Original subtitles

MOM, LOOK! WE FOUND A TREE!

IS THAT THE SOUND OF PINE NEEDLES

HITTING MY CLEAN KITCHEN FLOOR?

IT´S CHRISTMAS! COME ON!

YOUR PARENTS WILL UNDERSTAND A FEW PINE NEEDLES.

GEORGE, THEY´RE DOCTORS!

THEY´RE USED TO EVERYTHING BEING STERILE.

BESIDES...THEY´VE NEVER SEEN THE NEW HOUSE,

AND I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT.

[ GASPS ]

IS THAT A CRUMB-PRODUCING FOOD ITEM?

YEAH, I GUESS IT IS.

[ LAUGHING ]

HEY! THAT FEELS GOOD! WOW!

HEY, DO ME.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

[ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD! THEY´RE HERE!

I´LL GET IT!

HERE WE GO.

HERE COMES ALL THE KISSING AND THE HUGGING.

HERE COME THE LOUD, EMOTIONAL CUBANS!

GEORGE, THAT´S JUST A STEREOTYPE.

Man: HELLO, HELLO, HELLO! WE´RE HERE!

OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT YOU, MAX! YOU´RE SO BIG!

Woman: CARMEN, IS THAT YOU?! YOU´RE BEAUTIFUL!

OKAY. THERE. IT´S OVER.

THERE SHE IS! THERE´S MY LITTLE PRINCESS!

O-H-H-H-H! O-H-H-H-H!

BONITA!

MAN, YOU´RE LUCKY YOU´RE DEAF.

GEORGE!

VIC!

EMELINA!

HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

GEORGE...

I WAS WONDERING WHY ANGIE WAS SO SKINNY,

BUT NOW I KNOW WHERE THE FOOD´S GOING, HUH?

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

THE KIDS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

ONE DAY, CARMEN´S GONNA BE

THE PRINCESS OF THE CUBAN DAY PARADE.

BUT I´M ONLY HALF CUBAN.

THAT´S NOT YOUR FAULT.

THIS ONE, HUH?

SO STRONG!

WE´RE GOING TO NEED THAT STRENGTH

TO TAKE THE ISLAND BACK FROM CASTRO, EH?

IT TOOK YOU A WHOLE MINUTE TO MENTION CASTRO, VIC.

YOU´RE SLIPPING.

MOM, DAD, LET ME SHOW YOU THE REST OF THE HOUSE.

HEY, DID YOU SEE THE BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEW

WITH CASTRO?

WHY DIDN´T SHE JUST START MAKING OUT WITH HIM?

MAX, WANNA SEE THE VEINS ON GRANDPA´S FOREHEAD POP OUT?

YEAH.

TELL HIM HOW GREAT CASTRO LOOKS FOR HIS AGE.

GRANDPA!

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE KITCHEN?

YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE ME. IT´S SUCH A MESS.

DON´T WORRY, HONEY.

TOMORROW WE´LL SCRUB THIS PLACE CLEAN.

YOU´LL BE ABLE TO EAT HERE.

THANKS, MOMMY.

HEY, I LIKE THE LITTLE TREE FOR THE KITCHEN.

WHEN ARE YOU GETTING THE BIG ONE FOR THE LIVING ROOM?

OH, UM, I´M PICKING IT UP TOMORROW.

THEY CUT IT TODAY, BUT IT TAKES ALL NIGHT TO FALL.

WE´RE GETTING TWO TREES FOR CHRISTMAS?

COOL!

ARE THERE GONNA BE PRESENTS UNDER BOTH?

HEY...

I DON´T SEE WHY NOT.

YOU KNOW...I GOT A LITTLE PULL WITH SANTA

EVER SINCE I TREATED HIM FOR THAT MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION.

How can he do the operation if he can´t even say the word?

[ Imitating Vic ] MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT´S THIS? HMMM. HEY.

ALL THESE BILLS ARE CRUMPLED.

