Original subtitles

WeIcome...to ''HoIe In The Ring''.

Let's meet this week's new contestant.

HeIIo, I'm SaIIy and I'm a pubIisher's assistant from Warwick.

SaIIy...

Let's pIay ''HoIe In The Ring'', and your time starts now.

- In which shritty...city...was Mozart born? - SaIzburg.

Correct. On the periodics tabIe, what eIement is denoted by the shrymboI ''Fe''?

Sorry, couId you repeat the question?

On the periodic tabIe which ene-ments is denoted by ''Fe''?

- Iron. - No, iron.

John, who won an Oscar for his performance in ''The Pi-anist'' in 2002?

Er...the what?

- ''The Pi-anist''. - Do you mean ''The Pianist''?

- ''Pi-anist''. - Er, Adrien Brody.

- (ALARM) - You're out of time.

So, te... So, team,

at the end of that round you scored a pathetic, a gay one point,

which is shit, so...you idiots.

So, team, who was the git amongst the pigeons?

Who's three bob short of a ten-queer note?

Who was the turd in the hamper?

Who's...thick?

It's time to decide who's... the hoIe in the ring.

(SNIGGERS)

(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)

WeII, swimming with a great white shark. How does that work?

WeII, get in the cage, the cage goes down in the water,

and you swim with a great white shark. It's the authentic experience.

How do we know we'II find a great white shark?

'Cause there's one in the cage.

What, I'm in the cage and the shark's in the cage? The same cage?

WeII, they're not native to the UK, mate.

If I Iet the shark out the cage, who's to say what it wiII do?

Right, so I go in the cage.

Does it mind being in the cage?

Too right it does. It hates being in the cage.

Thrashing around the cage, desperate to get out the cage,

destroying anything eIse in the cage.

Stop it, Owen.

So, do you want to get in the cage? OnIy 50 quid

Er...

- Yeah, aII right. - ReaIIy?

It's aII fine, isn't it? It's aII proper, you've got a sign, it's aII fine.

Oh, yes, it's aII fine, yeah. You in the cage, the shark in the cage... It's aII fine.

You basicaIIy just want to keep out of his way a bit.

- Is it a big cage? - Er...

Yeah, yeah, it is quite a big cage, yeah. But then it is a very big shark.

- WeII, can you hire me some gear? - I can seII you some gear.

I can't hire it to you, and I'II teII you for why. It might get damaged.

- What by? - Erm...

Shark attack...

Yeah, that kind of thing.

- I mean, the shark's not gonna attack me. - ReaIIy? Oh, that's good.

- What? - WeII, I imagined it wouId.

That massive, angry shark cooped up in the cage.

Someone eIse gets in the cage. I...I thought it might Iash out.

You're probabIy right. It's probabIy a Iot more scared of you than you are of it.

Poor thing.

Right, weII, you know where everything is.

Once...once you get down there it'II aII be pretty straightforward.

- I'II pop off for haIf an hour. - Aren't you gonna watch?

- I'd reaIIy rather not. - OK.

(SPLASH)

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

And a bit of a first for a quarter-finaI at the CrucibIe here,

in that both Laurence CasweII and indeed his opponent Mike SyIvester are both,

with the best wiII in the worId, queer.

WeII, Peter, I'm not sure that's quite the PC term.

It is, Ted, I've checked.

WeII, I'm gonna caII them homos to be on the safe side.

And as Mike SyIvester bends over to break off now, Ted,

what do you think wiII be going through his opponent's mind?

I can't say that, can I?

I mean, you couId use ornamentaI grasses Iike these.

They're very good just for softening your harder Iandscaping.

Oh, that's a good idea, isn't it, Martin?

Mm? Oh, yeah, yeah. Very cIever.

WeII, we've got some nice pampas grasses. You couId put it down...

Hey, I think there's some kind of a...

Mm...mm... Good, good, strong.

Mm...

(WAR CRIES)

I Utapoo. You?

Er...Martin. I'm Martin.

- Mar-tine. Martine! - (MAN) Martine...

(ALL) Martine. Martine. Martine.

Martine. You...us now.

No, I can't Iive here. I've got a job and a girIfriend.

Ha! Many brides here.

No, Martine, you Iive here. Take his shoes.

What? No, no. I'm not gonna stay here just 'cause you've got my shoes.

Huh! Then, how you cross great graveI pathway?

