All language subtitles for Flack.S01E03.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Subtitles01.eng

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

POLICEMAN: Okay.
So let me get this straight.

You're saying you were
on Hampstead Heath
at 23:07, alone,

walking your dog.

That is correct.

And for no reason,
you were attacked.

Yup.

But you don't want
to press charges.

I just don't want the bother,
and he'll be long gone by now.

Did you see your assailant?

Only the back of his head...

As he was running away.

Okay. Well, now that's
all cleared up, I'm assuming
we're free to leave.

(DOG PANTING)

Thanks you, Robyn.
I didn't know
who else to call.

It's all right.

What am I supposed
to do with this?

Feed it twice a day.
Take it for nice, long walks.

Treat it to
the occasional bone.

But I don't want a dog!

If you'd like to go back
in there and change
your statement,

you're more than welcome.

(SIGHS)

All right, his name is Lumpy
and you might want to get
that eye looked at.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on, Lumpy.

(DOG WHIMPERING)

RUTH: It's my birthday
and I am going to party.

Ow!

(GRUNTS)

Sorry, Teddy is getting
really bite-y.

Honestly, my nipples
are a mess.

You know those machines
they have at the pier?
The ones that flatten pennies?

It feels like my nipples
have gone through
one of those machines.

(GIGGLING)

Don't laugh. I'm not kidding.

I'm sorry.

Seriously, go enjoy
your titties

while they're yours.
These days...

Mine are either juice boxes
for the kids or Mark
is grabbing at them

like he's testing avocados.

Speaking of which,
how's that going?
Are you guys still trying?

Sorry, was that
a bad thing to say?

No, not at all.

Yes, we're trying.
It's just taking a while.

Honestly. That is
for the best.
I'm not kidding.

Mark barely had to breathe on
my vagina, and I was pregnant,

I'm not complaining but,
you know, a warning shot
would've been nice.

Fertile son of a...Ow!

(GRUNTING)
God damn it!

I have got to put
the baby down now. Do you
want me to call you back?

No. Go. Sleep. I love you.

Love you. Bye.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOANING ON VIDEO)

(CLICKS)
(VIDEO CONTINUES PLAYING)

(DOOR UNLOCKING)

(THUDS)

SAM: Oh, fuck!

ROBYN: Turn the light on, babe.

(WHISPERS)
Sorry.

How was your night?

Fantastic. Tramp took
a shit in the corridor.

Dairy protest?

No, protest is a bit
sophisticated for what I saw.

Brought this back.

Like, go in and get
checked, you know.

Rule things out. Have a read.

Interesting moment
at work today.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Tabitha, the new junior
nurses' assistant,
tried to have sex with me.

I'm sorry. What?

Mmm-hmm. I know what
you're thinking, but she's not
fat or hairy or mentally ill.

She's actually pretty fit.
Looks like a slightly less
toothy Billie Piper.

Okay.

Yeah, proper pass. Asked me
for a lift home and everything.
It was a slam dunk.

Great. What did you do?

Fucked her.

(LAUGHS)

I'm kidding! I told her I have
a lovely girlfriend waiting
for me at home, of course.

(KISSES)

Great story.

Someone jealous?

Just not sure
why you're telling me.

I don't know.
I thought it was funny.

Don't you wanna know
how desirable
your boyfriend is?

Not really. Do you wanna
know about all the men
who try to fuck me?

Wow.

Christ, okay. Don't know
what's gone up your arse.

Just not sure what point
you're making.

Do want a medal
for not cheating on me?

No, of course not, I just...

Okay, sorry if I misjudged it,
it wasn't meant to be
a big deal.

Then, why'd you tell me?

I don't know, it was just...
it was on my mind and
I thought it was...

Oh, well, forget it, forget it.

Forgive me for sharing.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM BEEPING)

Ha. You came back.

You noticed.

I don't know
if it was the coke

or your Uber driver
ruining Simon's
hand job story,

but wow, you definitely
made an impression.

Yeah, I feel awful
about that.

No, don't. He's got
a million stories like that.

Last week, he was telling this
one about getting rimmed
in Nando's by a post man.

Absolute classic.
The guy has been
married eleven years.

Do you want a drag?
No.

Yeah. Trying to quit.

