All language subtitles for 3 - The Bye Bye Sky High IQ Murder Case-eng

(STAMMERING) You're a thief!

(GUN FIRING TWICE)

Those were gunshots!

PETER: This is Peter Falk.
Here are some scenes from
the next episode of Columbo.

All the members are tested.

And they have to rate
in the top two percent.

Here I've been talking with
the most intelligent people
in the world

and I never even noticed.

It might have
been a woman.

I think he was killed
before we heard the shots.

The shots we heard
were on that record.

It's a terrific puzzle.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

MIKE: I wasrt that bright.

So there I was,
me, a welder,
in the Sigma Society,

with an IQ right at
the top of the scale.

And my first thought was,

"What a crummy world,
where somebody as smart as me

"is nothing but
an ordinary welder."

Then I...
I got my head straight

and I figured it out that it
was a pretty sensational world

where even welders got
a high enough IQ
to be in a Sigma Society.

MIKE: Not that
there's anything wrong
with being a welder.

Because I'm gonna tell you
right now that there's nobody

in this room can even begin
to do what I can do.

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

You know what I heard
about the Sigma Society?

I heard that with all your
brains, the one thing
you can't figure out,

the one problem
you can't solve
is what you're all doing here.

I mean what we're all
doing here.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(BOO-HOO PLAYING)

You've got me crying for you

And as I sit here and sigh

Says I,
"I can't believe it's true"

Boo-hoo,

I tell my mama on you

The little game
that you played

Has made her baby oh so blue

You left me in the lurch

You left me waiting
at the church

Boo-hoo

That's why I'm crying for you

Someday you'll feel like I do

And you'll be
boo-hoo-hooir too

Boo-hoo

You've got me crying for you

And as I sit here...

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

Thank you, Mike, thank you.

Jason, in all due respect
to Mike's lecture
on feelings of inadequacy

I thought we were gonna hear
from a computer engineer
on intelligent machines.

May I ask the program
chairman if he still intends
to bring in outside guests?

I'm afraid I was very busy
at the office today.

Didrt have time.

Try to do better.
Good.

Thank you, Mike,
thank you, Mr. Wagner,
thank you, Bertie.

For new business,
ladies and gentlemen,

I have the committee report
on neighborhood crime.

They strongly recommend the
purchase of a burglar alarm.

Miss Eisenback
has prepared a study of
the various units available,

the advantages,
disadvantages...
Good evening, Mr. Brandt.

Good heavens, I am late.
JASON: Prices and so on.

Oliver, we were just
discussing a burglar alarm.

Dear me. I didn't know we had
anything won'th stealing.

Unless, of course,
it's Bertie's incredible
brain power.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I understand the Russians
have been after him again.

(GIGGLING)
Huh?

Huh?
Hey!

Okay, gang. That's it.
Meeting's adjourned.

(CHUCKLING)

That, my dear, is the total
history of Bertie's life.

Does the joke always
have to be at my expense?

You two at it, again?
Again and forever.

Friends forever.
Partners forever.
Right, Bertie?

Bertie.

Friends.

There's a good little fellow.

Something wrong?

I think I just
drank my contact lens.

It's there. I found it.
I'm sorry.

Always sorry.

What are you
up to, Caroline?

Making an inventory
of everything in the house.
For the insurance.

Don't you have to go around
to look at things?

Don't have to look.
I remember.

Imagine.

While this wine was still
in a French cellar,

you, Caroline,
were being put together

by a confluence
of data processors
and memory banks.

Oliver,
I have to talk to you.

I want to talk to
you, too, Bertie.
Pick a page.

237.
Pick a number.

12. Even.

Odd.

Come along, Bertie.
To the library.

The drinks are
on Bertie or on me.

A dollar says
Brandt wins again.

It's only luck, you know.

Page 237, correct?
Yes.

Word?

12.

All right.

OLIVER: Here we are.
Carina or carina.

Six letters. Even.
Drinks are on you, Bertie.

Interesting. Carina. We seem
to have forgotten our biology.

Carina is a part
resembling a ridge

as on the projection
on the breastbone of a bird.

And that is
the word for today.

I didn't come up here
to play games, Oliver!

Nor did I, Bertie.

You've always enjoyed
tormenting me.
Don't be a fool.

School, college,
even our own firm.

I've always been
the butt of your jokes.

I've always been
your friend, Bertie.
Surely you know that.

Come on, Bertie,
I never taunted you.

I only tickled you.

(GIGGLING)

Stop that!

Stop! Will you? Stop it!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Stop it!

No! I'm through running!

(PANTING)

I know.

I know. I know
what you've been doing
in the office, Oliver.

I know how you've been
stealing from our clients.

I took the trouble
to examine your accounts.

I know you have.
I'm well aware of it.

Oh?

Are you aware that I intend
to expose you?

Well, in that case,
I intend to kill you.

We were friends.

I could never hurt you.

I couldn't hurt you either.

(GIGGLING)

(STUTTERING)

You're a thief!
Bertie.

