Original subtitles

What do you think?

I think that I had better try and help you

Would you? Oh, that would be an honor

Detective Lucerne helping me

Wait till I tell my wife

You Hands up No noise

We still think it was premeditated, don't we?

Oh, I don't know, sir What do you suppose?

And here I thought you were in shock

You thought I was confused

You're right

Perhaps scared

You're amazing

If you tell me that one more time, I'm gonna kill myself

That's ridiculous Is it?

Halfadozen people have already attested to the fact

that I was nowhere near the Baker home on the night she was killed

Not one of those six people realized

he was listening to a recording

Not one of those six people realized

that vague illusion moving behind the screen

was not you at all,

but someone else

A fascinating theory

You know, some people think you're the most brilliant detective of our times

I tend to agree because, as it happens,

you're absolutely right

Yes, I did kill Mrs Baker

But for all your vaunted brilliance, Lucerne,

there's no way in the world that you can prove what I've just said

Ah, the other half of the team

WARD: The gentleman whose silhouette impersonated you so well

behind the screen It's Joseph, isn't it?

lt'll be a treasure to pill you, Mr Lucerne

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm sorry!

"Treasure to pill you? "

He was all right up to there

Replace him

Claire, don't you understand?

The studio doesn't pick up one cent

of this extra tab on Ward, we do

You and I, we produce the show We own it

This extra money for Ward is coming out of our pockets

Why don't you just let me handle that?

Now, gentlemen,

may we continue?

Who does Ward Fowler think he is?

Now, look, Claire

As representative of this studio

I will not stand for this precedent

There is no actor in the business who is irreplaceable

Claire, Ward Fowler is not the first actor on this network

to win an Emmy,

and he's already one of the highest paid performers in television

If we give in to him now

Now, say you don't give in to him

He walks

Then what are you going to do?

Without Ward Fowler, there isn't going to be any next year for this show

And because of Ward Fowler,

Detective Lucerne has the highest rating in television

Sid and I have given you a show that has been a winner year in and year out

But

Ward Fowler is the show

As the other half and rather silent partner of this team,

I'm afraid I have to go along with my wife

Try to look pleasant, Ward

You're supposed to be pleased when you get a raise

How many times must I tell you that?

Do you enjoy insulting me, Claire,

as much as you enjoyed making love to me?

Or more? You didn't use to think I was so bad

Well, I, didn't used to think

Neither did I, if I remember

You do remember?

What a tribute

You know, I don't buy this hellhathnofury act of yours

I just think it's your way of blackmailing me

and feeling wronged all at the same time

And, you know, it's so wasteful

'Cause I'd give you anything you asked for

Just 'cause you asked for it You know that, don't you?

I know you invented me and I'm still grateful

I get a little bored with this kind of talk

You give me what I want because there's nothing you can do about it,

and that's the only reason

Otherwise, darling,

grateful or not, you wouldn't give me the sweat off your

personality

Joe! Joe, those were marvelous night scenes

Wonderful!

JOE: Thanks, Mrs Daley

Now, Ward, you just keep remembering that I invented you,

all of you,

and I only take half for my trouble

Just half Off the top

Buy the silver, the usual way

You're quite the little dictator

You know, you sound like that show we did last August

The one where we tried to make the murderer sympathetic

Oh, yes That was because the blackmailer

was so dictatorial and vicious

Well, I wouldn't dwell on it if I were you

You wouldn't make a murderer, not even a sympathetic one

That much personality you don't have

Excuse me There's a call for you, Mrs Daley

Where would you like to take it?

Mrs Daley's gonna take the telephone call in my dressing room

Thank you

Where else would Mrs Daley take her telephone calls?

No, that's all right, Cathy

Yes, I can make the 9:20 preview

But I No I'll have to leave from the office

I have tons of work to do

No You thank Mark for me, but he is Ward's gofer, not mine

And, besides, I don't like cheeseburgers

All right, sweetie, I'll stop at Tony's on the way to the preview

and get a sandwich Yes, I will

See, tell Sid that he's sweet, but he should leave I'd rather go alone

Okay, thanks Byebye

Sid is having an affair with his secretary

It makes him so considerate

It's boring to have so much attention

Is there anything that doesn't bore you, Claire?

Mmmhmm Silver certificates

I would paper my bedroom with them if I could

I wouldn't put it past you

Where would you put it?

(DOOR CLOSES)

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COMMENTATOR trail in the top half of the inning

The third inning already

Yeah, I was held up in traffic, Ward I'm sorry

Look, if you have something else to do, just let me know

Oh, but I don't, honest

I've been looking forward to this game like crazy

Good You know how I hate watching these things alone

Here, I'll get you a drink

Hey, I've been on the wagon for eight months, Ward

That's a world's record for me

Huh, Ward?

COMMENTATOR back in Kansas City, youll recall, earlier this week and

One drink isn't gonna turn you into a pumpkin, you know

out there Heres the wind, the pitch and the swing

and a high, pop fly on the infield

Settling under it, the shortstop, Jones, who makes the catch

One away!

Los Angeles with one out, a tie game at three

and here comes first baseman, Tony Eberly

Uhoh We're in trouble

Eberly's up Automatic out

What're you talking about? He's a good kid

Couple more years, he'll be right there

No way He can't hit in a clinch

Are you kidding?

Wanna put your money where your mouth is?