Ah, Vogues. Classy.

Makes me feel like
a fat fingered Audrey Hepburn.

Oh, God.
I'm Tom, by the way.

Robyn.

Like the super hero?

Sidekick. Robin's not
a super hero. He's a sidekick.

But I'm plenty happy
being in the background.

It's odd when you start
these things. Everyone
has got more hours than you.

I remember feeling like
I joined a cult.

They were gonna ask me
to marry my sister.

It gets better thought.
I promise.

Mm. Can't wait.

How long have you
been in the rooms?

Three years.

Wow!
Yeah.

Wish I could say it was easy.

I mean, some days
you feel like you nicked it,
and other days, it just...

Bang! It just kicks you
in the bollocks
like an angry mule.

Or lady bollocks,
in your case.

Anyway...
We should head inside.

Um...
Stick at it.

I don't know
if you've got a sponsor...

If you ever wanna talk
about your recovery...

Or anything else,
for that matter.

(CHUCKLES)

So, I found out a guy who
I went to school with is trans.

(GIGGLING)

Does that happen
to any of you?

It's pretty confusing.

He's... Obviously, now,
I know that "he" is a "she".

But what if I wanna
talk about my past?

Is he a "he" before
a certain time?

Or is there like
a cut off point?

Sorry, bad joke, I suppose.

Now, to do something
like that, it takes balls.

That's a funny line.

MAN: Sorry, have I just
walked into a working
men's club from the '80s

Appreciating someone
having to undergo intensive
and invasive

gender re-assignment surgery,
must've been very difficult
for you.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Not quite the point
I was making.

I mean, yeah, that's fine.
Over 20 grand
for the treatment,

but you're confused about
which pronouns to use.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Yeah, all right, sit back down,
love, 'cause people have come
here for some comedy.

MAN: Yeah, when's
that gonna start, eh?

(CROWD LAUGHING)

You're lucky there's not
a dick under there anymore,
or I'd knock you in your arse!

Oh, come on,
how was I supposed to know

there was a trans
comedian in the audience?

I mean, what're the chances
of that happening?

Well, she was on the line-up,
so, I'd say pretty fuckin' high.

Well, I don't even know
who Allie Gregs is!

And neither did I, but now
I do, it's all over Twitter.

Oh, come on,
it wasn't even that offensive.
I was being ironic.

How is it ironic?

Because...

I'm not trans.

Live nation is threatening
to pull the whole tour.

Hundred and forty-seven
thousand hits?

That is not a good thing.

I thought there was
no such thing as bad publicity.

If one person throws
that bullshit at me...

Just have a conversation
with Kevin Spacey
and he can fill you in.

I can't...
We talked about this.

You said, try a bit more
edgy material,
be a bit more risque,

it'll play well
with young people.

I meant, try
and joke about ISIS,

not offend an entire
community of people.

You don't think she's
being a tiny bit sensitive?

You know, the most damaging
thing about this tape is that
she's being funnier than you.

Hey. I resent that.
That is new material.

I'm running that in.
That is not
going to be perfect...

Enough!

Go bathe
and put some pants on.
We've got work to do.

Trans...

Okay, so we are going
for full mea culpa,

egg on face, big apologies,

kissing trans babies,
the works.
Trans babies?

Isn't this the man who got
kicked out at the comedy awards

for dipping his balls
on the Head
of BBC comedy's Prosecco?

Not sure humility
is his strong point.

Melody, I need you to get
in touch with Allie Gregs.

She's not gonna wanna talk
to you but do whatever it takes.

We need to contain this.

Earth to Melody.
Yes, got it.

Ooh, Tom, kiss.

Anyone nice?

Oh, no,
just a guy from NA.

It's not...
He was offering
to be my sponsor.

I bet he was.

God, I love a damaged man.
Is he cute?

I haven't really
thought about it.

Yeah. Well, whatever.

Well, enjoy sponsoring
his brains out.

Maybe I should set up
the two of you.

Hmm, last time I went
on a blind date, I ended up

climbing out of a window
at Sexy Fish.

Seriously. He's hot.

Oh, he's hot now, is he?

I thought you hadn't
thought about it.
Shut up.

Do you wanna fuck him
with my vagina? Is that it?

