Original subtitles

SUPER COMBO NUMBER ONE.

SUPER COMBO NUMBER FOUR.

AND THE FUN-TASTIC GOOFY MEAL NUMBER TWO.

YOU HEARD ME.

EARTH JUST DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER-- DINNER AND A MOVIE.

OH, LET'S SEE THIS ONE.

"FOUR STARS, TWO THUMBS.

"A SWEEPING DRAMA.

"ONE OF THE YEAR'S

MOST INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATING CINEMATIC ACCOMPLISHMENTS."

NO.

CHICK FLICK.

HOW ARE YOUR CHICKEN CRUNCHIES TODAY?

OH! WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.

HE'LL HAVE THE SUPER COMBO NUMBER TWO.

O.K. THAT'LL BE 10.71.

PLEASE DRIVE AROUND.

UH, WITH PLEASURE.

[CAR BACKFIRES]

WHAT'S THAT?

PLEASE DRIVE AROUND.

WE WOULD IF WE COULD.

I SAID TO GET THIS LOOKED AT TWO WEEKS AGO,

NOT TO MENTION THE PHONE'S STILL OUT.

I KEEP MENTIONING THE PROBLEMS, YET NOTHING GETS DONE.

AND YET YOU PERSIST. GOOD FOR YOU.

NOW WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO THE MOVIE.

IT JUST NEEDS A PUSH. SALLY.

YEAH, YEAH.

HURRY UP. I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE PREVIEWS.

OR THAT "AUDIENCE IS LISTENING" THING.

OH, YEAH.

[IMITATING MOVIE THEATER THX SOUND SYSTEM]

OOOOEEEEE.....

EEEEEAAAAAA...

AAAAHHMMMM!

THIS SEAT SUCKS.

I AGREE. THE SEATING'S ALL WRONG.

WE SHOULD SWITCH. THEN I'D HAVE AN ARMREST.

HARRY, YOU NEED AN AISLE SEAT.

YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM CONSTANTLY.

WAIT. WAIT. HOLD IT. EVERYBODY, JUST SIT DOWN.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. HAVE SOME POPCORN.

I DIDN'T WANT POPCORN. I WANTED GOOD 'N' PLENTY.

WHEN YOU'RE HIGH COMMANDER, YOU CAN BE IN CHARGE OF THE MOVIE TREATS.

I WILL.

BULLY FOR YOU. SHH!

EXCUSE ME! WE'RE TALKING HERE!

HOW DID HE BEAT THOSE GUYS? IT WAS 12 AGAINST 1.

HE HAS THE ADVANTAGE.

SEE, THEY ONLY HAVE MACHINE GUNS,

WHILE HE HAS THE BROKEN POOL CUE.

OH! GREAT COMMAND DECISION, DICK.

NOW I HAVE A PIECE OF POPCORN STUCK IN MY TEETH.

HERE, I'LL GET IT.

SALLY, YOU'RE RIGHT. I SHOULD'VE SAT NEAR THE AISLE.

EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

IS THAT IT? OWWW!

I'M GETTING THE MANAGER!

HAVE HIM BRING FLOSS.

I'M SORRY.

COULDN'T BE SORRI--AAH!

OW!

DICK, I'M STUCK TO THE FLOOR.

OH!

O.K., PUNK.

COURT IS ADJOURNED.

HYAH!

STOP IT. THAT'S AN ORDER.

HIGH COMMANDER SAID THAT I COULD TURN MYSELF

INTO A LETHAL KILLING MACHINE.

DID YOU?

WHAT?

TOMMY, WHAT'S WITH THE TOAD?

HIS NAME'S JACK.

HE'S MY NEW LAB PARTNER.

NO, IN THE JAR.

OH! THAT'S A DEAD FROG. WE'RE GOING TO REANIMATE IT.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU NO SCIENCE PROJECTS IN THE KITCHEN?

UH, HIGH COMMANDER SAID WE COULD.

