Original subtitles

(SHOUTS) I'm not interested in Ieagues, Terry, just resuIts.

It's not my baIIs on the Iine here.

Either your grass taIks, or you'II be directing traffic by the end of the week.

Sorry, Terry, I just reaIised I was incredibIy rude to you just then.

I'm reaIIy sorry.

It must be the stress or something but that's no excuse.

I know you're doing your best mate. Just ignore me.

Yeah, cheers. Bye.

(SHOUTS) What do I have to do to get a coffee round here?

(SNIGGERS)

(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)

That area over there wouId be a IoveIy pIace for a kitchen.

Oh, yes.

It's a wonderfuI space.

I was just wondering, is there a probIem with damp here?

I was wondering if you'd ask about that.

There is a Iot of moisture, but it's not actuaIIy a damp probIem.

It's actuaIIy water which the current owners deIiberateIy keep here.

- It's deIiberate water. - Yeah.

There's no reason you have to have water.

You can have any Iiquid, you know. Gravy,

acid or you couId even have it with no Iiquid at aII.

- Oh, dry? - LiteraIIy dry, yeah.

Oh, that's good 'cause where we Iive now is dry so...

- So that's what you're used to, fine. - And is this it, or are there other IeveIs?

That's interesting actuaIIy, because it's spIit IeveI,

but the fIoor IeveI actuaIIy descends towards this end of the property

and the moisture is even more pronounced here.

- Oh, oh, that's good, yeah. - (WHISTLE IS BLOWN)

- Get out the pooI, you bIoody idiot. - Shit, it's the current owners.

Quick! Somebody put in an offer.

Oh, oh.

Tough one, but I think we won them over.

Listen, AIan, I've got something I want to teII you, er...

I want to Ieave the act.

I don't want to be in Fish and Chip anymore.

What are you taIking about?

We've been together 15 years, Barry.

We're Fish and Chip, we can't just throw that away...

- Yesterday's fish and chips. - That's not funny, Barry.

Look, the truth is I've been taIking to Roger Pin...

Roger Pin, from Pin and Cushion?

He and John Cushion haven't been getting on very weII

for a coupIe of years now and there's no easy way of saying this

but...me and Roger Pin we want to form our own act.

What, Pin and Chip?

- Chip and Pin. - What the heII's that? That's not a thing.

- It is. - What is it, then?

It's a new way of making credit and debit card transactions more secure

- and it's going to be massive. - More massive than Fish and Chips?

Fish and chips are on the way out.

They're high in choIesteroI, there are associations with obese peopIe.

No, Chip and Pin, that's the future.

This is too big an opportunity for me to pass up.

You've got to Iet me go for this, AIan.

WeII, I wish you aII the best, Barry, I reaIIy do.

I must say, I think you're making a big mistake.

It's just your arm, AIan.

We've both aIways known,

it's just your arm.

WeII, done it, Roger.

How'd he take it?

As weII as couId be expected. Yours?

First time I've ever seen John Cushion cry.

I just hope we're doing the right thing.

I know we are. This is our big chance.

It's time for Chip and Pin.

(CHlP) Little did we know, that was the beginning

of an amazingly successful double act.

(COMPERE) Ladies and gentlemen, Fish and Cushion.

(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES)

(PIN) Fish and Cushion?

It just doesn't make any sense to me.

(CHlP) And of course he was right. l mean, Fish and Cushion.

What does that mean?

But you can't argue with a four-month sell-out run.

(PlN) The hardest moment to deal with was when Fish and Cushion

were selected above us to be the faces of the TV campaign

launching Chip and PlN.

That, l have to admit, was the one job that Barry and l were pretty sure

that we, Chip and Pin, would get.

- Life's tough without Chip and Pin, isn't it? - It sure is.

(MAN) Don't worry, lads, Chip and PlN is coming this February.

We've scored a bit of an own goaI, reaIIy.

Yeah.

Can you find it in your heart to bIame them?

Not reaIIy.

Give it another ten years...

..and we'II buy a gun.

It's great the way churches have become more incIusive

- and open-minded these days. - Yeah, I'm sure.

I just don't think I'm reaIIy reIigious.

They're happy just to taIk about stuff and it's a great pIace to make friends.

- Can I heIp you? - Hi, we're new to the area.

We've bought three of the aImshouses.

We thought we'd just say hi.

Who the heII did you think you were going to say hi to,

the Lord your God?

'Cause I'm not sure you've Iived Iives worthy of his attention.

- Er... - Ha, erm...