I MIGHT AS WELL THROW THEM AWAY.

UNLESS I CAN GET SOMEONE TO TAKE THEM OFF MY HANDS.

OH! I´LL DO IT!

THANKS, GRANDPA!

VIC, YOU SHOULDN´T DO THAT.

AHH, DON´T WORRY, GEORGE. I DIDN´T FORGET ABOUT YOU, HUH?

TREAT MY DAUGHTER TO A NICE DINNER.

THIS ISN´T RIGHT.

NO, IT´S NOT.

I RESPECT YOU MORE THAN THAT, GEORGE.

THANK YOU, DADDY. WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

WHY DON´T YOU GO UPSTAIRS

AND LET THE KIDS SHOW YOU YOUR ROOM, HUH?

WE´VE BEEN MARRIED FOR SIXTEEN YEARS,

AND YOUR DAD´S STILL GIVING ME MONEY.

IT´S HIS WAY OF TRYING TO HELP.

WELL, IT´S INSULTING, ANGIE.

HE´S DISRESPECTING ME IN MY OWN HOUSE.

AS LONG AS I´VE KNOWN YOUR DAD,

HE´S ALWAYS LOOKED DOWN ON ME.

YOU KNOW, I´M MANAGING THE PLANT NOW.

I DON´T NEED HIS PITY MONEY.

COME ON, GEORGE. THEY´LL BE GONE IN A WEEK.

I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR MOM EVERY DAY,

AND SHE NEVER GIVES ME MONEY.

ACTUALLY, I EVEN THINK I´VE SEEN HER GOING THROUGH MY PURSE.

BUT, ANGIE, IT´S A WHOLE WEEK OF,

"GEORGE, IT´S NOT TOO LATE TO GO TO COLLEGE."

"GEORGE, ANGIE´S OLD BOYFRIEND IS A MILLIONAIRE."

"GEORGE, SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND."

MY DAD IS NOT SCARFACE.

COME ON!

JUST ONE WEEK WITH NO FIGHTING.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT IF HE STAYS LONGER THAN A WEEK, I SWEAR I´M GONNA HAVE A

[ Imitating Vic ] MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ INTRO TO WAR´S "LOW RIDER" PLAYS ]

♫ ALL MY FRIENDS KNOW THE LOW RIDER ♫

♫ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♫

♫ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♫

HEY, HEY, HEY!

JACK, MEL, WOW! THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!

COME ON! LET´S GIVE IT UP FOR THE BOSSES!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I HAVEN´T SEEN THESE GUYS CRYING SO MUCH

SINCE THEY RAISED THE MINIMUM WAGE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. DON´T FORGET TO TIP THE WELDERS.

WHAT´S ALL THIS?

HEY, WHERE YOU BEEN?

AT THE MALL.

MY PARENTS WANTED TO TAKE CARMEN AND MAX SHOPPING.

[ CHOKES ]

OH, MY GOD. WHAT IS IN THIS?

RUM, BRANDY, AND ENOUGH VODKA

TO MAKE YOU DROP YOUR PANTIES FOR A CANDY CANE.

HO, HO, HO.

GEORGE...MY PARENTS BOUGHT A LOT OF STUFF --

SOME STUFF THAT WE WERE THINKING ABOUT GETTING.

LIKE WHAT?

THEY BOUGHT MAX´S BIG PRESENT.

THEY BOUGHT HIM THE BMX BIKE!

NO! ANGIE!

I STEPPED AWAY FOR TWO SECONDS

TO STOP MY MOM FROM BUYING CARMEN A FUR...

AND WHEN I GOT BACK,

MY DAD HAD ALREADY BOUGHT MAX THE BIKE.

HE SHOULD HAVE ASKED US FIRST!

I BET HE DID THIS TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD.

WHAT´S HE GONNA BUY MAX NEXT, A CAR, A YACHT, A MONKEY?