Yeah

Ten bucks says he gets a hit

You're on You got it

Swings into the windup and heres the pitch

Fastball, high And taken by Eberly, its ball one

Ball one If he gets a walk, no bet

Eberly digs in

Waves that bat back and forth

Brenner leans in, gets his sign from Kowalski

Heres the wind and here comes the pitch

Swung on and a high fly ball, foul and drifting into the stands in leftfield

One ball, one strike to Eberly

Heres the wind, here comes the pitch Swung on and missed

Ooh, he had his best rip at that one,

but he swung through a fastball, kneehigh on the inside

Brought it in under the fist, did Whitey Brenner

And so the count goes one and two on Eberly

One out, no one aboard for Los Angeles

Brenner looks in, gets his sign

The outfield deep around toward leftfield

Heres the wind and here comes the pitch

COMMENTATOR Wahlberg sprinting around first

and he comes into second with a standup double

So we swing into the top of the fifth inning, and were all tied at

You gotta mix it up a little You gotta live, sweetie

Tony Tony, for ten years you have been trying to corrupt me

What can I do? I am a purist

So will you please wrap up my sandwich and on the double

because I have to be at a preview in ten minutes

Ah, it is a pity m'lady

Cast out these beautiful morsels from our life

CLAIRE: Tony Tony!

You are auditioning again for me, Tony!

Please, I told you

Let's play it simple No noise

You Hands up

Hey, is this a joke?

Quiet, shut up! What have you got? Cash

Hey, she's a friend of mine WARD: Shut up, I said!

Open the cash register

I already made a deposit this morning

That's all I got for you I swear to God, take it

The guy across the street

Turn around Put your hands up

You, move ahead Move around

Hold it!

Put your hands up

My hands Up Higher

(TONY GROANING)

Walk to the door

Please, don't

I said walk to the door

Ward?

It is you, isn't it?

Move to the door, Claire

You're wrong

I know you

You're not the type

Keep your hands up Higher!

Why should I do what you tell me to do

if you're going to kill me anyway?

Because if you do as I say, maybe I won't

Well, this is one mess you're going to have to clean up for yourself

I am going to lower my hands now and leave

Good night, Ward

COMMENTATOR A double in the bottom of the sixth inning by

has given Los Angeles a 75 lead

and were ready to go in the seventh inning

Leading it off will be Vince Carr

Whitey Brenner was relieved by Kowalski back in the fourth inning

Hes into the windup and here comes the pitch

Carr swings and misses lts 0 and 1 A good fastball

Carr hitting 231 on the season

Seventh inning here in Los Angeles

A beautiful night and the score is 75, LA

The wind and the pitch and a high fly ball to left

COMMENTATOR And here comes Scooter DAgosta in from the bullpen

lts a critical spot, now Bases loaded

We got two outs in the ninth inning

And the game is 76

DAgosta has won four and lost three on this season,

has eight saves

Hes a

COMMENTATOR from Brenner and the count now is full,

three balls, two strikes on Tony Eberly

Were tied at three in the bottom of the third inning

Mark! Wake up! You're missin' the game!

Hey! How can you fall asleep?

Eberly's got the count to three and two

and a highfly ball, sliced down the right field line

Fair or foul? lts at the foul pole lts a home run!

You just lost ten big ones, fella Pay up

The dope finally made it

Oh, what a head

Come on You'll sleep it off Okay

Okay, okay There you go

I should've realized you can't take the stuff

(COMMENTATOR CHATTERING)

I'm sorry, Ward

Just a few minutes

Hes had trouble getting his curve ball over tonight

11, the count The pitch to Johnson

Swung on, a line drive Base hit into leftfield

Johnson circles at first, the throw comes into second, he holds at first

with a solid base hit to left And with one out, a 43 lead,

Johnson at first base, and heres catcher, Phil Baxter

What have you got, Morella?

Hey, Lieutenant

We're gonna wanna ask him some more questions before you take him in for xray

You bet

Got us a dead lady and one pretty beat up deli owner

What happened?

Robbery Guy comes in all bundled up like a downhill racer

Comes over to here, lady's over here

Tony's behind the cash register

Takes her money, grabs the money out of the till,

shoves Tony up against the oven

He starts pistolwhipping him

The lady must've started to go

because Tony heard the guy yell, "Don't move"

Went back to pistolwhipping him,

the lady must've really got scared and started to run

The guy came out, shot her in the back

You got an ID?

Almost celebrity, you might say

You ever watch a show called Detective Lucerne?

Are you kidding? We never miss that show What a detective

Claire Daley She produced it, she and her husband

(TSKS)

Here's her wallet, Lieutenant Money's gone

Didn't bother with anything else

Oh, sir? What's that fella's name?

Tony

Tony!

Excuse me, sir

My name is Columbo, Lieutenant Columbo

Do you think you can answer a few questions?

TONY: Yeah, sure

I'm a little scrambled, but go ahead

Now, I know this fellow was all covered up,

do you remember anything that might set him apart?

Like his size or the way he walked, the way he talked?

This guy came in

He was cool as a cucumber

Wearin' a blue parka,

and a red ski mask

A little taller than those bottle of olives on top of that counter

Not a big guy, about your height

Average height

Well, that's right, average height

Or a little shorter

Or shorter

TONY: Well, that's about it

She was a sweet person We go back ten years, Lieutenant

There we are Two weeks after I opened up the place

What a soul this lady had

Find him, Lieutenant, please

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: All right, kill the noise! Let's have quiet, please!

(BELL RINGING)

DIRECTOR: Roll 'em

And action!

Jimmy, Jimmy Let's go in tight

(WHISPERING)

Tight, tight I'm as tight as I can go

(WHISPERING)

Get down! We're shooting a movie

Get down

Get down

DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut!

(BELL RINGING)

What is this? Who is that?

Let's move it We've cut

It's a little too late to be careful, sir

I'm sorry, I

Oh, what is going on here?

Will somebody get the security guards?

I can't tell you how sorry I am, sir

Would you mind very much, sir

for making this disturbance I really can't tell you

My name is Columbo I'm from the police

We're ready when you are Lieutenant Columbo

No, that's all right, Danny Just hold on a second

It's all right

Never mind the security

Okay Take five!

