Original subtitles

(SNIGGERS)

(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)

Very weII.

They're coming.

Now we'II see how these Russians deaI with a crack SS Division.

Uh... Hans...

Have courage, my friend.

Yeah, er...Hans, I've just noticed something.

These Communists are aII cowards.

Have you Iooked at our caps recentIy?

Our caps?

The badges on our caps, have you Iooked at them?

What? No... A bit.

They've got skuIIs on them.

Mm?

Have you noticed that our caps

have actuaIIy got IittIe pictures of skuIIs on them?

I... I don't, er...

Hans...

- (EXPLOSION) - Are we the baddies?

# It's AngeI Summoner

# And BMX Bandit

# One can summon angeIs

# The other rides a BMX

# They're a crime-fighting duo

# Do do-do, do-do, oh, yeah!

OK, AngeI Summoner, the kidnappers are hoIding a hostage at that warehouse,

but I've got a pIan.

OK, BMX Bandit, Iet's hear it.

I ride in through that window using my BMX

and spin my rear wheeI, kicking some mud up into their faces.

WhiIe they're distracted, I'II pop a wheeIie,

knocking the guns out of their hands, then you go in and untie the girI.

Right.

Or I couId just summon a horde of angeIs to sort it out.

But then how wouId I be using my BMX?

WeII, you wouIdn't need to. The angeIs wouId just take care of it.

Oh, OK. We couId do that if you want.

- (SHOUTS) AngeIic hordes come forth. - (RUMBLING)

(CELESTIAL CHOIR SINGS)

Thank you, AngeI Summoner.

Oh, er...and the BMX Bandit.

Whatever.

(WHOOPS & APPLAUSE)

HeIIo and weIcome to ''Numberwang'',

the maths quiz everyone is taIking about.

Our contestants today are JuIie from Somerset

and Simon from Somerset.

- JuIie, any hobbies down in Somerset? - Yes.

- Simon? - No.

Great, OK. WeII, if you're ready, Iet's pIay Numberwang.

- JuIie to pIay first. - 3.

- 9. - 16.

- 12. - 8.2.

- 4. - That's Numberwang.

- Simon to pIay first. - 27.

- 30. - Oh, er, 18.

- 54. - That's Numberwang.

Let's go to the maths board, JuIie?

Er, I'II have the 4, the 6 and the 3.4.

That's Numberwang. We Iike those decimaIs, JuIie. Simon?

I'd Iike the root 1 4 and the 12.

Numberwang. Round three. JuIie to pIay first.

- 8 minus 4. - That's Numberwang. Simon?

- Er, 109 times 1 7. - That's Numberwang. JuIie?

- 47. - (HOOTER BLARES)

That's the Numberwang bonus, tripIe Numberwang to JuIie.

JuIie, you're ahead on 77, Simon, you traiI on 83.

Everything hinges on the finaI round. It's time for Wangernumb!

Let's rotate the board.

Let's pIay Wangernumb. JuIie to pIay first.

- 43. - Simon?

- Er, 27. - 200.

- 3. - 1 .

(CONTESTANTS BOTH KEEP CHOOSING ''1'')

Ooh.... Ah... Eh...

That's Wangernumb!

Oh, bad Iuck, JuIie. You've been Wangernumbed,

but, Simon, you are today's Numberwang.

That's aII from Numberwang. UntiI tomorrow's edition, stay Numberwang

and remember out there...

(ALL) Good Numberwang!

- That bar is badIy understaffed. - It's started.

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

It's very upsetting for him.

Harry Vaughan is oId enough

to remember the days when that Iong waIk back from the tabIe

ended in the consoIation of a proper drink.

Instead aII he can do is imagine that pint at the end of the session,

the cooIing, Iagery swaIIow and that first suck on a Lambert.

What a contrast. Look at Harry Vaughan staring mournfuIIy at his water.

Look at that. You couId put a goIdfish in that gIass and it wouIdn't even die.

HeIIo, it's me, Jason. You know me.

I came fourth in ''Big Brother Seven''

and third in ''CeIebrity Big Brother Three'' just six months Iater.

Beat that, AinsIey.

I'm Fiona Ashcroft, professionaI cIothes styIist.

- Yeah, Iike that's a job. - We get on! Chemistry.

WeIcome to another edition of ''How Not What to Look Like''.

Why don't you do that bit (?!)

''How Not What to Look Like'', ''How Not What to Look Like''.

And this week's voIunteer is Anita who's from Coventry

where she's a mother and a home-maker.

- What, a buiIder or a housewife? - HonestIy, Jason.

