Original subtitles

FetallicA

I can't believe the show starts in half an hour

and Achmed's late.

Maybe he drowned trying

to visit Bin Laden's grave.

Security.

That's my name.

Don't wear it out.

Bubba J?

Yeah. Well, gotta go. Beer break.

Wait. Achmed's late. Keep an eye out for him.

Which eye?

Where could he be?

He went from dead terrorist

to Hollywood diva.

I'm telling you,

the fame went to his skull.

Achmed? No way.

Huh?

Ah.

Achmed's here.

I'll go park his car, since there's

no law against drunk parking.

Thanks, Bubba J. Good job.

Whoa. Is that a hybrid?

It's the AchmedMobile, you idiot.

Just be careful parking it or I keel you.

Didn't hurt.

And whatever you do,

don't touch the red button.

Got it. Touch the red button.

Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage,

Jeff Dunham!

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Ladi and gentlemen, it's absolutely great to be here

in lovely Richmond, Virginia.

And, you know, we--

I've been doing this show all over the country,

just having a blast here, there and everywhere.

The fans are great.

But we've also been taking my show around the world.

We've been doing shows in South Africa, Australia,

three tours of Europe and the U.K.

Now they're talking about taking me to China.

Wha-What?

How am I going to do my show in China?

All I know is, if I do do my show in China,

there's a big chunk of my act I'm going to have to leave out.77

You'll recognize it when I do it here this evening.

But it is interesting going to some of these foreign countries

and doing press interviews, because some of the reporters

have done their homework and care,

others just don't.

For example, I was in London talking to a guy

and he was like,

All right, so ventriloquism--

have you eliminated every other possibility of employment?

And I have to go, -No, this is what I've done my entire life.-

I've never wanted to do anything else.

I started very young.

I was eight years old, I was in the third grade,

Christmas, 1970.

Got my first dummy.

There's Mom and Dad and me under the tree right there.

You can see how proud my father is.

But for years I'd look at that picture

and I'd think, why does he have that expression on his face?

And then if finally hit me, duh, look where the dummy's hand is.

So...

Yeah, that's creepy.

So I started doing shows very early.

All the way through elementary school, junior high,

high school, college.

And this is what I wanted to do.

This was the future I saw.

I saw it.

There were a few people that didn't see it.

For example, girlfriends.

They'd realize I was sincere

about wanting to talk to dummies the rest of my life

and they would dump me immediately.

I couldn't see what they saw until a few months ago.

I was sitting down with my three daughters,

and we were looking at the yearbooks

from my junior high and high school years.

My daughters were horrified.

Why? Let me explain.

I started getting paid for doing my shows in the seventh grade.

And I knew that if I was going to be

a professional ventriloquist, I needed a professional photo.

Now, my parents were supportive,

but they weren't going to shell out the cash for that.

So I thought, how am I going to get a professional picture

of me and the dummy taken?

And then it finally hit me-- school picture day.

Don't believe me? There's seventh grade right there.

There it is.

Look at that. That is Justin Bieber hair, damn it.

So ninth grade came along and I decided to do the same thing.

This was the bicentennial year in our country-- 1976.

I was a patriotic lad,

but I didn't want to dress like Uncle Sam.

No, apparently I wanted to dress like

a Fourth of July picnic table cover.

You know, the funniest thing to me

about that photo is the fact that I have braces.

Why is that funny? Well, the rest of my life

I'm going to be talking with my mouth shut,

so what's the point?

I know most of you look at these photos and think,

this is the saddest human being we've ever met.

Did he have any friends?

Yes, I did.

Here we are sitting in my bedroom one day.

So now I had about 15 minutes in my show.

I knew I wanted to add something else-- some variety.

I thought, music? Yes. Something cool.

Rock and roll guitar?

No, something cooler. I'll play the trombone.

There is so much wrong here, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's start with the least obvious,

and that's my dummy up in the corner

listening to me play the trombone, but...

Now let's talk about fashion, shall we?

How did my mother even let me out of the house?

And this wasn't some accident on a Saturday morning

where I accidentally threw on the wrong clothes.

This was an outfit I wore to school regularly.

I don't know why I didn't get beat up on a regular basis.

I must have gone to the store and said,

-Do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves?-

This next photograph--

I don't remember how it happened.

All I know is that we went to the professional portrait studio

and this was the family portrait that hung in our living room

this big, for years.

You know, maybe... (laughing)

And the weird part is my parents had family and friends over

for parties a lot.

And this was hanging right there in plain view.

No one ever said anything.

They must have thought, -Well, the food's good.

Let's go to the mentally ill people's house.-

And now it's time to move on to college

and the intellectual years.

I don't even, I don't even know why.

You know, the photographer should have

just fallen over laughing. I don't...

I looked like Sherlock Holmes with a dummy.

I don't know what that is.

You know, I love my parents very much,

and they have been married for 56 years now.

(audience cheering)

And they are a perfect example of how a marriage can work.

On the other hand, I've recently gone through something

that I never thought I'd go through, never considered it,

never even thought it a possibility.

I'm recently divorced.

I'm a single father now,

but I always try and look for the silver lining

in the dark clouds, and one of the silver linings

about getting divorced is that I got to pick out my own house

because someone else has the other house now.

As for my act, there's an old guy,

who long before I got married, warned me of the institution.

And now I guess he can say, "I told you so."

Ladies and gentlemen,

please help me welcome my oldriend Walter.

(audience cheering)

Holy crap, will you shut the hell up?!

You, too.

Are you all right?

No! What's wrong?

I'm pissed.

Why? I have no idea.

Well, have you ever thought about being happy?

Yeah. What happened?

It pissed me off.

What would happen if you were happy?

Your show would suck.

You know, Walter, just once

I think you should try being happy.

See? What the hell is wrong with you?

When I call you an idiot, and you smile,

like I gave you cake.

