All language subtitles for If.Its.Tuesday.This.Must.Be.Belgium.1969.720p.BluRay.x264-LATENCY English

Saith Solomon in the Book,

"Rise up, my love and come away.
For lo, the winter is past.

"The flowers appear on the earth,

"and the voice of the tourist
is heard in our land."

Excuse me, ma'am, hi.
I have relatives in Italy.

Now, if I eat all my meals with them
while we're there, can I apply for a refund?

It's the same for everybody.

Nine countries, 18 days.
$448.50. No refunds.

Irma, we're only going for 18 days.

Now, let's say that I hook up with
just one chick, just one in each country...

Wow, I only hope I have enough stamina.

Bert, baby, you don't even score
in this country.

This is Europe, Steve.
Everybody scores in Europe!

I don't understand. How can you blow
every penny you saved for years

on one lousy trip to Europe?

Because that's where I had the best
time of my life, World War II.

Come on!

Samantha, if I go with you,
we can be married in Europe.

Maybe next trip.

Always that maybe.

Well, that's why I'm taking
this trip, George.

To be sure.

Shelly! That settles it.
You're coming to Europe with us.

TWA Flight 700
now arriving, London from New York.

If it's Tuesday this must be Belgium

If it's Wednesday this must be Rome

If it's Thursday this must be Montreux

I fear I never wanna go home

If this is London
why ain't it raining?

The sun is shining
on St. Paul's dome

If this is real,
then I must be dreaming

Can't wait to tell
the folks back home

Can't wait to tell
the folks back home

If it's Tuesday this must be Belgium

If it's Wednesday this must be Rome

If it's Thursday this must be Montreux

I fear I never wanna go home

I fear I never wanna go home

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

- What's up, love?
- Me.

It's after 8:00 and I'm one hour late.

My Americans are landing
at London Airport this very minute.

My, we are in a flit, aren't we?

Now, you don't know Yanks.

When they drop out of the sky
wearing all that wash-and-wear,

they want their tour guide standing
at attention and in full battle dress.

Where are my socks?

Here! Must you crawl all over me
like some great monkey?

Now, you didn't mind
a few hours ago, did you?

That was different.

Indeed it was, and it was lovely.

For me as well, love.

Charlie, is it fun?

I thought we'd just agreed that, eh?

No, not that. Traveling around Europe
with all those people.

It's not traveling.

It's a mad dash
through nine bloody countries

in 18 bloodier days, that's what it is.

And I have to be mother and father,

psychiatrist, a host, teacher, interpreter,

peacemaker and joke-maker,
to a silly crowd of Americans

identical to my last silly crowd
of Americans, and my next crowd.

Well, they're like Chinese waiters,
you know.

If you've seen one Yank tourist,
you've seen them all.

How can he be an hour late?
Maybe we're in the wrong place.

Maybe we're in the wrong country.

Maybe one of us should contact someone
from World Wind Tours.

Me, I guess.

- Oh, are you the guide for the World...
- Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, love.

Some cheeky traffic cop stopped us
and gave Marcel a bloody ticket.

Looks like he was very sweet to you.

That might very well be my wife's,
if I was married.

I'm Charles Cartwright.

Charlie to my little groups
from across the sea.

And you are Miss...

About to turn into an ugly American
right before your very eyes.

Not possible.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to
make sure that nobody is missing

before we start out
upon our great adventure.

Mr. and Mrs. Harve Blakely.

Oh, I'm here, but Irma's in the...

- Mr. Jack Harmon.
- Yo!

Mr. John Marino.

Did you say John Marino?
I'm John Marino.

Is Mr. and Mrs. Fred Ferguson here?

Long enough to have
squatters rights, mister.

Miss Shelly Ferguson?
Is Shelly Ferguson here?

Boy, am I ever.

- Mrs. Freda Gooding.
- Present.

Mr. Bert Greenfield.

Bert Greenfield.
Oh, oh, here. Who wants me?

- Mrs. Jenny Grant.
- Here and ready to go!

- Mr. Harry Dix.
- What? Oh, here.

- Sam Perkins.
- That's Samantha.

Oh, I'm sorry, they've abbreviated it here.
Is that Miss or Mrs.?

- Miss.
- Which is as good as a mile, eh?

- And Miss Charlene Kane.
- Here.

Oh, here's Irma.

It took me 10 minutes to figure out
what WC means.

Congratulations.

World Wind Tour Number 225,
all present and correct!

Avanti!

Let's move out!

Ladies and gentlemen, this will be,
for the next three weeks,

your home sweet home
away from home sweet home,

complete with all comforts of same.

Reclining seats, which we will alternate so
that everyone gets a turn at the windows.

Rather like a game of musical chairs.

Oh, and speaking of music,
we have music to fit not only the mood,

but whatever country we happen to be in.

It's so, sort of, foreign looking.

Yup,
there's nothing like it back home.

Would you all gather round me, please?

I will now distribute your room keys.

Mr. Harry Dix, room 405.

Mrs. Jenny Grant.

Irma?

I don't think the 10 rolls
you brought will be enough.

I'm telling you, Fred, it is not a planter.

Too high for a footbath.

Is it bigger than a bread box?

With a mind like yours,
is it any wonder she's growing up wild?

"Dear guys,

"you should see the wild English chick
I'm sitting with right now.

"Words can't even begin to describe her.

"You wanted pictures of the victims?

"Well, here's the mini-hoo-ha
I'll never forget.

"England is great. The weather
hasn't cleared up yet, but my skin has."

And now, for your sightseeing pleasure,

World Wind Tours is happy to present

2,000 years of British history
in one afternoon,

so try not to nap, folks,
you could miss a century.

Our first stop,
the historic Tower of London.

Here, you're in the presence of one of
history's greatest marital tragedies.

On this very spot, Henry VIII had not one
but two of his six wives executed.

What did those two wives ever do to him?