DICK! PERMISSION TO BITCH!

PERMISSION GRANTED.

WHY DO YOU LET THEM DO THINGS I'VE FORBIDDEN?

I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER.

WOULD IT KILL YOU TO LISTEN TO ME--

AAH!

* AHH

I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT WE WERE SINGING.

THIS POPCORN KERNEL IS AGONY.

I FEEL LIKE STICKING MY HEAD IN A MICROWAVE TO POP IT OUT.

JUST MAKE YOU POKE HOLES IN YOUR HEAD

WITH A FORK FIRST.

WELL, I'M OFF.

WAIT, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

I'M SECOND IN COMMAND, AND I HAVE NO AUTHORITY OVER THESE GUYS.

YOU OUTRANK THEM, SALLY. JUST SEIZE CONTROL. TAKE SOME INITIATIVE.

ALL RIGHT, PERMISSION REQUESTED TO SCHEDULE INITIATIVE-TAKING.

JUST DO IT.

TAKE THE CAR IN. FIX THE PHONE.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I WASN'T HERE?

YOU'RE ALWAYS HERE.

WELL, WHAT IF I WASN'T?

I'D DO A HAPPY LITTLE DANCE.

OH, MAN.

SOLOMON'S HERE.

DON'T LOOK. HE'LL COME OVER.

DOES HE SEE US?

I'LL CHECK.

LEON!

WHAT A HAPPY ACCIDENT.

NOW WE CAN SPEND THE EVENING

GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER.

PLEASE, CONTINUE WITH YOUR CONVERSATION.

WE CAN'T. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU.

SHUT UP!

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?

WHAT ARE THEY HAVING?

COFFEE... FOR TWO HOURS.

I'LL HAVE THAT.

PITMAN!

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

SUDDENLY YOU LOOK SO...

I'VE NEVER USED THIS WORD...

COOL.

OH, REALLY?

NOW IT'S GONE.

NOW IT'S BACK.

NOW THERE'S AN AIR OF SOPHISTICATION.

SOMEHOW, THAT FIERY TUBE HAS MITIGATED YOUR OAFISHNESS.

MAY I?

OH, YOU CAN KEEP IT.

THANK YOU!

[COUGH]

OH!

[COUGH]

AN ADDED BONUS.

THIS IS CREEPY.

YOU HAVE NO VISION.

WHAT IS THIS THING IN MY COLANDER?

OH. THAT WOULD BE ITS OLD BRAIN.

WELL, DICK, MY LIFE IS HELL. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

OH, YOU BETCHA.

IT'S LIKE I'M FEELING MY LUNGS FOR THE FIRST TIME.

IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE A TENANT WHO SMOKES.

SO MANY PEOPLE ARE GIVING IT UP.

IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART.

WE NEED SOME DUCT TAPE AND JUMPER CABLES.

HAVE YOU SMOKED YOUR CIGARETTE YET?

NO, SIR.

NO REASON TO PUT IT OFF.

YOU KNOW, I MUST SAY,

THIS SECONDHAND SMOKE IS SMOOTH AND SATISFYING.

MY GIFT TO YOU.

YOU'VE BEEN SMOKING THOSE THINGS

LIKE THEY'RE ADDICTIVE OR SOMETHING.

DON'T BE SILLY. IF CIGARETTES WERE BAD,

THEY WOULDN'T SELL THEM EVERYWHERE.

BESIDES, I CAN QUIT WHENEVER I WANT.

THERE, YOU SEE? I'VE STOPPED.

THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.

YOU KNOW, SALLY...

IF YOU WANT TO ADVANCE...

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO OPEN YOUR MIND TO NEW EXPERIENCES.

WELL, I'VE STARTED AGAIN.

THIS POPCORN KERNEL IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!

OH, HONEY, DON'T PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR MOUTH.

IT'S SO UNBECOMING.

[CRACKLING]

WHAT WAS THAT?