You can't threaten me
out of it!

I'll tell the whole world
what you are!

What a pity.

Oliver.

Oliver, I'm talking to you!

Yes, I hear you.
I hear you, old friend.

(GUN FIRING TWICE
WITH SILENCER)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(TURNS VOLUME DOWN)

I really did love you, Bertie.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah? Who? Long distance?

Tonight, children,
the drinks are on Bertie.

(ALL CLAPPING)

Congratulations again, Oliver.

CAROLINE: What was
the word, Mr. Brandt?

Carina. C-A-R...

Well, with a capital 'C',
Carina is a constellation
in the Southern Hemisphere.

This was not capitalized.

Well, then it's like
the breastbone on a bird.

Phone's for you,
Miss Eisenback. Memphis.

That's my daddy.
I've been trying
to reach him.

It's his birthday.

She's been waiting
for his call.

Oliver got lucky again.

Daddy?

Why don't we got out
and get the living room
put back in order?

Why not indeed?
Come on, come on.
Gentlemen.

You watch that drink.
I'll watch it.

The club's insured
through you, isn't it?

Yes, and very well.

Fire? Theft?

The works.

EISENBACK: Okay.
It's wonderful here.
The weather is so nice.

Then if we are
already covered,

why on earth bother
spending all this money
on a burglar...

(GUN FIRING)

(THUDDING)

(GUN FIRING)

Those were gunshots!

(CLANKING)

Bertie! Bertie! Bertie!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Oh, my God! Bertie. Bertie.

Unlock it.

Take Caroline downstairs.

I think he's dead.

(EXCLAIMING)

You mustrt look.

You better leave.

Come on.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(POLICE DISPATCHER
CHATTERING ON RADIO)

POLICEMAN: Could you all
go inside, please?

Would you like
a drink, Oliver?

What? No, no.

Well, it's clear enough
some neighborhood hoodlum
finally broke in.

What was Bertie
trying to protect?

A few bucks in his wallet?
His manood? I mean, what?

Excuse me. Mr. Brandt?

Yes.

Would you come
with me, please?

Are you guys
all done in there?

Yeah. He's wrapping it up.
Good.

Good night, Sergeant.
Good night, George, Harry.

Now, would you just wait here
please, Mr. Brandt?

May I ask why?

Sure. Somebody
will be along.

(WHISTLING)

They know who did it?

No!

Oliver Brandt, sir?

Lieutenant Columbo,
Homicide.

I thought maybe you'd like
to be up here away from
all those people down there,

being that the victim was
your friend and partner.

I'm really quite upset.
I do appreciate the courtesy.

This Sigma Society, sir,

I understand
it's some kind of a club.
But to tell you the truth

I don't understand
what kind of a club it is.

Why it's a private club.
International.
We're just one chapter.

All the members are tested.

And they have to rate
in the top two percent.

Two percent of what, sir?

Why, intelligence, Lieutenant.

Top two percent
in the world?

Is that what the pin means,
sir?

Here I've been talking with
the most intelligent people
in the world

and I never even noticed.

May I ask, sir,

what is it that you people do
in a place like this?

Well, we meet, discuss,
enjoy each other's company.

Scientists?

Not necessarily.

Like a think tank?

No, no, no. Nothing nearly
as grand, Lieutenant.

People come to Sigma
from all walks of life,
all kinds, all types.

There are 20,000 of us
around the world.
We're really quite ordinary.

Except for this.

Well...

But you're not ordinary.

Brandt and Hastings.
That's a very important
accounting firm, sir.

I heard of them.

Well, very kind of you,
Lieutenant.
But, it's quite true.

We handle...

We...

(SOFTLY) Oh, dear.

Well, just a few
minor questions, sir.

Some of the ladies say that
they heard music coming
from up here.

Bertie must have put on
a record on after I left.

You see, we were playing
a word game,

looking things up
in the dictionary.

On the floor, sir?

He must have put it
on the floor.

(TOY TRAIN RUNNING)

You mean to tell me,
Mr. Brandt,

that these very intelligent
people still like
to play with trains?

Some of us do.

Poor Bertie did.

Well, I'll tell you,
that's a relief to hear.

Because I'll tell you
the truth, I could play with
something like that forever.

Caroline Treynor.
That's the one.

I beg you...
Our youngest member.

She's a member too?

Fourteen?

Amazing. Okay.

Now, Caroline,
she was standing
in that doorway there.

And she says
she didn't hear any footsteps
going down those stairs.

Now, everybody else
heard the burglar.

That is, the man
that killed Mr. Hastings.

May I ask you, sir,
what did you hear?

I don't remember.

(WHISPERING) Don't remember.

MIKE: Okay.

Thirty seconds.

COLUMBO: Exactly what I got
when I timed it.

We didn't start up there
the second we heard the shots.
That's right.

We were stunned for eight...
Maybe 10 seconds.

Good. That means
40 seconds passed

between the time that you
heard the shots and the time
you arrived in the library.