Yeah, we're not particuIarIy reIigious.

We'd say we were spirituaI peopIe. We're interested to find out more.

''Not particuIarIy reIigious'', ''interested'', ''spirituaI''.

Are you testing me, Satan?

What happened to the friendIy Iady vicar I met Iast week?

She's gone, chiId, they've aII gone. Banished by the Bishop.

I know where they're going eventuaIIy. In the meantime, Daventry, and we're back.

- Who? - The incredibIy horribIe and twisted peopIe

who are stiII unaccountabIy vicars.

- Maybe we shouId... - I saw you in here Iast week.

I saw you reading the notices and taIking about your views

and eating other peopIe's biscuits.

We were aII watching you from the vestry

and we aII thought you were a bitch.

Look, steady on. I mean, my wife's entitIed to her views.

Oh, isn't she just. Aren't you aII entitIed to your haIf-arsed musings on the divine.

You've thought about eternity for 25 minutes

and think you've come to some interesting concIusions.

WeII, Iet me teII you, I stand with 2,000 years of darkness

and baffIement and hunger behind me.

My kind have harvested the souIs of a miIIion peasants

and I couIdn't give a ha'penny jiz for your Internet-assembIed phiIosophy.

- SaIIy... - We have a right to be here.

- This is a pIace of peace. - Oh, pIease. That's a very recent idea

- and not one that's going to catch on. - I'm certainIy n...

Be gone! Be gone to your Satanic aImshouse conversion.

Leave here damn, sinning, dog of a whore.

Oh, at Ieast Ieave a quid for the upkeep!

Come on, pour us one. They're breaking off.

I think I might have overdone it with the yeast.

Cheers!

(MOANING AND GROANING)

(SPLUTTERING)

(IN HOARSE VOICE) Oh, and that's a bad miss.

And you can see the frustration on Terry McCarthy's face

as he returns to his seat.

Not a Iook to be taken IightIy,

especiaIIy at around two in the morning on the streets of Derby,

if the media's to be beIieved.

WeII, Terry is no stranger to adversity, particuIarIy in the form of the poIice,

and he has spoken pubIicIy in very moving terms

about that guy he cut.

I think he was right to put an end to the specuIation

and it does sound to me Iike that guy he cut

was basicaIIy asking for it.

Which is not to condone Terry's actions.

Terry's Iightning-fast reactions.

It's not to condone it in any way when we say it was that other guy's fauIt.

CertainIy in the eyes of snooker,

if not as it transpired those of so-caIIed British justice.

I think the thing to remember here, Ted, is that both men invoIved are sorry.

Terry has said pubIicIy that he's sorry and that other guy,

weII, he's bound to be sorry, isn't he? Every time he Iooks in the mirror.

(APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS)

HeIIo and weIcome to ''Numberwang'',

and today is a very exciting edition

because it's our nine thousand three hundred and forty first programme.

- (APPLAUSE) - Oh!

WeII, joining me to pIay this very speciaI game of Numberwang

are two brand-new contestants, JuIie from Durham

and Simon who is from space.

WeII, Iet's get on. It's time for round one. Let's pIay Numberwang.

- JuIie to go first. - 9.

-1 4. - That's Numberwang.

And before we move on to round two, a quick word from GiIes Brandreth,

who's with us aII week in number corner.

So, GiIes, any funny number stories for us?

Yes, once I ate 18 cakes.

More from GiIes Iater. And GiIes' story is particuIarIy apt for our next round.

It's time for Numberscoff.

In front of you edibIe numbers.

JuIie, as the winner of the Iast round, you go Iast so it's Simon to pIay first.

- 6. - That's Numberwang, scoff a number.

- JuIie? - 1 7.

- That's Numberwang. - (MUFFLED) 37.7.

- That's Numberwang. - (MUFFLED) 50.

- That's Numberwang, tuck in. - (SIMON BURPS)

- (SIREN WHOOPS) - BeIchwang,

which means doubIe number points.

And neither of you have eaten a number 4, so bad Iuck.

Just time for a quick word from GiIes.

Oh, oh, 3.

PriceIess. Let's Iook at the scores. And it's absoIuteIy neck and neck,

because both of our contestants are on 48, apart from JuIie who's on 12.

So, that couId aII change in the finaI round. It's time for Wangernumb.

Let's rotate the board.

Let's pIay Wangernumb, Simon?

6.

- 2. - 6.

- 71 . - 6.

- 1 4. - 6.

8,709.324.

I was miIes away. Erm...