They suggested a World Wind Tour.

Passing on our right
is a troop of Her Majesty's Horse Guards.

That's where our foreign aid goes!

To some, this pageantry
may seem extravagant,

but it's an eternal symbol of British glory.

Do you realize
what a horse eats every day?

Mr. Ferguson, you're a hopeless romantic.

And now, the most vital
attraction on any tour of London,

a stop at that elegant, understated
repository of British tradition,

Carnaby Street.

Edna, this is no place
for any daughter of mine.

Daddy it's the first place I've been today
that isn't 270 trillion years old!

But look at this place.

Look at the people.

Look at the clothes.

And our cute, cool and kooky number.

Oh, wow, is that ever in.

No, Shelly, it is definitely out.

Don't you like it, sir?

Well, on you, I love it.
On her, over my dead body!

We haven't lost a father yet.

Well, you're losing one now.

And now, as our final treat of the day,

for that moment of British culture
you've all been waiting for,

I'll leave you in the capable hands of...

Mrs. Featherstone is my name
and I am your special guide

for this very special place,
the Victoria and Albert Museum. Hello.

Now then, before we proceed,

I must caution you
to keep together throughout our browse.

That is why I carry this.
Your stars and stripes forever, hmm?

So, wherever you are in there,
when my little flag goes up,

you must rally round
as your own song instructs.

Very well, then.
All together now, shall we? Rally!

I'll get you for this, Edna.

And here we have a prime example

of mid-19th century canine statuary.
And this...

...made of marble.

And this double canopied bedstead,
believe it or not,

is made of papier-mâché with lacquered...

We have here a 15th-century
Italian whale head.

As I like to say at this particular spot,
well, well, well.

Rally!

No matter how long
it takes, Edna, I'll get you for this.

- Sore leg, Harve?
- No.

Imagine, we saw all of England
in just one day.

One more day like this
and I'll kill myself.

While I check my messages, why don't you
go upstairs and get yourself into...

Well, out of all that fantastic...

- Oh, Charlie.
- What?

- Want an early morning call, love?
- Oh, definitely not!

Early morning calls
are for people who sleep.

Mr. Cartwright.

Miss Sam.

- What are all you ladies doing here?
- Waiting for you, Charlie, my boy.

Me? Whatever for?

London by night. It's right here,
in the World Wind Tour brochure,

under "First Day's Activities, Night."

Piccadilly Circus, Soho
and a typical old English pub.

Well, ladies, I've been guiding tours
for six years now, and nobody's ever wanted this.

Well, what with the time difference
and the first day's sightseeing,

well, you must be all exhausted.

No?

London by Night tour, avanti.

- Now, this is more like it!
- Like what?

The London I'd hoped to see. People, not...

Come along. Over here, Ron.

Fire. When ready, Gridley.

Bingo!

That's a bit better, isn't it, eh?

Now, you were telling me?

Nothing, really.

It's just that for the first time, I don't feel
like a typical American tourist, that's all.

Well, you're not typical, Miss Sam.
I knew that the first moment I saw you.

Really?

What would you say? That I'm...
What? Intelligent?

Oh, very.

And not bad looking, perhaps?

As a matter of fact, you are a smasher.

And I have six beautiful toes
on my right foot.

Indeed you do.
And you're having a go at me, aren't you?

Yes, I guess I was.

You see, you prove my point.
You're not typical.

Banger?

Steady, Miss Sam. That's what sausages
are called over here, bangers.

No, thanks, Ron. Oh, excuse me.

This

is the old Indian

beer trick.

Well, you are a very talented man.

Oh, yes. I shall write my novel this way.
If it doesn't sell, down the hatch.

You know,
when this caper started tonight,

I wasn't too happy about it,
but now my feelings have changed.

Well, you've changed them.

- Mr. Cartwright...
- Please, Charlie.

Charlie. Look, my time in Europe
is very limited.

I want to see things, take home
experiences and memories, and that's all.

Well, if it's experiences
and memories you're after,

it's Lieutenant Charles Cartwright
reporting for duty, sir!

- Charming! Bloody charming!
- Dot!

Got tired of waiting, love,
so I rang up Peter.

- You know Peter Wiggins.
- Hello, all.

He came round to collect me. Here we are.

Well, the London by Night tour
is just about over, so...

Oh, don't forget to leave
an early morning call, love.

- God bless.
- Goodbye, all.

But, Dot! Wait!

Couldn't care less!

I've ruined your evening.

But you could save it, you know.

The night's early,
and the hotel is just around the...

- Oh, do me a favor, Charlie.
- Anything!

Take no for an answer.

Dames en heren,

because it has more
than 50 canals and 550 bridges,

Amsterdam is often referred to
as the Venice of the north.

This tiny country of Holland is famous for
Rembrandt, the tulip, the Edam cheese.

Also for van Gogh, Dutch chocolate,
Dutch beer, Dutch Cleanser,

the Dutch treat, the Dutch door, the Dutch
uncle. In fact, folks, you're in Dutch.

Play your cards right, Miss Sam,
and I have an extra special treat for you.

Dirty postcards?

Dutch chocolates.

And now that we're on the Continent,

you will be awakened every morning
at 6:00 a.m.

6:00 a.m.?

I'm sorry, it's the only way we can keep
anywhere near our schedule.

And luggage must be packed
and placed outside the doors by 7:00

so that it can be collected
and placed on the bus by departure time,

8:00 a.m. sharp.

Back home I don't even get up till 8:00,
and that's when I'm working.

Is "windmill" one word or two?

Since we're running a trifle late,
when we get to Amsterdam,

we will have a mere 55 minutes
to get to our rooms,

get our luggage delivered
and get our lunch

before we visit
the Alkmaar Cheese Market,

where once each week
in the town square

there's an auction of Gouda cheeses
and Edam cheeses,

and pretty Gouda Edam cheeses they are.