Is that right,
excuse me, Mr...

Jason Danziger.
I'm the president.

Mr. Danziger. Then when
you arrived in the library

you saw the other door
slam shut.

Now, when you heard
someone running away,

did he go down the stairs
one step at a time,
two at a time, how?

One at a time.

You don't agree, madam?

No, no, no, no.
At least two at a time.
He was really flying.

Heavy man, sir?

I'd say so.

Do you agree, sir?

Not necessarily.

Average man.

EISENBACK: He sounded
light to me.

I think he was a woman.

Well, that clears that up.

(CRICKET CHIRPING)

I must say,
after this dreadful affair,

it would be a comfort
to have a policeman
as a member.

Lieutenant, do you happen
to know your IQ?

Mine, sir?
Oh, no, sir.

No, they took it in the Army
but they never told us.

I'm certainly not
in your league, sir.

You might
astonish yourself.

Do you enjoy riddles,
puzzles, that sort of thing?

Well, I enjoy them,
yes, sir, I do. But I
don't have any feel for them.

Now, Mrs. Columbo, she's
a whiz at crossword puzzles.

Here's my car, sir.

You might consider
testing yourself.

Lieutenant, I'm gonna
give you a little problem,

to test your powers
of logical thinking.

That'll be fine, sir.

It's what we call
a minimum information problem.

Minimum information?
Practically none.

Now, in a room, are several
sacks of gold pieces,

as many sacks as you like.

Each sack contains several
of these gold pieces.

Again, as many as you like.

Right. Got it.

One sack, however, is full
of artificial gold pieces.

And they weigh differently.

Uh-huh.

Now, the solid
gold pieces weigh...

Let's say, a pound each. And
the artificial pieces weigh
whatever you like.

Well, what about a pound
and an ounce?

Splendid. Why not?

Now, you have a penny scale.

So I put the penny in
and I get a card

and that tells me how much
the weight of the gold is?

Exactly. But you only
have one penny.

Now, which sack has
the artificial gold pieces?

That's it?
That's it.

That's a hell of a puzzle.

(CHUCKLING)

Gee whiz.

You know,
I got a puzzle myself, sir.

As I understand it,
you people,

you were all downstairs
when you heard the shots

and you ran upstairs
to the library. And that
took about 40 seconds.

But during that time,
all the killer had to do was

take the wallet
out of your partner's pocket
and remove the money.

Ten seconds.

What did he do
with the rest of the time?

I mean, 30 seconds, sir.

That's a long time
to hang around after
you just killed a man.

Yes, a logical question.
Very good. I agree with you.

I'm gonna think about
that puzzle, Mr. Brandt.
You can count on that.

Good night, sir.

Good night.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(CAR HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

VIVIAN: Oliver, is that you?

Yes, love.

(SIGHING)

How do you like it?

I bought it for you.

Quite lovely.

Oh.

(SIGHING)
You're moody again.

You look exhausted.

(EXHALING)

What's that?

What? What is it?

Just some mud.

What have you
been up to? There.

Oliver,
are you all right?

No. Vivian,
it's Bertie.

He's dead.

What?

At the club.
He was in the library.

He was alone.
A burglar got in.

Oh, Oliver.

Shot him twice.
The police came.

You must be feeling awful.

I was always
the lucky one.
He had no one.

He had us.

I have you.

Poor Bertie.

We must put Bertie
out of our minds.

We'll take a trip.

We'll buy some clothes.

I'm sure you will.

Oliver.

You have been behaving
very strangely lately.

My best friend is
dead, Vivian.

But, darling, we're alive.

Let's enjoy life while we can.

I don't want
to spend it watching
your grieving, dismal,

sweet, intelligent face.

Quite right.

Please forgive me.

I wonder if you'd be
kind enough to tell me

where I might find
Mr. Brandt's office.

Through the double doors.
Mr. Brandt's secretary
will help you.

Thank you very much, madam.

Excuse me, I'm looking
for Mr. Brandt's secretary.

He'll be right back
I'm George Campanella.
May I help you?

No, no, no, sir.
Just waiting
for Mr. Brandt.

Well, he's not
my responsibility.
Not anymore.

He'll be right back.
Just have a seat.

(CLATTERING)

Yes, can I help you?

Thank you very much, sir.
Just waiting for
Mr. Brandt's secretary.

As of today, I am
Mr. Brandt's secretary.

You are?

I just met Mr. Campanella.

Oh, I am sure you did.

My predecessor considers
himself quite a big deal.

Is that a fact?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo, sir,
police. And you are...

Alvin. Alvin Metzler.

Until last night,
I worked for Mr. Hastings.

A fine man.
I hope he rests in peace.

This is about Mr. Hastings?

Yes, sir.
Bertie Hastings,
the deceased.

I'm looking for Mr. Brandt.

Mr. Brandt took
an early lunch.

Sometimes he walks in the park
across the street. South side
of the building.

South side of the building.
Thank you very much.

What is that,
womers lib in there?