[FROG CROAKS LOUDLY]

[TOMMY] IT'S ALIVE!

AAH!

HEY! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

IT'S A GUARANTEED "A."

JEEZ.

KIDS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

SMOKING.

PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN FRONT OF ME.

I JUST QUIT A YEAR AGO.

YOU POOR, MISGUIDED GIRL.

WELL, DON'T YOU MISS IT?

THE FIRST COOL DRAG IN THE MORNING...

A RELAXING SMOKE ON THE ROOF

ON A WARM SUMMER NIGHT...

AND IF I EVER HAVE SEX,

I THINK I'M GOING TO SMOKE AFTERWARDS.

HAVE YOU EVER READ THE WARNING ON THE SIDE OF THE PACK?

WELL, I'M NOT A FETUS.

THOSE THINGS WILL TAKE 10 YEARS OFF OF YOUR LIFE.

BUT THAT'S OFF THE END OF YOUR LIFE.

THOSE YEARS ARE CRAPPY ANYWAY.

WELL, THERE HAPPENS TO BE A POLICY HERE.

CIGARETTES ARE ONLY ALLOWED

IN UNIVERSITY-SANCTIONED SMOKING ZONES.

TAKE IT OUTSIDE.

ALL RIGHT,

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A BIG...

FETUS ABOUT IT.

MY PEOPLE.

DR. FINKEL!

FATHER.

MRS. KRASA!

YOU SMOKE, TOO?

[DEEP, GRAVELLY VOICE] COMES AS A SURPRISE TO MANY PEOPLE.

LOOK AT THIS. WE SUCK, WE BLOW...

A POSSE OF ORAL FIXATORS.

OH, YEAH, WE'RE BAD.

THEY CAN ISOLATE US,

BUT THEY'LL NEVER SEPARATE US.

LET THEM OUTLAW SMOKING!

THEN THEY'LL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF...

SMOKING OUTLAWS!

WHO'S WITH ME?

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT...

RINSE OUT YOUR MOUTH.

NOW SPIT.

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO A...

DENTIST'S OFFICE BEFORE, HAVE YOU?

WELL, YOU KNOW... GAL ON THE GO.

ALL RIGHT. COULD YOU OPEN WIDER, PLEASE?

WIDER.

[COUGH COUGH]

YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SMOKE IN THE WAITING ROOM.

YOU CAN'T SMOKE THERE, EITHER.

I'LL SMOKE IN THE HALL

I'M SORRY. YOU CAN'T SMOKE ANYWHERE IN THE BUILDING.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE AWFULLY SMUG

FOR A MAN IN A PAPER COAT.

[TELEVISION PLAYS]

[THUNDER]

OH, YES. THE CORN IS GONE. SEE?

SO, TOMMY, HOW WAS YOUR SCIENCE FAIR?

OH, UH...

[TURNS OF TELEVISION]

FUNNY STORY.

REMEMBER THAT FROG I REANIMATED?

WELL, IT KIND OF DEVELOPED A TASTE FOR HUMAN FLESH.

AND SOMEONE'S GOT TO GO SEE MY SCIENCE TEACHER TOMORROW.

WELL, DID YOU TELL DICK?

WASN'T HE WITH YOU?

HE RAN OFF HOURS AGO.

THAT'S NOT LIKE HIM.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

DICK IS ALWAYS HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

OF COURSE.

THIS IS A TEST.

WHAT?

FOR THE NEXT 60 SECONDS,

SHE'S GOING TO EMIT A HIGH-PITCHED TONE.

NO.

DICK IS TESTING ME.

HE'S CONVENIENTLY "DISAPPEARED..."

LEAVING ME IN CHARGE.

WELL.

I'M GOING TO SHOW HIM.

O.K., TROOPS. LINE UP IN ORDER OF HEIGHT.

DESCENDING.

IT'S TIME FOR DECISIVE ACTION. HARRY!

YES, SIR...

MA'AM...MA'AM...

MA'AM, SIR.