Boy, how does he keep coming up
with all those jokes?

Guts, sheer guts!

Dutch cheese.

What's wrong
with American cheese?

Well, that we can get
in America.

If we hurry,
we can get a plane back tonight.

Listen, I'm just as much an
American tourist as any of these people.

Thanks. I've been hitting that free sample
line five, six times a day.

You must love cheese.

I hate starving.

Edna, Shelly's talking to someone.

Whoever he is,
she'll be in Brussels tomorrow.

And I've been here about a week talking
to this Dutch group at the University.

We want them to represent Holland
at a demonstration in Rome.

Are you going to lead a riot, or something?

Not exactly.
My bag is picket signs and recruiting.

Where you headed from here?

Back to the bus.
The smell of this cheese is doing me in.

You go ahead.
I'll bring a free sample to you on the bus.

Do me a favor. Don't.

18 days locked in a bus with those people?
It's, like, sick! What for?

Oh, my father was afraid that me
and my boyfriend were about to make it.

You know.
Anyway, my boyfriend was too scared.

- Of sex?
- Of my father.

That's interesting. I guess virginity is still
a big hang-up in the smaller towns.

Charlotte, North Carolina is not
one of the smaller towns.

I like you. You've got local pride.
You're ethnic.

I am? What is it?

Very nice. Okay, one more.

Yeah, good.

Let me just... Nice.

Now one second,
I wanna try to get a little more...

Dear wise guys, second country,
second girl.

Batting a thousand.

That's kind of cute.

- Are you a Communist?
- No. University of Pennsylvania.

I thought you were sort of mature.

Well, look, I'll see you along the way.

Really? You mean it?

Keep the faith, baby.

- You're sure it will be all right, Charlie?
- Oh, I'm sure it will be perfect.

And your tourists
will not come back this time?

I've got them so over-scheduled,
they may never come back.

First, the cheese market.

Then the Rijksmuseum.

That's at least an hour for them to see
all those Rembrandts,

- Franz Halses and Vermeers, ja?
- Ja.

And after the diamond-cutting factory,
the Heineken brewery, ja?

- Ja.
- Then after...

Steady. That'll be the champagne.

Irma Blakely has disappeared
on a Japanese bus.

And I may commit hara-kari.

Ja, from Tokyo!
They stayed right in this hotel last night.

- They even had your rooms.
- Now they have my wife!

Here it is. Banzai Tours Number 33.

Didn't I tell you,
you'd get her back in no time at all?

- You don't know Irma!
- Mr. Blakely...

By placing this overlay map

of the Banzai itinerary
over our own World Wind itinerary,

we readily see that the two tours
criss-cross here in Rome

here in Zurich
and right there again in Wiesbaden.

Yeah, but you don't understand.
See, Irma's always...

Thursday morning we take the Rhine
Steamer to Wiesbaden from Koblenz.

And by Thursday afternoon,

you and your dear wife
will never know she's been away.

I want to phone her. Where is she now?

Hamburg.

Koblenz to Wiesbaden. Thursday morning.

- Wait! Elsa!
- Hilda!

Miss Sam.

Well, you must admit, I do have a talent
for barging in on you at the wrong time.

Yes, you're getting very good at that.

Well, you do give me plenty of chance
to practice.

These stops are officially called lay-overs,
you know.

How do you keep track of them all?

I mean, do you have a map of Europe up
in your room with little pins stuck in it?

Now why didn't I think of that?
You Yanks have a genius for organization.

Well, I just wanted to apologize
for spoiling your afternoon, that's all.

Well, you could apologize
over a glass of champagne.

- I mean, they'd never refund my money.
- Oh, what a pity!

It's not a bad little wine.

It's not the year I ordered,
but then it never is. How about it?

- No, thank you.
- Cup of tea?

Oh, Charlie,
you really are perfect.

From champagne to tea!
Now, that is brilliant footwork.

- Is anybody studying you?
- Studying me?

The Rockefeller Foundation or Ford
might give you a grant.

You mean I could get money, too?

Well, you'd have to start
by keeping a record.

I don't have to. You are!

Hello, Irma?

It's 6:00, sir.

Listen, Operator, I still haven't completed
my call to...

Banzai.

What the hell's wrong now?

It's 6:00.

Harmon here.

It's 6:00.

0600 hours, check! Over and out.

Chow in one hour, paisan.
Drop your clocks and grab your socks.

I don't think my socks will be dry
in an hour.

Yes?

It's 6:00, sir.

It's 6:00? Oh, thanks very much. Goodbye.

Eleven, good morning.

Twelve, good morning.

Thirteen, good morning.

Fourteen, good morning.

Fifteen, good morning.

Sixteen, good morning, Miss Sam.
Sleep well?

- Fine, thank you. And you?
- Alone, thank you.

Seventeen, good morning.

Eighteen, good morning.

All present and correct.

Avanti!

What I wouldn't give to hear
the three most beautiful words

in the English language,
"Yankee go home."

I'll take a wild guess. Belgian chocolate.

- French postcards.
- Ooh!

Yeah, yeah, the old place
hasn't changed a bit,

since we come barreling
through here in '45.

You wanna change seats with me?

That's the reason
I took this particular tour.

This hits the same spots I hit
during the war.

Look, you can have my seat.
Really, I don't mind.

The seat's wasted on me.
You see, I wasn't in World War II.

At all?

I'm sorry.

Is that because you got relatives in Italy?

No, it's just they weren't drafting
seven-year-old boys.

Before we arrive in Brussels, perhaps the
most important thing you should know

is that we have so little time
after we get there.

So after we have a quick bite of lunch,

we have to squeeze in such wonders
as the Atomium,

symbol of the 1958 Brussels World Fair.

What the hell is it
supposed to be, anyway?

I don't know, but it looks
like something dirty to me.

Looks like a giant Tinkertoy to me.