Don't be a dick.
Look, if you need me
to have sex

with him, you don't have to,
you just have to ask.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Selena Pope's been
spotted with her...
BOTH: Yep. Got it.

Christ.

When it rains, everyone's
an idiotic twit. Right.
I'll deal with Proctorgate.

I need some transgender celebs
who will agree to be friends
with Dan Proctor.

I can only think
of Caitlin Jenner

and that lady
that won Big Brother.

Definitely start
with Big Brother.

Taxi.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hello.
Hi.

Are we still on for tonight?

Of course.

Good. 'Cause I'm gonna
get F-ed up...

Mummy, higher.
Mummy is
on the phone, bubba.

Are you absolutely sure

you don't wanna spend
your birthday with Mark?

I've spent every night
of my life with Mark.

For once, he can look
after his children,

while mummy gets her party on.

Mummy!
Okay.

Oh, my God, I cannot tell you
how excited I am for tonight.

I feel like it has been ages
since I got a proper night out.

You better get ready
because Mummy is going
to bring the thunder.

Okay, but you will stop
referring to yourself as Mummy

this evening, right?
'Cause it's
kinda weirding me out.

That is noted.

I'll see you later.

Love you.
Higher.

Put your back into it, woman.

What part of "Wear it
at all times" confused you?

Uh, I needed soya.

I popped out
for like five seconds.

How was I supposed to know
there was a paparazzi

hiding behind my neighbor's
fucking Qashqai?

You're supposed to be
eight-and-a-half months
pregnant.

You cannot leave the house
without your fucking baby.

I forgot.
You forgot?

How many times
have we been through this?

Nine months, nine bumps.

I even numbered them for you.

This is really hard.

No, Selena, having
an actual baby is hard.

This is shoving a cushion
up your jumper.
Stop shouting.

Look, why don't we just say
I lost the baby?

ROSE:
Uh, excuse me?

And what exactly would you
like me to do with this?

Christ! I don't know.
I'm just trying a little
bit of blue sky thinking.

Can we just kinda
take a night early?

Oh, maybe next time you could
have your own bloody baby.

Okay, we've been through this.
I have got hostile womb...

And a very busy schedule.

Also, I don't want
my vagina ripped

to my arsehole.
Is that okay with you?

That is what
I'm paying her for.

Sorry, Rose.

When was the last time you were
photographed with the bump?

Oh, the talk on body confidence
for International Women's Day.

Maybe ten days ago.

That's when you had the baby.
That night, it came early

and since then,
you've been working hard

to drop the baby weight.

She's also been working
really fucking hard.

Yeah.

But what about the baby?
We don't have a baby.

We will just have to borrow one
until the actual baby arrives.

ROSE: Borrow one?

When the baby's born, it's date
of birth will be on its birth
certificate. It won't match.

ROBYN:
That we can deal with.

According to Wikipedia,
she's 29.

(SCOFFS)

Oh, great. Hi, guys.
Thank you
so much for doing this.

This is Dan.

Who are these people?

Dan, this is James and Coco

and they're from organization
called TransEducate.

And they've
very kindly agreed
to come here today

to educate you
about your ignorance.

Seriously?
Okay, don't look,

but there's
a photographer with
a long lens just over there.

We're just having casual lunch
with your casual trans friends.

We're showing how casually
not transphobic you are. Okay?

All you have to do is talk
to them, and not be a bigot.

Can you do that?

Dan Proctor.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Hi.

Hi.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hiya. You Allie Gregs?
Yeah.

My name is Melody. I work
for Dan Proctor's PR company.

I was just wondering
if we could have a chat...

No callbacks.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Oh, God.

Yep.
How's it going?

Um, not great.

I need someone
who's had a baby
in the last six weeks.

(PHONE VIBRATES)
Oh, hang on.

Eve's calling. Let me see
if I can patch with her.

(SPEAKING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)

I need a baby.

Same thing happened
to my friend literally
the day she hit 30.

No, I need to borrow one.

Oh, what about Cheryl
from Accounts?

She had a baby, like,
a week ago.

Which one's Cheryl?
Red hair.

She's married to Ian
with the beard.

You said she looked
like a love child
of Ed Sheeran and a cookie.