You'll have to excuse me,

Lieutenant Columbo

I'm terribly sorry

How can I help you?

Oh, that's very nice of you, sir I appreciate that

After what I did Gee whiz

Where was I?

This is a little difficult

I'm looking for a Mr Daley

Sid Daley?

He wasn't at his house last night and he wasn't there this morning,

and they just told me at his office

that they don't know when he's gonna be in,

so I was wondering if, you know,

I thought maybe somebody here would have an idea where he might be

Yes, this is about Claire, isn't it?

Yes, sir Yes I'm afraid it is

I heard about the shooting on the radio

And I still I still can't I mean I

I can't quite

I keep expecting her to walk in through the door

I know it's silly for me to think that No

You want some ice?

No, no, no, no, no But she was something special to me

I mean, everybody felt that, but she was

I wouldn't be worth a damn today, if it wasn't for her

And it was more than that

She was my friend

Hey Take it easy, Ward

Exactly what time did it happen, Lieutenant?

Last night, sir About ten minutes to nine

Ten minutes to nine

God knows what I was doing

when she could have used my help

Alone in my room, probably, with some idiot script

You were not, you were watching the ballgame with me

I was? A ballgame?

(SCOFFS)

Oh, God I hope I wasn't I was alone I hope I wasn't

But you weren't alone

Listen, Lieutenant, he's upset

He's nervous, you know?

And he

Mark, for God's sakes! Will you stop it!

This isn't one of my shows!

This actually happened Claire's

Claire's dead Now, will you take that soup and get out of here

I can't take anymore today

Look, all I meant was you

Will you just get out of here!

Sir And stay out!

Sir, he didn't mean any harm,

if you'll forgive me for saying so, sir

I sometimes have a silly effect on people, you know what I mean?

Just being a police lieutenant, you know

At least, I hope that's why

Yes, I'm sure it is

Your friend, sir He was just trying to be nice

(SIGHS)

What?

Oh Him No, no He wasn't trying to be nice

He was trying to fix me up with an alibi

Then it wasn't true?

What, Lieutenant?

I Excuse me I keep swimming in and out of myself

Well, you know, that's what happens, sir

It's kind of like being in shock

Maybe you ought to sit down for a minute, sir

I am not in shock I don't need to sit down

What was it that you asked me?

Well, sir, it was only what you said

about being fixed up with an alibi

I mean, did he have a reason to?

Lieutenant, would you mind speaking clearly?

Did who have a reason to do what?

Make an alibi, sir, your friend

I mean, were you watching the ballgame at ten minutes to nine, sir, with him?

Oh, I see Well

Yes, I suppose I was

I don't have an exact memory

about time, that's why I have Mark

And if he says I was, I was

He's very responsible about time

That's what makes him a superior gofer

You think she was murdered, don't you?

I beg your pardon, sir?

You heard me

Yes, sir, I did

I mean

Yes, I do think it was a premeditated killing, sir

I mean, I think the robbery was staged to coverup the murder

How did you know, sir?

Why else would you be here?

It could be just a routine check, sir

No, Lieutenant

They don't send a police detective stumbling around

asking silly, fakeinnocent questions on a routine check

I know that from my show

Well, silly, fakeinnocent questions like what, sir?

(CHUCKLES)

Like, "Mr Daley wasn't at home last night

"He wasn't there this morning They told me at the office

"Said they didn't know when he'd be in,

"and I was wondering

"if anybody here had any idea where he would be"

A man on a routine check

STAGEHAND: Your chair, sir

just asks for Mr Daley Thank you

(CHUCKLING)

Well, you're absolutely amazing, sir

You're right

And here I thought you were in shock

No, you didn't

You thought I was confused

Perhaps scared

And probably playing for time

Amazing

What makes you think her murder was premeditated?

The usual thing, sir

Little facts that plain don't fit, you know, sir

Anything I hate, it's one of those little facts

Doesn't ever seem to matter how small it is, either, sir

It could be this big

Like he left the credit cards behind

I mean, why does a street robber grab money from a wallet

and leave the credit cards?

They're worth a pretty good piece of change on the black market

You see what I mean, sir?

Credit cards What else?

Oh, there was an alligator bag

A diamond ring

I doubt very much if a robber in a hurry, on the edge of panic,

is gonna take the time to pull the ring off of Claire's finger

You mean, sir

You mean, if she was dead, he couldn't get it off?

Well, she is, I believe, isn't she?

Well, yes, sir But he could have asked her for it first

Before he shot her

I remember Claire trying to get that ring off at a party once

Some silly game people were playing

She couldn't Not even with soap

And you can check that out with her husband

He was the one that asked her to take it off

He was on the other team

Boy, when you say you studied,

you aren't kidding, are you, sir?

Well, then, what about the alligator bag?

An alligator bag that is six years old

is apt to be wornlooking

It doesn't look like it's worth very much

It probably isn't

How do you happen to know all that much about her bag, sir?

I gave it to her

Well, that takes care of that, doesn't it?

Right Well, I guess, then

there's only the credit cards, sir

If the killer is an idiot

I beg your pardon, sir,

I don't quite follow your meaning there

Well, you don't kill a woman

and then sell the credit cards with her name on it

The police have been known to bribe fences before, you know

Well, of course I'm sorry, sir

I should've thought of that myself

Jeez, I guess you're right, aren't you?

Not a lot to go on, is there?

Cup of coffee?

Sir?

Except the panic

The panic?

Yes, sir I might have something in this area

See what you think

Mrs Daley was shot at a distance of 30 feet

and she was shot in the back

Are you with me so far?