Looks like another dull afternoon to me.

Irma would have loved this!

How'd you like to pay a plumber
12 bucks an hour to fix that, huh?

And would any of you want to
miss the world famous Manneken Pis?

I thought it would be
much bigger than that.

Well, he's just a little boy.

Where's Shelly?
Does Shelly have to see a thing like that?

Yes, oh, yes!

We can only spare
an hour for you ladies

to buy some exquisite
Belgian lace.

I don't know.

I know a shop where the mention of
my name will get you the best buy in town.

I'm telling you, Miss Perkins,
that blouse is you.

A little too much of me, I'm afraid.

Above all, we must visit
that remarkable antique square

in the center of bustling Brussels,
the Grand Place.

What's so grand
about this place?

Take away the gold
and what have you got? Tenements.

The Grand Place should really be seen at
night to appreciate its true magnificence.

Why don't we see it at night?

Because we have to sleep,
since tomorrow morning at 6:00 a.m.,

we are on the move again

and heading for our first stop,
Bastogne,

where a monument marks the place
your American troops

fought so gallantly and courageously
in one of the key battles of World War II.

It was right here that we won
the Battle of the Bulge.

Hey, now, you see down there,
where that couple is?

Now, that was a German strongpoint.
Come here.

After they thought their barrage
had softened us up,

then they moved in with their tanks.
Now, what did we do?

Moved in with our tanks.

Right, right, all right.

We started down the hill.

Every gun blazing.

We had to push 'em back
or we were dead!

And then the Germans retreated.

Luxembourg.
For most American tourists,

this tiny duchy exists mainly
as a lunch stop between Belgium and Germany.

Matter of fact I heard some women
from Kentucky call this Luncheonburg.

How come the American Express Tour
gets salad and we don't?

Well, they're deluxe.
We're only first class.

I just met a fellow from the Cook's Tour.
They had steak last night.

They got their own private john,
right on the bus, with free Kleenex.

I don't see anything on this menu
except things like hamburgers,

frankfurters and
American cheese sandwiches.

That'll do me fine. I'll have a hamburger.

- How do you spell Luxembourg?
- Luxembourg, L-U-X...

So will she. Well done. Shelly?

I am so car sick from that bus
that I am sick.

L-U-X...

Make that three hamburgers, I'll eat hers.

- E-M...
- I'm on a diet. Could I have salad?

No substitutions, madam.

Make it four hamburgers.
It was a crash diet anyway.

I'll have four hamburgers, too.

- That's extra, sir.
- Don't mind him. He's always joking.

- Excuse me, where was I?
- L-U-X-E-M...

- S.O.S.
- S-O-S...

No, Mrs. Ferguson, don't write that down.
That's what I'm ordering, S.O.S.

That's chipped beef on toast.
I got to like it in the Army.

- L-U-X-E-M...
- Why not? S.O.S. for me, too.

Listen, folks,
it's none of my business, really,

but don't you think we should at least
try some of the local delicacies?

- I'm game.
- Something like what?

- B-O-U-R-G.
- Well, I don't know.

What's the specialty of the house?

- Hamburgers.
- Oh, no. I don't mean for us.

I mean for the local people that come here.

Local people don't come here.
This is strictly for our tourist friends.

Make that one more hamburger, please.

Irma, I'm talking
as loud as I can. Now, listen.

We go by steamer
from Koblenz to Wiesbaden.

Tomorrow. So what I've... Yes, Koblenz.

Yes, yes, tomorrow. Steamer. Steamer!

On the Rhine!

Damen und Herren,
we now shift from bus to boat,

sailing down the legendary Rhine,
where the Lorelei sing their siren songs

beneath the fairytale castles
of old Germany.

Enjoying yourself, Mr. Ferguson?

- Hey, Charlie.
- Yeah?

This stuff tastes like it was pumped
straight out of the river.

- Don't you have any imported wine?
- What? In Germany? French wine?

No, California!

- Oh, Fred, that was beautiful.
- Indeed it was, Fred.

Would you believe I never
folk-danced before in my life?

- You're doing fine, Jack.
- Oh, boy!

"Dear jealous poker players,
five down, four to go. Signed, Lucky."

Ready to do some tippling now,
Miss Sam?

No, thank you.
The scenery is heady enough.

Well, I'll just leave it here on the deck,

in case you get chilly in that
pretty lace thing. Belgian, isn't it?

Yes. I bought it in Brussels.

Shop I recommended?

Where the mere mention
of your name works miracles.

Why, it practically put the stunning young
woman who works there in a swoon.

- Good old Yvette.
- Yvonne, I think she said...

Oh, yes, of course.
Did she give you a discount?

- 20%.
- Now, that's not bad, eh?

Well, it was wonderful until I saw
the same thing for a 30% discount.

- Where?
- At a shop a block away.

Well, it may have looked similar,
but I'm sure...

Oh, no, not similar, Charlie, identical.

I'll check it out with Yvonne
the next time I see her.

Well, you needn't do that because
I happen to be the assistant buyer

for ladies' dresses for one of the largest
department stores in Minneapolis, so...

Really?

...if there's one thing I do know,
it is fabric and workmanship,

a lot better than your average shopper.

I sort of had you pegged
as one of those terribly efficient ladies

who program computers or something.
I never saw you in ladies' dresses.

And I never saw you as a cheap hustler.

Well, can you deny
you'll get a kick-back on this blouse?

10%, and the word is "commission,"

a perfectly legitimate practice.

Oh, sure. Anything goes when it comes
to fleecing the American tourists.

No, wait. Wait.
Have you ever thought what you get

for so few of your almighty dollars?

You get all of this. The art, the tradition,
the history, the people, the food,

the whole bloody magic of it!
The biggest bargain that ever was,

but all you can see is the price tag!

Oh, Charlie, we're talking about
much more than that...

- Oh, come on.
- ...and you know it.