YOU KNOW HE WANTS HIS OWN MONKEY!

GEORGE, YOU KNOW MY DAD.

HE´S ALWAYS GOTTA BE THE BIG SPENDER.

AND THEN THE KIDS THINK WHATEVER WE DO

ISN´T AS GOOD AS WHAT GRANDPA DOES.

SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA GET MAX NOW?

WE´RE NOT GETTING HIM THE MONKEY.

WE´LL JUST, YOU KNOW, GET THE NEXT THING ON HIS LIST.

WHAT´S THAT?

A WOLF. OH.

I THINK SOMEBODY´S GONNA BE UNDER MY MISTLETOE!

INCOMING!

OH!

[ CHUCKLES ]

GEORGE, CAN WE SEE YOU IN THE OFFICE FOR A COUPLE MINUTES?

OH, I´M GETTING FLASHBACKS FROM MY BIRTHDAY SPANKING.

GEORGE, YOU´VE DONE SUCH A GREAT JOB

RUNNING THE PLANT FOR US THIS YEAR...

...AND THIS IS JUST OUR WAY OF SAYING, "THANK YOU."

TA-DA! TA-DA!

A TURKEY FOR A BONUS?

[ LAUGHING ]

CHECK THE CAVITY!

YOU KNOW, THE KISS WAS ENOUGH.

THE TURKEY, WISENHEIMER.

THERE MIGHT BE JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING-SOMETHING.

[ BOTH GOBBLING ]

HOW MUCH IS THIS?

IT´S A THOUSAND BUCKS, GEORGE!

DAMN! A THOUSAND BUCKS! WOW! THANKS, GUYS!

GEORGE, YOU JUST WORK SO DARN HARD.

WE HOPE YOU GO AND BLOW IT ON SOMETHING FUN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I WILL.

I´M GONNA RUB MY FATHER-IN-LAW´S NOSE IN THIS MONEY

LIKE A DOG WHO POOPED ON MY CARPET!

UH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

GEORGE, WHAT IS ALL THIS HOLIDAY CRAP?

I´M TIRED OF VIC MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A CHARITY CASE,

SO I´M GONNA PROVE TO HIM

[ LAUGHING ]

[ GASPS ]

OH, MY GOD! GEORGE!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

THAT TREE BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU, VIC?

GEORGE, I HAVE TO SAY THAT´S A HELL OF A TREE.

BUT DOESN´T THIS ANGEL BELONG ON THE TOP?

VIC, YOU CUBAN CASANOVA.

EMELINA, THAT´S A NICE POSSUM YOU GOT THERE.

I LIKE YOUR COAT, TOO.

DID IT COME WITH A SHOPPING CART?

YOU KNOW WHAT...

GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!

YOU´RE BOTH PRETTY.

NOW, IF EVERYONE WILL FOLLOW ME IN THE BACKYARD,

I HAVE A SURPRISE THAT´LL FILL YOUR HEARTS

WITH CHRISTMAS JOY!

COUNT ME OUT.

I DON´T WANNA BE THERE

WHEN EMELINA´S COAT WAKES UP.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

COME WITH ME AS GEORGE LOPEZ PRESENTS --

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

HOLD ON, GEORGE.

I´VE GOT A DELIVERY FOR A "VIC PALMERO"?

HEY! IT´S FINALLY HERE!

HE GOT HIM THE MONKEY! GOT HIM THE DAMN MONKEY!

IT´S NOT A MONKEY.

DAD, IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS?

HA HA. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

VICTOR PALMERO PRESENTS -- THE CUBAN CHRISTMAS PIG!

GEORGE! THEY GOT US A PIG!

OH, I HAVEN´T HAD LECHóN IN YEARS!

I´M GONNA BUILD THE BOX,

AND WE´RE GONNA SMOKE IT IN THE BACKYARD...

JUST LIKE WHEN ANGIE AND HER SISTER WERE LITTLE.