Oh. (LAUGHS)
Cheryl.
Was she pregnant?

Only for nine months.

Melody, can you text me
her address?
Mmm-hmm.

Eve, how's it going
on your end?

All good. Operation
Some-of-my-best-friends-
are-black is a go.

(BABY CRYING)
(SHUSHING)

It is so nice of you to come
and visit me.

Of course. All the girls
and I were talking about you
in the office this morning.

That's just so sweet.

No offense, but I didn't even
know if you knew who I was.

We often feel a bit left out,
down in accounts.

Don't be ridiculous.

What's her name?

It's Ivy

That's beautiful.

Do you want to hold her?

Oh! Um, no, I...

I could really do with peeing.

Okay

(BABY FUSSING)

You can have a mussy, so
she's not sick on your dress.

Mmm...

What's up, shorty?

(BABY COOING)

Yeah.

I feel the same way.

(BABY COOING)

Hey, you.

You're a natural.

Oh. (SHUSHING)
(BABY HICCUPING)

Cheryl, how do you fancy
getting out of the house today?

(BABY COOING)

You make a terrible
spy, you know?

Please, can I just
explain a minute?

I have an interview with
Abigail Reese at 2:00 pm.

I'm not speaking to anyone else.

Especially not to
Dan Dickhead Proctor's PR.

Please?

I'm the new girl in the office.
I've only just moved to London.

And I hardly know anyone.
I'm barely even
getting paid, so...

They already think
I'm some kind of
wide-eyed country bumpkin.

This is the first proper job
they've actually given me to do.

So I can't mess it up
'cause then they'll find out
I'm a total loser.

Please, I just...
I just want them to like me.

Did you seriously
just give a speech

about not fitting in to
a trans woman?

Jesus. Is there nothing
you people won't stoop to?

Oh, tits.

A bit stage-y. Creepy.

Serial killer. Okay, no.
We're going for
natural humility.

Look, I was just saying that
I knew him... I knew her

as a man, so it's confusing
knowing what to call them now.

Are you married?

Yeah.

What was her last name before
you were married?

Sarah? Barker.
Sarah Barker.

Then how on earth
did you get your head
around the fact

that you now
have to call her
Sarah Proctor?

Christ. It must be
so confusing for you.

You're Dan Proctor!

Sorry?

You're Dan Proctor!

No I'm not.

Oh, come on mate,
you're great.

I love that bit you do
about Popeye wanking.

(IMITATING POPEYE'S LAUGH,
BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(LAUGHS)
That is sick!

I used to do this whole
routine about Popeye having
much larger forearms than...

It's actually a lot
cleverer than he's...

Mate, can I get a picture?

Not now, mate.

Oh, come on.
Don't be a dick about it.

(STUTTERS) You can see
that I'm just having
a drink with my friends?

Can you turn that camera off?

(MAN LAUGHING)
All right, stop it, now.

(CAMERA CLICKING)
Don't shoot this.
Don't shoot this!

Uh, why is there
a photographer there?

Oh no, no, no.
He's not with us.

Is this a setup?
Mate, you are unbelievable.

No, no, wait, wait.

You're a fucking dinosaur.

And I've seen your
Popeye routine. It's shit.

Why is there
a baby in reception?

We borrowed it.

For Selena Pope.

Okay's doing the announcements.

Allie Gregs.

I tried talking to her,
but she's not interested.

She is meeting Abigail Reese at
the Dean Street Hotel at 2:00.

You know Reese.
Don't you, Robyn?

No. I used to know her a bit,
but I haven't...

Dan Proctor.

Right. Dan Proctor.

CAROLINE:
You have eleven seconds.

Not great. His twitter feed is
exploding with LGBTQ activists

calling for his tour to be
pulled. Live nation are
shitting themselves.

The video has already made it to
all national news outlets and is
already up on several websites,

and he just got slapped
round the face
by a sassy trans activist.

I spoke to Nadia
from Big Brother V.

We can claim ignorance...

Well, maybe if we dig deeper
into his family life.

(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION)

Stop.

Christ.

It's like being slowly stung
to death by incompetent wasps.

There's blood in the water.

Stop flapping around like
a bunch of epileptic penguins
and take control.

Here's what we're going to do.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah.
Allie Gregs, ten o'clock.