Do you want to be in a good mood?

Not if I'd look like a moron like you, no, thank you.

I've seen you walk by perfect strangers

and go, "Oh, hello. How are you?

Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

So?

That makes mothers hide their children from you.

You don't think I should be nice to strangers?

You know, even dogs sniff (bleep) first.

Well, I'm just happy to be here tonight.

Not in the winter. Holy crap.

I don't know. I hate being cold.

I even got cold in Vegas last week.

Oh, Vegas, yeah. You took your wife there.

Oh, yeah. You know, Vegas has become

a great vacation spot for families.

Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

That makes sense. Take the family to Vegas.

Yeah.

'Cause kids love whores.

-Look, Mommy, there's a place with poles

like where you used to work.-

So, Walter, you been doing anything fun

since we got here?

Uh, yeah. What did I do today?

I did something fun. What?

I signed up Achmed to be an organ donor.

Oh, that's funny as hell right there.

I'm getting sick of that guy.

I think all this fame is going to his head. Why?

He's been doing all the typical Hollywood stuff.

Like what? He's been dating a goat half his age.

Oh, yeah, an actual goat.

He even got her fake teats.

Oh, yeah, all six of 'em.

Walter, a goat only has two.

How sick is it that you actually know that?

What, are you so lonely now,

you're checking out barnyard animals?

You know, they're called "petting zoos,

not "heavy petting zoos.

Come on. What's her name?

Ma-a-argaret. Will you...?!

Can we change the subject?

Sur-ur-ure.

I'll change the subject, all right.

I heard you talking about something

you hadn't really discussed onstage yet.

Right. Okay.

So you're talking about the divorce now. Yeah.

All those years of being married,

and now it's over.

Yeah.

So, all those years of raising the girls,

and now the family's broken up.

Right.

So, no more marriage? Nope.

No more wife. No.

What's it like?!

Oh, please let me live vicariously through you!

Walter, divorce is not a good thing.

Oh, you can't lie to me,

So what happened?

What happened, Walter, is that, unfortunately,

in our country these days,

more than 50% of marriages now end in divorce,

and sadly, mine was on that side of things.

You know, Jeff, I never thought

I'd say this to you, but you're my hero!

Come on. What's it like

to wake up in the morning and not hate your life?

To not think, -Uh-oh, here she comes!-

Ugh!

You can leave your toilet seat up all the time!

I'd hot-glue mine open, for God's sakes...

and then in the backyard.

Just because I could.

Walter, divorce is painful.

Oh, yeah, like a deep-tissue massage.

So how long's it been?

Almost three years now.

Oh, okay. So, you dating anybody now?

Matter of fact, I am.

Oh, good. Female?

Well, you never know.

Sometimes that's the problem.

-Honey, I got bad news and I got good news.

-Bad news is, I want a divorce.

Good news is, I'm on your team now!-

Come on, let's knit, Mitch!

So this girl you're dating, is she the same age as you?

No. Oh. So she's older.

No. Younger.

Yes. How much younger?

It doesn't matter. Yes, it does.

Come on. Does she have nice boobs?

That don't hang down past her knees?

Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro?

Can you tie 'em in a knot?

Can you tie 'em in a bow?

Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder

Like a Continental soldier?

Do your... All right!

Where do you hear a song like that?

I didn't hear it, I wrote it, dumb(bleep).

Bet you never sung it to your wife.

Every morning!

That's not funny.

Oh, even the dog laughs at that.

That last part was me. I know.

You know, I saw an old photo of you and your wife.

Your wife's quite beautiful.

You saw an old photo.

Yeah, I'm kidding, I know.

I married a petite, young, beautiful thing.

Yeah. She was eventually eaten

by the woman I live with now.

Hey, hey, hey!

You're just flat-out saying your wife's overweight.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

She's under-tall.

Have you ever had a weight problem?

Only when she sat on me. Will you...?

Aah!

Get off of me!

Actually, it's more like this:

(imitating an echo) Hello? ...o...o...o...

It's dark in here! ...here...ere...ere...

I found your keys! ...keys...keys...keys...

I am not kidding.

Then she farted and unlocked the car doors.

What does your wife think when you do things like this?

I don't care.

Well, I know you care enough about your wife

to take her on some of these trips. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she loves going on these trips.

I know she loves window shopping.

Not in Amsterdam, she didn't.

Ha! Because in Amsterdam,

there's hookers in the windows!

I love that city. Did you know that in Amsterdam,

you can legally purchase marijuana?

I, uh... yeah...

I did know that.

Do you know where? Coffeehouses.

Coffeehouses!

It's my favorite coffee place ever!

I'd like a latte and a doobie.

And 19 dozen donuts, thank you.

Not long after that, we went to the UK.

You enjoyed it there. Yeah.

Did you like the city of London?

I don't know, I got confused one day

standing in our hotel lobby. Why?

Some big old black guy walked in to me

and started speaking English with a British accent.

I thought I was in the Twilight Zone.

I swear, some big old black guy walks up to me and goes,

(posh British accent): -Oh, good afternoon, sir!-

I'm like, who the hell is making you talk? What the hell?

Then we went to Ireland.

I got all confused there. Why?

Everybody's last name starts with -O.-

O'Malley, O'Shea.

I think I know a black Irish guy. Who's that?

O'Bama.

I don't think Obama's Irish.

Maybe he's half-Irish, half-African American.

I can't wait to meet him.

I'm going to walk up and go,

-Hey, top of the morning to you there, dawg.-

-How's your health care hangin', yo-yo?-

-Hey, that last election was a bee-yotch.-

Say good night, Walter. Thank you.

That's Walter. There we go.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

there is a terrorist amongst us.

And I don't know how it's gotten to the point

that I can actually give this introduction, but here it is.

Please help me welcome

the most beloved terrorist throughout the world--

Achmed the dead terrorist.