How long do you expect to get by
on the old boyish charm, huh?

For the rest of my life, if I'm lucky.

All the best.

The damned blouse looks great on you.

Harve! Harve!

Harvey! Harve, it's me, Irma!

- Irma!
- Harve! Come get me!

I told you Koblenz to Wiesbaden!

- What?
- First Koblenz, then Wiesbaden.

I can't hear you!

- You're going the wrong way!
- Harve!

- Irma!
- Come get me, Harvey!

Irma!

Irma!

Irma would have loved this.

The guy who said, "There's no place
like home," must've taken this tour.

Mesdames et monsieurs, in order
for you to enjoy the natural wonders

of Switzerland to the fullest,

World Wind Tours takes you
off the beaten track

and puts you up in the tiny, picturesque
village of Gruyere, of cheese fame.

It is one of the most famous
vacation spots in this storybook land.

Cheese! That's how I lost Irma.

Hey, yeah, I'm sorry about that. I never
had nothing like that happen to me.

Maybe because I never been married.

- How come?
- Well, I don't know.

There was only one girl
I ever felt that way about.

- Bet it was during the war.
- That's amazing! How did you know that?

Well, I heard you mention many times
that you were a veteran, so I figured...

Yeah, she lived in Rome
when we liberated it.

Her name was Gina.

Still is, I bet.

Boy, that was the most beautiful
three weeks I ever spent in my life.

You going to go see her
when we get to Rome?

Boy, I'd love to, if I only had the guts!

It's taking so long.
Can't you get there from here?

I feel like I was born on this bus.

I feel like I died on it.

Being this remote,
you'd think they'd have a short cut.

What's our hurry?
It's starting to rain, anyway.

How come it never rains
on museum days?

This free day gives me just the chance
I need to catch up on my correspondence.

Don't tell them the truth.
Let them think we're having fun.

Here I am, paying for this damn trip
and grateful for a day off!

Hey! Down the hatch.

Past the teeth, past the gums,
look out stomach, here she comes.

Prosit.

- Home was never like this, huh, Edna?
- You can say that again.

It's like an Italian wedding.

You foreigners sure know how to live!

Bert, how about taking
a picture of the group?

First thing a person learns,
never waste film.

What time did you say
you had to be home?

They said the Fondue Fling
would be over at 11:00.

- Their what fling?
- Fondue Fling.

It's a party where all they eat is
melted cheese. It comes with the tour.

This is something else.

You know, when you said
that we'd go to your place,

I never thought it would
turn out to be a youth hostel.

I figured it was time
you met some real people.

What woman in my arms?

On the boat?
Oh, that was just Freda, uh, Mrs. Gooding.

What? No, I don't know
where her husband is now.

He's been dead a couple of years.

No, he's not on the tour!

Well, she was dancing, I wasn't!

What?

No, Irma,
there is no woman in here with me now.

That's a yodeling act you're hearing.

I'm not in my room!

I mean, I'm in some cellar.
I mean, it's Fondue Fling night.

Hello? Hello, Irma? Hello?

- How's Irma?
- Hysterical!

- Hello.
- Oh, I'm afraid all these seats are taken.

- Where is everybody?
- Dancing.

- And what about you?
- I'm not dancing.

No, what I meant was,
would you care to join them?

No, thank you.

- Had any fondue yet?
- No.

Well, there's a coincidence. Neither have I.

But I have an idea.
Suppose you and I have it together?

Why?

Because this is Switzerland.
It's a neutral country.

Oh.

That's better, isn't it?

Come with me.

Must be your lucky night, Miss Sam.

You are about to partake
of Charles Cartwright's

world-famous and special recipe
for this stuff.

- The secret ingredient being aquavit?
- Just a dash or two.

- Charlie, it won't help.
- You mustn't argue with the chef.

100 proof and foolproof,

guaranteed to melt not only the cheese,
but also the girl.

Well, at least you're honest about it.

However, if your plan is to get me
so smashed that I...

My plan is merely to relax
the irresistible force

and the immovable object before impact.

What are you doing?

Well, I want to prove that,
dead drunk or cold sober,

I am just as immovable.

- Miss Sam, you are the irresistible force!
- Oh!

Proceed at your own risk.

She fell in love
with a swan

Her eyes were filled
with feathers

He filled her with song

In the reedy river

In the reedy river

She in her boat,
long hours

He in his royal plumage

She threw him some flowers

In the reedy river

Black was the night
and starry

She loosened up her garments

And let fall her hair

In the reedy river

Sadly they mourn and sigh

Whilst in evening twilight

Two swans glide and fly

O'er the reedy river

O'er the reedy river

She fell in love
with a swan

- All finished.
- No.

Well, obviously you've had enough.

I can't get over
what a different person you are.

- Different from whom?
- From you.

Confidentially, neither can I.

Well, isn't it better this way?

Whatever way this is,
it is bloody marvelous.

Oh, Charlie.

Charlie Brown, I am sorry for all
the terrible, awful things I said.

Well, forget it, forget it.

But I couldn't be just another bird
on the list,

number nine or 300 or whatever
astronomical figures you deal in.

They're just a few friends
scattered about, really. That's all.

- Charlie, dance with me.
- You think you can?

Dance?

Hell, I could fly!

Oh, it's the landing that counts, love.

Well! Samantha's obviously
ready to be taken home.

Excellent idea!

By me.

Not a bad little pension.

Bo, I knew you were mature.

Shelly! You down there, Shelly?

Oh, my God, my father!

I figured that.
Maybe if we just ignore him, he'll go away.

- Not my father!
- Shelly!

- Shelly. Rome, Thursday.
- Rome, Thursday.

- You and me.
- Ciao!

Ciao.

That's it! That's a home run!
That's a home run! That's good!

This sort of thing
happen often over here, does it?

Have some of this, Miss Sam.

Please don't shout.
Just tell me when we get to Liechtenstein.

