Original subtitles

AND THE WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS ARE

2...21...

51...9...

27...

AND 48.

YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!

WE WON AGAIN!

OH! THAT WAS FUN!

A DOLLAR WELL-SPENT!

IF LUCK WERE MONEY, WE'D BE RICH.

HEY! LOOK AT THEM!

THEY'RE NOT KISSING. THEY'RE NOT GROPING.

THEY'RE...

OH, I KNOW THIS... CUDDLING.

CUDDLING IS INTERESTING.

IT'S BOTH ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL.

BUT IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

IT IMPLIES AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.

HOW DO YOU ESTABLISH THAT WITH A WOMAN?

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?

BECAUSE YOU'RE THE WOMAN.

FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS,

BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN FIGURED OUT

HOW TO TAKE OFF MY BRA YET.

I WANT TO HUG.

I WANT TO HUG DR. ALBRIGHT RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S NOT HERE.

I HAVE TO HUG SOMEBODY.

IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME WITH YOU.

WELL, MY HEART WASN'T IN IT, EITHER.

I JUST LET YOU DO IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE HIGH COMMANDER.

I FEEL SO CHEAP.

DICK, I CAN'T TAKE THIS HOUSEWORK ANYMORE.

I WAS PUT ON THIS MISSION

BECAUSE OF MY MILITARY SKILLS.

THESE HANDS ARE LETHAL WEAPONS.

NOW THEY'RE RED AND DRY FROM HARSH DETERGENTS.

STOP COMPLAINING.

YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS TO BE THE WOMAN,

JUST LIKE TOMMY'S ASSIGNMENT IS TO STUDY EARTH CULTURE.

AND I'M ON IT.

THAT'S WHY I'M READING BETTY AND VERONICA'S SUMMER FUN.

MY GOD! THESE ARE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS?

O.K., YOU GUYS.

I WAS OUT WALKING, AND SOMEONE STARTED FOLLOWING ME.

HE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM.

YOU LET HIM IN OUR HOME?

WELL YEAH, HE MIGHT BE WORTH STUDYING

COME ON IN!

WHAT A GOOD LITTLE MAN!

HARRY, THAT'S A DOG.

YOU KNOW, YOU ARE JUST SO QUICK TO LABEL.

HE'S SO HUGGABLE.

OH, MAMA!

I'VE GOT TO GET TO THE OFFICE!

AND DR. ALBRIGHT!

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH HIM?

I'M GOING TO START BY ESTABLISHING COMMUNICATION.

OH. HAVE A SEAT, MY FRIEND.

[ARF ARF]

WHAT'S HE TRYING TO SAY?

HE SAID THAT LASSIE'S A GUY.

GOOD MORNING, DR. ALBRIGHT.

GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.

I HAVE YOUR PHYSICS BOOK.

THANK YOU.

OH! PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

I'M NOT MUCH OF A HUGGER.

OH.

LOOK WHO I FOUND WANDERING DOWN THE HALLS.

MARY!

OH, MY GOD!

OOH!

OH!

OH!

OH! UH, DR. RICHARD SOLOMON,

THIS IS DR. JEFF WILLIS, MY OLD, DEAR FRIEND.

HI.

ACTUALLY, MARY AND I USED TO SHARE THIS OFFICE.

AMONG OTHER THINGS.

NINA!

SO WHAT BRINGS YOU TO TOWN?

A BOOK SIGNING. MY NOVEL'S BEEN PUBLISHED.

ECHOES OF MY STEPFATHER.

YES!

YOU'VE FINALLY FINISHED.

OH, IT'S WONDERFUL!

I'VE GOT TO GET TO CLASS!

WE HAVE GOT TO GET TOGETHER AND CATCH UP.

YOU GOT IT.

CALL ME--OOH!

OH!

SHE IS SOMETHING ELSE.

HMM! I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW GOOD YOU LOOK.

YOU STILL PLAYING RACQUETBALL?

EVERY DAY!

I LOVE IT!

I LOVE IT MORE!

YOU DON'T PLAY RACQUETBALL.

OH, HO HO HO HO!

POOR, SWEET, MISGUIDED AMNESIAC NINA!

OF COURSE I DO!

I'VE GOT SOME TIME TO KILL. I'D LOVE TO PLAY.

I'VE GOT SOME TIME TO PLAY.

I'D LOVE TO KILL.

CAN I HELP YOU?

NO, THANKS. JUST LOOKING.

HEY! IT SAYS MEN ON THE DOOR.

AND YOU MADE THE CUT?

THERE YOU ARE.

HERE'S EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT RACQUETBALL.

THANKS FOR BRINGING THIS, LIEUTENANT.