Greetings, infidels!

And for the folks who might not know, Achmed,

you are a suicide bomber.

Yes, I am.

Don't stand too close.

And I think a lot of us might like to know

how you feel about the death of Osama.

I didn't do it.

(laughter)

I didn't say you did.

Oh, right. Yeah, uh-huh.

All right, yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute.

Did you have something to do with it?

Yeah... No!

Yes... No, no, no... no!

That Navy SEAL training was just for laughs.

Wait a minute, you trained as a Navy SEAL?

No... Ye... No! No!

How did you know?

Who said anything about Navy SEALS?

I'm just a simple little terrorist.

Stop interrogating me! Damn it, you're good at this!

You're not going to tell anyone, right?

Tell them what?

Oh, thank you.

I will tell you what I do know, though.

What's that?

When Bin Laden died,

there were no 72 virgins waiting for him.

No?

No. It was some kind of misunderstanding.

Turned out, it was one 72-year-old virgin.

Osama is stuck forever with Bea Arthur.

And Osama and I agree that that 72 virgin thing

is highly overrated.

How's that?

Who wants to hear this 72 times?

-Ooh, ow, oh! Boo-hoo-hoo!

You're gonna call me, right?-

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. You communicate with Osama?

Of course. How?

On Face-Shot-Off-Book.

So...

So, where... where exactly is he?

Well, he won't say, but I'm pretty sure it's Hell.

Why do you say that?

Well, they get cable, but they only get one channel.

What? The Oprah Winfrey Network.

Wait a minute.

Come on, Achmed, a lot of people

love Oprah.

Were you ever on her show?

No. She doesn't love you.

And also I know why

they would not show the photo of dead Osama.

Why is that?

It's a little hard to explain,

but when he was killed, he was dressed up like Cher.

Well, since he's dead,

do you think they're going to come after you now?

Wait, what?

Well, you're a terrorist.

Yeah, but I suck at it.

You know, the military has the deck of cards

of the 52 most wanted terrorists.

Are you one of those?

Yeah, but I'm in the Go-Fish deck.

Well, what did you think about them burying him at sea?

I think it's cool

that he could end up anywhere.

What do you mean?

That is one episode of SpongeBob I got to see.

I wrote that. I keel me.

Achmed, since you're clearly a terrorist,

are you Muslim?

No. Scientologist.

But you used to be Muslim?

No. Look at me.

I'm too extreme.

I was Catholic.

Really?

And Methodist... What?

Buddhist... What?

And Baptist... What?

And Capricorn. Wait a minute.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to offend as many infidels as possible.

And speaking of offending,

do you know what that idiot Peanut did to me?

What?

He stole my ShamWow.

It's not funny!

Silence!

Wait for it.

I keel you!

That's fantastic.

Let's do it together. One, two, three...

ALL: I keel you!

They're talking to you.

So, Achmed, are you enjoying Richmond?

Oh, I love the nightlife here.

Uh, what part of the nightlife?

They have live sex shows.

Really? Where?

In the hotel room right next to mine.

What?

That's my room.

Next time you should get a partner.

Can we talk about something else?

I'm trying to throw up,

but I don't have a stomach.

So, look, Walter and I

were talking earlier,

and you've gotten pretty famous now lately, haven't you?

Oh, yes.

And I think very soon,

I'm going to need my own posse.

That's with an -O.-

Po-o-o-sse.

P-P-oo...

..osse.

Posse.

Why are you explaining that?

In Amsterdam, they thought I said something else.

I don't even like cats.

How am I doing that with no lips?

That's what she said.

I can't believe you did that.

That's what she said.

Will you stop it?

That's what she said!

I don't like this.

That's what she said!

How long is this?

That's what she said!

Think about it.

So you were talking to Walter earlier?

Damn it!

Yes, and I said,

-I'm going to call you my bee-yotch.-

That means -bitch.-

I know that.

I'm sorry.

I'd been watching Pimp My Camel.

eem like you've been in a pretty good mood lately.

Do you know why?

No. Because like Santa Claus,

I have been making a list of people

to kill twice.

Santa doesn't kill people.

He does if he's Terror Claus.

Terror Claus? I've never heard of him.

Oh...

He kills you when you're sleeping

He chokes you when you wake

He knows if you are Catholic or Jew

So denounce your infidel faith.

That's terrible.

But catchy!

Have you heard of the Terror Bunny?

No. He hides Easter bombs.

Look, Mommy.

That's even worse.

I know. Thank you for noticing.

What do you want, more stinking knock-knock jokes?

That might be better.

Okay. Knock-knock. Who's there?

Me. I keel you again.

You're such an idiot.

You keep answering the door!

Where I am from,

the game we teach our children is,

when someone says, -Knock-knock,-

you shut (bleep) and hide.

So, Achmed, did your parents have much

to do with what you do now?

Well, uh, I guess so.

My father was a suicide bomber.

Oh, so you guys are a lot alike?

Well, I have his eyes.

In a box.

And I like to hide them wherever Walter is sleeping.

That way, when he wakes up,

it scares the crap out of him.

You son of a bitch,

I'll kick your ass right now!

Is that case locked from the outside?

Yeah. Why?

'Cause he still scares the crap out of me!

So, Achmed, do you have

any good memories of your father?

Uh, for my eighth birthday,

he got me a puppy. That's good.

No, it turned into a disaster. Why?

Because sometimes my father was

a very confused man,

and that day my mother told him

to go outside and blow up some party balloons. Yeah?

And that's how I got a dog with no legs.

You had a dog with no legs?

Yeah, he was great.

I had him for many years.

Oh. So what'd you call him?

Seriously?

Seriously.

What?

I had a dog with no legs.

What did you call him?

Seriously?

Okay, you're a comedian, right?

Yeah.