What the hell does
ten o'clock mean?

Behind you! Left!
She's coming your way now.
She's coming in.

Oh! I'm so sorry. So sorry.

Oh, my God.
Are you Allie Gregs?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah.

I saw your show
in Edinburgh.

Oh, really?

This is crazy. I just think
you're so brilliant...
(TALKING INAUDIBLY)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Reese!

Robyn, hi.

It's good to see you.

Same.

What are you doing here?

Just work. You?

I'm here to meet...

I'm not meeting
Allie Gregs, am I?

Christ. How do you people
creep in so quick?

I take it you're looking after
Dan Proctor these days.

(LAUGHS) Why don't we
grab a drink?

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Yes, I...
Hello. Is it Reese?

Not exactly.
Um, should we get a drink?

(EXCLAIMS)

Yeah.

CAROLINE:
Three Edinburgh festivals.

Eighty-seater, eighty-seater,
one hundred and twenty-seater.

Regular slot at London
clubs, average capacity
between two, three hundred.

Modest regional
touring circuit.

What's your point?
My point is that you're funny.
You have something to say.

Unfortunately right now,
no one is hearing you say it.

Dan Procter plays to
more people in one night

than you have played
to in the entire four years
of your career.

He won't when I'm
finished with him.

Do you really think so?

That video has been up
twenty-four hours.

It's already been watched
by nearly a million people.

Have you read
all the comments?

A biting interview
with Abigail Reese,

tearing Mr. Proctor
to shreds would be fun

and fair, but it's not
going to change things.

The same people will still be
sitting in the same pub saying,

I don't see what all
the fuss is about.

You don't change opinions
by talking to the nodding-dog
Guardian readers

who already agree with you.

You change them by pissing
in the mainstream.

How exactly do I do that?

Okay.

Entitled,
chauvinistic, ball bag

picks fight he can't win
with unknown
trans comedian.

Ooh.

Looking forward to this.

The perfect PR stunt.

Excuse me?

Think about it.

Dan Proctor is about to
announce his biggest tour ever.

Eighteen dates,
four at the O2.

You said it yourself.
No one talks about
Dan Proctor anymore.

He's middle of the road.
Mainstream.
Not an edge in sight.

But...

If Dan Procter were to be
supported on that tour

by the most dynamic and exciting
comedian on the circuit who just
so happens to be trans...

Now. That's an
interesting story.

Not to mention
an extraordinary platform

for such a vocal
ambassador of the trans
community as yourself.

If that were the case,

then staging a fight
with that comedian, a fight
that actively holds up a mirror

to the ignorance that trans
people face every single day...

A fight that accidentally
got leaked to a million people.

Well, that just might be
a stroke of genius.

Okay, I see where
you're going here. But why...

Why the fuck would I even
consider sharing a stage
with that prick?

I'm not being funny, but...

If you want me to eat
that shit, you need to
at least give me a spoon.

Dan's management has
agreed to give ten percent
of the profits to Stonewall.

As well as mention them
in all publicity.

He's one of the best known
comedians in the UK.

Twelve million
Twitter followers.

You think people would
actually believe it?

They will if they're
given an exclusive
by a credible journalist.

Particularly if that credible
journalist happens to be

a heavy influencer
in the LGBTQ community.

Wouldn't it be fun
to be the one journalist
who actually got the joke?

Okay, okay, I get it.
It's a great platform. You're
all crusaders for the cause

and all that. That's grand.
But let's cut the crap,
shall we?

How much?

Forty-five minutes material.

Fifty percent
of the box office.

The O2 is not exactly small.

Stonewall's ten percent
comes out of his cut.
Okay.

Plus you represent me for free.
For the first six months.

Twelve.
Eight.

Deal

Nice doing
business with you.

And he's agreed to all this?

Of course, he has.

Fifty percent?

It's actually forty
when you factor in Stonewall.

Not to mention our fee.

Well, it's madness! Whatever
happened to freedom of speech?

What, the PC patrol get to
dictate what I can and can't
talk about now, do they?

Dan, I think you can talk
about whatever you like.

You just have to be funny.

Belle, get Mr. Proctor here
a glass of fizzy water.

And stick a little
gin in it. Thanks.