I WAS STARTING TO TALK TO THE SCRUBBING BUBBLES,

SO I FIGURED I'D BETTER TAKE A WALK.

OH, THIS IS JUST NEWTONIAN PHYSICS.

TRAJECTORY AND VELOCITY.

AN IMBECILIC BABY COULD DO IT.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE GAMES!

PLAY FIERCELY AND ANNIHILATE YOUR OPPONENT.

AS IT ALWAYS WAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE.

HEY!

IT'S DRY ALREADY, PUT YOUR SHORTS ON.

I WON!

I WON!

I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON!

DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS? I WON.

CONGRATULATIONS, DICK.

OH! THAT WAS SO EASY!

YOU OFFERED ME NO CHALLENGE AT ALL.

YEAH, I WAS KIND OF OFF MY GAME.

OFF YOUR GAME?

YOU PLAYED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!

TOO BAD MARY WASN'T HERE TO SEE IT.

THAT REMINDS ME. I GOT TO RUN.

I'M MEETING HER FOR LUNCH.

WELL, I HOPE YOU TWO GIRLS HAVE FUN.

WHY AM I SO HOSTILE TO THIS JEFF PERSON?

HE'S NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO ME.

IN FACT, HE SEEMS LIKE A PERFECTLY TOLERABLE TWIT.

BUT FOR SOME REASON, I HATE HIM

JUST BECAUSE DR. ALBRIGHT LIKES HIM! WHY?

IT'S CALLED JEALOUSY, DICK.

IT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO MOOSE WHEN REGGIE FLIRTS WITH MIDGE.

IF YOU'D READ A LITTLE, YOU'D KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT LOVE.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO READ. LIEUTENANT, GET OUT HERE!

I HAVE A NEW ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.

YES! FINALLY!

I WANT YOU TO FIND OUT

WHAT MAKES A MAN SO IRRESISTIBLE

THAT A WOMAN HAS NO INTEREST IN ANY OTHER MAN.

THAT'S STILL A CHICK JOB!

YES.

BUT IT'S ALSO A CHICK JOB

TO HELP THE HIGH COMMANDER SCORE.

YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT LOVE, DICK?

I'LL SHOW YOU LOVE. SCRUFFY, COME HERE!

COME HERE.

OH, SEE? HE LOVES ME FOR NO REASON.

HE LIVES JUST TO BASK IN THE LIGHT OF MY SMILE.

AND THE BEST THING IS WE BOTH SCARE THE MAILMAN.

[MOANS]

WHY CAN'T DR. ALBRIGHT LEAP INTO MY LAP

AND LICK MY FACE?

WELL, SOME BREEDS ARE MORE SKITTISH THAN OTHERS.

YOU TWO WERE HERE LAST NIGHT.

MISS?

MISS!

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY IN A RELATIONSHIP. WHY'D YOU PICK THIS GUY?

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

HEY. I'M TALKING TO THE LADY.

HE'S NOT TERRIBLY ATTRACTIVE, HIS CLOTHES LACK TASTE,

AND HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.

UH, I WOULDN'T SAY--

AH, IT'S THE CAR, ISN'T IT?

NO.

Yes, it's the car.

THANK YOU.

[SLAPS LEG]

[WHISTLES]

[KISSING]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TEMPTING YOU WITH THE GREAT TASTE OF BACON.

[KISSING]

I'M GOING TO TAKE THESE FOLDERS INTO NINA,

AND WHEN I COME BACK, YOU'LL BE GONE.

HI. MARY HERE?

OH, UH, NO. SHE JUST LEFT FOR CLEVELAND.

OH, LOOK. SHE'S BACK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M ON MY WAY TO A MEETING,

BUT I WANTED TO STOP OFF AND GIVE YOU A PRESENT.

"THANKS FOR BUGGING ME TO WRITE MY BOOK."

OH, JEFF!

IT'S A THIMBLE. I COLLECT THEM.

IT'S AN ANCIENT UKRAINIAN QUILTING THIMBLE.

THERE WASN'T TIME TO GET THE WRITING TRANSLATED.

YOU'VE BEEN BUSY WITH THE BOOK.

SPEAKING OF TIME,

DON'T YOU HAVE A MEETING?

RIGHT. I GOT TO GO. BYE.

OHH...

OH, DAMN. THEY DID IT AGAIN.

OH.

I'LL HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN TRANSLATE UKRAINIAN.

THAT'S NOT UKRAINIAN. IT'S TURKISH.

LOOK, THERE'S A DIACRITICAL MARK OVER THE "O."

[READING TURKISH]

WELL, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

"MAY THESE ALWAYS POINT ME TOWARD THE SPOILS OF WAR."

