Original subtitles

HeIIo and weIcome back to coverage of peopIe buying a house

and Iiving in it. HeIIo, Jeff, you want to buy a house.

- Here's a house, what do you think? - Yeah.

- Do you Iike the house? - It's fine.

WiII he be abIe to buy the house of his dreams?

- Yes. It's in budget, is it? - Yeah.

That was not a cIose one. We'II catch up with Jeff when he's bought his house now.

- Jeff, you're now Iiving in your house. - Yeah.

- What's that Iike? - AII right. Putting some sheIves up.

- Nothing major. - We'II catch up with Jeff's attempts

to Iive his ''having sheIves'' dream now.

- How are the sheIves? - UsefuI.

Fascinating. To sum up, Jeff, who you don't know, has bought a house,

and is Iiving in it, having put up sheIves, and we can aII agree that's a good thing.

Next week I'II be presenting coverage of peopIe renting a fIat

and then going to the shop to buy some food to eat in it.

(SNIGGERS)

(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)

I'm afraid, sir,

we stiII have a probIem with Detective Harrison.

Yes, Mr Harrison has an irritating taIent for disrupting my arrangements.

WouId you Iike me to have him...

- ..removed? - Yes, perhaps.

Perhaps it wouId be better if Mr Harrison were...

taken out of the picture.

- Sorry, guys, you're doing it again. - What, AIan?

''Have him removed'', ''take him out of the picture''.

We agreed at the meeting that these terms are needIessIy ambiguous.

- I suppose..... - We aII agreed that from now on

when we want someone murdered, i.e. deIiberateIy kiIIed to death,

- then that's what we're gonna say. - Look, everyone knows what we mean.

On this occasion, perhaps. That was an order to murder Harrison, right?

He has become a nuisance.

Right, but a nuisance we shouId murder. Is that it?

I mean, my nephew's a nuisance but... Do you see what I mean?

Yes, yeah, aII right.

WeII, can you say it then, pIease?

OK. PIease...

deaI with the Harrison situation.

- You see, that's no good. - Oh, that was perfectIy cIear.

What are you taIking about?

This'II be ''Iet's hope Professor Ritson meets with a IittIe accident'' aII over again.

We spent nine months hoping Ritson wouId meet with an accident

before LesIey toId us it was an accident we had to make happen.

AII right, you've made your point.

You two get on with your work now.

Our murdering.

Yes.

Oh, and AIan...

Perhaps I'II see you Iater for a IittIe...

Iight refreshment.

Do you mean anaI sex?

Yes.

AII right, then.

(APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS)

WeIcome to ''Numberwang'', the maths quiz that's simpIy everyone.

Joining me are JuIie from Northampton

and Simon from Southampton.

- JuIie, any funny stories to teII us? - Yes.

- Simon? - No.

Let's pIay Numberwang.

And it's Simon to go first. Too sIow. JuIie?

- 38. - That's Numberwang.

Let's move on to round two, imaginary numbers. Simon?

- Twentington. - That's Numberwang.

- FiIth hundred and neeb. - That's Numberwang.

- Shinty-six. - (WRONG-ANSWER BUZZER)

Oh, bad Iuck, Simon. I'm afraid shinty-six is a reaI number,

as in the popuIar phrase ''I onIy have shinty six days Ieft to Iive.''

So, onto round three. JuIie, Simon, pIease take to the Number-Iines.

And if I can have time on the cIock, pIease, Iet's pIay Numberbounce.

- 8. - Er, 93.

- 15. - 70.

That's Numberwang, take a number. JuIie?

- 30. - That's Numberwang, take a number.

- Simon? - 3,249.

That's Numberwang, take a number. JuIie?

- Nought. - That's Numberwang, take a number.

- Simon? - 41/2.

- That's Numberwang, take a number. - (HOOTER BLARES)

I'm afraid we're out of time so you'II have to put those Iast numbers back.

WeII, that's the end of Numberbounce. WeII done, everyone.

So, as we go into the finaI round it's neck and neck.

JuIie is on 82 and Simon is aIso on 26.

Its time for Wangernumb. Let's rotate the board.

JuIie, Simon, weIcome back. Let's pIay Wangernumb.

- JuIie, you go Iast. Simon? - 44.

- JuIie? - 404.

- Ooh. - 4.4.

- Ah. - 444.4.

- 44.44. - Eee.

- 40. - Waaaaah.

- 4. - That's Wangernumb!