They don't let ladies do
that kind of work anymore?

It's still legal. The partners
prefer male secretaries.

Graduate accountants.

That way they learn
the business and they move up.

Now why didn't
I think of that?

Then they get
secretaries, right?

Girl-type secretaries.

This fellow, George,
the one that I just
met in there,

he used to work for
Mr. Brandt. I guess
he just got promoted.

Right.
A full-fledged accountant.

I hope Alvin was polite
to you in there
because he's very upset.

So Alvin thinks
he should've gotten
promoted?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Who can figure bosses?

You know, sir,
that new secretary of yours,

that's a man you can
really depend upon,

that... Alvin?

Alvin?
Yes, Alvin.

He tells me how much
you like to come
to the park after lunch,

and here you are,
just like he said.

Mind if I walk along, sir?

No, no.
I'd be delighted.

I also met your other
secretary, the one
that's the accountant now.

Yes, George.

George.

Would you do me
a big personal
favor, sir?

My pleasure.

You see, I have this
nephew, he's studying
to be an accountant.

Isn't that terrific?

Yeah.
I mean, the young people
today, you know,

all they wanna be
is movie stars and
football players.

Now this boy,
he wants to be
an accountant.

And I said to myself,

"Who could give me better
advice to pass along to my
nephew than Mr. Brandt?"

I mean, you know firsthand
how this fellow George
worked himself up.

Well, that's because
our firm has a policy

of rewarding skill
and dedication
rather than seniority.

As far as your nephew is
concerned, I suggest he gets
all the education that he can

and then,
when he starts to work,
to apply himself assiduously.

Mr. Brandt,
thank you very much.
That's very good advice.

And I am going to...

Where did you get
the ice cream cone, sir?

From a vendor across the park.

Oh.

Well, I was gonna get one,
but that's too far.

Look at that, sir.
Today is my lucky day.
I'll be right back.

Delicious, sir.

Just delicious.

Yes, I know, Lieutenant.
I'm thoroughly addicted.

Addiction.

That must explain
the umbrella, sir.

My umbrella?

Well, it's such
a beautiful day, sir.

I have to figure that
you always carry
an umbrella.

Another addiction, sir.

Excuse me.

Well, actually no, Lieutenant.
I had forgotten my umbrella

at the Sigma Club and
I stopped by to fetch it.

Well, now...

I suppose you're wondering
why I should bother
on such a lovely day.

That's what I was asking.
The umbrella, yes, sir.

In order to serve, an umbrella
must be available at the first
collision of seasonal clouds.

The debut of a
California drizzle.

Now then,
we must consider.

Where shall I be when
the first rain strikes?

Shall I be at home?
In the office? In my car?

Shall I be at the club?
At lunch?

Now we're dealing
in probabilities.

Right, sir. Probabilities.

Options, you might say.

Options indeed.

Now, in the final analysis,
I spend just 13 hours per day
at my residence.

However, there are other
factors to be considered
in this equation.

Time at the office,
time at the club,
time en route,

and, dear me, we have not
even mentioned weekends.

Time on the golf course.

On top of that, I may be
called upon at any hour
of the day or night

to confer with a client.

Where then should one
keep an umbrella ready
for instant use?

Upon consideration of these
and other variables,

I have come to the conclusion,
sir, that the one,

the only proper place
to lodge an umbrella,

giving one the best play
in the game of avoiding
being rained upon,

that place is precisely
at home.

Good day, Lieutenant.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Mr. Brandt.

Yes, what is it, George?

These private accounts
you were interested in, sir.

I thought, what, with
this being tax season,

you might prefer
to work on them at home,
at your convenience.

Yes, how very thoughtful
of you, George.

Why don't you drop them by
this evening on your way home?

I'd be happy to.

(TICKING)

I have a theory, Lieutenant.

I know how
the murderer did it.

There never was any burglar.
Somebody planned
to kill Mr. Hastings.

Planned? You really think so?

I think he was killed
before we heard the shots.

Because we never heard
the real shots.

The shots we heard
were on that record.

On the record.
Shots on the record.

I don't know. I mean
that's a very good idea,

but I just played that record
four separate times.

I don't suppose
I could've missed
those shots.

But I could play it
again and see.

That's okay,
Lieutenant.

I didn't realize you played
the record at all.

Well, you keep thinking,
Caroline. I can use
all the help I can get.

And anyone who can come up
with an idea as good
as the one that you just had

can also come up
with the answer.

And I'm gonna tell you
something else.

You not only have
a terrific mind,

you're also
a remarkably pretty girl.

You know something,
Lieutenant?

That's the very first time
anybody ever told me

they liked me for my body
instead of my mind.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Sorry.
Excuse me! I'm sorry.

Forgive me, sir.

Well, it's a funny thing,
you know.

You're just the person
that I was looking for.

Would you mind
stepping inside for
just one moment, sir?

I was looking for
you too, Lieutenant.

What a coincidence.
Let me ask you
something, sir.

That big dictionary
on the floor, does that
look peculiar to you?

