shushing)

Cow talk again.

Need a hint, miss marbles?

You mistake what you assume.

They never left the dining room.

Count the numbers 1 to 10,

Turn the knob and try again.

(laughing)

What the devil does that mean?

"they never left the dining room."

Certainly they did.

Do not mistake what you assume, miss marbles.

Quick, back out in hall. Why?

We assume others not here.

Cow say they in room.

Let's look once more.

Please close door, monsieur perrier.

I cannot see what possible...

Quiet. 7, 8, 9, 10.

Miss marbles, open door, please.

Where were you, wang? We was worried.

Where were you?

We were here. You said don't leave.

You haven't left this room?

All: No.

Answer simple,

But question hard.

Where's the butler?

Butler completely murdered.

Poisoned.

A butcher knife is missing.

We came to tell you, but the doors were locked.

I wanted the butler's key,

But his body was missing.

He had been stripped naked.

His clothes were left.

I don't understand.

Why would anyone steal a dead, naked body?

Well, dear, there are people...

That's tacky.

That's really tacky.

Then we returned here, opened the door,

But the room was empty.

You were all gone.

(chuckles)

The moose head told us not to assume

That you'd left the dining room.

So we counted to 10 and tried it again.

And here you were.

I'm not one to use hyperbole,

But i'll tell you this,

For the first time in my life,

I had the ca-ca scared out of me.

I like her. I really like her.

(gunshots)

Gunshots, monsieur. Gunshots, pop.

Gunshots, sam. Gunshots, dickie.

Shoes!

This time, charleston and i will go.

Everybody else stay here.

Let's go, charleston.

What do you make of all this, wang?

Is confusing.

"it!" "it" is confusing. Say your pronouns!

(scoffs)

Open the door.

Good god! What is it?

He's back.

And au naturel.

I don't get it.

First they steal the body and leave the clothes.

Who would steal the clothes and bring the body back?

Possibly some deranged dry cleaner.

What about the gunshots?

Why shoot someone who'd been poisoned?

True. We heard gunshots, but i don't see any bullet holes.

Not in his head, his neck, his back or his chest.

Look all over him.

All over his body?

Somebody has to do it.

I'll stand guard. You look.

All right. We'll take turns.

Search the first naked body.

I'll search the second one we find.

(thunder rumbling)

Hurry up. We only got eight minutes.

(groans)

You see anything?

I don't see a bullet hole.

Hold it, i see something.

What is it?

Forget it. My mistake. Not a bullet hole.

Then what about the shots?

Divide and conquer.

What? Another diversion.

He gives us meaningless clues

And dangles red herrings before our eyes

As precious seconds tick away.

Another murder is still to come.

You're not my type of cop, but you smell good.

If you're not a pansy, what are you?

Classy, i suppose.

Dames love guys like you.

I don't see what possibly...

You ever make it with a waitress? What?

A waitress.

A big fat waitress.

I don't know about society dames,

But you ain't had it until you've made it with a fat waitress.

If you're interested, give me a call.

Bizarre little twit.

I'm not sure about him.

What are you doing?

My hands need washing. Good.

I'll be right out.

I'll tell them.

You're never going to believe this.

All right, where are you?

What the hell is going on?

Charleston, wash up later. We've got problems.

Locked from the inside.

That can only mean one thing,

And i don't know what it is.

Charleston!

You'll never believe...

(growling)

I'll be right out!

I don't remember closing that door.

What happened?

What were the gunshots?

Did anybody leave?

It happened to you, too?

Where's my dickie?

Sorry. Where's my husband?

Two minutes to midnight, if anyone's interested.

It ain't possible.

Eight people in a dining room

Can't suddenly disappear.

Unless...

What?

Unless it never happened.

I see your point, diamond.

When is a full dining room not full?

When there's two dining rooms.

Exactly!

Two dining rooms?

Two dining rooms, two of everything.

Twain electronic genius.

He has devised a way to move this room quickly and silently,

In the flash of an eye,

To be replaced by an identical room.

I knew it!

Please. I shall demonstrate.

I'll walk out the door, return, and you will all be gone.

Observe.

I've figured it out.

There are two of everything.

Oh, dickie, that's old news.

Everybody take your seats.

I'm scared, sam. Hold me.

Hold yourself. I'm busy.

Sit in your same seat.

40 seconds! I'm worried about monsieur perrier.

I'll look for him.

No one to leave room.

(knocking at door)

No, it's the other door.

It's locked. I can't open it.

Hurry! We have 15 seconds.

Move your hand, chauffeur.

Don't ask me!

Why the butler's uniform?

I said don't ask me! I don't know.

It all happened too quickly.

The cook. Where's the cook?

Gone! Never said a word.

Ten more seconds. Sit and join hands.

Impossible for murder to happen now without witnesses.