I think Simon got Wangernumb ages ago. Did you say 6?

- Yes. - That's Wangernumb!

JuIie, you have been Wangernumbed,

but Simon, thou art Lord Simon of Numberwang.

That's aII from Numberwang today. A Iast word from GiIes...

Numberwank.

- It's Numberwang. - Fuck.

Ohh, priceIess. WeII, untiI next time from aII of us here...

(ALL) Good Numberwang.

So get your bIoody act together or you're history. Get out.

HeIIo, AIan.

- How do you know my name? - I've seen them picking on you.

It's not fair, but aII that's about to change.

I've got something very speciaI for you.

Oh, reaIIy?

Point this at someone and bIow into it

and it wiII reveaI an embarrassing truth,

a truth they'II be unabIe to deny.

What are you doing here? Get back to your desk.

(SINGS THROUGH CLARINET) # You wet the bed untiI you were 12...

# I wet the bed the bed untiI I was 12 UntiI I was 12, untiI I was 12

# I wet the bed untiI I was 12 I had wet Iegs in the morning #

- (HOWLING WIND) - Use it wiseIy, AIan, for it has great power.

- Excuse me, I was here first. - I don't think so.

(SINGS THROUGH CLARINET) # You secretIy harbour racist views...

# I secretIy harbour racist views, Racist views, racist views, racist views

# I secretIy harbour racist views, I don't think Asians drive weII #

That's 25.40.

- Did you say you'd pay for mine? - What do you mean?

It wouId be my pIeasure.

That's 20, 2, 4...

- So that's a fuII 20 per cent. - And a company car.

I can't...

Fine, I'II sort that out.

I'm sorry, sir, we are fuIIy booked.

Huh, right this way, sir.

(DOOR BELL CHIMES)

I warned you, I toId you to be carefuI but you have abused the green cIarinet.

Now you must pay the price, you must give back the green cIarinet.

- No way. - Then I shaII take it from you.

Ouch! You can't do that! I'm the green cIarinet man.

# You think you're magic But Iook Iike a twat, Iook Iike a twat...

# I think I'm magic but I Iook Iike a twat My mum has made my costume

# You scratch your arse and sniff your hand, sniff your hand...

# I scratch my arse and sniff my hand I find the smeII erotic

# You're not aIIowed near IocaI schooIs Near IocaI schooIs, near IocaI schooIs...

# I'm not aIIowed near IocaI schooIs The probation service tagged me #

Ooh!

- Today I think I'II have a free meaI. - I think not, sir.

Hm, but you forget I have a green cIarinet that makes you teII embarrassing truths.

Ah, yes,

but now I have a red tuba, which makes you shit yourseIf.

(BLOWS LONG NOTE)

''Thank you so much for the invitation to appear in your caIendar

''but sadIy Rob and I wiII be...''

Erm...what shaII I put next?

Er, whatever.

- Look, do you want to type for a bit? - What? I can't type. You know that.

- Look, I'm very tired, you type. - AII right.

Rob and I wiII be unabIe to take part in the photoshoot...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Rrrr-ooo-bbb...

- Erm... - What?

I'm quicker with my own name. What comes next? Oh, space.

Then... Come on, or this wiII take forever.

- You can do it faster than that. - No, I can't, David. I can't.

Oh, pick on the non-swimmer, shoot the wounded.

I'm typing as fast as I possibIy can.

Rob and I wiII be unabIe...

And!

''A'' space, ''N'' space, ''D'' space, shift ''I''...

Wh...? Why are you doing spaces between the Ietters?

Oh, I'II have to go back. DeIete, deIete... Weeeee. Oh, I've gone too far...

- Aaaah! - David, carefuI!

I nearIy dropped your computer then, mate.

I think you'd better have it back.

I'II pop back when you've re-typed the beginning bit.

''SadIy, I wiII be unabIe to appear in your caIendar,

''but Rob, an inveterate nudist, is very keen to take part.

''His suggested pose is on aII fours Iike a donkey

''whiIst being ridden by AIistair McGowan.''

Good evening. ApparentIy you can see me.

I can't see you but the scientists and engineers have assured me

that this is perfectIy usuaI, aIthough I must say I am a bit disconcerted.

This is the first of what we hope to be weekIy teIevision broadcasts

from us here in London to aII five of you with teIevision sets.

We had a discussion about which way I shouId Iook

and we aII agreed that appearing in profiIe is what Iooks most normaI.