I had a dog

with no legs.

Ask me again.

What'd you call him?

I didn't call him anything because he could never come.

It's not funny!

Achmed, that's, that's, like, the oldest joke ever.

Yes, but in my case, it was true.

Aw...

Thanks.

Could he do any tricks?

He could roll over.

It not funny because if there is any kind of an incline,

he couldn't stop himself!

He looked like a runaway can of pinto beans

rolling down a hill.

It was the only time I ever saw a cat actually laugh.

Meow.

Meow. Meow.

Mw. Meow.

What was that?

I killed the cat.

So, Achmed, when did you know you wanted

to be a suicide bomber?

After talking to my guidance counselor.

Your guidance counselor?

In high school. High school?

Al Qaeda High.

Al Qaeda High?

Oh...

All hail to the Al Qaeda High

We blow up, then we die.

Everybody!

Wait, wait, wait. This is your high school?

Who was your mascot?

The next guy on the list.

Oh, it was, like,

Go, team!

Next.

So how were the cheerleaders at your school?

Oh, we didn't even have girls.

No girls?

No. But for some reason, we had a girls' restroom.

I see.

And one day, Omar and I snuck in there to explore.

The girls' restroom? Uh-huh.

And what'd you find?

A couple of strange and wonderful things.

Like what?

Well, we found a machine.

And if you put two shekels in it,

a small missile would come out.

A missile? Well, I think it was.

It had a little white fuse.

And it must have been a very special missile,

because it was lightly scented.

And then you could put two shekels in the other machine

and get the bonus accuracy package.

What? It had wings.

And you used these missiles?

With confidence.

Really? Always.

Achmed, I've never heard of anything like this before.

Ooh, do not lie to me, infidel.

I've been to your house,

I've seen in your cabinets and drawers,

many of these missiles hidden away.

It looks as though you are preparing for war.

Every four weeks, it feels like that, I'd say so.

So your soldiers have synchronized their time clocks.

You could say that.

Well, good luck in your battles, my friend. Thank you.

I fear there will be much bloodshed.

What are the infidels laughing at now?

I'll explain it to you later.

I keel you!

, I have a surprise to share with you tonight.

You're going in the closet?

No, and by the way, the, the,

the phrase is -coming out of the closet.-

Oh, congratulations!

No, I'm not coming out of the closet.

You're going to continue to hide the truth?

I'm not hiding in anything.

So everyone knows now? Congratulations!

Achmed, I have a girlfriend.

(gasps) Does she know?

Maybe she will like this one guy.

There is no one guy.

Then there are many guys?

You are a whore.

Now, you should be stoned.

Achmed... What would your mother say?

I'm not a whore.

Of course your mother would say she's not a whore.

I'm straight.

Straight, crooked, we do not need

to know such graphic details.

I mean, I have a girlfriend.

Not for long.

Not when she finds out about your many boyfriends.

Whore!

Will you please listen to what I'm saying?

I do not talk to whores.

You are dead to me.

You're dead to all of us.

So, Achmed... I'm not listening!

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Achmed, there's someone here I want you to meet.

One of your whore boyfriends?

I think not!

No, I think this is someone you would like to see.

Is it a woman?

No.

I already have a goat.

This is a surprise guest.

Ryan Seacrest?

Nope. Damn it!

Look. What I want you to do is, I just want you

to look over there while I'm getting him out,

so you won't peek. Okay.

Just look over there. O... wait a minute.

When I'm not looking, are you going to keel me?

No. That's actually a good way of doing it, you know.

Kinda old-school, but effective.

It's like "Hey, look at that!" Aaah...

No, just look over there, and don't look back until I say so.

Okay, whever. This is kind of like Christmas, huh? Yeah.

Just look over there. Okay.

And don't peek. Okay.

Right. Not gonna peek. Just stay over here.

Now? No!

Okay!

Who the hell is that?

Hello, Father.

It's your son, Achmed Junior.

AJ?

That's right.

Wait... I thought you were dead!

Surprise.

This is great.

Hey! What happened to your face?

Oh, yeah. My bad.

Achmed, he's your son. Look at him. What do you see?

Well, he does have my eye.

Actually, I do. Yes, I do.

Why do you sound like Elton John?

When you were separated after the accident,

he was raised in England.

Did my mum miss me?

Uh... yeah. I don't know. What the hell.

How do you not know?

Oops.

What's wrong with your leg?

Nothing!

What's wrong with my leg?

I don't know.

Can you fix this? No, I don't think so.

Damn it.

Don't look at me. Sorry.

Um, we're going to get Marnel to help us.

What? Marnel, he works for me.

I know Mar, Mar, Marnel!

Come fix my leg!

Thanks.

He's kind of cute.

Okay, moving on!

Wait a minute. How do you not know who his mother is?

I had 46 wives, you idiot.

They all dressed the same, and their faces were covered.

How'd you tell them apart?

The numbers on their backs.

That's terrible.

I know, Mother's Day is a bitch.

And so are most of the mothers.

That's not funny at all.

-Atall-? Who is -Atall-?

Was she your mother? I don't remember

a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you.

Bulgy-eyed? Well, look at him.

Well, you're not exactly squinting.

At least my face is balanced.

You manage to look asleep and terrified all at the same time.

Achmed, he's your son. Well, the apple

doesn't fall far from the tree,

and apparently this one got run over by a (bleep) lawnmower.

You caused the accident.

Accident? It was a huge explosion,

with great fire and destruction.

You didn't mean for it to happen. I did, too!

You did not! No, li... Oh, (bleep).

Marnel!

Son of a bitch!

Are you talking to me now?

Fix it right, or I kick your ass.

Marnel!

Come back!

My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you (bleep).

He can fix my pelvis anytime.

Shut up! Okay, look.

Okay, look. So the explosion you were talking about,

how did it happen?

Very precise and careful planning.