Yes, I think I can grasp that

Now,

Tony

He's the owner of the deli

He said that the killer was "cool as a cucumber"

That's a direct quote, sir

So that means that when Mrs Daley tried to run,

that's when he lost his cool

See, that's when he panicked and he shot her

But he hit her right in the heart, sir,

and at the distance of 30 feet while she was running

Now, that's hard to do in a panic

What do you think?

I think that I had better try and help you

because you're going to ask me to, aren't you?

You did it again, sir You read my mind

Would you? Oh, that would be an honor

Detective Lucerne helping me

Wait till I tell my wife

Somebody asking for me?

Oh, Sid, it's all right

This is Lieutenant Columbo from the police department

This is Claire's husband, Sid Daley

Sid, what can I tell you? You know how I

How I felt about Claire, huh?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: We're ready, Mr Fowler!

Yeah Yeah, I'll be right there

Whoops!

We're hooked

I'm terribly sorry to have this happen at such a tense moment

Mr Fowler, we're ready!

I said, I'll be there

I'd better watch this, Lieutenant Do you mind?

SID: What's the story, huh?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: We're running a little late, Sidney

Let's move it, huh?

Lieutenant, what about this robber?

Do you have any leads?

Well, sir

The truth is, it seems to be a little bit more complicated

than a robbery, sir

Oh? What the Lieutenant is saying

is that he's come to the conclusion

that Claire may have been murdered and the robbery may be a coverup

Murdered?

That's insane

Don't you think you should have come to me first with this, Lieutenant?

Well, I tried to, sir I've been looking for you ever since last night

I was with my lawyer last night

We meet for chess once or twice a month,

and last night turned out to be a marathon session

We didn't quit until five in the morning,

so I stayed over

Thank you, sir

This friend, sir, the lawyer,

where can I reach him?

SID: Is this a grilling session?

What am I? Some kind of suspect or something?

Nothing personal, sir

I have to ask these routine questions

Well, his name is Leo Hart

But I think you're gonna have trouble contacting him

He took the plane for Rome at noon

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: We're ready to roll

Let's do it then, huh?

Mark! Why don't you entertain the Lieutenant while we shoot this

I'm sure he's seen this, anyway

Seen it? He was in it

Yeah, you know, Ward is right

Time is my business, you know, and I always know it

Oh, boy, am I hungover today

I'll be glad when this day's over

Hey, what time you got, Lieutenant?

11:00 on the dot

Are you kidding?

Jeez, I paid a thousand smackers for this watch

I lost five minutes overnight

Do you mind, sir?

I have never seen a thousand dollar watch before

Boy, that must be solid gold

That's platinum

Oh, no wonder it looks so different

Well, there's nothing wrong with your watch, sir

You have 11:00, too

Yeah, but it should be five minutes past eleven

I always set my watch, you know, five minutes fast

You know, you're always racing against time 24 hours a day

Excuse me, sir, are those men members of your crew?

Oh, yeah Yeah They're with us all the time

Good I think I'll have a word with them

Thank you very much for everything

Excuse me, sir Lieutenant Columbo, LAPD

I wonder if I can have a word with you?

MAN 1: We're gonna have the hotel in the shot, right?

MAN 2: Everything

On the master, right?

In the master, right Okay

This is where He comes up right here

Can I ask you this?

What now?

This is just the way we discussed it

This we do on stage This is on stage three, right?

Right Stage three

How long do we stay there? Two days at the most Then we go to four

Well, what I wanna know Would you make a note of this, Cathy?

What I wanna know is do we really need this set?

Excuse me, sir I don't wanna interrupt you

Is that the shark from Jaws?

Yeah, I believe it is, Lieutenant

That's the one that they used in the picture?

I think so

Well, that looks different to me

I can't help that

If we do scene 31 on stage four

Could they have two?

I You know, because in the picture

Lieutenant at the end, it got all mangled

Lieutenant, I know you didn't come here to talk about sharks

I'm pressed for time What do you want?

Well, I just wanted to ask a couple questions

We got wardrobe in five minutes

I can give you two minutes

Fine

Thank you very much

I understand, sir,

that you and your wife were living apart

That's true, Lieutenant

We haven't been close for some time now

Would you know, sir,

whether or not she was seeing somebody?

I don't mean to get personal,

but somebody whom she might be emotionally involved with?

Claire was devoted to her work, Lieutenant

She wasn't any more interested in lovers

than she was in her husband

It made for a pretty miserable marriage

Well, still, you must've gotten along pretty good

I mean, you were partners in business

Partners? That was on paper, Lieutenant

Claire fought me on everything

She had to have things done her way

If I said white, she'd say black

All you have to do is take a look at this new Ward Fowler contract

Paying an actor that kind of money is insanity

Now, wait a minute Let me get this straight

Are you saying that you didn't wanna pay him that money?

I think they should have turned him down

I think he would have folded

But Claire argued me right under the table

I was an idiot for giving in

Now, if this show takes a dip they'll drop it

I still don't understand

You and your wife were partners

Now, isn't it to her best interest

not to give him all that money?

In anything involving Ward, she always took his side

Forgive me for asking this, sir

I seem to remember stories

that at one time they were pretty close

Are you suggesting that their relationship

was still pretty close?

Yeah But not the way you mean it, Lieutenant

Oh, sure, they'd had a big romance,

but by the time I came into the picture, it was dead

But that didn't mean that Claire was finished

watching over Ward's career

She stopped being a lover and she became a mother

Sent him off to have his teeth capped

Made him drop ten pounds

Showed him how to comb his hair

It sounds like she was proud of him

It was ego

Claire's ego

You learn

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Lieutenant Columbo

MAN: No problem No problem

COLUMBO: Lieutenant Lucerne

I just wanted to fill you in, sir

Right What have we got?

Nothing

We still think it was premeditated, don't we?

Oh, I don't know, sir What do you suppose?

