Original subtitles

GUESS WHAT, GUYS. I GOT A NEW JOB.

ANOTHER JOB, WHERE?

AT GUNG-HO VIDEOS.

MY COMMAND OF THE VERNACULAR

IMPRESSED BOTH MR. GUNG AND MR. HO.

THAT'S GREAT, HARRY. CONGRATULATIONS.

IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE. CAN WE GO INSIDE?

NO. WE'RE HERE TO EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING ON THIS PLANET,

EVEN THE UNCOMFORTABLE PARTS.

I HAVE SOME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE PARTS.

THEY SAID ON THE NEWS THE DEW POINT IS DROPPING.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW. IT JUST CAUGHT MY ATTENTION

'CAUSE IT SOUNDED KIND OF DIRTY.

WHY DO HUMANS WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT THE WEATHER?

THEY CAN'T GO 15 MINUTES WITHOUT GETTING AN UPDATE.

DON'T THESE PEOPLE HAVE WINDOWS?

I CANNOT DO MY BOOK REPORT.

MY FINGERS ARE GOING NUMB.

CAN WE PLEASE GO INSIDE?

ABSOLUTELY NOT. THIS IS RESEARCH.

NO ONE GOES IN WITHOUT A DAMN GOOD REASON.

[WIND HOWLS]

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER WHAT COLOR OUR NAPKINS ARE?

I'LL CHECK. I'LL GO CHECK.

[ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYS]

WHOO! I AM FREEZING.

WHY DON'T YOU WEAR A LONGER SKIRT?

WITH THESE LEGS?

I DON'T THINK SO.

DID YOU PICK UP MY TICKETS?

YES. AND YOUR HOTEL RESERVATION IN CHICAGO.

THERE'S YOUR ITINERARY.

OH, NINA. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME.

NOT EVERY ANTHROPOLOGIST RECEIVES THIS KIND OF HONOR.

I KNOW-- THE LOUIS LEAKEY AWARD.

TO STAND IN FRONT OF A CONFERENCE OF EDUCATORS

AND EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS ABOUT MY WORK,

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE.

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY?

NO REASON.

DR. ALBRIGHT! DR. ALBRIGHT!

GUESS WHAT.

YOU AND I ARE ON THE SAME FLIGHT.

SAME ROW, SIDE BY SIDE,

STRAPPED IN AT 38,000 FEET.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

WHY ARE YOU GOING TO THE CONFERENCE?

THEY'RE GIVING ME SOME KIND OF ACADEMIC AWARD.

THEY HAND THESE THINGS OUT LIKE CANDY MINTS.

ONCE THAT'S OUT OF THE WAY,

THE TWO OF US WILL EXPERIENCE THE MAGIC THAT IS CHICAGO.

WELL, ONCE AGAIN SOMETHING WONDERFUL IN MY LIFE

HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A GIANT CRAPFEST.

DR. ALBRIGHT, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I GUESS SHE'S SAVING UP HER EXCITEMENT FOR THE CRAPFEST.

YOU JUST DON'T GET IT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRESS

AND PEOPLE WHO GIVE STRESS,

AND YOU ARE A GIVER.

WELL, THAT'S NONSENSE.

[KNOCKING] DR. SOLOMON?

WELL, COME IN, LEON.

COME IN, COME IN, COME ALL THE WAY IN.

CAN I HAVE THE WEEKEND TO TURN IN MY PAPER?

LEON, DO YOU FIND THAT I CAUSE YOU STRESS?

DID SOMEONE SAY I SAID THAT?

NO.

IT'S ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING.

I LOVE PHYSICS. I FIND IT VERY SOOTHING.

PLEASE DON'T FAIL ME.

I'LL TURN THE PAPER IN BY FRIDAY.

LEON--

THAT WAS A STRESS REACTION.

YES, IT WAS.

YOU'VE OPENED MY EYES.

I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE DR. ALBRIGHT'S WEEKEND IS STRESS-FREE,

HASSLE-FREE, AND COMPLETELY WITHOUT UNPLEASANTNESS.

OH, YOU'RE NOT GOING?

TOMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU HAD THAT BOOK REPORT DUE ON DICKENS.

YEAH. IT WAS SO BORING.

I REALIZED I COULD MAKE IT EASIER BY WATCHING THE MOVIE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE NO KID THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE.

I'LL HELP YOU WHEN I'M DONE REORGANIZING HERE.

WHY? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH IT?

IT WAS A MESS, EVERYTHING JUST LUMPED TOGETHER.