THIS ISN'T A THIMBLE.

IT'S TURKISH NIPPLE ARMOR.

HA HA HA.

IN FACT, IT'S VERY VALUABLE.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE THE PAIR.

DON'T TELL JEFF. THIS WILL BE OUR SECRET.

YES. OUR SECRET.

IT'LL BE SOMETHING JEFF WILL NEVER HAVE.

WELL, IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

THIS MUST HAVE BEEN VERY EXPENSIVE.

SO YOU LIKE EXPENSIVE THINGS?

NO.

SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS IN LIFE COST NOTHING.

A PICNIC ON A SUNNY DAY, A LOVELY POEM READ ALOUD,

WATCHING MY FRIENDS FAIL.

WELL I HAVE A MARVELOUS IDEA

I'LL WRITE A POEM ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS FAILING

TO READ YOU ALOUD ON A SUNNY PICNIC.

THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.

HOW ABOUT SATURDAY AFTERNOON?

WHY NOT?

I HAVE A DATE.

JEFF DOESN'T HAVE A DATE,

BUT I HAVE A DATE.

YES!

[BANG]

WOMEN WHO RUN WITH WOLVES. WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.

WOMEN WHO LOVE TO READ ABOUT WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU TWO HAVE BEEN TOGETHER WHAT? 100, 150 YEARS.

42 THIS APRIL.

42 YEARS. IMPRESSIVE.

YOU MUST'VE KNOWN HE WAS SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL, HUH?

TELL ME, WHY DID YOU PICK HIM?

WELL, HE WAS VERY SWEET...

AND AFFECTIONATE.

HE HAD A REAL FLAIR FOR ROMANCE.

IT WAS THE CAR, WASN'T IT?

THAT WAS THE CLINCHER.

OH, FINALLY. DID YOU GET 'EM?

YES.

PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR.

WE'VE FLOWN A LOT OF MISSIONS.

I'D EVEN PUT OUT THE SUN FOR YOU,

BUT IF YOU SEND ME OUT FOR WOMEN'S MAGAZINES AGAIN,

I'LL KILL YOU.

THIS MAY SOUND SILLY TO YOU,

BUT I HAVE A DATE WITH DR. ALBRIGHT. HELP ME HERE.

THEY'RE POINTLESS. THEY'RE MIND-ALTERING.

THEY IMPOSE ARBITRARY STANDARDS ON WOMEN.

IT'S LIKE PROPAGANDA FOR SOME SORT OF ESTROGEN CULT.

JUST READ.

O.K.

O.K. HERE'S A TOPIC. YOU COULD DISCUSS BIOLOGY.

WHY?

ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY,

7 OUT OF 10 WOMEN HAVE MULTIPLE ORGANISMS.

YOU HAVE TO.

NO, YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

CHECK THE LEASE.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

MISS DUBCEK DOESN'T LIKE SCRUFFY.

THE LEASE SAYS NO PETS.

BUT HE'S SO CUTE.

NO. I'M ALLERGIC TO DOGS.

MY THROAT CLOSES OFF, AND I CAN'T BREATHE.

HE'S SO CUTE.

SORRY, NO. THE POOCH CANNOT STAY.

BUT HE'S SO CUTE!

NO.

[DOOR SLAMS]

THAT'S TOO BAD, HARRY.

GUESS YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

YES.

SCRUFFY AND I MUST KILL MISS DUBCEK...

AND HIDE HER BODY UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS.

WELL...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WE'RE GOING ON OUR PICNIC.

DIDN'T YOU GET MY MESSAGE?

NO. WHY?

OH, MY GOD. I'M SORRY. I HAD TO CANCEL.

CANCEL?

IT'S JEFF'S BOOK SIGNING PARTY.

BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I BEAT HIM IN RACQUETBALL.

I CAN'T MISS IT. HE DEDICATED HIS NOVEL TO ME.

OH, NO. YOU CAN'T MISS THAT.

WHY DON'T YOU COME?

COME?

OH, NO. I HAVE TO TAKE MY BLACK FOREST HAM,

WHEEL OF BRIE, CABERNET SAUVIGNON,

MY LIMOGE TRIVET, AND SET THEM ABLAZE IN A BONFIRE

AS A TRIBUTE...

TO JEFF'S BOOK SIGNING.

EXCUSE ME. I'M LOOKING FOR JEFF WILLIS.

HE'S WITH HIS PUBLICIST.

HE'LL BE OUT SHORTLY.

YOU A FRIEND?

UH, YES. I'M VERY CLOSE TO THE STEAMING PUSTULE.

HARRY, I'VE SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM.