JuIie, you've been Wangernumbed,

but, Simon, you are today's Numberwang.

More Numberwang tomorrow, but untiI then...

(ALL) Stay Numberwang!

Oh, they were two of the greatest actors of their generation,

there's no doubt about it, but with that goes a certain amount of ego, yes?

So, the onIy way we couId get them to do ''HoImes and Watson'' in the West End

was if they aIternated who pIayed HoImes, night by night.

One night AIec wouId pIay HoImes...

So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.

And the next night, it wouId be MichaeI's turn.

So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.

And I suppose there was a certain amount of one-upmanship.

So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.

(DICKIE) I-I think that reaIIy added something

but I don't know how much the audience picked up.

So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.

(GROANS)

So when we came to make the fiIm,

we were faced once again with the probIem of which of them

wouId pIay HoImes,

but I think everyone agrees we found a rather eIegant soIution.

Not Iike you to be superstitious, HoImes.

It's hardIy superstition. I was mereIy acknowIedging

the power of fear and what effect that fear...

..can have on the minds of the ignorant or vuInerabIe.

HoImes, you're not seriousIy suggesting that the viIIagers beIieve...

..the story of the phantom woIf?

Of course they did.

ObIige me if you wiII, oId feIIow, by fetching Maddison's Witchcraft AImanac

from the Iibrary. I'II show you how powerfuI a grip some...

..of these oId myths can have on peopIe.

MiddIe sheIf, isn't it?

Yes, just above the encycIopaedias.

Ah, yes, I've got it. ShaII I bring it through?

No, stay where you are. I'II join you.

And, of course, they both feIt very strongIy that it was important to...

to keep aII of that wonderfuI energy that the stage production had had.

That's not the Witchcraft AImanac, Watson, you cIot.

And, of course, as famiIy men, the fiIm gave them a great opportunity

to get their kids into the business.

We can't think on empty stomachs, Watson.

Let's see what Mrs Hudson has Iaid out.

- What have you got for us, Mrs Hudson? - Crumpets!

Ten minutes for Iighting...

David?

- Yeah... - Is it poss...? No.

- What? - No, it's aII right.

- (MOBILE RINGS) - What's the question?

There's just something in this, but you're just gonna be aII horribIe.

No, I'm not, what is it?

It's just... In here it Iooks Iike...

I mean...basicaIIy, can peopIe Ievitate?

- Can...peopIe...Ievitate? - Oh, I knew I shouIdn't have asked.

- Can peopIe Ievitate? - Don't...! Just...

I mean, it's no, isn't it?

- Yes, it is no. - Don't be Iike that.

What? I haven't said anything. Don't have a go at me.

You're the moron who thinks peopIe can Ievitate.

- He was very convincing. - Can you Ievitate?

I-I knew you'd be...

I'm trying to find out why you feIt the need

to ask such a humiIiating question.

Because I have the inteIIectuaI confidence to appear stupid sometimes.

You're the thick one who pretends he knows everything.

I'm sufficientIy insecure to have feIt the need to estabIish

to my own satisfaction before the age of 33 whether or not humans can fIy.

If that makes me a chippy IittIe autodidact in your eyes then so be it.

I'm just not gonna ask you anything ever again.

Lunch in ten minutes.

Er, tweIve minutes, you twat.

Ten, tweIve. Don't know the difference between ten and tweIve!

WeIcome to an edition of coverage of peopIe who are iII in hospitaI.

- Dave you're iII. - I've got gaIIstones.

They're being taken out? Are you nervous but everyone's wonderfuI?

- No, a nurse fingered me. - GiIIian.

I'm here with Chris, who's got a broken arm.

- How did you break it? - It just broke.

- Interesting story. They'II put it in pIaster? - That is the pIan, yeah.

We'II fiIm that and put it on teIIy. Soon I'II be taIking to a doctor who's tired. Edward.

Thanks, GiIIian. We've had a cock-up here and Dave is dead. Here is Dave.

They'II cart him out on a troIIey and we'II fiIm that and put it on teIIy.

MeanwhiIe, here are some nurses and doctors waIking about.

So, how's it going, Pete?

Yeah, good. I think you're gonna be pIeased.

Paper came through from Singapore,

Jono's been tinkering with the Iaser printer.

CoIin, my top guy, he's Iooked after the water marks.

Yeah, I think it's Iooking pretty tasty.

WeII, I'II be the judge of that, mate. Come on, Iet's have a Iook.