Do you think my
Popeye routine is shit?

(LAUGHING)
EVE: Absolutely.
That's lovely.

That's lovely.
It's all lovely. It's great.

Get some more face.
Fantastic.

Um, sorry, just, um...

It's...
It's ginger. Is that a problem?

Lots of babies
are born with ginger hair.
Most lose it in the first year.

I did not know that.
Hm! (LAUGHING)
Mmm-hmm.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Nice big smile. Very nice.

So what do you do?

I'm the mother
of the real baby.

You?

Uh...

I suppose I'm the mother
of the fake baby.

Hmm.

All set with Allie?

May I?

Yeah.

So, how's Sam?

He's great.

We must
stop meeting like this.

House Tricks.

House tricks. Tricks are good.

Maybe we should
get a drink later.

Old times sake.

I don't think so.

What was it you
always used to say?

Girls don't count.

Reese...

Oh, come on. Don't tell me
you're no fun anymore.
Of all people...

The reason I don't want to fuck
you is not 'cause I'm no fun,
it's 'cause you're a clown.

Now please take
your hand off my ass.

There's my girl.

Christ, I cannot wait
to get shmammered tonight.

Reese...

Eve. How are ya?

Oh, you know.
Kicking ass,
taking names. You?

Great.

Nice to see you.

What?

Nothing. A bit awkward.

Mmm...
It's fine. Ancient history.

I hate bumping
into post shags.

I once went to a dinner party,
and got stuck opposite a guy

I'd spent an hour
tromboning the weekend before.

Kept getting
combat flashbacks.

May I ponce?

Mmm, feel free.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not...

Shut the front door,
that's amazing.

Really?

Christ, yes.
It's terrifying,
mental, but amazing.

It's times like this I wish
my tear ducts worked.

This is not the
response I expected.

Why not? It would be
a travesty not to continue
your gene pool.

I love a mini you
hanging around.

We can dress it in freebies
and use it to get
good parking spaces.

Just make sure
it's not a boy.

Don't get too excited.
It may not even
be a possibility.

I've not exactly looked after
myself all these years.

Look, babe.

Sam's amazing. He's like a
grown-up, but a grown-up you
want to hang out with.

Just promise me
you won't leave me.

Buy a Land Rover and move
to some god-forsaken Hamlet,

wearing nothing but
wellies and clothes with
human waste on them.

If it happens, and
that is a great big if.

I will be back here
within a week with that thing
hanging off my tit.

Promise?

Promise.

I don't want to touch it much,
so don't be offended.

Hi.

Hey.

You still up for tonight?
Yeah, of course.

Amazing. I thought we could
go to this place my mate
was telling me about.

They only do hotdogs,

and then for pudding you
have a hotdog as well,
but it's made of ice cream.

That sounds brilliant.
I know.

And apparently,
instead of ketchup
you get this sauce-

Melody, will you trace out that
copy for the okay announcement?

Yeah, of course.
I'll do that right away.

Why are you being weird?
Have you farted?

Yep. Sorry.

Sorry. Um...
You were saying
about ketchup?

Oh, uh.
It's strawberry sauce.

That sounds excellent.

Okay. You can
text me the address
and I'll meet you there?

(WHISPERS)
Okay, bye.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

EVE: This better be worth it.

This is not the sort of
underwear you wear
if nobody is going to see it.

If it doesn't work out,
I'll just have to flash the
mini-cab driver on my way home.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I keep
forgetting about the whole...
Just to calm the nerves.

It's fine.

Oi, oi!
Here we are! Hi!

Hi, beautiful.
Happy birthday!
(SQUEALING)

You remember Eve?

I do! Oh, my God,
you look stunning.

God, if I wore that, I would
look like a baby in a bib-bag,
but you look fantastic.

Actually I was going
for sushi roll.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Hey.

Oh, my God.
It's gorgeous!

I saw you eyeing up
that woman's when we were
at lunch a couple weeks ago.

And I thought the color
would go great with
that new coat you bought.

Oh, it's perfect.
It's a freebie, yeah?

No, it's fine! Honestly.

I'd have beaten the crap
out of you if you'd spent
that much money on a handbag.

All right. Jager bombs.
Come on. Who's with me?

Hi.
Hey.