HER LITTLE GIRL NEEDS A DOG.

OH, HE'S PERFECT.

OH, NO. SCRUFFY'S NOT ABOUT TO RUIN HIS LIFE

OVER SOME BLONDE HE MET AT A COCKTAIL PARTY.

UH-UH.

NO.

THE MAN OF THE HOUR!

OH, GOD.

YOU THINK YOU'RE PRETTY CLEVER, DON'T YOU?

I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT EVERY WORD IN YOUR BOOK

WAS PUBLISHED YEARS AGO!

PERHAPS YOU'VE READ...

THE DICTIONARY.

YOU INVITED ME. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

I CHALLENGE YOU

FOR THE HAND OF THE WOMAN WE BOTH LOVE.

EMILY. I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME.

NO, HE'S LYING. I SWEAR.

YOU LOVE HER?

MY OWN WIFE?

YOU LOVE HER?

I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM.

LAY OFF HER. I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH YOUR WIFE.

MY OWN BROTHER?

ONE QUICK ANSWER. YOU LOVE HER?

YOU KNOW WHAT? THE SEX IS GREAT!

YOU SATANIC BASTARD!

OH!

YOU FRAUD!

INTERESTING FAMILY.

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

THIS IS VERY HARD FOR YOU, ISN'T IT?

IT'S THE HARDEST THING I'VE HAD TO DO

IN MY ENTIRE TIME ON THIS PLANET.

SCRUFFY, COME HERE.

YOU'RE GETTING ON MY NERVES, MUTT,

SO TAKE A HIKE.

GO WITH THE KID.

I'M BAD NEWS, JUNIOR. I'M TROUBLE, I TELL YOU.

JUST GO.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO WALK HIM TO OUR PLACE?

OH, SURE.

HARRY, YOU CAN COME OVER

AND PLAY WITH SCRUFFY ANY TIME.

REALLY?

YEAH. WE'D LOVE IT.

AFTER MY EX-HUSBAND,

IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET A MAN WHO'S SO CARING.

OH.

WELL...

JEFF'S BROTHER NEEDS HIS JAW WIRED.

HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELF.

YOU'RE MAD AT ME. THAT'S FINE. I'M MAD AT YOU.

WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME?

YOU'RE THE EXPERT. YOU TELL ME.

DR. SOLOMON, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I WANT...

I WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND.

OH.

ARE YOU SURPRISED?

TO BE HONEST...

NOT REALLY.

THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

HONESTLY, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT...

SEEMS ODD. IT'S LIKE YOU WERE OUT OF SYNCH

WITH EVERYONE ON THE PLANET.

I GO OUT OF MY WAY DOING THINGS THAT APPEAR NORMAL.

WHAT YOU JUST SAID,

THAT'S NOT NORMAL.

WHAT ELSE?

YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE FEELING EVERYTHING FOR THE FIRST TIME.

YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR EMOTIONS.

YOU TRIED TO FEED ME DOGGIE TREATS.

AND?

YOU'RE MOVING WAY TOO FAST.

WHATEVER IS GOING TO HAPPEN BETWEEN US,

LET'S LET IT EVOLVE NATURALLY.

I CAN GO ALONG WITH THAT.

GOOD.

WHY DON'T WE SHAKE ON IT?

LET'S HUG ON IT.

THAT'S TOO FAST.

DR. ALBRIGHT, PLEASE.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE IMPORTANCE.

IT GIVES MY LIFE A MEANING I'VE ONLY DREAMED OF.

ALL RIGHT.

NO. I CAN'T HUG

UNDER THIS PRESSURE.

TRY.

THERE.

THAT'S ALL I WAS ASKING FOR.

I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABY.

YOU KNOW, JEALOUSY DEFIES ALL LOGIC.

JEFF'S A NICE PERSON. DR. ALBRIGHT'S A NICE PERSON.

THE THOUGHT OF THEM BEING HAPPY TOGETHER JUST MADE ME CRAZY.

YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?

CLARK KENT GETS JEALOUS

BECAUSE LOIS LANE LIKES SUPERMAN.

NOW, THAT IS CRAZY.

DICK, YOU KNOW,

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN.

THEY WANT HIM TO DRIVE A BIG, POWERFUL VEHICLE.

YOU SAYING I SHOULD BE A BUS DRIVER?

YOU'LL BE BEATING THEM OFF WITH A STICK.

DICK, TO GET WHAT YOU WANT FROM THE LADIES,

THE ANSWER'S SIMPLE.

WHAT?

GET A DOG.

WAIT A MINUTE. HARRY, YOU DIDN'T...

NO. HA HA HA.