Yeah, chemistry.

And here she is.

- Oh, God. - Hi.

Now, just before we get started, the burka, is that...

Th...that stays, obviousIy.

Oh, brother!

Er, David.

- Yeah. - I'm a bit worried about that, actuaIIy.

- Why? - WeII, the whoIe burka thing.

I'm... I'm not sure we quite know what we're trying to say.

Do we have to be saying anything?

WeII, no, but...

I mean, aren't we just taking the piss out of peopIe's

sincereIy-heId beIiefs?

WeII, maybe but I think you can worry too much about this kind of thing.

I mean, what's offensive to one person

is just good cIean fun to the other.

Yeah.

I see you've started bIacking up again.

Yeah.

Was that because you were pIaying an Asian woman?

- No, I just Iike it. - Right.

I think it's more...

- me. - OK.

Don't you think peopIe might think...?

- I don't care. - OK.

I've got to the point where I just don't care what peopIe think anymore.

# They're a crime-fighting duo

# Do do-do, do-do, oh, yeah!

OK, that's the boat with the cocaine on-board.

I'II ride to the end of the pier on my BMX,

hook onto the crane and swing on-board

surprising the burIy henchman, then I'II pop a wheeIie,

knock them overboard and you can come in and grab the carteI Ieader.

Yeah. Yeah, sounds good, or we couId just use the angeIs again.

I couId summon them, no probIem.

Yeah, aII right, caII the angeIs.

ShaII we?

Fine, do it.

Er... Right, you don't seem at aII happy.

WeII, we're supposed to be a partnership

but to be honest I'm starting to feeI a IittIe bit overshadowed here.

Oh, right. Why's that?

WeII, I think the thing is that your abiIity to summon

a horde of ceIestiaI super beings at wiII

is making my BMX skiIIs Iook a bit redundant.

Yeah, weII, but at the end of the day it's aII about resuIts.

WeII, yeah, but I'm quite good on my BMX.

I-I teII you what, we'II use the angeIs this time

but the next crisis we're invoIved in we'II soIve using BMX-based tactics, OK?

Yeah, OK. Go on, summon them.

- (SHOUTS) AngeIic hordes come forth. - (RUMBLING)

(CELESTIAL CHOIR SINGS)

I couId have done that.

- This is nice, Henry. - Isn't it?

It's amazing how restaurants have changed over the Iast 20 years.

What with gastro pubs and AII Bar One,

things Iike that, it's just so easy now.

Are you ready to order, sir?

Sorry, mate, haven't had a Iook yet.

Can we order a bottIe of the house red to be going on with?

''Mate'', ''the house red'', ''to be going on with'' (?!)

Where the heII do you think you are?

- Sorry. - Do you know what the house red is?

Are you even an expert on wine? If you're not, I don't know

on what basis you venture to order it.

What happened to the friendIy AustraIian girI that used to work here?

She's gone, sir. They've aII gone.

- And we're back. - Who?

The incredibIy posh peopIe who are stiII unaccountabIy waiters.

And I'm afraid we've changed the ruIes.

- WeII, we'd stiII Iike to order. - I saw you in here Iast week.

I saw you drinking your soup.

I saw you bIowing and sIurping and dunking your bread.

We were watching you on the monitors in the kitchen

and we aII thought you were a dick.

I can't beIieve you taIk to paying customers Iike this.

I can't beIieve you're continuing with this.

You know that I can destroy you.

Observe my troIIey, these are my weapons.

Today, I'm recommending the consomme, which as every schooIboy knows,

provided your schooI wasn't free, is to be consumed

onIy using a vichyssoise fork. It's aII in the wrist.

And for sir...

crab, which you're supposed to tackIe using this.

Make sure you kiII it right or it's poisonous.

Off you go.

You're not aIIowed to swap.

My, my, it's Iike watching ''The Generation Game''.

I expect that's a reference you get.

Right, I've had just about enough of you taIking to me Iike this.

- I'd Iike to see the manager. - How can I introduce YOU to the manager?

You haven't shaved, you're not wearing a tie and you hoId your IadIe Iike a pen.

Now, take your gaudy but gratifyingIy mute girIfriend and get out.

- (SNOOKER BALLS CLICK) - Oh, and that's a bad miss.

Oh, and a speciaI thank you to Mrs L BeasIey from SuffoIk

who's written to say she's been enjoying the coverage

and she's sent us a IittIe present.

WeII, peopIe every now and again Iike to show their appreciation

when they've been enjoying a tournament, so, er...

Oh, my word, that...that is... That is much appreciated.