Nice to see you outside
of a church function,
I mean...

You look great.

Aww. This old thing?

Uh, can I get
a coke, please?

Wow. This is not exactly
how my sponsorships
usually pan out.

More fun, though, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Um, I've never been
on a blind date before.

How did you know I was single?

Or was I just rocking
the whole sad, desperate,
heartbroken vibe?

No. No, not at all.

Well, that's a relief.

I'm sorry to hear
you had your heart broken.

Oh, it will fix right.
That's what I'm assured.

Recent?

Fairly. A bit messy, so I'm,
you know, in chaos.

I think I'm familiar with
that place. How did...

She screwed someone else.
Yeah, so that was good.

Hey. Leave her alone.
She's mine.

Oh, this is...
This is Ruth.

Ruth! Wow. It's...
Robyn said you were
a very sexy lady.

Did she now?

No, this is my sister.
That was Eve
I was talking about.

Brilliant. Cheers.
Eve's taking a piss, but it's
nice to meet you anyway.

It's my birthday.

Oh! Happy birthday.

(MUFFLED) Mm.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know
you were coming. I didn't get
you any jager bombs.

Hey, you know what?
That is...
That is quite all right.

But listen, why don't I get
the next round. What do you
want, the same again? Okay.

He seems nice.

He's here for Eve.

Don't get your knickers
in a twist.
I just did some coke!

What?
Yeah.

Eve has some in
her little thing.
Those are good, aren't they?

Jesus, Ruth.

Oh, don't be
all holier-than-thou

just because you are off of it
for the millionth time.

(SINGSONG) It's my birthday.

It's your birthday.

Don't tell Tom.

Right. Whose round?

Tom's getting us some drinks.

Oh he's here, is he?
Is he a freak?

He seems really nice.

He is really nice,
and you guys need to
calm the fuck down

and stop acting like
the witches of Eastwood

or he's going to think
we're all a bunch of crazies.

Hey!
What do you care?

Okay, so in the spirit
of mixing drinks, I thought
I'd get you tequilas.

(WHOOPING)

Tom, this is Eve.

Oh, Eve. Uh...

I don't actually drink tequila.
Do you mind getting me
something else?

Yeah, no. Uh, yeah,
what, uh... Jager bomb?

Jager bomb it is.
I'll get that.

Since when do you
not like tequila?

I'm negging him.

All part of the strat.

This is fun.

Well,
this place is wicked!

Yeah.

I heard some of the girls
talking about it at work.

And apparently, they serve
a cocktail here that's, like,
got an actual goldfish in it.

Sick.

Yeah.

(NERVOUS LAUGH) I'm having
such a fun night.

Really?
Mmm-hmm

Oh, God. I was so nervous
when I asked you out.

I've never really been out with
one of the office girls before.
They don't really talk to me.

Just give me dirty looks
when I'm replacing their
printer paper.

Oh, my God.
What?

Sorry, I've just, like...
(STUTTERING) I've just
bitten my tongue.

Sorry...
(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)

Carry on.

So you guys met
at the drugs thing?

Eve.
EVE: Oh sorry, sorry.
Is that supposed to be a secret?

No, the name
"narcotics anonymous"
is just ironic.

ROBYN: Why don't we talk
about something else?

Tom, what's your story?

My story?

Banker, lost loads of money,
couldn't hack it?

Not quite. I was a dancer
at the English National Ballet
for eleven years.

I started taking the coke
to keep my energy up.
Keep the weight off.

Then I busted my ankle.
Couldn't dance anymore,
so left the company,

but I didn't leave the coke.
And it got to the stage
where I realized,

I needed to stop doing it,
'cause it turned me
into a massive dick.

So you're a ballet dancer.
That's hilarious.

I knew you had a bit of gay
in you. Speaking of which,
I'm going for a fag.

Anyone else?

No thanks, I'm good.

You see, you're not what
I imaged a PR girl to be.

She's exactly what
I imagined a PR girl to be.

She's all right underneath.
She's just nervous.

Oi, you! I want tequila.

It makes me happy.

The thing is I get so nervous,
and all this crazy stuff comes
out, 'cause I'm freaking out

and my mouth just starts,
you know, chat, chat, chatting.

Oh, my God.