Three, two, one!

(clock chiming)

(chiming continues)

(nervous laughter)

(sighing in relief)

It's over. We're safe and sound.

(knocking at door)

That's probably the cook. Come in.

The woman is deaf.

I'm sorry, i forgot. Come in!

Not sound like cook to me.

Ah, mr. Twain!

You appear to be wrong.

Nobody here murdered. Please come in.

(all screaming)

Is he dead?

If he's not, he should be.

Touch nothing! Stop saying "touch nothing."

We're experienced criminologists.

It's insulting to say "touch nothing."

Be quiet, woman! Up yours, fellow!

Most amusing.

Bickering detectives like making giant lamb stew.

Everything go to pot.

Why don't you be quiet?

(all bickering)

(gun fires)

Quiet!

Stay where you are, everybody.

What? I'm going to the can.

I don't want to miss nothing.

I'm going, too.

I'd rather do this alone.

Thanks anyway.

Dora: The cook.

What, darling?

The cook murdered him.

The butler's dead. She wasn't in this room.

No one else could get out.

Right?

Wrong. Oh?

What makes you certain?

This arm isn't strong enough to force a knife that far up a man's back.

(all scream)

Is that the cook's arm?

It ain't the pussycat's tail.

Oh!

Don't be alarmed. It ain't real.

Neither is the cook.

I found this before i got to the can.

I have a surprise for you.

(all gasp)

A mannequin. No, a dummy!

Perfect in every detail, except she couldn't hear or speak.

I congratulate the murder victim.

Except for being dead, he was no dope.

Nice going, sam.

I hope everyone realizes someone in here is a murderer.

For sake of ladies,

Let's return to drawing room.

My son will cover twain.

Why do i do the dirty work?

Because your mother not here. Come, please.

Excuse me.

(thunder rumbling)

I'm getting a headache.

Can't we turn off that machine?

Maybe there's some gadget outside the window.

Sorry, it's raining this time.

Let's sort the facts.

It's now 12:30 a.M.

Doors and windows open at dawn.

One of us will be $1 million richer.

One will go to the gas chamber and hang.

One, monsieur? Why not two?

We all have associates.

Why not four or six or eight?

I don't trust any of you.

I'm not taking the fall, you understand?

Not even for me, sam?

Why don't you fall in love with the jap?

Get back to case, please.

Time is late, and my eyes are getting tired.

I thought they always looked like that.

Knock it off, sam!

This case is getting on my nerves.

I'm sorry, slanty.

Thank you. Now then, facts, please.

Mr. Twain predicts murder.

Also predicts victim at dining table.

Correct? Correct.

Sorry. This is official. Correct.

Also predicts time of murder

And number of stab wounds.

How can this be unless he in collaboration with murderer?

Maybe twain did it.

Murdered himself?

For what possible reason? And how?

The motive is simple. Ego.

If we couldn't solve this crime,

He would be named the world's foremost detective.

With his ego,

Having to die for it would seem a small price.

As to how,

Any man who can create these electronic marvels

Could devise a machine to stab himself in the back.

Wonderful, darling. Let's go to bed.

One moment, please.

Very interesting theory, mr. Charleston,

But you overlook one very important point.

What?

Is stupid.

Is most stupid theory i ever heard.

(chuckles)

Do you have a better one?

Oh, yes.

Much better one. I have been doing my homework.

For example, i have information

That your wife's portfolio of stocks

Was seriously depleted in latest financial crisis.

In short, you are broke, mr. Charleston.

You have been borrowing money at 17% interest from mr. Lionel twain.

Dickie, is this true?

I was waiting until your birthday.

$1 million would buy great many tight suits,

Would it not, mr. Charleston?

See here, wang. Dead broke, dickie?

Almost, darling. I have $1.17 and some stamps.

But i did not murder lionel twain.

You believe that, don't you, darling?

We'll talk. We'll see.

It could have been any one of you.

Each of us left that room, giving ample opportunity.

As for motives, there's more than ego and cash involved.

For example, revenge.

Meaning what, mr. Charleston?

I'm not the only one who's had experience with mr. Twain.

Did you know that he was once quite a ladies' man?

Are you suggesting that someone here...

Was once in love with lionel twain.

He was engaged to and jilted miss jessica marbles.

(exclaims in french)

Jesus h. Christ!

Jilted 54 years ago at the altar

In that same baggy tweed outfit.

Is this true, jessie? I was not jilted.

I walked out on him.

He wanted to fool around before the wedding.

Being the lady you are, you refused.

Not completely. But it got out of hand.

He was horrid, but i didn't kill him.

That's good enough for me.

What do you think, frenchie?

I'm not a frenchie. I'm a belgie.

As for other motives, how about patricide?

Killing one's own parent?

Lionel twain was the father of someone in this room?