- Liechtenstein?
- I asked you not to shout.

We left Liechtenstein
after lunch.

Where are we?

We're in sunny Italy.

Canal's full of garbage.

They spell Venice very funny over here.

This is one place my outfit never got to.

I have relatives here.
I wrote them I'm coming.

It's all very ethnic.

Centuries ago, Venice was one of
the most powerful city states.

Hope they had better garbage collection
in those days!

Irma would've loved this.

I didn't write my relatives,
my mother wrote them.

If Amsterdam is the Venice of the north,

why isn't Venice
the Amsterdam of the south?

Venezia, V-E-N-E-Z-I-A is how they spell it.

- Charlie!
- Sophia!

Maria!

- Maria, you look great!
- Thank you.

- We're only here for one day.
- Where are you going?

Rome, but I'll see you next time around.

Look at that!

- Ciao, Maria!
- Ciao!

Hold it a sec, would you? Hold it!

"Dear fellas, I met her in Venice.
Number eight.

"This one's a winner any way you look
at her. Signed, Exhausted."

Hey, everybody keeps talking about chow,

but we haven't had a bite to eat yet.

Ciao in Italy means one of two things,
either "hello" or "goodbye."

Hey, paisan, I know that!

I was here in the war, remember?
I was making a joke.

See, "chow" in the Army means...

Excuse me. I'm very nervous.
I'm going to visit my relatives.

I don't know if you got my mother's letter
or anything, but I'm John Marino.

Giovanni Marinamanno?

Originally, yes.
Sì.

Giovanni, Giovanni, Giovanni!

Francesca!

How are you?

I can't stay for lunch.

I have a bus to catch.

It looks delicious, but my bus is leaving.

It looks swell.

- May I have this dance, Miss Sam?
- What are you doing here?

Wondering why you and I aren't dancing.

Well, for one thing, there is no music.

A mere technicality.

The last time we even
thought about dancing together,

I wound up drunk and disorderly.

No, no. You were charming. No, really, no.

No, I'm glad we spiked the fondue.

Otherwise I might never have known
there was another Sam Perkins.

Are you sure there is?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Sam Perkins is alive and in Venice tonight.

You had me fooled for a minute.

I thought you were
just another American lady executive,

self-made, independent,
ambitious, ambivalent.

Over here for a few weeks to decide
about marrying... What's his name?

George.

Charlie?

Right here, love.

What makes you so sure
I'm not the stereotype, too?

Because you're so worried you might be.

And because behind that department
store front there lurks an adorable,

vulnerable, comical little waif with
her nose pressed up against the glass,

looking out at the world
as if it were one great big pastry

because she'd love to
reach out and taste it.

But she doesn't dare.
And because of the effect she's having

on one very well-traveled bloke

whose rule up to now was always
never to get involved with a lady tourist.

I wonder if George
ever thought of me as a waif.

- You heard about the new tour rule?
- No.

George's name
is never to be mentioned again.

You are a hard man, Charlie Brown.

Come by it honestly, I did.

Brought up in the streets, I was.

Oh, where were your folks?

In the streets. They were buskers.

Buskers?

Mmm. Little groups of street entertainers
who perform for handouts.

They used to be all over London.

You know, we'd see a nice,
rich American lady, like you,

then we'd break into our act.

- You don't believe me, do you?
- I do.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

I'll have to show you. You watch.

I'm quite satisfied

With a pretty little girl
like you

You're good enough for me

If I'm good enough for you

I'd be gratified

If you'd be my little loving wife

Say, say, say,
won't you name the day

I'd be satisfied for life

Don't throw money.

Throw kisses.

Sam.

You go ahead. I'll be up in five minutes.

228, please.

417.

Also your messages, signore.

- She called seven times.
- Wrong number.

- Hello, Samantha.
- George!

I know I'm the last person
you expected to see in Italy,

but I just plain couldn't go
the full 18 days without you.

- Hello, George.
- And goodbye, Charlie.

Samantha.
Travel evidently agrees with you.

You look absolutely great.
Better than ever, as a matter of fact.

Well, as we used to say in Anzio,
on to Rome.

- Where all roads lead.
- Rome's my last chance.

If I don't find Irma,
I go home without a wife.

Better than not going home at all.

Or going home with a wife you don't want.

- I beg your pardon?
- No, I didn't mean him. I meant me.

I guess it was a mistake for me
just to pack up and come over here.

But I was worried about you from the
minute I took you to the airport that day.

Remember? It was raining like mad.

I know it's silly of me.

God knows you're a grown girl
and can take care of yourself.

Now that I am here, I can see
why you were anxious to make this trip.

After all, these are foreign countries

and the unknown
always has a certain attraction.

And it's a good bunch you've got here.
Lot of fun.

Samantha...

Well, didn't you hear me, honey,
or don't you want to?

It's not that, George.

Why so silent, Mr. Cartwright?

Too much Venice?

Too much vino, Charlie? Huh?

Nothing much to say, I guess.

Well, if you won't entertain us, I guess
we'll have to entertain ourselves.

Why don't we all sing something?

Did she say sing?

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream

I'm afraid she did.

Merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream

Merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream

Merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream

The colonnade was designed
by Bernini,

and the dome
by none other than Michelangelo.

I wonder if the pizza's as good here
as it is back home.

Hey, this place is so big,
maybe we'd better split up.

Okay, you take the inside,
I'll take the outside.

Fred, how can you come
all the way to Rome

and then refuse to go into St. Peter's?

Edna, if you drag me into one
more church, I swear I'm going to...

Don't swear here.

One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven...

Well, now you all know, people,

that after this official group photograph
has been taken for posterity,

of which you will each receive one copy

compliments of World Wind Tours,

we'll have the rest of the afternoon free
before we meet for

our farewell evening dinner
at the Grotto del Piccione.

Now where was I?