I'm now going to hand you over to my coIIeague Mr StanIey Temp,

a quite briIIiant man, to continue with the broadcast.

It's me and may I say that who you were Iooking at before it was me

is aIso quite a devastating genius.

Excuse me, but I can't possibIy aIIow that to go unchaIIenged.

You feeI hot.

My coIIeague is far too kind to me.

I couIdn't possibIy be far too kind to such a briIIiant man.

He's briIIiant. Now, here at teIevision we're very keen to find out the properties

of this exciting new device. Does it work Iike a teIephone?

You can hear us, but can we hear you? So we're going to carry out an experiment.

When I say ''go'' I want you aII to shout ''heIIo there''. Go!

- (MUFFLED) HeIIo there. - Yes, I distinctIy got something!

WeII, that's very... Oh, I'm just being toId in my earpiece,

which you may be abIe to make out...

I'm just being toId in my earpiece

that apparentIy four of the five teIevision sets

currentIy in use are actuaIIy in our technicaI room next door

so we're not sure whether I was hearing you

through teIevision or just through a door.

Is there any way of finding out?

I'm just being toId through my earpiece that there isn't,

at Ieast I think I am,

I couId be hearing that through a door as weII.

Now we don't even know if the earpiece works.

This reaIIy is one step forward, two steps back.

My ear hurts.

If we're having Freddie, we've got to invite Daphne and VeIma as weII.

Oh yeah, those three are absoIuteIy priceIess,

especiaIIy when VeIma does her ''Iosing her gIasses'' routine.

Yeah, that kiIIs me. Why doesn't she get contacts?

Oh, I think it's a Iesbian thing.

Oh, I've just had a thought.

- What? - If we invite Freddie, Daphne and VeIma,

there's a chance they'II bring that other one.

Oh, God, the scrawny one, the one that doesn't wash, what's his name?

WeII, we don't know, I mean, he caIIs himseIf Shaggy

but I don't beIieve that's his name.

I think its some kind of hoIIow sexuaI boast.

I think it definiteIy is. He's desperateIy trying to present himseIf

as some sort of stud, despite being quite ugIy and incredibIy cowardIy.

The Iast time I saw him he was IiteraIIy shaking

and he spent most of the evening scampering up and down a Iong corridor.

WeII, that's certainIy no way to make peopIe have sex with you,

but maybe we're being harsh on him. I mean, he's so thin

and he's aIways shaking. He's probabIy in the throws of some gritty smack battIe.

- Let's ask him aIong. - Yeah, I mean, how much harm can he do?

- AIthough... - What?

WeII, there's a chance, just a smaII one, that he might bring his dog.

Oh, not his bIoody dog. He won't bring his dog.

- PeopIe don't bring their dogs to parties. - Shaggy does.

If anyone is gonna bring a dog to anything,

he is gonna bring his dog to this.

He treats that dog Iike it's a person, it's creepy.

That dog must have been mistreated in the past.

It's incredibIy nervous. You remember that HaIIowe'en party that Shaggy was at,

every time a new person came in dressed as a ghost or whatever

the dog wouId have an absoIute fit, make the most unnaturaI noises

and jump into Shaggy's arms.

I was convinced it was gonna shit everywhere.

WeII, that's not the worst of it.

Remember at Jodie's do,

you remember Jodie, her dad owns that disused fairground.

WeII, I was just popping to the kitchen for some more ice

and who shouId I find but Shaggy and his dog assembIing

the two taIIest sandwiches I have ever seen.

I know, they made one the Iast time they were here

but they had a freak out before they couId eat it.

I think it's crueI to make a dog eat that.

I teII you what, I think Shaggy must be very bitter.

He's obviousIy invested a Iot of time in teaching that dog to taIk

and it just can't. Maybe he thought he was gonna get on ''That's Life''

- but it's just not happened. - Which is a pity reaIIy

because of course the dog's nephew, aIso a dog,

a IittIe puppy, actuaIIy taIks very weII.

Oh, that's right, I've met that IittIe dog and it actuaIIy speaks very good EngIish.

It's aIso quite a Iot braver, if a IittIe impetuous.

It is a bit impetuous, yes, but I think you've got to forgive that of a taIking dog.

Yes, I think you do, I think you do.

- Is this seat free? - No.

- It's not? - No.

Right, OK.

- Who's sitting here, then? - No one.

- Oh, it's free. - Yeah, it's free.

Sorry, I thought you said it was taken.

I thought you were asking if it was taken, so I said no.

- Right. - What the heII you doing?

- Erm... - I'm joking, I'm joking.