THAT´S GREAT. WE´RE HAVING HAM.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

PREPARE YOURSELVES, AS GEORGE LOPEZ PRESENTS --

WELCOME TO MY WINTER WONDERLAND.

AND, OF COURSE,

OVERSEEING ALL OF CHRISTMAS

IS SANTA PAWS!

[ GAGS ]

[ Muffled ] THIS ISN´T REAL SNOW!

IT´S PLASTIC!

CARMEN, TAKE YOUR BROTHER INSIDE AND RINSE HIS MOUTH OUT.

SNOW?

IT´S 70 DEGREES, DOOF.

SO, PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, HUH, VIC?

THIS IS CHRISTMAS!

LOOK, I WOULDN´T HAVE SAID THIS IN FRONT OF THE KIDS,

BUT IS THIS THE WAY A MAN ON A TIGHT BUDGET

SHOULD BE SPENDING HIS MONEY?

WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS?

I´M TRYING TO GIVE THE KIDS A GOOD CHRISTMAS, VIC.

I´M SPOILING THE KIDS. I´M THEIR GRANDFATHER.

BUT LOOK AT THIS JUNK!

PBHT.

WHOSE CHRISTMAS IS THIS?

HERE WE GO.

GIANT CANDY CANES AND THE DANCING SANTAS

AND PLASTIC SNOW?

THIS IS A DEPARTMENT-STORE CHRISTMAS.

THERE´S NO CULTURE. THERE´S NO TRADITION.

THERE´S NO...

MOJO!

THAT´S WHY IT´S SO GREAT THAT YOU GUYS ARE HERE.

FIVE MORE DAYS, GEORGE.

IT´S WINTER -- SHORTEST DAYS OF THE YEAR.

I MEAN, I CAN TEACH THEM EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT CUBA,

BUT WHO´S GOING TO TEACH THEM ABOUT THEIR MEXICAN HERITAGE

IF THEIR OWN FATHER WON´T?

HEY, HEY.

I GOT THEIR MEXICAN HERITAGE COVERED.

I´M DOWN WITH LA RAZA.

I HAVE SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL PLANNED FOR ALL OF US

FOR CHRISTMAS EVE.

WELL, I CAN´T WAIT.

LET´S GO CUT THE PIG OPEN.

GEORGE, HOW MUCH DID ALL OF THIS COST?

MY CHRISTMAS BONUS.

YOU SPENT ALL $500 ON THIS?

YEAH.

HONEY, YOU CAN´T LET MY DAD BAIT YOU LIKE THIS.

HE´S NEVER GONNA LET YOU WIN!

HE ALWAYS HAS TO BE THE BIG DOG.

NOT IN MY HOUSE. I´M THE BIG DOG HERE.

I´M GONNA SHOW VIC I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING HE THROWS AT ME.

HE WANTS CULTURE?! I´LL SHOW HIM CULTURE!

BY TOMORROW?

ANGIE, PLEASE!

I GOT THIS!

MOM, I´M IN A BIND.

I GOT TWO HOURS TO GET SOME MEXICAN TRADITIONS

TO SHUT ANGIE´S PARENTS UP.

IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN MAKE SOME CHRISTMAS TAMALES

LIKE ERNIE´S MOM USED TO?

I WOULD,

BUT I GOTTA HANG MY JALAPEñO LIGHTS ON MY CHRISTMAS CACTUS.

HOW COME WE DON´T HAVE ANY MEXICAN CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS?

HEY, COME ON. WE HAD SOME NICE CHRISTMASES.

YEAH? WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME YOU MADE ME PUT OUT

MILK AND COOKIES FOR SANTA,

AND THEN WHEN I GOT UP IN THE MORNING

THEY WEREN´T EVEN TOUCHED.

SO? HE DIDN´T COME.

YOU KNOW, SOUNDS LIKE YOUR BEEF IS WITH SANTA.

LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS CRAZY, BUT I´M DESPERATE.

MARISOL, DOES YOUR FAMILY

HAVE ANY SPECIAL MEXICAN CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS?

TRADITIONS?

YOU´RE AN OLD MEXICAN. YOU TELL ME.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD BE A LITTLE NICER AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.

I KNOW, HUH?

MY BROTHER´S GONNA BE IN A CHRISTMAS PLAY.

WHY DON´T YOU TAKE YOUR FAMILY TO THIS?

"THE CESAR CHAVEZ TEATRO DE LA COMUNIDAD,

"IN ASSOCIATION WITH TENOCHTITLAN PRODUCTIONS

"PRESENTS ´A CHICANO CHRISTMAS CAROL,´

STARRING MOCTEZUMA CUATEMOC."

DOESN´T GET ANY MORE MEXICAN THAN THIS.

THIS PLAY IS THE REAL DEAL.

FEELS RIGHT BEING HERE.

THIS IS GREAT.

YOU BETTER LET SOME AIR OUT OF THAT HEAD

BEFORE THE PLAY STARTS.

I KNOW, HUH?

SEASON´S GREETINGS, BIENVENIDOS,

WELCOME TO OUR CHRISTMAS CAROL.

IT´S CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE BARRIO.

WAIT, HERE COMES ROBERTO CRATCHETT

AND TINY TIMOTEO NOW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS. FELIZ NAVIDAD.

HEY, THAT´S MY BROTHER!

YOU GO, BETO!

PAPí, CAN YOU GET OFF WORK FOR CHRISTMAS TOMORROW?

OH, I DON´T KNOW, MíJO.

I HAVE TO ASK MY BOSS, SEñOR SCROOGE.

HERE HE COMES NOW.

FELIZ NAVIDAD, SEñOR SCROOGE.

BAH, HUMBUG!

SAY THAT AGAIN AND I´LL POP A CAP IN YOUR ASS!

KEEPING IT REAL.

I MADE A LOT OF COIN FOR YOU TODAY, JEFE.

AND BEING THAT IT´S CHRISTMAS TOMORROW,

I WAS HOPING I COULD SPEND IT WITH MI FAMILIA.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, HOMS?

I´M A BUSINESSMAN.

YOU THINK PEOPLE STOP GETTING HIGH

JUST BECAUSE IT´S CHRISTMAS?

GEORGE!

KEEPING IT, UH, YOU KNOW, REAL.

JUST GIVE ME THE MONEY YOU MADE TODAY,

AND GET BACK OUT ON THE STREET.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

GET DOWN! IT´S A DRIVE-BY!

HELP, PLEASE!

TINY TIMOTEO´S BEEN SHOT!

THEY SHOT TINY TIMOTEO IN THE FIRST TWO MINUTES.

WHERE DO THEY GO FROM HERE?

OH, NO! THEY´RE BACKING UP!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LIKE THAT THEATER.

I CAN´T WAIT TO SEE WHAT THEY DO WITH "THE NUTCRACKER."

I CAN´T BELIEVE THEY SHOT SANTA CLAUS

FOR WEARING THE WRONG COLORS.

NICE PLAY FOR YOUR CHILDREN, GEORGE.

I´M SURE IF WE STAYED

THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN A VERY UPLIFTING MESSAGE,

BUT I THINK LEAVING AFTER THE PIT-BULL MAULING

WAS A GOOD CALL.

WE´RE JUST GONNA MOVE ON

AND HAVE THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

GEORGE, WHY DON´T YOU HELP MY DAD WITH THE PIG?

SO, SOME TRADITION YOU GOT HERE, GEORGE.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ON CHRISTMAS DAY --

OPEN OUR PRESENTS IN A WHOREHOUSE?

WAIT. THAT´S IT. PUT IT DOWN.

I ONLY TOOK EVERYBODY TO THAT PLAY TO IMPRESS YOU.