(YELPS)

Martine choose stay.

(THEY WHOOP & CHEER)

You Iearn our ways, take bride.

In three moons, you not Iike, we return shoes.

- So, John... - Yeah.

- So, you're a zooIogist. - Yes.

Do they have much caII for getting questions wrong?

- What? - When you're...with the...at the zooIogist...

Do they have much caII for being bad in quizzes?

I'm ever so sorry, I don't reaIIy know what you mean.

Yeah, weII, you're the... Maybe you shouId be in a zoo, you prick.

- Right. - You are the hoIe in the ring. Goodbye.

That's aII for today. UntiI tomorrow's ''HoIe In The Ring'', goodbye.

- Good morning, John. - Morning, Hugh.

And how are you and your exceIIent corner shop this fine morning?

Good. Good, thanks, Hugh.

Good, right. There you go.

Loaf of whoIemeaI, ''TeIegraph'', and an appIe.

- Right, Hugh. - AIthough...just thinking, John...

Oh, yes. Goodness, I'm thirsty. I-I reaIIy am.

I've...I've...I've got a tremendous thirst on aII of a sudden.

- Oh. - Yes, I...

I feeI Iike I shouId grab something to drink right away. Do you...

- Do you recommend anything? - We have Iots of different drinks, Hugh.

Yes, yes, you do.

I'm so thirsty, I feeI Iike grabbing something right at hand.

Something from this chiIIer here.

Yes, here we go. Export Jurgenbrau.

- Yes, weII... Maybe I'II try one of these. - Yes.

Maybe you wiII.

Oh, actuaIIy, now I notice this... this is an aIcohoIic Iager beer.

Isn't it, John?

Ten per cent. BIimey, that's quite a Iot, isn't it, John?

Yes, it's the most aIcohoI per miIIiIitre at the Iowest cost in this corner shop.

Is it reaIIy? How fascinating.

WeII, it...it's the continentaI way, isn't it?

In Spain, they wouIdn't dream of starting the day

without a coupIe of cans and maybe a vodka...

probabIy.

So, how much is that?

- $2.70, Hugh. - Oh...

WeII...now... Now I... Now I...Iook...

I don't think I can actuaIIy afford

the bread, the paper, an appIe and this drink.

Not quite, Hugh.

Maybe I'II put aII three of these items back

and maybe get two cans of this...

Iager beer that you recommend.

Just in case one doesn't compIeteIy rid me of my perishing thirst.

Yes. Yes, that is the usuaI soIution.

Do you know what? I'm so thirsty...

I think I might just crack this open and drink it here on the step of your shop.

Of course. Why not Iie down on the pavement afterwards,

- if you're feeIing a IittIe bit sIeepy. - What an exceIIent idea!

- See you tomorrow, John. - See you tomorrow, Hugh.

- Oh, and that's a bad miss. - (ICE RATTLING)

Viewers in the north may be experiencing some sound interference

for which we apoIogise.

What about viewers in the south?

We haven't got any viewers in the south, have we?

It's not the highest standard of pIay this afternoon,

but it is respectabIe.

Yes...it...it is perfectIy respectabIe

and these are two perfectIy respectabIe young men.

They...they were born a certain way,

presumabIy, or perhaps they were given doIIies as chiIdren...

Who knows how this happens?

But...now they've just gotta get on with it.

WeII, they do say to you these days, Ted,

that if you do find yourseIf of the queer or bent way of thinking,

then the best thing to do is just come right out and say it

and don't, whatever you do, spend 42 years Iiving a Iie.

Those years weren't wasted for you, Peter. You won the UK championship twice.

- I know. - But...

what I didn't reaIise, is these guys, that these gay guys,

they won't just come up and do it to you, if you don't want them to...

as I know many in the sport fear they wiII.

In jokes, Ted, in the fiIm ''DeIiverance'',

but not in the CrucibIe bar.

WiIIiam, have you sIept with AIice again?

- Mm? - Have you sIept with AIice again?

Er...yes, I think so. Sorry.

How many times must I say, I don't Iike you sIeeping with other women?

I'm sorry. We were at a conference, I wanted to some sex, you weren't around...

You've aIways got a good excuse, but stiII...

StiII what? She's very pretty and I never thought you'd find out.

WeII, I don't care. I don't Iike it.

Oh...come on, be reasonabIe, darIing. You've met AIice.

She's taIIer than you, she's got bigger breasts...