BIoody heII, that was tough to watch. I think we've aII been there

but it couId have been so much worse.

- Sorry, is this seat taken? - No, I'm afraid not.

- Thanks. - Nooooooo!

That's our chair. That's for my friend Wendy.

She's got cystitis.

Ouch.

That's why we at the Committee to Combat SociaI Misunderstandings

are advising the government to introduce a biII standardising

seats appIication as foIIows.

Can everybody be quiet? I need siIence.

- (MUSIC AND CHATTER STOP) - I'm taking this chair.

- How do you feeI about that? - That's fine by me.

- Thank you. - We got through it.

PIease carry on with your evening.

(MUSIC AND CHATTER RESUME)

Everybody be quiet, I need siIence.

Ooh, here we go.

If we get our way, that's what's gonna be happening from now on.

Our other recommendation is that if you're staying at someone's house

and go to the Ioo in the night, you don't need to fIush

and risk waking them unIess it's a poo, in which case do fIush

but then shout, ''It was a poo, it was a poo.''

Thank you.

WeII, it's been very fine to see you, Great Aunt MarigoId.

- I'm having piIIs with this. - Good.

(MOANS)

- ReaIIy? - She's got a TV.

And I've been meaning to fix that broken teIevision for you, Auntie,

so we'II show ourseIves out. No, don't get up.

No, don't get up, I won't hear of it.

Don't get up or we'II be back.

Oi!

(SIR DIGBY HUMS ''DEVIL'S GALLOP'' BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)

(SlR DlGBY) ln a city gripped by fear on streets greased with blood,

who's to look out for the little guy, see if he's got any money?

Yes, it's the Surprising Adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.

CompIeteIy IifeIike.

Is that the point?

The story so far. l've successfully couriered the top secret machinery

to its rightful owners at the heart of government.

You must dine at my cIub sometime.

But now my thoughts inevitably turn to my trusty companion Ginger,

who is not so lucky at the hands of our pursuers.

- I'm pissing bIood again. - You stiII Iost the bIoody teIIy, didn't you?

I've got the remote, we can meIt the batteries down and drink it.

ExceIIent, we can borrow a Bunsen from my oId schooI.

- Let's not get eIectronicaIIy tagged again. - Nonsense!

(SIR DIGBY HUMS ''DEVIL'S GALLOP'' BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)

Having infiltrated my old school, how will my nemesis strike next?

Hoovering up all the gutter change with street sweepers?

More of those benches you can't lie flat on?

Find out next week in ''The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar''.

I think we've got the makings of crystaI meths here, sir.

It's gonna be an Easter weekend to remember.

I can bareIy taste it now.

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

But IuckiIy for Terry it has run safe

so Barry Drebin wiII now be attempting a safety shot.

- (SNOOKER BALLS CLICK) - Oh, my God, he's fIuked it.

Barry Drebin has fIuked a pot and he's as good as dead.

And isn't it nice to see Barry take time out to apoIogise

to his opponent for his good fortune?

It's a comprehensive apoIogy, Ted,

which is understandabIe when you Iook at Terry McCarthy

who has gone very stiII.

Barry continues to apoIogise

and is it just my fancy or is there the trace of a tear in his eye?

Compassion, perhaps, more IikeIy fear.

Yes, he's dropped his cue and he's on his knees,

and this is the kind of thing that can happen

when you have such wonderfuI characters in the game as Terry McCarthy.

He is a fantastic, coIourfuI, big-hearted, big-fisted credit to the sport.

Do you think there's too much wordy stuff?

- What, in the show? - Yeah.

- Don't worry. That'II aII get cut. - ReaIIy?

Yeah, I mean, it feeIs wordy to us but when peopIe watch

aII they'II remember is this bit next,

- the big chicken finaIe. - Yeah.

That's what peopIe Iike, isn't it? Dancing around, cIucking,

big poIystyrene eggs, jokes about Edwina Currie.

Yeah, spot on, mate. Yup, this is it coming up right now.

This is the BAFTA.

Yeah, aIthough, you don't think peopIe might...

That we might have to cut it because of...bird fIu?

- What? - WeII...

PeopIe might associate chickens with the threatened bird fIu epidemic,

'cause apparentIy you can catch that off chickens.

Oh, God.

And I think...I think a young Turkish chiId

actuaIIy died the other day, which is very sad.

(SHOUTS) Oh, for fuck's sake, fucking heII.

Why do these fucking things aIways happen to us?

Yeah. Fuck.