YOU´VE BEEN ON MY BACK SINCE YOU GOT HERE.

OH, SO NOW THE PLAY´S MY FAULT.

YEAH. I´M HAPPY WITH OUR CHRISTMAS.

YOU KNOW WHAT OUR MEXICAN-AMERICAN TRADITION IS?

WE OPEN PRESENTS AND SPEND TIME TOGETHER AS A FAMILY,

BUT THAT´S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!

GEORGE!

NO! I CAN´T WIN WITH HIM!

NO MATTER WHAT I DO, IN HIS EYES,

I´LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

ARE YOU DONE?

I THINK THE PIG´S GETTING COLD.

NO, I´M NOT DONE.

IT´S TIME YOU STOPPED TREATING ME LIKE THE 19-YEAR-OLD

WHO SIPHONED GAS OUT OF YOUR CAR.

WHAT´S IT GONNA TAKE FOR YOU TO ADMIT

I DIDN´T RUIN YOUR DAUGHTER´S LIFE?

ANGIE, HELP YOUR FATHER WITH THE PIG.

HE´S RIGHT, DAD.

WHAT? YOU TOO?

I KNOW YOU WANTED ME TO MARRY A PROFESSIONAL --

AND A CUBAN -- BUT I GAMBLED ON GEORGE.

GAMBLED?

FOR 16 YEARS, HE´S MADE ME HAPPY.

HE´S TAKEN GOOD CARE OF ME AND THE KIDS.

GAMBLED ON ME? I GAMBLED ON YOU.

DO YOU REALIZE YOU´VE NEVER ONCE SAID A NICE THING ABOUT GEORGE?

MAYBE I CAN LIFT THIS MYSELF.

DAD.

SAY SOMETHING NICE TO HIM... OR YOU´RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE.

OR YOU CAN TELL ME ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT.

EVERY TIME YOU VISIT,

I GET THIS HUGE KNOT IN MY STOMACH,

AND I AM NOT GONNA PLAY PEACEMAKER ANYMORE.

IF YOU´RE NOT GONNA SAY SOMETHING NICE TO HIM,

GET YOUR BAGS AND GO.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SCREW UP, BUT YOU DIDN´T.

CONGRATULATIONS.

NOW HELP ME WITH THE PIG.

THANK YOU.

GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE.

YOU THINK IT´S SO EASY?

ANGIE´S MY LITTLE GIRL

AND SHE´LL ALWAYS BE MY LITTLE GIRL.

AND YOU´LL ALWAYS BE THE GUY WHO TOOK HER AWAY FROM ME.

WAIT TILL CARMEN SHOWS UP

WITH SOME LONG-HAIRED LOSER IN A BLACK SABBATH T-SHIRT.

I HOPE, FOR YOUR SAKE, HE TURNS OUT AS GOOD AS YOU DID.

THANKS, VIC.

OKAY, YOU CAN STAY.

GEORGE, SHAKE HANDS...

AND GET THAT PIG IN THERE BEFORE YOUR MOM EATS MY MOM.

WE´RE NOT DONE HERE.

WHAT NOW?

I WANT YOU TO SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT BLACK SABBATH.

[ SIGHS ]

I´D RATHER LISTEN TO BLACK SABBATH

THAN HAVE A MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION.

AND THAT WAS A FREE ONE.

CARMEN, CAN YOU GET ME SOME MILK?

NO. I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THAT FRIDGE.

I DON´T WANNA SEE THAT PIG AGAIN.

THE PIG´S LONG GONE.

SEE?

I´LL GET THE MILK. CAN YOU GET ME SOME CEREAL?

[ GASPS ]

OH, MY GOD!

DAD, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?

´CAUSE I THOUGHT IT´D BE FUNNY, LIKE IT IS.

LET´S JUST THROW IT OUT, OKAY? GET ME A TRASH BAG.

[ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD!

[ SCREAMS ]