Well, I suppose if that's your instinct, then it must be right

My instinct about Claire,

and I don't have any clues to go on,

is that she was what they call,

I believe the term is victimprone

Some people are, you know?

And Claire, well,

Claire was given to taunting people

She was a born victim

She was the kind who asks for it

In her marriage, in her life

Quite possibly in her death

That's fascinating, sir

You've got quite a way of putting things

Especially about Mrs Daley Let me ask you, sir

Could you maybe tell me more about her?

Not much

But you're right

About what, sir?

What you're thinking

I was lying before

I didn't like Claire very much

I haven't for years

Which doesn't mean to say

I wasn't shocked by the news of her death, I was

And I was still a little bit shook up when you first walked in,

so I said whatever sounded right to a detective

Some other detective Not you

Please sit down

Properties, a glass for the Lieutenant, please MAN: Yes, sir

You had me absolutely fooled, sir

Really?

Scout's honor

Even after you asked a few questions around the set?

Thank you Our fights, Claire's and mine,

weren't always discreet

And some of them were overheard, I believe

You must have been told by the crew

You know how people talk

Yes, I do I know exactly how they talk

But gossip doesn't mean anything, sir, does it?

One way or another

I mean, we still don't have anything to go on

except the fact that the killer hit the bull'seye from 30 feet

If he hit the bull'seye, Lieutenant

What do you mean, sir?

I mean that there's as good a chance

of a man hitting the shoulder

as there is of his hitting the heart

Which leads us to another theory

We're going to assume that our man is a robber,

with no prior intent to kill anyone

And we're also going to take into account the fact

that a bullet aimed high at the back

has a better than 280% chance

of killing the victim by hitting a vital organ

in a crime that is not premeditated

by a robber who is not an expert marksman

Now, what do you think the odds rise to

if the man is an expert marksman

Do you think an exmercenary, a kid hungup on guns,

excuse me, a former policeman, shoots still targets?

No Part of being an expert marksman

is hitting a moving target

And a man who is accustomed to firearms enough to be an expert marksman

is often in a situation of panic

That's brilliant, sir

That's very impressive

No wonder you solve more crimes than I do, sir

Oh, wait a minute

Wait a minute, sir

I forgot

Forgot what?

The dress

The what?

I think I can show you what I mean, sir

Excuse me, sir

Would you draw a circle back there right around the area of the heart?

Don't press too hard, sir I don't wanna ruin the coat

Now what?

Now I drop my hands

Do you see what happened to that circle, sir?

When I dropped my hands, the circle dropped, too

Now, when I first saw Mrs Daley's body,

I noticed that she was wearing

one of those tightfitting dresses

And that the bullet hole in the dress

was about an inch below the actual wound in her body,

which meant that she had to be holding her hands up

when she was shot

And she couldn't be running away, could she?

I mean, with her hands standing like this

No one runs for their lives with their hands straight up

So, either she was walking with her hands straight up

or she was standing still with her hands straight up

when the gunman shot her in the back

Very well done

But I wish you had said something before about this

It would've saved us a lot of time, wouldn't it?

Well, we're back to our deliberate murderer, aren't we?

And this time there's no doubt about it

Really, Lieutenant, really well done

MAN: Ward, the car's ready to leave for the back lot

COLUMBO: This is what the police artist came up with

WARD: Not much help, is it?

No help at all, sir

I shouldn't have wasted your time

Well, I'll just let myself out

Thank you very much

Where is the Oh!

There's the door

Lieutenant, where do you think he got the costume?

Well, funny you should mention that, sir

I've been asking myself that same question all day

There's a couple of odd things about it

Neither the parka nor the ski mask

have any markings on them

No way to trace them

and they were cut to ribbons, anyway

You certainly lock yourself in here, sir

And very smart to do it, too

Oh, here we go

No, that doesn't work either

You think he mutilated the disguise

because he was afraid someone might recognize it?

Exactly, sir

Boy, do you and I think the same way It's amazing

Isn't it?

I wonder, sir

Is there a trick to unlocking this door, sir?

I can't seem to manage it

Everybody has trouble with this

Thank you very much, sir

Oh, did I mention the mask?

That it was slashed?

No That it had makeup on it

The lab turned it up, sir

Where would he find a mask that had makeup on it?

That's a very good question

I believe you know the answer

I believe I do, sir

We could be looking for a woman

Precisely

We've assumed all along it was a man,

but it's possible we were wrong

Particularly in the light of this

Oh, I'm relieved to hear you say that, sir

I thought you were going to say

it was impossible because of Tony

Tony He's the owner of the delicatessen

Saying that the voice was a man's

But, the below average height

and the fact that the voice was disguised

and it was muffled by the mask

All indicate at least the possibility of a doubt as to the gender

The lab is going to be running some more tests on that makeup,

so I'll report tomorrow

You should be on salary, sir, with these hours

I feel I am

Good working with you

Thank you

(COLUMBO HUMMING)

(KNOCKING)

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I guess I just got carried away, sir

I hope you don't mind

No, no It's all right

These shoes, sir, they're really terrific

Now I know why, Lieutenant Lucerne, he always look so tall

Yes, well, I would appreciate

a certain amount of discretion in that matter, Lieutenant

Public image, you know

Oh, right, sir

Oh, well,

you don't have to worry about a thing, sir

As far as I'm concerned,

you're four inches taller than I am

And that's the end of it

Thank you, Lieutenant Columbo

My pleasure, Lieutenant Lucerne

Sir, I got the second lab report on the mask,

so I hurried right over

Yes?

It turns out that it probably isn't a woman, sir

You see, it was actor's makeup

Not the kind of makeup

that women use in the street Pancake

Women very often use a brand of makeup

that's made up for actors like pancake

I, for example,

use precisely that product myself

Yes, sir I know

Yes I'm sure you do by now

No, but the point here is something else, sir

You see, the lab found traces

of four different shades of makeup on that mask

And women, you know, they don't usually change shades that much

So, in the light of that, sir, I got to thinking

Where did it lead you to this time?