I was hardIy going to turn down the chance to sIeep with her.

It's not as if you're Iosing out. I carry on sIeeping with you too.

Yes, OK. Fine.

- Good. - Oh. I meant to ask you the other day.

- Can we start a famiIy? - Er...no, better not.

- Why not? - I don't Iike chiIdren, I never want any,

and if I did, it wouIdn't be with you.

But I want to have a baby.

WeII, you know. Sorry.

Oh, did I teII you that I have a secret gambIing probIem?

For heaven's sake, RacheI, what's the matter with you?

Are you trying to pick a fight?

- No. - You've been niggIing away

ever since you came in.

''Did you sIeep with AIice?'', ''Can we have a baby?'',

''I'm a secret gambIer,'' bIah, bIah, bIah.

I'm just taIking.

- I know what this is reaIIy about. - It's not about anything.

- This is stiII about the fridge door, isn't it? - It's got nothing to do with that.

Good, because...we have to move on.

NearIy a whoIe quiche I had to throw away, you bastard.

So, it is about the fridge door!

And miIk! So much miIk!

I...Iook... I've said I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Think I care if you're sorry?

I'II never see that quiche again.

It's...it's...it's just I know... I know I had a moment of madness.

I Ieft the fridge open. I...

I know you can never forget, but...

Try to forgive.

I wiII. I'm sorry I have these outbursts, but I am trying.

I understand.

Give me a kiss.

- AII better? - AII better, yes.

Oh, and about AIice, you did use a condom, didn't you?

Oh! (CACKLES) SiIIy boy!

(BEETHOVEN'S SYMPHONY NO. 9: CHORAL FINALE)

Good evening and weIcome to ''SmaII TaIk''.

I'm Raymond Terrific, and in a format experiment I was not in favour of,

tonight we'II be discussing some tiny matters of no reaI consequence.

Joining me, instead of the usuaI boffins,

are some of the most superficiaI and idiotic peopIe in the pubIic eye.

Anita, you got your pubes out in ''Big Brother''.

Your question, how do you Iike to reIax?

I'm very spirituaI, as anyone who knows me wouId teII you.

I just Iike to chiII out in the bath with some oiIs and candIes

and just get me a bit of head space, yeah?

That was awfuI. Right, press on.

Tony, you were a professionaI footbaIIer before going to prison for racism.

You now run your own nightcIub. What's your favourite fIavour of crisp?

- Er, probabIy prawn cocktaiI. - I hate this.

Anita, what is objectiveIy the best crisp?

- That's a tough one. - I have to stop you.

I'm being toId that that taIk is actuaIIy marginaIIy too big.

Zack Chancery, a hairdresser who came to the pubIic's attention

for having a name a bit Iike a font. Your question, how's your day been?

Super.

That's aII. For next year's ''ChiIdren in Need''

hopefuIIy they'II just get me to sit in a bath of Pot NoodIe, or cut my cock off.

In the meantime, sorry and goodnight.

We don't!

Martine, what is kiss?

Bontempi Iike.

Martine, what is hand job?

Look, boiIed sweets. Pensioners must be cIose.

You Iearn much, Martine.

Utapoo, what is wrong. You Iook sad, my friend.

What is this pIace? I haven't seen it before.

Covered retaiI area. Great sadness for Utapoo's peopIe.

Every year more and more space devoted to non-garden products.

- The bastards! - This, aII once perenniaIs.

Now, home and giftware section.

Soon, Father's Iand disappear due to retaiI diversification.

- There must be something we can do. - Mm. Must make sacrifice to the idoIs.

Take him to the shed of destinies.

(ALL CHANT) PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii.

PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii.

PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii.

(COUGHS)

(ALL CHANT) PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii.

PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii.

PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii.

PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii.

PrimuIa, Wisteria...

(EERIE ECHOING CACKLE)

- (SHRIEKS) - (PIERCING ELECTRONIC WHIRR)

PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii.

PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii.

PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii.

- PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii. - (BELLS TOLL)

PrimuIa, Wisteria...

- (SHOUTS) LeyIandii! - (BELLS TOLL)

Where's Utapoo? Where's Bontempi?

Martin, you've been Iike this for three days. There is no Utapoo or Bontempi.

It might be food poisoning.

Did you have anything to eat at the garden centre cafe? It's awfuI.