Thank you very much, Mrs N BeanIey...

- BeasIey! - We won't embarrass you by saying

what it is, but just to say, you know...cheers!

Yes, very nice.

- (SNOOKER BALLS CLICK) - Yeah, it's Iike Christmas, isn't it?

- It is Christmas. - Oh, shit, the kids!

Right. Let's see.

We shouId be abIe to hoId them here, at Ieast for a few hours.

- I mean, why skuIIs, though? - What?

Why skuIIs?

WeII, maybe they're the skuIIs of our enemies.

Maybe, but is that how it comes across?

It doesn't say next to the skuII, you know,

''Yeah, we kiIIed him but trust us, this guy was horrid.''

WeII, no, but...

I mean, what do skuIIs make you think of?

Death, cannibaIs, beheading, erm...pirates?

Pirates are fun.

I didn't say we weren't fun, but fun or not,

pirates are stiII the baddies.

I just can't think of anything good about a skuII.

What about pure Aryan skuII shape?

Even that is more usuaIIy depicted with the skin stiII on, whereas the aIIies...

You haven't been Iistening to aIIy propaganda.

- They're bound to say we're bad guys. - But they didn't get to design our uniforms

and their symboIs are aII, you know, quite nice,

stars, stripes, Iions, sickIes.

- What's so good about a sickIe? - WeII, nothing.

And if there's one thing we've Iearnt in 1 ,000 miIes of retreat,

it's that Russian agricuIture's in dire need of mechanisation.

- TeII me about it. - You've got to say it's better than a skuII.

I reaIIy can't think of anything worse as a symboI than a skuII.

A rat's...anus?

Yeah, and if we were fighting an army, marching under the banner of a rat's anus

I'd probabIy be a Iot Iess worried, Hans.

OK. So...

(BEETHOVEN'S SYMPHONY NO. 9: CHORAL FINALE)

WeIcome to ''Big TaIk'', your weekIy guIIetfuI of the massiveIy important.

I'm Raymond Terrific and gathered around me

are the biggest bunch of eggheads and brainiacs that taxis can be sent to fetch.

Together we're gonna be thrashing out some absoIuteIy coIossaI issues.

Right, first up, Aids pandemic in Africa. Come on, boffins, Iet's sort this out.

- What do we reckon, Richard? - As usuaI, you've raised a huge question...

Of course I have, this is ''Big TaIk''. Let's get this sorted once and for aII.

WeII, I think the root of the probIem is in education.

Right, send more, sIeeves roIIed up, ships fuII of schooIs. Is that the answer?

- Leonard? - Er, no...

CanceI the schooIs ships. Come on, Iet's reaIIy bang our heads together.

- If I couId... - You're the biggest boffin.

Sort these guys out and Iet's stop the dying if we can be bothered.

It's Iess about education, more about money.

Right, they need money, How much money, Tim?

- WeII, it's difficuIt... - How much money to get this sorted?

- Leonard. (SHOUTS) Leonard! - Er...

Don't desert me, boffins.

Er, s-s-seven hundred biIIion pounds?

Oh, no, that's enormous.

Where are we gonna find that? Come on, work it out.

I've got a house worth three hundred K,

so seven hundred biIIion minus three hund...

Oh, we are nowhere near.

Right, OK, get some pizza in, speed diaI three.

We're gonna crack this if it takes aII night.

Yeah, it's a medicaI drama

but with the emphasis on drama rather than medicine.

I think you can get far too bogged down in so-caIIed research.

The producer arranged for us to foIIow

a team of paramedics around for a month

- but instinctiveIy that feIt wrong. - I mean, a month (?!)

- We wanted to cut through... - I had a hoIiday booked.

We just wanted to cut through aII that high-fIown medicaI jargon

and just reaIIy get into what makes peopIe tick.

- Do peopIe tick? - Yeah, I think so.

(MAN) Last week on Emergency Medical Treatment...

That never gets any easier.

QuickIy, Doctor, this patient is incredibIy poorIy.

My God, I don't think I've ever seen anyone Iooking so peaky,

get me the medicine in here right now.

Stand aside, Doctor, this is my patient.

- I'm doing the treatment here. - I'm sorry, I can't Iet you do that,

you're just the sort of doctor who makes peopIe go to sIeep,

whereas I speciaIise in peopIe who've been in the wars in this particuIar way.

- The medicine, Doctor. - You fooI, nurse.

This is medicine for a different iIIness from this one.

- Am I going to be aII right? - DefiniteIy,

but we need to give you a spoonfuI of the right medicine and maybe a tabIet.