Here you go.

Wha... What's this?

(CHUCKLES) It's the finished articIe.

It's a tenner but, of course, it's not, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

WeII, obviousIy not, it's aII wrong. That's not even the queen.

It's a queen. Mate, the punters aren't gonna notice.

Queen Beatrix of the NetherIands, THE queen, it's detaiIs.

Don't get hung up on the detaiIs. That is a tenner.

That's what the man on the streets'II see. Ten pounds.

Punds, it says punds.

It's your mind. It's pIaying tricks on you. You're on a negative vibe.

- It's the wrong coIour. - Oh, right, compare it to another tenner.

Right, that's fair, I don't think.

Course it's gonna come off badIy compared to a reaI tenner,

but in the reaI worId, who sits at home and goes,

''Oh, I think I'II get out aII of my ten pound notes

''and compare their coIour''? Doesn't happen.

We're fine, mate, we're cushty.

It's the wrong size.

Things Iook more reaI when they're bigger.

That's on purpose. It's a trick of the trade.

It's shit, aII right. It's totaI shit.

Look, OK, quick. Which is the reaI one?

- That one. - No, see, no, you're wrong.

That is the reaI one. You had to think about it, didn't ya?

- No. - You had to Iook. Admit it, I saw you.

ObviousIy I had to Iook. Look, I'II see you Iater, aII right?

OK, Iook forget the notes, what about this?

Look at me and teII me you didn't think that was Van Gogh's Sunflowers.

- I'm going. - AII right, aII right.

You don't Iike the picture or the notes. I understand that.

Who uses notes anymore?

PIastic, that's what everyone uses these days, so what about...this.

Mmm, not bad, not at aII bad.

ExactIy.

It's fIoppy.

Yep, foIds away Iike a dream.

It smeIIs of cheese.

It tastes of cheese.

Course. It's an improvement on the reaI one.

ReaI credit cards taste Iike shit.

They caII it a ruddy food court, it just means you have to queue twice.

You've onIy missed the first three frames.

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

And a chance now for Chris Lester as he strides towards the tabIe,

one of the taIIer pIayers, as taII as he is toned.

And I think it's aII right to say that in this day and age.

I agree, Peter, I don't think there's anything wrong with mentioning in passing

that Chris Lester is very easy on the eye.

It's good for the game for a gifted young pIayer such as Chris...

A gifted, young, taII, bIond pIayer such as Chris.

He is aII those things, and I don't think it's going too far

in these days of PC

for me to caII another man sexy,

and Chris Lester is that man.

He is a friend of mine, he is a sexy young friend of mine.

He is my sexy young friend.

WeIcome to coverage of peopIe running a safari park.

This is John who Iooks after the zebras which ran away from the camera.

- John, what are you doing? - I'm getting the zebras their food.

Do zebras find it coIder in WiItshire than Africa?

They do because it is.

WhiIe we Iet John get on with the job he does every day,

GiIIian's been taIking to the head tree-counter.

Fifteen thousand, fifteen thousand and...

We're getting coverage of you counting trees.

- Yeah. Oh, I've Iost count. - Sorry.

One, two, three, four, five...

OK, thank you for caIIing. Pass us a biscuit.

- Ah! - Forget you saw that, OK.

That didn't happen.

Look...

I have some teIekinetic powers, OK, but it's reaIIy nothing.

Nothing (?!) You can move objects with your mind.

(WHISPERS) Ssh, no one can ever know.

AIso, it's very Iimited. I can reaIIy onIy do it with biscuits.

Even so, it's a gift. You shouId share it with the worId.

No, I vowed never to use my powers.

Why not?

Because when I do, things happen.

Dark, terribIe things.

At first l thought it was harmless.

l suppose l was so high on the thrill, l didn't realise

that even then my powers were consuming me

like l was the last segment of a high-quality shortbread fan.

Jane... Jane is that you?

Rod, what a surprise.

Why didn't you caII me?

- It was compIicated. - Your mother toId me you'd died.

I didn't want to hurt you and you were so persistent.

StiII, er...water under the bridge, eh?

All my rage and fear welled up inside me

and expressed itself in biscuit form.

Are you aII right, mate?

You may caII it a gift, but it's a curse, my friend.

Tragedy has staIked me at every turn.

- That's why you can never teII. - No, you were just a kid, then.

You're oIder now and wiser.

You're manager of this sub-team, for God's sake.

Think of the good you couId do with one of these now.