ALL THE As, ALL THE Bs...

26 UNRELATED CATEGORIES, EXCEPT FOR "X,"

WHICH HAS ITS OWN ROOM.

HOW DOES IT WORK NOW?

OH, THINGS ARE MUCH SIMPLER NOW. LOOK.

GOOD MOVIES...

BAD MOVIES...

MOVIES I HAVEN'T SEEN.

PARDON ME.

WHERE CAN I FIND ALIENS?

NOWHERE.

NOT HERE. THAT'S FOR SURE.

NOBODY HERE, BUT US HUMANS.

* LA LA LA--

STOP LOOKING AT ME.

DO YOU REALLY THINK THIS TRIP IS A GOOD IDEA?

I SAW ON TV A LOW PRESSURE FRONT MOVING IN.

LOW PRESSURE. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT DR. ALBRIGHT NEEDS.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

THERE SHE IS NOW.

THIS DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.

SEPARATING FROM THE UNIT FOR AN ENTIRE WEEKEND IS MADNESS.

AS FIRST SECURITY OFFICER, I FORBID IT.

I'M HIGH COMMANDER, AND I'M GOING.

COME ON. WHY?

LIEUTENANT, DON'T WORRY.

I'VE PREPARED FOR EVERY EVENTUALITY.

YOU'RE TAKING THIS FAR TOO LIGHTLY.

YOU'VE NEVER TRAVELED HERE BEFORE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO PACK?

HOW WILL I REACH YOU IN CHICAGO?

I'M TAKING THE PHONE. YOU KNOW THE NUMBER.

WHY ARE YOU TAKING REFRIGERATOR MAGNETS?

CHICAGO, THE WINDY CITY...

ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LET'S SAY AN URGENT MESSAGE COMES IN FOR DR. ALBRIGHT.

SHE'S OUT SIGHTSEEING.

I LAY IT ON THE NIGHTSTAND

BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY TO SECURE IT TO A METALLIC SURFACE.

A GUST OF WIND BLOWS IT UNDER THE BED

AND MARY NEVER DISCOVERS HER LONG-LOST IDENTICAL TWIN

ALL FOR WANT OF A MAGNETIC BANANA.

[HONK HONK]

NOW, THAT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF NEEDLESS AGITATION

THAT I INTEND TO PREVENT.

UNDERSTOOD. TRAVEL WELL, COMMANDER.

I SHALL RETURN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M ENTERING THE POD.

JUST SIT DOWN AND BEHAVE YOURSELF.

OF COURSE I WILL, MARY.

HERE I AM, SITTING.

JUST BE CALM, TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

WELCOME TO NORTHVIEW AIRLINES FLIGHT 604 TO CHICAGO....

OH, MY GOD! OUT THERE!

THERE'S SOMETHING ON THE WING!

IT'S AN ENGINE.

THIS THING IS A DEATHTRAP.

SKYWAITRESS! SKYWAITRESS!

PLEASE BE QUIET DURING SAFETY PROCEDURES.

SAFETY?

ON THIS FLYING DONKEY CART?

THAT'S RICH!

HOW CAN ANYONE STAY CALM

WHEN ANY SECOND WE CAN GO CAREENING OUT OF THE SKY

IN A FLAMING HEAP OF TWISTED METAL?

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

AT LEAST GIVE HER A GELATIN-FILLED HELMET

TO KEEP HER BRAIN INTACT.

SHE'S RECEIVING AN AWARD!

PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

NO! WE'RE GETTING OFF!

WHO'S WITH ME?

I'VE NEVER BEEN KICKED OFF A PLANE BEFORE.

BE GRATEFUL WE WERE STILL ON THE GROUND.

YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME YOU WERE AFRAID TO FLY.

ONLY ON AIRPLANES.

INSTEAD OF A 45 MINUTE FLIGHT I HAVE A 7 HOUR DRIVE.

I'VE ANTICIPATED YOUR NEEDS.

I'M READY TO FILL THE REMAINING 6 HOURS AND 50 MINUTES

WITH MIRTH AND MERRIMENT. I BROUGHT MAD LIBS.

I NEED THE NAME OF SOMEONE IN THE ROOM.

DICK.

DICK.

THIS IS FUNNY ALREADY.

OH, LOOK. IT'S STARTING TO SNOW.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? HAVEN'T YOU SEEN A SNOWFLAKE BEFORE?

YES. AND I'VE PRAYED I'D NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN.

TURN ON THE HIGH BEAMS.

THEY FEAR THE LIGHT.