- This isn't going to taste very nice. - (GROANING)

I'm going to use the eIectric shock that's a sort of medicine if you're very iII

but can make you sort of iII if you're fine. CIear!

(CONTINUOUS BEEP)

Oh, no, he was fine, now he's poorIy from too much eIectric.

Cause of death, Doctor?

WeII, one thing's for sure, he Iiked butter.

- So, who shaII we invite to our next do? - Oh, Iet's invite Moneypenny.

Oh, yeah, Iet's have Moneypenny. She's aIways good vaIue.

- AIthough... - What?

There's a chance she'II bring that bIoke.

Oh, God, I think I know the one you mean.

- The taII one, what's his name, John? - James.

James, yeah. What a penis.

You remember Iast time, it was onIy a barbecue and he turned up in his tuxedo.

Stood around making smug remarks. What does Moneypenny see in him?

Do you remember that do I had before Christmas?

- Moneypenny brings John... - James...

James aIong. ''God'', but I thought Christmas spirit...

- AbsoIuteIy. - I said ''Hi, James, we've got muIIed wine

- ''or there's some beer in the fridge.'' - Yeah.

- Cock asked for a Martini. - A Martini?

- A Martini, yeah. - Oh, come on.

So I said, ''I'm sorry, James, I don't think I've got any Martini.''

I mean, why wouId I have any Martini? What does he think it is? 1973?

I mean, where does that guy get off,

he keeps Ieaving these around.

I think he gets them free at work.

It's Moneypenny I feeI for. When I was going round with the voddy...

- What? - I said to Moneypenny,

''Can you manage another finger in there?'' meaning...

- Finger of vodka in her drink. - ExactIy.

- SeIf-expIanatory. - Then James starts roIIing his eyes

Iike he's having some kind of stroke

and says, ''Oh, you can aIways get another finger inside Moneypenny.''

- He said what? - I just IiteraIIy did not know where to Iook.

- Finger inside Moneypenny? - I know,

and I don't think Moneypenny was turned on.

She was probabIy recovering from the Darren incident.

- Oh, what was that? - Oh, didn't you hear?

Darren turned up

and anyway he starts getting a bit Iippy about James's cigarette case.

- What did he say? - That it was gay.

- WeII, it is gay. - Yeah, I know, exactIy.

Everyone's Iaughing, thinking, ''Bit cheeky,'' but, you know,

and then suddenIy James picks him up and throws him through a window.

BIoody heII, is that why Darren can't waIk now?

Yes. Poor guy Ianded on a raiIing spike

and it went straight through his spine.

Everyone's in shock apart from James

who stroIIs over to the window, gIances down and says,

''What a piercing bore.''

''Piercing bore'', there's no such expression.

I know, weII, the raiIing was right next to a crusher.

It's pretty cIear he'd wanted to say ''crushing bore''

but he'd missed and he was making the best of a bad job.

AII right, BMX Bandit, this is the situation.

The terrorists have that buiIding rigged to bIow.

They're ruthIess, nervous and very heaviIy armed

and there are at Ieast 30 of them.

I propose you ride to the edge of this buiIding at high speed

and attempt to make the 70-metre jump across. When you Iand,

assuming you haven't faIIen short and been dashed on the ground,

you pop a wheeIie or do an endo or whatever BMX trick you think suitabIe

for disarming a group of fanatics with assauIt weapons.

I wiII stay here and watch.

Yeah, you see, this is one situation where maybe it wouId be more sensibIe

just to summon some angeIs.

No, no, a promise is a promise. We're gonna do this your way.

Come on, this is weII within your abiIities.

You're the BMX Bandit.

You're right, I can do this.

OK, here goes.

Yes, go BMX Bandit, you're doing it.

It's amazing, I can't beIieve I'm stiII airborne.

Yes, it's remarkabIe.

It reaIIy is. This is the Iongest jump I or anybody eIse on a BMX

has ever performed.

It's a reaI testimony to your BMXing skiIIs.

I can't beIieve I'm abIe to have this quite Iong conversation with you

whiIst apparentIy fIying unaid...

Oh, I get it.

You shit!

You've summoned a Ioad of invisibIe frigging angeIs to support me.

WeII, onIy a coupIe, it's stiII mainIy you, honestIy.

- CaII 'em off. - Why not Iook on them as backup?

CaII 'em off now. I can do this, I'm the BMX Bandit.

AII right, then.

Yeah, thanks for beIieving in me, mate.

You see, I'm absoIuteIy...

- fiiiiiine. - (CRASH)

Tune in next week for the all new adventures of Angel Summoner

and Gymkhana Girl.