Not exactly. I said shut up!

What happened? Nothing.

He was putting gasoline in his scooter.

So why was there an explosion?

happens.

He was using his cell phone.

Really? What?

While putting gas in your scooter.

You know that's dangerous.

Well, it was your mother who called.

Really? I don't know.

What was her name? 42.

And you guys haven't had any contact since?

Not much. He's a bad son. I am not.

Tell him what you sent me for my birthday.

It was an honest mistake.

What'd you send him?

He sent me a bottle of skin lotion.

He made it worse. What'd you do?

I sent him back half a bottle.

You know, maybe you should try and patch things up.

Looks like he needs more than a (bleep) patch.

But I'm here for a reason.

What, a skin graft? Sorry, I'm all out.

Marnel!

Come fix my leg!

Get duct tape, you

He actually brought duct tape.

He's kinky, too.

Shut up!

So, Achmed, do you know why AJ is here?

Well... Wait a minute.

This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it?

That bitch!

Whichever one she was. No, that's not...

This is bad,

'cause I've seen the crap that you're going through

and I don't know how you can afford even a T-shirt.

Thank you.

Did I say that just how you wrote it?

(laughter)

Yes. Thank you.

Okay. Good luck with the judge.

I hope he's fair.

Actually the judge is a woman.

You're .

Okay, listen, you...

Achmed, you're getting hostile.

Of course I'm getting hostile.

I'm a terrorist, you idiot.

You piss me off, I keel you.

Would that really solve anything?

Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.

Okay...

I have nothing in common with my own son.

Well, just talk to him. How?

I don't know, like you would anybody.

Okay, W.T.F.

O.M.G.

I mean O.M.A.

And you have no idea why he's here?

To start his training as a terrorist. No, Father,

that's just it-- I don't want to be a terrorist.

But I want you to be just like me.

Well, I'm not, and I won't be.

Achmed, can you accept that?

I guess I can try.

And, AJ, what if he doesn't accept it?

I keel you.

That's my boy!

He's purple, he's wacky, he's been around for a while.

Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut!

How you doing, Peanut?

Doing pretty good. How about you? I'm fine.

That's good, that's good, that's goo-ood.

Wow. You like it here?

I love it here.

It's beautiful. It's sold out.

The place is paid for.

We must be on an Indian reservation.

And these are all Indians.

Look, Peanut, first of all,

the more politically correct term these days is Native American.

Oh, yeah.

I certainly wouldn't want to piss 'em off.

They could try and scalp me, but all they'd get

is a fishing lure.

I guess that is a little less confusing of a term, though.

What? Native American.

Why? 'Cause when you say Indian,

you don't know which one the hell they're talking about.

What? Is it the ones that go...

Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya.

or the ones that go...

(Indian accent): Thank you for calling customer support.

But in this case, I'm talking about the ones that go...

Hy-ya. hy-ya, hy-ya.

Hy-ya, hy-ya.

Hy-ya, hy-ya... how.

Do you know what that chant means?

No, but I think it means,

I forgot the words, hy-ya, hy-ya.

You know, we have plenty of Native Americans here this evening.

Oh, goody. Let's play craps.

What? They've got the reservations and the casinos

and making millions of dollars every day hand over fist.

They're laughing all the way to the bank.

Oh, that's what it is-- they're laughing.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

All right, Peanut, time to introduce the next guy.

Oh, dude, does he have to come out here?

Why not?

He's a talking jalape�o!

Go ahead.

On a stick-k!

So?

How random is that?

Well, Jos�, has been in our act for years.

I know. And when folks see us,

do you know when

they say the best time to watch Jos� is?

When? When they're drunk off their asses.

In fact, isn't that how you came up with him in the first place?

I don't know.

But I do know that's when

I came up with you.

You jerk!

Just introduce him.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is Jos� Jalape�o on a Stick!

Good evening, Jos�.

Hola, Se�or Jeff.

How are hue...? Whoops.

What the hell was that?

Were you trying to say, -How are you?-

and it came out, -Haa-a-ah?-

Why is that we speak perfectly and you (bleep) up?

I don't know.

Would you like me to help you?

I'm fine. Come on. Follow me

one word at a time. No.

Come on. Just do it.

Do it!

Okay. Okay.

How... How...

are... are...

you-you? you-you?

Good-good. Good-good.

All right. All right.

How are you, Jos�?

I don't know. It took too long.

Actually, I'm excited, se�or.

Why are you excited, Jos�?

Probably 'cause you're holding his stick.

Do you have to do jokes like that?

It's just weird to me that in front of everyone,

you're holding Jos�'s stick-k.

Any suggestions?

You should at least

take him out to dinner first.

It's just a stick.

Maybe it's actually a handle.

A handle?

Yeah, you could use Jos� as a weapon.

To hit with? Yes!

I want to go back in the box.

No, this is awesome! "What happened to Frank?"

-He got whacked by a jalape�o.-

On a stick. Yes!

Think about it.

You'd be wielding a Mexican whacker.

On a stick. Yes!

Look, you know how Batman had his sidekick Robin

and one of their weapons was a batarang?

Yes, of course.

Oh, dude.

What?

You just showed your geek.

And it smells like loser.

You're not a loser, se�or.

Thank you, Jos�.

Suck-up.

Muppet reject.

Hey, he can drop you,

and then I'll throw down a couple avocados.

and we got guacamole!

I could still burn your ass.

Good point.

All right.

Look... Wait!

The Batman thing just made me think of something.

What? If this comedy business doesn't work out for you,

Yeah? you can be a crime fighter.

A crime fighter?

Yes. You could be Dunham Man...

with Jos�, your trusty sidestick.

I see. So you're saying I would be a superhero.

Mm, ...ish.

-Ish-? It this like Jewish?