Tess: He wasn't my father.

He was my uncle.

He was very good to me.

He would take me to the circus.

We stopped going when i was about 26.

I'm sorry, sam.

Twenty-six? What the hell kind of circus?

Forgive me.

I was talking about patricide, not unclecide.

Monsieur twain may have been your uncle, miss skeffington,

But he was the illegitimate father of monsieur sidney wang.

Is not true.

I was adopted.

I have my papers.

That's why i adopted all my children.

I was wondering.

Oh...

He love me very much,

But he was not very observant.

When i was 19,

He called me to his study,

Noticed for first time i was oriental,

And kicked me out of house. I could have...

Killed him, monsieur wang.

As easily as you, mr. Perrier.

Lionel twain killed the only thing you ever loved,

Marie-louise cartier.

(whimpering)

Your sweetheart?

My poodle.

He was a most cruel man.

Monsieur twain came to france every season.

To hunt poodles.

When they brought me her bloodied sequined collar,

I vowed i would...

Knock him off? Yes. Gladly, if i could.

But i did not.

Someone here beat me to it.

So there's more than one reason we was invited.

Twain was testing our skills as detectives,

And we all have motives for doing him in.

Have not yet heard your motive, mr. Diamond.

My motive is unimportant.

Let's just say i hated him enough to kill him.

You are closed man, mr. Diamond.

You hide many things.

Could it be that mr. Twain discover your secret?

I don't know what you're talking about.

We know different, do we not, miss skeffington?

Twain met sam in a gay bar.

I was working on a case. Working!

Every night for six months?

For 50 bucks a day and expenses.

I hate them queeries.

Twain had polaroid pictures of sam in drag.

I was in disguise.

Lots of dames go in those joints.

I never kissed nobody.

I never did nothing to a man that i wouldn't do to a woman.

And i never killed twain.

Bitch.

Most interesting.

All had perfect motives for killing twain.

Wonder which one was one who done it.

We still have the night to get through.

If anyone is going to solve this case,

I say we all get a good night's sleep.

I suggest we all lock our doors.

One of us is a mad killer,

Not to be trusted.

(thunder rumbling)

(door locks)

Pop?

Yeah?

Who do you think is the murderer?

Must sleep on it.

Will know in morning when wake up.

What if you don't wake up?

Then you did it.

Go sleep, please.

Good night, dad.

Should have adopted pussycat.

(hissing)

Should i turn off the steam, pop?

(hissing continues)

Not steam.

Someone just put deadly snake in room.

Wake me when it come near bed.

Dickie, darling, if you're the murderer,

I'll still love you.

It wouldn't be right for us to make love,

But i'd still love you.

No fear of that. Let's see what we have...

One missing, dead, naked butler,

One host with a knife in his back

And one poisonous scorpion crawling up our sheets.

Dora: Is that what that is?

Yes. They can kill instantly.

I suggest we don't move.

For how long?

Possibly the rest of our lives.

Good heavens! I know who it is!

Solvey-poo?

Yes, miss withers.

The murderer is...

Good god! Gas!

I'm sorry. I can't help it. I'm old.

No, the other kind of gas.

The kind that kills!

Sometimes my gas...

It's coming in through the vent.

(coughing)

It's locked from the outside.

Help!

It doesn't smell that bad to me.

Help!

Did i do right, sam, telling them about the gay bar?

Perfect.

They took the bait like a dumb halibut.

Let them think i'm a pansy.

While they're suspecting me,

One of them will let his pants down.

Sam, why do you keep naked muscle-man magazines?

Suspects. Always looking for suspects.

(ticking)

What's that ticking sound i hear?

"it is a bomb in your room

"that will go off in 30 seconds." signed, "the murderer."

Quick, sam, the door!

"p.S. The door is locked."

I'm sorry about this, tess.

And me owing you all that money, too.

That's okay. What can we do?

I got an idea. I don't know whether this will work.

Quick! Turn around! I'm turned, sam.

Whatever happens, don't turn back.

But, sam, if anything...

Do as i say! I will, sam.

Good, because i think i'm gonna cry.

(sam sobbing)

(humming)

What are you doing here?

There's no place else to sleep.

Sleep in the car, you chauffeur. Go, go!

You aren't fair.

I will tell everyone about your toupee.

They already know.

Then why wear it?

I didn't know you knew.

Certainly i know.

It's a terrible toupee.

(explosion)

A bomb across the hall!

Quickly. The door! The door!

It's locked from the outside.

You look taller to me. Why is that?

I don't understand. I'm not getting taller.

If you aren't getting taller,

There is only one alternative.

The room is getting shorter.

(exclaims in french)

The ceiling is coming down!

(shrieking)

What will we do? I don't know.

But this is how they make goose liver pate.

(screaming)

Not so fast, please.