Well, it should be
on the stand.

That's what I thought.
And another thing.

The medical examiner
says that both bullets
entered the body

at exactly the same angle.

Now if the killer fired
and then the body fell.

Then he fired again,
like you all heard...

Then the bullets would've
entered at different angles.

Yes, I would say so, sir.

That goes right along
with my suicide theory.

Suicide?

You mean he shot himself
in the chest,
then fell to the floor,

then did it again?

One thing, sir.

How did he get
rid of the gun?

Part of his plan.
He had to.

Had to?

Get rid of the gun.

I sold Bertie
his life insurance.

There's a suicide clause
in the policy.

If I can ever be
of any help...

Suicide clause.
I can guess what that is.

If he kills himself
your company doesn't pay.

So he had to
hide the gun.

Now,

I think he had it

on some sort
of elastic tether.

Elastic? Oh, that's
very interesting.

(EXCLAIMING)
He fired the first shot,

the rigging probably triggered
the second shot.

And the gun just snapped away.

Where to, sir?

Two possibilities.

Out the window.

Screen on the window.

I don't know how the gun...

Then, if you'll
take the trouble

to glance up the chimney,

I am sure you'll
find the gun.

You're not gonna
believe this, sir.
But I...

You see, I...

You already checked up there?

Don't get me wrong, sir.
I never thought of the gun
being on the elastic.

I mean, I just happened
to look up there

I mean, it was just because
the... All the lab boys,
you know,

they were vacuuming the rug
and they said that there was
powder carbon around.

Well, anytime, Lieutenant.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, you poor man.

Why didn't you park
in the driveway?

Well, I have an oil leak
in my car, madam, and...

Wouldrt you know it.

Just tonight my wife decided

to try out a new spot remover
for my raincoat.

Why don't you put
your umbrella over there?

Do sit down, Lieutenant.

Oh, would you
look at that?

That's the same Victrola
that they have
down at the Sigma Club.

Yes, Oliver donated it.
One of his clients makes them.

You know, the one at the club
is working very funny. Every
time you push the play button

the needle drops down
right in the middle and
always in the same spot.

Oh, I think
I can explain that.

It has a computer. A memory.

So, say you wanted to
play a Sinatra record.

How about this one?

Really, Inspector?

Well, why not?

Well...

Say you wanted to hear
the second and
the fifth track of a record.

You can set this, so that
it skips all the others.

Just by pushing those buttons?

You can even set it

so that it plays the same
track over and over again.

And it also
switches itself off.

Isn't that something?

A glass of wine,
Lieutenant?

Oh, thank you
very much, sir.

Sir, here I am,
playing with this
beautiful machine and...

What a coincidence.

What I was going to
ask you, sir, was

the murderer wouldn't have
put the record on
up in the library,

and you didn't do it.
So that means
Mr. Hastings did it.

Now did your friend have
any particular liking
for Tchaikovsky?

Bertie had a tin ear.

He understood nothing
and liked everything.

Tchaikovsky included.

That's exactly what
your secretary Alvin said.

I see. Well, I suppose
Alvin would know.

He was with Bertie
for almost a year. Please.

Oh. It's getting
very late, sir.
Mrs. Brandt.

But you haven't touched
your wine.

Some other time, madam.
Thank you very much.

I'll see you out.

One more question, sir.
About those sacks of gold.

If I put them all on the scale
and then take them off
one by one.

No. You use your penny.

You get a card. You have
one reading on the weight.

Right. Got it.

I'm gonna work on that
tonight with Mrs. Columbo.

VIVIAN: Good night,
Lieutenant.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi. I'm Suzy.

Hi, Suzy.

I've tried Esalen,
Primal Scream,
Pyramid Power,

Synanon, a black mass
in San Francisco,

open marriage, est, TA, TM,
I'm OK, You're OK,

and I'm still a target.

Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
We've met.

Nice to see you here.

(LAUGHING)

It's really very crowded
here, madam.

I'm terribly sorry.
I enjoyed it.

I'm Suzy. He's George.

How'd you find me?
Alvin?

I don't like to talk
behind people's backs, sir,

but I don't think
Alvin likes you very much.

Now do you come here often,
Lieutenant?

No, madam.
My first time.

Listen, what else did he
tell you, Lieutenant?

I can tell, sir, that
you're the kind of man

that has a lot of
terrific plans for himself.

But I think you ought
to think about something.

Let me buy you
a drink, Lieutenant.

Thank you very much, madam,
but I'm working.

As a matter of fact,
I can't think of a time
when I wasrt working.

You see, sir,

here I am telling you
something, sir.

Any accountant who is
aware of a felony,

he becomes an accessory
to that felony

unless he reports it
to the proper authorities.

I like the way
you wear your hair.

What I'm saying is...

Oh, thank you
very much, madam.
I like the way you wear yours.

What I'm trying to say,
George, is

I really don't think you're
gonna be able to make it to
the top with a police record.

I don't think so.