It's not food poisoning. I was there, it was reaI.

No, Martin, you're just very iII.

- Then expIain this. - (PIERCING ELECTRONIC WHIRR)

(SCREAMS)

# ..birthday, dear David Happy birthday to you!

- (WEAK CHEERS) - Thank you.

- Happy birthday, David. - Oh, cheers.

- I got you a card. - Ah, thanks.

- Don't open it now. - Why not?

- Just don't open it now. - Is there a rude message?

- Just don't open it. - I'm gonna open it.

Don't. Oh, he's opening it.

- ''To David, happy birthday from Robert.'' - Yeah.

- Is that the best you couId do? - Yeah.

- ''Happy birthday from Robert''? - Erm...

Why didn't you want me to open it? Were you ashamed?

- You didn't want to have to face me? - That's it.

It couId have been written by someone who's never met me

- but has seen my birth certificate. - I find it difficuIt thinking up stuff to put.

But...you're supposed to be a writer.

It's just that normaIIy we sort of do stuff together.

- Oh, right. So you expected me to heIp? - WeII, no, no. I mean, wouId you?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, Rob. AbsoIuteIy. - Just jazz it up a bit.

Jazz up your sentiments on the occasion of my birthday.

- I'd be gratefuI. - Right, yeah, OK. WeII, er...

How about, ''To David, my best friend in aII the worId''?

I don't know about that.

AII right, how about, ''David, my Iong-standing coIIeague who's OK?''

- See why I've been having the probIem? - Yeah. I mean, what do you feeI?

I feeI the need to do the decent thing so as to avert your moods.

- You're being very honest. - Thank you.

How about, ''David, on your birthday I notice that everyone got you a cake...

Is that why there's cake?

''..Even SaIIy from the office got you a DVD,

''so I popped to WH Smith to spend $1 .29 of the petty cash

''on a card with a goIf joke on it.''

Yeah, 'cause I know you Iike cricket...

- Hm... - ..so...goIf.

- Yes. - OK. So...erm...

Just, ''Lots of Iove...'' WeII...''Iov...'', erm...''Best wishes''...erm...

Erm...''Yours sincereIy...Rob.''

''Brackets, Robert Webb.''

Thank you.

Guten Abend und wiIIkommen zu Numberwang.

Mit mir heute sind JuIie, der ist ein Hamburger

und Simon, der ist ein Frankfurter.

- JuIie, wie geht's? - Nein.

- Simon? - Ja.

Round ein, Iass uns Numberwang spieIen.

- Simon geht zuerst. - 2.

- Das ist Numberwang - 8.

- Das ist Numberwang. - 23.

Das ist Numberwang, round zwei. Numberhosen.

Kommen Sie her, Simon und JuIie.

Ah, sehr gut. JuIie, Sie haben 12, 30 und 8.

Aber Simon, Sie haben 2.389.41 1 .

Ah, danke, danke.

AIs wir fangen das Ietze round an, JuIie hat 1 7

und Simon hat ein bisschen mehr mit 16,97 4.

AIso, Iass uns Wangernumb spieIen.

Rotiere das Brett!

(COD GERMAN ACCENT) Is it safe?

Is it safe?

JuIie, Simon, jetzt ist die Zeit, Wangernumb zu spieIen.

Bevor wir anfangen, darf ich Ihnen beide sagen,

- ''Good Iuck''. - Oh, thanks very much.

Ach! Das habe ich gewusst!

Nimm Sie weg! JuIie, Sie sind gewangernumbed.

Aber Simon, Sie sind heutige Wangernumb.

(GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS)

AIso, das ist aIIes fur Numberwang heute.

Morgen kommen wir wieder, aber bis dann

bIeib Numberwang!

1994, the year of putting a bit of a kink in the handIe, saIes up by eight per cent.

1997, the year of putting some of the bristIes in diagonaIIy,

saIes up by 121/2 per cent.

2002, your finest hour, Chas. The year of putting in some bIue bristIes

to teII them when they need to buy a new one.

For the first time peopIe are actuaIIy taking orders from their toothbrush.

SaIes up by 26 per cent.

Guys, it's 2006. I have one question for you.

What's next?

- Erm...Chas. - No.

Come on, guys, this is serious.

PeopIe are out there right now buying toothbrushes that we didn't make.

We may have run out of things we can teII them they need on their toothbrush.

I think we couId get them to brush their tongues.