WHERE CAN I FIND REMAINS OF THE DAY?

OH, THAT WOULD BE IN THE "I DIDN'T SEE IT" SECTION.

HARRY, I FINALLY FOUND WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR,

DAVID COPPERFIELD.

IT DOESN'T LOOK BORING.

HE SAWS HIMSELF IN HALF

AND MAKES THE STATUE OF LIBERTY DISAPPEAR.

HEY, LOOK OUT THE WINDOW.

WHAAAA!

THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE!

ALBINO BRAIN-CHIGGERS.

COVER YOUR EARS!

HARRY, IT'S SNOW! SNOW!

I LEARNED IT IN SCIENCE CLASS.

COME ON OUTSIDE WITH ME.

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME IN IT.

OH, MY GOD!

IT'S COVERING EVERYTHING.

THE WHOLE TOWN IS BEING OBLITERATED.

HELLO!

I'M UP HERE.

I'M UP HERE.

I'M UP HERE.

OH, UH, O.K.

I KNOW THE TERM PAPER'S LATE,

BUT MY CAR WOULDN'T START.

WHO CARES? YOU'RE ALIVE.

YOU'RE ALIVE!

WHO ARE YOU?

OH, I'M A STUDENT OF DR. SOLOMON'S.

I'M LEON.

I'M A SISTER OF DR. SOLOMON'S. I'M SALLY.

I KNOW. I SAW YOU ONCE, WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIS LUNCH.

AND THEN YOU WENT TO THE DRY CLEANERS,

THEN THE SHOE REPAIR PLACE...

AND THEN THE CAR WASH.

AND THEN YOU WENT HOME

AND READ A BOOK BY THE WINDOW...

FOR THREE HOURS.

I REMEMBER THAT DAY.

LISTEN, LEON, NOT TO FREAK YOU OUT,

BUT I THINK THE EARTH IS SPIRALING OUT OF THE SUN'S ORBIT,

AND WE'RE HEADING FOR A NEW ICE AGE.

OH, DID THEY SAY THAT ON THE NEWS?

NO, BUT TRUST ME.

I'VE SEEN THIS HAPPEN BEFORE.

WE COULD BE THE LAST CREATURES ALIVE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

OUR FIRST RESPONSIBILITY IS TO BREED.

WE MUST...

MUST COPULATE AS MUCH AS WE CAN!

WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTIONED IT,

I DIDN'T SEE ANY PEOPLE ON THE WAY OVER.

DAMN!

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO IT WITH THE LIGHTS OUT?

* A BOY LIKE THAT WILL KILL YOUR BROTHER *

* FORGET THAT BOY AND FIND ANOTHER *

* ONE OF YOUR OWN KIND

* STICK TO YOUR OWN KIND *

* THAT APPEAL, CAN IT LAST? *

* CAN IT APPEAL WHEN THERE'S NO HEART? *

* HE'S A BOY WHO HAS NO HEART *

* VERY SMART

* OH, NO, MARIA

* OH, YOU SH--

THE SNOW'S MAKING YOU HYSTERICAL.

I JUST LIKE TO SING SHOW TUNES ON LONG TRIPS.

BEFORE I FOUND ANTHROPOLOGY,

I WAS GOING TO BE A THEATER MAJOR.

DID I TELL YOU WHY I BECAME A TEACHER?

LIKE ALL LITTLE GIRLS,

I HAD A THING FOR NEOLITHIC ARCHEOLOGY.

MY FATHER USED TO CUT UP MY BARBIES

AND BURY THE PIECES IN THE YARD.

ONLY PROBLEM WAS ON MY FIRST DIG,

I DISCOVERED I WAS AFRAID OF SKELETONS.

BOY, IT'S REALLY COMING DOWN NOW.

POOR, SWEET, TINY MARY.

YOU CAN DROP THE BRAVE FRONT.

WE'RE UNDER ATTACK. PULL OVER.

WHAT? I'M COMMANDEERING THIS CAR.

OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT. IT'S A FULL-SCALE INVASION!

I'LL SAVE YOU! AAH!

ARE YOU GETTING FEELING BACK IN YOUR HANDS?

NO.

WELL, THE WALK WASN'T TOO BAD.

OH, YEAH. THE LAST 4 MILES JUST FLEW BY.

YOU PLOWED MY CAR INTO A SNOWBANK.

I KNOW. AND WE THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO FIGHT BACK.

AREN'T WE SILLY?

IF ANYTHING IS WRONG WITH THAT CAR,

I'M HOLDING YOU RESPONSIBLE.