YOU'RE GOING TO CLIMB THE UTILITY POLE AND FIX OUR PHONE LINE.

OH. WELL, I'LL NEED A FLASHLIGHT.

DON'T WORRY, IT'S PLENTY BRIGHT WITH ALL THAT LIGHTNING.

WELL, UH, HOW DO I GET UP THERE?

WE'VE GOT THAT BIG METAL LADDER IN THE GARAGE.

OH, WAIT.

YOU CAN KNOCK THE BOX OPEN WITH THIS METAL GOLF CLUB.

GOOD, TOMMY.

YOU WANT TO BE SAFE,

WRAP THIS AROUND YOUR WAIST

AND ATTACH IT TO THE POWER LINE IN CASE YOU SLIP.

PREPARE TO BE DAZZLED.

[FOOTSTEPS]

[PANTING]

OH, WELL.

I'M SURE SOMEONE WILL FIND ME

BEFORE THE BUILDING CLOSES.

MAYBE NOT.

NOW, I'M NOT ONE TO DISCOURAGE A CHILD'S CREATIVITY,

BUT THAT FROG TOOK A BITE OUT OF PATTY KIENLEN

THE SIZE OF A SILVER DOLLAR.

DIME, TOPS.

THAT FROG DESTROYED ALL THE OTHER EXPERIMENTS

AND ATTACKED SIX STUDENTS,

AND TOMMY REFUSES TO APOLOGIZE.

WELL, IT'S CLEAR THAT TOMMY MUST BE DISCIPLINED,

AND IN THE ABSENCE OF MR. SOLOMON,

WE ASK THAT YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

OH, I'M READY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

BELIEVE ME, I CAN HANDLE RESPONSIBILITY. NO PROBLEM.

TOMMY, I'M HEREBY PLACING YOU UNDER HOUSE ARREST.

I JUST THOUGHT COUNSELING--

YOU'RE AT HALF RATIONS.

YOU'LL REPORT TO CALISTHENICS AT 0500 SHARP.

CAN I BE PLACED IN A FOSTER HOME OR SOMETHING?

I'M HIS MOTHER. I'LL HANDLE HIM.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIS SISTER.

SISTER, MOTHER, WHATEVER.

I THINK YOU'RE ACTUALLY MY AUNT.

IN OUR FAMILY, IT'S KIND OF HARD TO TELL.

* OH, DANNY BOY

* THE PIPES

* THE PIPES ARE CALLING

* FROM GLEN TO GLEN

* AND DOWN THE MOUNTAINSIDE *

* THE SUMMER'S GONE

* AND ALL THE ROSES FALLING *

* 'TIS YOU

*'TIS YOU MUST GO

* AND I MUST BIDE

* BUT COME YE BACK

* WHEN SUMMER'S IN THE MEADOW *

HEY, YOU'RE NOT BAD.

THANK YOU.

* 'TIS I'LL BE BY

* IN SUNSHINE

* OR IN SHADOW

YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MY CAR'S NOT READY?

YOU PROMISED FRIDAY. TODAY'S FRIDAY.

THE CARBURETOR'S, UH, REBUILT.

THAT TAKES EXTRA TIME.

I'M OVER HERE.

ON THE PLUS SIDE, YOUR TRANNY'S IN REALLY GOOD SHAPE.

AH. GOOD NEWS.

EXCUSE ME. THIS IS MY CAR.

UH, SHE'S RIGHT. I JUST STAND HERE AND NOD.

HA HA HA HA HA!

WELL, YOU GOT TO HUMOR 'EM.

HA HA HA HA!

THIS REDHEAD CAME IN LAST WEEK,

I THINK SHE'S DRIVING A SUNBIRD.

SHE OPENED THAT HOOD--

[CRUNCH]

HELLO.

I'D LIKE MY CAR READY IN A HALF HOUR.

I DON'T WANT A 200% MARKUP ON PARTS.

UH...