SUZY: Goodbye, Lieutenant.

You have some
very interesting friends.

I wish I were dead.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Lieutenant.

You bought that here?

No, I bought it
in the donut shop

because I was gonna eat
it in the elevator, but then
I saw my friend here and...

I'm really terribly sorry.

Well, let me see.

Let's see now.

I can come back.

No, no, no, I'll have...

I'll have a donut.

I thought about
what you said, Lieutenant.

Sir, if it'll be
of any help to you,

I know that Mr. Brandt
lost lots of money
on some stock options.

Alvin again?

So Mr. Brandt needed money.

Have you met Mrs. Brandt?

Yes.

Okay. I went back
to the office one night.

He was Mr. Hastings'
secretary at the time.

Well, there he was, replacing
some files in Brandt's office.

Confidential accounts that
Brandt handled personally.

Now this is
when you were still
Mr. Brandt's secretary, right?

That's right.

Why would Alvin fiddle around
with your boss's accounts?

Because Hastings told him
to bring him the files.

He must've suspected
that his partner was
engaged in some

creative bookkeeping.

Will that be all?

Yes, very nice. Thank you.

Creative bookkeeping?

You see, most of our work
is corporate.

But Brandt likes
to handle some of the
individual accounts himself.

Old clients, mostly widows.

Are these widows, sir,
wealthy?

Loaded.

I checked the files and ran
some computer printouts.

And what's
the bottom line, sir?

Brandt has been sifting funds
from his clients' accounts.

A very nifty job.

So you told your boss
that Mr. Hastings knew
what he was doing?

Congratulations
on your promotion, sir.

I'm always glad to
cooperate, Lieutenant.

Oh, good morning, sir.
I was just explaining
to the Lieutenant that...

Sit down, George.
Finish your grapefruit.

I think I can guess
what you were explaining.

More tips for your nephew,
right, Lieutenant?

Right, sir. George
was telling me exactly

how a young accountant
gets ahead.
Take my seat, sir. Please.

Sir.

He wasrt talking
about his nephew, sir.
It's Alvin again.

(PHONE RINGING)

Good morning, Mr. Brandt. I...

What?

Good morning again, sir.
I thought you'd rather talk
up here.

You're at my desk.

Oh, sorry, sir.

You realize this is
our busiest time of the year.

I understand, sir.
And I wouldn't bother you,

but I'm afraid that
Mr. Hastings might have
been involved

in some nasty things
around here, sir.

I know this is hard
to believe, sir.
But I happen to know

that he had his secretary

take some account files
from your office.

Alvin?

Are you suggesting
a conspiracy
between Bertie and Alvin?

I hate to say this, sir,

but Mr. Hastings might have
been doctoring those accounts.

(SIGHING)

(STUTTERING) This comes
as a terrible shock
to me, Lieutenant.

You'll have to excuse me.

Oh, yes, sir. I understand.
You'll certainly need time
to think.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Mr. Brandt.
What is it?

I owe it to myself
to express my
dissatisfaction.

I was clearly in line for
the position that you gave
George.

You dare tell me your
position in this firm.
You niggling little twit.

You self-serving
ambitious lout.

Maybe Mr. Hastings took
this abuse from you,
but I certainly will not!

And you'll take it, too,
Alvin, twentyfold.

You'll be a secretary here
until you're old and gray.

And if you try to work
anywhere else,
I'll pull so many strings

that you'll strangle in them.

But that's...
Now, go back to your desk!

Suddenly, Alvin,
you're a great,
choking stench in my life.

Get out!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(SLAMMING DOOR)

What was that?

What?

Well, the whole house shook.

The world is crumbling.
What do you expect?

What is wrong with you?

I have been betrayed, pursued,
and threatened by innuendo.

The least I could hope for
is some understanding
from my wife.

It's the new negligee
I bought. Is that it?

It is everything
you have bought.

We are in trouble.
Oh, and of course
it's my fault.

Well, you are the mother
of my predicament.

And now, little Oliver wants
to be mothered. Is that it?

I want what is due me!

Some affection,
understanding, gratitude.

Support in the worst of times.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I have embezzled funds!

And I did it for you.

Oliver, I've never understood
about business.

I belong to another part
of your life.

Do you understand
what I am telling you?

No. And I don't think
I want to.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oliver Brandt.

KLINE: Mr. Brandt,
this is Sergeant Kline.

Lieutenant Columbo
and Sergeant Burke
would appreciate it

if you'd come by
the Sigma Club right away.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(CREAKING)

(RATTLING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GUN FIRING TWICE)

Oh, there you are.

COLUMBO: Is that you,
Mr. Brandt?

It is, Lieutenant.

Come on up, Mr. Brandt.

You need anything else, sir?

No, that's fine.
Good night, Sergeant.

Good night, Lieutenant.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING)

Oh, just in time, sir.
Perfect. I want you
to see this.

Now I want you to see
what happens, sir,
when the record finishes.

It was really very thoughtful
of you, sir, to give
this Victrola to the club.