No, Jos�, you're not Jewish 'cause then you wouldn't be

Jos� Jalape�o. You'd be Hymie Jalape�o.

On a Bagel.

Where would you hold him, then?

In the hole.

I am not touching that.

No, you probably never have.

Okay.

This sucks!

So we're a crime-fighting team, se�or? Yes!

What kind of crime do we fight?

Illegal aliens.

I think there's a conflict of interest.

Look, so you find the illegals, whack 'em on the head with Jos�,

and every time Jos� hits someone, he yells...

Ol�. Yes!

Pretty cool, huh?

I guess so.

But, um, do I get a costume?

What?

Anything from those earlier photos.

I'd go with the red shorts, se�or.

Yeah, then you'd be Ugly-Ass Crackerman.

Okay, look, for this crimefighting thing,

how's Jos� gonna dress?

Well, he needs a disguise.

Is difficult to hide a big stick.

I'm not saying anything.

Of course not. You're still holding it.

Jos�, I don't know how you put up with this.

I have nowhere else to go, se�or. What?

He was evicted.

What? Evicted.

Really? Yep. S�.

You were evicted? S�.

Why didn't you come to my house?

JOSE: Ask Peanut.

Why didn't he come to my house?

We told him you loved eating Mexican food!

I was afraid for my life.

So where'd you take him?

Taco Bell!

That was really mean.

I know!

Hey, look. What about moving all of Jos�'s stuff?

Achmed tried to rent a truck.

No bueno.

So did Walter help?

He couldn't because of his war injury.

Walter has a war injury?

Yeah, he strained his thumb playing Call of Duty: Black Ops.

So you and Achmed did everything.

Yep. Jos� didn't lift a finger.

'Cause he doesn't have any!

Hey, ever met Jos�'s sister?

Don't do it. She's really hot.

I'm just kidding, Jos�.

I know. You're more into fruit.

Hey! Hang on, you guys.

No, you hang on. What?

Why are you laughing at him?

'Cause he's funny.

Oh, he is, is he? I know what you're doing.

I'm not doing anything.

You're giving Jos� the better insults.

I'm just listening.

Don't give me that crap.

We all know this is all you.

If you get any closer, he's going to whack you with me.

Whack.

Ol�!

And that's Jos� Jalapeno on a Stick!

Hey.

Wait a minute!

I... I forgot to tell Jos� something.

Open the box back up.

Immigration!

Stop it!

Well, he pissed me off.

Well, Peanut, it's about time to end the evening.

No way! What?

I got one more thing to do. No, the show's about over.

No, it's not! I got one more thing. What?

Okay, look. Just trust me on this.

I have a new hobby.

A new hobby? Yes.

What is it?

I am now a ventriloquist, too.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

That was... that was pretty good.

I know. Compared to me,

you suck.

Really?

Let me show you how it's done.

Well, you need a dummy. He's in the box.

You have a dummy? Over here, se�or.

He's... in the box? Yeah.

Right next to Jos�.

Can I get him out? Yep.

Don't touch my stick.

Careful!

What?

He's really ugly.

He is ugly, se�or.

He is nasty-looking.

JOSE: He's so scary, I wet my stick.

But he's right here. He's the only other guy in there,

check it out, look, look, look!

All right, let's see this, here we go...

I thought you said he was ugly.

He is!

He looks a little like me.

No... he looks a lot like you!

This isn't funny.

Then why is everyone else laughing?

JOSE: I laugh, too, se�or.

I laugh so hard I crack my stick.

Do you know how to work this? Of course I do.

You know there's a little lever down there...

I know. You grab onto the lever....

I know. and you pull on it...

I know! Now, do you have a hold of the lever?

He's got a hold of something.

See, I can do this, too!

Fantastic. How are you, little ugly Jeff?

Not good. Wait, wait, wait a minute.

You're going to call him Ugly Jeff?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Little Ugly Jeff.

Is there any other name?

Uh, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?

I like that.

Me, too, senor.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Wait a minute.

I would prefer you didn't use the word -ass.-

Oh, I didn't really. It's all one word.

Little Ugly Ass Jeff.

Ass Jeff, Ass Jeff, I am Ass Jeff.

See? It's good.

Bravo! Gracias. De nada.

This is ridiculous.

So, how are you, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?

I'm sad, Handsome Peanut.

Wait, wait a minute.

Handsome Peanut?

Yes, Peanut is very handsome, unlike you, Ugly Ass Jeff.

He is me. Good point.

I hate my ugly-ass self. All right.

He said he was sad. I heard him.

Why are you sad, Ass Jeff?

Because I'm a loser.

Yeah, that is sad.

And he's ugly. And I'm ugly.

Thank you. Is okay.

Will you stop this?

That's a shame, Little Ugly Ass Jeff.

I have no idea how I made it this far in life.

Me neither. No one does.

I suck. All right.

Maybe you can make up for your loserness

by having a good personality.

No. Doubtful. No way.

I'm sorry. Me, too.

Okay, look.

You guys really think this is funny.

Oh, yes. S�. Definitely.

The truth hurts. Okay.

I'll tell you what, Peanut, you think that's funny?

I have something here that you're going to like.

What? Just trust me.

You're going to love this.

What the (bleep) is that?

Hi, look at me! I'm a little idiot!

That is not funny. Yes, it is!

No, it's not! I think it is.

Me, too. LOL. Shut up!

I love the way you play that Slingerland kit.

I like how you got the tunings really open.

You're getting all that ring, that resonance.

Oh, yeah. As much as I can. I mean, that's just-

Warren fucking- Warren fucking Haynes.

Warren fucking Haynes, dude.

You kind of got the bottom thing going,

but I also see - were you ever into Cozy Powell?

I kind of get... Love Cozy Powell.

I get, like, a Cozy Powell...

The Jeff Beck stuff he did especially.

I remember hearing him with Rainbow

when Dio was singing with Rainbow.