Here. I'm 12.

Come, come, Shelly.
You'll never see 16 again.

Number 12, 13, 14...
Are we missing George?

It's too soon to tell.

I guess he's the kind
that takes no for an answer.

Antonio, whenever you're ready.

Now, paesanos...

I don't know about this guy,
but wait until you see the pictures we took.

I think my best shots were
of Jack on the Rhine.

And I got one just the way
I always want to remember you.

And how about the one
of the two of us at Marble Arch?

I'm glad I got a shot of Irma
before she got lost.

Miss Sam.

How are you planning
to spend your free afternoon?

Oh, I'm going to rent a car
and see more of Rome.

Great.

Alone, please, Charlie.

It's a free country.

Now, you're dead sure
this is the right place?

- Number-o thirty-one-o? No mistake-o?
- Sì, sì.

Keep the change-o.

Excuse me,

I think I'm in the wrong place.

Speak the English?

I don't know if you can understand me,

but I'd like to have
a pair of shoes made for myself.

Ah, cheap-o.

Oh, you mean the color.

- Colore.
- I'd really like tan.

Tan, tan, tan.

- Tan.
- Tan, che tan?

Light brown. The same color
the salesman from Des Moines bought.

- Mr. Bellkamp.
- Betman?

Signor Arthur Bellkamp.
A very good customer of yours.

He bought tan. This.

But light, tan.

Tan! You understand tan?

Look, look.

You mix brown and white together
and you get tan.

Yeah. Very good, good-o.

Now, I'll give you my card in America,

and when the shoes are ready,
you send them to me. Sì?

Now we bargain, right?

How much?

Too much.

Deal-o.

Now, I will give you a small deposit,

but how do I know you'll send the shoes?

You mean you'd trust me to send
you the money after I get the shoes?

- Sì.
- In America?

- In America.
- I want to shake your hand, sir.

- Ciao.
- And how, ciao.

"Dear fellows, when in Rome,
do as the Romans do.

"I did. Here she is."

Okay.

Thank you. Oh, yeah, 4,000, right?

- One, two, three, four.
- Grazie.

Oh, thank you.

No, no, that's the deal I gave.

- Don't go.
- I have to, mission accomplished.

Well, I leave Rome tomorrow anyway,
so why can't you wait just one more day?

I'm finito in this town.

With 180 of our kids in jail,
our protest has been delivered.

They gave me four hours
to leave the country, like, eight hours ago.

Hey, you could go to
our farewell dinner with me tonight.

They'd never think
of looking for you there.

Your old man would blow the whistle
before they served the soup.

I'd leave the place with you
if he tried anything like that.

You'd defy your father?

- Do you know how groovy that is?
- Yeah.

Won't we ever see each other again?

Today is what's important.

Tomorrow's for the birds.
Your father's generation proved that.

I know. I just hope someday you
demonstrate in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Cool it, please.

Here.

Mr. Smith? Prego.

Thank you.

Psst.

This cousin of mine,
is she in the lobby right now?

No, but she has telephoned three times

and she has been here twice
since you left this morning.

If she comes back,
you tell her I checked out.

Gina, I don't know if you remember me.
Jack Harmon.

Jack Harmon, yeah, yeah, right.

Yeah, Sergento Giovanni.

Yeah. Sì. I'm back in Rome.
Yeah, talk about a coincidence.

Listen, I'm right across the street. Yeah.

What?
Right now?

Yeah,
I think I could manage that.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Prego. Come in.

It's amazing, the place looks
just exactly the way I remember it.

I try to keep it always the same.

As a matter of fact, I think it even looks
better than I remember it.

You know, sunny, nice.

Because there is no war this time, hmm?

So do you, Gina.

You look positively great.

And a little older, eh?

Well, the whole world
is a little older these days.

At least it felt that way
until a few minutes ago.

- Yours?
- No, my daughter's.

Signore, signore,

maybe signore will buy
a souvenir of Roma.

Buy?

Maybe it's better
that it ended when it did, huh?

While it was still perfect.

- Is he your daughter's, too?
- No, mine.

Yeah, well...

I guess I'd better go back
to the hotel before my wife thinks

you and I took up where we left off.

Your wife is a lucky woman,
whoever she is.

Yeah. Goodbye, Gina.

Oh, I almost forgot.

- For the bambinos.
- Oh, grazie.

Might as well give them that, too.

Oh, excuse me, sir. I am terribly sorry.
It's all my fault.

You see, I don't understand
these crazy signs.

No, no, I don't speak Italian but if there's
any problem, here's my driver's license.

Oh! No, no. You don't understand.

I have money.

Lira. Lira.

Doesn't anybody here speak English?

I've always suspected those two.

You always suspect everybody.

It's called
Calamaretti alla Romana.

I still don't know what it is,
but it's great.

It's squid.

Well, if you only wanted
hamburgers and packaged rolls,

you should never have left
the sticks.

What the hell?
I was enjoying it.

Ever since he went
to that Roman shoemaker,

he's been completely brainwashed.

- Your wife?
- Oh, no. No.

Franco.

Sam?

Oh, thank you for coming.

- Put this on.
- Oh, I'm not cold.

- Stop fighting me.
- Yes, Charlie.

- You're going for a ride.
- Yes, Charlie.

I'm going to take you on
our special Rome By Night tour

to make up for all this.

But shouldn't we be
at the farewell dinner tonight?

Eighteen Yanks in paper party hats
will never miss us.

Oh, how to lose a job in one easy lesson.

There are many other jobs,
but not too many other...

Look at me.

And where are you going to take a girl
who's just fallen into a fountain?

Like falling off a horse. I reckon you had
to get right back on one again.

Welcome to the Villa D'Este.

You're a funny man, Charlie.

Funny strange or funny "ha ha"?

Funny unpredictable.

I never know what you're gonna do next.

I do. I'll be guiding
World Wind Tour Number 226.