Well, I...
I enjoy giving pleasure.

I hope those explosions
didn't frighten you, sir.
Just experimenting.

Soon.

COLUMBO: Finished. Now watch.

It glides across the record
and it goes to this point
right here.

Then it goes back again,
past this point here,
right here.

And then it goes all the way
back again and it rests
on this whatchamacallit.

Now, I want you
to notice this, sir.

Here on this whatchamacallit.

Right here.
Funny little scratches.

Here and here.

Do you see those, sir?

Yes.

A tiny clamp with teeth.

Sergeant Burke thinks
baby alligator clamps.

Now a funny thing.

You remember Miss Eisenback
got a long distance call?

Yes, from her father.

In Memphis.

The call came in just
after you left Mr. Hastings
and went downstairs.

Lieutenant Columbo...
And then the call
was interrupted.

She had to hang up
when she heard the shots.

If you say so.

Here it is.

I got this from the South
Central Bell Telephone Company
in Memphis.

Here's the call
from her father.
The date.

How long they talked.

All right.
They talked four minutes.

Which is almost exactly
the same length of time that
the record player is set for.

Watch. I'm going to push
the play button.

Notice that the arm doesn't
start at the beginning.
It starts in the middle.

And if you let that play, sir,
it will take four minutes.

And it does it every time.

Lieutenant, is this what
you called me out for?

No, sir. Not quite.

To tell you the truth, sir,
I have another reason.

Mr. Brandt.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

I know exactly what you did
and how you did it.

The gold sack puzzle, sir.

Mrs. Columbo figured it out.

You said that there were
these sacks of gold in a room

and that one of the sacks
was filled with phony gold.

And that the phony gold
weighed more than
the real gold.

And that I had a penny scale
but only one penny.

And therefore only one chance
to weigh anything.

And I had to figure out
which of the sacks had
the phony gold.

Am I right so far, sir?

Yes.

All right.
Well, let's just say
there were three sacks

because I happen to have
three sacks here.

And we'll make believe that
this chocolate is the gold.

And each real gold piece
weighs one pound.

But one of these sacks
has the phony gold.

And the phony gold weighs
one pound and one ounce.

Am I right up to here, sir?

Satisfactory so far.

Follow me, sir.

We're going to the scale.
Yes.

And here's the scale.

COLUMBO: Now, one bag,
two bags, three bags.

Now we take one piece
from bag one.

We take two pieces
from bag two.

We take three pieces
from bag three.

How many pieces is that, sir?

Six.
Six.

So far so good.

We take all six pieces.
We put them on the scale.

Now if that were
a regular scale

and if all six pieces were
the real gold, it would weigh
six pounds.

But if the first bag had
the phony pieces,

it would weigh six pounds
and one ounce

because I only took one piece
from the first bag.

And if the second bag had
the phony gold pieces

it would weigh six pounds
and two ounces

because I took two pieces
from the second bag.

Bravo, Lieutenant.

And if the third bag were
the phony bag,

it would weigh six pounds
and three ounces and so on
and so on and so on.

Sir...

It's a terrific puzzle.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

Must be fun playing
with these trains.

It'd be terrific if we just
had the time, right, sir?

Yes, it would be nice.

You know, sir,
it's a funny thing.

All my life I kept running
into smart people.

I don't just mean smart
like you and the
people in this house.

You know what I mean.

In school there were
lots of smarter kids.

And when I first joined
the force, sir,

they had some
very clever people there.

And I could tell
right away that
it wasrt gonna be easy

making detective as
long as they were around.

But I figured that

if I worked harder
than they did,

and put in more time,

read the books,

kept my eyes open, maybe
I could make it happen.

And I did.

And I really love
my work, sir.

I can tell you do.

If there's one thing
I've learned, Lieutenant,

it's that we all have
a cross to bear.

Including those of us
who seem most fortunate.

My problem is
just the opposite.

Born smart, as they say.

A blessing, you'd think.

I had no real childhood.
I was an imitation adult.

'Cause that's what
was expected of me.

Most people don't like
smart people.

Most children despise
smart children.

So, early on, I had to hide
my so-called gift,

conceal it from my own
brothers and sisters,
my classmates, in the service.

Painful, lonely years.

You know, sir,
I never thought of that.

I wonder if all those
early bitter memories

had something to do
with my recent discovery

that I simply no longer care

even for my fellow
intelligentsia in this club.

I find them eccentric bores.

Mr. Brandt, now I've
got a puzzle for you.

Man "A" wants to
kill Man "B."

What am I told?

It's kind of a minimum
information problem, sir.

The men are in a room, sir.
Say this room.

Lots of people downstairs.

And Man "A," the killer,
he plans to use a gun.

Then the shot would be heard.

Not with a silencer, sir.

He also would have
to get rid of the gun.

He would have to
hide the gun.

So the killer brings
an umbrella with him.

May I see your
umbrella, sir?

An umbrella to conceal a gun?

Audacious and foolhardy,
I would say.