Yeah. You know, Long Live Rock 'n' Roll.

That was back when I was kinda crazy,

playing a lot of kind of more heavier music, you know?

Excuse me, Warren? Yes, sir.

Hey, how you doing? Hey, man, how you doing?

Steve Gordo Gordon from Electric Apricot.

Nice to meet you Steve. How do you do?

I'm doing pretty good.

I'm a big, big fan.

Well, thank you.

Hey, you gotta second?

Could ask you a couple questions or something?

Sure, I got a second.

Phil Collins, I don't know what happened to that guy.

I mean, he's such a great drummer.

I don't know why he started doing

all this cabaret, Las Vegas-y thing.

Yeah, that's true. Brand X, man.

Yeah. That was a good band.

Yeah, I don't know what happened.

He's got cool hair, though.

Most people run their pre-amp really hot,

and I don't run mine very hot.

Uh-huh.

So it gives it more bottom-end at low pre-amp.

I-I see that, because you got all the tone right there.

Thanks for taking some time to talk to me.

Anytime.

I know you got a lot of things to do, so...

It's quite all right.

Gordo? You said it's Gordo?

Gordo.

It's nice to meet you, Gordo.

Hey- Pleasure, pleasure.

My pleasure. Hey, do you like to go to the zoo?

Do you go to the zoo? I don't go often, but-

Do you like to feed the ducks in the park?

Uh, you know, I'm not a big duck-feeder.

I like ducks.

Yeah? I can see that.

Yeah, yeah.

You can screw my girlfriend if you want to.

She's totally down, dude.

Yeah?

I probably would feel too guilty.

I'm married and she's your girlfriend, you know?

Oh, oh, okay. All right.

But I appreciate the offer.

I mean, it's probably- it's coming from your heart

He was okay.

He was kinda weird, you know?

He offered me to sleep with his girlfriend.

Something about ducks and feeding ducks and-

I don't know.

Maybe he was a little high or something.

Okay, I just was a fucking total dipshit.

I think you'reoverreacting.

Nah, dude.

I think you're totally overreacting.

I'm not.

I was sitting there telling him, dude,

he can sleep with my girlfriend?

Well-

What the fuck is that, dude?

You don't even have a girlfriend.

What the hell?

I'm trying to tell you, dude.

Where the fuck is that coming from?

Oh, man. I don't think it's as bad as you think.

No, it's the fucking nightmare.

It's the worst thing in my whole entire fucking life.

I got to meet Matt Abts. It's supposed to be the best day ever.

Feed the ducks.

What are you talking about, ducks?

I asked him if he wanted to go feed the fucking ducks!

What does that mean? I don't know.

He was walking away, I wanted to talk to him.

I didn't know what to fucking...

So you talked to him about ducks?

I just- I don't get it. I mean...

I don't know what to say, dude.

I didn't know what to say, I just...

Fucking, I turned into a blithering idiot

ass-fucking-hole.

It just kind of tripped him out a little bit

that he told me he felt like he made

an ass of himself in front of Warren.

I'm just a fucking asshole.

Fucking fuck.

Oh, fuck it.

It was going so smooth today and then he's gotta trip out.

Well, I mean, you know, who knows?

Who knows what'll happen.

Wow, wow, wow.

It's the old Cincinnati dancing pig.

He's the barnyard Mr. Pig.

Is anybody up yet?

I mean, you know, he always disappears, man.

He's just... I'm not really tripping on it.

He did get pretty hammered, I'll tell you that right now.

He was definitely-

Yeah, I haven't- I don't know.

I haven't seen him that lit in a while.

Well, he was all tripped out because he went up to-

he went up to Warren Haynes

and just said all this crazy shit.

But the camera guys said that they stumbled across him

and he was passed out and he was nude.

Hah, that's such... That's Gordo.

It's cool, dude. We got a lot of time.

He'll show up. He always shows up.

I, uh... I think that Festeroo is a festering...

not a disease-ridden kangaroo,

but an ocean of creativity

and some of the Lord's own jelly.

Check it, stop, rock

Everybody gonna move

Everybody, let's move

Everybody gonna move

Everybody, let's move

Ah, yes.

Ain't gonna stop

Ain't gonna quit

I've kind of evolved, revolved, and dissolved

with the Grateful Dead.

And so, uh, jam is my middle jelly.

You know, fun is fun and we all know how he is,

but this is- this is... this is kinda crazy, guys.

We might have to do it without him, I hate to say it.

We're going to have to do it without him.

What's the word, here? You guys-

What's the word with you?

Nothing.

I goose-egged. I haven't found a thing.

We're going to have to play, man.

We're just going to have to do it.

What do you think? Should we, like-

Well, I think, you know...

Extended solos or should you do your drum solos?

Hey, or I can do a drum solo.

I can get bass solos, man. I can do some stuff.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe this.

We're down to the wire.

This is it, this is the wire.

All right, guys, we gotta do it.

Coming out for you, the seminal Jam band,

bursting onto the Jam band scene,

enlightening the world through music,

give it up for Electric Apricot, everyone!

Get on your feet!

Get ready to dance!

A quarter of the Apricot entity was not there.

Here we were heading out on stage.

And we started getting into some of the Burning Man,

the textures, doing these textures,

you know?

The feeling you get, you know,

just the energy that comes off of that mass of humanity,

it's like, you know-

it's why I do what I do.

It's why I chose to be a percussionist singer/songwriter,

whatever you want to call it.

Next thing I know, I look over and there he is,

kinda shambling out.

I was a little late.

I was working some stuff out.

I knew, personally, that Gordo was going to show up.

There's a place...

a wondrous, magical place

where like-minded individuals

come together on the playa.

This place, this wondrous place,

is called...

Burning Man

Burning Man

I think the fans and our band really connected today.

It felt really magical to me.