A guess, sir

A professional makeup man?

Right, sir

And then to my makeup table

Oh, no, sir No, sir No

I only came here to see you Honest

I was just fooling around with the shoes

just to pass the time for something to do until you came in

No I didn't look at another thing while I was here

That means you didn't have to

You already know something

Where did you look?

Guess, sir I'll give you three guesses

The studio wardrobe department

You got it in one, sir

That's absolutely amazing You're right

The parka and the ski mask

That's where they both came from

And the gun?

Come on, sir You're putting me on

You know that guns don't come from the wardrobe department

Of course How stupid of me

No, that's the prop department, sir,

not the wardrobe department

How does a smart man like Lieutenant Lucerne

make a mistake like that?

Because you're not talking to Lieutenant Lucerne at the moment,

are you, Lieutenant?

You're talking to Ward Fowler

Well, what's the difference, sir?

The difference is Ward Fowler's under suspicion of murder

And a man under that kind of threat

is apt to make mistakes

He's apt to get rattled

Well, who ever said anything about Ward Fowler

being under suspicion of murder?

Lieutenant Lucerne did

He did?

Well, how did he come to that conclusion, sir?

He had to face the same fact you did

What fact is that, sir?

There are only four people who could have murdered Claire

You mean the four people who knew

where Claire Daley was going to be that night

Exactly! And only one of those

is instantly associated with makeup, wardrobe and props

COLUMBO: Well, now, let's see

Mrs Daley took the call

from her secretary in your dressing room

when she said that she was going to

Oh, what's his name, sir?

Tony's

You know Tony, sir He's the one who

If you tell me that one more time, I'm gonna kill myself

Sorry, sir Have I said that before?

So the number of people who knew

where Claire Daley was going to be that night,

her secretary,

Mr Sid Daley,

Mark

I'm curious as to how Mark knew

Well, sir, Mark offered to bring her a cheeseburger

and she told her secretary to tell him

that she not only didn't want a gofer,

she didn't want a cheeseburger, either

And that she was going to get a sandwich over at Tony's

And she said to tell her husband the same thing

I see

Well, no you don't, sir

I mean, you must have seen before

Because you were in the room

when she took the call, weren't you?

She made it from this dressing room

I don't know I'm not sure

I'm not in the habit of listening to other people's telephone calls

I didn't know that Claire was going to Tony's

You didn't, sir?

Absolutely not, Lieutenant

Then how did you know, sir, that there were only four people

who knew where Claire Daley was going to be that night

and how did you know that you were one of them?

The same way you did

I asked Claire's secretary and she informed me

that the call was made from my room

You did, sir?

Oh, yes, I did, Lieutenant

Oh, that's very good, sir

Thank you, Lieutenant I believe you meant that

Oh, I did, sir

I'd say we make rather a good team, don't you?

Yeah Sort of like Sherlock Holmes and Watson, sir

No, no, no, no, no

More like Sherlock Holmes and Sherlock Holmes

Well, what I mean, sir, is the way I see it,

I'm working with the highest paid detective in the world

It's not as high as it sounds

Not when you have to pay out as much as I do

Well, I gotta get to work on Sid Daley

Boy, it's hard to find someone in Rome, sir

Yes, I imagine

But his story has to be checked out just like anybody else's

Oh, by the way, sir,

did I mention that we found the gun in the prop department?

No What you said was that was where you were gonna look for one

Oh, that's right, sir Right

And you didn't wanna jump to conclusions

No good detective should

Was there anything on the gun?

Anything like what, sir?

Fingerprints, what else?

Oh, right No, I don't think so, sir

The lab is still running tests

By the way, sir,

why do you think he put the gun back

and threw away everything else?

Perhaps because he didn't have time to get rid of the gun safely

Guns are very easy to trace

And the prop room

may have seemed the safest place to him

I think you hit it again, sir

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Ready when you are, Mr Fowler

Be right there

Oh, sir, if you didn't think I was gonna be in the way,

I would love to

No Not at all Be my guest

Oh, thank you very much, sir I appreciate that

Excuse me, sir

I don't wanna appear grabby,

but do you think I could have one of these, sir?

Certainly As many as you want

That's the usual publicity nonsense

Ward Fowler this, Ward Fowler that Nothing

Nothing to you sir, but to my wife

Boy, she's gonna be tickled pink

(CLEARS THROAT)

But blend it on All right

No I mean blend it, especially on this side

Oh, I see All right

Like that?

I can't tell

Oh, am I in the way, sir? Oh, forgive me I didn't mean to intrude,

That's all right, Lieutenant

That's remarkable

Yes, sir

Remarkable how you do that, sir

My wife would like to have you around

Thank you, Lieutenant

You know, this bio, sir,

it doesn't say anything about

when you were first discovered,

and what you were doing when you were discovered,

who discovered you

I'm going to have a little chat

with the publicity department about that

Come to think of it, sir,

it was Mrs Daley who discovered you, wasn't it?

Now, Lieutenant, I told you all about that with great emotion

and in great detail the first time we met

Well, that's what I mean, sir, it should be in here

Excuse me, Kenny Thank you

Where were you and when

Lieutenant, why don't you just ask me

what it is you wanna know?

Where did Mrs Daley discover you, sir?