Do not cross out wang name.

Cross out snake instead.

Nice shot, pop.

Sure wish i weren't such a heavy sleeper.

And now,

If you please,

$1 million, mr. Bensonmum.

Banzai, pop!

Very clever of you, mr. Wang.

Oh, yes. As you can see, i can see.

So i see.

Tell me, how did you deduce it was me?

Went back to theory seldom used today.

Butler did it.

I hadn't thought of that.

How do you account for my body in the kitchen?

Body made of plastic, same as plastic cook.

While we examine plastic butler,

You murder lionel twain.

You're a clever little laundryman, mr. Wang.

But not quite clever enough!

I'll take that $1 million,

Bensonmum, alias irving goldman.

Irving goldman?

Yes. Irving goldman was the attorney of the late lionel twain.

Lionel twain died five years ago.

His body was recently found in goldman's filing cabinet.

Am i correct, mr. Goldman?

Yeah. Correct, miss marbles.

But how did you escape the poison gas?

Quite simple. I covered my mouth

And let miss withers breathe in the gas.

Sicky-poo.

Yes, dear, i know.

The million dollars, please.

I wouldn't, goldman. Or is it goldman?

Actually, it's mr. Marvin metzler.

Marvin metzler?

Very good, mr. Charleston,

But how did you know?

The bill in the dead butler's hand

Said the entire weekend was catered.

Only an accountant would save that.

Get the money. Let's go. In a moment, darling.

Goldman died last month while skiing.

He jumped 200 feet into a low-flying plane.

I can't wait much longer.

You've not lost your touch, mr. Charleston,

But how did you elude the deadly scorpion?

We didn't. He stung dora.

We've 15 minutes to get help.

Explain later, dickie. We'll make it, darling. Never fear.

The money, mr. Metzler?

Perrier: Belongs to me, monsieur!

Marcel is one of the world's strongest men.

He stopped your ceiling from crushing us at 4'5".

It may be months before we straighten up again,

But $1 million will buy a lot of back braces.

Right, miss irene twain,

Daughter of lionel?

What?

I prefer to be called rita.

How did you know?

Never underestimate a frenchman's nostrils, miss twain.

At dinner tonight, i smelled your chanel no. 5.

It was you who did away with all of them!

Metzler, goldman and your father.

In fact, if you had your way,

You'd like to do away with all men,

Wouldn't you, miss twain?

Men have made you ashamed and made you suffer

Because you were born with brains, talent, money,

Everything but what you most desired,

Beauty.

Miss twain, as a man, you are barely passable,

But as a woman,

You are a dog.

That's your opinion, big boy.

And now my money, please.

With luck, i can still arrive at maxim's in time for dinner.

Sam: Just order a tuna sandwich!

That dough belongs to me.

I'm alive and kicking.

Miss skeffington dropped your bomb down the toilet.

It exploded as she flushed.

The seat barely missed her head.

(coughing)

I'm all right, j.J.

J.J.?

That's right, folks. He outsmarted us all.

The real sam diamond is behind that desk.

My name is loomis, j.J. Loomis. I'm an actor.

I do impressions.

I've done the carson show six times.

Diamond hired me for the weekend.

Miss skeffington is vilma norman,

A cocktail waitress at the waterbed motel.

Hi. Hello.

Diamond hated all of you. You all earned big money.

Diamond had that crummy san francisco office.

If he proved he was best, he'd get your rich clients.

But since i figured it out,

I figure that money belongs to me.

Isn't that right, mr. Diamond?

Wrong.

That would have been too obvious.

My dear colleagues, what you all seem to overlook

Is the most simple solution.

I am indeed

Lionel twain.

(all gasp)

You've all been so clever for so long,

You've forgotten to be humble.

You've tricked and fooled your readers for years.

You've tortured us with surprise endings that made no sense.

You've introduced characters in the last chapter

That weren't in the book before.

You've left out clues and information

That we needed to guess who did it.

But now the tables are turned.

Millions of angry mystery readers

Are now getting their revenge.

When the world learns i've outsmarted you,

They'll be selling your $1.95 books for 12 cents.

It's check-out time, ladies and gentlemen.

I have your bills ready.

Credit cards will be accepted.

The scorpion was a fake?

Everything. The bridge, the maid.

You're sure about the scorpion?

Positive. Even the fog.

He made the fog with dry ice. Look.

How awfully unromantic!

If he was lionel twain,

You must really be sam diamond.

Right.

I was in disguise, in disguise, in disguise.

You work hard in this racket.

Will we be seeing each other again?

Well, that depends. I'll be around if you need me.

All you got to do is whistle.

You do know how to whistle?

Certainly. What do you mean?

Never mind. You ruined it.

I don't understand. Was there a murder?

Yes. Killed good weekend.

Drive, please.

(laughing)