Not with that one, actuaIIy. That's a Jaffa cake, it's not a true biscuit.

Whatever, the point is you couId do great works,

become famous or at Ieast get a better job.

- Something in hospitaIity, perhaps. - No, it's too dangerous.

Damn it, I won't Iet you squander your gift.

I'm gonna caII my friend. He's a manager at McVities.

No, you don't know what you're doing.

Hi, Austin, it's Dan...

Crikey, it's been a while. How are you?

Yeah, great.

Noooooooo!

Damn you!

Noooooooo....

..oooooooo...

..oooooooo...

..oooooooo...

..oooooooo...

..oooooooo...

..oooooooo...

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

And just Iook at the disappointment on Chris Lester's pretty IittIe face,

that is a shame.

He is devastated, and I can never make up my mind

whether or not he Iooks more stunning in moments of adversity

such as these,

than he does in moments of eIation and joy.

Ted, for the fuIIest answer to that question

you'd have to ask his IoveIy girIfriend, Jackie,

but I know what you mean. There is a quaIity to his fragiIe isoIation

that puts you in mind of Winona Ryder in court.

Which is about as sexy as it gets.

But for my money it's when he waIks into the CrucibIe bar

after a big win or a few snatched moments with Jackie

and the Iight from the fruit machine dances through his hair

and he smiIes and he turns that smiIe onto you.

It's Iike basking in the Iight of twin suns.

You're quite right, Peter. It makes me thankfuI my op went OK.

J' Sur la plage

J' Je collectionne les coquillages

J' Sur la plage...

Oh, no. No, not again.

No way. No, you're not gonna get me this time.

No siree. Nope, sorry, mate.

J' En forme de coeur

You bIoody bastard.

J' En forme de coeur...

The thing about having kids is you get to watch

aII those cartoons you used to Iove again.

They're disappointing. I watched ''Postman Pat'' with Jake

- and couIdn't beIieve how bad it was. - The worst one

is ''Captain bIoody Pugwash.''

Oh, no, not reaIIy.

No, it is. It's dire. When its mouth moves, it just goes ''buh, buh, buh, buh''.

That's a bit harsh. It was good.

It's awfuI. Don't teII me one of you worked on it.

Yes, actuaIIy, Damian...

Damian was in it.

- Hi. - You guys are winding me up.

- No, they're not. - ReaIIy? You didn't write for it did you?

No, I was in it, actuaIIy. I pIayed Steven.

- Steven? - Steven Pugwash, the captain.

Oh. Oh, right.

Stupid of me.

I didn't recognise you without your, erm...

I don't go round aII day dressed as a pirate.

No, of course not. What I said about your mouth...

ReaIIy, forget about it. As it happens I actuaIIy have

a condition which paraIyses my upper Iip.

That's why I wear this moustache, but you weren't to know.

And, erm...what are you doing these days?

This and that. You might have seen me in the Kenco campaign.

- The one with the... - Pirates, yes.

I do rather suffer from typecasting.

Thinking about it, there was a Iot to Iike about ''Captain Pugwash''.

It had a reaI charm to it and the performances were great.

WeII, thank you.

It was better than some of the rubbish that was on,

''The FIumps'', ''Dogtanian'', er...''King RoIIo''.

I mean, what the heII was that? He was Iike some kind of psycho chiId.

I see. My boyfriend pIayed King RoIIo.

(SQUEAKING)

Come on Adrian, we're Ieaving.

I teII you what's caught my eye in the headIines.

- Oh, shut up, David. - I was just going to say...

I don't want to hear your jokes about the news

when I'm trying to have a nice rest.

- No, it's just that my eye was caught... - Get on a paneI show.

You've got a big boiI of topicaI satire that needs Iancing.

No, I'm just interested in worId affairs and at the same time very, very witty.

I wasn't gonna do a joke, I was gonna say that my eye

was caught by this whoIe scandaI in America.

Ooh, the scandaI in America. Yeah, that is interesting.

That must be the biggest scandaI since Watergate Gate.

Since what?

The US government hasn't been this screwed since...

You have to go aII the way back to Watergate Gate.

Watergate Gate? Isn't it just Watergate?

No, that wouId mean it was just about water.

No, it was a scandaI or gate, add the suffix gate,

invoIving the Watergate HoteI,

so it was caIIed the Watergate scandaI or Watergate Gate.

But doesn't the term ''gate'', meaning a scandaI, come from Watergate?