But you may test your theory,
if you wish.

Oh, I don't
have a gun, sir.
Never carry one.

The killer has a gun.

With a silencer.
So you said.

You see, sir, the killer plans
to put the gun in the umbrella

and then hide the umbrella
in the fireplace

and take it away
some other time.

Ah! But then
there would be
soot on the umbrella.

You are absolutely right, sir.
There would be soot.

Now, there is a second use
for the umbrella.

You see these, sir.

They're like
loud firecrackers.
We call them squibs.

Now the killer plans
to fake some shots

because the victim
is already dead.

I suggest that the squibs
would leave bits of paper
when they explode.

Telltale evidence.

That's why, sir,

the killer plans to catch
the shreds in here.

Most ingenious, Lieutenant.

But wouldn't
the squibs leave
burns, scorch marks?

Now, this umbrella,
for instance,
is quite unmarked.

You are absolutely right, sir.
But suppose this were
the killer's other umbrella.

Oh, I forgot to
tell you, sir.

Last night when I was
at your house,
I took the wrong umbrella.

Excuse me, sir.
Just one moment.

I took yours. It was
an honest mistake, sir.

And we're not allowed
to get evidence that way.

But as long as I had it,

the lab found burns
from the squibs.

And lots of soot, sir.

I see.

Now, tell me this,
Lieutenant.

How were the squibs detonated?

The killer is
a very intelligent man, sir.

Watch. I put the squibs
in the umbrella and the gun.

We'll pretend
that this is the gun.

Now, the killer

wedges the umbrella
up the chimney.

You can't be serious.

Oh, I am, sir. I am.
Absolutely serious.

Now, we'll just pretend
that this umbrella is
up the chimney.

Now, these wires, sir.

They're attached to a battery

and the same kind of squibs.

Now, we'll just put these
in the umbrella.

And we'll run
this wire, sir,

right over here
to the Victrola.

We push the play button.

And we attach the wires here

and here,
where I showed you
those scratches.

Preposterous nonsense.

Now the killer knows
when the record will end.

Yes, yes, you've
demonstrated all that.

And when the arm comes over
it will make contact.

First here exploding one squib

and then here
exploding the second.

But the body fell
between the two shots.

Yes, sir. That's where
the killer has to take
a very big chance.

The dictionary has
a line here,
dividing it in half.

So it can be balanced
on the edge.

You see, sir? Like this.

Clever but too unpredictable.

Important for
the illusion, sir.

The sound of the body falling.

You've got it.
But impossible to time.

But this killer is
very smart, sir.

Can he make the book fall
between the two shots?
Oh, yes, sir.

How? Triggered by what?
I'll show you.

He would have to be a genius.

I think so too, sir.

Now I don't mean to
imply that I thought
of this all by myself.

I mean, some of the smartest
people in the world are right
here in this club,

and they helped me, sir.
They helped me a lot.

(SCOFFING) They're dunces,
the lot of them.

Mr. Danziger, the president
of the club, you wouldn't
call him a dunce.

Oh, wouldn't I?

Well, it was his idea.
The book, the vibrations...

Vibrations?
What are you talking about?

The first squib, sir.
He really made it
sound very simple.

When the squib goes off,
it produces vibrations.

And that knocks the book down.

That Danziger is a genius!

Vibrations? That nitwit.

The man who conceived all
this, you've made him out
to be a bungling ass!

No! This is what
he would've done. This.

(FIRECRACKER EXPLODING)

There!

(LAUGHING)

There!

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

(PHONE RINGING)

Lieutenant Columbo.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Brandt.
He's right here.

For you, sir.

(RAIN PATTERING)

Yes?

I'm so sorry, darling.

Please come home.
Come to bed.

I need you.

Alas, my dear,
I shall not be
needing you

anymore.

Was it the record player?

Yes, sir.

First it was
the record player.

Why would anybody
start it in the middle?

I should have
changed the cuing.

Extraordinary.
That bothered you?

Will you be
taking me in?

No, sir.
Someone will be along.

Lieutenant,
what did you say
your IQ was?

I really don't know, sir.

It must be very high.

My own is...

We have a test here.

Oh, here.

I'm really not very good
at that sort of thing, sir.

You'll be surprised
at yourself.

Remarkable.

We can go directly to
the more difficult questions.

Ah, yes,
here we are.

Lieutenant, I'm going
to give you four words.

And you tell me
which one does not belong.

Asphalt, uncle,
delight, leave.

Which word doesn't belong?

Asphalt, uncle,
delight, leave.

Well, let me see.
We got Uncle Sam.

Dutch uncle.

Asphalt's the word, sir.

Because you can have
Turkish delight,

French leave and Dutch uncle.
All nationalities.

Lieutenant,
have you ever considered
a different line of work?

Me, sir? No.

Never. I couldn't do that.

... crying for you

And as I sit here and sigh

Says I,
"I can't believe it's true"

Boo-hoo,

I tell my mama on you

The little game
that you played

Has made her baby oh so blue

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