MARY, WE'VE GOT TO STICK TOGETHER.

THE ROADS ARE CLOSED, AND LOOK AROUND.

WE'RE SURROUNDED BY NEANDERTHALS.

THAT'S A FAIR ASSESSMENT, ISN'T IT, FELLOWS?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, HONEY?

YES, I'M FINE. THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, YOUR BOYFRIEND'S KIND OF CUTE.

HIM?

THE WAY HE SPENT THE LAST HOUR

TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION.

OH, HE'S AN IDIOT.

HONEY, THEY'RE ALL IDIOTS.

BUT THIS ONE IS LOOKING AT YOU

LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY WOMAN ON THE PLANET.

YOU'RE PRETTY, BUT YOU'RE NOT THE LAST HAM SANDWICH IN HUNGRY TOWN

IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.

YES...IT DID?

OH, MY GOD.

WHERE?

AND YOU'RE SURE?

THANK YOU.

MARY, THAT PLANE THAT I GOT US THROWN OFF OF...

YES.

IT NEVER REACHED CHICAGO.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD! OH!

YES! THE AIRPORT WAS CLOSED,

AND THEY WERE DIVERTED TO GARY, INDIANA.

GARY IS 20 MINUTES FROM CHICAGO.

WELL, IT'S AN INCONVENIENCE, NONETHELESS.

I THINK SOMEONE OWES ME AN APOLOGY.

O.K. HERE ARE OUR RATIONS--

TUNA SALAD ON WHOLE WHEAT.

SORRY. ALL WE HAVE TO DRINK IS THIS GIANT BOTTLE OF WINE.

IT HAS A MODEST BOUQUET,

BUT I THINK YOU'LL BE AMUSED BY ITS PRESUMPTUOUSNESS.

WHATEVER.

WELL, LEON...

TO THE SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES.

OH, HMM, YES.

WHY ARE YOU NERVOUS?

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN WITH A WOMAN

OF YOUR... GOOD-LOOKINGNESS BEFORE.

YEAH, I KNOW, I'M HOT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF EXCITING FOR ME, TOO.

ALL THE MEN I'VE MET HAVE BEEN STRONG

AND DECISIVE, AND...

YOU'RE NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS.

WELL, I CAN BE.

MAYBE.

PROBABLY NOT.

OH, LEON...

THINK WHAT OUR OFFSPRING WILL BE LIKE.

HE'LL HAVE MY SKILLS AS A WARRIOR

AND YOUR FIERCE INTELLIGENCE.

DR. SOLOMON DOESN'T TALK MUCH ABOUT ME, DOES HE?

I THINK YOU'RE JUST TRYING TOO HARD.

OH, TRY-- IT'S EXHAUSTING.

NOTHING I DO IS RIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S YOUR FIRST MISTAKE.

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

WOMEN DON'T WANT YOU TO DO EVERYTHING.

ACCORDING TO WHO?

OPRAH.

YEAH, OPRAH.

SO WHAT DO I DO?

WELL, YOU GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS...

WHEN SHE NEEDS IT.

AND YOU TRY TO UNDERSTAND

WHEN SHE NEEDS HER FREEDOM TO WANT WHAT SHE NEEDS.

THEN SHE'S FREE TO WANT IT WHEN SHE NEEDS IT OR NOT.

YOU SEE WHAT WE'RE SAYING?

YOU HAVE GOT TO PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT SHE LIKES

AND SHARE IT WITH HER.

YOU SEE WHAT HE'S SAYING?

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU SEE WHAT WE'RE SAYING?

I SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

BUT WHAT DOES SHE LIKE?

OOH, OOH, OOH!

I KNOW THE PERFECT THING.

NO. SHE HATES THAT.

OOH! I KNOW!

NO. THAT MADE HER THROW UP.

WELL, IT'S HARD, ISN'T IT?

IT IS DAMN HARD.

* OO-OK

* LAHOMA, WHERE THE WIND COMES *

* SWEEPING DOWN THE PLAIN

DON'T EVEN TRY IT.

* AND THE WAVING WHEAT

* CAN SURE SMELL SWEET

* WHEN THE WIND COMES RIGHT BEHIND THE RAIN *

* OO-OK

* LAHOMA, EVERY NIGHT MY HONEY LAMB AND I *

* SIT ALONE AND TALK

* AND WATCH A HAWK

* MAKING LAZY CIRCLES IN THE SKY *

* WE KNOW WE BELONG TO THE LAND *

* AND THE LAND WE BELONG TO IS GRAND *

* YIPPEE-YI, YIPPEE-YAY

* YIPPEE-YAY

OH.