AND I'D LIKE IT WASHED.

THANK YOU.

YOU HEAR THAT, HIGH COMMANDER?

OHHH!

SALLY.

I'M SORRY.

WOMEN, HUH?

WHEW!

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

OH, BOY.

[OPENS DRAWER]

[MECHANICAL HUMMING]

[CLOSES DRAWER]

DICK.

SALLY.

DICK!

YOU CAN COME OUT NOW.

I PASSED YOUR LITTLE TEST.

NINA, WHERE'S DICK?

I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN TWO DAYS.

WILL YOU EXCUSE US FOR JUST A MINUTE?

HE'S NOT HERE. HE'S GONE. HE'S ACTUALLY GONE.

I CAN STILL HEAR YOU.

UM, COULD YOU LEAVE, PLEASE?

TRY AND STOP ME.

THIS WASN'T A TEST.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I REALLY AM HIGH COMMANDER.

WE AWAIT YOUR ORDERS, HIGH COMMANDER.

WE'RE HERE WAITING.

IF DICK WERE HERE, HE'D KNOW WHAT TO DO.

IF DICK WERE HERE,

HE'D KNOW WHERE HE WAS.

WE GOT TO FIND HIM.

DR. BANKSON.

HUH.

DR. BANKSON.

WE MEET AT LAST.

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE--

DICK SOLOMON?

[MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY]

AH.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE CHOSEN

A POOR TIME TO SEDATE YOURSELF, DR. BANKSON.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

THE DENTIST WHO DRILLS HIS OWN TEETH

HAS A FOOL FOR A PATIENT.

AH.

I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO COOPERATE.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL TALK...

FOR MR. SUCKY THING.

[HISSING]

DEATH HAS REARED HIMSELF A THRONE

IN A STRANGE CITY LYING ALONE,

WHERE GOOD AND BAD AND WORST AND BEST

ARE GONE TO THEIR ETERNAL REST.

THAT'S NICE. WHAT IS IT?

IT'S JUST... SOMETHING I MADE UP.

LIAR! THAT'S EDGAR ALLAN POE.

I WAS THERE WHEN YOU READ IT!

THEN WHY ASK,

JUST TO PLAY MIND GAMES WITH ME?

WHAT MIND?

STOP IT!

STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

DICK, IS THAT YOU?

HARRY?

DICK?

HARRY! OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR!

[JINGLING]

HOW DO I KNOW IT'S REALLY YOU?

IT'S REALLY ME!

WELL, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT.

HARRY! DICK!

YOU SAVED ME!

OH, GOD, DICK!

A VOICE INSIDE OF YOU?

AND YOU NEVER KNEW IT WAS THERE.

BY THE SECOND DAY,

I WAS HEARING MY INNER VOICE, TOO.

WHAT WAS IT SAYING?

I HAVE NO IDEA. I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE JANITOR'S FACE

WHEN HE WALKED IN ON THE FOUR OF US.

I'M JUST GLAD YOU'RE ALIVE.

THANK YOU. GOOD WORK FINDING ME.

GOOD WORK? I WAS PARALYSED.

I THOUGHT I COULD DO YOUR JOB.

I MEAN, YOU'RE SO ARROGANT, BOSSY, AND CONDESCENDING.

YOU MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY.

WELL, I'M NOT PERFECT, LIEUTENANT.

AFTER ALL, I GOT LOCKED

IN A STAIRWELL FOR THREE DAYS

JUST BECAUSE I NEEDED A CIGARETTE.

YEAH, THAT WAS STUPID.

YES, IT WAS.

REALLY STUPID.

POINT TAKEN.

DIDN'T YOU EVEN THINK TO CHECK THE DOOR FIRST?

YOU'D EXPECT A BONEHEAD MOVE LIKE THAT FROM ME,

BUT YOU...

O.K., "BONEHEAD" IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE.

EXCUSE US!

AFTER ALL, I AM THE HIGH COMMANDER.