I don't know, it really felt like we clicked.

I mean, it was like, here's me, here's the band.

We kinda just came together.

Hey, are you going to Burning Man?

Bury your toes in the desert sand

Ain't no man for to tell you how to be

Come on down with me to Burning Man

I got a recipe for cosmic flan

Strip off your clothes and set your aura free

Gordo, today, played his ass off, if I may say so.

He was singing something electric with his guitar

that I hadn't- actually have never ever seen before.

Come down with me to Burning Man

Dangle your toes in that desert sand

Ain't no man for to tell you how to be

And by the man, I mean the law.

Free people taking Burning Man.

Amazing Larry's got a masterplan.

It's all about

Just letting myself be free

We went to a place that was absolutely unbelievable.

People were staring at us, they were staring at me.

Hey, touchdown, payday.

I don't want to say payday because that's a little more of a capitalistic thing.

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to-

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to Burning Man?

How you doing? How you feeling?

It was good.

Everyone played really, really well.

I was really impressed.

Gordo was just amazing, Lap was amazing,

Herschel, I mean-

I was proud to be in this band today.

We came, we saw, we conquered.

Why not have a little fun?

I think from here onward and upward for the Apricot.

I turned and looked and there was Gordo, man.

You only rock Festeroo once, you know what I'm saying?

Gordo, we were ready to go on with a three-piece, man.

I want to propose a toast, a toast to us at Festeroo.

Sweet! Yeah, yeah!

Hip, hip, hooray!

What a day, man. Festeroo.

We came, we saw, we pulled it off somehow,

and, uh... yeah, wow.

My head's kinda spun from the whole-

the whole thing, you know?

So what happened to you, dude?

I was... I was in the woods

and I was sleeping and I was naked.

I was woken up by this voice.

I looked up, you guys, and Jerry was standing over me.

Jerry.

He came to me.

He's been so fixated on Jerry Garcia

for so many years, I guess it was bound to happen.

Whether or not it's real or not...

I mean, he didn't see Jerry Garcia.

He was probably talking to a squirrel.

I think he wanted to see Jerry Garcia.

And he's talking to me, but his mouth isn't moving.

Jerry was? With Jerry?

What the hell are you talking about?

But, dude...

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

I've never seen you play like you played today.

I've never seen that. That was incredible.

Yeah, dude, you saved the show.

I really think you did.

We've been around the horn.

He was talking to me through here and here.

Just the most spiritual thing that ever happened to me

in my whole entire life, man.

There's a tray of special brownies, if you know what I mean,

waiting for us in the rig, if anybody wants them.

Oh, oh, oh!

The Cube... you know, he's one of our biggest fans-

and he brought us a tray of brownies.

You know, those happy brownies.

Hey, our work is done.

Let's have a little fun! So ready, man.

You guys better get in while you fit in

because if I get that tray, it's gonna be gone, man.

We have to get out of here tonight

because we have to get this RV back.

Otherwise we'll have to pay another day rental.

Otherwise we'll have to pay another day rental.

In the process of documenting Electric Apricot,

our young filmmaker has caught a glimpse of Enlightenment.

Oh, I got it. I got it. We're cool.

Yeah, this is cool right here.

So, what happened to those brownies?

Gordo ate them.

Dude, he ate all those brownies?

The true revelation of Enlightenment

is the discovery that life is a never-ending journey

to a destination that is never actually reached.

Are you sure, man?

He's going to be totally gone.

Yeah, he is gone. He's passed out.

Unexpectedly,

while reaching for Enlightenment,

the duality of existence is unveiled.

He's going to have a very special ride when he wakes up.

How you doing tonight, sir?

I'm doing all right, Officer. Doing all right.

Where are you coming from?

We just came from the Festeroo,

a festival down the road.

Sir, I am going to have to ask you

to put that video camera down, please.

Driver's license and registration, please.

You know, they're making a-

they're making a documen-

We just played the Festeroo down the street.

Sir, please turn that video camera off.

They're making a documentary.

They're making a documentary.

That's what the cameras are for.

They're doing a documentary on the band.

Driver's license and registration, please.

We're a band from California.

What's going on? We play on...

You mind if I come in there and check it out?

Um... Check out inside.

Turn that video camera off now.

What?

Man, I'm getting out of here!

Get me outta here!

Gordo, stop, dude. I said... God damn!

Get your hands off me. Hey! Get over here!

It's cool man!

It's cool, man. It's cool.

Hands behind your back.

It's cool. It's cool, man.

I can't... I can't breathe.

Shut up and stay there. I can't breathe!

l... Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Gordo recently started a website

dedicated to the notion that Jerry Garcia

is still alive.

I don't put much stock in this sort of thing,

but I did find something pretty interesting.

I thought I just... one of these pans I had backstage.

I'll scroll back here.

If you do a frame-by-frame...

Look at that.

I'll do a zoom-in.

I mean, I don't know.

You tell me.

Hey, are you going to Burning Man?

Bury your toes in the desert sand

Ain't no man for to tell you how to be

Come on down with me to Burning Man

I got a recipe for cosmic flan

Strip off your clothes and set your aura free

There's a place I know called Black Rock City

Where we're about to get down

To the nitty gritty

We're all children of the stars above

Searching for answers and feasting on love

Hey, are you going to Burning Man?

I got a big old slab of veggie ham

Come to Camp Tesori and to bring some soy

Cheese

Free-thinking people at Burning Man

Amazing Larry's got the masterplan

It's all about just letting myself be me

Me

There's a gal I know called Moonstone Annie

She blows flames right out of her fanny

Ya ought to see her walking on the tight wire

Jugglin' bananas while her hair is on fire

Come on down with me

to Burnin' Man...

It's a fabulous place. It's a fabulous land.

Ooh, yeah.

Art love, lovin' Art's love for Art, Art for love...