That's something even my wife doesn't know

It doesn't say anything here in the bio

It doesn't even say whether Ward Fowler's your real name or not

And that's something any Lieutenant Lucerne fan would wanna know

Why don't we stop pretending

that I'm brilliant and you're simple for one moment

I'm gonna confide something in you

Anything you tell me, sir, it's between us Like the shoes

Lieutenant, my real name,

so help me, Charles Kipling

And you're the only one who knows that

Now, Charles Kipling was in a little bit of trouble

when Claire first found him

Actually, I was doing theater in Toronto

Claire and I hit it off big, she thought I had a great future,

she persuaded me to leave Canada

And that was the beginning

The trouble straightened itself out, of course

But I've always been a little sensitive about it

You understand?

Oh, I certainly do, sir

Lou, Lou, I'm talking, but you're not listening

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) There's no money in the budget

Lou, will you believe me? There's no money

Look, that's the way it is, take it or leave it

Good Good You got yourself a deal

What is it this time, Lieutenant?

I'm a very busy man

There was no one out there, sir

It's all right

So I just came in Congratulations

Congratulations for what?

I heard you came into a lot of money

I see You heard about my little windfall?

Yes, sir, I have

Lieutenant, if you think I knew anything about this,

you're wrong

My lawyer called me and told me

my wife's safe deposit box

was practically layered

with receipts for these silver certificates

I'll be damned if I can figure out how she did it

I think the government's gonna have a little trouble, too,

because she never declared them as income

She kept the certificates in a numbered account in a Canadian bank

And it all goes to you, right, sir?

And it all goes to me After taxes

Including a few lovely IOUs from Ward Fowler

Is that so, sir? That's surprising, isn't it?

Considering all the money he makes

I never question good fortune, Lieutenant

All I know is that getting along with Ward Fowler

is gonna be a lot easier from now on

What about a drink?

That's amazing how she kept it from you

Well she did I just found out about it

Yes, sir, I know Your accountant told me

Oh Well, good

Then that's it, huh?

Yes, sir, that's it

Oh, there's one more thing, sir

Mr Hart is in Rome

He's gonna be back in his hotel room in a little while

Before I talk to him,

were you really playing chess the other night?

Lieutenant, let's get it straight right now

I was not with Leo Hart the other night

But I wasn't busy killing my wife, either

(BUZZER SOUNDING)

Yes, Mr Daley?

SID: Molly, would you come in for a minute? I need your help

Molly, would you please tell Lieutenant Columbo

where I was on Thursday evening,

the night my wife was killed?

The truth

Mr Daley was with me, Lieutenant

We left the office together

and we were together

in my apartment until the next morning

It's the truth

Yes, ma'am

I believe it is

Good afternoon, Lieutenant Lucerne

I suppose you came here for a confession

Well, you're not going to get it, sir

(LAUGHING)

Because

you don't have the facts, sir

(CHUCKLING)

Wait a minute You're gonna love it

Let's see what we got here

All right

I don't know why you started laughing

Here

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Good afternoon, Lieutenant Lucerne

I suppose you came here for a confession

Well, youre not going to get it, sir

(WARD LAUGHING)

I'm just silly, sir, but that machine, that is really fantastic

How much, roughly, would a thing like that cost?

Oh, about $3,000 Not counting the camera, of course

Three thousand? Dollars?

Why, I can get a new car for that Not that I need one

Lieutenant,

you have something to say to me, don't you?

Yes, sir I'm really sorry to bother you like this, sir

But just a couple of questions before my report on Sid Daley

It doesn't look like he could have done it, sir

He was with a girl and she confirmed it

I see

I tell you what

Let's you and I discuss what I have to tell you first

And then we can both interrogate Ward Fowler

You see, as Lieutenant Lucerne,

I have a rather unpleasant idea taking shape in my mind

Brandy?

Thank you, sir

What might that be, sir?

Well, that might be And I'm speaking strictly as Lucerne, of course

Of course

It just might be, unlikely as it may seem,

it just might conceivably be

Ward Fowler is the man we're after

You mean the murderer?

Exactly

No

Yes I know this comes as a shock to you

But let's think about it

Let's examine the possibilities

Well, if you say so, sir,

but I don't see where there could be possibly a motive

Why would Ward Fowler wanna kill Claire Daley?

It's Claire Daley who made him famous

That's what I was wondering and then

I got to thinking about the IOUs

Oh, did you, sir?

Yes Oddly enough I did

I'm speaking as Lucerne, of course

Yes, of course

Half a million dollars in IOUs Wow!

I couldn't help wondering why, with all the money

that Ward Fowler makes,

he could owe Claire Daley that much

And then it hit me

What hit you, sir?

Coffee?

Thank you

Did you happen to see a show last August

that had to do with a man who was being blackmailed by a woman?

Oh, yes, sir, I did see that show Yes

He shot her

Exactly

Why would Claire Daley blackmail Ward Fowler?

And then how?

That's where I'm gonna need your help, Lieutenant

Have you, by any chance,

checked with the Toronto police by now?

Yes, yes, as a matter of fact, I have

I thought maybe you had And they told you

They told me that Charles Kipling was an alias

And that's when you decided to have

Ward Fowler's fingerprints checked with the FBI?

That is absolutely right, sir

You're amazing

Yes, it turns out that Ward Fowler's real name is not Charles Kipling

It's John Snelling and you're a

He's not a Canadian

He's an American

And he went to Canada

after he deserted during the Korean War

There you are There's your motive

How would it look if America's favorite detective

were known to be a Korean War deserter?

Or hadn't that occurred to you?

Oh, yes, sir, it did occur to me,

but there's something wrong with your thinking

If you'll forgive a criticism, sir

I look at it this way

If Ward Fowler's career was ruined,

she wouldn't be able to blackmail him anymore, would she?

He wouldn't have anymore money

And on top of that, the show would fold

And it would be her show

Do you understand my point, sir?

I mean, does an intelligent woman

go and destroy her only means of income?

I don't know Does she?