Why?

Because this is
World Wind Tour Number 225.

How long are you going to be doing that?

Until they find your bleached white bones
pointing to some monument?

- No, I'll quit one day.
- And do what?

I'll put out a small, inexpensive newspaper

in four or five languages
for the tourists in Europe.

Tell them what's on, what's off,

where the bargains are, where to eat,

concerts, plays, girlie shows, festivals,
horse races. You name it, we'll print it.

And I could keep traveling around,
alone in my own car,

getting news, never getting bored.

None of it will ever happen.

Why? It sounds like a great idea.

Oh, it is.

For someone who's ready
to take on responsibility.

Not me.

Maybe you'll change someday.

Wouldn't that be nice?

All I can tell you is,
her name is Irma Blakely.

Irma! Capital "I," small "R,"
small "M," small "A."

Well, I'm calling you because
I'm calling every possible hotel in Rome.

This is a dire emergency.

You're the what?

The Y.M.C.A. All capital letters.
I know. I know.

And now, to show my appreciation,

I would like very much
from the audience a man.

Me, me, me, me, me.

A man that will dance
with the girls.

Mamma mia!
Isn't there anyone?

There is my man.

No, no, no, look, I'm a married man.
I'm a married man

I can't even do the fox trot.

Okay, girls, azione.

I can't.

Harvey Blakely!

Irma! That's my wife.

Oh, I wish I was dead.

Irma! Irma, darling!

- Don't touch me!
- Irma, it's me!

No, it's not!
It's some playboy I never knew!

Hi.

Good morning.

It's a beautiful morning.

- Weatherwise.
- And otherwise.

Your friend is very generous
to let you stay here when you're in Rome.

- Only when he's not in Rome.
- He's missing a fantastic view.

- That he is.
- You like it?

Very chic.

It's a new line from my department,
I'll call it the shirt-off-his-back model.

- You think they'll go for it?
- In droves.

Especially if you're in it.

Ah, that may limit the sale to just one.

Sold to this customer,
the man with the gleam in his eye.

- Still, Charlie?
- Brighter than ever.

- You know what?
- What?

The bus leaves for the airport
in two hours.

You know,
you sound like me two weeks ago.

A walking time schedule.

The best two weeks
a girl from Minneapolis ever had.

Don't go back, Sam.

Charlie, I'm a square.

I have to know where I'm headed.
I can't just drift.

Look, we drifted into this
and it's not all that bad, is it?

It's perfect. That's what's so scary.

- You're scared?
- Not you, too?

Petrified.

- But why?
- To find I'm in love enormously.

Charlie.

- I'll miss my plane.
- Wouldn't that be nice?

Mr. Marino, please.

Giovanni? Giovanni?
Giovanni Marinamanno?

- Yeah.
- Io your cousin-o.

You're the cousin I've been avoid...

Well, my heartfelt condolences,
Mr. Marino, but we've got to go.

So, that's the relative that was leaving
all those messages for you.

I missed her completely.

Look who's talking.

Sometime, if I'm out your way,
I'd like to meet your kids.

How about Christmas?
You must get a few days off.

How about Thanksgiving? That's sooner.

Psst.

Oh, nuts. I've run out of ink.

Edna, next year
I won't even let you take a pen.

Next year? Where are we going next year?

- Romantic Scandinavia.
- Oh, Fred.

You know where I'd like to go next year?

Where?
All the places you missed this year?

Japan. I got lots of friends there now.

- Mr. Greenfield. Safe trip.
- Thanks for everything.

- Mrs. Gooding.
- Bye bye.

- Charlie, thanks for everything.
- Pleasure, Mr. Harmon.

- Charlie, have you seen Irma?
- First one through.

- You're a life saver.
- Look after her.

You won't believe this, Charlie boy,
but I'm actually sorry I'm leaving.

I'm delighted.

And I'm going to give you a great big kiss.

Edna.

- Bye, Mrs. Ferguson.
- Thanks a zillion.

Shelly, it's a pleasure.
Don't miss the flight.

Miss Sam...

Trans World Airlines
Starstream Flight 841,

Royal Ambassador service,
nonstop to New York.

Now in the final boarding process
at Gate 11.

All passengers should be
on board.

Marry me.

It won't work.

Why not? Why not?

You're the first girl
I've ever asked to marry me.

Surely that must prove something.

It proves I'm a little more special
than I thought I was.

And for that I thank you.

Charlie, you're a very special man
to be loved by.

Why, if it weren't for you,
I might have married George

and that would have been idiotic, huh?

Well, what will you do?

- I don't know. Think.
- No, don't.

Look, for the first time in your life,
take a chance.

Leap before you look.

That's not me.

Can't you think over here?

Back in Minneapolis
there are no Rhine castles

and there are no gondolas and
there's no bloody magic to confuse me.

Sam! You'd better come right now.

Samantha, love,
it's not that bloody difficult.

All you've got to decide is whether you
want to be married to me, or not to me.

That is the question.

This is
the final call

for Trans World Airlines Starstream
Flight 841,

Royal Ambassador Service,
nonstop to New York.

Now in the final boarding process
at Gate 11.

All passengers should be
on board.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this will be, for the next three weeks,
your home sweet home

away from home sweet home,

complete with all comforts
of same.

Reclining seats, which we will rotate so
that everyone gets a turn at the window.

Rather like a game of musical chairs.

That way, perhaps,
you may find yourself seated next to

somebody with whom
you will make beautiful music.

Oh, it's happened before. On this very bus.

If this is London
why ain't it raining?

The sun is shining
on St. Paul's dome

If this is real,
then I must be dreaming

Can't wait to tell
the folks back home

Can't wait to tell
the folks back home

If it's Tuesday this must be Belgium

If it's Wednesday this must be Rome

If it's Thursday this must be Montreux

I fear I never wanna go home

I fear I never wanna go home