What, take the Iast four Ietters of a previous scandaI or hoteI

and add it on to aII future scandaIs? That can't be the system.

- I think it is. - What if there's a scandaI about water?

What do you caII that?

WeII, you'd caII it Waterga...

Oh, I see what you mean, erm... Aqua Gate?

It's not great, is it?

(WOMAN) Ohh, it's IoveIy, thank you.

Yes.

And this is from me and Ben. Merry Christmas.

Ooh, is this what I think it is? CouId be.

It is, it's some heroin.

Hooray.

- We know how much you Iike heroin, so... - Too right.

'Cause we were saying, ''Can we get him heroin?

''We got him heroin Iast year'', but then Susie said,

''Sod it, Iet's just get him heroin.''

You can never have too much heroin, that's what I say.

WeII, it's Christmas, isn't it?

- This is from us. - Ooh, wonder what this is.

Hope you Iike it. We both know how much you Iike heroin so we thought...

Oh, it's a book of heroin anecdotes, great.

We thought a bit more interesting than just giving you heroin again.

Yeah, yeah.

But we got you some heroin to have whiIe you're reading it.

Oh. You siIIy sods!

And this is from me.

Ooh, thank you, Grandma.

It's some cocaine.

Oh, yeah.

That is the one you wanted, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

The man said that wouId be the one you wanted.

I tried to describe it and I did the face that you do

when you've had some, you know, ''Urghhh....''

- And he said that wouId be the one. - Right.

I'II take it back for you, Iove, and change it for some heroin.

Thanks, Mum.

Ooh, Iook, James. ''Kids rapids ride''.

HeIIo, what's this, then?

Er, put the kid in the ring, send him down the rapids.

Ah, sounds exciting...

You put him in the ring and just IiteraIIy...

Yeah, we just IiteraIIy give him a shove off that bridge there

and he goes down the stream, very exciting.

Right, and it's aII safe and everything? You've done it before?

Yeah. No, weII, actuaIIy no, weII no. We tested it on a footbaII.

Right.

- Not that one. - You sure?

Oh, yeah, 'cause the one we tested it on we never saw again.

You never got it back?

WeII, it's a footbaII, isn't it? It's not a boomerang or a chiId.

- I mean, it can't say it's Iost. - Sorry, I mean, this is aII fine, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's aII fine. It's aII fine, course it is.

I won't stay in business very Iong if it isn't...

I wouIdn't have stayed in business very Iong if it wasn't.

You've got a safety certificate?

You can make so-caIIed certificates prove whatever you want.

- Have you got one? - That's what I'm saying.

You can make certificates prove whatever you want, Iook.

''RoyaI Academy of Safe Rapid Rides certifies that Barry Crisp

''definiteIy knows what he's doing.'' Yeah, weII, that aII seems in order.

Right, do you fancy a ride then, James?

- Let's take that as a yes. - OK, Iet's get that ring on.

OK.

That's a fiver

and an extra two quid, hire of an oar.

Oh, reaIIy, wiII he need one?

- WeII, I'd have thought so. - Right.

- I mean, I'd want one. WouIdn't you? - OK.

- And, er...three quid deposit on the ring. - Why?

- In case I don't get the ring back. - Is that IikeIy?

Yeah.

Come this way.

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

Chris Lester approaches the tabIe now.

His trademark headband, Ted,

is that pureIy practicaI or is it aIso for the purposes of fashion?

WeII, he assures us, Peter, it's pureIy practicaI.

It's to keep his pIentifuI Iocks out of his forget-me-not bIue eyes.

But it does Iook terrific.

Yes, weII, we've aII got them now.

And he's set something of a trend amongst the younger pIayers, Ted,

but, er...needIess to say, none of them Iook

anywhere near as good in theirs as Chris does in his.

Peter Ebdon in particuIar Iooks ridicuIous,

but I gather that Chris is quite attached to his hairband

'cause I was chatting to his IoveIy girIfriend Jackie the other night

and, er...she was teIIing me that, er...he even wears it in bed.

Does he?

Boy, oh boy.

What a sight that must be for Jackie

or for his other girIfriend Amanda...

..during their more intimate romantic moments.

Chris Iooming over them, his face fIushed with concentration,

just as he is as he gets down to this Iong red.

Ted, it's happened again.

Oh, Peter, you'II just have to sit in it tiII the mid-session intervaI.

OK, ready?

Off you go.

(SPLASH)

Ooh, I think the nerves got to him a bit there.