It's what that character did in the show last August

That's the implicit threat of every blackmailer,

"Pay me or I'll ruin you"

Can I ask you a question, sir?

Why don't we just ask Ward Fowler

if he was being blackmailed or not?

I asked him

And?

He claims not

He claims he has what he calls a weakness

And this weakness has cost him a great deal

and Claire Daley was kind enough to lend him enough money

to cover his rather extensive losses

And do you believe him, sir?

Taking your argument for him into account, I think so

I'm not sure Do you?

Well, it's hard to say, isn't it?

I mean,

taking your argument against him into account

I mean, you know, he had an awful lot to conceal

Did you know that?

For example, the Army unit that he deserted from was the artillery

He was an expert marksman

I checked on that, too

He never told me that

You see?

You never know, do you?

On the other hand,

Ward Fowler has an alibi

He was with Mark during the whole time during the murder

And that alibi is ain'tight

Is it as ain'tight as Sid Daley's?

Oh, I think it's more, sir

I mean, a girl that you're gonna marry

is much more apt to provide an alibi than a gofer

What do we conclude from this interrogation?

Ward Fowler denies having a motive,

he won't admit to having means,

and he can prove that he didn't have opportunity

So that leaves us with Sid Daley

That's a great third act line, isn't it?

"That leaves us with Sid Daley"

Well, I think this has been very helpful, sir

Thank you very much

I certainly appreciate it

Oh One more thing, sir

We got something else on the gun Did I mention that?

No, you didn't What, Lieutenant?

A thread sir

From the parka?

No, sir We haven't traced the garment

from which the thread came from yet, sir

Lieutenant, if I were you, I'd get a search warrant

for all four people involved

Yes, sir That's just exactly what I've done, sir

In fact

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Could you open this, sir?

I still don't have the knack

I would like for us to know, Lieutenant, the meaning of this

Sid, please

He asked me where you were, Lieutenant I hope it's okay that I told him

May I ask what this was all about?

Oh, there's the sweater

Does it match up with the thread?

I think so

We gotta take it down to the lab, though, Lieutenant

It's the only piece of clothing that even came close

I don't know what you're talking about, Lieutenant,

but I do know that suspicion is being deliberately cast on me

and I can guess by whom

Well, sir, I won't deny that Lieutenant Lucerne

Will you stop calling him Lieutenant Lucerne?

He's a television detective

You can't conduct an investigation based on his suspicions

Well, sir I did have a reason beyond his suspicions

You see, the gun that killed your wife, sir,

had a little piece of thread that got caught on the trigger

I'm afraid, sir, that that thread

came from this sweater

A thread from my sweater?

Yes, sir Mohair

And the lab said navy blue mohair

And I remembered that was the color of the sweater

that you were wearing the first day that I met you

The morning after she was murdered

But that's incredible

Yes, sir, I agree with you

But I've always had a good memory for colors

Bravo, Lieutenant Even I didn't remember that

Didn't you, sir?

My goodness, that's funny

You see, because one of the reasons

that I remembered the sweater

was because you got hooked on it that day

Following our discussion, sir

Supposing Lucerne was right before

when he got the idea that Ward Fowler was our man

Supposing Ward Fowler had planted that thread on the gun himself

I don't quite follow you

Well, sir, supposing you

I mean, supposing Lieutenant Lucerne was right,

and Claire Daley was blackmailing you

like in the TV show

Lieutenant, I thought we agreed that I had what you called

an ironclad alibi?

Ain'tight, sir, that's what we actually say

Yes, sir, but you know as well as I do

that you could have rigged that alibi

It was very brave of you, sir,

to show me the videotape machine

You certainly like to take a chance

And I always wondered, of course,

how two drinks could have given Mark such a hangover

I figured it was phenobarbital

And then he would be out

And you'd be able to tape the game,

and go over to Tony's, and kill Claire, and get home,

and then wake up Mark

And he would be disoriented and groggy

and guilty about drinking

And when you saw the ballgame on TV,

and it looked just about the same as it did when he passed out,

he'd be glad to assume he'd only been out for a minute or two

instead of the hour and a half that had actually passed

And you changed his watch, didn't you?

And then you changed it back to the right time after he was asleep

That was a mistake, sir

You shouldn't have set it to the correct time

because Mark always keeps his watch five minutes fast

I wondered about that

A thousand dollar watch just doesn't lose five minutes overnight

Is that it?

No, sir There's also the height of the criminal

He's about my height

And your height

without the platform shoes

And there's one other thing, sir

You're a crack shot

Endlessly fascinating, Lieutenant

But as Lieutenant Lucerne would say,

"Where there is no proof, there is no criminal"

Fascinating, notwithstanding

But I think, sir, I have the proof

Here

What proof?

WARD: Lieutenant, there are no fingerprints on that gun

You said so yourself this morning

This has been a rather silly demonstration, Lieutenant

Well, you're absolutely right again, sir

The killer cleaned the gun of all incriminating prints

But the thing is, he forgot something

Forgot what?

Well, sir, you know that this gun was only used as a prop

So, of course, it was never filled with anything but blanks

That is, until you stole it, sir

And in order to kill Mrs Daley,

you had to remove the blanks and insert real bullets

There were no prints on the gun

because you wiped the gun clean, sir

But there is a reason that the lab report took so long

You remembered to clean the gun

But you didn't remember to do the same thing with the bullets

Damn!

I had to forget something

That's always how the third act ends

You see, I've had no rehearsal as a murderer

I'm, after all, a detective

Yes, sir, but

you did kill Claire Daley, didn't you, sir?

She was a blackmailer

And I killed her

And up to now, I'm glad I killed her

And I believe that in this killing

the murderer has the sympathetic part

Does that satisfy you?

Yes, sir That satisfies me

Lieutenant, you would do me an enormous favor

if you stopped calling me sir

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