What?
Bite your tongue again?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Wow.

I'm sorry.

Um... Would you like
to go somewhere else?

Sounds great.

Great.

This is Kelly.
She's so clever.
(PHONE BUZZING)

She's awesome.

Hey.
It's me.

Have you seen
The Guardian online?

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Congratulations.
You just reversed back
up a cliff.

Yeah, it's a bit like
when I had that colonoscopy.

I know I should have
thanked the doctor,

but all I wanted to do
was punch him in the face.

You're welcome, Dan.

"Middle-aged comedian."

172,000 words
in the English language,

and that's my adjective?
Is that...

We'll speak soon.

RUTH: No, no, no!

Hey! No work tonight,
please.

Okay, so if I told you
I had some coke in my bag,
could I tempt you?

Boy, yeah, you could
certainly tempt me.

I think that would be
a strange thing to do
to a recovering drug addict.

Drug addict?

Sounds exciting.

Really?

(SNIFFS SHARPLY)

(CHUCKLES)
What are you doing?

Uh, what do you mean?

I don't know.

I can't figure out
if you're trying
to be cool or sexy,

or if you're just
a massive tit.

I mean, look at you,

you're wearing stockings.
This isn't Mad Men.

It's a Wednesday night.

Your underwear probably
costs more than a mini break
to Budapest.

Don't get me wrong.
You look hot, but Budapest
is a beautiful city.

And as for this,
do you really think
I care?

I stopped being impressed
by people taking drugs
when I was 14.

A drunken goatman got so high,
he started seeing ghosts
in a kebab shop.

Shat his Fred Perry jeans.
Yes, okay?

I did a lot of cocaine.
No, I don't do it anymore.

Now, can we please move on

before I take
one of your stupidly
high-heeled shoes

and stab myself
in the eye

just to stop your banter?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I'm sorry.
That was a little bit...

I'll, uh, go.
You have to come with me.

What?
Mmm.

Me. Come with me. Now.

Just get in there.
Right. We're in here.

What are you doing?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GRUNTS)
Okay, now...

(BOTH MOANING)

Ouch. Ouch.

I want you to fuck me.

Okay.

Don't you want this?

And this...

And this...

(MOANING)
Yeah. Um...

Why are you acting like you're
in a chocolate mousse advert?

(MOANS) I want you
to destroy me.

Okay. I mean,
that sounds great though.

We're in a disabled toilet.
I know.

Look, there's a bar on
the wall for people getting
in and out of wheelchairs.

Wheelchairs.
It's one of those
pulley things

for if you have an accident.
Uh-huh.

Why don't you come back
to my nice, comfy flat.

We'll stick some music on.
Stick on.

And then we can
think about destroying
each other.

Okay?
Okay.

All right.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God. I wish
I could do this
every fucking day!

Believe me, you don't.

Yes, I fucking do!

(SOFTLY) Oh,
for fuck's sake.

Hey.

(SOBS) Sorry.
I'm just really
fucking drunk.

Shh.

I need another drink.

All right.
I'll get you one.

Hey! Hey!

Get off her.
She's got two kids at home,
you sleaze!

(GROANS)

(RETCHES)
ROBYN: Whoa!

All right, al right.

Come on.

ROBYN: Come on.

RUTH: I want popcorn.

ROBYN: All right.

All right.
Come on.

(ROBYN GRUNTS)
RUTH: Okay, just...

Hold on.

ROBYN: Yep. Come on.

Feet, up.

(RETCHING)

(GROANING)

The hell is going on?

(SPITS)
She's feeling
a little rough.

I can speak
for myself!

I'm feeling
a little rough.

Jesus, Ruth,
what's wrong with you?

Oh, F-off!

Oh, that's nice.
That's really nice.

I am here every day.
I'm looking after them...

KELLY: Mummy?

Oh, hey, baby. Hey.
Did Mo...

(VOMITING AND COUGHING)

Is Mummy sick?

Mommy is just feeling
a little poorly, sweetheart.

MARK: Come on,
let's get you
back to bed.

KELLY: I want Mommy.

MARK: Yeah, well,
she's making silly noises.

I want Mummy.

I'm twenty-fucking-nine.

(RETCHING)

(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(MELLOW SONG PLAYING)