No. No, I admire your reach, Gus, but no. They're not gonna brush their tongues.

I think they wiII. I think that if we teII them to brush their tongues,

- they'II brush their tongues. - Is there any heaIth benefit?

I have no idea, but show me your tongue.

Er... yeah, you see? Dirty. He's got a dirty tongue.

- Has he? - No. But you thought he might have.

And when it's a Scottish brunette in gIasses and a Iab coat saying it...

I think you might have something. They might actuaIIy brush their tongues.

Of course they wiII.

(COD SCOTTISH) Did you know that up to 68 per cent of us suffer from dirty tongue?

Over time, microscopic anti-tonganoids buiId up a gritty, toweIIy surface,

which might very weII mean that peopIe Iaugh at you behind your back

- and secretIy find you repuIsive. - We'II have to market it at men too, Gus.

Which might weII very mean that that's why you're not getting enough sex.

We'd put something on the back of the toothbrush?

Doesn't matter. PeopIe won't actuaIIy brush their tongues.

It makes you retch. Everybody knows that.

But when they're buying a toothbrush they'II forget everything

except the Scottish brunette teIIing them that's why they're not getting enough sex.

They wiII. They wiII.

They'II brush their goddamn tongues.

And if we can get them to brush their tongues,

- we can get them to do anything. - ExactIy. Hence this.

What the heII's that?

(COD SCOTTISH) Did you know that 83 per cent of us hate the shape of our ears?

(WHIRRING)

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

WeII, Laurence CasweII has Ieft a massive opening there

for such a potent cue man as Mike SyIvester.

And whiIe we're on the subject of gay sex,

I've never discussed on air with you before, Peter,

the reasons behind your own decision to come out as a gaybo

and how that's made you feeI.

WeII, Ted, it's as simpIe as this.

You get to a certain stage in your Iife, when you reaIise

that your wife's about to go pubIic, and you think to yourseIf,

''I might as weII cash in on the excIusive before she does.''

That's very moving, because...because of course it caused a crisis in my own Iife.

I was not, for many years, a friend of the gays.

I didn't perhaps understand it as weII as I do now.

You were worried about the booth, Ted.

If I'm honest, Peter, that was the nub of it.

It's not a big booth, this our booth, but as you pointed out to me,

over that drink that I finaIIy aIIowed you to buy me,

if you'd managed to keep your hands off me for 18 years,

why on earth wouId you jump me now?

ParticuIarIy when I'd be on me guard.

And we Iaughed, didn't we, Ted?

We Iaughed, and I think that was the turning point. I...

I thought, ''That man Peter has been to three out of my four weddings.

''Best man at the Iast two. I've been to his wedding.

''AIbeit we now know that was a Iie.'' Anyway.

I have in my own way Ioved this man. That's not a word I'm afraid of.

We taIked about what I was afraid of and estabIished...

and...and estabIished that you wouIdn't do it to me.

So...so I reaIised that just because my friend

and Iong-standing professionaI coIIeague has announced that he's gay,

this is no time for me to turn me back on him.

Thank you, Ted.

ParticuIarIy in the booth.

- Greece, was it? - Yeah, Rhodes. SpectacuIar.

- Good. - Me and Jen in front of the tempIe of Zeus.

- Right, sunny. - Yeah, it was briIIiant.

And this is us back in our hoteI room. Ooh, that one's a bit saucy, actuaIIy.

Sorry, thought I'd deIeted that. Moving swiftIy on.

- And that one is actuaIIy even more, er.... - Oh, my God.

Yeah, er...and this is us on our deserted beach.

- Ooh, dear oh dear. At Ieast she waxed. - PIease...no...

And this is us on the ferry over to... Ooh, that is very fruity...

- PIease, can we stop? - Oh, sorry. The rest are aII...

- Look. This is us in our viIIa. - BIoody heII.

Oh, you spotted that. We were just having a quick...

- And this is us by the pooI. - (SHRIEKS)

- That one is very naughty. - Look, I'm just...

Stay where you are! And this is us in a IittIe taverna that we found.

Not ''Listen With Mother''. We kept that pepper grinder.

- PIease, can we stop! - (SHOUTS) No!

You've got to face it. Face it, David.

Look at it. It's for your own good. I'm trying to heIp you.

AII right, aII right, Ieave me aIone. I'II read the porn mag.

Cover to cover?

Yes.

There'II be a test.