- What are those? - Sugar Iumps.

Oh, right.

(SLURPING)

Eight.

Mummy, Daddy, come and push me on the swing

- OK. - Coming, darIing.

(MAN) No one likes to think that the worst might happen.

Wee, wiII you push me further?

Of course, darIing. Oh, Roger, did you sort out that Iife insurance?

CouIdn't be bothered, Iife's great now so Iet's not think about it.

(SWINGS SQUEAK)

(IN MONOTONE) Do you want to pIay on the swings, Lucy?

No, they remind me of Mummy, who's dead now.

Of course, besides I've got a bad back from worry,

and have become a drunk.

It's a pity you didn't take out that insurance, after aII.

Do you want a smack?

Of course, no amount of money can ever repIace a spouse or Ioved one,

so at Dreamy Pastures Insurance we won't give you any money,

instead we wiII repIace your spouse or Ioved one

with someone sexier and kinder.

Within ten days of receipt of your tragic news,

we'II stick a gorgeous AIbanian teenager on the next cabbage boat.

She'll be thinner than your previous spouse,

initially at least and having been brought up in an absolute shit hole,

you can be sure she won't give you any lip.

Wee, my mummy doesn't make me do my homework.

I know, darIing, it's because she can't read.

Dreamy Pastures lnsurance...

because no one's irreplaceable.

David, I've got this great...

Why you being fiImed?

It's for the background of the one of the DVD menus.

What, just you sitting there?

I sit here for five minutes and they Ioop it.

At one point I scratch my face.

- WeII, who's gonna watch that? - Freaks.

Oh, right. WeII, can you do it Iater?

(SIGHS) WeII, I was just getting into it, but aII right.

I thought this wouId be a good time to do my banana dance.

- What? - You know I mentioned

to the executive producer that I shouId get a banana

and make up a funny dance and vibe it

and it'd be briIIiant and he said that was a good idea.

He just says yes to the Iast thing he's heard.

Yeah, so shaII I do it now?

- No. - WeII, can I at Ieast show you?

Er, OK, hang on a minute.

(PANTING)

What do you think?

Shit.

Stop, thief! He's stoIen your waIIet, but he's dropped your keys.

- Where? - There.

Quick, Ginger, we haven't a moment to Iose.

(SIR DIGBY HUMS ''DEVIL'S GALLOP'' BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)

(SlR DlGBY) On a lonely planet

amid the despair of a broken human race, who will fight for all that is good

and gets you smashed for under a fiver?. Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me,

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.

At Iast, my grant from the Foreign Office. Now we'II finaIIy crack this mystery.

Sir, I can't feeI my Ieft bottom.

(SlR DlGBY) The story so far.

As usual, Ginger and l are engaged in our quest

to find out what's going on and save humanity from my nemesis,

some bastard who's presumably responsible.

(BOTH) Tickets for ''Mama Mia!''

(SlR DlGBY) While posing as ticket touts outside ''Mama Mia!'',

one of my nemesis's henchmen, wearing a cunning disguise,

tries to foil our plan.

Come on, gents, move aIong, pIease.

Take his number, Ginger.

I'm trying, sir, but he's quite strong for a henchman.

It's aII right, I'II get heIp.

(SIR DIGBY HUMS ''DEVIL'S GALLOP'' BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)

Sir! He's taking me away!

I'm indebted to you, madam. Write to my cIub for fuII remuneration.

Ah, Ginger where have you been?

I've been in a poIice ceII for two days, sir.

WeII done, Ginger, what did you find out?

I've been in a poIice ceII for two days, sir.

Forgive me, you must be tired. Have a sip from my can.

I've made a new contact. Ginger meet Jock.

(INCOHERENT DRUNKEN RAMBLING)

HeIIo. Oh, I think he's faIIen asIeep, sir.

Of course, he's reserving his energy for the fight against my nemesis.

- ActuaIIy, I think he's dead, sir. - ReaIIy?

- Yeah, he'd have feIt that. - Yeah.

The forces of darkness have... Give me my can back.

The forces of darkness are moving in. Quick.

Search Jock, see if he's got any money.

(SIR DIGBY HUMS ''DEVIL'S GALLOP'' BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)

(SlR DlGBY) Will Jock have money or will Ginger have to go back on the game?

Where will my nemesis strike again? Will he attack a politician,

attempt a terrorist outrage or try to steal my special plastic bag

full of cloth and litter?.

Yes!

Ginger, you bastard.

Find out next week in ''The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar''.

(BOSSA NOVA PLAYS)