* AND WHEN WE SAY

* YIP-KI-YO-KI-YAY

* WE'RE ONLY SAYING YOU'RE DOING FINE, OKLAHOMA *

* OKLAHOMA, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A *

* OKLAHOOOO-OM

* MA

* YEAH

I DON'T KNOW WHY I WAS SO AFRAID OF THE SNOW.

IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU KNOW THAT SLUSH IN THE GUTTER?

CALL ME CRAZY,

BUT PUT A LITTLE CHERRY SYRUP ON THAT,

YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A COOL, REFRESHING TREAT.

HERE. LISTEN TO THIS.

"CHARLES DICKENS' DAVID COPPERFIELD

"IS AN EXTRAORDINARY BOOK ABOUT A MAN

"WHO ACCOMPLISHES MANY INCREDIBLE FEATS

"INVOLVING CLAUDIA SCHIFFER

HANDCUFFED IN AN UNDERWATER TANK WITH SHARKS."

THAT'S GOOD.

HEY, WHERE ARE ALL THE TAPES?

WELL, WE HAD A BIG NIGHT

BUT FEAR NOT.

WE STILL GOT FIVE COPIES OF JOHNNY MNEMONIC.

IF THAT'S NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA,

WE'VE ALSO GOT THE MAKING OF JOHNNY MNEMONIC.

WELL, HOW ABOUT ADULT MOVIES?

WE GOT FAT FRAULEINS.

"A LUSTY ROMP THROUGH THE CHEESE AND SAUSAGE SHOPS

OF COMMUNIST EAST BERLIN."

FORGET IT.

ALL RIGHT. GIVE IT TO ME.

SO, THEN FREDDIE STIVENDER BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

IT WAS THE TALK OF THE SCHOOL.

I WAS SO EMBARRASSED.

BUT AFTER WEEKS OF PLOTTING,

I GOT MY REVENGE.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

I HAD MY MOM TELL HIS MOM.

I LIKE YOUR TACTICS.

YOU KNOW, IT MAY JUST BE THE WINE TALKING.

BUT I'M BEGINNING TO THINK...

IN A CRAZY WORLD LIKE THIS,

YOU AND ME...

JUST MIGHT MAKE SENSE.

HEY, LIGHTS!

OH, THEY'LL BE OUT AGAIN IN A SECOND,

IF THERE'S A GOD IN HEAVEN.

PEOPLE ARE OUTSIDE SHOVELING SNOW.

WE'RE NOT THE LAST PEOPLE ALIVE ON EARTH.

LEON,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO IMPREGNATE ME!

UH...OH, GOOD.

NOT TO MENTION THE OMINOUS BEHAVIORAL PARALLELS

BETWEEN AUSTRIOLOPIFICUS, EUROLOPIFICUS...

OH, THIS IS STUPID.

NO. NO, IT'S NOT.

NO. GO ON.

SO, IN ACCEPTING THIS AWARD,

I MUST POSE THE QUESTION,

HAS OUR JOURNEY FROM PRIMATE TO MAN FINALLY CONCLUDED...

OR HAS IT JUST BEGUN?

OH! WONDERFUL!

WONDERFUL!

EXCUSE ME, DICK,

BUT THAT ROAD HAS BEEN CLEARED FOR A GOOD HALF-HOUR.

WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT IF WE JUST SCOOT ON OUT OF HERE?

UH, SURE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, MA'AM.

I SURE AM SORRY

YOU DIDN'T GET TO PICK UP YOUR LEAKEY AWARD.

OH, DICK, I FEEL I OWE YOU A THANK YOU.

YOU CERTAINLY MADE THE TIME PASS.

I CAN'T BLAME THE WEATHER ON YOU.

WELL, I COULD, BUT I WON'T.

SOMETIMES THINGS JUST DON'T WORK OUT.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETIMES ON THE WAY TO WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN,

SOMETHING EVEN BETTER HAPPENS.

WHICH IS WHY I AM PLEASED TO PRESENT YOU

WITH THIS ORB CONTAINING A DIORAMA OF THE CITY OF CHICAGO

IN A STATE OF PERPETUAL BLIZZARD.

IT'S REMARKABLE, ISN'T IT?

AND I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

YOU DO?

THE CRIMSON SHOVEL.

OH!

LET'S GO DIG OUT THE CAR.

ABSOLUTELY! IT SHOULD BE EASY TO FIND.

I LEFT THE LIGHTS ON.